Gordon in the morning: Jokes have now peaked

Bad news for Dave channel; close down Jongleurs, for comedy has reached an apex and from now, there is only the opportunity to make jokes that are in decline.

The time of this moment in human history was one of The Stone Roses pension fund shows:

STONE Roses hero Mani had Rio Ferdinand in stitches with a cheeky tribute to his beloved Manchester United.

If you are eating, or drinking, you may wish to finish before reading the detail of this jape, lest you spray the contents of your mouth over your screen.

The football-mad bass player flipped his guitar over to flash the message “Mani United” in front of 70,000 fans at Heaton Park on Sunday night.

I know. I know.

It's funny because he's called Mani, and Man United is a football team. And one of the football team was there.

Oh, we talk of it still.

After the gig, Rio chuckled: “Mani United – that was awesome. I couldn’t believe my eyes when he did it.

“The guy’s a genius and the band were amazing.”

A genius, Rio? Why damn Mani with such faint, faint praise?

Mani United. We are simply not worthy.

Gordon in the morning: I've seen the future in the tracks of your tears

To be fair, Gordon's got a pretty nice story this morning.

Mani's wife recalls something her husband once said:

She tweeted: “City’s win is all down to Mani.

"He predicted years ago that the Stone Roses would play again after City won the league! Nostradamus or what?”

Okay, it's copying something off Twitter, which is hardly going to win a Pulitzer, but it was a lovely spot.

Gordon in the morning: Oi, stop talking and look at my wad

I'm delighted to see the pretence that the Stone Roses reunion is about anything other than the money has been formally dropped today, with Gordon running a story which is one stop short of a naked Ian Brown rolling in a vat of ten bob bits:

STONE ROSES bassist Mani was left speechless after visiting a cashpoint – he'd become £1.8million richer overnight.
[...]
Mani told pals back home in Stockport: "It's madness. I only went out to buy milk and things.

"I went to the cashpoint and someone has stuck nearly £2million in while I wasn't looking.

"The whole world's gone crazy. I could have fallen over backwards when I saw the balance."

Gordon - who, you'll recall, is really excited by the comeback - has run this story through his patented HURHURHURTHEYWEREALLONDRUGSatron:

So you can imagine Mani's disbelief when he tapped in his PIN and saw all that loot.

Back in the day, that would have been down to a really good trip.

Right, Gordon. You don't really get the whole drugs thing, do you?

- "I was so out of it on drugs last night, I thought I'd balanced my chequebook"
- "Me too, I was so off my stylus I was convinced I'd renegotiated my home insurance and got a tidy discount."

Gordon in the courtroom

Gordon Smart has been giving "evidence" to the Leveson enquiry this morning; his written submission to the enquiry has just been published.

He seems to print an awful lot of photos of celebrity's kids for someone who takes the PCC code so seriously.

This bit is interesting, where Gordon talks about the use of "sources":

Without further corroboration, that story would not be published. This happens very occaSionally, For example, one member of my staff had a great contact linked to a female pop star. She was reluctant to reveal his/her identity because both she and her contact were aware I was close to the pop star in question and they had concerns about the contact’s anonymity being compromised. The story was published because I was able to corroborate the information officially through the PR company and my contacts.

Gordon also shares the process which went into the publication of the photo from Mani's mum's funeral, and - oh! - the heartbreaking difficulties he faced deciding to publish:

By way of example, this year I chose to print a picture of a band reunited for the first time in 20 years after an acrimonious split. The picture was taken by a pub barman at the wake of one of the band member’s mothers. After careful consideration I decided the story of their reunion was such a positive pieces of news, I felt we could publish the picture despite the circumstances in which it had been taken. The publication of this picture caused some upset at the time amongst certain relatives of the bereaved band member, but I have since spoken to him and he accepted that it was a fair decision to publish

You'll spot that the upset was amongst a number of relatives, who have turned into a "him" by the second clause of the sentence.

And you'd have to wonder at the mindset of a man who - even if a self-justification written months later - would think that it was "positive" that two people had met up at a funeral.

