Kiss Me, You Fool

I have a close friend who is a recovering sex and love addict. She is an older woman (a phrase I use when I mean "older than me") and so dear to me. This woman has about 20 years of recovery under her belt, immense wisdom and humility. She's been nothing short of a gift from God to me and I am grateful to share this universe with her.:-) She doesn't mind my sharing some insight she and I both are gaining as a result of a new relationship she is in.

My friend has not dated for probably about 10-15 years now. I suspect much of this comes from the deep respect she has for sobriety and her own addiction. She is fully aware that returning to addictive relationships could mean death for her. Many of the men she dated or was married to in the past are already dead themselves due to reckless behavior and various addictions of their own. I have encouraged my friend, however, that I do not personally feel that God intends for us to live alone. This doesn't mean we are all meant to be married, however, I feel my friend has much to offer in a relationship and is certainly deserving of much love and admiration. I've encouraged her to remain open to healthy men and when there is an opportunity for a date, she needs to go! Unlike decades ago when she moved desperately from one unhealthy man to another in an attempt to get her love fix, she now has a circle of sober friends who will help hold her accountable. She also has years of healing under her belt and numerous new coping tools. She has taken my fine advice and has been dating someone for 2 months.

My friend has established a rule for herself that, at first, I didn't quite understand. She has promised herself that she will not kiss this many until and unless they have dated successfully for 3 months. I spoke to her this week and asked, "Have you gotten to smooch yet or not?" She says, "Nope, still no smooching! You'll be the first to know!" She and I discussed what the purpose of this personal contract has been and how in the heck is it even working. She and I are first and foremost shocked that she is dating someone who has not questioned this. She has not told him about her personal promise and he has not attempted to kiss her. They have held hands and demonstrate a romantic interest in one another but neither are anxious to push things too far too soon. I am learning that, by slowing things down in this way, my friend is experiencing many unexpected benefits:

1) Reduced possiblity for fantasy behavior: we all know that sexual feelings can cause you to feel a little crazy in your head and influence you to overlook otherwise unhealthy or inappropriate behavior in a partner. By not taking the relationship to that level that particular temptation is not there and they are able to experience each other at a more "real" and therefore more intimate level than other couples who are hopping into bed within the first few dates. Yes, Honey, BELIEVE it.

2) Reduced tension and anxiety around the sexual aspect of the relationship: by limiting the first kiss, the sexual tensions are held at bay. This allows for the both of them to just stop thinking about it and worrying about it. Instead, do you know what they do? They just go on a date and have fun with each other without worrying about when is the sex gonna happen! Again, they are opened to a truer level of intimacy because of this.

3) Maintaining a personal sense of integrity and safety: for my friend in particular this is very important. This is a big deal to her and very scary. It is exactly this kind of limit that has allowed her to safely date at all. We are also both shocked that she has found this man who is so respectful of it. It's made her realize that it wasn't the man who was always the problem in past relationships-- perhaps she was the one pushing things too quickly sexually and there are actually many men who would be willing to respect her timing and limits. THAT is a true paradigm shift for her and very freeing. Should things not work out in this relationship, she's learned something so important about men-- they can be safe and responsive to your needs when you express them.

I've been with the same man for 17 years and we have 2 children. We're way past the withholding the kiss stage, so walking through this with my friend is so special to me. A part of me gets to learn alongside her. Yeah, recovery!

Photo above found at:
http://browse.deviantart.com/?q=princess%20kiss&order=9&offset=24#/d1cryw6

The Lover and the Beloved

Today my heart is full. I am the Beloved. I have a very dear friend who performed a huge service for me and I paid her for this service. Actually, I hadn't paid her in full but was sending her monthly payments and we were both happy with this arrangement. This morning I received a letter from her that said: "Sweet Melissa, I am following my heart (and God's direction on this). In the spirit of the season, and with full knowlege (and God's grace), the slate is wiped clean. Hoping for lots of opportunities to be in your presence in the New Year. Merry Christmas! Pay it forward when you are able." I stood there holding that letter feeling like George Bailey.

