New Malawian authorities restore traditional fawning over Madonna. And it's mutual.

There's been some upheavals recently in Malawi - the former president, Joyce Banda, has vanished from the country, chased by claims of financial misconduct, and returning fire with claims that the new President, Peter Mutharika and his party have constructed a case against her by coercion.

All very murky.

But someone's doing alright out of it: Madonna, who had fallen out with Banda, is back in favour:

The Malawi government has announced the restoration of the status of ‘Very Very Important Person (VVIP)’ at the airport to US pop star Madonna.

The spokesperson for the Ministry of Foreign Affairs and International Cooperation, Quentie Kalichero said the current administration cannot take over the disagreements which had existed between former President Joyce Banda and Madonna.

Mutharika is very much Malawi's Obama. In the sense that there's a huge row over his eligibility to be president based on questions about whether he's really an American citizen or not. That's as far as the similarity goes.

And he tried to seize power through a coup.

And there was that time he failed to support academics when they were being hassled by police and bungled it so much that he had to be moved from the Education ministry.

And his brother, Bingu wa Mutharika, when he was president, spent $13.26 million buying a private jet which used so much of the nation's currency reserves it led to a fuel shortage for ordinary Malawians. And Bingu gifted Peter the leadership of the party - which happened despite, rather than because of, the rules for electing a leader. Those who objected to this were kicked out the party.

And what does Madonna do when getting to hang out with a guy like that?

She salutes him.

But then, he did give her back keys to the airport's luxury lounge, right?

Madonna remains an educator

The first school Madonna planned to bring Kabbalah to Malawi didn't end well. In fact, it didn't start well, with £2.4million being somehow consumed without a single child being taught about magic water or magic string.

Still, when life gives Madonna lemons, Madonna puts a biopic of a lemon farmer into planning, and so she's trying again.

This time, though, she's giving some money to people who actually know what they're doing, BuildOn.

Madonna seems to think of this as her charity building schools rather than just giving a charitable donation; hopefully the work being done by BuildOn will mean the schools don't have to pretend that New York Kabbalah is an actual thing.

Madonna Kabbalah school staff call in the lawyers

More misery from the collapse of the Raising Malawi school: Madonna is being sued by eight staff who claim they were forced to accept unfair conditions as part of their termination:

The charity workers' lawyer, Mzondi Chirambo, said the singer had 14 days to respond to their concerns.

"Their employment was terminated by the trustees of Raising Malawi Academy for Girls ostensibly following the change of plan not to build the school as planned," he told Reuters news agency. "My clients are also being forced to sign a discriminatory termination agreement before they are paid their benefits."

Madonna is rumoured to be planning a counter-suit. Won't somebody think of the... oh, what were they called again? Those people they were meant to be helping. Yes, them.

Madonna's charity abandons Malawi school build

It turns out that even a combination of Madonna and Kabbalah can't build a school, as Raising Malawi has junked plans to build:

The organisation, Raising Malawi, has ousted its board of directors and replaced its members with a new set of officials that includes Madonna and her manager, the Times reported.

"A thoughtful decision has been made to discontinue plans for the Raising Malawi Academy for Girls, as it was originally conceived," Michael Berg, co-founder of Raising Malawi, said in an e-mail to members who had contributed to the project.

Perhaps we should send in Toby Young - he seems determined to open a school despite knowing bugger all about it, so he has the perfect credentials.

Raising Malawi has so far spent over two million on not building a school, and you'd have to say brining the management of the project closer to the heart of the Kabbalah Center doesn't really bode well for the future.

Madonna unhappy with Malawi

I'm often quite hard on Madonna, so fair play to her for not mincing her words about the sentences handed by Malawian courts to two gay men.

Tiwonge Chimbalanga and Steven Monjeza have been sentenced to 14 years' hard labour for gross indecency. Of the being gay sort.