The other strange thing is that Gordon claims that all Bizarre stories are rigorously stood-up before publication; and yet this photo was published connected to a claim the Roses were reuniting. A tale which was pretty comprehensively rubbished as soon as it appeared. Unfortunately, Gordon's written evidence doesn't seek to connect how the story was simultaneously being stood up while being knocked down everywhere else. Perhaps a question for another day?

Mani says goodbye to the Primals

In order to concentrate on counting the money from The Stone Roses' reunion, Mani has stepped down from Primal Scream after last night's Edinburgh New Year gig.

The NME reports on that set:

Bobby Gillespie and co played a career-spanning 12 song set, divided into two halves by the traditional new year bells and fireworks.

A career-spanning set, eh?

'Movin' On Up'
'Slip Inside This House'
'Don't Fight It, Feel It'
'Damaged'
'Accelerator'
'Shoot Speed/Kill Light'
'Loaded'
'Come Together'
'Swastika Eyes'
'Country Girl'
'Jailbird'
'Rocks'

I hope the NME has its tongue in its cheek - Primal Scream might want to pretend that the first two albums never happened; you have to worry that the current NME hasn't even hearded of them.

Gordon in the morning: Thank you for the Roses

I think it's fair to say that - unlike most of the things he writes - Gordon Smart's excitement at the Stone Roses reunion seems to be genuine.

He has had to be a little, uh, creative with his own part in events though:

In April, Bizarre revealed how Ian and John had buried the hatchet at Mani's mum's funeral. A barman at the pub where the wake was held asked for a picture of the boys when they were all back together. Word then spread like wildfire around Manchester that peace had broken out.

It was a sensitive time for Primal Scream bassist Mani, who was grieving for his mum, and he kicked off about any suggestions of a reunion being premature.

You'll note that Gordon plays down what Mani actually said:

"I'm disgusted that my personal grief has been invaded and hijacked by these nonsensical stories," he told the NME, referring to the meeting of Brown and Squire at his mother's funeral.

"Two old friends meeting up after 15 years to pay their respects to my mother does not constitute the reformation of the Stone Roses. Please fuck off and leave it alone. It isn't true and isn't happening."

It's also interesting that Gordon is so desperate to be in some way 'first' with the story that he risks reminding us all of his oafish intrusion into someone's grief. Even something that he clearly loves dearly he treated like shit.

Gordon in the morning: I never promised you a Roses garden

Gordon returns to his story from last week where he announced we were more-or-less a signature away from a Stone Roses reunion.

The story has been roundly kicked to pieces by Mani since, so Gordon might feel he has some sort of explaining to do.

He sort-of explains:

After Bizarre broke the story last week Mani denied a reunion would take place - after being bombarded with calls in LA by everyone he had ever met asking if it was going to happen.

He was getting his head together after losing his mum and that was the last thing he needed.

The story was only ever written with genuine excitement about old wounds healing.

Aw, Gordon was only trying to help. But his story wasn't about "old wounds healing"; it was claiming there was going to be gigs. He even speculated about how difficult buying tickets would be.

And Mani didn't just "deny a reunion". His exact words were:

"I'm disgusted that my personal grief has been invaded and hijacked by these nonsensical stories," he told the NME, referring to the meeting of Brown and Squire at his mother's funeral.

"Two old friends meeting up after 15 years to pay their respects to my mother does not constitute the reformation of the Stone Roses. Please fuck off and leave it alone. It isn't true and isn't happening."

That's pretty blunt. Mani was angry that Smart had used his mother's funeral to create a fake reunion story.

And so what is the hook upon which Gordon hangs his "explanation"?

HERE'S the picture every music fan has wanted to see for over ten years - THE STONE ROSES reunited.

This is the moment in The Nelson Tavern, Failsworth, Manchester, shortly after IAN BROWN and JOHN SQUIRE finally buried the hatchet.

The shot was taken by pub staff, who couldn't believe their eyes as the band got together to pay their respects at bass player GARY "MANI" MOUNFIELD's mum's funeral.

Yes, he's run a photo taken at Mani's mum's funeral to explain why he ran a story exploiting Mani's mum funeral. Classy.

And in the last few minutes...

