Anglican Church Plans to Apologizes to Achan, the son of Carmi, the son of Zabdi, the son of Zerah, from the tribe of Judah

Canterbury, England - The Archbishop of Canterbury, Rowen Williams officially announced today that the Anglican Church would be issuing a posthumous apology on behalf of "all Christians everywhere" to the Biblical character of Achan, the son of Carmi, the son of Zabdi, the son of Zerah, from the tribe of Judah. As the story goes from Joshua chapter 7, Achan, the son of Carmi, the son of Zabdi, the son of Zerah, from the tribe of Judah sinned when Israel entered and conquered Jericho by taking some of the "accursed things" that God had "devoted to destruction." When Achan, the son of Carmi, the son of Zabdi, the son of Zerah, from the tribe of Judah was discovered he, his entire family and all his possessions were stoned and burned.

"We really feel like he got too hard of a punishment," commented Williams. "Who among us hasn't been tempted to steal at one point and time or another. Sure, he deserved to be punished in some way for what he did, but I don't think stoning him and his family was the right thing to do; it was rather extreme in my opinion. Joshua and Israel could have used a bit more discretion."

TBNN was able to obtain a portion of the statement which reads,

"Achan, the son of Carmi, the son of Zabdi, the son of Zerah, from the tribe of Judah: Several thousand years after your death, the Church of England on behalf of all Christians everywhere owes you an apology for misunderstanding you and, by getting our first reaction wrong, encouraging others to misunderstand you still, and for stoning and burning you and your whole family. We try to practise the old virtues of 'faith seeking understanding' and hope that makes some amends for depicting you as a sinner all of these years. We know that the God of the New Testament would not have done such a thing to you."

The full statement is set to be released this Friday.

Episcopal Church Considers Ordaining Straight Male Clergy

Newark, NJ - Representatives of the Episcopal Church USA announced on Monday plans to begin allowing the ordination of straight males within the denomination. The news was received with mixed results within the denomination, but many reacted favorably to the news.

"I personally think it's wonderful," said Rev. Patricia Lauden-Phat-Wilkenson. "It's important that our denomination be seen as one that welcomes people from all walks of life, even straight males. They're no different from any of us really. They just want to serve God, and who are we to say they cannot fulfill that calling because of their gender or sexual orientation."

But while some celebrated the news, others were disappointed in the announcement and are already planning to voice protests.

"It's despicable," said Rev. Allison Porter-House-Nichols. "Our denomination is going to the dogs. If they start allowing the ordination of straight males, who knows what they'll allow next, like freaks who use the Bible."

Porter-House-Nichols went on to further state that she plans to stage a 1 hour "hunger strike" this Friday evening at 11:00PM at her parish in Newark to protest the decision.

"We plan to let those in charge know that we're not pleased with this decision," she stated. "If we need to we'll plan as many of these 1 hour hunger strikes that we need to in order to get our point across."

Editorial: My Math Journey

I've never done too well with numbers. Growing up as a young boy in school, math was always my worst subject. There would be some report cards that I would bring home where I would have good grades in all my subjects except math. This was in contrast to my older brother and father who could do complex calculations and formulas in their heads. I have distinct memories of them sitting around the table developing theorems of probability for mathematical riddles while I listened in confusion. But math just wasn't for me. It was convoluted, too many formulas, numbers, rules and absolutes.

For the longest time I tried to resist my math upbringing. My math teachers tried to convince me telling me things such as, "This is important stuff! What if you're building a bridge that millions of people will cross or if you're trying to fly the space shuttle into orbit. The math needs to be precise and exact or else people could die." I listened to what they said, but I couldn't conceive of a subject so rigid, so demanding that if I didn't follow its rules exactly that people would die. That's not the math I wanted to know. I would ask myself "What kind of cruel subject is this?"

After I graduated from high school I went my own way and departed from the math that I had been raised with. Only occasionally when taxes needed to be done or when I was trying to do a difficult job did I ever think about math. Sometimes at Christmas time when I was buying presents for people I'd think about math to add up how much I had spent. Or even at Easter time I'd think about math when I was trying to figure out how much water to add to the egg dye. But for most of the year I went about my daily life never really considering math. I considered those who relied upon math for their jobs as 'weak-minded.' I would see people like bankers, construction workers, doctors, etc. all using math every day to do their jobs claiming that if they didn't use math people's money would get lost, a building could collapse or someone could get the wrong amount of medicine. To me math was cruel, toying with humanity down through the ages.

After college something happened to me one day that began to make me think about math again. A friend of mine from college, Aaron, invited me out to coffee one Friday evening. We met and talked for a while, and during our conversation he told me about his job as a carpenter. "So you've off and joined up with those math-freaks," I immediately scoffed. For a moment he smiled, but then told me something that I had never heard before. "We do math a little differently where I work," he said. "At our company no one is forced to follow any specific math rules. Everyone is on his or her own math journey, seeking to know what is true about the world of math."

