Complacency and Perception

I wonder if at times we don't get too comfortable in our own shoes. We just "ride" through life day by day by day and just do those things we need to "just get by." Sure every once in awhile something comes along and changes things up a bit, new job, going back to school, babies being born, car trouble, failing a test, missing important obligations. All things warranting the term interruption to our complacency, but for the most part doable.... so long as they don't all happen at once. Not to say they won't, but individually they are manageable.

While I don't wish losing a child on anyone, it has put a stop to my "complacency" in life, thrown me out of the drivers seat and into a ditch on the side of the road. I have a renewed desire to do what is right. I have a renewed desire to please my Father in Heaven. I have a renewed desire to never forget those principles and doctrines I have been taught and to share them with others. I have a renewed desire because the Lord's promises are sure and I want to be there to raise my son when the time comes.

I went to "Fish" class for work, nothing short of boring (sorry to my fellow coworkers and managers) but I did take one thing from it and I guess that is really all I can hope for at this point. The educator said, "It is all about our perception." She gave traffic as an example. For her, that is the change of attitude for her in the day. When she misses her "window of opportunity" to get to work in just the right amount of time, she ends up sitting in horrible traffic, resulting in a sour mood.

Another colleague of her has to drive almost two times as far and enjoys every minute of it. She has young children and practically jumps in the car to get some peace and quiet or listen to a book on tape or her own CD and not Barney or the Wiggles. It is her time to and from work to get ready to go to work and then to detox.

These two women have two very different perceptions of traffic. I guess that is kind of like the perception of losing a child. The way I see it, I can travel down two different roads. I can travel down the road less traveled, kick up my heels, and put my shoulder to the wheel OR I can crawl into a hole of darkness and pity and feel sorry for myself (with good reason) for the rest of my life or even just a few years. But then what good would that do me? What good does it do to hide from our trials or cower when something "hard" comes our way? It doesn't. We only feel more pity and loneliness than we did before.... or maybe not. Hopefully I have chosen the road less traveled although some days I take a detour into the hole, but I eventually come out.

Season Premieres

So I just finished watching the Grey's Anatomy season Premiere. It was ok at best. Not enough openings of storylines and a few really bad ones (mainly Callie and Hahn.... ugh!!!). Yet I still watch pondering 'Will Meredith and McDreamy work it out?' 'Will Izzy seriously get over herself and move on?' 'Will Korev forever remain a jerk... come on if he and Izzy would just hook up, it would be soooo much better.' The whole show is just a waste of time and I walk away very frustrated, wish I could just rent season 5 right now and watch them all at once.

Well aside from needing an excuse to post a hot sexy picture of McDreamy on my website.... I have been thinking about the next "Season" of my life. As it cools down and the nights get longer, it means that "Fall" or whatever we call it here in AZ is approaching, followed by "Winter" which is seriously OVERRATED :), but nice and cooly enjoyable here, I contemplate.

What new story lines will I create? How will I manage the holidays without Daxton? How will I manage after the holidays when I have a new baby? Should I go back to school? Should I keep working? What goals do I want to set?

Each season in our lives are different. Each choice we make leads to consequences, good or bad. Each day brings new challenges. I don't know how I will answer each of these questions. I don't know how I will make it through the next year. There will be tough moments, there will be sad moments. But there will also be moments of intense joy. There will be new memories to be made, new goals to set, new beginnings, and a new "normal."

Only One

In the NICU, we have many babies; some are viable and thrive and we send them home, others are not so lucky. It is always hard when we have a set of twins, one lives and one doesn't. We often wonder why this is so? Why would one be able to stay over the other? Why can't they both go or both stay?

Before Daxton passed away, I would have said that the mom who only takes home one twin should count her blessings that she at least gets to take home one of her babies, instead of both. However, now I see things differently. Each time that mother sees the living twin, she will think of the one she didn't take home. Each time she looks into that child's eyes, she will see a healthy baby, but she will also see the healthy baby she never brought home. Her heart will ache daily for the loss and hopefully rejoice for the life that she was able to keep. I pray for that mom that she will be able to deal with that heartache. It seems so unfair, yet it is God's will. She will have to leave one twin behind and take the other one home.

