The Slumber Party Massacre (1982)

My previous experience with the Slumber Party Massacre series can be summed up in this brief timeline...

-2001: I discover Slumber Party Massacre 2 at a Flea Market. It's described to me as "A real Diarrhea flick" by the redneck who sold it to me. I disregard it as being a sequel and watch it first. LIFE CHANGING. I watch it at least a dozen times. It's all I watch that year.

-2002: ...still watching.

-2003: And I continue watching still, only now I have also become immersed in Troma. My taste is taking shape.

-2004/2005: Having done almost no research online I finally take an interest in seeing the the original. I wondered if it featured the same killer or was a musical. I watch The Slumber Party Massacre and am immediately put-off by the different tone, different killer and soundtrack I found completely uninteresting. To my 18 year old schlock obsessed brain, this was too serious and failed in entertaining me in the way I had come to expect. It's worth noting that I almost always have gravitated to the less-serious sequels in horror franchises. They speak to me.

-2006/2007: I stumble across a copy of Slumber Party Massacre 3. I know that I inserted the tape into the VCR, but all memory beyond that is null. Which probably means I experienced a similar disappointment and then fell asleep.

-2016: I recently picked up the DVD collection so I can re-visit the series with an open mind. Starting from square one, I put on the first. I warm up to it in the opening shot. Where Part 2 is all kinds of in-your-face weird, the original is also kind of strange but in a more subtle, read-between-the-lines kind of way. It really doesn't "feel" like any other slashers, not in the way that slashers notoriously mimic each other. For starters, you see the killer's face immediately. There is no mystery to the identity of Russ Thorn. I may not have understood this in my teens but as an adult, I admire the approach. He's just a man, and men are scary. Men kill women. It's very simple, and it works here.

Slashers had been around for a while, and there certainly wasn't anything ground breaking about teenagers in peril. What feels fresh to me about the Slumber Party Massacre films is a specific feeling I get from the Southern California landscape and how these teenagers exist in it. Filmed in Venice beach, Slumber Party Massacre opens with a shot of palm trees. Funereal synth music plays over the credits, and our (first) leading lady Trish dresses herself for school. The nudity in this film is especially cold and deliberate. Amy Holden Jones was clearly adding it out of obligation so these scenes are completely devoid of sexuality. Kind of a "just get it over with" approach. The sex is in the subtext.

The thing about this film and the sequels that's so remarkable to me is; yes, there's nudity, yes they're getting murdered with a phallus but I've always picked up on a strong sense of female unity. I love the way Amy Holden Jones films these girls and shows them interacting with each other. It's very clearly the mark of a female, and likely feminist filmmaker. The idea that strong female personalities can't exist in exploitation films is a misguided opinion that has always frustrated me. The friendships in the first film seem especially real. What drew me to these as a teenager is that I had dreams of idyllic slumber parties with my girlfriends. I wanted the pizza, the popcorn and the glowing TV lighting our coven. In a way I've modeled my lifestyle around this desire. All I really want is to watch horror movies with friends and eat food I shouldn't be eating and pretend it's 1982. Is that so much to ask?

Courtney, we will be seeing her again in a different incarnation.

I still have less to say about the original than it's handicapped siblings. It's very direct and I still find it mostly humorless despite claims that it was intended to be a horror comedy. It laid the foundation for what was to come, and for the ME that was going to blossom from the soot of a Panama City Flea Market because of spell that would soon be cast by a certain Drill-Guitar wielding Rockabilly Killer.

Stay tuned for my review of Slumber Party Massacre 2, and don't forget...

"I love you."

Donna Mills - The Eyes Have It (1986)

GURL, please. Put down the blue eye shadow and step away from the sparkly pink lip gloss. You are forty-six years old! Donna Mills proudly boasts that she does her own make-up. This video exists so she can demonstrate for we women of lesser competence, how to properly cake ourselves in layers of pasty opaque sludge. Cucumber slices on the eyes? Try an entire cucumber ON YOUR FACE. No really...

She repeatedly refers to her cosmetic style as "natural", while constantly looking like she's posing for a boudoir photo at Sears Portrait Studio. Fully airbrushed, contouring meant to cover a beard, hair teased to the heavens, Dairy Queen Glamour Shot Valentine's Day 2 for 1 special.

Then we get to see her do a little fashion show, take a bath and demonstrate the exact same make-up tips in different lighting and with colored contact lens'. C'mon Donna, you're reaching. She even shows us how to wash our own face, because we've come this far without having these skills.

