Infinity Waits

Pink Unicorn - A Short Story

2019-12-22T16:42:00.000-08:00

Another childhood memory, hold your pants!

My memory is not what it was, so I'm just going to guess this was the second time my mother and step father moved us away from Ohio to Michigan without telling my father where we went. I'm telling you this for context, I guess. I think I was about nine years old.

So wherever we moved to in Michigan, we lived in this trailer park. This was actually a pretty cool place because there were only like 6 trailers on this huge bit of land. This married couple, Chuck and Bobbi, who owned it all lived up the hill from us in a house with a horse barn behind it.

I would mostly entertain myself my climbing trees and hiding from wild turkeys that would land nearby. There were no children around besides my 2 year old brother and the unborn brother in my very pregnant mother, so I was mostly alone. I think this was my Mother's first attempt at home schooling me. All I really remember is I had no friends.

Somehow, I ended up taking riding lessons from the landlord, Bobbi. She was a rugged looking lady, with tan, leathery skin. A petite lady with short blonde hair and these bulging, bird like eyes. I would help her feed and clean the 13 horses and 2 goats in exchange for my lessons, so I ended up spending a lot of time with her.

Bobbi was stern, but also very kind to me in her way. She would take me with her on errands and to get our nails done. Once she even took me to a horse show. I would study horse books and sing to Jewell in her living room. I remember thinking she must be very lonely to be spending so much time with a little girl like myself.

Something changed in December, so Christmas always brings me back to this lovely little memory. She had been yelling at her husband far more than normal. She always seemed to be angry at everyone, but him especially. But their house was beautifully decorated and cozy, a giant tree waiting for ornaments and gifts.

My family being weirdly religious and very poor was never huge on Christmas, so this tree was awesome to me. As were all her treasured ornaments, each with a special sentimental history. She took me to the mall with her one day to pick out an ornament of my own to put on the tree.

I chose this pink unicorn made out of glass. It was everything my little girl eyes could imagine to be perfection. So we put it on her tree where it honestly looked kind of stupid, this one pink ornament, but it brought us both some weird joy.

Then one day soon after that, my mom forbade me from going to Bobbi's anymore. And shortly after that, we moved. Before we left, I was allowed to say goodbye to Bobbi. She was distant, almost cold to me. Her eyes were hard in a way I couldn't comprehend.

I asked if I could keep the pink unicorn to remember her by.

She said "No, I bought the unicorn to be on my tree, and that's where it will stay."

Years later, I found out that Bobbi wanted to buy me from my parents. I still don't really know how to feel about this. Child me wouldn't even have minded forsaking my family to live with the horse lady. But yeah, a grown woman making this offer is a bit weird in retrospect.

I wonder if she still puts that pink unicorn on her tree, or if she threw it away a long time ago.

Cathartic

2019-10-30T18:45:00.000-07:00

I recently engaged in a conversation with the local Fed Ex guy that made me feel somehow finally understood. Has there ever been a more absurd sentence? But years of slowly opening up to close friends has never had quite the impact this brief conversation did.

I forget exactly how it started, but something about working all the time and how he had been working and paying rent since he was 16 because his step dad made him pay rent to live in the garage.

To which I responded, "I thought I had a shitty step-dad."

Which of course spawned further dialogue about our respective shitty drug addict step dads. Which to me is sort of a revelation. I mean, I obviously know others exist, I've just never had a conversation with anyone who has also experienced this. My close friends who have step dads mostly feel as if they got an upgrade. This frank discussion about being yelled at for no reason, wondering which version of him will walk through the door each day...I almost wanted to cry with relief that I was not alone.

Because if you haven't been through it, you can still understand it. But you can't really understand the impact it has on your psyche. You can't actually feel it. The underlying dread of each day. What nonexistent facial expression will I be punished for today? What tiny chore left undone will be treated like the end of the world? What terrible things will he say today, and will they make me cry? That constant apprehension.

I have a friend who experienced emotional abuse during her marriage. She sort of understands. She felt and withstood the insidious nature of it from 17 to 27. Terrible as that is, and terrible as I am to distinguish, I'm still going to say that it is vastly different when it occurs to an adult rather than a child. I was a child, literally molded by this man I had not chosen in any way to have around me.

I wonder if there are support groups for the children of addicts? Probably, there should be anyway based on how cathartic it was for me to have one small conversation about a shared hell.

My First Superpower

2019-10-18T22:03:00.000-07:00

When I was a child I used to think I had an ability no one else did. Certainly no one in my immediate proximity. I had the somewhat limited ability to know what would happen in my future, and the future of those around me. All I had to do was think of every most logical scenario for any given situation, and I'd get an approximate idea of the future.