I am a mother, a manager, a therapist, and a wife. All of the primary roles in my life make me the Lover. I am traditionally the one that gives. I am the one who performs acts of love for others, and I am content with this. I know how to care for myself and keep myself replenished so that I am able to give from a place of abundance rather than compulsion. This has not always been the case for me. I would actually say that for the majority of my life, I was parched. I had nothing to give, yet I worked myself to the bone trying to keep everyone happy. I gave from my own limited emotional and mental resources until I was completely spent. It has taken many years of healing and years of good self-care (what one friend of mine calls EXTREME SELF CARE) that I began to come back to myself. I am now more quickly able to determine when I am giving from compulsion and an empty Love Account rather than from an overflowing Love Account.

I am realizing today that, although I am content in being a Lover in this world, I cannot live this way perpetually or I will go spiritually and emotionally bankrupt. Not only do I need to keep my Love Account full through conscious daily contact with my Higher Power but I also need to stand still and allow myself to be loved on by other people. I am loved by many people and it is good to let them love on me from their own abundance. It is their spiritual service to love me and I should never rob others of their own spiritual acts of service. In the last 6 months, perhaps more than ever in my life, I have felt so loved, appreciated, and honored. Almost every day of my life I have someone encouraging me, appreciating me, and supporting me. It has become almost excessive and makes me laugh with God as I continue to experience this outpouring of love from friends and family! This friend's recent act made my heart swell. She re-filled my Love Account today. That's it! I get my Love Account replenished not only through direct contact with my Higher Power but also through His working through other people. In order to be a good Lover I have to respect my place as the Beloved as well.

Song of Solomon speaks to this problem, "Many waters cannot quench love; rivers cannot wash it away. If one were to give all the wealth of his house for love, it would be utterly scorned" (ch.8, v.7). A person who gives all they have will go bankrupt and be useless! George Bailey from It's a Wonderful Life filled the Love Accounts of many people through his kindness, intelligence, and charisma. He gave until there was nothing left and he reached a point of despair. He reached a place where he had no other choice but to stand quietly in his own home while friends and family came in and gave of their abundance to rescue him. George Bailey had to respect his place as the Beloved in order to continue being a good Lover. Even God adores the praises of his children. The Lover and the Beloved are ying and yang to each other and I am really just seeing the right-ness of this for myself.

Today I am the Beloved and it feels good.

Intimacy: Do It Afraid

A reader recently asked for some specific tools in learning to tolerate intimacy. Intimacy, the sharing of your genuine self with another and experiencing the genuineness of another, can feel wonderful and also very scary. In those simple moments of intimacy, one can feel so vulnerable. When we expose our soft spots, there is the risk of that fragile place being crushed by another. This is especially true for those of us who have been crushed in the past. Having offered entry into your true self and having it trashed, one can become cynical, even downright phobic of trying again.

Being a 12 Stepper, I hold a firm belief in a Higher Power and my Higher Power is God. I believe God desires for us to have intimacy first and foremost with Him and there is a holy place within us reserved for God alone. Beyond that, I also believe he desires for us to enjoy intimacy with other trusting people, and God offers continual comfort and healing for the times we will be hurt by others in the process. Being intimate always requires the risk of being hurt or disappointed, and the reward is always worth the risk. Yes, you will be hurt. It's just part of the process. You will survive and heal from these hurts.

Here are a few tools for those of you who are ready to remain open to the wonderful gift of intimacy but often feel afraid and want to pull back:

1. Simply Be Present In moments of intimacy (whatever that might be, conversation, quiet times together, eye contact, sex, etc.)when you feel the anxiety begin to rise, simply remain present. Stay in the moment and just observe it. Notice the sights and sounds of the moment. Simply observe them, identify them (i.e., my husband is wearing blue, the TV is on in the other room, my left knee aches). Sometimes identifying the simpler components of a moment can reduce the anxiety of it. Let the pressure of the moment recede while you identify these smaller components.

2. Breathe and Soothe When the anxiety begins to rise, take a deep breath in for as long as you can hold it, then release for as long as you can release it. Take several of these belly-deep breathes and speak in a soothing voice to yourself inwardly such things as "I am OK right now," "these moments are good for me and my partner," "nothing bad is happening right now," "I am just fine, I can do this, this is good." Relax, breathe, and soothe yourself with kind words. Talk yourself gently through it. You have to learn to tolerate the moment rather than escape it. When you don't escape the anxiety, you find that it reaches a peak, then begins to recede. After you have tolerated and talked yourself through the anxiety, you can gain confidence over it.