I listened, fascinated for almost 3 hours as Aaron told me about his own personal math journey. "For me, math is what I interpret it to be" he said. "When I go to build a house, I don't even follow plans or blueprints. I just kind of do what feels right, what I think is true. I use no tape measures, no chalk lines, rulers, survey machines, or any of that old stuff. I'm seeking to understand what math means to me."

When our conversation ended I went home that evening with a profound sense of curiosity. For the first time in my life I realized that math didn't have to be this rigid set of rules and regulations. I didn't have to go by the book. Math could be what I made it to be. The most important thing was not whether what added up was right or wrong, but whether I liked it and how it made me feel!

So now I find myself on my own math journey, seeking to discover what math means to me. This has affected almost everything about the way I live from the way I do my taxes, to how I balance my checkbook, pay my bills or even take my daily medicines. It's not so much now about which numbers are right but which numbers Ithink are right. So there are many paths to math, and this is the one I have chosen. It doesn't matter which path anyone else chooses because every path leads to the same place.

California Narcissist Plans to Marry Himself

San Francisco, Ca - A recent ruling by the California Supreme Court rejected the legal definition of marriage as "between a man and a woman." While this news has been overwhelmingly received by gay and lesbian communities, others are also finding reasons to celebrate, like Richard Potter, a self-proclaimed narcissist. Potter, who claims to have been in love with himself for over 10 years, was exuberant upon hearing the news.

"I'm still speechless," Potter told TBNN. "I've been wanting to marry myself for years now. This new decision to not limit marriage to just between a man and a woman finally opens up the door for me to plan that big day that I've waited for so long."

Potter has already started planning his "big day." The ceremony will take place at the Park Street Unitarian Universalist Church on Saturday, June 21st of this year. The sanctuary will be decorated with yellow and white roses. Potter, who will wear a dark grey tuxedo, will exchange vows with himself before a crowd of special friends and family. The wedding will be officiated by Park Street's pastor the Rev. Tricia Kirkwood-Hansen-Smyth.

"I'm so in love with myself it drives me crazy," said Potter. "Sometimes in the morning when I'm combing my hair I just stand there and look at my own face longingly in the mirror and just admire my own beauty. Or at other times I just like to snuggle up with myself on the couch on a rainy evening and watch a movie. Whether I'm cooking dinner, or just having a night out on the town, I'm so happy with me and want to make that known to the world out there by committing myself to myself."

"I think what Rich is doing is a beautiful expression of his love for himself," said Kirkwood-Hansen-Smyth. "We know that self-love is the purest form of love. The Bible says somewhere to 'love your neighbor as yourself' I think. Well, I think Rich, more than many, really gets it. He's making that first and foremost commitment to himself, to love himself for the rest of his life, and then, and only then will he truly be able to love others.

Potter also noted to TBNN that being married to himself will finally allow him to file for extra benefits for his spouse and to be able to file 'Married Filing Jointly' on his taxes each year.

Satire From the Future: Pastor Preaches Gospel

April 3, 2047 - New York, Ny - Many of the members of Southpoint Follower of Jesus Assembly are still in a state of shock and confusion over Sunday's sermon by pastor Richie Hermon. Many are wondering if Hermon, who has been the pastor of SJFA for almost 20 years now, has lost his touch with reality. According to worship participants the service was going fine until Hermon got up to "preach."

"Everything was going along just fine, like it usually does" said member Patrica Kline. "The multimedia worship was wonderful and uplifting. Michael the youth pastor flew in to the service and impressed us with a holographic display. Someone sang a wonderful solo of Your Best Life Now and one of our ladies offered an interpretive dance to the story of the rich man and Lazarus. That was all well and good, but then Richie stood up to 'preach' and everything just went nuts."

As it turns out Hermon decided to stand up when he preached rather than reclining on a couch. This immediately made many people feel imposed upon and uncomfortable. The next thing Hermon did that was so shocking was that he actually had a copy of a Bible with him, opening it and reading from it which people also found dogmatic, close-minded and judgmental. After than he then proceeded to read passages from the Bible, commenting on sections of scripture and making application.

"It was the most bizarre spectacle I've ever seen" said Martin Roberts, a member of SFJA. "We all just sat in our seats shocked and dismayed at what was going on. Richie was up there reading from this book and telling people how to live. He was saying things like 'Only in Christ can we be saved' and 'Our words and deeds reflect what's in our hearts.' We just all felt so judged and looked down upon. I even spilled my beer!"

After the service many threatened to leave. Hermon was unavailable for comment.

California Court Rules "Parents Have No Rights to Raise Their Kids"

Berkeley, Ca - In a shocking turn of events a Berkeley California Court has ruled that parents in the state have no legal rights to raise their own kids. The ruling was handed down on Wednesday by Judge William LaHelm. The ruling comes just weeks after a controversy concerning a law that threatened the legality of homeschooling. Those in support of that law also supported the recent ruling.

"Times are different these days than they were 200 years ago," said LaHelm in his ruling. "It is clear that parents are incapable of taking care of their own children. So many kids are being brainwashed with religious superstition, hate and discrimination against homosexuals, and other nonsense. This is now a job for the government to take care of to ensure the peace and order of our society."

