To be alive at this time

Fighting for scraps on the edge of fame:

Real Housewives Of Cheshire star Dawn Ward found guilty of assaulting pop star Sinitta

Justice has been done, though:

Dawn, a cast member of the ITVBe series, stood quietly in the dock as District Judge Elizabeth Roscoe told her that she would be bound over in the sum of £500 for three months and ordered her to keep the peace and be of good behaviour. No costs were awarded.

ITV Be, the cruellest injoke of a channel name (you wonder if they brainstormed other dismissive titles, like ITV Who? and ITV Second String). Still, the thought of having a £500 fine hanging over her will focus the mind; that's going to knock out the earnings from about six series of the programme.

What were the pair fighting over?

Yeah. Nobody cares.

Gordon in the morning: Praying for Cheryl

Things keep looking grimmer and grimmer for Cheryl Cole. How grim?

SINITTA has declared that she's "praying" for her X Factor pal Cheryl Cole after The Sun exposed her husband Ashley's cheating.

Her X Factor Pal? Did they go to fight in the trenches together?

Even with the troubles with her husband character, I think that if anyone was going to pop a patronising word in with God on someone's behalf, shouldn't it be the other way round?

Dancing On Ice: This is the "best ever" line-up apparently

To be fair to ITV, their fairly pointless Strictly-on-Ice has struggled so badly to attract stars over the last couple of years, when they say the 2010 cast is the best ever, they're not fibbing.

Danny Jones!

Even if we told you he was in Corrie, you might struggle a bit. He was Mike Baldwin's younger grandson, the one they had to write out fairly sharpish due to his frightening similarity to a ventriloquist's dummy. Only without the abilty to deliver lines.

Kieron Richardson!

It helps with these things, if you don't know, to guess Hollyoaks. Sooner or later, you'll be right.

Peter Shilton!

The England goalie (who wasn't blind in one eye) turned goalkeeping glove magnate turned... well, nothing much, apparently.

Ruth Langsford!

"This Morning host" it says here, although clearly not one of the main ones.

Sharron Davies!

Yes, she's actually still sort-of-quite famous, and nobody's going to mention The Big Breakfast.

Emily Atack!

Because even a role in an E4 sitcom makes you stand out amongst this crowd.

Gary Lucy!

There's always a Bill in this, like Strictly always has an EastEnder.

Bobby Davro!

Currently playing second-fiddle to Mickey Rooney in Milton Keyne's panto. He'll go out in week one, anyway.

Hilary Jones!

Doctor On Ice: The 'Doctor' film they somehow didn't bother to make.

And, finally, the two vaguely connected with music:

Sinitta!

(Although now the 'occupation' part of her passport reads 'Simon Cowell's ex')

and...

Heather Mills!

Let's hope the judging doesn't go against her, or it'll be a drenching for Philip Schofield.

To be fair, Heather Mills is still kind of famous. If anyone bothers to watch, we'd be interested to know how many mentions of her cafe on Brighton seafront turn up.

A heart-warming tale for Christmas

Aw, bless: Sinitta has become a mum, just in time for Christmas. And - somewhat surprisingly - her adoption process was a standard, slow, careful consideration.

Although Sinitta does admit that she tried to pull a string, in a half-hearted way:

Around that time Madonna came back from Malawi with baby David and her own adoption plans, and Sinitta became even more desperate for a child. "I rang the social worker in tears," she recalls. "I said, 'I know I am not a big, big celebrity like Madonna but please can you speed it up?'"

Sinitta (Clothes judge's own)

Sinitta shouldn't be too upset that Simon Cowell turned down her requests for a clothing allowance to be a judge on the Grease programme on ITV. It's not like anyone's watching it, is it?

Mind you, it's a bit rich of Cowell to insist that the judges wear their own clothes. After all, the programme has been pinched from BBC America, so if ITV is happily wrapping its Saturday nights in someone else's designs, why shouldn't the judges?

And the X-Factor winner is...

So, after that glittering list of judges waved around to replace Louis Walsh, who will it really be? Chris Moyles? David Gest? Mel B?

Erm... no, it's Sinitta. Apparently, and somewhat ickily, her former boyfriend Cowell has been preparing her to take the reins:

"I do feel bad because Louis is a close friend, but he is not on the show any more and that's not my fault.

"I'm the rightful new judge because I've been groomed for the job."

And, presumably, the Reynolds Girls were too busy.