This summer God has called a lot of children home. I wonder what sort of missions each child is supposed to serve in Heaven. I hope their cause is great and that there is much rejoicing in their return. Even while I remain here with empty arms and an aching heart, it brings me comfort to know that when Daxton passed, my Savior was there to gather him in His arms and welcome him home.

Each day I pray I will have the strength to endure one more day without Daxton. That I will be able to get out of bed and do the daily "mundane" things of life. I pray to my Father in Heaven like I never have before to help me through the heartache, to appreciate not only the life taken, but also the life that remains here and will continue to join our family. My girls frustrate me sometimes, but most of the time they bring me joy. Amidst the sorrow, this is the joy I try carry.

Little Mothers

Do you ever look at your children and see yourself? Do you ever look at your children and ask what they will become? If you can raise them just like you (or perhaps NOT like you?) Do you ever wonder how they will turn out? Do you wonder about the heartache and tragedy that they might endure in their lifetime and how it will effect them?

My girls have experienced more in there little 5 and 6 years that I ever did at their age. They have made more trips on an airplane than I did before I went to college. They have put me through school in their short life. They have been on more dates with "the family" than I ever did with my own. We have been to more places (granted not that many) than I did before I was 18. My little girls have experienced more loss in their short lifetime that I ever did when I was there age.

I think sometimes Mikenna wanders the house just like me. She wanders to find the brother she will never see on this earth. She makes comments like, "Mom when Daxton comes back from Heaven....." followed by something she will do with him. Today we saw some friends at the store and Mikenna said, "Mom, I wish Lincoln could spend the whole day with us." I know she longs for her baby brother. He was her shadow and she was his leader.

Savannah goes into Daxton's old room and puts on his clothes (yes she fits into them and no I still haven't put them away). I think this is how she tells me she misses him too. They pray each night that he will be safe in Heaven and that he will know that we love him.

Today we were at the store and I saw this poor mom struggling with her 3 little kids. Two of them babies 3 and 4 months old. One was crying, she was holding one who wasn't crying and the 3 year old had no idea how to help her. I reached out to the mom to help her and asked if I could help her. I am sure she thought I was nuts. I would have held them tighter if I was her too. :) Not one of my smarter or finer moments.

Funny things kids say

The other day Mikenna (remember she is 5 AND in early learners) came home from school and said, "Mommy, I have a boyfriend."

I calmly and nonchalantly replied, "Oh, who?"

To which she responds, "Collin, and he is Hannah's boyfriend too,"

I said, "Well, I guess if you have to have a boyfriend at this age, there is no one I would rather have be your boyfriend than Collin."

Savannah's bus driver calls her "Savannah why" because she is always asking "why, why, why, why, why?" So today she was in grandpa's room and he was saying "why, why, why" to her.... she was getting pretty frustrated (as you can imagine) and came out and said, "Not only is it 'Savannah' why, but it is 'Grandpa why' too." LOL

One more. Savannah's FAVORITE thing to do besides say "hi" to "sister" Bienz (*who is actually brother Bienz, but I don't bother fixing it because EVERYONE knows who she is talking about) is checking the mail. Well, when Papa gets home, Savannah follows him around the house until he takes her, Mikenna, and Todd (the dog) to check the mail. Today was no different.

I walk in on her with her head on grandpa's arm (whilst he is trying to type a VERY important email), looking up at him with her big brown eyes, "Please Papa, checka da mail? Please oh Please!!!??"

And then she lays it on thick and gives him a whopping kiss. Well he dropped his VERY important email and went to check the mail with his 'Savannah why.' It seriously made her day.

Ok I lied. One more. Mikenna was asking me where grandma was and she has a habit of answering in her head what she wants me to say (this is very troublesome because I seldom get it right). So I turned the question back on her, Where is grandma? To which she replies, "She is at work, at Costco, or buying me something...."

