Tell 'em about the honey, um, Usher

Popjustice reports that Usher is reduced to hiding songs inside boxes of Honey Nut Cheerios.

He'd sell more records if he hid Honey Nut Cheerios inside his CDs.

Whoever thought we'd have something in common with Usher's son?

We're both unimpressed:

Usher says his son Naviyd Ely Raymond, who turns 6 in December, isn’t impressed with the multiplatinum singer.

“He doesn’t care about what I do as much. … He’s like, ‘I’m the star. Who are you? You sing?'” Usher said in a recent interview.

“He told me the other day, he says, ‘You’re not a great singer,'” Usher, 36, continued with a laugh. His reply to his son: “What? I’m a great singer!”

To be honest, if you're son's only six and already twigged that you're not the greatest everything in the world, you've got a terrible problem there. Most sons are convinced they've been sired by a cross between Superman and Superman II until they're eight at the very least.

Usher has high hopes

Usher is going to play Sugar Ray Robinson in a forthcoming film. He's already trying to attract the attention of the the Academy:

''I've seen Oscar winners come out of left field. I'm just saying Jennifer Hudson..." said the 33-year-old.

Yes, Usher hopes to win an Oscar. And why shouldn't he? I dream of this post winning a Pulitzer. I think the difference is one of us knows that it isn't going to happen.

It's not even a film about Robinson - Hands Of Stone is actually about Roberto Duran.

Or, if you listen to Usher, it's a film about Usher:

"I'm going into it offering my interpretation and my hard work and my dedication to be the best Sugar Ray ever."

I know what you're thinking: surely Sugar Ray Robinson is the best Sugar Ray Robinson ever, right?

Usher, though, would seem to be be saying "we'll see about that":

"I've spoken to him, and I don't know if I'll ever be able to live up to him but I'll try to be better than him."

Yes, you might have spotted some humility creep in halfway through that quote, but thank God Usher was able to stop that worrying trend and get back to deciding that he's actually going to be better at being someone than the actual person ever was.

Usher apparently beating women off with a stick

I suppose you should perhaps be impressed that Usher is honest enough to say that being currently famous means he gets to have sex with people who wouldn't normally look at him twice. Although I'm not sure he realised that was what he was saying:

"There's great benefit that comes with it [being famous]. We can't ignore this thing! Wherever I go I will have some attraction, I can't run away from who I am."

Yes, he is trying to suggest that, oh, it's such a trial.

"But it's very hard, like, Man, there's lights everywhere. And some women I've been able to experience or relate to or date or merge with, they run from it."

Yes, he did say "merge with". Usher doesn't have empty, meaningless sex. He's found a way to make that even more hollow.

Usher offers advice to Justin Bieber

It's not entirely clear if Justin Bieber (I think he's from Toy Story 3) solicited Usher's advice or not, but Usher's offering it anyway:

“I tell Justin you’ve got to love all your fans without falling in love with them. I can’t say I’ve never dated a fan but it’s not a good idea. I tell him to understand that you are a fantasy to them and you should be mindful of that,” Usher said.

“And I encourage him to not take success so seriously so early. Have fun with it. And make friends!”

It's bloody good advice.

For Usher, he shouldn't date his fans because they like songs by Usher, and who wants to hang out with someone like that?

For Justin Bieber, he shouldn't date his fans because they're eight years old and he'll end up on some sort of register.

Usher, you campaigned with Obama - you must have some crazy tales, right?

Or... perhaps not:

"The first time we met, we actually were in transit in his car... kind of rolling. And, I'm starving, 'cause I hadn't really ate.

"We had been campaigning all day, all over the place, and I kind of look around and I'm like, 'Oooh, let me eat this candy bar or whatever.

"And we both look at it, and I'm like, 'You're not gonna eat that, are you?' and he's like, 'You're not gonna eat it, are you?' I'm like, 'Well, I'm gonna eat it if you don't.'

So I grab and I tear it open - I took the man's meal."

That tapping sound? Oh, that's the hand of history on Usher's shoulder, that is.

