Things I Fucking Hate

I actually wrote this quite a while ago, but it holds up. Thought I'd come back to this blog with a bang!

1. Congratulating Quitters
I'm not glad you quit smoking/drinking/being fun/whatever. I really don't give a fuck. It's super boring to me. You basically are dead to me now. Nice knowing you.

Ps. You'll be back. Nobody really quits, they just become that annoying person bumming smokes from me when they get drunk off two beers.

2. Enable Hate
I'm not a bad influence. You are a grown person. If you want to do something, and I let you do it around me, that may make me an enabler, but it doesn't make me a bad person. Maybe gain some fucking impulse control, stop blaming shit you do on other people, and get out of my face.

3. Negativity Hate
Not everything can be positive, I think that's just science. Life is a mixture of experiences. So when I hear, "I'm just trying to get rid of all the negativity in my life" what I really hear is, "I'm just going to pretend I'm two again and everything will go my way." Fucking get a clue. Negativity has its purpose, and you're being really negative about negativity right now, so you're pretty much just stuck in a quantum loop of stupid.

4. Being Nice
Surprisingly, I am quite nice in person. It's terrible because I'm this open minded rational human being who doesn't enjoy hurting other's feelings...but I fucking hate everyone and their bullshit. And I can never tell them, because I want people to be themselves. I just don't want to be around them. Which is why I have a blog to vent, I guess.

5. People In Relationships
Good, bad, whatever. Nobody ever seems to learn from any relationship, because they keep reentering the same one. And they think I should too. No thank you. I know I'm a train wreck who is attracted to other train wrecks. I'm fine not being in that situation. Also, everyone is a smug fucking cunt when they're in love. Fuck them.

6. Love
In the romantic context. Everyone seems to think life isn't worth living without some epic love you're supposed to find. I think it's bullshit. Why are you telling me I'm less happy than I'm supposed to be? That makes no sense. And it's shitty of you. Ever think that love doesn't always turn you into a Sandra Bullock movie? Sometimes it turns you into Sid and Nancy.

Things I'm Tired of Pretending To Like

1. The Goonies

For a long time, I thought I must've seen a different Goonies from everyone else. I mean, it was an okay movie, but I was never crazy for it. Everyone else acts like it was life defining. I always sort of nodded along and smiled like I knew what they were talking about. Now I'm just like, "Fuck the Goonies." Fuck your fucking childhood. I'm done. Deal with it.

2. Oregon Trail

I have never played this game. Apparently my childhood sucked. All I know about this game is that Dysentery was involved, which sounds incredibly entertaining. But the game probably wasn't. Stop telling me about it, I'm never going to play it, so what's the fucking point?

3. Dougie/Twerk/Whatevernewdance

I don't know what you're doing and I don't care.

4. Sports

Not that I've ever really pretended to like them, but it's a hard thing for people to accept. I don't like sports. Don't talk to me about sports, I'm not listening. I don't want to go to your Super Bowl party because I don't like football. Downton Abbey party? Fuck yeah! Anything to do with sports? Nooooope.

5. Scentsy/Aloette/Pampered Chef/Pure Romance

I don't want to go to your Bored Housewife/Mother Party. Your pricey purses and jewelry break and tarnish. I'd rather go to an Arts Fair and give my money to artists/bored housewives/mothers who make things than support your cheap stupid crap no one needs business.

February Sucks

I've had a fucked up month. Actually it started right after I made that post about dominating January. Which effectively cured me of any small amount of optimism I might have acquired. So, yeah, around a week after that post I got a horrendous stomach flu. Then (it feels like) everyone quit (at work). So we have technically only 3 new people, but actually we have 4 because the other one rarely works and doesn't seem to recall what it is he's supposed to do when he's there. That is called "benefit of the doubt" because he probably just doesn't give a fuck. I mean, hey, I wouldn't either if I were you, Guy, but I hate you anyway.

And everyone else was new and terrible at things for a while. And then the books were terrible. And there's the part where I'm Jodi's bitch and am supposed to tell everyone when they're terrible. Which I actually don't mind that much because...I'm a bitch. But it does get repetitive and tiring. The main 2-11 person we hired is now pregnant (maybe with twins) and getting sick and going home more often than she works. And I'm just constantly coming in to a fresher hell than the last.

On a more personal note, Mediacom is charging me $70 a month for internet now and I really need to switch providers, but I've never done that before and the unknown is daunting to me. Also, I need a new cellphone because mine is glitching like a motherfucker but what phone to buy??? And then there's the car issue, which is still basically strutless and stupid and now refuses to start, but I'm having an even harder time finding a replacement car because I live in Iowa and all the damn used cars have crazy fucking miles on them. And I know nothing about cars. The other thing is I still don't have healthcare because I'm in sticker shock over what it costs and I don't know what any of the terms mean. So basically I'm just tired of shopping for boring shit that isn't shoes, and trying to make smart decisions. I'm not a decision maker. Apparently I'm also just not very good at being an adult.

