Holiday Horrible-Thon Part 2: Deck My Balls/No Dawgz Allowed

I'm starting to deplete my once bountiful reservoir of horror related Christmas movies. This all stemmed from Jack Frost and Black Christmas becoming perennial regulars, a tradition echoed in many horror fans' routine.  But honestly, there are few movies I watch over and over again every year. I'm constantly searching for something new. Going through the belated-to-me Silent Night, Deadly Nights and discovering rare beauties like 3615 Code Pere Noel and Feeders 2 is what it's all about! This year was my first since doing these intense holiday marathons that I worried I was running out of ammo. My made-for-tv and non-horror garbage fart peccadilloes will aid me in this never-ending project. These are the most notable, including a few of the worst. There were certainly better Christmas movies than a few of these, but these are the ten I've chosen to discuss for the following reasons..,


10. Alien Sex Party (2003)

It's becoming a trend that the worst movie I see all year happens to be one of the wretched Christmas choices I make. This one looked pretty dumb but with a title like Alien Sex Party, Presented by MOBY no less, it could be fun?  There was of course a good chance it would completely suck, but I couldn't have foreseen the level of suck. The only thing I hate more than a self-fellating Kevin Smith movie, is a pretentious rip-off of a self-fellating Kevin Smith movie. Alien Sex Party is openly trying to be Clerks, in a porn shop. I'm not one to give Clerks any credit, but it obviously had some kind of impact because shit like this was made. The actor who plays 'Dante' even makes a cameo. Filled with nauseating forced dialog, attempting to sound "real". Describing sex acts to "shock" the audience. The whole thing was extremely painful and had my face contorted to a permanent cringe. I have no idea why Moby would have anything to do with something like this, which is of course why he later tried to distance himself from it. This wasn't only the worst Christmas movie I saw, it was the worst I saw in 2015. Thinking back to last year, it gives "Yule Die" a run for it's money too, making this the worst, most difficult movie I've endured in several years. Every minute felt like years were taken off my life. It's times like this I wonder why I force myself to watch bad movies anyway, movies like this make me re-think my whole philosophy on movie watching because I can't do this shit. Next time I'm met with such misfortune as a Clerks rip-off, I'm turning the goddamn tv off and going to bed forever.





9. Santa With Muscles (1996)

Anytime the catalyst for a plot is amnesia in a movie, you know you're in for a winner. Throw Hulk Hogan in a Santa hat in the mix and you've got yourself a cult classic. At some point in Hulk's career, he was an unstoppable force. Movies, tv, toys, he was everywhere. None of the movies he starred in make any sense and are watchable by normal standards but the sight of him makes it all forgivable. This came out on the latter end of his success. Christmas movies are the tell tale sign of dying (or dead) stardom. There are no surprises here, it's just a comfort. It's Hulk Hogan interacting with kids dressed as Santa, it's like a lullaby. That's my story and and I'm stickin' to it.





8. Tales from the Third Dimension (1984)

This Anthology horror film starts with two un-notable, non-seasonal segments. The final segment is about two kids who go to Grandma's house for Christmas while their parents go to Hawaii only to discover that Granny has run out of meds and is a nutjob. She, in various ways (comically) tries to hurt, kill or just scare the kids throughout their stay. On Christmas Eve she chases them around the house with chainsaw, in her wheelchair mind you. The segment ends with an expected and very satisfying conclusion. You could almost skip the first two segments completely and go straight to the seasonal favorite next Christmas!



7. Frostbiter: Wrath of the Wendigo (1995)

A long time ago I had a goal of seeing every movie in Troma's huge distribution catalog. I have seen a lot but now it's a more passive goal. Any time I have the chance to chip away at it a little I feel a real sense of satisfaction. Much like, Winterbeast, which I watched last year, Frostbiter isn't necessarily a Christmas movie. It's a snow monster movie, which I like to throw in the mix for seasonal posterity. Frostbiter is about a Wendigo monster (ancient Indian forest spirit beast, kinda Sasquachian) that terrorizes hunters and local forest folk. Low budge, but made with love. Nice practical effects, stop motion and lighting. Has some Things moments, and is clearly influenced by Evil Dead. Some pretty awful musical choices were made but it's forgivable. Would make a perfect double feature with the aforementioned Winterbeast. Nice and eazzzzy.