Because of my shitty upbringing, wherein my parents never seemed to think beyond their present circumstances, I thought this was somehow special. Being able to comprehend cause and effect seemed like a superpower. That is literally the only way I could justify why they kept making the same terrible decisions over and over again. They didn't have this special ability.

This all seems rather absurd to me now.

However, the actual realization here is that my superpower was not just self awareness. It was a heightened awareness caused by the instability and chaos my parents inflicted upon me. My superpower was ANXIETY!

Fucking bullshit superpower if you ask me.

Heroes

2017-11-22T18:54:00.000-08:00

A hero can be defined as someone whose strength, brave acts, or fine qualities you admire. Heroes have long been prevalent in our society. Lately "super" heroes have become super popular. To me, the concept has been someone you look up to and wish to be more like.

As a child, I remember being asked in school quite often who my heroes were. Like it was a normal thing to have and share. Other children would reference their parents, grandparents, coaches, or teachers. They would even let you include singers or athletes you admired. My family was never typically heroic. I had no coaches, and liked none of my teachers all that much. I hated sports, and even singers to me have always just been the conduit of what I love. I never knew what to say.

As an adult, I am still searching. Though it would be apt and honorable to list some human rights activist as a hero, it would also be dishonest. I'm not even pretending to strive to be that great. But I have found that I did have childhood heroes - they were just mostly fictional. And largely female.

Laugh if you will, but Buffy and Xena are the feminist icons that taught me a girl could be physically and emotionally strong despite adversity. Because of adversity. No knight in shining armor needed. This is heroic to me because growing up as a born again Baptist, this isn't the lesson you are taught. No females in my life stood up to men (or vampires) as an equal. Women weren't allowed to be leaders above men, or to strive for a life without men or children. Female heroines of Christian culture always fell short for me because they were valued for their meek and servile qualities. Bleh.

So, Joss Whedon is also sort of a hero to me because he created Buffy, and Robert Tapert for Xena.

As a teenager, I began to value the works of poets like Dorothy Parker, whose blunt and morbid prose got me through high school. Silvia Plath was by far the greatest strength to me when I was in my massive depressive slump in college, despite her own eventual self destruction. In many ways they are the foundation for the poetry I write today. Recently I have discovered Rupi Kaur and her work The Sun and Her Flowers, which has been a revelation. I don't know if this makes them heroes, but it does make them admirable and brave to me.

In terms of expression through art, Frida Kahlo is my biggest hero. She lived a life of pain and turned it into beauty. She had such a vibrant self-awareness that she portrayed through her surreal and sometimes visceral artwork. How could that not be heroic?

The past few years I have been searching for inspiration as a boss. Been living that Manager life, which is terrible and exhausting, but also necessary to my journey. But balancing professionalism with authenticity is sort of strange and hard. Sophia Amoruso of Nasty Gal has become a hero to me with her ballsy entrepreneurial spirit. I'm not sure I ever want to start my own business, but if I did, she has shown me that it's possible to remain your cool, weird self while doing so. And even that it's okay to fail sometimes, so long as you pick yourself up eventually. #GirlBoss Other women like Tina Fey and Mindy Kaling have also inspired me in this way.

Musically, some fantastic women like Joan Jett, Kathleen Hanna, and Brody Dalle, taught me it was awesome to be loud and crass and, well, "unladylike". David Bowie of course (not a woman) is an inspiration in his no fucks given long career (R.I.P) creating convention by defying it. That's all I want to do.

Finally, yes, someone in my family has become heroic to me. My Grandfather. First generation Mexican/American. Joined the Army and jumped out of airplanes. He was injured and discharged with a purple heart. Became a History, Spanish, and Math teacher, then eventually the Principal. Aside from all that, I've always known him to be heroic in everyday ways. Like how he takes care of the many many animals my Grandmother insists on acquiring, even though he has no real fondness for them. His love for her and his family is the most heroic thing to me.

Sorry this post has been so unforgivably long. But if you made it this far, your prize is...NOTHING! Congrats.

New Job, Who Dis?

2017-09-25T19:01:00.000-07:00

First official day of training.

So far, I have made a window display, and cleaned out a storage room. The previous management left me with a billion different holiday decorations - all in a million different tubs, crates, and boxes. Some not even in boxes. So I spent most of my day today just wrestling through the mess and organizing it. The mind boggles at such disarray. But there is something supremely satisfying in taking such a mess and making it neat and orderly. Or is that just me?

Tomorrow I get to tackle the storage room with all the backstock. I'm sure I will have just as much fun with that. Don't worry, after that there is the whole rest of the store to organize because dear satan, the previous manager really did not care to put anything in an obvious place. I'm going a little insane already.