I just want to read books, watch Netflix and paint some pictures. Why does life want to keep me away from these things?

So today, I've just been fucking off reading Cracked, and obsessing over female boxing. Because when I get stressed out, I shut down and give no fucks. Let Future Hannah deal with this shit. Sure sucks to be her.

Another Comment

I'm beginning to think the problem is not with other people (I almost typed "poople" which might be more accurate) (hahaha...poop) but may be with me. Maybe I'm just stuck in some bygone era where I don't feel like complete strangers need to have my opinions and judgments inflicted upon them. Because nobody else seems to feel this way.

I mean, this is my blog, come here or don't, I don't care. It's entirely your choice. I didn't spam you with my blog. You clicked on this shit to read it. Similarly, Pinterest is a place where I post things. Re-pin or no, I give no shits.  Many of these things are just pictures/memes I find funny. I categorize them under "Funny Shit". Inherently, this should connote humor...specifically mine. Please don't inflict your lack of shared humor with me. Because why the hell would you? Why the hell would anyone? Just move on.

I pinned this:

I found this humorous for three reasons:
1. Arnold Schwarzenegger - I love that shit.
2. Bones do not jiggle.
3. This woman is obviously fat and not just big boned. Cruel or no, this is obviously true.

The description under the pin was "Your excuse is not valid." I did not write that there, I just neglected to erase it when I re-pinned. This is a common occurrence among Pinners. I don't assume anyone writes their own descriptions. But they sure as hell do write their comments. That shit takes, like, time.

So Becky comments: Must be nice to be perfect.

Yes, Becky, it is nice to be perfect. Because obviously I'd have to be perfect to find humor in this situation. Or did you mean perfect as in "has a sense of humor"  or "is not super offended by obvious truths" ? People have called me many things, but perfect is not one of them. I readily admit that. I have jiggly bits of my own. But you know what I don't do? I don't call myself big boned. I have tiny bones covered in muscle and fat. And some other stuff. This is basic anatomy shit right here. Bones do not jiggle...so what exactly is jiggling if not fat? Is that FUPA actually a MUPA? If so, I apologize, but she should change her argument to "I'm not fat, I'm big muscled."

In summary, I don't know why I'm explaining humor to the internet. I suppose I just like ranting into the void. Also, Becky is totally fat.

Comments on Comments

(Comments comments COMments comMENTS. Does comments even look like a word to you anymore?)

This is sort of a dirty little secret of mine, but a thing I like to do when I'm feeling bored or masochistic is to look at the comment section of random sites (twitter, facebook, cracked, youtube, etc..). For example, today after reading this excellent article by my future 3rd husband, Felix Clay, I decided to peruse what others thought of his hilarity. Because I am exceptionally bored today. On purpose.

A thing I've noticed about comments is a thing I end up noticing about people: they basically come in 6 different varieties. There is always (1) that person who genuinely wants to help/is perplexed by your humor. There is always someone (2) who is staunchly against whatever you say/deliberately takes everything you say out of context/does not understand context. Someone who (3) wants to suck your metaphorical (or actual) dick. Someone who (5) gives out way too much unnecessary information because they are lonely extroverts who just want to connect/people who think they are so awesome, everyone wants to know this trivial shit about them. And (6) the asshole 12 year old, aka. Troll. Sometimes, just maybe, you get the hilarious/useful comment that alludes to a person you might actually want to communicate with in the real world. You won't, but that fleeting desire is there. So I guess maybe 7 varieties. Shut up.

Anyway, I was sort of irritated by cherokeebride's comment of "Just because someone can't read your mind, doesn't mean they're thoughtless."

I guess you might need context as to why I find it annoying, but just go on this...the article was titled The 7 Worst Gifts People Seem To Give Every Christmas. This is posted on Cracked.com, a comedy site most notoriously known for lists and dick-jokes. This article is obviously going to include some over the top/mildly offensive humor. And the whole list is generically hateable enough to include everyone in the fun. So, if I were a person that commented on comment forums instead of a person who is so pathologically obsessed with her own opinions that she has a whole blog to post her comments to instead, I would respond to her that...oh shit, I just lost my train of thought.

Oh yeah, I would respond to her that there is this thing called humor that she has proven not everyone has in great supply. As in, some might have a small supply of it, and/or it might be defective in some way, possibly molding. Except that I would never rationally respond to this type of comment because it would be the most self-defeating thing I've done since that time the other day when I tried to argue Batman vs. Superman with a grown man who has a Superman tattoo. Which of course Cracked has already covered for me. I would instead troll the shit out of her. Because while I abjectly hate trolling, it is sometimes the only appropriate response.

-swift and Mediorite, however, are awesome.