Madonna is shaking her head:

"I am shocked and saddened by the decision made by the Malawian court, which sent two innocent men to prison," Madonna said Friday in a statement posted on her web site.

"Malawi took a giant step backward," the singer continued. "The world is filled with pain and suffering; therefore, we must support out basic human right to love and be loved."

"I call upon the progressive men and women of Malawi - and around the world - to challenge this decision in the name of human dignity and equal rights for all," Madonna said.

Of course, she is a little compromised - after all, she was quite happy for the Malawian courts to ignore the basic rights of people when she swooped in to collect children. And while it's great that she's standing up for gay rights in Malawi, it sits uncomfortably with her attempts to establish the New York brand of Kabbalah in the country - a cult which is quite happy to call homosexuality a sin. Because that'll help.

Madonna-effect harms the children left behind

Not only did Madonna's decision to take a child rather than supporting Mercy where she lived mean that a Malawian children's home lost a potential source of regular, ongoing support, but the linking of Madonna to the home's name has destroyed the other support the Kondanani home needs:

A source tells the [Daily Mirror], "We find it a day-to-day struggle to survive. Some days we don't even know if there will be enough food to feed the babies. Donors are not giving because they are under the impression Madonna paid us vast amounts of money."

Head of the orphanage, Annie Chikhwaza, adds: "I was never offered a penny. I did not expect any either."

Well, no, the direct handing over of cash might have led to some cynical suggestions that Madonna was buying a child. However, you do wonder if she couldn't have found a few quid in one of her many houses to help the other kids out, don't you?

Gordon in the morning: Revisiting a bad idea

I think everyone had assumed that Gordon Smart had quietly dropped his vaguely homophobic tent-based scoring "guydar", but, oh no: It's back today. Apparently, somehow, having implied sex with Paris Hilton triggers 80% on Gordon's pink triangle scoring system. Somehow.

Still, all credit to Gordon for pushing forward with the sort of idea that lesser men would have dropped long before it ever reached the newspaper.

Meanwhile, well done to Virginia Wheeler and the entire Bizarre team for running a long lens photo of Mercy James as she arrived in London. I suppose if Malawian officials have decided that adoption law doesn't apply to the child, it's not surprising that Gordon and his gang have decided that the Press Complaints Commission ban on running photos of children without very good reason somehow isn't in action, either.

Wheeler shows how well she's kept up with the story she was sent by the Sun to cover:

WIDE-eyed Malawian orphan Mercy James gazes at the hustle and bustle of London yesterday...

To be fair, the first word is right, Mercy was wide-eyed. And, yes, she was Malawian.

But wasn't it established quite swiftly that, having a father who actually wanted to keep her with her family, Mercy wasn't actually an orphan?

Gordon in the morning: Good parenting

I think we're meant to read the story placed in Bizarre this morning as an indication that Madonna is a fit adoptive mother:

MADONNA telephones new adopted daughter Mercy James every night, it emerged yesterday.

The Malawian orphan, four, who speaks basic English, got a call on Sunday.

An insider revealed: “She said, ‘Mommy is waiting for you across the seas’.”

Aides are arranging travel papers for Mercy in capital Lilongwe before a private jet takes her to New York.

Oh, how touching, right?

Trouble is, the effect is the exact opposite of that intended - because even if you buy the idea that her money somehow allows Madonna to buy her way out of the eighteen month residence law, you'd have to hope she could at least be arsed to hang around for a week or two while the paperwork is sorted and bring the kid back to her bemusing, goldfish-bowl life herself. The Madonna camp might be trying to stress her brilliance as a mother, but it's all backfired a little.

Madonna gets what she wants

So, Mercy has got family who don't want her adopted. The African Union code on overseas adoption makes it clear Mercy should stay in Malawi unless absolutely necessary. Malawian law insists that prospective adoptive parents must spend 18 months in the country prior to any adoption.

So, why exactly is Madonna being given the child?