The law has not yet gone into effect, and numerous court battles are expected. But if the law passes parents will be required to deliver their kids to specified locations where they will be taken into the custody of the state.

"If the law takes effect, parents will have one month to get everything together for their kids" said state representative Mary Harrington-Long. "The state will setup special boarding schools where kids will be taught the importance of tolerance, justice and veganism."

TBNN has learned that plans are already on the table for the building of 2200 new boarding schools as well as converting older schools into the new boarding facilities. Children will remain in the schools until the age of 18 when they will be free to leave. During their tenure at the schools they will learn important subjects such as environmentalism, womyn's rights, alternative lifestyles and the best of Cher's music.

"This shows tremendous progress for our great state," said Berkeley City Council member Patrick Winn. "I believe that children are our future, so we need to teach them well and let them lead the way, we need to show them all the beauty they posses inside."

Christian Leaders Ask Congress to "Take Care of Hell"

Washington D.C. - The issue of hell has always been a touching subject for Christians. Some over the years have been accused of focusing exclusively on the issue, often terrifying masses of people into conversions, while others have shied away from the subject even denying the existence of hell altogether. Few, it seems, have preached a balance of God's judgment and mercy together. But recently a new approach has been taken on hell, and a number of prominent Christian leaders from across the country are trying to get the government involved. Their mission: destroy hell completely and then no one can go there.

"Many have tried to escape the hell subject by denying its existence," said Rev. James Hutton, pastor of St. Vincent Episcopal Church in Ceaderville, MD. "While that idea sounds tantalizing, it's just not practical. There's just too much evidence that hell exists, so I must sadly agree that there is such a place. But that doesn't mean we can't do something about it."

Hutton is one of five pastors who testified before a Senate hearing on Thursday to petition the United States government to begin working on a plan to eliminate hell once and for all. The five pastors arrived at the hearing with letters from over 6,000 Christian pastors across the country who want the United States government to handle this issue.

"I think hell is a major security problem for our country," said Rev. Shela Leslie-Pinkerton, of First United Church of Christ, Long Island, New York. "The United States possesses the technology and resources to take care of this problem so that no one will ever be faced with the fear of going to hell again."

The five pastors have proposed a plan of action that includes three basic steps. First, the military will construct devices able to drill down through the earth until hell is reached. Secondly, a series of nuclear blasts will be set off to destroy the overall infrastructure of hell. Finally, hell will be inundated with liquid nitrogen, essentially freezing hell over.

"Once we remove the threat of hell all of humanity will benefit," said Hutton during his testimony. "It will also improve our standing amongst the international community. Just think of how popular we will be for doing this. With hell gone, people will finally be freed from fears of the afterlife to live peacefully and serve each other in love simply for the betterment of the human spirit."

Zondervan Launches the "Whatever Bible"

Grand Rapids, Michigan - Zondervan Publishing announced on Thursday the release of their latest "Bible version" called the "Whatever Bible." The Whatever Bible is unique in that it is not really a "Bible" at all in the strictest sense. Rather, it is a leather-bound collection of 500 blank pages upon which one can write whatever he or shee believes to be true. Zondervan will custom print a title on the front of the "Bible" for no extra charge.

"We believe this will open the Bible market out there to people who wouldn't traditionally be attracted to reading the Bible" said Kurt James, the editor for the project. "Instead of trying to bind people to one belief system, we believe it is important for people to come up with their own thoughts for their faith journey."

According to Zondervan, the Whatever Bible will allow each person who buys it to essentially "write their own" Bible, putting down on paper what they think is most important. This might include passages from the Christian Bible, the Koran or quotes from Buddha. One may also choose to write their own interpretive passages.

Thus far the idea is being received with much acclaim.

"This is what we've been waiting for!" said the Rev. Jacob Edmund, pastor of the First Unitarian Universalist Church of Grand Rapids. "My partner and I who co-pastor the church have always encouraged our members to think freely. Some bring the Bible to church but are not happy with all of it. Some bring the Koran, and other's bring Henry David Thoreau. But now people can write whatever they want into the book and it becomes their personal spiritual guide."

"I've already got mine ordered" said Tara Lynn Penter, member of All Souls United Church of Christ in Grand Rapids. "I can't wait to get it. I'm going to put some Bible quotes in there, but only those happy ones, none of that 'slay the wicked' business. And of course some Koran, got to keep Muhammad happy these days you know. And I've got some quotes from Highschool Musical and Sleepless in Seattle that I know will really inspire me when I read them for years to come."

The Whatever Bible comes in brown or black leather at a cost of $49.95.

Unitarians Welcome "Naked Prophets"

Fort Worth, Texas - The Unitarian Universalist Church has come under fire in the last few decades from most mainline conservatives for what they consider to be "an unwillingness to be remotely Biblical." Recently in an effort to seem more tolerant and open to Biblical Christianity the UUC released a statement saying that they were "making efforts to appear more Scriptural in certain areas." But their latest effort, while supposedly "biblical" is still expected to upset many. The church declared on Tuesday that they would now welcome into their midst, without question, all self-proclaimed "naked prophets."