Mani has just apologised to Peter Hook for that jibe about blood money:

"I wish to apologise unreservedly to Peter Hook and his family regarding comments made on a social networking site, which was totally out of character for me. It was a venomous, spiteful reaction to a lot of things that are going on in my life right now and I chose to vent my frustrations and anger at one of my true friends in this filthy business, and ventured into territory which was none of my concern," said Mani.

"The Freebass thing has tipped me over the edge and became the focus of my bilious rants. Twenty-two years of being tripped up, face down in the mud and being kicked in the face with an iron boot will do that to the most stable of men. I hope I haven't blown a great friendship forever. Sorry Pete."

It's not clear what bit of the honking-mouth-off-on-Twitter was supposed to be out of character; perhaps Mani just means he doesn't normally use Twitter but instead shouts through letterboxes.

Close analysis of his apology indicates that Mani isn't saying he was wrong; he's just saying it wasn't anything to do him and he shouldn't have said anything. One of those unreserved apologies that are only sort-of sorry.

He also doesn't withdraw his suggestion that Freebass was a bit rubbish.

Freebass: The dream is over

How shall we go on without Freebass? The Mani-Hooky supergroup has split up in what looks like acrimonious circumstances. The NME reports:

Mani posted a host of outbursts on his Twitter account, Twitter.com/maniscream, attacking Hook for supposedly exploiting his past glories. Hook recently performed a series of shows where he played Joy Division's 'Unknown Pleasures' album in its entirety.

"Three things visible from space, Great Wall Of China, Peter Hook's wallet stuffed with Ian Curtis' blood money, Man City's empty trophy cabinet!" he tweeted, adding: "I've actually got an ongoing career, so I don’t feel the need to exploit my past glories. I exist in the here and the now."

That's sort-of true, isn't it? It's not entirely Mani's fault that his first name has become "FormermemberoftheStoneRoses"; and Primal Scream might be exploiting past glory to remain a going concern these days, but most of the glories date from before Mani joined.

And it isn't entirely clear what Mani thought Freebass was, if not a chance to cash-in on the past lives of those involved - nobody would have got to the end of the first demo track if it hadn't had Hook's name on it. Maybe Mani thought that was down to people's affection for Revenge.

The reference to Manchester City's trophy cabinet doesn't make any sense, either - why would an empty cabinet be visible from space? Unless someone had built a large cabinet to put nothing in? Was the emptiness supposedly visible from space by itself?

The formal announcement of Freebass split runs like this:

"It is with great sadness that just prior to the long-awaited album release of 'It’s A Beautiful Life' we have to announce that the much anticipated Mancunian union of bassists, Freebass, is no longer a functioning group."

"Recent events have made Freebass entirely unviable as a band and, with this in mind, it has been decided that the project should be shelved, rather than placed on hiatus while members pursue their other interests.

"The band would like to take the opportunity to thanks friends and fans for their support and interest, especially on the UK tour in June 2010. We also hope that people will enjoy the album, which concludes five years of work, and treat it on its own merits. No third parties were involved or harmed in the break-up."

The clash of egos. Even smothered in a polite PR sheen, you can still see that from space.

[Thanks to Michael M for the tip]

Stone Roses: No tour, probably

There is to be no Stone Roses tour. Ian Brown and John Squire say so.

Given they've not agreed on anything in two decades, that's got to be significant.

"I guess the 20th anniversary of the album has got folk speculating," said a spokeswoman for the former guitarist.

The statement added: "John Squire has just completed another exhibition in London and has plans to take it to Japan in July. Right now this is his priority. "

The people of Japan would never forgive him if he put that on hold, even for a couple of months.

And Ian Brown? What's he too busy doing?

A spokeswoman at Brown's label Fiction/Polydor said: "We know nothing about this. Ian is working on his new studio album which is due out later this year."

So, at this rate, it looks like Mani will be doing the tour on his own. Which he seems to be up for.

Gordon in the morning: Roses re-bloom

If it's true, you have to admit that Gordon's news of a 20th anniversary Stone Roses reunion is a pretty good scoop.

If only he'd got someone else to write it up for him:

This comeback bug is really catching. There must be something in the water. Or should that be Jack Daniel’s?

Given that the 'comeback bug' has been afflicting bands now solidly since Victoria Newton was in nominal charge at the Sun's showbusyness pages, that Smart has only just noticed says something about his powers of observation.

Seeing THE SPECIALS recently announce a comeback tour has convinced Mani the baggy Lords could put their differences behind them and do a tour.

Oh god - did he just call The Stone Roses "the baggy Lords"? What is it with Smart and giving everyone cod titles?

Still, Stone Roses reunion, huh? And it's in the bag, right?

THE STONE ROSES bassist MANI has pledged to fans that the legendary band will reform next year – once he has persuaded frontman IAN BROWN.

It turns out that all Gordon has to go on is something that Mani has said, with an admission that Ian Brown isn't actually interested right now. So, the band doesn't feature anyone who can sing. Or even Ian Brown.

Still, it's a great scoop, Gordon. How did you get it?

Oh, strangely, although this is flashed over as an "exclusive", it seems to be based on something from "internet TV station channelbee".

So apparently an "exclusive" now means "something I saw on the internet", although not "something I read in a magazine" as Smart isn't claiming the Madonna to appear on Britney's tour story as being his and his alone. This one seems to be little more than a "you helped prop up my ailing tour, now I'll come and ruin yours" bit of kite-flying.

And as Coldplay tumble through to the London leg of their tour, Gordon attempts a review:

COLDPLAY rocked London last night with singer CHRIS MARTIN picking up the guitar to thrill their fans.

The gig at the O2 was the latest stop on the band’s gruelling Viva La Vida world tour and their first in the capital.

Some rock bands have problems making their music fill vast venues – Coldplay aren’t one of them.

Recording their album in a church must have helped.

Erm, yes - assuming they were recording in, say, the National Catherdral in Washington.

A cynic might wonder if Gordon's review had been filed while he was waiting for the taxi to take him off to the Millennium Dome, rather than when he got home.

Darkness at 3AM: Even they lose interest

The 3AM Girls also went to the GQ awards and have Mani's "joke", but we suspect their hearts might not have actually been in it.

UPDATE: And I just notice that they reckon it was Gillespie, not Mani - but if there's something Gordon Smart is good on, it's identifying blokey rock blokes.

Gordon in the morning: Terror!

The photo is, unmistakably, of Lily Allen. The headline is unequivocal:

Lily Allen's kidnap terror

Blimey - what has been happening overnight, then?

It turns out it wasn't actually her terror, or her kidnap, but the kidnap of a friend. About six weeks ago. And most of Gordon's story underneath is not about kidnap - of Allen or her acquaintances - but, erm, about the GQ Awards. A glittering affair, it seems:

[M]y quote of the night goes to PRIMAL SCREAM star MANI.

Collecting the Band Of The Year gong from ELLE MACPHERSON, he said: “Fucking hell, a giraffe in a dress. Nice one.”

And, yes, alongside Elton John's "Amy Winehouse can't be with us, but we must crack on" gag, "ooh there's a tall woman" probably did sound like sparkling wit.

Still, I'm sure GQ will be delighted that their expensive awards bash has generated, erm, acres of coverage about Lily Allen's mate being kidnapped.

Elsewhere, Kate Moss has had a small anchor tattooed on her wrist:

I’m not sure what it’s supposed to symbolise – maybe it’s because she has spent the summer sunning herself on boats.

Or maybe it’s some sort of rhyming slang for ex PETE DOHERTY.

Yes. Maybe it is. I know when I've had a public, painful break-up, my first thought is "how can I scar myself in a random way to remember him by?"

Ian Brown saves us all

It's a pity he didn't put his foot down before The Second Coming, but at least Ian Brown is stopping a third version of the Stone Roses:

"I spoke to John and Reni about it a few years ago and they said they'd love to do it at some point in time," Mani told the BBC.

"But Ian Brown seems dead set against it."

He added: "If [Brown] changes his mind then we'll probably do it, but then I'll be back to Primal Scream after the one year of doing it."

Who knew that Reni would be kicking his heels and keen to drop everything for a Roses reunion?