But the appeals court said the star's commitment to helping disadvantaged children had not been considered.

Now, it's true that Madonna does do a fair bit for Malawian children - admittedly, much related to trying to push the Kabbalahistic SFK programme, but a fair bit none the less. But unless I'm missing something about basic principles of justice, shouldn't charitable donations and such like be left unconsidered? It might be of value when deciding on somebody's character, but why does having the money to give large charitable donations have any bearing at all on if the basic rules on adoption should be set aside?

Jacques Peritti had an interesting and balanced piece in yesterday's Guardian on the story underneath the adoption, although it was so balanced it did end up suggesting that, you know, colonialism and indoctrination isn't such a bad thing:

I leave the orphanage thinking that if Madonna could roll this out across Africa, even if it involved lots of people signing up to Kabbalah, how could that not be a good thing? David Livingstone came to this country with a Bible in his hand; Madonna comes wearing Kabbalah wristbands. What is for sure is that colonialism is not a thing of the past. In Malawi, it's still alive and well, and it's just got a whole lot more showbiz.

Wasn't tying relief and charity and help and hope to an enforced conversion the problem with Mother Teresa's 'get baptised, then you can eat' style of selective assistance?

Madonna: dressing for motherhood

In a bid to try and pretend that it does more than print pictures of ladies in sexy clothing, the Daily Mail has decided to turn its shot of Madonna at a party into a think piece:

Is that really a suitable dress for someone trying to win an adoption case Madonna?

[...]
The self-proclaimed Material Girl appeared to lack plenty of the aforementioned substance as her Louis Vuitton mini dress and thigh-high boots showed off the tops of her thighs, her muscular arms and plenty of décolletage.

But was that really the outfit for someone who is currently battling a high-profile adoption case?

The Daily Mail Reporter, called, erm, Daily Mail Reporter, apparently thinks that the courts might not have heard of Madonna before, and - seconds before shoveling babies into her shopping basket - someone will burst in to the court room waving photos of last night's Metropolitan Museum of Art's Costume Institute Ball yelling "stop! she has gone out in public showing her arms! She is not suitable for motherhood!"

This is Madonna, Daily Mail Reporter. She's published a book featuring a photo of herself getting a back-handed compliment from Vanilla Ice. She advertised Pepsi by having a squirt off a man who was meant to be Jesus. She... well, you can add your own favourite example of Madonna public indignity here. Going out wearing a pair of kinky boots is unlikely to swing the court at this point.

Gordon in the morning: Insulting your intelligence, even on the holidays

To be fair, it does feel credible to suggest that Madonna's response to any problem would be to buy houses until the problem goes away, but it's shameful that The Sun is running a story about her "plans" for a Malawi house without even the slightest suggestion that they're doing their bit as part of a propaganda war:

[T]he chart-topper has instructed her architects to draw up plans for a home in the African country, as she believes adopted son DAVID BANDA would benefit from a connection to his birthplace.

Do you think, Madonna?

Talking of irony, does Gordon really think the best way to illustrate a piece about Geri Halliwell's stalker and how they hang about outside her house all day, invading her privacy and straining to just get a glimpse of her, is by running a long-lens paparazzi snap of Halliwell?

Gordon in the morning: Adopting fresh positions

You know who's been a rock during the whole story about Madonna's credit card being refused at the baby checkout? Guy Ritchie, that's who. At least, according to Gordon:

THE thick layer of ice between GUY RITCHIE and MADONNA is starting to thaw.

Film director Guy has been consoling his ex over her failed adoption bid in a series of tearful phone calls, I can reveal.

Sniff.

Guy stunned everyone by issuing a statement supporting Madge

Well, certainly he'd have stunned Sun readers, who have been fed a diet of stories claiming the pair hated each other so much they could barely stand the thought that their lungs worked in similar ways.

He said: �I fully supported Madonna in her decision to apply for this adoption, and I am saddened her application has been rejected.