That girl I swear. Funny though, she is RIGHT ON!!!!

So one more and really this time. My friend told her little girl that she would see Daxton again when Jesus came. For the next week she woke up each morning asking, "Is Jesus coming today?" Oh the innocence of little children.

I am grateful

I need an I am grateful post. I walk around my house completely lost sometimes without my little Daxton in tow. I go to church and see all the cutest little boys (not so much girls :)) and I just wish I could scoop them in my arms and it would be Daxton. Walking through my house with all the pictures and reminders of him everywhere, sometimes I just want to rip them from my walls and smash them on the floor (I know really adult of me), but it is kind of painful on those hard days. All I see is what I have lost.

SO.... I have a new mantra "Someday..... just not now." Someday I will see my little boy again, just not now. Someday I will raise my little boy, just not now. Someday my heart will be whole again, just not now. "Someday.... just not now."

So, today I am grateful for what I have. I am grateful for my girls. I was talking to a friend at church today and said, "You know, I hate the question, 'How are you?' People are generally VERY sincere when they ask this question, I know, I have been on the other side, but what I really want to say is, 'Well, I cried myself to sleep last night and I am here today,' but I just say, 'Fine, and you?'" She told me that I was "strong." I told her it was all pretend. She said no, if you were just pretending you would be in bed right now. Which leads me back to being grateful for my girls. Savannah helps me to get up in the morning. She is always good for a laugh.

Today in Primary, the Primary President was getting a little teary and Savannah pipes in saying, "Why are you crying? Be happy! It's ok." How can you not just smile at her innocence. She is sometimes my breath of fresh air and sometimes my biggest frustration. Mikenna always runs up to me and gives me a big hug and a smile and says Hi Mommy!!!! It just makes my day.

I didn't post this of the lunch with Grandpa. The girls had a ball!!!!

I am grateful for Doug. He is my rock. He keeps me on solid ground. He keeps my perspective in check. I love him and am so grateful for him.

"Choosing" Trials

I recently read on a blog that we "choose" our trials before we come to this earth from Heaven. I am not so sure that I necessarily agree with this. Ok I actually disagree with this. I am sure that nobody up in Heaven said... "OK here is a list of all the trials known to man, go ahead and pick 20." No thanks, but if I have my way, I am refusing to participate in this activity.

While I have pondered why we are given the trials in our lives and if we have "chosen" them before we came to earth, I remember a conversation I had with Doug a few weeks after Daxton died. I had been thinking why in the world this had happened, if I had agreed to this trial, and if I actually had agreed to lose a child, what in the world was I thinking???!!!! Doug simply explained that when we had agreed to return our son back to our Father in Heaven, we had an eternal and perfect understanding of the Plan of Salvation. We knew then that it wouldn't be very long before we saw him again.

Back to selecting our trials. Our Father knows each of us individually. I can't explain why children all over the world are sent to families who will never be able to give them what they need, while some families are not given any or some of those are taken away. Father in Heaven knows what we need. I think that before we came to earth, He had already figured out the challenges, trials, and tribulations we would have in order to help us to grow to our full potential.

These trials that may or may not have been "preselected" if you will do not include those that we bring upon ourselves through our own free agency. If we choose to not follow the commandments of God, then the consequences we may suffer are due to our own free will and choice. We bring the consequences of our actions upon ourselves. These consequences may result in more trials, heartache, and sorrow than we initially may have agreed to.

I know our Father in Heaven is mindful of each of us. He knows what we need to learn and grow. He knows what we need to grow closer to Him and to his gospel. He knows our questions, thoughts, and what our hearts desire. If we turn to Him and His perfect knowledge and Gospel, in our times of need, He will help us to make it through each day.

PS: Maybe if a big pot of trials were placed in front of me, I would have picked my own, but it certainly wouldn't have been this one, or many of the other trials I have faced :)

My little Missionary

I have not actually thought about this until just now. I know that other moms who have lost their children have felt that their children are missionaries with them, but until today I haven't realized what effect Daxton's story has had on so many.

Many of my friends have shared stories with me about how somebody they knew had either started asking questions about the gospel, started coming back to church, or just renewing their Faith in God. I am glad that Daxton can be a missionary both on earth and in Heaven. I am glad that he has been able to share the gospel through me. I am glad to be the vessel in which his message is carried. I feel him near me. I know that he comforts me in those moments of such sorrow.

When I hear of these missionary experiences, I realize that without the passing of my son, so many may not have been blessed with renewed testimonies or not thought about life after death or many other questions for them may not have been answered.

I am genuinely happy that his story has touched so many lives. It helps me in my grief and times of sorrow. If good can come out of this tragedy that has happened in my life, then I must say that each day it will be easier to get out of bed and carry on just one more day.

Baby Blues - Thanks Lyndy!!

Thanks to Doug for putting together this video! Thanks to Lyndy for your talent. By popular demand, here it is, music and all (You'll need to stop the playlist music at the bottom of the blog).

Beautiful Blues

My dear and VERY talented cousin sent me this song and I wanted to share it with you all.

Beautiful Blues
For Brittany and Daxton
By Lyndy R. Butler

Heavenly Family, Hear my prayer.
Father and Brother, Let me know you’re there.
I know that you understand the pain I’m going through.
Please, will you - Help me now?

So many questions fill my mind.
But no one can answer them in this lifetime.
All we know is that the Savior calls his children home
In times he needs them most.

Your time on this Earth was short,
Angel-child of mine.
And now I must Trust in the Lord
And His Great Design.
How I long for the day when I’ll hear you say,
“Momma, I missed you,” and I’ll look into…
Your Beautiful Blues.

So now as I start each day, down on bended knee
I’ll thank my Father for my Forever Family.
And ask, “Please give me the strength, Show me the way
To put my shoulder back on the wheel and Push, Push Along.”

Your time on this Earth was short,
Angel-child of mine.
And now I must Trust in the Lord
And His Great Design.
How I long for the day when I’ll hear you say,
“Momma, I missed you,” and I’ll look into…
Your Beautiful Blues.

You have a family here on Earth. They are so good to me.
We’ll get to share our lives together, Through all Eternity.
For there will come a time, when from His arms to mine
You’ll return to my embrace…and I’ll see that face,
And Those Beautiful Blues.

My dad is the SHIZ!!!

Yesterday at school for Savannah, they had a 9/11 day lunch for all police officers, service men, and firemen. Savannah called Grandpa to see if he would join us as her guest police officer. She was soooo excited to have him come to lunch with her and equally excited I told her she could eat lunch in the cafeteria.

She looked forward all week to when Grandpa would come to her school and told all the kids, teachers, and bus drivers who would listen that her Papa was coming to school with her to have lunch.

We (me and Mikenna) went to the school and waited in the office for Grandpa to come and along comes Savannah so excited she just might pee her pants (so she ran to the nurse's office to go potty) when Grandpa walked in the door. IN FULL UNIFORM!!!! Savannah just gawked at him for a moment, trying to figure out who he was and if he really was Grandpa. Then she gave him a big hug (I think) and ran us to the lunch room.

She ran through the line and had already selected her lunch before I could get my money out. Mikenna thought she was pretty hot stuff as well :). Then we went and sat down at the tables by Savannah's class and she chatted (ok not so much, she was too busy stuffing herself). All the little kids were in awe that a real live police man was in their midst. They asked him all sorts of questions and just looked at him with big googly eyes.

It was seriously SO cool. I am so grateful for him and for all that he does and that he made Savannah's day and all the other little kid's day.

Live Laugh Love RUN!!!!

Live: Some days it is hard to get out of bed. Last night I had a dream and Daxton was in it. We were going on a hike with some cousins. I had been gone all day and thought that I just wanted to get home to my baby. So I packed my bags and off to home I went. He was there waiting for me, arms open wide. And then I woke up.