6. I'll Be Home For Christmas (1998)

I'm not gonna lie, I've missed JTT. I was the right age when he was being forced down every adolescent girl in America's throat. I may have even had a crush on him, who knows, I had a crush on everyone. Lion King and Home Improvement aside, his body of work was mediocre and with time and has only become less remarkable. This is not a slight towards JTT, his output was simply a product of the times and the age demographic. By the time "I'll Be Home For Christmas" came out I was beyond over movies starring former Tiger Beat heart throbs. Even at age twelve this kind of thing seemed incredibly square. Then you grow up and the things you rejects become appealing simply for being vaguely connected to your youth. I'm taking the long way in explaining why I picked "I'll Be Home For Christmas", but the truth is, like the dog movies, I don't really know why I settle for these things. It must be neurological. The shocking part about this one is that I kind of liked it. JTT is a student going to college in LA, his Dad bribes him with a porche if he can get home in New York by Christmas. Predictable road trip hi-jinks ensure, and he's stuck in a Santa suit. It is indeed a messy little cliche'd piece, but it's not without it's charm. There was an unexpected kitshiness that I relish. In one scene he's stuck with a bunch of Grannies on their way to see Tom Jones in Vegas.

"I'm JONESin' for TOM!" 

This is as "me" as any still from any JTT movie will ever be. It turns out director Arlene Sanford also directed 'A Very Brady Sequel'. Mystery solved, she rules.






5. A Mom For Christmas (1990)

It wouldn't be Christmas without a made-for-tv movie or two about some orphaned state of childhood. This was background fodder but ended up being one of the most enjoyable shit-shows of the season. Nice little festive Mannequin rip-off. Olivia's here being beautiful, ditzy and pretending to be Mom-like to this motherless girl. There's no chemistry between her and the Dermot Mulroney/Clu Gullagher love-child-clone-dad but it's all apart of the charm. Also, there are these weird soul-less mannequins. They represent a Mannequin hell or something, this could be Olivia's fate if this whole Christmas Mom thing doesn't work out...

4. Mr. St. Nick (2002)

Kelsey Grammar plays the spoiled son of Santa and it's almost time for him to take over the family business. But does he really want to give up his sweet bachelor life in Miami? This one is conceptually weird from the get-go. Frasier (we're just calling him Frasier for short, ok?) wants to start a website so he can ease into the role of Santa without disrupting his chilled out beach life. Why go through the physical process of Santa Clausing when he can just rely on the innernetz. Corrupt Hollywood types, immigration scares, and Frasier in a red suit and tie instead of a traditional Santa suit. It all comes together in a malady of Holiday awfulness. Basically only watch this if you're truly inspired by the site of Frasier on the beach, with palm trees, dressed as Santa. You could probably get the same satisfaction from staring at the box.

Oh yeah.

And also, mock turtle neck...



and also...

"...I'm listening"







3. Becoming Santa (2011)

Now let's get serious for a sec. It's been a long time, years, decades even, since I've been moved by a Christmas movie. This documentary on professional Santas is the first time I've "felt something" in this notoriously awful sub-genre. A man finds a picture of his recently deceased father dressed as Santa. Surprised and effected by the image, having no living relatives left, he decides to dedicate his life for the next month and a half to transforming into a professional Santa for a season. He bleaches his hair and beard, goes to Santa school, and has a beautiful red suit made just for him by a talented woman named Adele who owns the coolest costume shop in Hollywood (that I've been fortunate enough to work with!). He soon realizes that he has natural talent for it. He's charismatic and brings to life. The film interviews professional Santas from all walks of life and they all have this little something that's really benevolent and touching. If there's one straight forward Christmas movie I recommend, it's this one.



2. 

it's a TIE!

Everything is Terrible! Holiday Special & Christmas Torture

I can't choose between these two! Similar in spirit, Everything is Terrible is know for their amazing mash-ups. Snow dogs, Jingle Cats, aging celebrities and endless hilarity. Christmas Torture, put out by the Lost Media Archive might not be quite as quick and joke-y, but makes up for it in obscurity. With clips from Miss Velma's Christmas Special and the Christmas Martian, it's a real noodle scratcher. Very little overlapping of sources, these two specials are on an equal playing field and both deserve a spot in your holiday rotation.