3. Daily Alone Time with God I say daily because you probably need this frequent practice if intimacy is difficult for you. How do you expect to feel OK sharing deeper parts of yourself with another when you cannot even experience those deeper parts when alone? Sit quietly with God and feel his acceptance of every single part of you. As you learn to feel OK with all of you, then you will grow more comfortable sharing that with others. It takes a little time and patience with yourself.

4. Practice Be willing to put yourself in situations of intimacy that make you uncomfortable. These are wonderful opportunities to practice. Don't worry about whether or not you are doing it "right," only be proud of yourself for continuing to try. Pat yourself on the back and cheer yourself on, "I am so brave doing this. So many people never show this kind of willingness to grow, but I want more intimacy!" And this is true, many people struggle with this step-- practicing. It's just too hard, so they make excuses for why they cannot go on that date, excuses for why they need to work a couple hours late rather than go home to the wife, make excuses for why they cannot talk with family when they do come home.

These 4 strategies are loosely based on Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT)pioneered by Marsha Linehan. I use these strategies with clients coping with many different types of anxiety.

Photo above found at:
http://gemini-soul.deviantart.com/favourites/#/d1dqgwk

Bottom Line Behaviors: The Gentle Path

Here's a question asked by many sex and love addicts-- how do I know what my bottom line behavior is? For an alcoholic, it's a little more simple, they stop drinking. For a sex and love addict, it could be a whole host of behaviors that are creating emotional drunkenness, and what these behaviors are for one love addict can be different from the next love addict. A bottom line behavior is a behavior that, when engaged in, leads to loss of self. Engaging in this behavior can prevent the addict from experiencing valid and necessary feelings of anger, grief, or even intimacy. The bottom line behavior is sometimes used as a smoke screen to avoid the uncomfortable feelings of anger, grief, or intimacy. Engaging in the bottom line behavior tends to bring an immediate relief, an ah-h-h-h feeling, at least in the early stages of addiction. As addiction progresses, an addict often has to engage in more of this behavior or more intense forms of it to achieve the "high."

When a sex and love addict is ready to get clean, he/she must decide what their bottom line behaviors are and make the conscious decision to avoid those behaviors. Most commonly, these behaviors might be ceasing excessive masturbation, ceasing extra-marital affairs, or ceasing the use of pornography, etc. If you are an addict trying to define your bottom line behaviors, ask yourself these questions, "What is the behavior that, if I stop doing it, I'm going to feel like I'm going crazy? What behavior, at the thought of no longer doing it, makes me almost panic? What behavior, when I stop doing it, is immediately going to send me into emotional withdrawal symptoms?" Whatever you answer to these questions-- that's your bottom line behavior.

Here are a few important things to remember before launching yourself into withdrawal and ceasing your newly identified bottom line behavior:

1. Have a solid support system in place. Be prepared to attend your 12 step meetings as often as possible while going through withdrawal. Have the phone numbers of several recovery friends who can provide support and be very kind to yourself during this difficult time. Seek your Higher Power daily. Do not attempt to go through withdrawal alone and on your own will power-- that's just cruel.

2. Know it is OK to modify and add behaviors to your bottom line list as your progress through recovery. You are not expected by your Higher Power to know all of your bottom line behaviors in the early phases of recovery, maybe not in your entire lifetime! As you gradually survive varying phases of withdrawal from one behavior after another, you will most likely recognize other behaviors that also create emotional crazies. For example, after 3 months of successfully ending an abusive relationship, you recognize that having fantasies of that person also has deep emotional effects on you. Continuing to engage in fantasies of that person is like drinking a poison and you feel sick or out of sorts the remainder of the day. You have just learned that fantasizing about this past partner is a new bottom line behavior that should be avoided to maintain emotional sobriety.

Recognizing your bottom line behaviors and maintaining sobriety from them may sound like a complicated and daunting task. Yes, it can feel very overwhelming at times, causing an addict to just want to throw in the towel. Always remember the practices of gentleness and kindness toward yourself in recovery. You can be firm and discipline yourself in love and humility, not out of punitive shame. Identify the bottom line behaviors and know that abstaining from them is leading you down the path toward your true self. Ceasing bottom line behaviors is an act of love toward yourself not a punishment. You do this because not doing it could mean death or loss of sanity. You do it because today you want to hold onto your serenity. Knowing your bottom line behaviors and respecting their destructive power is a life preserver in recovery.