The training so far has been limited to some register functions and item pricing. So, all my fears about my capabilities seem to have been unfounded. What a relief! And the hours (9am-5:30pm) are so nice! Tomorrow I will be working at the gas station 6-11pm, so I'm not really looking forward to that...but I'm sure I'll be fine. I'm just trying my best now to stay awake til 11pm. Not really sure what to do with myself during all this normal people time. Maybe clean my house?

Nah.

Good Times, For A Change

2017-09-21T12:56:00.000-07:00

*See, the luck I've had can make a good man turn bad.*

Well, BOOYA! Life finally gave me a win. I mean, like exactly one. After some extensively bad interviews, this other place finally decided to hire me as their Store Manager! I'm super excited. I'll be working a 9am-5pm job! The only downside is the 90 day trial period, which I hopefully will not bomb. I want those health benefits, damnit!

After 6 months of job hunting, I'm honestly going to try my best at this job. It really seems like it might be a good fit. Diablo help me, after 8 years at my other job, I'm ready for a change. Now, I have heard some pretty terrible things about the management, but I've also heard some good things. I'm just hoping I can make these people love me too much to be terrible to me. I know, I know, optimism feels as weird on me as it looks. Shut up. I officially start training this coming Monday.

In other news, my leaving the gas station seems to have finally spurred the Supervisor into actually hiring some people. Fucker. I will still be working a couple nights a week, probably for the next 90 days, just as a safety net. Because I'm all about the safety net after my last experience trying to get a better job. That experience, and the 6 months of being rejected by prospective employers, basically destroyed me. I don't think the people in my life can understand just how demoralizing that was to me.

So wish me luck! Or sacrifice some virgins for my success, whatever!

Forgiveness

2017-08-07T10:47:00.000-07:00

verb (used with object), for·gave, for·giv·en, for·giv·ing.

to grant pardon for or remission of (an offense, debt, etc.);absolve.

to give up all claim on account of; remit (a debt, obligation,etc.).

to grant pardon to (a person).

to cease to feel resentment against: to forgive one's enemies.

to cancel an indebtedness or liability of: to forgive the interestowed on a loan.

Forgiveness seems to be an act that is an essential part of most religions and a core concept for happiness in countless modern self-help arenas. I really can't deny that it may reduce stress and give someone a healthier happier outlook. That being said, I have trouble with forgiveness. I am no longer affiliated with any religion, and I pretty much hate "self-help" philosophies. So, what is the point of forgiveness to me?

I find value in other people forgiving me for my many shortcomings, obviously, because I benefit from it. But what good has forgiving others ever given me? Or I guess, more to the point, have I ever actually forgiven anyone at all? Recently I've tried to become more generally accepting of people for who they are, which includes the myriad of questionable choices and actions they make. But is accepting the same as forgiving? It sure as hell doesn't mean I like them. It just means I acknowledge that they are who they are and will do what they will.

I think forgiving must be something else altogether. Something I may never have done.

I don't forgive that girl for stealing away my toy and playing "keep away" with it. I don't forgive my golden cousin for being a dickface. I don't forgive boys who break my heart. I don't forgive friends who treat me badly. I just sort of keep it in a file with their name on it. Here are the transgressions that go along with these people. I try to learn from the things that have hurt me, and I don't let them go. If I do, it's just sort of like asking to be hurt again.

"They" say that forgiving yourself is pretty important too. Again, I'm just at this point where I understand my actions at the time I made/make them and understand that's just something I did. Positively or negatively, I accept that I made that choice because that was the one I thought was best at the time.

So maybe that is forgiveness? Because there is no real resentment in much of my checklist. Just a sort of wary accountability. But what then would be unforgivable? Is it even a concept by my way of thinking?

Just another example of me making what is supposed to be a simple concept into a complex issue. Thank you, good night!

Update 2017

2017-07-28T05:33:00.001-07:00

So here's an update on my life that nobody asked for.

First of all, my work situation. Back in November of 2014 I became the GM of the shitty gas station I've been working at forever. Then in February of this year I stepped down and became a normal associate again because I was hired to be a secretary at this construction company. Only, the position was only open because they were promoting the current secretary (my friend Cathy) to Sales. And then they never promoted her because they are fucking sexist, which left me just screwed. So I've been job hunting since then, to no luck.

So back at the shitty gas station, my Assistant Manager was gunning for the GM position. I was pretty cool with this because she's one of the only ones there who knew how to do anything. But our Supervisor in all his wisdom decided to never promote her. Then a few weeks ago she and her husband get into some shit and now she's talking about moving to Ankeny.

So once again I'm being left at this shithole. But my Super has another think coming if he thinks I'm going to live in the mess he made by basically never hiring anyone and never making Amy the GM. I'm not running the damn place again. I'm already working there far more than I wanted to when I said I'd work some shifts. I'm only working this much because the jackasses I hired decided to quit when Amy wasn't the push-over I was.