So I guess to wrap up this long ramble about comments, I would like to say thanks to all of my imaginary readers for not commenting. I would probably just think you are insufferable anyway. 

Non-Gamer Gaming Problems

I don't really like very many video games (okay, mostly I'm just not good at them) so it's very upsetting to me when something interesting comes into existence...but it's not playable on my console (Xbox 360).

For example, Beyond: Two Souls for the PS3

This sounds interesting and playable and voiced by Ellen Page and Willem Dafoe. Why is it only available for PS3??? This is some bullshit right here.

 This article told me there is a thing called Fable Legends coming out that sounded pretty damn awesome...until I found out it was going to be an Xbox One game.

And, fuck my life because Lionhead is not even developing a Fable IV yet (or maybe ever). And everyone knows Fable and Lego games are the only things I can play, because I have the gaming skills of a 5 year old.

Fuck Youuuu!!!

The only bright spot on my gaming horizon is LEGO Marvel Super Heroes!

Although it is still super fucking weird to me that they talk.  

Sick Of It All

Sometimes my horoscope is oddly accurate. Today is one of those days. It is 7a.m. and I've already been pissier than I should with my boss, and said far too much of what I actually think. Also there's some other shit on my mind that I don't feel like getting into. But here are some lists.

Things I hate about myself:
1. How I nearly cry every time I'm frustrated.
2. How I make up these intricate check/balance systems that no one else follows, because why should they? I'm a crazy person.
3. How easily I become overwhelmed
4. How personally I can take things

Things I hate about other people:
1. How they assume I'm in a bad mood just because I'm actually saying what's on my mind
2. How I'm not given the same consideration I give them
3. How their problems are somehow more valid than mine
4. How quickly they forget

I guess I'm done, I just needed a rant. I'm just sick of work and pretty much everything else in my life. I'm not sure if this is just a bad day or if this is just me. Whatever. I'm going to catch up on some Dexter and then have a nap.

Fun-Sucker

Okay, so July is going to be mildly busy for me. I'm going to Chicago on the 13th to meet up with my Mommy and estranged younger brother. Then the 21st I am hopefully going to Warped Tour in Minnesota. Have to buy my ticket soon, just hoping nothing comes up, like work or Floyd blowing up or some shit. Then Sammi will be back the last weekend of July! Her mommy is having a retirement party. I'm just writing this all here so I won't forget.

Side note: I am a bit of a freak because I fucking hate traveling. I hate driving, I hate new places, I hate hotels, and just generally not being able to shit in my own goddamn house. But I freaking love planning and packing and travel sized things. What the fuck kind of sense does that make? So, yeah, obviously I've been making lists like a motherfucker. Because I'm prone to anxiety and this is my idea of a good time. Why people never believe me when I tell them I'm a fun-sucker, I do not know.

I'm also the girl who always has a band-aid and McGyver-esque skills with a safety pin. Just so you know.

Then there's work...where a lady we basically just hired, quit today. This past Saturday, she called in "sick". Later that day, Erin (the girl cop) came in asking where she lived b/c she was sighted with some guys in a car throwing rocks at the Hardies??? So then Erin goes to her house, where she finds our 50 year old new hire drunk off her ass, playing hooky. Jodi had to cover her shift (overnight) so, obviously she was a little angry. However, summer is a horrible time to be short of employees, because everyone wants to take vacation (I want to take a vacation) so she was just going to write her up and scold her. But Jodi had a bad feeling about her still, so she calls her today to make sure she's coming in for her shift tonight. Her reply is basically just "NO". What a rude fucking cunt.

So I guess at least I'll have plenty of hours this month. I'm just hoping I still get my weekends off that I asked for. So I can go on vacation and have a couple anxiety attacks. I mean fun, have some fun.

Negativity

This is going to be a weird, rambly post because it's hard for me to explain, but here I go. Lately, everyone has been posting on Facebook and just bitching in general about how they are going to "cut the negativity out of their lives." Which, to be perfectly honest, just confuses me a little. What exactly is the negativity that you are cutting out of your life? Because all I hear is "Waaaaaaaaa!"

Pictured: positive thinking.

I really do mean this in the nicest way possible, but all I can think every time I hear someone say that phrase is grow the fuck up. Which is just a little ridiculous because I am normally in no way shape or form what you would refer to as a grown up. Some of these people are my best friends. Nice, fabulous people, and I just happen to want to throw up on them every time I hear about "positive thinking" or whatever. It's like a fucking religion that they feel like impressing upon everyone around them. Thank you for wanting the best for me, I want that for you too, but I would like to not subscribe to your flawed, bullshit philosophy.

I mean, personally I like to look at both sides of a situation, weigh possible outcomes and then let myself feel bad if I've made a poor choice. Because I feel there is value to actually feeling something, as opposed to brainwashing myself into being okay with everything.

Pictured: positive thinking.

