folks, I just got off the phone with Mitch McConnell. we had a nice twenty-minute chat about Preznit Fuckwit’s behavior at Lindsey Graham’s funeral.

‘who the fuck acts like that,’ he wanted to know.

“virtually everyone, Republican or Democrat, liked— LINDSEY. well, not everybody. but it sounds good. not everybody. HEH HEH. I have to be honest. I have to veer from this for a second.”

I had to agree with Mitch — who acts like that?

are you telling me that after a lifetime of lying about every fucking thing, this is the moment that Donny chooses to be honest, and point out that not everyone liked Lindsey — at his funeral?

and what’s with the inappropriate laugh?

Lindsey Graham pretty much sold his soul to become Dear Leader’s bestie. he humiliated himself, and burrowed straight up Donny’s ass — and in return, Donny can’t even be bothered to put any effort at all into delivering a heartfelt and respectful eulogy.

dude, this is not the time for veering into brutal honesty. just read the words that someone wrote for you.

on second thought, maybe not every word.

“…with a gleam in his eye after being lectured on the excruciating details of PATENT LAW by a fellow— SENATOR during— a FLIGHT, Lindsey declared that he had discovered a new form of— enhanced interrogation and torture for the— Guantanamo Bay area, he said, ‘this is really bad stuff and BORING’”

who wrote this shit for Donny? who thought it was appropriate to tell a Gitmo torture joke at a funeral? comedy gold! 

here’s the real torture: listening to Donny — with his weird halting cadences and his second-grade-level reading comprehension — struggle to make his way through the words he was too lazy to review ahead of time.

and then, when he was finished delivering his eulogy, Donny knocked on Lindsey’s coffin. hello, hello — is anyone home?

is that a thing? who does that?

what do you think Donny was saying, as he was rappy-tappy-tapping? ‘hey, Lindsey, did you know that Stephen Miller sleeps in one of these?’

but wait — it gets dumbfuckier.

after Donny sat back down, he pulled a packet of Tic Tacs out of his pocket and showed them to Couchfuck McGee.

Donny then tried, failed, and finally succeeded in putting a Tic Tac into his mouth.

now, we all know why Donny always has breath mints at the ready. remember what Sexual Assault Jesus so wisely counseled us in his Sermon on the Access Hollywood Tape:

I better use some Tic Tacs just in case I start kissing her. You know I’m automatically attracted to beautiful—I just start kissing them. It’s like a magnet. Just kiss. I don’t even wait. And when you’re a star, they let you do it. You can do anything. Grab ’em by the pussy. You can do anything.

so, who inside the church was Donny so super-horny to kiss that he needed pull out the Tic Tacs, pronto? was it his stalker-slash-diaper-nurse? eww.

speaking of which, isn’t it great that the presidential diaper bag and the nuclear football travel side by side? you know, just in case Donny has his own little thermonuclear event in his pants.

I’ve never been more proud to be an American. we’re number one!

but I know there’s one thing you’ve been dying to ask me this whole time: ‘Uncle Jeff! Uncle Jeff! did everyone’s favorite narcoleptic old fart factory close his weary eyes and fill the church with the pungent aroma of ass music?’

you fucking well better believe he did! the Nodfather was out like a light.

and the poor homey sitting right behind Don Snoreleone can’t believe he just got presidentially crop dusted.

can we get this guy a Purple Heart or something?

so, for those of you keeping score at home, Donny is now two-for-two in Falling The Fuck Asleep At Funerals. he’s batting a thousand, after having sawn logs at Pope Francis’ funeral a little over a year ago.

at least yesterday, Donny managed to keep his mouth closed and not drool all over himself.