Recently I haven't been feeling well, on top of working 5-6 nights a week, and that's not leaving me a great deal of time to job search (even if there was anything good out there). So with all of this, I think I've decided to tell my Supervisor that I'm not bending over backwards for that place anymore. It's just hard, because I've never been that person. I'm always the person who works for everyone else, never calls in, gets all my work done. It's strange for me to put myself first in a work context.

If only I could find a better job. Blerg.

Aside from that, there isn't much news in my life. Same friends. Same no boys. Well, some supremely awkward/disappointing run ins with random boys. But that's nothing new or different, really. Oh, I got a new car cuz my other one fell apart! Is that new? I dunno.

Whatever.

Things I Fucking Hate

2017-07-26T10:40:00.000-07:00

I actually wrote this quite a while ago, but it holds up. Thought I'd come back to this blog with a bang!

1. Congratulating Quitters
I'm not glad you quit smoking/drinking/being fun/whatever. I really don't give a fuck. It's super boring to me. You basically are dead to me now. Nice knowing you.

Ps. You'll be back. Nobody really quits, they just become that annoying person bumming smokes from me when they get drunk off two beers.

2. Enable Hate
I'm not a bad influence. You are a grown person. If you want to do something, and I let you do it around me, that may make me an enabler, but it doesn't make me a bad person. Maybe gain some fucking impulse control, stop blaming shit you do on other people, and get out of my face.

3. Negativity Hate
Not everything can be positive, I think that's just science. Life is a mixture of experiences. So when I hear, "I'm just trying to get rid of all the negativity in my life" what I really hear is, "I'm just going to pretend I'm two again and everything will go my way." Fucking get a clue. Negativity has its purpose, and you're being really negative about negativity right now, so you're pretty much just stuck in a quantum loop of stupid.

4. Being Nice
Surprisingly, I am quite nice in person. It's terrible because I'm this open minded rational human being who doesn't enjoy hurting other's feelings...but I fucking hate everyone and their bullshit. And I can never tell them, because I want people to be themselves. I just don't want to be around them. Which is why I have a blog to vent, I guess.

5. People In Relationships
Good, bad, whatever. Nobody ever seems to learn from any relationship, because they keep reentering the same one. And they think I should too. No thank you. I know I'm a train wreck who is attracted to other train wrecks. I'm fine not being in that situation. Also, everyone is a smug fucking cunt when they're in love. Fuck them.

6. Love
In the romantic context. Everyone seems to think life isn't worth living without some epic love you're supposed to find. I think it's bullshit. Why are you telling me I'm less happy than I'm supposed to be? That makes no sense. And it's shitty of you. Ever think that love doesn't always turn you into a Sandra Bullock movie? Sometimes it turns you into Sid and Nancy.

Too Good For You

2015-05-30T16:31:00.000-07:00

Today I was scrolling through my Facebook feed and saw a link posted by Amanda Palmer to an essay, I Don't Care If You Like It by Rebecca Traister. I haven't read something so on point with what I've been thinking and feeling in a long while. Blow for blow every word was just in ringing harmony with my soul.

A couple weekends ago I went out for a night of drinking and flirting and general social interaction, because in a town like this, that's basically all there is to do. So my night ends in someone's garage at probably 3a.m. where I happen upon a friend who has been having a terrible week. I know everyone in this garage, but this girl sort of needed my attention more than anyone else, so I gave it to her. That's not to say that I wasn't aware of the many other conversations around me. One particular drunk guy decided he wanted to ask me a bunch of questions while my friend was also talking to me, so I gave him a nod of acknowledgement and the "wait a fucking minute" finger mostly reserved for idiot children.

He then loudly says to the girl next to him "She thinks she's too good for me!"

Now...he's not wrong. But contextually, he can go fuck himself. I was obviously in the middle of something. and this is not the first time he has done something like this. And it wont be the last time a man thinks he deserves my time. I have just been having a hard time recently with how entitled men think they are to me and probably women in general. What gives them this idea? The idea that they are owed something for nothing? What gives them the idea that because they like me, I have to like them?

What makes them think I care what they think of me?

Obviously you are now thinking, "of course you care, you're ranting about it on your blog," but it's not his opinion of me I care about, it's his shitty reaction. And maybe it's also because I've been getting that reaction a lot lately. A lot of people seem to think I think I'm "too good for them". Well. I do now, you bitchy pre-teen in a 32 year old body.

Asleep

2015-05-02T21:30:00.000-07:00

Dealing With Women

2014-07-20T10:08:00.001-07:00

Okay this is mostly for my little brother and boys (men?) like him who seem oblivious about some pretty basic rules that apply to dealing with women. I mean, I hate to generalize, but let's just say probably some women.