And then there's these sayings:
"Negative ppl are like rotten apples...they are good for nothing at all...and if you stay around them too long they will rub off on you!" #staypositive (sounds kinky)

"Negative people need drama like oxygen. Stay positive, it will take their breath away." (because suffocation is what positivism is all about)

"Good things will come to you if you focus on the positives and let go of the negatives." (this is scientifically proven!!! lol j/k)

"Negative thoughts only have one purpose: To destroy you!" (ugh)

"Overthinking leads to negative thoughts." (just don't think at all, you'll be the happiest!)

Fucking blow me.

I guess my biggest problem with it, however, is how people treat it like magic. "Just believe you can and you will!" has got to be one of the biggest fucking piles of shit I've ever heard. Because you know what? No. Just no. There are more factors. I'm not necessarily a negative person, but I have my moments. I like my negative moments. I learn from them. In general, however, I'm a realist. In my world, just believing you can is not sufficient to, say, winning a race. Or flying. Or any fucking number of other things. If you are no fucking good at it, and you don't practice, you can have all the positivity in the world, but you are still probably gonna fail. Good things do not just happen because you want them to happen.

I mean, okay. I have met some people who really love singing. And they have been taking lessons their whole lives. And they are incredibly driven and ambitious and positive. Guess what? They still fucking suck at singing. Caterwauling is about as close as they get. I'm not saying they should stop singing, if that's what they love doing. I'm saying, believing you can be good at something, doesn't make it so. And pushing away all the people who give you negative feedback...doesn't necessarily make any difference in the result. Except that you get this distorted perception of life, and then go on American Idol and make a total ass of yourself in front of the whole wide world.

Which I guess is what the whole positive movement is about...Perception. If you think you shit rainbows, maybe, in your own mind at least, you do. And if it makes you feel better, and better is what you want to feel, go ahead. I just don't feel like it's addressing the main issues at hand. And I think it's ignoring all the good things that can come from negativity. Negativity sort of forces you to look at and question yourself and others. You are literally seeing things in a different perspective. That is a good thing. It is healthy. I don't feel you can achieve any personal growth without both the good and the bad in life. This includes the "bad" or "negative" people. Because there's something you can learn from them too.

Of course, maybe I'm taking this all too literally and they just mean they're not going to eat at McDonald's anymore or something. In which case...yeah. Go you. Your arteries will probably thank you.

Hating on Facebook - 2

You know what really grinds my gears? People trying to hook-up over Facebook.

I've learned that the only time a male messages you on Facebook is when he's looking for a hook-up. When did this become a thing exactly? When people stopped using MySpace? It just strikes me as a bit odd. Also, horribly offensive. Who do you think I am? Why are you so desperate? Leave me alone. Below are a few annoying examples.

1. The first time this ever happened to me, a person I know from high-school chatted me at 5a.m., which is basically noon for me. This person and I don't ever talk, I only even see him at the bar or at work.

Guy: what up hannah
Me: oh just bumming around. you?
Guy: boooooooored. what are you doing up?
Me: I just don't sleep. What are you doing up?
Guy: bored. can't sleep.
Me: well, ya know what cures boredom? sleeping!
Guy: so does a lot of other fun things but theres not a female here
Me: lol. so have fun with yourself?
Guy: just not as fun id rather have the real thing
Me: well, you can't always get what you want.
Guy: I want fun tho:( you wanna have fun hannah?
Me: Are you propositioning me? This is like the 8th time this week that's happened. Do I have a fucking sign on my head???
Guy: I take that as a no?
Me: pretty much :)
Guy:    :(

That was sort of a rough week for me. Everyone was mistaking me for a prostitute.

2. This happens sometimes...

Random Male Acquaintance: so I'm single now, wanna chill sometime?
Random Male Acquaintance: (a week later) my offer still stands...
Me: No thank you.
Random Male Acquaintance: k thanks for being honest.

Sometimes, guys with girlfriends hit on me. I tell them "ew! you have a girlfriend." That's not actually why I don't want to sleep with them. I don't want to sleep with them because they are slimeballs. But all they hear is the girlfriend thing. So they think now that they're single I will go for them? Dude, you don't even have my number. When I don't like you enough to even give you my phone number, just assume I do not want to sleep with you.

3. The most annoying to me is when people I don't know, and won't add because I don't know them, message me anyway and ask to talk.

Random Male: Hey what's up? I'm a good friend of (person I know-ish). We just met at your workplace.
Me: Um. Hi.
Random Male: Can we talk and get to know each other?
Me: I'm a lesbian.
Random Male: So we can't even talk and be friends?
Random Male: You there?

What a needy creeper. No, we can't talk. I barely text my actual friends, talking on FB is super inconvenient since I don't have the FB messenger app, I'm at work, and I don't want to know you. I just met you ten minutes ago and you have already virtually stalked me. Also, you are ugly. Let's just call it "never meant to be" and leave it.