"We too believe there's a place for Scripture in spirituality" said Rev. Dorris Pinchner. "And when I read Scripture I see two places where prophets went naked."

Pincher is referring to 1 Samuel 19:24 where Saul is said to have stripped off his clothes and prophesied naked, and Isaiah 20:2 where the prophet Isaiah was told to go "naked and barefoot" for three years. While many conservative Christian theologians argue that the word "naked" in these passages probably refers to the removal of only the outer official garments that a king and a prophet would have worn, Pinchner and other's from the UUC beg to differ.

"No, if they want us to obey the Bible, then we're going to do it literally" said Pinchner. "If a naked prophet wants to join our church, then who are we to stop them. The parts of the Bible that we choose to believe, we are going to do so in a very straightforward manner."

While some in Pinchner's congregation have their doubts, most received the news with gladly.

"I hope this will silence our critics out there that are constantly accusing us of not ever being Biblical" said member Judith Zale. "And I think in some ways we'll even be more Biblical than those fundamentalists who are always criticizing us. I mean really how many Southern Baptist churches out there allow naked prophets? Why don't they follow the Bible more literally, huh? Tell me that now!"

"I'm not too sure about this" said another member, Trevor Lake. "I mean, I want to be careful here not to be too critical if this is someone's calling, but I'm not so sure I want someone coming to our church and standing up to prophesy naked. I mean, we've got children in our church for crying out loud."

Still, Pinchner and the other members of the church's leadership are eager to begin this new phase of "Biblicalness" in their church.

"We don't know what's going to happen in the weeks and months and years to come" said Pinchner. "But we are looking forward to the day when a naked prophet will finally feel led to join us. Then people will look at us and say 'Now there's a church that's really following the Bible.'"

Jesse Jackson Calls for "Boycott of Heaven"

Chicago, Illinois - The Reverend Jesse Jackson released a public statement late on Thursday calling for a "boycott of Heaven." Jackson called for the boycott based upon "certain scriptures" that he had apparently "never read before" particularly 1 Corinthians 6:9-10 which reads, "Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived; neither fornicators, nor idolaters, no adulterers, nor effeminate, nor homosexuals, nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God."

Jackson stated in the press release,

"I was shocked, dismayed, stunned and stupefied when I came across these words. I had never seen them before, and they had never come before my eyes. It is imperative, and highly important that we confront such a limiting, and immoral statement as this and take issue with it so that we may approach it and come before it with a spirit of disqualification, dissatisfaction, disappreciation and disassociation."

Jackson went on further to state,

"It is immoral, immaterial, immature and incomprehensible that any place, whether on earth or extraterrestrial or not on earth to make claims of exclusitivity against any people based on who they are or what they done. Heaven is no exception. I call upon all people of conscience to stand against Heaven until such policies of limitation are changed and made different."

In addition to calling for a boycott of Heaven, Jackson has also called for a march on the Mall in Washington D.C. on November 20th calling for "discrimination" to end. As Jackson further states,

"The policies of this administration have only furthered such opinions and caused them to grow. We will pressure Congress and the White House to come out and take a stand against Heaven."

In an interview with Jackson he explained what a boycott of Heaven entails.

"What we are trying to do is show that perhaps a mistake has been made here" said Jackson. "It is highly immoral and wrong for any place to put up barriers and not allow people to come in. Until these discriminatory policies are changed and altered we will not be going there."

A local conservative Anglican pastor in the Chicago area who wished to remain anonymous commented on that statement by saying "If Jackson keeps doing what he's doing then he's got nothing to worry about."

Ahmadinejad Speaks to Unitarian Congregation

New York, New York - The visit of Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has been surrounded by controversy. Since becoming president of Iran in 2005 Ahmadinejad has made statements denying the Holocaust and calling for the destruction of Israel. His recent visit to the United States in order to address the U.N. General Assembly and planned visit to speak at Columbia University has been the focus of many debates. The question as to whether an avowed enemy of the United States and flagrant anti-Semite should be allowed to speak openly at an American University has been questioned by many. But one other public appearance by Ahmadinejad upon his arrival in the United States managed to slip by virtually unnoticed to the public and the entire media, the entire media, that is, except for TBNN.

In an exclusive investigation, TBNN was able to discover that President Ahmadinejad's first speaking engagement upon arriving in the United States on Sunday was at the Baker Street Unitarian Unaversalist Congregation. Ahmadinejad addressed the congregation during their regular Sunday morning "time of gathering."

"I thank you for the opportunity to speak to you today" stated Ahmadinejad. "It is a comfort to know that there are still some left in America who stand for freedom of speech and the right to think and believe according to one's own conscience."

Ahmadinejad spoke for over an hour to the packed house of over 500 people. After he was finished he received a standing ovation from the congregation. At the end of the "service" the entire congregation joined hands with Admadinejad and sang "We Shall Overcome."

While this first speaking engagement of Ahmadinejad's went largely unnoticed, some who were privy to the events ahead of time were "deeply troubled" by his appearance.