1. Never say "We need to talk"
Unless you are actually planning on breaking up with her. This is the sort of thing that a girl will hear you say, and then if it isn't immediately followed by what you specifically need to talk about, she will fill it in. With the worst possible conclusion. Because that's where girls go.

2. Never compare her
Not to other girls, not even (especially) your mother. Just don't do it. I mean, fine, do it in your head, but never aloud. Girls are constantly comparing themselves to other girls. Girls they know, celebrities, fictional characters, etc...they don't need you to do it too.

3. Do not belittle her
Don't act smarter than her in a pretentious way. Don't correct her grammar. Don't tell her the way she eats is annoying. Don't actually make fun of her. She will never forget these slights.

4. Don't tell her she has too many shoes/bags/whatever
Unless it is literally impossible to live with. Like the boxes of shoes are about to topple over onto your stupid head. It's none of your business how many shoes/bags/whatever she has. She likes them, they make her happy, and she bought them with her own money. Fucking deal with it.

5. Don't bitch about the "Friend Zone"
It only shows what a fucking dick you are. The fact that you find your friend attractive does not obligate that friend to also find you attractive. Sometimes you get lucky and your friend wants you back. If not, get over it, get over yourself, and go get another girl that wants you as more than a friend. Because remember, no girl is "perfect for you" unless she wants you back.

That Bluesy Feeling Mix

2014-06-10T11:36:00.000-07:00

I've been sort of obsessing over the Blues lately...so here's what I've been listening to.

1. Devil Got My Woman - Skip James
2. Bring Me My Shotgun - Lightnin' Hopkins
3. You Was Born To Die - Blind Willie McTell
4. Ragged and Dirty - Willie Brown
5. You Never Can Tell - Blind Boy Fuller
6. Black Cat Blues - Lightnin' Hopkins
7. Nobody Knows You When You're Down and Out - Scrapper Blackwell
8. Back Door Man - Howlin' Wolf
9. Rambling On my Mind - Robert Johnson
10. Cypress Grove Blues - Skip James
11. Where Did You Sleep Last Night - Leadbelly
12. Future Blues - Willie Brown
13. Hard Time Blues - Scrapper Blackwell
14. Last Kind Words Blues - Geeshie Wily
15. Nobody's Fault But Mine - Blind Willie Johnson
16. Crow Jane - Skip James

Things I'm Tired of Pretending To Like

2014-05-22T06:48:00.000-07:00

1. The Goonies

For a long time, I thought I must've seen a different Goonies from everyone else. I mean, it was an okay movie, but I was never crazy for it. Everyone else acts like it was life defining. I always sort of nodded along and smiled like I knew what they were talking about. Now I'm just like, "Fuck the Goonies." Fuck your fucking childhood. I'm done. Deal with it.

2. Oregon Trail

I have never played this game. Apparently my childhood sucked. All I know about this game is that Dysentery was involved, which sounds incredibly entertaining. But the game probably wasn't. Stop telling me about it, I'm never going to play it, so what's the fucking point?

3. Dougie/Twerk/Whatevernewdance

I don't know what you're doing and I don't care.

4. Sports

Not that I've ever really pretended to like them, but it's a hard thing for people to accept. I don't like sports. Don't talk to me about sports, I'm not listening. I don't want to go to your Super Bowl party because I don't like football. Downton Abbey party? Fuck yeah! Anything to do with sports? Nooooope.

5. Scentsy/Aloette/Pampered Chef/Pure Romance

I don't want to go to your Bored Housewife/Mother Party. Your pricey purses and jewelry break and tarnish. I'd rather go to an Arts Fair and give my money to artists/bored housewives/mothers who make things than support your cheap stupid crap no one needs business.

Lazerfest Mix 2014

2014-03-12T05:30:00.000-07:00

This might be a little early, but I'm super excited for Lazerfest. Not only because I had a boozy blast last year, but also because Queens of the Stone Age and The Offspring are headlining this year! Last year was great, but this year I actually give a fuck about the bands that are playing.

