DMX hates on dogs, finds god

Let's be absolutely clear about this: DMX's plans to become a pastor once he's through with jail has nothing whatsoever to do with pretending to be pious to earn parole:

His plan after his release is to move forward with his transition to becoming a pastor. X has long talked about becoming a prominent member of a church. The rapper believes he's been put in his situation to help someone.

"I came here to meet somebody," he said. "I don't know who it is, but I came to tell them that Jesus loves them. To tell them about the glory of God."

Well, not quite, DMX. You came to the prison because you treated animals like chattels and pinched stuff. Unless God's really upped the moving in mysterious ways, of course.

DMX strokes out

DMX had been due in court in Arizona on one of the slew of outstanding cases against him, but instead spent the time in a Florida hospital - apparently suffering from 'fear of a stroke' (as opposed to pulling one, you'd have to presume.) The court date has been rescheduled for Tuesday, assuming DMX doesn't have an attack of 'worrying about pneumonia' or 'panicky feelings over gout'.

DMX tries some of that Alan Shaw fancy talk

How best to win over the judge who is listening to your case? If you;re DMX, you might try a little gentle haggling over the arraignment hearing:

After the judge denied DMX's bond and set his next court date for October 3, the serial arrestee eloquently said, "I ain't coming back on fucking October 3."

The judge made it clear that, actually, he is.

DMX caught

The ever-fascinating world of DMX turns another corner: having failed to turn up to one of his many court dates (this one for drug-related charges in Arizona), DMX got arrested in a WalMart car park. In Miami Beach.

No, Mr. DMX - if that's your real name...

DMX has never really been out of trouble since they started turning up dog corpses at his house, so let's say he's added another garnish of trouble to an already groaning trouble platter. He's been accused of getting hospital treatment under a false name - not his ridiculous stage name, but a third name - Troy Jones - rather than his real name - Earl Simmons.

Given that he's well-known, and can't bend over to pick up the newspaper with the local prosecutor launching a probe, how did he think that would be a good idea?

Trouble dogs DMX again

The last time police popped round to one of DMX's houses, they found a number of dead dogs. DMX's people scratched their heads and expressed surprise, claiming that he was a big animal lover, the 2002 conviction for animal cruelty notwithstanding.

What a surprise, then, to hear of a raid on another of DMX's houses, where police claim they found more evidence of animal cruelty, and drugs, and guns. Last time round, DMX tried to blame it all on the caretaker; this time, as he was in residence, he might need to think of something else.

Indeed, he tried to give himself some thinking time:

The Maricopa County Sheriff's Office said Mr Simmons had initially barricaded himself in his bedroom when officers arrived at his home at 0300 local time, but eventually surrendered without offering further resistance.

His lawyer, though, is pretty bullish about his client's innocence. Not pitbullish, of course, because that would probably end with his body being found in a shallow grave out the back of the house:

Mr Simmons's lawyer, Murray Richman, said he believed evidence did not support the charges of animal cruelty, which has been a major focus of Sheriff Arpaio.

"I think that the animal cruelty is not going to be able to be established and I think that this is Sheriff Joe's moment," he said.

We're sure there's nothing to be read into Richman's decision to say the charge couldn't be established, rather than denying any animal cruelty took place.

DMX's dogs dead

Dead dogs have been discovered at DMX's home by Maricopa County Sheriff's Office, who called round following a tip-off about animal cruelty. Other dogs were taken into care:

[Sheriff Joe Arpaio] Arpaio said the deputies who served a search warrant at the home Friday seized 12 pit bulls tied up on the property and took them to an old jail that has been converted into an animal shelter.

Deputies found the buried dogs when they dug up the back yard. One had apparently been burned and the cause of death on the others was unknown because the bodies were decomposing.

DMX's people are trying to distance himself from badly-treated pitbulls:

Simmons' lawyer, Murray Richman, said Simmons hasn't been in Arizona for at least two months and was "extremely disturbed" to hear the animals weren't being cared for properly.

"We had a caretaker that wasn't taking care, that's what happened," Richman said. "He loves dogs - he loves these animals. Those dogs are practically his family."

So, they're "practically family" to DMX, only he hasn't visited them for over two months and hadn't even checked how they were doing. Presumably he wouldn't treat his mother like that, would he?

Oh, hang about:

In 1999, he was arrested on charges of stabbing and shooting his mother. He was eventually cleared.

In 2002, DMX was convicted of animal cruelty over the condition of 13 pitbulls. It's not clear why he was considered a suitable person to keep animals after this.

DMX dogged by pants dog pants

What's the cost of dignity? If you're DMX, it's just under a quarter of a million dollars - that's how much court has ordered him to pay Amusing Diversions Inc.. DMX had apparently entered into a contract in order to promote the company's dog wear; he seems to have thought better of it, and instead chose not to try and push canine wellingtons and sou'westers and god alone knows what other stuff.

It might have cost him a fair bit, but better, surely, than trying to push caps for pooches on television.

Homorevolution calls out all the pretty rappers

What's being billed as the "first ever tour of gay, lesbian and bisexual rappers" is under way in the States. Not that Deadlee would actually say HomoRevolution is the first tour of gay rappers, just the first under that banner.

He knows what he thinks:

"Eminem was called out for his juvenile, hateful approach to homosexuality, especially in his song 'Criminal'

"He was the biggest rapper at the time and if he used the same song as a diss to Blacks or Latinos, he would probably be dead.

"Eminem likes to pick on the 'weak' but gays aint weak and he might be a fag himself. He knew all the subcultures in that song."

Come on, Eminem with his short cropped bleached hair and constant crotch grabbing dance gay? You'll be telling us DMX is gay next... oh...

DMX was next in the firing line. Objecting to the constant references to "faggots" and "homo-thugs" that pepper DMX's lyrics, Deadlee again went for the jugular:

"I find it crazy when his videos are very homoerotic," said Deadlee. "All the guys kicking it with their shirts off!"

But at least you know where you are with 50 Cent, right? Maybe not - less 50 Cent, more Thirteen Bob Note, reckons Deadlee:

He reserved the most hate for unfathomably titanic G 50 Cent, after he revealed last year that he "ain't into faggots":

"Fuck him. I don't like ignorant bitches around me, so he can suck my gun," retorted Deadlee.

"He is a classic man who had Homo-feelings and chooses to lash out because he is afraid he might act out on his true feelings.

"50 Cent has deep rooted homosexual tendencies."

Actually, Deadlee, we do think it's possible that 50 Cent shouts his mouth off not because he's repressing an innate desire to have a naked bubblebath with The Game, but because he's a homophobic mule-child. But we'd be happy to be corrected on that, especially if there were pictures.

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