1. Christmas Evil (1980)

OK Guys, here's the deal. I could have SWORN I had already seen this. I even had it marked as "watched" on letterboxd. But my memory seemed vague, like it had been too long. I was due for a re-visit, and was recently reminded that it's John Waters' favorite Christmas movie so I threw it on as rewatch. I was shocked to learn that I had NEVER seen this movie and had a completely false memory of I guess some other mystery Christmas movie this whole time. Once I absorbed the shock from this revelation, I experienced Christmas Evil for THE FIRST TIME. Killer Santas are a dime a dozen, but this one feels different. I believe it's one of the earliest Killer Santas (the only other that comes to mind is in Tales from the Crypt a solid eight years prior). You might expect something along the lines of Silent Night Deadly Night, and you'd be right in that assumption. A little less slasher-y and transitional but it deals with Santa related childhood trauma. Though, less significantly here he simply sees his Dad dressed up as Santa doing sexy stuff with his Mom, rather than SNDN where the kid sees a Santa murder his whole family. I can't help but wonder about these characters who become killers because of something as simple as seeing adults have sex. Like, get the fuck over it. What unfolds is fairly dark though sensational character study of a man who works at a toy factory transforming into a killer Santa. He watches the children of the neighborhood, makes a list, checks it twice, the whole schitck. This take is a little different, and better than basically all of the ones that came after it. This might be the king of Killer Santa movies. Despite my having a light Christmas horror year, I'm pleased to have finally (actually) added this to the cannon.


That's all folks! I'm a few days late on Part two, so it's now 2016. I hope everyone had a great Holiday, cheers to keeping up with this blog regularly this year!

Holiday Horrible-Thon - 14 Movies in 3 Days

 

These past few years I've been taking my Christmas marathon more seriously. Where as I would have normally tried to catch Jack Frost or Black Christmas, in recent years it's been more of an event. Last year I didn't blog but still watched. It's becoming a more solid tradition to engage heavily in Holiday horror and seasonal schlocks. Not just a little but to excess. Work kept me extremely busy this month so I didn't even have a chance to sit down to a movie of any kind for two weeks leading up to Christmas. Because of general exhaustion and getting a late start, it was a very low key Holiday. I committed to taking it easy and getting into some festive atrocities. Here's everything I watched on my three day bender ranked from worst to "best".


14. Yule Die (2010)

I've seen a lot of shitty killer Santa movies in my day but none so uninspired as "Yule Die". Not surprisingly it takes cues from Silent Night Deadly Night, and every other Christmas horror movie of this ilk. On top of being completely unoriginal, the acting is beyond dreadful. Clearly civilians reading lines for their friend's movie. The zero budget would be forgivable if there was some kind of pay-off or charm but it truly leaves you feeling cold. On her Lettboxd review Hollie Horror said she couldn't immediately tell whether or not they filmed this with a cell phone. A sincere question all viewers might find themselves asking. I cannot say enough bad things about it. It's the kind of terrible movie that makes you feel angry for having endured it. The kind that sets the bar so low for every other movie, nothing so horrendous could even sink to it's level.


13. Two Front Teeth (2006)

What can I say? It isn't good. But it's NOT Yule Die. The acting is bad but at least they're trying. They're trying REALLY hard. The overacting from the leading lady often had me cringing. The story was all over the place and actually quite ambitious. Killer elves, killer tooth fairy, killer nuns, killer rogue easter bunny. Lots of killer-things. The use of color was nice. The biggest problem was the forced dialogue. It tries to be too quipy and on-the-nose like say, Buffy the Vampire Slayer. It doesn't succeed. Again, I didn't particular like it but after Yule Die, every film has a silver lining.



12. A Very Brady Christmas (1988)

I've been on a Brady kick lately. It happens every once in a while. I've been watching part of an episode before going to sleep. It's such ignorable popcorn, almost white noise. I've seen this before but it had been years. I hardly remembered a thing. Seemed like as good of a time as any to revisit it. It's possibly more square than the original series. Something about the Brady's in the eighties just doesn't feel kosher. All that teased hair and white furniture. It's odd. I'm still weirdly comforted by all of these characters. I know what to expect. They're all just a bunch of dependable old squares.



11. the Monster's Christmas (1981)

I was honestly surprised I didn't enjoy this more. Based on pictures I'd seen it looked like some kind of John Waters/Richard Elfman offspring. The creatures are neat and the witch's wardrobe kind of rules. Despite all of these things working in it's favor, it's utterly un-fun. Something like this should be brimming with quirky quirks. It's not. It falls extremely flat. The story meanders and completely failed to capture me. Oh well...




