stories

Tonight after I did some nighttime reading with Savannah she asked me to lay with her for awhile. Now, I have to admit that lately when the night falls I am ready to be done with all mothering duties. Most of the time I will tell her that her dad will come in and snuggle with her for a bit. But tonight I felt like staying and so I did.

One of Savannah's favorite things to do is to tell stories. She likes the made up kind of stories but she's especially intrigued with hearing stories that have actually happened. She also likes to share stories of memories that she has. After we exchanged a couple of stories I told her how much I loved her and how grateful I was that Heavenly Father sent her to me. This is where our conversation got interesting. Savannah asked me in so many words, who was here before we all came to earth. I knew exactly what she was getting at because that's how I thought as a little girl. So I told her about Adam and Eve and fast forwarded to how our family came to be. Then she said,

"So, I came first, then Benjamin, then Jacob."
"Yes," I replied.
"So we have three." (Family size is something that she has taken a particular interest in).
"Yes," I said again.
"Well, how come the Inkleys have five?" She has asked this question before and in the past I have told her that it's because Heavenly Father just blessed us with three kids. Tonight, something else came into my mind.
"Well Savannah, your daddy and I tried for many years to get pregnant with you."
"You did?" she asked.
"Yep, we tried for six whole years." She gasped a little and then said,
"Wow. Were you sad all those years that you didn't have a baby?" I paused a second to compose myself.
"Yes, I was. And we were so happy when we found out that I was going to have you."
"Did you cry?" she asked.
"Yes."
"Are you crying now?"
"Yes, but they are happy tears." And then she said,
"I love you, Mom and I can never stop loving you and hugging you."

I was amazed. To be honest, I didn't think that a five year old was capable of understanding that someone would be sad if they didn't have a baby. And to have the very person who we prayed so long to have ask me if I was sad while we waited for her felt like everything came full circle. To tell you the truth, it felt like she was much older than five. I'm sure she didn't know what she was doing, but she filled my cup tonight. And I needed it.

legs

Seriously?

Are YOU my mother?

I always wanted a baby girl who looked like me. Well, at least bared some resemblance to me. After all, I did most of the work. Well, we all know who Savannah looks like. She's a female version of Tom, but much more beautiful. There was a time when I thought Benjamin looked more like me than Tom, but now he's starting to resemble Tom as well. And it's crazy because I don't think Benjamin or Savannah look like each other, but somehow Tom got the trump on their gene pool. Now, I got my last chance to have a child who looks like I could actually be his mother. And I gotta say, that of all my children I think Jacob looks the most like a Van Wagenen. He's looks like me, but the improved version of me. And even though he's not the little girl I envisioned, he's definitely making me feel like I made a contribution. Thank you, son.

progress

Things between me and Benj are getting better. I think. Since he is not a natural giver of affection I have decided I have to be the one to initiate. In the past he would usually try to squirm away when I hugged or kissed him but last week he swatted at me. I countered with a sad, sad, face complete with a pouty mouth and puppy dog eyes. He laughed and jumped in for a hug. Then it became a game. The swat, the sad face, then the hug. Over and over.

Well yesterday while Savannah was at school, I picked Benjamin up and began to love on him. To my surprise, he didn't resist my loving. In fact, he let me hold on for quite awhile. Then, he brought his hand back to swat at me. And again, to my surprise I was met with a gentle pat instead of being hit. Of course I knew that this was his way of starting our little game but with a little more softness. Then, last night came the real shock. Benjamin actually initiated a hug. I could not believe it. I was so surprised and I realized that it had been a really long time since that had happened. See, as a mother, your payback for all of the hard work you do doesn't come in the form of money. It comes in sweet love notes and drawings, offers to help out with dinner, happy laughter when your kids are getting along, a "please" without having to be reminded, and hugs and kisses. That's probably the most gratifying. The one that warms your heart and soul the most. Those hugs and kisses. I didn't realize how much I was missing those hugs from Benj until he gave me one all on his own. And it was heavenly. Thank you, Benj.

Savannah's Art Sept.'10

As I've mentioned before, Savannah loves to draw and create. Yesterday she drew a picture of me and her (picture on the left) and just so Tom wouldn't feel left out, she drew a picture of her and him. Goodness, she's great.