"I for one am not pleased" said Evylyn Pietrewlevski, a member of Baker Street. "I understand the importance of diversity and tolerance. I don't want to offend the Iranian people in any way, but I don't think this was the right person to have."

Still, the Rev. Odessa Alma Jennings-Hardworth, pastor of Baker Street, defended the decision to have Ahmadinejad speak.

"We realize that President Ahmadinejad has made some statements which could be considered by some to be intolerant" stated Jennings-Hardworth. "Indeed, that might be true. But one must examine his overall demeanor. While Mr. Ahmadinejad is intolerant towards good things, he is also intolerant of those whom we consider intolerant in even more important matters, namely those of the far-right agenda. So we share a common intolerance of unfavorable intolerance and his intolerance of intolerance far out weights, in my opinion, his intolerance of those things tolerable. If there's one thing we cannot tolerate, it is intolerance, unless a greater intolerance exists towards those with even greater intolerance. I think our motives in having him speak, speak for themselves."

Episcopal Church Proposes Merge with Buddhism. Dali Lama "Rejects" Idea

Bullhead City, AZ - Emotions were high again on Tuesday amongst members of the Anglican Church at large. The reactions from both conservatives and liberals within the troubled fellowship were prompted by the suggestion by Katharine Jefferts Schori, the current presiding Bishop of the United Episcopal Church in America, that the church merge with Buddhism. The statement comes in the midst of controversy among Anglicans worldwide as to whether fellowship with the American branch of Anglicanism should be severed due to pervading liberal trends.

"The similarities between our two religions are striking" said Schori to a congregation during a special service in Bullhead City held in honor of her visit. "I have heard the Dali Lama preach a number of times. I read the words of Confucius, and they strike my soul. Buddhism teaches peace with all life, as does the Episcopal Church. Buddhism teaches respect for all things, as do we. Buddhism teaches love, tolerance and patience, and so do we. In all, I believe it would befit us to explore an avenue of bringing our two religions together into one."

Reactions were strong from both sides of the church.

"This is exactly where Christianity needs to be heading, to Buddhism" stated former Bishop of Newark John Shelby Spong. "In order for Christianity to survive we have to do away with it completely and become Buddhists. All of this Jesus stuff has got to stop."

"Now we understand why more and more faithful believers are seeking to break with the the UEC in America" stated Rev. Roy Lainer, the rector of Trinity Church in Birmingham, Alabama. "There's nothing remotely Christian about the denomination anymore."

While the suggestion caused division amongst an already divided denomination, reactions were heightened with the suggestion to merge was criticized by the Dali Lama himself.

TBNN was able to reach the Dali Lama for an exclusive phone interview concerning the matter. TBNN's own Brother Slawson personally conducted the interview due to his fluency in the Lama's particular Mongolian dialect.

Brother Slawson: "Mr. Lama, or do you prefer to be called Dali or Dali Lama?"
Dali Lama: "My friends call me Georgie, but Mr. Lama will be fine."

Brother Slawson: "Fine, Mr. Lama, what is your response to Bishop Schori's suggestion that the United Episcopal Church merge with Buddhism?"

Mr. Lama: "Spices are fine things. One puts salt on rice and it will not be bland. One may put curry and it will become more flavorful. But too many spices will make the rice inedible."

Brother Slawson: "Um, I see, so let me ask that another way. How do you feel about Bishop Schori's suggestion that Episcopals in America and Buddhists become one."

Mr. Lama: "The flavor of the apple is good. It's sweetness makes one smile. The flavor of the onion is good. But it's sweetness makes one cry. Man must both smile and cry over sweet things, but he cannot do so at the same time."

Brother Slawson: "Ummm...okay. Whose your pick to win the world series?"

Mr. Lama: "Cubs baby. Woo hoo!"

Brother Slawson: "Thank you Mr. Lama."

TBNN attempted to reach Schori for an interview but she was "unavailable" for questions. TBNN will continue to monitor the situation.

Study Shows Average Age of Presbyterians Down to 83

Louisville, Ky - A recent study by the Barna Research Group published this past Friday was good news for the Presbyterian Church, USA. The denomination, which has found itself shrinking over the past decade, has also struggled to attract younger members. But the results of the Barna study revealed that the average age of members in the church is down from 91, in 1997 to 83 in 2006, showing that the church is almost 9% younger than they were ten years ago.

"This is tremendously encouraging news" stated Joan S. Gray, moderator of the 217 General Assembly of the PCUSA. "Our denomination has been striving for change over the past decade, opening new doors, welcoming in new people and promoting tolerance. We value and cherish our elderly, but at the same time the children are the future of our denomination, and new vibrant life is necessary if we are to continue to grow and develop."

But some state that the celebration might be premature. Further investigation into the statistics seems to reveal that the decrease may not be due to a substantial increase in younger members, but a decrease in older members.

"While it looks like progress on paper, what we have here is simply a reduction in the number of older members thus lowering our overall average" stated Rev. Jeff Coolidge, pastor of Trinity Presbyterian Church in Louisville. "If one examines the statistics, one will find that the reason that our average dropped is because almost 92% of members over the age of 85 have died in the past ten years."