10. Santa Claws (1996)

I honestly expected this to be much worse. Again, and I'm seeing a trend here, it isn't good. But I found it tolerable. Debbie Rochon helped A LOT. I like her, she always brings something to the otherwise not-outstanding movies she appears in. She's smart, and it shows. I met her once, she was very sweet and classy. Written and Directed by Night of the Living Dead alumni John A. Russo. This movie has a horrible reputation for being in the gallows of shit Christmas horror, and aptly so. But hear this, any misgivings toward Santa Claws were formed many years before Yule Die was made and is therefore void of all meaning.




9. Kazuo Umezu's Horror Theater: Present (2005)

The one I thought would be the shining star of killer Santa movies this year. Also, my first experience with Kazuo Umezu's Horror Theater. I've read mixed but mostly unfavorable things about the whole series so I had certain reservations. This particular Christmas entry however, I was convinced would be great. Japanese Christmas movies are rare I figured by simply being NOT-Western, it would be interesting. It more or less followed the same cues as American killer Santa movies, leaving very little to celebrate. Mostly cheap, a little slow in spots (despite only being 50 minutes), and slightly confusing - it's never really made clear why the characters are seeing different killers. But still relatively engaging, at least enough to watch without resentment. I won't praise it from the rooftops but I won't send it to the clink with Yule Die.




8. Ski Party (1965)

Not really Christmas but there's snow and a snowMAN even, so whatever. Another Frankie Avalon/Annette Funicello (though she's only in it for one scene) beach party vehicle. only it's a SKI PARTY, etc. Exactly what you can expect from literally every single one of these. They are fun and frivolous. This one does have a leg up for having a different setting, though there are inexplicably girls in bikinis IN THE SNOW. Some great musical moments from Leslie Gore and James Brown. Really fun and probably deserves to be higher on the list but I judged it harshly for being not-super-Holiday-ish. I'm very particular about watching seasonal stuff IN season. I will not watch anything else on this list (with the exception of Shake, Rattle and Roll perhaps) in any month other than December. Ski Party, I could watch whenever.




7. Saint (2010)

This one surprised me! It was recommended to me for enjoying Rare Exports. I knew of course, that nothing could or will ever top Rare Exports. It's totally wonderful and unique, but as you can see, I'm running out of options here! All suggestions must be explored. I had pretty much decided in all of my Scroogey Curmudgeon-ness that Saint would Suck. It didn't. It was far from Christmas perfection but I found it quite enjoyable and with a flavor I'm totally not used to. While it's nothing like Rare Exports, I've realized that my enjoyment of these films is rooted in the idea that Santa being an actual monster or killer is much more interesting than a guy in a Santa suit killing people. Especially when it's the European folklore style Saint Nick/Krampus/Belsnickel. Which I don't think has been explored enough despite being infinitely more interesting. Anyway, this movie is very flawed but the foundation is great. It has some amazing moments and a few that even made me jump.





6.Silent Night Deadly Night 4: Initiation (1990)

So, what the's deal with everyone hating this movie? Not just this one but the last three Silent Night Deadly Nights - I'll get to the 5th in a few paragraphs. I LOVED the 3rd. I thought it was totally idiosyncratic and dreamlike. I could maybe understand why these sequels would be reviled if the first, and second were stellar cinematic achievements but they're all essentially b-movies. The bar was not set by a'one of these films. That being said, this one which is probably the biggest misfit is about a coven of witches and is barely even a Christmas movie. I still say it has a lot working in it's favor. First, Brian Yuzna in the director's chair. Not his finest moment but not so far gone from what we love him for. The practical effects by Screaming Mad George aren't just addequate they are AMAZING. Totally disgusting and on par with Society. And lastly, CLINT HOWARD AND REGGIE BANISTER. I'm upset that this movie has been painted as some kind of wart on the Silent Night franchise. Sure, the script is weak and Neith Hunter's acting range isn't dazzling - but it's weaknesses are counteracted by all of the aforementioned strengths. You know what else? It's not Yule Die.



5. Shake Rattle & Roll (1984)

In the Philippines it's tradition to watch this (or it's brethren) on Christmas day. This has nothing to do with a content. The Metro Manila Film Festival starts on December 25th every year and with a whopping 14 sequels, this popular campy horror anthology series usually makes the bill. I've been told by word of mouth that it is somewhat synonymous with Christmas for this reason despite having no thematic ties to the Holiday (until the 9th sequel). I've been trying to spice up my Holiday marquee by digging a little deeper and exploring seasonal cinema outside of all these shitty Santas. This seemed like a good opportunity to learn about another culture's customs while conveniently experiencing the most popular pinoy horror film ever made.