I need to constantly remind myself (not that I forget) that I have 2 little girls, one on the way, and a husband that still need me. I am trying to daily live in the present, to cherish my kids a little more. I have been a "bad" mom and didn't get Mikenna's homework out all week. Her teacher called and asked if I knew they were sending homework home.... hmmm nothing like getting into "trouble" with the teacher :).

So I daily tell myself to live in the present. The eternal will come, just live in the present.

Laugh: Whenever I need a good laugh, I just hang out with Savannah. She gets on the bus every morning and I get on with her to help her and to see her off. She points to the door and says, "OUT!" So I go. Then when she gets home from the bus and off of it, she turns to the bus driver and says, "Why Why Why Why Why." The bus driver calls her "Savannah why," because if you let her she will ask "Why?" up to 7 times before her curiousity is satisfied. It is quite humorous :).

Love: Love every day. Love your kids. Love your Husband. The only thing for certain is the present. Live in the present. Love in the present. Our loved ones or ourselves could be taken at any moment.

RUN: I went on a run this morning and maybe that is the reason for the euphoria around me. I LOVE TO RUN!!! Of course now running at 20 weeks pregnant isn't all the comfortable and I am slow (just ask my former running partner LOL) when I am pregnant. I am grateful for the patience of those I run with. All the start and stop makes ME crazy. I can only imagine how they feel....

Also, nothing burns such great calories or hurts so good when you are through, unless you have crappy shoes (like me lately) and then your feet hurt bad.

LIVE LAUGH LOVE RUN!!!!

Pieces

PS no sugar coating tonight....

Today I got the most beautiful hand and foot molds of my baby. It was quite a site when we were at the mortuary with 3-4 of us holding Daxton's body steady while we captured these last few mementos of him.

I carefully and strategically placed them on the shelf where they would not be bothered and took all the care in the world for them not to get broken. They are in a glass shadow box, the hand and foot mold. Well we were making a big deal about them and mom came over to see them, my sister came over to see them. I proudly showed them to Doug. A tiny oversight was Savannah. She wanted to see them too.

Problem is she got the lid off the shadow box (without breaking it) and then the hand mold fell to the ground and shattered. She immediately started saying sorry sorry sorry.... all I saw were the pieces of my baby's hand mold shattered on the ground. I screamed. Then I yelled at Savannah to get to her room (she is quite lucky that something or someone was holding me back from really losing my temper) and she sorrowfully went onto her bed. I threw an adult size temper tantrum, shutting myself in my room and just screaming and crying into my hands and a sweatshirt to muffle the sobs.

I know they are just things and Savannah I think felt really bad, but it was almost like losing Daxton again. The one piece I had of him was shattered to bits on the floor. My perfect little baby no longer in my arms, broken. The pieces left from the hand mold were scattered all over the floor, just like the pieces of my life right now. I tried to glue the hand mold back together. It certainly doesn't look the same, but it is symbolic of my reality. I am trying to fit myself back into the life that I "used" to have and somehow it just doesn't fit quite right.

And so it is, I have to take the "new" pieced together hand mold and my "new" pieced together reality and form new realities and new memories.

After a long work out at the gym, I am feeling a little better. Nothing like burning some calories and shedding some anger to bring you down from a temper tantrum. It is the best therapy I can come up with. I am grateful my body still allows me to do such activities.

Roller Coaster

In September of 2007, I had just barely found out I was pregnant with Daxton. We also had planned a trip to Disneyland (good thing I wasn't showing) and I was taking the girls, my brother Daniel and my very good friend Kami. It was a blast!!!! The girls had fun. We met Granny and Grandpa Kunz and the boys there. Of course, we hit the beach and I was a basket case trying to keep the kids from getting to close to the water.

Savannah was filling her swim suit with sand and Mikenna of course was telling on her. I think she even wandered off on this trip and went begging for food. Talk about a heart attack I was having. Well we promptly left after that to go back to the hotel and get something to eat....

I have a little secret for those of you who go to Disneyland. Yes the Flex pass of whatever it is called is a good way to roll, but if you really want to hit some rides over at California Adventure, the best time to go is about 9pm. It closes at 10pm, but EVERYONE is going over to Disneyland for the fireworks show. And I mean EVERYONE... ok not everyone, because Kami and I flew over there in a rush and no kidding rode almost all the rides at least 4 times in about 45 minutes. It was seriously awesome.

The ride that is in the hotel and it falls like a million stories and goes back up and back down really fast. No idea what it is called, but it was SUPER fun and what a RUSH!!! I am not typically a daredevil so to speak so it was shocking!!! We also visited the roller coaster with its ups and downs and upside downs. Talk about seriously disturbing, but we went on it about 5 times and by the 4th time, we were still a little woozy. Even after going 4 times we were still leary of it and hadn't quite got used to it.

That is kind of where I am at these days. I have been on this roller coaster for 12 weeks today. Sometimes I have good days and sometimes I have bad days. Sometimes the good days last 5 days and then I get a slew of bad days. It is very interesting how it all comes together in one big crash. One minute I will be ok and the next.... well I hop on the roller coaster and hope it will eventually stop. As the roller coaster at California Adventure stopped, so the roller coaster of emotions that I ride do as well. I feel a roller coaster is coming on... I always try to post pone them but most of the time it just makes it worse. We will see.

loves to all!!!
PS I love that picture of Daxton. It really captures his smile and baby blues. :)

News from the Kunz's

WOW two posts in one day....

Just wanted to let you all know that I am expecting a baby girl Jan 23rd ish. We actually found out I was pregnant just before Daxton passed away. I was excited because he would have a baby brother to play with and run around and play with, rather than just sisters :). They were going to be soooo close in age, well not that close, but closer than the girls. Now I will have an almost 5 year gap and people who don't know me well will wonder... "hmmm I wonder why the 5 year gap" and then they will ask, and then they will wish they wouldn't have....

While I really thought it was going to be a boy, I was a little shocked to find out it was a girl (maybe they are wrong... but not likely at almost 20 weeks). Who knows, maybe it will come out a boy and the ultrasound tech will have been wrong, of course then imagine all the pink I will have to put away, and so much for painting Daxton's room blue... well we will cross that bridge when we get there, I am rambling.... as usual.

The baby won't be a replacement of Daxton, obviously, but maybe some of the void in my heart will be filled. A baby brings much joy to a family.

Just wanted to let you know why I was gaining HUGE amounts of volume and weight in odd places.

loves

New Beginnings

Lately I have had this thought that sometimes we put too much emphasis on the eternal perspective. Now while I don't agree with it 100 %, I think that there is some truth to it. I believe that everyone interprets different areas of the gospel differently although the doctrines remain the same. It is important for us to have opinions per se so that we may be able to share them with others and give different perspectives.

That being said the eternal perspective sometimes gets a lot of emphasis. But of course it does!!!! It is the reason we are here. It is the reason I get up in the morning, otherwise I would lay in bed and feel sorry for myself because of ALL THE TRIALS I have been dealt. (blah blah blah) Without this goal to look forward to or to have in store, there would be no purpose for me here on earth, right? I need the eternal perspective. I cling to the eternal perspective. It is what helps me to know that I will be able to live with and raise Daxton again. I NEED that. I have to have that.

Everyone needs a goal, something to work towards, otherwise we would wander aimlessly from point A to point B and seriously, where is the fun in that?

A while back I posted on "what I was looking forward to." It was a question posed to me my a friend. My response was nothing, I am glad for the now. I am not wishing my days away to some event or holiday.... at least not right then. I was just glad that I had 3 beautiful children and I could eat them all up every day and see the things that they were learning and learn with them. It was a "happy time" (LOL). What I didn't realize at that time was that the Lord was helping me to enjoy each moment with my precious Daxton so that I wouldn't have any regrets from "wishing away the time."

This is a frequent occurrence in my life. When I was in school, I wished away the time I would be finished. Whenever I was pregnant, I would wish away the time until I wasn't anymore. If we had a fun trip planned, I would wish away the time until that trip. Heck, I wish away the time until bed time when I have a little bit of peace of peace and quiet (funny since I only see the girls like 4 hours a day, how selfish is that?) And I missed all those events in between by wishing the days away.

Lately I have found myself going through the day to day wishing away the time to the eternities where I can see Daxton again. I miss him so much. In the meantime, I have been doing the mundane things of life and not really "enjoying" it. I don't want to miss out on important events in my girls life, just because I am wishing away time, so I have decided to stop and smell the roses, to sit down and play with the girls, to enjoy their birthday parties, their little chatter, and them playing with each other. Time is much more enjoyable this way.

While I find that it is important to have an eternal perspective in order to keep my eye on the goal ahead, I am going to stop and enjoy the here and now. It is the here and now that will determine where I end up in the eternities. It is the here and now I learn what it is Father in Heaven wants me to know.

Friends come and friends go..... but true friends stick around

I have been thinking a lot lately about what a "true" friend is.... this is what I have come up with

A true friend will give you an honest answer
A true friend will stand by your side, even when you are wrong
A true friend will love you through the good and the bad
A true friend will beat you at a game of settlers when you really need to win :)
A true friend will pluck your eyebrows and pop your pimples
A true friend will be a shoulder to cry on when you need it
A true friend will drop what they are doing just to come over and help you with your problem
A true friend knows your faults and still loves you
A true friend comes over to your house and scrubs it when you can't get out of bed
A true friend makes you laugh
A true friend won't make you cry
A true friend won't judge you

I will add more as they come to me.... or you all can help me come up with some.

Time and a Season

Off and on I have thought about going to graduate school. I just don't know what I want to be when I grow up yet. I want to do Neonatal Nurse Practitioner, but I don't know if I am ready to sign my life away to insane hours in the hospital. I would also like to teach, so maybe I could be an NNP who works for a little while and then teaches.... who knows.

Well often as you may know, when you apply to graduate school you go through a series of interviews. One of the questions I imagine them to ask is this:

"What do you do when you are in a situation and it doesn't go as you had planned?"

Seems fairly easy if you keep it general enough. I was sitting at work contemplating what my answer might be. This is what I came up with.

When I am in a situation, I look at all possibilities of what could happen. My knowledge is limited so I look to others are are more experienced than I am, whether they be professors, colleagues, friends, people with similar circumstances, church leaders, etc. I then take that newly acquired information and brainstorm with my own knowledge base.

I then come up with a plan. In order to be successful, I will need to come up with a couple of planes, in case the original leads to a new course along the way. As I proceed with that new plan, I continue to look around me at what has changed. The new plan is a apt to change hourly, daily, yearly, but the goal is always the same: to reach the best possible outcome.

My plan has changed, my situation is different. I have one goal set to accomplish and my route is generally the same. Sometimes different paths are made in order to reach the final destination or goal. At work, my goal is to keep the babies alive and safe. At home my goal is the same oddly enough. Sometimes our babies at work die, sometimes, but not always our babies at home die. We do everything we know how to keep them safe.

At work we suction them, feed them, watch for disease processes, and give them the treatments they need to accomplish the goals in order for them to go home. At home, we teach our children the gospel, how to live righteously, choose the right, and we set an example for them. Sometimes we are not always successful in these goals, but we do the best we can with what we have.

My life situation isn't what I planned for. I have to make a new plan, I have to go on. I think that we are given challenges to make us stronger to teach us to be better nurses, mothers, and better people altogether. In order to do this, we need to surround ourselves with people who are more knowledgeable so that we can learn from them. We need to have teamwork and collaboration with those we are working with; spouses, friends, neighbors, colleagues, etc.

As our knowledge and experience grows, we need to share with others what we have learned through our life experiences. I love my baby. I miss him so much, and I hope that some of my life experiences will me to learn and grow and help others to do the same.

loves