�She is motivated only by being a caring parent who seeks to share some of the advantages and opportunities that her life has given her.�

Just as a sidebar - could someone at The Sun please buy a book about the internet and stop the big diamond question marks appearing all over their website?

Yes, a surprising statement - especially if you'd spent the last two years reading this sort of thing:

GUY RITCHIE has rowed bitterly with Madonna over her plans to adopt an African baby, The Sun can reveal.

The film director fears his wife may just want the child as a celebrity status symbol ? and that she has not considered the potential problems of such a move.

Still, the paper is currently going through a warm patch in its relations with Madonna, trying desperately to paint 'having adoption rejected because it wasn't legal' as being something else entirely:

...after a Malawian judge refused the adoption, even though other authorities gave it the green light, because she hadn’t lived in the country for 18 months.

Oh, it was just a persnickety judge focusing on a tiny, tiny detail. Everyone else in Malawi was fine with it, right?

Elsewhere, Gordon shows respects for elders:

A FLUFFY grey poncho and matching hat sounds like an outfit my gran would wear to the bingo on a Saturday night.

But ANGELINA JOLIE looks dabber, sorry dapper, in old dears’ threads in her latest movie.

Gordon, mate: probably not a wise idea to take the piss out of older people when your ultimate boss is seventy-seven.

And, in perhaps the most horrible image ever published by the Sun, for some reason we're subjected to a snap of Bono with - apparently - his hand down his swimming trunks. Isn't there some sort of law?

Gordon in the morning: Love you til Luton

Virginia Wheeler is still Gordon's closest-thing-to-a-writer in Malawi, and is still shovelling out Madonna-camp-pleasing coverage:

The boss of Mercy’s orphanage, the Kondanani Children’s Home, said the youngster “could not understand where her new family had gone”.

Annie Chikhwaza said: “It’s devastating for Mercy. She had bonded with her new family and was calling for Madonna, saying, ‘Where is my Mummy?’

“She couldn’t understand where Lola, David and Rocco had gone — she thought they were playing hide and seek. It broke my heart to see her crying out for David as they’d become inseparable."

Virginia doesn't see this as being a good example of why you shouldn't make promises to children until you're bloody certain you can make good on them. She doesn't suggest that the whole thing suggests that the orphanage has been placing Madonna's needs ahead of those of Mercy. She doesn't think to question Chikhwaza's odd claims - why would Mercy think the other kids were "playing hide and seek"? It's not like they were living at the orphanage, is it? Wouldn't Mercy just assume they'd gone back to their nicer place to live? Isn't this sort of statement more about trying to manipulate press coverage and court decisions rather than telling the truth?

Although Mercy does have a good point: where is Madonna?

Madonna, 50, flew to Britain with kids Lourdes, 12, Rocco, eight, and adopted three-year-old David Banda, greeted at Luton Airport by Madge’s ex-hubby GUY RITCHIE.

But the devastated singer cut a forlorn figure as she stepped alone from the private plane.

Given that one of the reasons she was turned down as an adoptor was a lack of time spent in the country, and if she was really that devastated, why was she in Luton? If we take Wheeler's reportage at face value, what we seem to have is a desperately upset child, and a woman who claims to care about that child puts thousands of miles between them.

Normally, Gordon's work on Simon Fuller and Simon Cowell being up for the same award would not detain us, but connosieurs of bad photoshop will enjoy the terrible, terrible boxing-mock-up-artwork.

Gordon in the morning: Yes, Virginia, there is a rule of law

The big news in Gordon's kingdom this morning is Madonna being told 'no':

Madonna screamed ‘Whaaaat’ and held head in her hands

That's probably 'what' as in 'what does this thing 'no' mean? It's a word I've heard, of course, but not one that has ever been directed towards my face before.'

Yes, Virginia Wheeler is finally doing some reporting from the court room in Malawi.