Thank god Brown is playing the role of Mel C and sparing the world from having the warm memories they still have of the Roses from being trampled all over. Mind you, even Mel C caved in in the end.

Freebase away from the base

Let's try and pretend it's not just a bunch of former Premiership players in a Sunday league side, and feign enthusiasm for the possibility that the Hook/Mani/Rourke project Freebase is gearing up to tour. Apparently the plan is "summer festivals", where you don't have to directly ask people to pay to see you.

Robbie Williams is not going to be able to carry an album on his own

What do you do when your career has started to slow - creativity shot, an audience interested only in the big hits from your youth, catalogue outselling new releases?

Hey, how about a duets album? Get in some younger, more vibrant acts to carry the more difficult part of some songs, rely on a little sales jump from their fans. Sure, it's the musical equivalent of taking a small role in panto or a breakfast show on local radio, but it keeps the cash flowing.

Apparently, Robbie Williams is planning just such an album. Apparently Freebass - Rourke/Joyce/Hook/Mani - have "been approached". Let's hope they've got the sense to back away slowly.

By the way, let's give a tip of the hat to the terrible headline on Newton's piece:

LA Robbie's galaxy of stars

- for no reason, and quite unsuccessfully, working in a reference to the pub soccer team David Beckham is playing for now. Even though the album has nothing to do with Beckham, or football, and even LA is a stretch. And "Galaxy of stars" is a bit of a laugh, too - JJustin Timberlake, perhaps, but Mark Ronson?

Mani: sort it out, Pete

When a member of Primal Scream is advising you to get yourself in hand, you should really take that seriously. Mani is warning Pete Doherty to get it together:

"Show me the tunes mate. I don't want to see you being a junkie. You'll end up dying.

You are probably about to ruin one of my mate's lives. I'm very friendly with Kate Moss and it's about time you concentrated on your music."

And that wasn't just because he wanted to say that he was mates with Kate Moss, you know. It's genuine concern.

Meanwhile, a London cabbie has claimed that Doherty tried to pay a fare with Kate's belongings. Although the image of a taxi pulling over and saying "tenner, mate" only for Pete to try and pass a teasmade through the grill with a jolly 'keep the change' is pleasing, it wasn't quite like that, says driver Roland Andrews. It was a 100 mile journey, for a start:

"He was pretty apologetic and told me I should contact his accountant for the rest as he didn't have a cashpoint card or anything.

He asked me to help him unload his stuff into Kate's house and then he said, 'If there's anything here you want then help yourself to it. The missus won't mind.'"

Presumably the difficulty in paying tax on half a basket of used undies made Andrews decide to seek the outstanding fare in money, instead.

I, alone, could reunite the Roses

Not me, you understand. And even if by some accident - presumably involving pulling a magic letter from a jacket on a train in town or something - I did have the power to bring The Stone Roses back together, I'd probably choose not to use that. It'd only end in tears.

Mani, though, reckons he - and he alone - has the power. He doesn't think it's that compelling an idea, either:

"I'm the only person who could bring it back together again," he told Uncut magazine. "John Squire knows how to craft a tune, Ian Brown knows how to craft a tune. I don't know if any of us are powerful without each other. The magic was the power of four.

"At the end of the day I'm not going to lose any sleep over a reunion, because those days are gone."

We love the idea that The Stone Roses are kind of akin to WITCH - could there be some sort of magic amulet lost in Affleck's Palace which contains their power?

Still, we're taking this as the first step to their reunion on day one of Coachella 2009.

I beg your pardon, they've not promised you a Roses hard-on

It's being pitched as a Stone Roses reunion, but it falls a little way short of that. Even so, gentlemen and ladies of a certain age will be interested, if a little scared, to hear that Ian Brown and Mani are going to join Echo and The Bunnymen on stage at this week's Manchester cancer charity gig:

Andy Rourke has told Music Week that: "Both Mani and Hooky are going to be doing something with Echo and the Bunnymen, Mani's going to be doing something with Ian Brown, and the grand finale's going to be quite special."

Well... maybe the finale will be a promised Roses reunion. But we can't quite see it.