Like all anthologies, it's patchy. Perhaps patchier than I'm used to. The opening story is an overdrawn historical piece about a love triangle and curse. It's not scary, or even very interesting for that matter. The second story, slightly better, was about a haunted refrigerator. While this sounds right up my alley, it took itself surprisingly serious which is uncalled for in a killer appliance story. There were also some weird sexual overtones that were far from sexy and left me with malaise of "ick", though that makes it sounds much more salacious than it is.

Finally there's the last segment, "Manananggal". Towering above the others, this one is about an "Aswang", or flying torso blood-sucking witch-type-thing, that's terrorizing some boys in a small village. This creature is akin the Leyak/Penanggalan flying headed with intestines hanging down that you've seen in Mystics in Bali, Witch with the Flying Head and Ghost of Guts Eater. This version's torso literally rips from her lower half and she sprouts giant bat wings, but the sentiment is the same. The penanggalan is possibly my all time favorite monster so I was won over immediately. The general flavor of this whole segment had those same qualities. The other two feel like filler, but the last part is a must see. I've heard that the 90's entries are even better. I could definitely see this becoming an unconventional Christmas trend for me.

4. The Magic Christmas Tree (1964)

Watching some kind of kitschy 60's kiddie matinee Christmas feature is a must. The obvious and traditional options are Santa Claus Conquers the Martians and Rene Cardona's Santa Claus. As all of my favorites, I re-visit those every few years, but I know there's more out there. Magic Christmas Tree entered my radar last year but I wasn't able to locate it in time. It's extra fun because it starts on Halloween and takes you all the way to Christmas, which really when you think about it is one big blur anyway. Some laughable dialogue and scenarios make it super enjoyable. Seems to exist in the same universe as something like Jimmy the Boy Wonder. Off-kiltered little gem. Totally worth working into the Holiday roster. Highly recommended.

3. Christmas with Dennis (1988)

Seriously dorky straight-to-video tape of organ player Dennis Awe. It's more of a special than a movie but with his sequined jacket, interactive rainbow puppets and ultra-kitsch personality there's really no reason to ever go a Christmas without popping this on. I'm adding it to my Things-to-show-at-Christmas-Parties list. The highest honor of shitty Christmas-dom!

2. Silent Night, Deadly Night 5: The Toy Maker (1991)

I know I already vented a little bit about how I've been dissuaded from seeing these last few SNDN films, so forgive me as I go on. THIS one was shockingly entertaining. While admitedly part 4 was more balanced between good and bad, I felt completely and utterly won over by the Toy Maker. For starters, it's about Mickey Rooney making toys that kill children. Jesus Christ, people. What more could you ask for? Let's go a step further and add that again we have Screaming Mad George, Clint Howard and Brian Yuzna (producing, but still present). The entire movie had me endlessly delighted but the finale with Pino was almost more than I could bear. I've become instantly obsessed with this character and story arc. Brian Bremer's portrayal of this sexually twisted Pinocchio usurps the seminal Pin in his brief, maybe 15 minutes total of screen time. I can't even remember the film's flaws because I'm so enamored with him. Do I dare say it? Yes, this is my favorite Silent Night Deadly Night. But you know what? The whole series rules. Watch Yule Die, then any one of these and tell me otherwise. 

1. Feeders 2: Slay Bells (1998)

The Polonia brothers entered my life this year. I saw Splatter Farm for the first time in October. In fact, I had planned a big review, I watched it TWICE, once with commentary and even took screenshots but wasn't able to find the time to write the lengthy review I had planned before falling into a work-spiral. So let's just say for now, the official Atomic Caravan Splatter Farm review is TBA. I will say that it was pretty much love at first sight with these guys. I adore their approach, sense of humor and style. I knew that for the Holidays I absolutly had to make the Feeders films a priority. I watched them back to back, thinking that the first was also holiday themed I spotted a "Seasons Greetings" sign in one scene but that wasn't really enough. It was good. Not as good as Splatter Farm but fun for sure. Part 2 on the other hand, was exactly what the doctor ordered.