Photo above found at:
http://browse.deviantart.com/?q=gentle path&order=9&offset=24#/d2qvad7

The Condiments of Marriage

Marriage is a very complex and tricky thing. We know how God intended for marriage to be when he created Adam and Eve, and we know that He knew all along that was going to be too hard. We cannot be married without God-- it's just too hard! I hear young people sharing with excitement their news, "I'm getting married! I just love him!". I just smile politely, bite my tongue, and know inwardly, "Yeah, Sister, just wait till he's not so cute anymore and you realize you actually have to WORK at living together."

I supported myself throughout my college years by waiting tables. At the end of every night, we servers cleaned our table sections, which included marrying the condiments. We would fill back to the top any ketchup, mustard, or salt and pepper shakers that had been used, so that all condiments were full for the next day's customers. A half-used ketchup bottle would be married with another half-used ketchup bottle to create something new for the next day. When two people get married they bring together everything they own and join it. They create a home from their joint furnishings and finances. They marry their talents, whether that be organization, patience, handyman, cook, or compassion. When everything that two people own physically, emotionally, and spiritually is married together, life should be easier for them and their potential for growth much greater than they could have as two singles. At least that's the ideal God had in mind. Actually getting there is pretty tough and doesn't magically happen right after you both say "I do."

When you go out to eat, you will readily find your most commonly used condiments right at your table. If marriage were the dining table, there are three main condiments that should always be married at that table to keep the two diners happy. These marriage condiments (the true life blood of marriages) are sex, money, and parenting. When one partner has more control than the other in any of these three areas, this couple is at high risk for an unsatisfactory relationship.

Sex-- both partners should always feel they have full ownership over their own bodies and sexuality and share it willingly when they want and in the ways they feel most comfortable. Any compromises are discussed and agreed upon by both parties. If one partner routinely gives in to the other, invalidating their own needs or feelings, then the condiment grows empty. You have to get married in your sex life. Actually, I tend to believe that when two people do not bring equally to the marriage emotionally, then the sex condiment gets drained pretty quickly.

Money-- both partners should always have complete access to and full knowledge of the money coming into and out of the household. What gets spent, where, and why are decisions made by the two partners who have married their finances and, thus, both have equal say in where the money goes. Often one person may write the checks, balance the account, etc. for simplicity's sake or because one person is more organized in this area. Even so, the married couple operates as partners and equals in the managing of their funds. There are no money secrets and no money dictators.

Parenting-- couples who join their parenting skills have reached an agreed upon plan of how disciplinary issues will be addressed, what rewards will be used and when, and especially how many children there will be, if any! Having and raising children is a joint operation, a business managed by two people who bring together their abilities and both parties are always kept fully informed of the goings on of the child business. When one person is solely responsible for parenting or the two partners are not in agreement on their parenting values and plans, this is a marriage headed for destruction!

You alone cannot supply everything a marriage needs. You cannot give your all, particularly in the areas of sex, money, and parenting, and believe that you will carry this so-called marriage on your own. There might be a piece of paper that says you are married legally, but when one person is in charge and keeps the other in the dark-- where is the joining? Is this really a marriage? If you are the one getting left in the dark or being left out of the partnering in any of these areas, it is your right to speak up. If you care anything at all about your marriage, you will insist to be made an equal partner in these areas, to be heard, and to be respected in these areas. Whether you've been married 15 minutes or 15 years, there is always room for more marrying. Bring what you have to the table and expect the same from your partner. Keeping the condiments of sex, money, and parenting equally married will make for happy couples!

Photo above found at:
http://fireinyourheartx.deviantart.com/art/salt-and-pepper-109914932

Crazy is an STD

One of the spiritual lessons I am in the midst of these days (and we are always in the midst of one, whether your recognize it or not) is better understanding my sexuality. My concept of sexuality has been corrupted by culture, childhood events, relationships, media of various forms, and much more. I'm definitely in the beginner classes, when it comes to understanding the magnitude of sexuality and how it encompasses our entire (human) being.

As God often does for me, He introduces a person or event into my life that becomes a perfect metaphor for what He's trying to teach me. I enjoy metaphor, use them often, and think in them often. Being our spiritual Daddy, He knows how we all learn best! A couple days ago our home computer became infected with a pervasive and pesky virus that eventually crashed the entire system. In researching this virus and how to clean it, I probably created even more devastation than was already there. I also had the honor of experiencing what I have learned in the computer world is called "the blue screen of death." When your computer gives you that blue screen screaming error... well, you're just toast. Yeah, I get that now. Thanks. This morning God dropped some insight into me like a pebble into a pond-- my sexuality is the core operating system for my entire life!

