Showing posts with label joke. Show all posts
Showing posts with label joke. Show all posts
5/03/2014
4/02/2013
3/10/2013
2/08/2013
Things I Believe: Thoughts for Friday
You can't please everyone, but you can always pleasure yourself.
He who does not try cannot fail.
Lucky in love, happy in life.
Lucky in business, annoying.
The proof is in the pudding. I have no idea how the knife got into my dessert.
He who does not try cannot fail.
Lucky in love, happy in life.
Lucky in business, annoying.
The proof is in the pudding. I have no idea how the knife got into my dessert.
1/04/2013
Things I Believe: Thoughts for Friday
Here are some things that Poor Richard probably meant to say:
Early to bed and early to rise.
Make me a shake with that burger and fries.
Fish and visitors stink after three days.
At least you can eat the fish. Legally.
Necessity never made a good bargain,
but it makes for decent theft.
To err is human, to repent divine,
To lie about it political.
Early to bed and early to rise.
Make me a shake with that burger and fries.
Fish and visitors stink after three days.
At least you can eat the fish. Legally.
Necessity never made a good bargain,
but it makes for decent theft.
To err is human, to repent divine,
To lie about it political.
12/03/2012
10/21/2012
Sunday Comics: The Buck Stops Here
Seemed like an appropriate sentiment for the season. That is, the political season. And hunting season.
10/12/2012
Things I Believe: Thoughts for Friday
Better late than never, said the late man's happy widow.
Another day, another dollar. I really need a raise.
Actions speak louder than words, especially words in sign language.
Do not curse the darkness. Light a candle and curse the hot wax.
Another day, another dollar. I really need a raise.
Actions speak louder than words, especially words in sign language.
Do not curse the darkness. Light a candle and curse the hot wax.
9/21/2012
Things I Believe: Thoughts for Friday
Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater. That water's still useful.
Faint heart never won fair lady. Money did.
First impressions are the most lasting, especially if you leave a really big dent.
Fish and guests smell after three days. So cook your guests soon.
Faint heart never won fair lady. Money did.
First impressions are the most lasting, especially if you leave a really big dent.
Fish and guests smell after three days. So cook your guests soon.
8/24/2012
Things I Believe: Thoughts for Friday
History repeats itself itself.
Ignorance is Bliss. Complete stupidity is Bliss's sister, Irene.
They're both very nice and have lovely hair.
Marriages are made in heaven.
Divorces are down the hall to the left, then take the elevator all the way down.
No man can serve two masters.
Serve one of them for dinner tonight, and leave the other in the fridge until supper tomorrow.
Ignorance is Bliss. Complete stupidity is Bliss's sister, Irene.
They're both very nice and have lovely hair.
Marriages are made in heaven.
Divorces are down the hall to the left, then take the elevator all the way down.
No man can serve two masters.
Serve one of them for dinner tonight, and leave the other in the fridge until supper tomorrow.
8/10/2012
Things I Believe: Thoughts for Friday
A woman's place is in the home, plotting to kill the man that told her that.
If you can't be good, be careful.
If you can't be careful, be armed.
Beware of geeks bearing grift.
A man's home is his castle; cold, leaky, and with bodies rotting in the dungeons below.
If you can't be good, be careful.
If you can't be careful, be armed.
Beware of geeks bearing grift.
A man's home is his castle; cold, leaky, and with bodies rotting in the dungeons below.
8/07/2012
Little Olympics Ditty
The Olympics, this year,
Is something to see;
So many people, so much
Better than me.
Better at running, and
Jumping around.
Better in air, and
Better on ground.
Better at shooting, and
At putting shot.
I'd like to compete...
But I'd better not.
But I'm a bit muddled
On details of all sorts.
So here are some questions
And thoughts on these sports.
In archery (one of the
Games in the joint),
If the arrows bounce,
Are they missing the point?
Badminton, this year, really
Messed with my head.
I thought they used rackets,
But some threw it instead.
In cycling, a sport that
I really admire,
When a bike gets a flat,
Is it time to retire?
For judo, here's something that's
Been in my head:
Do they wrestle to win,
Or flip for it instead?
Swimming seems like it
Really takes drive.
But do they really compete,
Or just take a dive?
Tennis players may think,
As the ball sails past,
While the food there might suck,
At least the service is fast.
Volleyballer teams play on
Court or on sand.
The only difference is that
One is more tanned.
And so the games will soon
Come to a close.
What the athletes do next,
Nobody knows.
They'll all go home
For a well-deserved rest,
After giving their all
And trying their best.
But after that's done,
What will they do?
Will they party like crazy?
Will they start sniffing glue?
Maybe they'll stay on the
Straight and the narrow…
And train for the games in
Rio de Janeiro.
For olympics jokes from the previous games, try these:
Is something to see;
So many people, so much
Better than me.