Starring one of the two twin brothers, Mark Polonia. He plays a disgruntled insurance clerk who struggles to make ends meet for his family, barely able to give them some kind of Christmas. One night he witnesses a UFO landing. The Feeders have arrived, looking even more feeble and useless than they did first time around. We're treated to that awe-inspiring Polonia dialogue that makes these movies a treat, a Santa Claus that conquers the Feeders and then this fantastically breathtaking scene....

The greatest movie boss in history. 

That about wraps it up for this year. I'm ready to squeeze in a few more good movies before committing to my Top 50 of 2014. I normally do 25 but I watched A LOT this year. Over 500 movies if you include shorts. I promise to at least link my list if I can't muster up the energy for a formal 50 review post, which is will likely be the case. See ya next year my little reindeer farts!

Giuseppe Makes a Movie (2014)

I finally caught a screening of this after months of kicking myself for missing the premiere (because I couldn't finding parking of all things). Giuseppe Andrews has been my favorite contemporary director since I blind bought Trailer Town in 2006. Consistently poetic and repulsive, his films are truly the pinnacle of modern trash cinema. I almost feel like calling them "trash" is too easy, it goes a little deeper than that. My experiences trying to expose people to Giuseppe Andrews over the years has been mostly frustrating and uncomfortable. I recall one incident in the small town shithole where I'm from. I brought Trailer Town to a friend's house. I was sure it'd be a crowd pleaser. The reception was so negative from my peers, a bunch of degenerate jabronies, I was weirdly chastised by these kids and I believe still to this day have a reputation of being the girl with shit taste in movies. I'm getting a little wrapped up in my personal relationship to these films but my point is; people either get Giuseppe Andrews or they don't. If they don't, fuck 'em. Their existence must be agonizing. We should all feel sorry for them because a world without these films is not one I want to live in.

Director Adam Rifkin follows Giuseppe in the process of preparing for and filming his latest movie, Garbanzo Gas. Giuseppe's methods are so unique, it's truly inspiring to watch the Micro-auteur at work. You get the sense that he lives an incredibly liberating lifestyle that circles completely around creation. The usual cast of characters are present, there no surprises there if you've seen any number of his films. Walt Dongo, Old Man Tyree and Vietnam Ron are just as they appear. Everything about this universe is raw and driven by eccentric bums and local weirdos. Because of that realism, this simple documentary FEELS just like one of Giuseppe's own films.

I happened to catch it on my birthday and I can't think of a better way to have celebrated. I walked away feeling infected by that tenacious creative energy that Giuseppe exhumes. His needs are few, he rejected Hollywood, he's living the dream. Best of all, he's still at it and will likely never quit.

http://www.giuseppeandrews.net/


The film is having a limited run at the Nuart (throughout this week), if you're able to catch it, I give it my highest recommendation.

Feng Shui (2004)

Something about Feng Shui jumped out at me. The cover isn't that enticing but lately I've been trying to dig a little deeper to find interesting lesser known contemporary Asian horror movies and  stumbled upon this moderately successful Pinoy flick from 2004. Now, I don't claim to be an expert on Filipino cinema. In fact, quite the opposite. I've seen no more than I could count on both hands and that's mostly limited to the goofy cult comedies of Joey De Leon. Modern and straight forward is just not on my radar but with reviews comparing it to a Filipino Ju-On, I knew I had to make it a priority.

Kris Aquino plays Joy Ramirez, loving wife and mother who's doing her best to help her family adjust to life in a new house. One day she's taking the long commute home from work when a man on the bus leaves something behind, she chases after him  to return it but he seems to be purposely avoiding her. She opens the crumpled newspaper to reveal a Chinese Bagua mirror. Traditionally used in Feng Shui to bring good fortune and ward off negative spirits. For those who are unfamiliar, it's the octagon shaped thing on the cover. This one isn't your garden variety Asian dollar store Bagua. It's kind of worn out and clearly an antique. The old lady who works at the bakery tells Joy that it's an unusual one and that she should hang it outside on the door instead of the living space which is traditional.

Within the next few days Joy starts having an amazing good luck streak. She gets a promotion at work and makes a ton of money, same thing happens for her husband, a distant relative dies and she inherits a fortune, she wins a drawing at the supermarket for an entertainment center. Things seem to be going well for Joy and her family until people around her start mysteriously dying. First, the old lady at the bakery, then a security guard in the gated community she lives in, and then another. It doesn't take long for her to realize that it's the Bagua. She tries to write it off as coincidental until the spirits of the dead start hanging out in her house. Literally, just hanging out. She'll be at work and neighbors noticing ghosts just walking around through the windows. They don't do much more than scream at or startle everyone, but when shit starts flying around Poltergeist style Joy knows that something has to be done.