Mother and child reunion

Usher has re-hired his mother - probably the only manager who'd forgive you for canning them in favour of some bigshot.

Usher's blaming Benny Medina, the man he replaced his mother with, for the slump in his sales. Also, he couldn't make pancakes the way mom did. And do you know how embarrassing it is when Benny Medina spits on a hanky and wipes the ice-cream off your face in front of your friends?

Lesbians really just hoping for a go at Usher

You might not have realised lesbianism was a problem. That's why we should be thankful to geniuses like Usher, who not only has decided that it's down to a shortage, but also believes that he has answer. He would be the answer:

m I so much of a bad guy because I decided to get married? Am I so much of a bad guy [because once I got in the situation], I decided to stand for something, build a foundation, and think about my future? As a man, you would respect me for not turning my back on it. ... It can never be bad to have a foundation as a man — a black man — in a time when women are dying for men. Women have started to become lovers of each other as a result of not having enough men. Are you not studying the stories? Wake up! Black love is a good thing."

If only there were a few more Ushers around, there might be no need for women to be gay at all. Simple!

Of course, the only flaw in his plan is Usher is so wonderfully wonderful, he's going to not just attract women, but men as well. They won't be able to resist his charms. And with men lost to Usher love, women will be back to square one.

Rav Singh: live from Maidstone

Rav Singh slyly drops the name that Gordon Smart didn't have to hand this week, adding a name and picture of the woman who may or may not be the mystery blonde Smart is convinced that Fielder-Civil will run off with. Actually, she turns out to be a brunette, called Sarah Thomas, and Singh offers nothing to suggest that she's going to be the next Mrs. Fielder-Civil beyond a quote from his Mum who says that she's told Blake that's what he should do. Not, you'll note, that that's what he is going to do.

Rav, meanwhile, reports back breathlessly from Radio One's Big Weekend:

I was backstage to bring you all the goss

And what does he have to tell us? Erm, that Usher was there, and Duffy played some songs onstage.

Worth the return rail fare to Maidstone, then.

Usher misses the point

Who knew that a Noel Gallagher remark could be too complex to understand? Turns out, though, that Usher had difficulty grasping the point of Noel's 'Jay-Z wrong for Glastonbury' thought-leak and has decided that Noel meant Jay-Z wasn't headline material at all:

"It really shocked me that he said that. Jay-Z is an incredible artist and headliner. I saw him perform at the Hollywood Bowl in LA, and you're not getting better than that."

The Hollywood Bowl is a little like Glastonbury, although, of course, the herd of cows that graze on the Bowl site between shows are bred for beef rather than milk like the Worthy Farm beasts.

Still, nice to see that no matter how ill-informed and dunderheaded a quote is, there's always someone happy to lower the bar still further.

Usher's next album pushed back until kids are in college; 2025 release date pencilled in

There's some good news this lunchtime - apparently Tameka Foster has put her foot down and told her husband Usher to get all his silly ideas about making records out his head and to concentrate on their impending parenthood. There's a solid source for this, assuming you believe off-the-record briefings to Page Six to have validity:

According to a source, the Confessions singer "only listens to Tameka now, and she wants all Usher's focus to be on her and the baby". The source adds, "The album had been in the works for over a year... now it looks like it's never going to happen."

Never? Why, are we to suppose that Foster has also flushed away the master tapes accrued thus far? Surely an album that he's been working on for a year must be nearing the final buffing anyway - it's Usher, after all, it's not like he's got Kevin Shields' attention to detail holding him up.

Usher finally does it

Perhaps there is hope for Jason and Sarah Louise: A week after Usher ran away and hid instead of getting married, he's finally said "I do."

They say that if you marry in haste, you'll repent at leisure; now, as Tameka Foster gets used to being Mrs. Usher, we'll discover if the reverse is true. Or if, as we suspect, take over a week to get to the front of the church, repent at haste.

The Usher wouldn't be a groom

EastEnders-style marriage mayhem in New York, where Usher pulled out of his wedding a few hours before he was due to do the 'I do'.