A further examination of the statistics have also led some to believe that the decline in the number of older members may be theological.

"With the spiritual and theological decline of our denomination it's no wonder that so many of our older more traditional and conservative members have left" said Jack Miller of the PCUSA's Layman, a conservative voice within the denomination. "So many have just gotten fed up with the liberalism and left."

Still, many are hailing the new statistics as "progress" in the church.

"This is irrefutable evidence that we're headed in the right direction" said Gray. "We hope that by 2015 to bring that number down even further maybe even to 78 or 79."

U.C.C. Congregation Frustrated to Simply Be "Old, Rich and White"

San Francisco, CA - The United Church of Christ has for many years now touted itself as being an "opening" and "accepting" church. The theologically liberal denomination whose motto is "God is still speaking" openly accepts into full church membership gays, lesbians and transgendered persons. The church is also one of only a few to officially sanction and perform same-sex unions, and prides itself in being a "church for everyone," including the poor, minorities, social outcasts, etc. But one U.C.C. congregation in the San Francisco area has been struggling to find its place among the denomination, and recently they have set about on a campaign for diversity.

"The problem is simple" said Rev. Dale Pendergrast, pastor of Bayside United Church of Christ. "We're just a bunch of old, rich, white people. We have no minorities in our congregation. We have no gays or lesbians. We have no poor people. The youngest person in our congregation is 55, and there isn't a person here who drives a car that costs less that $25,000. We are pure vanilla ice cream here."

Pendergrast's frustration has been exacerbated further by the fact that the nearby, conservative, Southern Baptist is more diverse than his own church.

"It's very frustrating" said Pendergrast. "We're supposed to be the church of acceptance and diversity, and here this Baptist church down the street has a sizable African American membership and even a Spanish service!"

TBNN spoke with Elbert Raulston the pastor of the the Baptist Church in question, Trinity Baptist Church.

"We're very diverse here" said Raulston. "Anyone is welcome through our doors, no matter who they are or where they've come from. But we are honest with people though about sin and salvation. We welcome homosexuals to our services, but we tell them that they need to repent of that lifestyle and be saved. And we have some people in our congregation who have come out of that lifestyle. So we model Jesus in that we turn no one away, but we model him also in telling people to 'go and sin no more.'"

But Raulston's theological position only further causes Pendergrast to wonder why his church is not growing more.

"It just doesn't make sense" said Pendergrast. "If homosexuals go to that church they'll be told they have to repent, change, believe everything the Bible says and all that nonsense. If they come here, they can stay just the way they are and keep living however they want. It just doesn't make sense. We're the accepting church. We're the open-minded denomination. We should have more diversity, not some Baptist church."

In an effort to hopefully remedy the church's lack of diversity, Bayside has begun a number of campaigns to hopefully change the makeup of their congregation.

"We're excited about these new campaigns" said Ellen Turner, campaign coordinator. "Each month we have one Sunday we call Bring Someone Gay to the Bay, where we encourage our members to bring someone they know or suspect is homosexual to our service. We've also put up some posters around town inviting people to come, and assuring them that they'll be loved and accepted here. But the one I'm most excited about is our Hip Hop and Don't Stop service that we're holding monthly to attract younger crowds. The whole service is rapped, and Reverend Pendergrast can really break it down for the kids."

"The campaigns, thus far, have failed to yield the diversity that we hoped for" said Pendergrast. "But, to be fair, we've only been trying for two months now. We got really excited just last week because we were pretty sure this one guy who visited our service was gay. But unfortunately he just turned out to be really well dressed. The last I heard he visited Trinity Baptist."

Church Nixes Fourth of July Celebration to Avoid Offending People Who Hate America

CLAYTON, MARYLAND

The First Unitarian Universalist Church of Clayton is taking a new approach to celebrating the fourth of July this year...they are not. The church decided over the course of the last year that, because of the number of people in the world that hate the United States, that they would forgo celebrating her independence for fear of offending anyone.

"We know that so many people in the world hate this country" said the Rev. Linda Thorton-Mitchell. "We don't want to offend people who hate America by celebrating Independence Day. When you think of all that this country has historically stood for, freedom, Christian principals, liberty, etc. it is obvious to see how many people could be offended if we took the time to rejoice in what we have here as a nation."

The first Unitarian Universalist Church is joined also by the first United Church of Christ in Clayton, under pastor Clark LaGrange.

"If we celebrate freedom, we will undoubtedly offend those around the world who hate freedom" said LaGrange. "If we celebrate liberty, then dictatorships will be offended. And let's not forget the British! Think of how many British died because of the Revolutionary War. If we celebrate American independence then we are basically saying to our British friends 'I'm glad you're dead.' We just can't bring ourselves to do that."

The two churches have traditionally had church cookouts and fireworks displays to celebrate Independence Day, but this year the congregations will combine for a new cause they call "Freedom From Intolerance Day."