1. 3's & 7's - Queens of the Stone Age (though they'll probably play the new album, which I've previously mentioned) (wish Josh Homme's wife would also be playing)
2. The Kids Aren't Alright - The Offspring (I have long loved The Offspring)
3. Hero - Skillet (I need a heeeero!)
4. The Bitch Came Back - Theory of a Deadman (I like to replace all the "she" and "her" in this song with "he" and "him" b/c I find guys dislike being called a bitch even more than girls. I do kind of like this band, even though they vaguely remind me of Hinder)
5. Imperium - Machine Head (This band's name seems so familiar, but I can't. I just can't. Think I'll go fetch some drinks while they play. Maybe get a tattoo?)
6. Sick - Adelita's Way (This also seems familiar...or maybe rock is just so homogenized now I don't even...ugh)
7. Make Me Wanna Die - The Pretty Reckless (that girl from Gossip Girl!)
8. Trenches - Pop Evil (yeah, more beer time) (Interestingly, they hail from a place I briefly lived, Grand Rapids, Michigan)
9. The Art of Breaking - Thousand Foot Krutch (so much beeeeeer)
10. Never Let Me Go - We Came As Romans (this reminds me of something 2006 would have wrought)
11. Heavy Bells - J. Roddy Walston and the Business (never done, but I like them, they actually kicks some ass!)
12. Bombshell - Powerman 5000 (I feel like they were hugely popular for some time, but this is the only song of theirs I know) (not that I want to know more) (I'm going to be so drunk)
13. Situations - Escape The Fate (I love this song. Sadly they have a diff lead singer now)
14. Winter - Chelsea Wolfe (sort of dark. I want to like her...not sure if I can. she just builds so slowly)
15. Split the Skies - Green Death (never heard of them, but they're from Iowa and they're pretty good in a death metal sort of way. color me surprised)

Just bought my tickets yesterday with my Kum & Go discount. Yay! the only tangible benefit to working there!

February Sucks

2014-02-28T09:58:00.000-08:00

I've had a fucked up month. Actually it started right after I made that post about dominating January. Which effectively cured me of any small amount of optimism I might have acquired. So, yeah, around a week after that post I got a horrendous stomach flu. Then (it feels like) everyone quit (at work). So we have technically only 3 new people, but actually we have 4 because the other one rarely works and doesn't seem to recall what it is he's supposed to do when he's there. That is called "benefit of the doubt" because he probably just doesn't give a fuck. I mean, hey, I wouldn't either if I were you, Guy, but I hate you anyway.

And everyone else was new and terrible at things for a while. And then the books were terrible. And there's the part where I'm Jodi's bitch and am supposed to tell everyone when they're terrible. Which I actually don't mind that much because...I'm a bitch. But it does get repetitive and tiring. The main 2-11 person we hired is now pregnant (maybe with twins) and getting sick and going home more often than she works. And I'm just constantly coming in to a fresher hell than the last.

On a more personal note, Mediacom is charging me $70 a month for internet now and I really need to switch providers, but I've never done that before and the unknown is daunting to me. Also, I need a new cellphone because mine is glitching like a motherfucker but what phone to buy??? And then there's the car issue, which is still basically strutless and stupid and now refuses to start, but I'm having an even harder time finding a replacement car because I live in Iowa and all the damn used cars have crazy fucking miles on them. And I know nothing about cars. The other thing is I still don't have healthcare because I'm in sticker shock over what it costs and I don't know what any of the terms mean. So basically I'm just tired of shopping for boring shit that isn't shoes, and trying to make smart decisions. I'm not a decision maker. Apparently I'm also just not very good at being an adult.

I just want to read books, watch Netflix and paint some pictures. Why does life want to keep me away from these things?

So today, I've just been fucking off reading Cracked, and obsessing over female boxing. Because when I get stressed out, I shut down and give no fucks. Let Future Hannah deal with this shit. Sure sucks to be her.

Another Comment

2014-01-19T08:15:00.000-08:00

I'm beginning to think the problem is not with other people (I almost typed "poople" which might be more accurate) (hahaha...poop) but may be with me. Maybe I'm just stuck in some bygone era where I don't feel like complete strangers need to have my opinions and judgments inflicted upon them. Because nobody else seems to feel this way.

I mean, this is my blog, come here or don't, I don't care. It's entirely your choice. I didn't spam you with my blog. You clicked on this shit to read it. Similarly, Pinterest is a place where I post things. Re-pin or no, I give no shits. Many of these things are just pictures/memes I find funny. I categorize them under "Funny Shit". Inherently, this should connote humor...specifically mine. Please don't inflict your lack of shared humor with me. Because why the hell would you? Why the hell would anyone? Just move on.

I pinned this:

I found this humorous for three reasons:
1. Arnold Schwarzenegger - I love that shit.
2. Bones do not jiggle.
3. This woman is obviously fat and not just big boned. Cruel or no, this is obviously true.

The description under the pin was "Your excuse is not valid." I did not write that there, I just neglected to erase it when I re-pinned. This is a common occurrence among Pinners. I don't assume anyone writes their own descriptions. But they sure as hell do write their comments. That shit takes, like, time.

So Becky comments: Must be nice to be perfect.

Yes, Becky, it is nice to be perfect. Because obviously I'd have to be perfect to find humor in this situation. Or did you mean perfect as in "has a sense of humor" or "is not super offended by obvious truths" ? People have called me many things, but perfect is not one of them. I readily admit that. I have jiggly bits of my own. But you know what I don't do? I don't call myself big boned. I have tiny bones covered in muscle and fat. And some other stuff. This is basic anatomy shit right here. Bones do not jiggle...so what exactly is jiggling if not fat? Is that FUPA actually a MUPA? If so, I apologize, but she should change her argument to "I'm not fat, I'm big muscled."

In summary, I don't know why I'm explaining humor to the internet. I suppose I just like ranting into the void. Also, Becky is totally fat.

January Is My Bitch!

2014-01-17T07:11:00.000-08:00

Okay, so a lot has happened this month...sort of.

First off, I am now a Sales Manager, which isn't especially exciting, but there is a pay raise. Also I'm Jodi's bitch. Which, honestly, isn't much different than it's ever been. I don't understand why Amie (the previous SM) was so stressed out all the time. Possibly she just has poor stress management skills. Possibly she just can't chillax about anything. Fuck her, I'm awesome.

This is me, 2nd in Command!
(I've been waiting far too long to make that joke)

Secondly (I have no friends), I almost feel like a complete/law-abiding adult because I now have car insurance and am in the process of getting health insurance. I might even go for a tri-fecta here and file my taxes on time!

Additionally, I got rid of my table that I never used which was taking up too much space. My hair is now pretty short and I like it. I got Sammi hooked on Sherlock/in love with Benedict Cumberbatch. And I watched season 3 of Sherlock. These are accomplishments to me, don't judge (or do so silently, if you must).

And Cathy's wedding was actually pretty fun if you ignore all the boring bits. I mean, free food!

The only downers are:
1. Floyd needs new struts and I don't know where that money is coming from because
2. I'm supposed to be saving for a new car and
3. Bills.
4. Still have no bird because of the previously mentioned money concerns.

Still, all in all, a decent month so far. Tonight I get to spend some quality time with my Sammi and my Netflix (The most important people in my life). Right now I'm going to start a potentially awesome book, The Gate Thief by Orson Scott Card, sequel to The Lost Gate, which I just re-read yesterday. This is already more reading than I've done the past two years. Hopefully I can regain my voracious reading habits again, while also not letting my Netflix feel too neglected...in the end it's all just time-management, though, right?

How are people ever bored?

Another New Year

2014-01-02T10:27:00.000-08:00

I think I am officially failing this 30 day challenge thinger...but I've decided not to care. Much like my new New Years resolution. Just kidding. But really. Last year I was apparently in a much different state of mind. Perhaps in the mostly-not-hungover state of mind that did not follow me to my present still-a-bit-hung-over state. Okay, so I just drank half a bottle of wine and I'm a little tired, which is different than hungover.

Anyway, I don't think I've accomplished anything from last year's to do list, as is my way, so I don't see much point in making a new one. It was a pretty terrible/normal year. This year I think I'll just try to become a better hermit. Maybe read some good books. Smoke less? I don't know, I'm really bad at self-improvement and it's very cold right now. I just want to sleep forever and never work or do anything at all. Can that be my resolution?

Bleh. The wine was a very bad idea.

Comments on Comments

2013-12-20T05:27:00.000-08:00

(Comments comments COMments comMENTS. Does comments even look like a word to you anymore?)

This is sort of a dirty little secret of mine, but a thing I like to do when I'm feeling bored or masochistic is to look at the comment section of random sites (twitter, facebook, cracked, youtube, etc..). For example, today after reading this excellent article by my future 3rd husband, Felix Clay, I decided to peruse what others thought of his hilarity. Because I am exceptionally bored today. On purpose.

A thing I've noticed about comments is a thing I end up noticing about people: they basically come in 6 different varieties. There is always (1) that person who genuinely wants to help/is perplexed by your humor. There is always someone (2) who is staunchly against whatever you say/deliberately takes everything you say out of context/does not understand context. Someone who (3) wants to suck your metaphorical (or actual) dick. Someone who (5) gives out way too much unnecessary information because they are lonely extroverts who just want to connect/people who think they are so awesome, everyone wants to know this trivial shit about them. And (6) the asshole 12 year old, aka. Troll. Sometimes, just maybe, you get the hilarious/useful comment that alludes to a person you might actually want to communicate with in the real world. You won't, but that fleeting desire is there. So I guess maybe 7 varieties. Shut up.

Anyway, I was sort of irritated by cherokeebride's comment of "Just because someone can't read your mind, doesn't mean they're thoughtless."

I guess you might need context as to why I find it annoying, but just go on this...the article was titled The 7 Worst Gifts People Seem To Give Every Christmas. This is posted on Cracked.com, a comedy site most notoriously known for lists and dick-jokes. This article is obviously going to include some over the top/mildly offensive humor. And the whole list is generically hateable enough to include everyone in the fun. So, if I were a person that commented on comment forums instead of a person who is so pathologically obsessed with her own opinions that she has a whole blog to post her comments to instead, I would respond to her that...oh shit, I just lost my train of thought.