We don't think it quite constitutes a jilting - we're pretty certain that Tameka Foster didn't get to the altar. Or not altar, as it was going to be a wedding in LA Reid's house. Actually, he might have an altar. He seems the type.

Anyway, Usher's publicist is now desperately trying to stop the publicity:

The singer's publicist released a statement confirming the wedding was canceled, then added, "No additional information will be given regarding the circumstances of the cancellation, but we hope the privacy of this matter will be respected."

The American gossip press have announced they intend to respect that request for privacy, and won't enter into pages and pages of baseless speculation. Just as soon as they know everyone's been given their wedding gifts back. Until then, they figure, a little speculation won't hurt anyone.

Usher tries to screw his fans

Imagine if someone was happy to work, without reward, building a massive shrine to you and your work. You might be happy to think of all this promotion going on, not costing you a cent.

But what if that person then disagreed with you - perhaps pointing out that you were making a bit of a fool of yourself?

It would probably be wise to take advice like that as well-meaning, even if you chose to ignore it.

Not so Usher: After fansite Usherforever.com called his open letter to bloggers "petty", Usher then got pettier, sending a legal demand that the site's URL be transfered over to his record label.

Apparently he believes there may be some sort of precedent which ensures only people who agree with him absolutely are allowed to be his fans. The claim is that people might get "confused" and think the site is an official one - oddly, when the site shared the same worldview as the celebrity, the possibility didn't seem to be of concern. Now, though, as the webpages are starting to carry entries which make it clear that they're not part of the Usher empire, Usher believes people might think they're his views. Very confusing.

Hush, Usher

Usher has been making a bit of hash of things lately, and that has caused a little comment. But Usher just wants to be left alone. He doesn't want to make his mistakes in public, so he's decided it's time to reclaim his privacy.

By, erm, writing a piece for People magazine about how he wants to be out the glare of publicity. In People magazine:

"I am happy, excited, completely clear and independent on my direction, feelings, decisions and I am NOT BEING LED," Usher wrote. "Some media and bloggers have been totally intrusive, they have misconstrued aspects of my personal life and, because of this, my 'true' fans are not sure about what is fact and what is fiction. There is a difference in stating an opinion versus drawing a conclusion that is incorrect.

"I have NEVER threatened or harassed anyone from any media format - print, radio, television or Internet media. At this point the best thing to say to my fans is just because it sounds enticing and it MAY sound 'true,' that does not make it truth. I understand the fact that I must sacrifice some anonymity for the career I love, however, some things are personal like having a child or a marriage."

So, then, the claims that Usher threatened radio presenters must be made-up then. Surprising that three radio stations simultaneously made up the allegations, but we guess that should be put down to being like the time all the sheep around the world learned to roll over the cattle grids to get across them. Even though it wasn't possible and it never happened.

Mother, you're fired

We don't know what Usher is planning to get his mum for the American Mother's Day this coming Sunday, but he's probably going to need to supersize it: he's just fired her. She had been his manager as well as his mom, but now Usher wants to build a wall, he says, between work and private life:

"She and I are on great terms and support each other in our life's endeavors. We are both very happy but are now working in different areas of the business," he said in a statement to The Associated Press. "This is great for me because it means I now get to have my mother strictly as my mother with no added pressure."

"At this time in my life, I am simply more interested in building the strength of my family. And in order to do that, I feel it's best to separate my business life from my personal life."

Let's hope Mrs. Usher doesn't decide to simplify her personal life by sacking her son in response.

FOOL, MONEY TO SPLIT

Is there anything more stomach-churning than the thought of a man spending a million pounds on a watch? How about a man spending a million pounds on a watch with his own face on it?. Step forward, Usher, you squalid little man.

Actually, if you've got some cash left over, can we interest you in a watch that has a pretty accurate summation of your career on it?

UPDATE 30-09-2012: This story has suddenly become popular again this week, so to celebrate, here's a picture of the watch in all its, um, glory: