I think your blog would be better if you posted pictures of cats with amusing captions

Courtesy of the new camera from my parents, which is supposed to be used for pictures of their granddaughter.

Iraqi Democracy

After years in the making...and billions of dollars...you can stop laughing, because it’s really almost here—and this time we mean it.

Iraqi Democracy, the new highly anticipated album from Guns 'N' Butter.

The heaviest, densest, most inaccessible production yet from the group that brought you Appetite for Obstruction and Abuse Your Delusions, this ambitious concept album tells the story of a man who brings the light of freedom to a land of darkness through conquest, capitalism, and Christ.

Anchored by the simple, repetitive riffs of rhythm guitarist Turd Blossimin' (who wrote most of the tracks), Iraqi Democracy delivers the sound patriots love and that freedom haters hate. Lead guitarist Condi spins her slithery, improvised solos where notes double back and often contradict each other. Bassist Richard "Dick" Cheney fires off heart-stopping runs that rise from the bowels of Hell and blast you in the face of your soul. Drummer (and sadly, former member) Rummy Rumsfeld obliterates the skins like they were requests for body armor. And above it all, singer W. Ahole Bush delivers his trademark brand of double-talkin' jive that is the scatting of the Apocalypse.

So turn up your radio loud enough for the NSA to hear and torture your neighbors until they confess to being a sleeper cell. Because when this band’s a rockin’, freedom won’t come a knockin’.

Tracks...
1) Patience
2) Sweet Oil O' Mine
3) Welcome to the Bungle
4) (The Media’s) Out Ta Get Me
5) It’s So Easy (Not)
6) Civil War (Stopping Calling It That)
7) Samarra City
8) Rocket PG
9) Mr. Green Zone
10) November Prayin’
11) Patience (Reprise)
12) You Woulda Coulda Shoulda Been Mine

Produced by Paul “Cry Wolf” Wolfowitz and Ahmad “The Mad Arab” Chalabi. Engineered by George “Slam Dunk” Tenent. Recorded in Scari-O.


Advance praise for Iraqi Democracy...

“It’s everything we hoped it would be. All the hard work, money, and sacrifice has paid off. A masterpiece of design, executed flawlessly. Only a traitor would hate this record.” —Spin

“Ambitious and daring, Iraqi Democracy sets the standard for all other works in the genre. Every bent note and distorted tone form a brick in the ‘Wall of Hubris’ sound. Essential.” —Geopolitics for the Practicing Neocon

“The aggressive, commanding first half is complemented by the more humble, yet equally powerful second half. Every perfect note rings true on this fair and balanced recording.” —Fox News

“This is not music for candy asses, carpet munchers, ragheads, Deadheads, traitors or haters. It's music for people who believe in American family values.” —Ann Coulter

“The greatest album ever to be in the current process of being presumably finished at some point.” —Tony Snow

“Like Cheetos for my ears” - Jonah Goldberg, The National Review

Coming tomorrow next week next month a few months from now at the end of the year next year next election next decade when pigs fly when the Iraqi Air Force flies soon.

A Million Little Reese's Pieces

The shocking, new, totally true memoir from E.T., the Extra Terrestrial.

"Much more honest than any other best-selling memoir you’ll read this year!" Kirkus

"I believed every word of it!" Judith Miller, The New York Times

"I laughed and I cried, so it must be real." Oprah Winfrey

"Now we know the real story behind the Spielbergian cover story." Oliver Stone.

$24.95
Published by Double Day of Reckoning Press

This harrowing tale of addiction, friendship, redemption, and interstellar travel begins with a groggy E.T. waking up in a military lab, not knowing where he is, where he is going, or even what he is doing on this strange planet. All he knows are three things: that he is an Alcoholic, a chocolate and peanut butter Addict, and an Alien. Through the extraordinary friendship of two children and his own inhuman ability to conquer his demons, E.T. manages to not only "phone home," but dial straight into our hearts.