STUNNED MADONNA screamed “Whaaaat?” and held her head in her hands yesterday after a judge sensationally DENIED her bid to adopt a second Malawian orphan.

Perhaps Madonna was so surprised because she'd been reading Wheeler's reports that the whole thing was a done deal. Court was a "rubber stamp", wasn't it, Virginia?

The head of the orphanage where Mercy will today return said the ruling would be “like a dagger in Madonna’s heart”.

Annie Chikhwaza, who runs the Kondanani Children’s Home where the tot has spent most of her life, re-introduced Mercy to Madge when the singer touched down in Malawi last week.

And she revealed the excited little girl’s first word when she saw Madonna was “Mummy”.

Now, you or I might think this is a sign that the orphanage and Madonna have been handling this whole thing really badly - Madonna, apparently, making promises to a child that she thought were underwritten by her cash; the orphanage not cautioning that no child should be told they're being adopted until the paperwork is in place. This seems pretty scandalous.

So, surely Virginia will want to make sure her readers remember exactly who has been at the heart of this story, and the only person who should matter?

Well, sort of:

A family friend said: “Madonna is an amazing woman who always gets what she wants.

“This is a massive embarrassment for her. She is furious, shocked, devastated and cannot believe what’s happened.”

Back in Britain, and more surprise for anyone who relies on the Sun's reports to understand the world. You'll recall yesterday how the triumvirate of Gordon Smart, Sara Nathan and James Clench diagnosed Matthew Horne's illness:

The actor, said to be suffering from exhaustion, was taken off on a stretcher, breathing with an oxygen mask[...]
A source said: “Mat has been working so hard. He is a fragile guy. Friends worried he was taking on too much. It’s been stressful.”

Doctors last night said Mat was suffering severe stress.

Oddly, though, today a fourth writer, Rhodri Phillips turns up to deliver today's update:

COMIC actor Mathew Horne — who collapsed on stage during a West End show — is suffering from a virus, it was revealed yesterday.
[...]
It had been thought the Gavin and Stacey star, who appears in a TV sketch show and the film Lesbian Vampire Killers, could be suffering exhaustion.

Really... I wonder what could have made it "had been thought" that?

Malawi says no

The Associated Press is reporting that the Malawian court has rejected Madonna's attempts to procure a second child.

This, despite Virginia Wheeler reporting it as a done deal in The Sun all week. Does this country have no respect for journalists?

Gordon in the morning: Picking up the kid

Bizarre online this morning is leading with a long-lens shot of Madonna with the new child she's trying to buy. I suppose if Malawi is prepared to ignore the rules on overseas adoptions, there's no reason to expect the Sun to respect the rules on invasions of children's privacy.

The paper does, however, respect Madonna's privacy, and blots out her address when it reproduces the court papers.

Virginia Wheeler has flown out to Malawi, and manages to report the story as if Madonna has already been approved:

LITTLE Mercy James looks back at her orphanage home as she walks away to prepare for her new life as MADONNA’s adopted daughter.

The Queen of Pop was pictured with Mercy for the first time yesterday as authorities began finalising the adoption arrangements.

[...]The judge will give an official ruling on Friday — but Madonna, 50, has already been told that her application will succeed.

Wheeler doesn't seem in the least bit bothered, or alarmed, or interested in the idea that the court hearing has been treated in such a way.

We should approach this story remembering that Wheeler filed the "Perv Glitter stroked my arm" report for the Sun which exclusively broke the news that Gary Glitter could touch people from rows and rows of seats away.

The Sun's inability to treat this story with any degree of seriousness is probably summed up by the decision to put a jokey caption on a photo of David Banda being reintroduced to the father who awkwardly stopped him from being an orphan.

Gordon, meanwhile, takes delivery of a press release from TopShop with some pictures of Kate Moss:

KATE MOSS scrubs up well.

Here’s the Croydon clothes horse looking in the finest of fettle in a promo shot for her new Topshop collection.