"There's a new revolution out there today that must be fought" said Thorton-Mitchell. "We must gain our freedom from close minds and intolerance. We must overcome the oppression of unenlightened thinking. Give me homosexual marriage rights or give me death!"

The celebration will include a vegetarian cookout, complete with all organic foods, a dunk Al Mohler booth, and a pin the mouth gag on the fundamentalist game. Instead of a fireworks display to end the evening's festivities revelers will be invited to walk through a meditative labyrinth.

"Together for A Bunch of Other Stuff" Conference to Be Held in 2009

SAN DIEGO, CALIFORNIA

In recent years cooperation between conservative and reformed evangelicals of various denominations has grown. Annual gatherings such as The Shepherd's Conference and Together for the Gospel have brought together names like C.J. Mahaney, John MacArthur, Ligon Duncan and Al Mohler just to name a few. While theological differences do exist between the respective denominations of these contemporary church leaders, the focus of a common bond in the faith has brought a newfound sense of unity to reformed churches across America.

But others outside the realm of conservative reformed Christianity have taken notice of the popularity of such conferences. Recently leaders of various liberal Christian churches from the United States and Canada gathered to discuss holding a conference in 2009 to be called Together for a Bunch of Other Stuff.

Liberal churches, which have seen their memberships dwindle over the past decade, have long searched for ways to slow their decreasing size. The conference in 2009 is designed to be a show of unity between liberal churches in North America with hopes of bringing about a "revival of reconciliation."

"It's a shame that we haven't moved faster on this" said Rev. Mark Anthony Tallis, Rector of St. John's Episcopal Church in San Diego. "For the past ten years I've watched parishioner after parishioner leave our church for these so-called evangelical churches. It's high time that we put aside our differences with these other denominations and start standing together for what's important, that is 'other things.'"

"Gospel, gospel, gospel, that's all we ever hear about from the other side" said Rev. Peter Hawkes of First United Church of Christ in Newport Beach, Florida. "What we need now in the world is love, not all this gospel business about sin and salvation."

The conference will be held in May of 2009 in San Diego and will feature the Rev Canon Gene Robinson, Episcopal Bishop of the Diocese of New Hampshire. Other noted speakers will include the Rev. Cecil Williams, pastor of Glide Memorial United Methodist Church, and the Dali Lama. Representatives from various other denominations will also be present.

"Our goal is to show that we are united for what's really important out there in the world" said Rev. Williams. "We liberal Christians are out to show love, and spread harmony and reconciliation with tolerance towards all."

The cost of the conference is yet to be determined. Entertainment and "worship" music for the conference will be provided by Alanis Morissette.

Unitarians Discover "Real" Reason for Misery in the World

ST. LOUIS, MISSOURI

The question as to how there can be an all-powerful creator of all things and how there can still be suffering in the world has baffled countless people throughout the centuries. Some say that the cause of death, destruction and misery on the planet earth is caused by "sin." Others argue that man is inherently good, and that "sin" is really simply a lack of enlightenment in the human mind. But recently representatives of the Unitarian Church came up with their own explanation - trans-fats, greenhouse gases and the lack of homosexual relationships.

"As we examined history we came to some surprising conclusions" said Rev. Meredeth Causey-Hicks, of The First South Harbor Unitarian Church in St. Louis. "Throughout the centuries there were these common threads that revealed the causes of human misery and suffering. Humans have always been essentially good, but things have crept in that have caused them to do bad things to others."

According to Causey-Hicks the first cause of human misery has been trans-fats.

"The twentieth century was the deadliest century in history," said Causey-Hicks. "And it was also the century that we saw the advent of trans-fats in foods. The connections are indisputable."

The second cause that was discovered was greenhouse gases.

"Recent history has proven that emissions of greenhouse gases have caused more and more human misery over time. Before we started burning fossil fuels to run our machinery the world was a much happier place."

Causey-Hicks explained the final cause of world suffering, and it is probably the most controversial of all; the repression of homosexual relationships.

"The Roman Empire was one of the greatest empires in history," she said. "But it was also an empire that embraced the love between the sexes. When this kind of love is repressed misery and strife invade and intolerance reigns."

As a result of the "research" done by the church, the Unitarian Church now plans to start a campaign to spread the "good news" of ultimate happiness to the world.

"We're so excited now," said Causey-Hicks. "We now know the source of evil in the world, and if we can simply put an end to these three things then we can finally bring lasting peace to this world."

The Riverside Church's New Pastor Makes History

NEW YORK, NEW YORK

The Riverside Church in New York City has been no stranger to controversy over the years. Built in 1930, the church's first pastor, Harry Emerson Fosdick was noted for his liberal theology. Since the days of Fosdick's ministry, the church has continued to espouse and further many theologically liberal views.

Today the church, while considered interdenominational, is affiliated with both the United Church of Christ and the American Baptist Church, and until recently was pastored by Dr. James Alexander Forbes, Jr. But Forbes' recent retirement in December of 2006 brought the need to search for a new pastor. Thus a search committee was formed to find just the right 'person' for the job.