4. And then there's this guy who used to be a regular at the gas station, so I kinda knew him. I thought he was dating someone I knew. He asked if he could add me on Facebook, so I was like, whatever. Then a day later he sends this.

Random Douche: Hi Hannah :) If you wanna txt me my number is 1515-XXX-XXXX. I haven't been on here very much lately.

Yeah. That's gonna happen...NOT. Why would you tell me to add you on Facebook to then tell me you don't go on Facebook, and give me your number instead? Why on earth would I want to text you? Nice try, guy.

5. This most recent offender was another kid I went to school with and haven't talked to in forever.

Random Male Acquaintance: What's up beautiful
Me: looking up random old school computer games with some friends. you?
Random Male Acquaintance: just laying in bed now bored.

Aaaaaand you mentioned bed, used the word "laying" improperly, and called me "beautiful" (which may just be a personal turn off for me, but whatever). Not talking to you anymore. See, I'm getting better at early detection! Hilariously enough, he messaged my friend a few days later and said she sounded like a kinky girl and that he'd rock her world. Ugh. Just, ugh.

Summer Dreams

Spring has finally arrived! I'm not a huge fan of spring in general, but I will acknowledge it's much superior position over winter. I know, nothing's more annoying than someone bitching about winter. Especially when you live in a snowy region. It happens every year, get over it! Right? But I seriously hate winter. I also seriously hate extreme heat, so, no I will not move to a southern state. I will deal with the Iowa winter, and just bitch about it like everyone else.

I don't know if we had an especially long winter this year, but it felt like it. Which means I am just so fucking thrilled it's not snowing and ball shrinkingly cold, that I will accept whatever other weather the year throws at me. Just not more snow. Minimal wind until the peak of summer would also be nice. Weather Gods.

Anyway, I'm in a bit of a summer mindset right now. I cannot stop thinking about swimming, sunbathing, concerts, walking, and biking. And my bank account is soon to hate me for all the summer things I want to buy: Short pants, bright shirts, light nail polishes, suntan lotion. Also a bike. I have been obsessing over this idea. It burns in me. I want to ride my bicycle, I want to ride my bike...but I need one first. And I'm looking at them all and I just can't decide between a cruiser and a mountain bike. I mean, the mountain bike would be more practical...but the cruiser is so cute...and it has a basket. A basket!

So, as with all tough decisions, I'll probably just eenie-meenie-minie-moe that shit.

Currently it is raining and grey outside, but that's okay. I like the rain. I just have to remember not to wear my Chucks and I'm good. Just know that I'm dreaming of the summer...

Expectations

Last night was...interesting. Okay, not really, but it did deviate slightly from the norm. By that I mean my car is stuck on some snow/ice. I spent 20 or so minutes trying to shovel my way out, only to find that the snow I needed to get rid of was underneath my car. I was not moving. Luckily a co-worker hadn't gone to sleep yet, so she took me to work.

Cooler truck comes on Thursdays, so I spent the majority of my shift organizing that pile of crap. Because it was a disaster. To be perfectly honest, I actively discourage everyone else from organizing in there because they all suck at it. I like everything to be where I like it. Also it just makes everything 1000 times more consistently in the same place. New people come in and think they can just throw shit wherever, but then it's harder to find and therefore stupid. Sorry, just my organizational OCD (anal retentive self-superiority) kicking in. I know nobody really cares about this, but I have a system and it is awesome. Don't fuck with my system.

Anyway, so I spend the night dealing with that shit-fest, and then get the breakfast items ready, deal with customers, do some of the books. My boss comes in miffy that I didn't get all of the books done. I did half of them, but apparently that is not good enough. All I can feel is indignation. Last time I checked, I am not a manager of any sort. I don't need to do the books, I do them so I can get out of work on time. Otherwise she makes me stay for however goddamned long it takes her to do them. So, it's not like I expect her to thank me when I do them, I would just like to not get bitched at for not doing something I don't have to do in the first place. Would that be too much to ask? Apparently.

So I guess the moral of this story is, don't do things. Not even if you're paid for them. Because then you are the target of expectations. Also, don't get your car stuck on a snowbank that turns to ice, it's a pain in the ass.

The Exhausting Borg

I am not a technologically advanced person. That's not to say I'm totally perplexed by it all, I'm just not that great at it. For example, all the social platforms (facebook, twitter, g+, tumblr) sort of exhaust me. I don't know if anyone else my age feels this way, but in this computer heavy era I feel obligated to bone up on the social mediums. I feel like this might come in handy later in life when I have something to use them all for, but right now it's just a bit pointless and tiring. I feel it's my duty in some way to read all my feeds, to update, to be informed...and it's making me hate everything.

Everything.