Our sexuality goes way beyond sex organs. Because I am admittedly still in the beginner classes here, I cannot rattle off for you the complete list of what falls under "sexuality," but I can tell you that you'll find much more than "genitalia" listed there. In fact, I'm beginning to realize that practically EVERYTHING about me falls under the category of my sexuality, and I am hard pressed to find what isn't listed there. My sexuality is my very self as a woman-- my creativity, my feelings and thoughts, my strengths and weaknesses, my emotional and spiritual energies, my gender identity and role on this planet as a woman. My sexuality is the very essence of everything else about me, the core operating system. God forbid it ever get infected with a virus. Been there, done that and it pretty much sucks.

I am no computer genius, but I know there are innermost programs operating on an unseen level that keep my computer healthy. These programs are the skeleton for every other operation I want to perform, kind of like the secret inner room of my hard drive. There is a secret inner room to my sexuality, where no one enters but God. If I allow my spouse, partner, friend, or any one else to go where only God can exist, I get infected. Then there is a middle room to my sexuality that is meant only for close intimate relationships. God permeates into this room as well and allows me to bring in my husband. This room is meant only for him and if I let someone else in, yes, I get infected. Just a side note, I am not talking about the kind of infection that requires a shot of penicillin! Even though the virus entered through this middle room, it worms its way into every area of my sexuality and every room becomes infected!

Then there are other outer rooms where it is good to allow safe people. It is vital to the health of my sexuality that I keep these outer rooms open, while also using good protection. I have to share the programs operating from the depths of my inner sexuality, because they are creative masterpieces from God and His gift to the world. To keep them to myself would just be a waste. But in that sharing, and in all moments of sharing and opening, I need good protection around me that I do not allow viruses to come in and infect the lush and fertile grounds of my sexuality/my encompassing self.

When we are infected in our sexuality, regardless of how the virus entered, it can manifest itself in a lot of dysfunctional patterns. We're most likely going to see it really wreaking havoc in our relationships. A healthy sexuality shares intimacy and honesty, but an infected system cannot perform this function. An infected sexuality also creates bad employees and bad bosses. We become selfish or conversely, a wide open door for any fool that wants to come in and pillage. We become neurotic, psychotic, codependent, lazy, workaholic, alcoholic, sexaholic, ragers, doormats and/or devoid of any self at all. Our thinking becomes illogical and distorted. We start to believe things about ourselves and the world that are so sick it then affects the way we behave. You see how a virus spreads and affects every area of our lives?

So now I'm wondering, what is good virus protection for sexuality and where can I get some? Well, naturally, foremost I guess that means keeping my innermost room healthy. That space for me and God needs to be clean, open to Him only, and visited regularly. He meets me there, I can go any time, and answers for every other operating problem are found there. I have to keep that room safely protected and stop bringing any Tom, Dick and Harry to come in there and impart their wisdom. I need to be mindful always of other infected people. Don't you know if you invite a sick person to come in and hang out for any extended period of time, you're probably gonna get sick too?! Duh, this is not rocket science! As I change and grow, I have to keep my protection updated. What protected me yesterday may not be sufficient today as I have grown into new areas. I am careful where I go, who I listen to, what I watch, see, or read. I take in all things through a protective lens. Yes, it is hard work, but it is self-love, and more than worth it.

So, as I am re-building my electronic life on a computer that has been entirely swept clean and re-set, I am reminded that re-setting a life is painful. There is protection against the sexually transmitted diseases that infect the human spirit, and these diseases can take a life just as assuredly as HIV or untreated syphilis. Having an infected body or computer is devastating, having an infected sexuality is devastation.

Photo above found at: http://lordike3.deviantart.com/art/You-Suck-Notice-99394886

Intimacy? Why?

