Gordon in the morning: Special Brew

The front of Bizarre trumpets a surprising tie-up:

Lady Char Char: GaGa's monster deal with Twinings tea

Can this be? Has GaGa taken the slightly tiresome teapot motif and flogged off branding rights?

Not really, it turns out:

LADY GAGA is at the centre of a bidding war - to save tea from hot water.

With sales of the traditional form of the drink falling, oddball GaGa - who famously loves a cuppa - has firms fighting to sign her as a brand ambassador.

Ah. So this hasn't actually happened.

In the past few weeks GaGa's management have received offers from all the major tea brands. But at the moment it's old English firm Twinings who seem most determined to sign her.

The company, which dates back 300 years, has made GaGa a multi-million-pound offer to be the face of their specialist teas.

In other words: Twinings have made up a story that they're going to give GaGa a big deal, and got it reported by someone who looks a bit like a journalist. You couldn't buy coverage like that.

Well, you could buy it, but why bother when you can merely pretend you're going to buy it, and The Sun will run stories just as if you had?

In other news, Cheryl Tweedy is bored and 'can't wait' to get back to work. Or at least to being on the X Factor. For this news, we must thank Simon Cowell, who really is just worried about Cheryl, and not merely using someone's serious illness as a way of promoting his television programme.

MIka makes a pukka cuppa

Apparently, when he goes off round the world in a plane, or perhaps a boat, Mika always takes his own tea with him.

I think we're meant to read this as being "quirky and particular" rather than putting him in the same bracket as those people who go abroad for holidays with PG Tips and Heinz Baked Beans in their cases because foreign food is "funny".

Mika, it seems, is a tea pedant:

"When you don't drink coffee, you've got to get your tea right."

Handy skill, making a perfect cup of tea - and one that guarantees Mika will continue to be in demand in the music industry for years to come. Two sugars, please.