The burden of the information era is knowing so little of consequence. It all has to be known. Why? Why do I need to know? I don't particularly care, so what's the point of it all? Currently it's just acting as a filler. I mean, I don't really do anything like go to school or talk to people, so I suppose it inhabits that space. That space that isn't all about me. The "me" space is my blogs...of which I have far too many(much?). But I can't really help that, I've always been far too introspective and I don't necessarily mind that.

I'm just having a spot of trouble juggling all of this technology. I feel like the internet is the Borg, processing and organizing, analyzing but never really feeling. I am a part of this vast network of collected peoples and resistance is futile. Negotiation is irrelevant, I will be assimilated. I already am.

Le Tired, Like, Emotionally

I am so tired. Like, emotionally more than physically...but my emotions don't really respond to caffeine quite the same way my body does. So there's that. I've just finished working a bunch of days in a row. I hate working more than 3 days in a row. I know that sounds pathetic to all you people with normal jobs, but I've been a part-timer for basically my whole working life. So working everyday is just not what I do. Add to the frustration the fact that half those shifts were not my own, but rather due to cowhorekers being sickly, flaky, or pussies, and I'm just ready to burn the place down.

Luckily, I now have 3 days off. I was thinking about doing productive things, but I'll probably just lie about watching Netflix so I don't have to deal with the world. Maybe draw something, if an idea of what to draw ever enters my head. I haven't really told many people this (mostly b/c I attempt this every other year and it never goes anywhere) but I'm trying (once again) to get a comic going. I mean, the end goal is to make it into a web-comic and be generally awesome like that. The reality is...4 pages of drawings and I'm hitting a wall. This is usually when I switch my focus to another artistic endeavor that goes nowhere, and etc...until eventually I forget where the comic even is.

But this time, I feel like it could go somewhere. Possibly, maybe. And I want to see where that somewhere is. Over the rainbow? Probably not, but the thought gives me this tiny flutter in my chest that I dimly recall  hope and excitement feeling like. Or indigestion? Whatever. I'm going to keep chugging on with this one. It's just that being creative is so hard! I mean it's awesome and deeply rewarding to create, but it's also a truly harrowing process of waiting for inspiration and hoping that when it does come, you have the time to follow where it leads.

At least that's my process. Which, as we've discussed, doesn't really work very well. So...I'll just shut-up now.

The Devil and the Details

Jehovah's Witness Lady: Here's a Watchtower. Have you ever wondered where the Devil came from?
Me: Nope. Byeeee.

I'm keeping things short with her from now on because:
a.) I'm at work and should probably not be openly hostile to the customers
b.) It would take too long to have this conversation, I mean, I gots shits to do and
c.) Conversing would make no noticeable difference, in the end.

As I have previously mentioned, I'm not fond of this lady. Also, I don't like religion. I especially don't like it when other people try to push their religion on me. Hate is a strong word...but is it the wrong word? I mean, seriously, I feel bad that trees were murdered only to have their remains used for such an idiotic publication as The Watchtower. Which, incidentally, talks to it's followers like even it knows they are morons.

Had I given her a response, it would be more philosophical than religious. Because, no, I've never had time to wonder where the Devil came from, I was raised in a church. I was taught, like most Christians probably are, that the Devil (or Satan) was an angel named Lucifer who thought God was stupid for loving humans more than angels. So he rebelled, was cast from Heaven, and became the ruler of Hell, and basically the root of all evil. Origin story, BAM!

Currently, I have no religious inclination nor any use for religion. The Devil, to me, is merely an interesting and somewhat bewildering notion. Like, I can see how people, faced with an endless supply of things that want to eat them might come to feel that "sun is good, dark-time is bad". I can see how maybe they'd come to blame bad weather and a lack of food on an "evil" entity working against them. I can see how the evolution of religion could make sense in that way. And that's kind of interesting. But I fail to see how any Christian with any individual thought can still imagine the Devil as a literal being instead of an abstract concept. Or whatever.

or whatever.

If anything, God is the Devil. In a, ya know, dualistic sense. God totally suffers from a dissociative identity disorder. Except that he has to know that he's also the devil because he contradicts his own benevolent will something like 80million times. So he's probably more like a toddler blaming the spilled cheerios on the dog. I mean, he's omnipotent. If he was going to get all huffy about Lucifer trolling and etc, why wouldn't he just say "Well, fuck that shit" and just not make Lucifer? Or evil? Or humans? Or anything? Unless floods are just the way he bitches.

Don't bother with the Bible, just watch Tara. There's 3 seasons and  less murder.

Anyway, to summarize, the Devil to me is just some bullshit people made up to blame shit on. Instead of facing the fact that maybe shit just happens and it's not necessarily about anyone or anything. I think because the thought of there being nothing giving two shits about them is a scarier concept than the Devil. How fucked up.

