Valentimes

I wanted to send all of you cards, but I didn't have your addresses. But here's what I would have sent:

Roses are red,

Violets are blue.

So am I

And so are you.

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Happy Valentines Day

I'd offer my love,

But you wanted flowers instead.

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Happy Valentines Day

I just wanted you to know that my calendar reminded me.

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Happy Valentines Day

Here are some dead flowers

And candy hearts that taste like chalk.

Valentimes 2012

Valentines Day is nearly over, but it's not too late to get those wishes in to your true loves. If you are at a loss for words, here are some sentimental thoughts that might help:

I’m shy and afraid;

Saying “I love you” is hard.

So I’ll let my heart speak

With this $4.95 card.

Please say you love me

Or at least that you like me.

In fact, I’d be fine

If you said you’d not strike me.

Here, take my heart,

All covered in gore,

I hope that our love

Can be like this and more.

You hate me, I'm stupid,

But one thing I know:

Love, like E. coli,

Can fester and grow.

A Belated Valentines Wish

Happy Valentines Day.
To show you how much I care, I bought you a card for $4 written by a stranger, plus some candies that taste like chalk.
And some dead flowers.

Won't you be mine?

Valentime Again

It is once again that time of year when we should think about the ones we love and forget to send them a card. Rather than send any cards myself, I offer up the following happy thoughts that might have been in some cards that I should have sent.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
So is my heart,
Bled dry over you.


Love is a squirrel, flitting feverishly from tree to tree, looking for acorns, only to slip and fall into the street to be squashed by a truck carrying nuts.


My love is a red, red rose, covered in my blood. Damn thorns.