I'm a fresh faced gal, do you want to know the real secret to looking young(er)? Try NOT spackling your face with nasty drywall clown paint. Eyes and lips? sure. A little concealer or powder on occasion, of course. But the Foundation/concealer/powder/blush quadroplaster? OY! She literally instructs people to PRESS POWDER FIRMLY INTO THEIR SKIN SO IT WON'T COME OFF. Just rub it in, fill those pores. It's fine, you can remove it with your phallic vegetable astringent.

In all sincerity, I fucking LIIIIIIVE FOR THIS SHIT. It's the kind of thing Shana Moulton is parodying in 'Whispering Pines', or material you'd find on 'Womans-Day', the greatest tumblr of all time. Donna Mills is selling a product you can't buy at the store. Something unattainable and phony. She's selling a false sense of self-worth. And yet, I could watch this aging soap actresses do her make-up and have fashion shows in her living room all day. This is a historical relic because, simply put, they don't make 'em like this anymore! Make-up tutorials are one thing, but we're not buying the instructions, we're buying Donna and basking in her frivolous bullshit lifestyle. If I didn't love it so much it would make me SICK. And for the record, I've been dying to play with my make-up ever since I watched this. I'm not immune!

So what have we learned today?

• How to feather brown eyeliner 40 different ways (spoiler: they're all the same)
• How to wash our face
• How to NOT dry our face (pat, do not rub) 
• The Mills' household has no shortage of over-sized cucumbers in the fridge.
• Donna suspiciously doesn't seem to own any cats.
• Frosted lip gloss is a friend to NO ONE.
• Donna has a seemingly endless cache of lighted mirrors, and assumes that we all do too.
• To be attractive you must be rich, coagulating in rouge, blonde and being white doesn't hurt.(Subtext, Donna. Not buying your "brown eye" tutorial for a second)
• Donna is an asshole, one can only assume.
• ABC Movies' of the Week clearly do not pay enough for Donna to hire someone to do her make-up PROFESSIONALLY.

The nefarious pink lip gloss, in action.

Don't forget to admire yourself for hours after, days even.

Shortly after my pal Warren bestowed this priceless treasure upon me, I found myself in this weird shop on Hollywood Blvd that sells nothing but old porno mags and shell art. A harmonious marriage of objects. Given that I'm both a collector of kitschy shell crap and any ephemera of interest, I had a good time digging around. I made an amazing discovery; a publication I was not previously aware of: "Valley Magazine" - a fashion mag for women who live in the Valley. That's the stuff dreams are made of. And who do you think graces the cover of this coveted holy book?

Miss Donna Mills, THE SAME YEAR AS 'THE EYES HAVE IT'! It was a busy year for our amateur cosmetologist. And now that you mention it, she so totally would live in the Valley. It's just glaringly obvious to me now.

I might add that this issue includes a Christmas shopping guide for the Sherman Oaks Galleria, aka: the Mall you've seen in EVERY movie from the 80's and 90's. Envy me, for I hold in my hands the mystic scroll...

As if your day couldn't get any better, here are some choice threads from the Winter of '86.

Holiday Horrible-Thon Part 2: Deck My Balls/No Dawgz Allowed

I'm starting to deplete my once bountiful reservoir of horror related Christmas movies. This all stemmed from Jack Frost and Black Christmas becoming perennial regulars, a tradition echoed in many horror fans' routine.  But honestly, there are few movies I watch over and over again every year. I'm constantly searching for something new. Going through the belated-to-me Silent Night, Deadly Nights and discovering rare beauties like 3615 Code Pere Noel and Feeders 2 is what it's all about! This year was my first since doing these intense holiday marathons that I worried I was running out of ammo. My made-for-tv and non-horror garbage fart peccadilloes will aid me in this never-ending project. These are the most notable, including a few of the worst. There were certainly better Christmas movies than a few of these, but these are the ten I've chosen to discuss for the following reasons..,