She looks a far cry from the blurry-eyed party animal snapped out on the thrash during the last month.

You know, I could have sworn an adult just published a sentence which suggests that professional model shoots tend to result in better looking photos than if you take a quick snap of the same person while they're on a night out. Perhaps that's his April Fool.

Marvellous things, airbrushes.

Yes. Clearly, Gordon - who happily churns out any load of photoshopped-to-buggery pictures with barely a murmur - is having a laugh, by running a piece that pretends to object to pictures being touched up in the studio. Very good, Gordon.

Madonna snaps at the children supermarket

Madonna, it appears, is not happy at public scrutiny of her plans to annex another child:

MADONNA has hit out at critics who have slammed her bid to adopt Malawian orphan MERCY JAMES - insisting it is "none of their business".

Given that those leading the criticism of her plans is Save The Children, you would have to counter "actually, you know, it might be very much their business".

Still, there has been a happy outcome of Madonna getting hungry again; it has reminded her of her promise - hitherto unfulfilled - of allowing David to see his Dad. Why, there's a meeting taking place on the current trip to Malawi. Almost as if she was keen to show that, ooh, she's a woman of her word or something.

Madonna: she wants a set

Here we go again, then: Madonna is reportedly hoping that Malawi will ignore the rules on overseas adoptions all over again.

Malawi apparently doesn't generally allow adoptions by single parents, but if you're ignoring one set of rules, why bother about ignoring another set?

Madonnadoption "like childbirth"

Madonna has taken to the stage at Cannes to remind us who's important in the adoption of David Banda: Her, and her feelings. Oh, it was a struggle for her:

"It was painful, and it was a big struggle, and I didn't understand it.

But in the end, I rationalized that when a woman has a child and goes through natural childbirth, she suffers an enormous amount," she said. "So I sort of went through my own kind of birthing pains with dealing with the press on my front doorstep accusing me of kidnapping or whatever you want to call it."

Did anyone accuse her of kidnapping? Perhaps in the wilder edge of the blogheap, but most criticism was surely fair: That the kid turned out not to be an orphan but a child with a family; that the usual residence rules were ignored; that Madonna turned out to have been underwriting course costs for a figure involved in the adoption process; that it appears that promises made to David's father about contact weren't honoured - and, apparently, that he was told Madonna was offering a good Christian upbringing rather than her being a major figure in a culty movement; that the rules on overseas adoption established by the Organisation of African Unity - and to which Malawi was a signatory - seemed to have been ignored; and the wider question of whether being taken into an environment where the press camped on the doorstep really is the best for a child. All important questions and ones which had implications much wider than the single case. Does Madonna really think these concerns should have been ignored? Why should she have been given special treatment?

Given the easy ride she actually got, if this was like the pain of childbirth, she'd had the epidural.

The trouble is, she doesn't seem to understand the reasons why adoption has to be a strict process:

Madonna said she was "happy to be the guinea pig" for Malawian adoptions.

"Hopefully, after we get through this adoption, it will be easier for people to adopt children," she said.

No, Madonna, let's hope not. Let's hope that after this, any celebrities looking for special treatment are given the same difficult, considered process as everyone else.

Malawi says thank you: It's either a child or the muffin basket...

We're a little slack-jawed at the statement attributed to Malawian information minister Patricia Kaliati:

"This country owes her so much. Very few famous people would take their time off to rally other celebrities to raise money for a poor country like Malawi, which very few people know about.

"It will be wrong for Malawi to even dare deny this wonderful woman all the rights to be a parent of David and many more Malawian children."

So the rule of law or worries about doing the right thing for the child - don't worry about that: Madonna did some charity work. Let's give her a kid! In fact, we've got loads of children - perhaps we should make up a parcel of children.

We'd be interested to know (a) how famous you have to be and (b) how much money you have to raise before that becomes more important than the normal rules and safeguards surrounding adoption.