I've joined the ranks

Today as I was driving Savannah to school I had a realization. See to me, Kindergarten isn't that much different than preschool. Savannah's gone for a few hours just like preschool but instead of going to school two days a week, she goes five days. But as I was driving into the carpool lane and looking into the "Mom mobiles" in front of me and behind me I felt a sense of solidarity. That school Mom solidarity. Some moms looked like they had just rolled out of bed, while others were walking their kids to school dressed to the hilt with full makeup and jewelry. You can guess which category I fell into. On many levels I feel too young to have a child in school. Those other moms looked so old. Or maybe just tired. Either way I've joined the ranks. I'm a school mom now and there's no looking back.

Kelly take II

Remember my first Kelly Clarkson concert? Well, I got extremely lucky and my brother Scotty hooked me up and I got to see her again!!! I basically got to stand front row and it was awesome!! Although I realize yet again how old I am because it was almost too loud for me. I should have worn ear plugs. I'm also getting to the point if I go to any concert that I want the option of sitting down. Ya, I'm old. It was still so much fun and for a second I felt like I was 17 again. Until my back started aching from jumping up and down. Ha ha. And if you are wondering if that's really Kelly Clarkson making a strange face with her mouth wide open in that first picture. Yup, it is.

Where Were You?

I was living with my In-laws. I had the t.v. on but was dozing in and out on the couch. I woke up to the sound of Katie Couric's voice speculating about it being an accident. And a few moments later I watched as the second plane flew into the second tower. I was horrified. Completely in shock. I called my mom and told her to turn on the t.v. I was pacing back on forth with restless energy when I realized I had to catch the bus to the University of Utah where I was a student at the time. When I got on the bus there was an eerie silence and people whispering amongst themselves. Then I heard a guy talking about the possibility of more planes hitting more targets and one heading to the White House. When we arrived on campus I ran to the student center because I knew there would be coverage on the big screen t.v. there. Dozens of students gathered around the room watching as the events unfolded. I couldn't believe how quiet it was for the number of people in the room. I watched in horror until the towers began to fall. This photo was taken of me by a student reporter as I sat frozen witnessing the worst thing that had happened in my lifetime. I still can't talk about that day and what happened without feeling like my heart is breaking in my chest.

I told them to play with the box...

and they did. What obediant children I have.

summer cabins

There's just something about spending time at cabins in the summer. A few weeks ago we went to Bill Burgi's (April's daddy) cabin, and a few days later went on a spontaneous overnight trip to the Inkley's cabin. There's something about being in nature that makes you want to:


Pose for pictures...

show some leg...

snuggle with babies...

chill on the computer...

and make ridiculous faces. however, I don't think Senja could look ridiculous if she tried!! The rest of us? Well, let's just say some hidden and not so hidden talents were discovered on this day. A day that will live in infamy....

Here are a couple of snapsnots from the Inkley's cabin. Just as fun. Not as ugly.

toes

Jacob boy has discovered his toes. This makes him very happy. :)

You take the good you take the bad....

So, I was enjoying a moment of reflection last night with Savannah and Benjamin as we were browsing through my blog book together. I only have one printed so far, but a second blog book is already on my Christmas wish list. It's funny because there were so many things that I documented that I've completely forgotten. Things that took place only a year or two back. How happy I am that I wrote some of those things down.

Another great thing about blogging is that I wrote down some of my "bad day" experiences along with my good days. Like when Savannah was on a mischief streak. Or on a whining streak. See, looking back I have no recollection that she was ever like that. In my eyes, she's always been my sweet, loving, Savannah. So, taking that into account I can only hope that Benjamin's recent behavior will eventually become a distant memory.

Ever since the new one came along, Benjamin has been struggling. I knew this would happen and it caused me great pain and worry to see my son having such a difficult time. I really felt bad for him after Jacob was born. Then to my surprise, things started to get a little better. The tantrums tapered off and he seemed to be getting used to our new family arrangement. He potty trained himself and was settling into his new role as big brother. Then, out of nowhere, like a freight train the tantrums and whining started again. This was accompanied by constant teasing of his sister and almost constant fighting with his cousin Max. He would wake up crying and go to bed crying. It hurt my heart to see him like this and my frustration only escalated. Then one day I had an epiphany. "You need to show him more love". So, I did. I made an effort to play with him. To tickle him. To tell him I loved him more. And, it helped. For a short while. Only to have the sad boy return again. The reason I write all of this is because I know that one day this will pass. I can only hope that it passes. I need for this to pass. I want to feel love in my heart for this child who we prayed so hard would be okay after he was born. And maybe that's what I need to do. To pray to feel love. To pray for patience. Because I know that one day this boy will grow to be a man. And I need for him to know he was loved. That he was cared about. So now I know what I need to do. Let's hope it works.

"Parade" by, Savannah