I am having some meandaring thoughts about intimacy-- so bear with me while I try to organize them here! I was thinking about what intimacy is, how it happens, and why we are so reluctant to have it. First of all, intimacy is when two or more people come together and CONNECT. Intimacy can happen between spouses, friends, parent and child, or most any relationship. Each person brings a real self into the moment with the other person who brings a real self. What I mean by this is that I am in touch with my thoughts, feelings, and values, and come into relationship to share them openly, willingly, and honestly. The other person(s) does this as well and a magical thing happens-- intimacy. Intimacy is not enmeshment, which means we come together and I lose myself in whoever I fantasize you to be, and you lose yourself in whoever you fantasize me to be. When we are enmeshed, we lose ourselves in other people. When we are intimate, we bring what we have and ultimately always find more of who we are. In true intimacy, I can say "no" when I need to and can respect the other's "no" as well without falling apart.

Intimacy does not happen without practice. I believe developing the capacity for intimacy is just as crucial as language development. Also, like language, intimacy is best learned at an early age. We can learn intimacy and new languages later in life, but it is always more difficult. Our brains are just primed to get these things very early on! Intimacy begins at birth... the touch, smells, and sounds of our caregivers. We cry and they meet our needs. We explore the world and caregivers look on lovingly and encourage us to try new things. We make mistakes and caregivers may critique, offer advice, or support. In all these ways, and many more, we learn who we are and how to share our budding selves with others without fear.

So if intimacy is all that and a bag of chips, then why the hell are most of us running scared when it comes to getting intimate? Well, fear is always based on fear of loss. Thank you, Dr. Howard Lipke, for giving me this wonderful insight this weekend! The fear can be a loss that already happened and fear wards off the sadness and grief of the past loss. If you experienced true intimacy with someone, then lost that person, being intimate with another can trigger those painful feelings of loss. The other type of fear of loss, is fear of a future loss. For example, we may fear that if I become intimate with you, then I will lose myself. Often adults who experienced physical and/or emotional abandonment as children fear intimacy for this reason. They fear that if they share who they really are, then you will not want to be with me anymore and leave, just like others have before.

Love addicts have often experienced both enmeshment and abandonment. In their world, these are the only two options. The love addict experiences enmeshment as a wonderful union, a supernatural connection, when the addict is truly FOUND in the other person. The love addict is able to experience a self through the eyes of the other person. This is terribly exhausting for the object of the love addict's affection.

The love avoidant often fears intimacy due to strong fears of potential abandonment. The love avoidant ultimately wants to be admired and maintain a sense of control. Love avoidants will pursue a love addict (who often appears in distress and in need of a hero). The love avoidant comes onto the scene, saves the day, then wants to bask in his/her bravado. When the love addict begins to actually seek identity through the love avoidant, the avoidant fears that intimacy may be approaching and intimacy means you will see I am really not a supernatural savior. True intimacy could also mean that you see the real me and abandon me, as others have before. Thus, the love avoidant does what avoidants do best... well, avoid! Run! This sends the addict into a desperate chase, which only makes the avoidant run harder. You see the pattern.

Another barrier to true intimacy is that many people are completely out of touch with their own thoughts, feelings, and values, and therefore, cannot possibly share them with someone else. How can I bring anything to the table, when I have no clue what is in my pantry? This is true for both addicts and avoidants, and why the first step to any recovery is development of a self. I guess what I am realizing then is that true intimacy always happens first with self and Higher Power before it happens elsewhere... what a concept. Sometimes meandering takes us to nice places.

Photo above found at:
http://millesime.deviantart.com/art/Two-Women-3-32709018

Sex and Love Addiction, Part 1

We are a society riddled with addictions. We battle drug and alcohol addictions, gambling, and honor those who work themselves into the ground. An addiction is any substance or set of behaviors that, if continued, create bodily and emotional damage to the user. Despite the possibility of losing friends, loved ones, our hold on sanity, and perhaps our very lives or dignity, we are powerless to stop the behavior on our own. I believe the most overlooked and prevalent addiction of them all is sex and love addiction. We as a culture are consumed so deeply with our own sex and love addiction that we are oblivious to the manifestations of this disease that permeate our lives. Evidence of this can be heard in nearly every song on the radio, television and movie characters, and yes, even sometimes in the ways in which our nation runs to the rescue of others while our own children do without.

With every addiction, there is a complex dance of seratonin and dopamine that weave their magical potent effects on the brain. Some drugs or behaviors enhance seratonin (which creates a sense of peace and well-being), while others may have a greater effect on dopamine (which creates the craving/longing, the "rush"). It is when a drug or set of behaviors can create both the craving/longing---> the high ---> then the ahhhhh, contentment afterward-- this is the perfect storm for addiction. The neural and chemical atmosphere of the brain literally begins to shift and mold in an effort to maintain this cycle of craving, high, contentment. With each cycle, the addiction grows stronger. This means the craving reaches intense peaks but the high and contentment afterward get shorter... thus, more drug needed!