"This church has always been on the cutting edge when it comes to spirituality" said Faye Myers, the head of the pastoral search committee. "We weren't just going to limit our search to white men, or even men for that fact. Whether or not the candidate was gay, lesbian or transgendered made no difference to us. Our search was not about us and our prejudice but about where the spirit would lead us."

Numerous resumes and applications were examined. A number of candidates were called and interviewed until finally the committee just found the right 'person' for the job - Koko the 'talking gorilla.'

Koko, the 36-year-old gorilla, is famous for supposedly being able to communicate with humans through the use of American sign language. Born in 1971, Koko has been taught by her trainer, Dr. Francine Patterson and other scientists to learn over 1000 signs. While some have questioned as to whether or not Koko has truly developed the ability to have independent cognitive thoughts, many herald her accomplishments as a major breakthrough in connecting humanity with its evolutionary past.

Koko's call to become the pastor of Riverside is the first time in history that a non-homosapien has ever been called to 'pastor' a Christian church of any kind.

"We realize that this is going to be considered by some to be unorthodox" said Myers. "But we view this as an opportunity to spread the love of all life. Koko will be able to teach us things about God that a human just couldn't achieve."

Koko glady accepted the call to pastor the church signing the phrase "I for kitten apple, apple, apple, in the sky, apple," which was interpreted by her translator to mean "I gladly and whole-heartedly accept this gracious opportunity to lead this congregation on the pathway of faith." She will preach her first 'sermon' on June 1, 2007. A translator will be present at every service to interpret Koko's sign language, and she will be rewarded with bananas after ever message.

Ugandian Congregation Criticized for "Lack of Racial Diversity"

MBALE, UGANDA

While the Episcopal Church in the United States has come under fire in recent years from Anglican Churches in Africa because of "theological liberalism," the Episcopal Church fired their own accusations back today citing "lack of racial diversity" among African Anglican Churches. One diocese in particular, that of the Mbale region in Uganda, under the direction of bishop Matthias Twinomundjuni, has become the particular target of the criticism.

"These Anglican churches in East Africa have been heavily attacking us for years now." Said the Rev. Elizabeth Gunn-Hughes, of St. Paul Episcopal Church in Charlotte, North Carolina. "Mr. Twinomundjuni has been one of those leading critics, but as the old saying goes, 'People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.'"

The criticism is centered around the fact that there is 'virtually no racial diversity' in Rev. Twinomundjuni's diocese.

"If one examines the Mbale diocese, one finds virtually no persons of other races than black African in the parishes." Said Gunn-Hughes. "I think this is just appalling. They can criticize us all they want, but they're allowed to go merrily along with what they do, ignoring the minorities in their communities."

Twinomundjuni was quick to respond.

"I received a letter from this woman pastor, and I laughed at first, but later realized that she was serious. Anyone is welcome to come to one of our congregations at any time. The only reason we have almost no peoples of other races in our churches is because there are almost no peoples of other races who live in the Mbale region. It is very difficult to get people to come if they don't live in the region."

But Twinomundjuni's defense was dismissed as "double talk."

"He can make excuses, but we make a difference." Said Gunn-Hughes. "We reach out to the marginalized and downtrodden in the Episcopal Church, U.S.A. We don't turn people away from our church because of their race. That's what makes us different."

Robert Schuller Declares "Green Eggs and Ham to be His "Statement of Faith"

GARDEN GROVE, CALIFORNIA

Known for his large and impressive church building, the Crystal Cathedral and his weekly television program The Hour of Power, the Reverend Robert Schuller has achieved world fame over the course of his preaching career. But during that same career Schuller has come under fire for his "lack of firm theological convictions."

"Schuller claims to be from Dutch Reformed roots, yet everything in his theology speaks to the contrary." Said Pastor Mark Horten of Orange Parks Presbyterian Church in Garden Grove. "It would just be nice if he would make some definitive statement of what he actually believes."

So on Wednesday, Schuller did just that.

"They've been pushing me for years now to state what I believe in; to put down on paper in a concrete fashion what defines who I am and what I stand for." Said Schuller. "So I'm going to do that right now. I believe in Green Eggs and Ham."

The extremely popular Dr. Seuss book features a character by the name of Sam I Am who, throughout the book, tries to persuade an unnamed character to eat "green eggs and ham." After numerous refusals the character finally concedes at the end only to realize that he, indeed, likes "green eggs and ham."

Schuller's choice of a children's book as his "personal statement of faith" struck many as "odd." But Schuller refused to further articulate as to what his choice meant.

"I offer no more explanation." Said Schuller. "I believe in Sam I Am, I believe in green eggs and ham."

"This doesn't surprise me one bit." Said Horten. "When you believe in nothing, anything will do."

Other's, though, were less critical of Schuller's "stance for the gospel."

"I think it's wonderful and child-like!" Said the Rev. Elizabeth Hamilton of St. Paul's Episcopal Church in Garden Grove. "The Rev. Schuller's choice of Green Eggs and Ham shows an unwaivering stance for the gospel. What a beautiful picture of simple faith."