Excerpt

I wake to the drone of oxygen being pumped into my bubble and feeling something warm dribbling down my chin. I lift a hand to my face. My finger won’t glow, my skin is gray, my ass feels like it had a scientific convention inside it, and my bulbous eyes are swollen shut. I open them and I look around and I’m in some kind of Hospital or Lab. I’m covered in a colorful mixture of malt liquor, peanut butter, chocolate, and formaldehyde. There’s a pair of kids standing next to me. Blonde girl. Cute. Lispy. Boy. Brown hair. Whiny. Earnest, but kind of a pussy.
Where fuck is E.T.?
You’re in a military hospital.
How E.T. get here?
A doctor and a bunch of men in scary costumes brought you here.
Ohhhh.
We have to get you out of here!
Nowwww?
Yes, before they come for you. We have to get you home!
Home. Now I remember. Phone home. Speak and Spell. Texas Instruments. Mom and Dad.
I try and stand. My legs give. It’s a short trip to the floor.
What’s the matter?
E.T. no walk.
Come on, just get to the flap.
Flaaap?
Over there.
Far. E.T. no can do.
Lispy girl reaches into her pink My Little Pony backpack. Pulls out a flask. I drink.
Mmmm, Beam.
The whiskey burn takes the express to my stomach. Gray skin turns brown. My stomach glows. More Beam, more glow. I’ve got a bellybutton lantern going. My finger lights up like an inmate’s last cigarette.
I make it to the tent flap. Whiny kid gets his bike, lifts me into the basket. He hoists and I hurl over the side, just a little bile.
Bye-bye, E.T., Lispy Girl says. She takes a swig of the flask.
Bye-bye. E.T. come back when you 18.
Whiny kid peddles like a champ, like he’s Lance Armstrong. I’d tell him that, but the kid won’t know who I’m talking about for another twenty years.
There’s jeeps and soldiers and guns behind us. The booze is kicking in now, and I get us up over the trees and leave the assholes behind. Kid looks like he’s going to shit himself.
Don’t worry, kiiiid, E.T. not fall.
We touch down in the woods. Pine needles cover the ground like nature’s opium den.
Are they coming for you?
E.T. hope so.
You don’t know?
No.
What if no one is here for you?
Shut fuck up and chilllll. They will come.
Lights. Bright. Sky. Down. Here. Ship. Opens. Mom. Dad.
Mom cries. What happened?
Long story, need 115 minutes to telllll.
She leans over and tries to give me a hug. I push her away.
Need get out of here, Mom. Men commming.
Dad pulls me. I turn to Whiny Kid. He’s not so bad, even if he’s blubbering like a girl. I give him a Glow Finger.
Be gooood.
Blast off. On the ship. I lie. Down. Dad talks.
You okay?
No, not okay.
Do you need anything?
Peeeeanut butter. And chocolate. In candy-coated shelllll.

Customers who bought this book also enjoyed these other 100% true memoirs:

A Million Little Pieces of Ass from Morgan Fairchild, Whom I’ve Slept With, by Tommy Flanagan
My Friend Leonard, Part 6, by Bill Cosby
Tuesdays With Royalties, by Mitch Albom
The Hitler Diaries, by Konrad Kujau
There’s a Sucker Born Every Minute, by P.T. Barnum

Misunderestimated: The George W. Bush Story

Coming sooner than you think to a theater near you...

No one believed he could be elected. No one believed it when he was.

Starring...

Lewis Black as Richard Cheney

Skeletor as Karl Rove

Nicole Kidman as Laura Bush

Tara Reid as Jenna Bush

Lindsay Lohan as Not-Jenna Bush*
*Not-Jenna is a trademark of TBogg, Inc.

Bea Arthur as Old Scary Bush

The Donald as Donald Rumsfeld

Count Floyd as Paul Wolfowitz

Dave Chappelle as Condoleeza Rice

James Earl Jones as Colin Powell

Horatio Sanz as Alberto Gonzalez

Treebeard as Al Gore

Abe Vigoda as Joseph Lieberman

Steven Carrell as John Kerry

Bruce Willis as John McCain

The Norwegian Blue Parrot as Scott McClellan

Gary as Ken Mehlman

Crispin Glover as Ann Coulter

Rob Schneider as Jeff Gannon

and featuring
William J. LePetomaine
as President George W. Bush

---

Directed by Leni Riefenstahl

Written by George Orwell

Produced by William Renquist, Antonin Scalia, Clarence Thomas, Saundra Day O’Connor, Anthony Kennedy, and Katherine Harris

---

Praise for Misunderestimated

"Heh, Indeed." — Instapundit

"As compelling as the life of Christ." — Michael Medved

"I masturbated four times." — Sean Hannity

"This movie made me higher than a kite." — Rush Limbaugh

"Best! Movie!! Ever!!!" — Harriet Miers

"My opinion on this movie will be shaped by the law of the United States." — Chief Justice John Roberts

"Lewis Black? Go fuck yourself!" — Dick Cheney

Rated NS-RT

Not suitable for anyone with an IQ over room temperature.

Say it with Republicards!

New from Hallmarque!

Want to send a special thought to your favorite conservative? Then say it with Republicards^TM. Choices include... (click image to see larger size)

And introducing our new Just for Democrats^TM line...