In sex and love addiction, the craving is the strong desire to be loved, needed, adored, or desired. This craving is satisfied through "acting out behaviors" that often involve fantasy. For example, an individual has an ideal other that is sexy, desirable, nurturing, perfect and this fantasy other is projected onto the unsuspecting person who just walked into the room. Ahhh, love is born. The high involves some sense of attaining the other person. This may be through having them come to your house every night, hours of phone conversation, sex without knowing the person, or any combination of behaviors.

Yes, we all engage in these kinds of behaviors when we first meet someone and feel that goo goo ga ga in the early stages of love. The difference with an addict is that he/she is unable to maintain a relationship without this constant high and feeling of attainment of the other. Once the high wears off, which could be days or years, the addict will continue the dance with someone else. Generally, as sex and love addiction grows, addicts lose the high with a partner very quickly and will move from one relationship to another recreating the longing, the attainment-rush, and brief contentment afterward. Later in the disease, many sex and love addicts pursue multiple partners at a time, may have sex with people they hardly know, and idealize the partner then grow angry and bored when the partner can no longer keep up the fantasy.

Sex and love addiction is not to be minimized. It is a deadly disease that can lead to the loss of dignity, self, and life. This addiction drives people to engage in behaviors that are dangerous or place the addict at risk of harm or trouble with the law. In order to maintain the self-debasing behaviors of the dance, the addict may increase use of other substances to be able to continue, such as drugs or alcohol. An example of this is the woman whose sex and love addiction, over the course of years, leads her into a lifestyle of prostitution. She may wake up one day, realize this is not what she signed up for and that it no longer feels good. The problem is she can't stop and must self-medicate with other drugs to continue the cycle. Another example is the man who has a wife and children at home but cannot stop his frequent visits to the prostitute. His behavior may have begun with a handful of extra-marital affairs and in an effort to intensify the high, his behavior escalated to prostitutes. He now needs a boost of Johnnie Walker himself to maintain the behavior for which he is ashamed but unable to stop.

One of the hallmarks of sex and love addiction is having an unrealistic view of what true intimacy really looks like. Typically love addicts have an intense often subconscious fear of true intimacy. True intimacy is sharing the reality of yourself with your partner, flaws and all, and open to receiving the reality of who your partner is, flaws and all. Most sex and love addicts tend to err on either extreme of enmeshment or detachment. The love addict who enmeshes with a partner has difficulty determining where they end and the partner begins. They are "one," they need the other person's attention to feel as if they have a valid self. They cannot accept the other person's need for individuality and would prefer to fuse together with the fantasy of creating one whole self. The other extreme seen in sex and love addiction is detachment. This is the tricky type because these addicts actually appear aloof. Their fear of intimacy is much more apparent as they literally go from one room to another trying to avoid the partner. They are uncomfortable with conversation that may require them to share something about themselves and have the persistent fear that they may be swallowed whole by the partner if they don't keep up the guard. The addiction is that they need to be persistently chased. They do not want enmeshment nor do they want the pursuer to leave. The message of this type of addict is "go away but please don't leave me." They avoid intimacy yet will panic if the partner threatens to leave. This type of addict can be very seductive in an effort to draw the partner back in.

In my next post, I hope to explain more about withdrawal and the recovery process for sex and love addicts.

How to Love a Girl, Part 3

http://saiyagina.deviantart.com/art/After-the-Rain-88597953

So I suppose by this time some of you are wondering, "Ok, well, how DO you love a girl?" I'm actually going to try my best to answer that with all the specifics you will need.

First of all, I am going to assume that you are trying to love a girl who has a Daddy Hole, as I believe the majority of women do, whether they want to admit it or not. Let me say this to you plainly, and listen close, "YOU CANNOT EVER GIVE A GIRL WITH A DADDY HOLE ALL THE LOVE SHE NEEDS." You will give, give, and give until your giver is give out and she still will not be satisfied. The emptiness within her was never meant to be filled by you. A basic developmental need and milestone did not get met, and, at this point, can only be healed through her Higher Power. You can also forget trying to explain this to her, as it will not be received (unless she is already aware of her own emptiness and dependency on you).