Oh yeah, I would respond to her that there is this thing called humor that she has proven not everyone has in great supply. As in, some might have a small supply of it, and/or it might be defective in some way, possibly molding. Except that I would never rationally respond to this type of comment because it would be the most self-defeating thing I've done since that time the other day when I tried to argue Batman vs. Superman with a grown man who has a Superman tattoo. Which of course Cracked has already covered for me. I would instead troll the shit out of her. Because while I abjectly hate trolling, it is sometimes the only appropriate response.

-swift and Mediorite, however, are awesome.

So I guess to wrap up this long ramble about comments, I would like to say thanks to all of my imaginary readers for not commenting. I would probably just think you are insufferable anyway.

A Quote You Try To Live By

2013-12-19T05:35:00.000-08:00

The prompt says "a quote," but I'm going to do a few...because I am a whore for quotes. I love them. Deal with it.

1. "Do not feel lonely, the entire universe is inside you." -Rumi

This, and my extreme need for solitude, is why I'm rarely if ever lonely.

2. "There is only one way to avoid criticism: do nothing, say nothing, be nothing." -Aristotle

I used to be so worried about how others viewed me. So much so that I would make myself into something less than a person with a full range of likes and dislikes and personality. This reaffirms my resolve to just be myself.

3. "We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are." -Anais Nin

I love this quote as a reminder to myself that not everyone sees things in my perspective, and also to constantly check my own views and how they are biased, not necessarily truth.

4. "I have loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night." - Aristotle

The night sky intrigues, astounds, and soothes me. I have never been afraid of going anywhere at night (past the age of 4) because my obsession with stars and space (and okay, some morbid things) has made it impossible for me to feel anything but good about the night.

5. "I am the hero of this story, don't need to be saved." -Regina Spektor
Technically these are song lyrics, but I feel it's been vital to me. Vital to realize that you are the hero of your own story, and you need no saving. You need to save yourself. I need to save myself from my own problems, not wait around for some one else to pick up the pieces.

A Problem That You Have Had

2013-12-18T05:32:00.002-08:00

Me too, man, me too.

5 Ways To Win Your Heart

2013-12-17T12:00:00.000-08:00

1. Make Me Laugh
It's not hard. I have a sense of humor that ranges from juvenile to cynical, so I find pretty much anything funny. So if someone can't even accomplish that...it's just not going to happen.

2. Be Open
I like to dive into people's brains and try to figure them out, so I appreciate when they allow this. Maybe don't divulge everything up front, but if I don't even know who you are, how am I supposed to know how I feel about you.

3. Be Open-Minded
The best sort of people, in my opinion, are the ones who understand the fact that people can be different from them, and value different things, and still be awesome. I'm not saying they have to be perfectly zen with the world and in love with everyone, but maybe just tolerant of opinions not their own.

4. Be Passionate
About something. Anything really, except maybe murder.

5. Feed Me
I basically hate cooking, it's super boring, and end up going out to eat a lot. So I guess whenever someone makes me food, I think that is pretty epic. If you feed me, I will pretty much love you forever.

One Thing You're Excited For

2013-12-16T21:36:00.000-08:00

Okay, I'm going to kick this shindig off with the last item on the 30 Day Prompts list because I like the symmetry of #1 being One Thing. Also, I'm one day late with this! So, without further ado...

The one thing I'm excited for is getting a bird. Specifically, a cockatiel. My dad had a pair of cockatiels, Ward and June, when I was younger and I was always pretty in love with them. Well, Ward anyway. June was a bitch. Which is why I'm planning on getting a male, apparently they learn to sing/talk better than females, presumably due to some evolutionary mating thing.

Last week, I finally asked my landlady if she would charge me the pet fee if I got a bird, and if so, how much that would be. She replied that technically, the apartment owners don't want birds in the apartments at all, and usually the pet fee is $900. However, she said I could get a bird if I wanted, so long as I didn't fuck up the carpet, and she wouldn't tell the owners. No pet fee required. So that was pretty fucking sweet of her. So glad she loves me.

I ordered the bird cage and received it this week, set it up yesterday. It is super cute. Now I am just waiting for my next paycheck so that I can actually buy the goddamned bird. However, I want to get one from a breeder, not a pet store, and the closest breeder lives in Sioux City. Two fucking hours away. So I'm not excited about that. But I am super fucking psyched to get my bird. Even though everyone thinks I'm crazy for wanting a bird.

Why the fuck is everyone so biased about birds? It's not like dogs are so goddamn great, they shit and piss all over, you have to walk them, they bark for no reason, and they smell like...well, dog. So fuck y'all. I'm getting a motherfucking bird. And I'm excited.