Social Niceties

I have been in a particularly foul mood for about a week or so. Possibly it's my body revolting against all the healthy-ish food and vitamins I've been consuming. More probably it's the festering disappointments I used to call my friends. I'm not sure when it's going to go away, but until that time, I'm going to rant about a thing I have found especially annoying of late...social niceties. Social niceties have always seemed like a practical thing to me, but lately I'm wanting to gouge my eyes out about a few of them.

1. "How's it going?"
I hate it when people say this after I say "Hello". Is that just the way you say "hi" or are you looking for an actual answer? If the latter, how much information do you want? Am I supposed to give you an actual account of my well being or do you just want a "fine, how are you?". Because chances are, that is going to be my reply. This is why I sometimes mix it up with "swell" "dandy" "peachy-keen" and if I'm having a particularly trouble free day "fabulous". I say these things because I hate your face and it's stupid questions.

2. "What's up?"
Okay, I'm fine with you asking me this. Just don't be disappointed or perplexed when I reply "Not much". I fucking hate it when people ask "Why not?" especially when I'm at work. What the hell would be up? Am I supposed to invent a fictitious event to make my life sound more exciting? Let's just say my life has it's moments, but they are not many, and I probably don't want to share them with you anyway. So pretty much nothing is always going to be up. Except the sky. Also, fuck you.

3. Smiling.
If I smile at a person I don't know, it's because I'm being nice (and I'm probably at work). It's probably not genuine. I am definitely not flirting. I do not want this person's number, a date, or a new stalker on Facebook. Is the world such a hostile place that a person smiling at you makes you think they want to become BFF's? A smile does not mean I am open to your bullshit. Do not make me regret smiling. Because for the most part I don't smile. And then people ask "what's wrong?" like not smiling means I'm upset. You wanna know what's wrong? Your face. Leave mine alone.

4. Sports
Apparently a lot of people like sports and the Olympics. I don't. I don't want to hear about whatever is going on in that world. You probably don't want to hear me talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer or Doctor Who. Let's just agree to wait out the 10 seconds we have to be around each other in silence. Because I really just do not give a shit, and I don't even pretend to anymore.

5. TGIF
Way to be the douchebag bragging about how you get weekends off to the person who primarily works weekends. No. Just No. I'm really not glad it's Friday. Because once again, I have to work, and probably deal with your drunk ass at 2:30a.m. when you want to bitch at me for not selling you beer. Go eat a bag of dicks.

6. Formal Events
I don't have to attend these too often, but every time I do, something horribly awkward happens. Because I hate 1-4 so much, there's not too much to say to complete strangers/people I don't see often. They also end up being super boring and it's never quite clear to me what I'm supposed to be doing/feeling. But there are certain events you are just socially obligated to attend. Like birthdays, weddings, funerals, christmas parties, barbecues, etc...and they all pretty much suck. Unless I can drink copious amounts of alcohol. But then that's just a whole different me.

To summarize, I'm an angry, shy, socially awkward person. Try to only talk to me when I'm drunk. I like everyone when I'm drunk. Well, almost everyone. Why is there no alcohol in my house? I need some alcohol.

#Monkeysphere Moments (sorry this is a long one)

While reading This Book Is Full of Spiders today, I ran into a passage that turned out to actually be true, despite the horrifying implications. A character (Dr. Marconi) was talking about Dunbar's Number, a study on the neocortex of primates that

 "suggests that there is a species-specific index of the social group size, computable from the species' mean neocortical volume." -Wikipedia

-which really just means that the larger the neocortex, the larger the amount of people you can reliably care about and remember. The average amount for humans is around 150 people. Anything larger than this and our brains start to hurt. "That is our maximum capacity for sympathy...Those who lie outside the circle are not human." This is what makes us heartbroken when our pets die, but give very little of a shit when 1,833 people die in a hurricane. I mean, we say we do, we buy the damn bracelets to show our support. But admit it, you still care way more about your dead dog.

David Wong actually explains all of this much much better and funnier than I could ever hope to in his article What Is The Monkeysphere. Read it. Go ahead, I'll wait. You didn't read it, did you? Fucker.

Anyway, all of that was to explain how reading about Dunbar's Number reminded me of this conversation I had at work. This lady, every week brings in a copy of The Watchtower, a Jehovah's Witness tract/magazine thing. As far as I can tell, it's about how we're all living in the "end times" or some bullshit (how long do these end times last? It was first published in 1879!). I mostly just throw them in the trash when I find them laying about, but this was the first time I had actually encountered the lady.

So she hands me the thing with a smile and I have an "Aha! This is the person who plagues my counter with worthless bullshit" moment. I give her a smile that may or may not have looked sincere and said "Okay". She then proceeded to tell me that this month's issue was about the eradication of sin. To which I probably replied, "Oh." Cue a totally insincere smile and eyebrow raise. She somehow translated my expression to mean "Please tell me more of your insanity!" because she continued with something about how God will soon once again rid our planet of the wicked and the unworthy.