If you are committed to loving her nonetheless, bravo to you. If you married her and only later realized she has a Daddy Hole, well, hang in there. Here is how I propose you love her. Just be patient, first and foremost. Do not take abuse from her, but also behave toward her from a stance of compassion-- understanding the pain of the wounded girl on the inside. Refuse to give in to her tantrums and childish demands. Yes, you will anger her, but you are teaching her to take responsibility for her own needs. If you continue to jump at her every demand, she maintains the dependency of a child and hinges her happiness on you and what you can do for her. Set limits with love. This means when you have to tell her "no," that you communicate it in a way that lets her know your no is a good for you both. Say what you mean, mean what you say, and don't say it mean.

You may do all these things and find that the woman you are trying to love has such relational defecits, she is incapable of true intimacy. You may begin to realize she is not aware of her own Daddy Hole nor is she interested in learning about all the baggage she brings to the relationship. This should be a red flag. Hang in there as long as you can or as long as you are willing, and do not feel guilty should the time come when you have to detach from her to save yourself-- this, too, is how to love a girl.

How To Love a Girl, Part 1

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As a therapist, one thing for me that is interesting and sometimes difficult to observe is the development of lonely people. Because I work with both adolescents and adults, I get to see the formative years of a lonely, love-craving child and the end result-- the lonely, love-craving adult. The kids I work with help to keep me young and fresh. They remind me of those painful and adventurous years of adolescence. There is a song I really love by Beyonce, If I Were a Boy. I believe this song poignantly pens the difficulty of growing up and acceptance.

I'll begin with some basic definitions. The first term I want to define is Daddy Hole.

Daddy Hole: the giant empty space inside a girl or woman created by the absence of a father's love, presence, nurturing, and unconditional acceptance. This hole is painful enough to often drive the girl/woman to persistent and irrational acts in an attempt to fill the hole and end its aching.

Here is the second important term you need to know: Just a Boy

Just a Boy: a boy or man who has yet to learn how to love outside of himself; a boy/man who unknowingly and unintentionally hurts others due to his inability to consider other people besides himself.

You may see where this is going, dear readers. Allow me to make formal introductions here. Daddy Hole, meet Just a Boy... and this is how the romance begins. I see it so many times and have had the unfortunate experience of meeting a few boys myself! The Daddy Hole is so large, never-ending, and painful. Any girl who carries this can do nothing else but seek to fill it or at least put enough in it to stop the incessant crying and howling of the hole. This type of hunger and desperation often magnetically connects with Just a Boy characters. Just a Boy wants to do his own thing and feel good. Life for him is all about the pleasure it brings to him. He wants to enjoy himself 24/7 and though he may be an intelligent and kind person, he cannot live above his own true nature-- self-service. This is not to say he is heartless, and often Just a Boy feels a bit grieved when he knows he has hurt someone. This grief, however, is usually short-lived and quickly forgotten as he moves on into the fun that is his life. Only girls who carry a Daddy Hole will try to make things work with Just a Boy.

One day, however, when the planets are aligned and the molecules of faith are buzzing at the right pitch, the girl who carries a Daddy Hole is illuminated. Within the light of this illumination she is given a brief glimpse of her Daddy Hole, her desperate behavior, and the end result of her own life should the behavior continue. I have to believe Beyonce wrote her song while in this illumination. It is from here where a girl reaches painful acceptance-- you, Just a Boy, will never make this pain go away, you will never get it. She is forced by what bit of self-respect remains to let a loser go and begin walking the walk.

I live for the moments when I have watched a girl or an adult woman really begin to grow up. I had such a moment yesterday when my client told me she finally dumped a selfish, abusive boyfriend. After another tirade of abuse from him, he concluded his verbal assault with, "... and you know you're always gonna be my girl." Her heartfelt, genuine reply to him, after years of this BS was, "I'm NOT your girl. Hello, I'm done with you! You just keep running your mouth and you're about to find out what's really behind this pretty face."

Although these moments are triumphant and empowering, this girl still goes home alone. Sometimes the life of self-respect and living with dignity is a hard row to hoe. There are nights you will be alone. There are nights you will cry for Just a Boy, slipping into the old fantasy world of "maybe this time things will be different." When you've grown up, Sister Girl, you don't go back, because now you're a woman and he's, well, Just a Boy.