Better at running, and
Jumping around.
Better in air, and
Better on ground.
Better at shooting, and
At putting shot.
I'd like to compete...
But I'd better not.
But I'm a bit muddled
On details of all sorts.
So here are some questions
And thoughts on these sports.
In archery (one of the
Games in the joint),
If the arrows bounce,
Are they missing the point?
Badminton, this year, really
Messed with my head.
I thought they used rackets,
But some threw it instead.
In cycling, a sport that
I really admire,
When a bike gets a flat,
Is it time to retire?
For judo, here's something that's
Been in my head:
Do they wrestle to win,
Or flip for it instead?
Swimming seems like it
Really takes drive.
But do they really compete,
Or just take a dive?
Tennis players may think,
As the ball sails past,
While the food there might suck,
At least the service is fast.
Volleyballer teams play on
Court or on sand.
The only difference is that
One is more tanned.
And so the games will soon
Come to a close.
What the athletes do next,
Nobody knows.
They'll all go home
For a well-deserved rest,
After giving their all
And trying their best.
But after that's done,
What will they do?
Will they party like crazy?
Will they start sniffing glue?
Maybe they'll stay on the
Straight and the narrow…
And train for the games in
Rio de Janeiro.
For olympics jokes from the previous games, try these:
8/03/2012
Things I Believe: Thoughts for Friday
Hard work never did anyone any harm. Unless you're an assassin.
Good fences make good neighbors. Good fencers make scary ones.
If you want something done well, do it yourself. And leave it on the grill for a long time.
It's better to be on the safe side; the safe is where all of the money is.
Good fences make good neighbors. Good fencers make scary ones.
If you want something done well, do it yourself. And leave it on the grill for a long time.
It's better to be on the safe side; the safe is where all of the money is.
7/14/2012
7/13/2012
Things I Believe: Thoughts for Friday
He who lives by the sword shouldn't roll over in his sleep.
He who laughs last is pissing me off.
He who pays the piper should have him stop playing. That instrument is annoying.
Hindsight is 20-20. This is to prevent sitting on your glasses.
He who laughs last is pissing me off.
He who pays the piper should have him stop playing. That instrument is annoying.
Hindsight is 20-20. This is to prevent sitting on your glasses.
7/08/2012
Sunday Comics: College Admissions
Ever wonder what they do in all of those administration offices in school?
6/08/2012
Things I Believe: Thoughts for Friday
When you break up with someone, friends may tell you, "There are plenty of fish in the sea."
What they're saying is that they wish you'd go drown yourself.
Any close relationship will always reach a time when you realize that that other person does not share your exact views, does not look at the world in the same way, and generally is not the same person that you are.
At these times, it is best to take a step back, take a deep breath, and hit them.
Success comes from passion.
Find something you really love to do, and do it over and over until you hate it.
Those who can, do. Those can't blog.
What they're saying is that they wish you'd go drown yourself.
Any close relationship will always reach a time when you realize that that other person does not share your exact views, does not look at the world in the same way, and generally is not the same person that you are.
At these times, it is best to take a step back, take a deep breath, and hit them.
Success comes from passion.
Find something you really love to do, and do it over and over until you hate it.
Those who can, do. Those can't blog.
5/27/2012
Standup: Scissors and Kids
I just finished a standup show with the SFCC Showcase at the San Jose Improv this afternoon, thought I'd post the results.
This set is an expanded version of Backup Plan, which I posted a couple of weeks ago - I had a bit more time to play with and a couple more weeks to work on it, so it's a bit different than the one at the Purple Onion.
I hope you like it. Don't tell my kids about it.
This set is an expanded version of Backup Plan, which I posted a couple of weeks ago - I had a bit more time to play with and a couple more weeks to work on it, so it's a bit different than the one at the Purple Onion.
I hope you like it. Don't tell my kids about it.
5/25/2012
Things I Believe: Thoughts for Friday
No man is an island. An island is always connected to a much larger land mass, so it can never be as isolated and lonely as a man.
Don't bite the hand that feeds you, unless there's a really good Bearnaise sauce to go with it.
Never judge a book by its cover. Judge it by its Amazon customer reviews from people you've never met.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today. Except suicide.
Don't bite the hand that feeds you, unless there's a really good Bearnaise sauce to go with it.
Never judge a book by its cover. Judge it by its Amazon customer reviews from people you've never met.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today. Except suicide.
5/18/2012
Things I Believe: Thoughts for Friday
There are no dumb questions, only dumb questioners.
All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely waiters trying to get an audition.
Public speaking is the art of not knowing when to shut up.
Talk is cheap, so talk really fast to get your money's worth.
All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely waiters trying to get an audition.
Public speaking is the art of not knowing when to shut up.
Talk is cheap, so talk really fast to get your money's worth.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)