10. Alien Sex Party (2003)

It's becoming a trend that the worst movie I see all year happens to be one of the wretched Christmas choices I make. This one looked pretty dumb but with a title like Alien Sex Party, Presented by MOBY no less, it could be fun?  There was of course a good chance it would completely suck, but I couldn't have foreseen the level of suck. The only thing I hate more than a self-fellating Kevin Smith movie, is a pretentious rip-off of a self-fellating Kevin Smith movie. Alien Sex Party is openly trying to be Clerks, in a porn shop. I'm not one to give Clerks any credit, but it obviously had some kind of impact because shit like this was made. The actor who plays 'Dante' even makes a cameo. Filled with nauseating forced dialog, attempting to sound "real". Describing sex acts to "shock" the audience. The whole thing was extremely painful and had my face contorted to a permanent cringe. I have no idea why Moby would have anything to do with something like this, which is of course why he later tried to distance himself from it. This wasn't only the worst Christmas movie I saw, it was the worst I saw in 2015. Thinking back to last year, it gives "Yule Die" a run for it's money too, making this the worst, most difficult movie I've endured in several years. Every minute felt like years were taken off my life. It's times like this I wonder why I force myself to watch bad movies anyway, movies like this make me re-think my whole philosophy on movie watching because I can't do this shit. Next time I'm met with such misfortune as a Clerks rip-off, I'm turning the goddamn tv off and going to bed forever.





9. Santa With Muscles (1996)

Anytime the catalyst for a plot is amnesia in a movie, you know you're in for a winner. Throw Hulk Hogan in a Santa hat in the mix and you've got yourself a cult classic. At some point in Hulk's career, he was an unstoppable force. Movies, tv, toys, he was everywhere. None of the movies he starred in make any sense and are watchable by normal standards but the sight of him makes it all forgivable. This came out on the latter end of his success. Christmas movies are the tell tale sign of dying (or dead) stardom. There are no surprises here, it's just a comfort. It's Hulk Hogan interacting with kids dressed as Santa, it's like a lullaby. That's my story and and I'm stickin' to it.





8. Tales from the Third Dimension (1984)

This Anthology horror film starts with two un-notable, non-seasonal segments. The final segment is about two kids who go to Grandma's house for Christmas while their parents go to Hawaii only to discover that Granny has run out of meds and is a nutjob. She, in various ways (comically) tries to hurt, kill or just scare the kids throughout their stay. On Christmas Eve she chases them around the house with chainsaw, in her wheelchair mind you. The segment ends with an expected and very satisfying conclusion. You could almost skip the first two segments completely and go straight to the seasonal favorite next Christmas!



7. Frostbiter: Wrath of the Wendigo (1995)

A long time ago I had a goal of seeing every movie in Troma's huge distribution catalog. I have seen a lot but now it's a more passive goal. Any time I have the chance to chip away at it a little I feel a real sense of satisfaction. Much like, Winterbeast, which I watched last year, Frostbiter isn't necessarily a Christmas movie. It's a snow monster movie, which I like to throw in the mix for seasonal posterity. Frostbiter is about a Wendigo monster (ancient Indian forest spirit beast, kinda Sasquachian) that terrorizes hunters and local forest folk. Low budge, but made with love. Nice practical effects, stop motion and lighting. Has some Things moments, and is clearly influenced by Evil Dead. Some pretty awful musical choices were made but it's forgivable. Would make a perfect double feature with the aforementioned Winterbeast. Nice and eazzzzy.



6. I'll Be Home For Christmas (1998)

I'm not gonna lie, I've missed JTT. I was the right age when he was being forced down every adolescent girl in America's throat. I may have even had a crush on him, who knows, I had a crush on everyone. Lion King and Home Improvement aside, his body of work was mediocre and with time and has only become less remarkable. This is not a slight towards JTT, his output was simply a product of the times and the age demographic. By the time "I'll Be Home For Christmas" came out I was beyond over movies starring former Tiger Beat heart throbs. Even at age twelve this kind of thing seemed incredibly square. Then you grow up and the things you rejects become appealing simply for being vaguely connected to your youth. I'm taking the long way in explaining why I picked "I'll Be Home For Christmas", but the truth is, like the dog movies, I don't really know why I settle for these things. It must be neurological. The shocking part about this one is that I kind of liked it. JTT is a student going to college in LA, his Dad bribes him with a porche if he can get home in New York by Christmas. Predictable road trip hi-jinks ensure, and he's stuck in a Santa suit. It is indeed a messy little cliche'd piece, but it's not without it's charm. There was an unexpected kitshiness that I relish. In one scene he's stuck with a bunch of Grannies on their way to see Tom Jones in Vegas.

"I'm JONESin' for TOM!" 

This is as "me" as any still from any JTT movie will ever be. It turns out director Arlene Sanford also directed 'A Very Brady Sequel'. Mystery solved, she rules.