 "He's already begun" she expanded, "the increase of cataclysmic events like the hurricanes and earthquakes are just a part of his cleansing power. He's done it before, in the Bible, and he's doing it again now." (I am making up some of this b/c I don't remember the word-for-word, but trust me, she did say "cleansing" which just still makes me want to vomit.) At this point I stop smiling, and I stop nodding, and I'm pretty sure the look on my face was quickly becoming a mixture of disbelief, anger and disgust. "Okay," I say, hostility possibly seeping through my pores "so, like the Flood? Jericho? Every man, woman, and child must go?"  "Well, maybe not exactly, but essentially, yes. When there is nothing good left in the place, the wickedness will be eradicated and the world made new for the faithful. Like when God smote Sodom and Gomorrah because there were not even 10 righteous men left." "And this place had no children? No babies that maybe could have been spared the holy sulfur smiting?" "Um..." "...So, essentially, you are okay with mass murder? Because God approves of it. FTW I'm on a boat, muthafucka!" I did not say, because at this point I just wanted her out of the store. So I totally sidestepped everything and said something like, "Didn't Lot get drugged and raped by his daughters or something?" "...Uh, maybe..." "Oh, hahahaha. That was a pretty disturbing end to the story, huh? Kinda ruined the holy genocide for me." She starts backing away, and is luckily saved from my crazy eyes by another customer entering the store.

crazy eyes

So, ya know, maybe I don't care as much about Darfur as I should. Because my brain literally won't allow me to. But at least I'm not a crazy ass bitch rooting for 90% of the earth's population to be "righteously" smote(smitten? smited?). Although I'm probably giving into my neocortex right now just by calling her a crazy ass bitch. Whatever.

Chivalry?

To me, Chivalry is not about opening doors or pulling out chairs. Honestly, I can open my own goddamn door. I am incredibly confused by the chair thing. It's awkward and saves nobody anything. To me, chivalry is about being brave, decent and kind. In the modern times, this would translate into not STARING at my boobs, NOT fucking me when I'm too drunk to know your name, and maybe just taking my drunk ass home.

Modern woman is unimpressed with your Chivalry. You claim we killed it, but I claim you underachieved it. Look up Chivalry on Wikipedia. Chivalry had to do with Courage, Honor, and Service and to protect the weak and defenseless. Women's Liberation didn't undermine shit. Should I be honored that you decided to open a door for me? Seeing as I'm perfectly capable of opening my own doors (I even open doors for men sometimes *gasp*) I would say no. Respect for a woman in today's terms means a bit more than doors. If you are unable to keep up with the times, that is one thing, but blaming the death of chivalry on us is just another.

If you feel slighted or betrayed or whatever, you obviously have no concept of what the term "chivalry" actually refers to. Yes, it refers to a list of codes that honor your fellow man as well as womankind, but it also has something to do with heroic actions and the continuation of beauty. Honestly if you are going to try employing heroic deeds of valor to win over your woman's heart...try a little harder. Or stop fucking whining in any case, because whining has got to be the least chivalric/attractive thing to happen, like, ever.

Hating On Facebook

Taking a cue from my Ohio friend Steven Menke, I've decided to re-visit my youthful ranting days. As though I don't do this all day everyday to anyone that will stand still long enough to listen. I've decided to target Facebook because, well, it's relevant and I was on Facebook all night while at work and that's what triggered my ire. There are some actual examples that I will bitch about instead of the abstract concepts I normally throw at people.

1. SHARE THIS!: "SHARE if you remember pledging allegiance to the flag in class and still think it's important today."

Okay, pushing aside my actual stance on the Pledge of Allegiance (I'll need to make a whole other post for that issue), I'm just going to direct my ire towards the SHARE part. Even assuming I did care about the Pledge for nostalgia's sake, why do I have to share this? Is the government keeping secret tabs on all the Facebook users who give a shit? Are you winning a bet? Do I get a prize?

The answer is no. Nothing at all happens if someone shares this thing except that the cycle of annoying shit is perpetuated.

2. LIKE THIS!: "LIKE if you wish cancer didn't exist."

Don't think I'm a heartless bitch here(if you don't already). I'm not saying I'm PRO cancer. I'm saying...well, it's a disease whose causes are many and often unpredictable. It kills many many people. It's a disease. Disease has been around on this planet probably as long as this planet has existed. It's kind of like the way things are...ya know? So, does it suck? Hellz yes. But if cancer didn't exist, there would just be something else to take it's place. Thus is the nature of, well, nature. And thus, life. So what you are basically saying is "Don't you wish all the bad things in life didn't exist?" In which case I would ask you, "Are you 5 years old?"

The part that really bothers me, however, is what's implied if you don't LIKE their post. Apparently I am a lover of cancer. I wish it on everyone. Just wanna cancer up this bitch. Which, actually, I can't totally deny.

*lights a cigarette*