One recent death is reported in the paper and she recognizes the man as the man who originally discarded the Bagua on the bus. Shortly after the curse was transferred to Joy, he was hit and killed by a another bus. Hoping for some answers, she reaches out to his widow who lavishly lives in the most glorious Filipino mansion. The lady doesn't seem fazed by the death that surrounds the bagua but more than anything, she wants it back. She's become addicted to fortune and Joy sees the effect it could have on a weaker person and leaves with no real answers.

At her wits end she visits a Taoist priest who tells her the story of a Chinese Princess who was having her feet bound in that sadistic way that they used to do to women in ancient China, so she'd be delicate and deformed, the way a proper lady should. Wrapped tightly and bound in Iron, they called her "Lotus Feet". One day there was a fire and her family left her behind, she couldn't walk or run so she burned to death, clutching that very Bagua, staring at herself and cursing it's future owners. Whoever looks in the mirror will die at the hand of their own Chinese Zodiac symbol. The man on the bus was born in the year of the rabbit, a bus called the "Rabbit Line" hit him. The old lady at the bakery was born in the year of the rat and died of poisoning from rat urine. This of course doesn't apply to the owner. She or he will have great financial gain as long as they don't mind the people around them dying horribly and being surrounded by their angry spirits. You know, no big deal.

This images reminds me of the 1981 HK horror movie The Imp that I reviewed last Schlocktober.

Elements of Feng Shui were a little cheesy. It's kind of a classic Monkey's Paw type of tale, with an Eastern spin of course. What makes the movie so interesting to me isn't necesarily the story, but the general flavor which felt totally new to me.  There was clearly a nice budget and the director, Chito S. Rono has a unique artistic vision. At times reminding me of classic Argento lighting and hearkening to Hong Kong horror masters such ss the Shaw Brothers. Rono creates an atmosphere that is truly unlike any film I've ever seen from any country. Tonally strange, color palette chosen not only creates an other-worldly unease, but a borderline sense of insanity.

I get to look at your awesome Mondrian color blocked house AND I can have this corned beef??

Suddenly the movie became Suspiria in the Suburbs of the Philippines.

A friend compared the house to a "Nightmare Full House", I was thinking similarly that house reminded me of a Halloween episode of the Simpsons.

One of my favorite things about this movie is the director's (or Art director's/designer's/cinematographer's) amazing use of a single color on color. Here you can see both mother and daughter are wearing pink in the pink kitchen which is lit with a pink hue. An unusual choice. 

Kids room is all about the greens and yellows.

Everything is Ochre with eerie neon highlights. Creates an almost apocalyptic feeling of dread.

Kris Aquino is lovely, she looks great in every single frame.

Joy's husband with a derpy look on his face, but there's the color thing again. Orange City, welcome to it.

Feng Shui is by no means ground breaking in terms of story or development. As far as the comparison to Ju-On, I see very little of that aside from a long haired female ghost who happens to be Asian. There are a lot of horror cliches that an american audience would be immune to. However, Stylistically this is one of the coolest horror movies I've seen this whole year. Hence the overkill in screenies. I found myself rewinding and pausing constantly just because I wanted to see what they did. From a technical standpoint Feng Shui is a modern masterpiece.

There are also a ton of quirky moments that will keep this film close to my heart forever...

Yes, son. A "Brown-out".

Remember when she gave the man at the door some Corned Beef about 20 pictures back?

There are few things I love more than SHAMELESS product placement.

I can share one thing though.

One thing I love more than shameless product placement...

Our leading lady getting hit in the head with a, clearly very much made of rubber, "dead" lizard.

I had such a blast watching this movie. It was announced earlier this year that both Chito S. Rono and Kris Aquino would be returning for the upcoming Feng Shui 2! I couldn't be more excited! If it's remotely as colorful and charming I'll be satisfied. This review is more of a love letter to Feng Shui than anything. It's a film that demands it's viewer to LOOK. Almost aggressively "LOOK AT ME. LOOK AT THE COLORS. ARE YOU LOOKING? WHAT ABOUT ALL THIS GREEN? ". This film has spoken to me and it's message is haunted rainbow. A haunted rainbow that reaches from Manila to my heart.