Some people struggle for months or years to conceive, while we need merely think about adding to our family and it happens. As grateful as I constantly need to remind myself to be about this, it also serves as a double-edged sword. Inevitably I am shocked when I find myself pregnant so quickly and need some time to absorb the news and feel excited about it.
This time around we were in the midst of some pretty significant changes when we found out I was pregnant. We had just listed our home, were getting ready to make a big move to a house that needed a full remodel, would be living with Chris's parents, and I was working full-time. We thought for a brief moment that we weren't going to be undergoing all of these changes and decided to try getting pregnant. By the time we realized it was going to be a crazy time in our lives and probably not the easiest time to add to the insanity, I was already expecting.
So, I resolved myself to make the most of it, deal with my morning sickness through, packing, moving, and working and just not worry about what I couldn't control. And then I went to the Dr. Twins.
I went to my appointment alone because I figured "Hey, round #3, I got this. Chris doesn't need to take time off of work." As soon as the Dr. told me it was twins, I started bawling. Then I started laughing and then I cried some more. I was in shock. Twins were nowhere on my radar and clearly the last thing we needed in a house that already required remodeling to house the two children we currently have. I'll admit, I was even a little bit mad. Like Heavenly Father was playing some sort of sick joke on me or punishing me for something. I can;t even count the number of times I have thought "Man, I would hate to have twins."
When I got home from my appointment, I could barely even get the news out to Chris before breaking down again. He almost didn't believe me. How could we be having twins?! How does that happen?!
Over the next several days, my mind was filled with all sorts of panic. "How big am I going to get?" "How do you nurse two babies?" "How do you leave the house with two babies?" "How do you parent FOUR children, five and under?" How do you get anything done?" "Where are we going to put all these kids?" "How much is this going to cost?" "Are they going to have to be in the NICU, what are the risks, am I going to have to have a c-section?" And on and on.
Truth be told, I still have a mental freak-out about once a week. Overall, the pregnancy has been pretty easy, except for some morning sickness in the first trimester. While it has been physically better than I though tit would be, It has been emotionally much more taxing than with my first two. I worry more about the babies, I feel a huge sense of dread when I think about what it is actually going to be like, I feel jealous of people who are only going to add one, manageable baby to their family, I get sad thinking we'll never have any boys, the non-stop nursing thing has me all in a tizzy, and mostly I just feel like I have no idea what to really expect.
Yesterday I had an ultrasound. I am currently 30 weeks pregnant and have had several. It is always fun to see the babies, but the ultrasounds have never gotten me excited the way they did with Britta and Elodie. But this time, the babies were snuggled so close to each other and you could see their mouths opening and closing and the hair on their heads. For the first time, they were like real babies to me, not just some overwhelming, scary future I'm slowly marching (waddling) my way toward. For the first time, I felt a flicker of excitement thinking about meeting them. So I did what any self-respecting mother would do and went out and bought them matching dresses.