5. A Mom For Christmas (1990)

It wouldn't be Christmas without a made-for-tv movie or two about some orphaned state of childhood. This was background fodder but ended up being one of the most enjoyable shit-shows of the season. Nice little festive Mannequin rip-off. Olivia's here being beautiful, ditzy and pretending to be Mom-like to this motherless girl. There's no chemistry between her and the Dermot Mulroney/Clu Gullagher love-child-clone-dad but it's all apart of the charm. Also, there are these weird soul-less mannequins. They represent a Mannequin hell or something, this could be Olivia's fate if this whole Christmas Mom thing doesn't work out...

4. Mr. St. Nick (2002)

Kelsey Grammar plays the spoiled son of Santa and it's almost time for him to take over the family business. But does he really want to give up his sweet bachelor life in Miami? This one is conceptually weird from the get-go. Frasier (we're just calling him Frasier for short, ok?) wants to start a website so he can ease into the role of Santa without disrupting his chilled out beach life. Why go through the physical process of Santa Clausing when he can just rely on the innernetz. Corrupt Hollywood types, immigration scares, and Frasier in a red suit and tie instead of a traditional Santa suit. It all comes together in a malady of Holiday awfulness. Basically only watch this if you're truly inspired by the site of Frasier on the beach, with palm trees, dressed as Santa. You could probably get the same satisfaction from staring at the box.

Oh yeah.

And also, mock turtle neck...



and also...

"...I'm listening"







3. Becoming Santa (2011)

Now let's get serious for a sec. It's been a long time, years, decades even, since I've been moved by a Christmas movie. This documentary on professional Santas is the first time I've "felt something" in this notoriously awful sub-genre. A man finds a picture of his recently deceased father dressed as Santa. Surprised and effected by the image, having no living relatives left, he decides to dedicate his life for the next month and a half to transforming into a professional Santa for a season. He bleaches his hair and beard, goes to Santa school, and has a beautiful red suit made just for him by a talented woman named Adele who owns the coolest costume shop in Hollywood (that I've been fortunate enough to work with!). He soon realizes that he has natural talent for it. He's charismatic and brings to life. The film interviews professional Santas from all walks of life and they all have this little something that's really benevolent and touching. If there's one straight forward Christmas movie I recommend, it's this one.



2. 

it's a TIE!

Everything is Terrible! Holiday Special & Christmas Torture

I can't choose between these two! Similar in spirit, Everything is Terrible is know for their amazing mash-ups. Snow dogs, Jingle Cats, aging celebrities and endless hilarity. Christmas Torture, put out by the Lost Media Archive might not be quite as quick and joke-y, but makes up for it in obscurity. With clips from Miss Velma's Christmas Special and the Christmas Martian, it's a real noodle scratcher. Very little overlapping of sources, these two specials are on an equal playing field and both deserve a spot in your holiday rotation.




1. Christmas Evil (1980)

OK Guys, here's the deal. I could have SWORN I had already seen this. I even had it marked as "watched" on letterboxd. But my memory seemed vague, like it had been too long. I was due for a re-visit, and was recently reminded that it's John Waters' favorite Christmas movie so I threw it on as rewatch. I was shocked to learn that I had NEVER seen this movie and had a completely false memory of I guess some other mystery Christmas movie this whole time. Once I absorbed the shock from this revelation, I experienced Christmas Evil for THE FIRST TIME. Killer Santas are a dime a dozen, but this one feels different. I believe it's one of the earliest Killer Santas (the only other that comes to mind is in Tales from the Crypt a solid eight years prior). You might expect something along the lines of Silent Night Deadly Night, and you'd be right in that assumption. A little less slasher-y and transitional but it deals with Santa related childhood trauma. Though, less significantly here he simply sees his Dad dressed up as Santa doing sexy stuff with his Mom, rather than SNDN where the kid sees a Santa murder his whole family. I can't help but wonder about these characters who become killers because of something as simple as seeing adults have sex. Like, get the fuck over it. What unfolds is fairly dark though sensational character study of a man who works at a toy factory transforming into a killer Santa. He watches the children of the neighborhood, makes a list, checks it twice, the whole schitck. This take is a little different, and better than basically all of the ones that came after it. This might be the king of Killer Santa movies. Despite my having a light Christmas horror year, I'm pleased to have finally (actually) added this to the cannon.


That's all folks! I'm a few days late on Part two, so it's now 2016. I hope everyone had a great Holiday, cheers to keeping up with this blog regularly this year!