My parents are Christians, and did a very kind service to me of sharing Jesus with me from a very young age. I don't remember a time when I didn't love God.
So it's always hard for me when it comes to "testimonies" to find a moment when I "became a Christian". But that is something I treasure rather than worry about. It's actually a special thing, to know Jesus as Lord and Savour and have no memories of him being anything but :)
My first memory of understanding Jesus death on the cross, relates to the song "When I survey". It was my Dad's favourite hymn and he would often sing it to me as a lullaby. I have no idea of the age of this memory (it mustn't have been too big, if I was still being sung to sleep!) but I remember reflecting on one of the verses.
See from his head
His hands, his feet
Sorrow and love flow mingle down
Did e'er such love and sorrow meet
Or thorns compose so richer crown
I remember listening and thinking that when Jesus died, he had a horrible painful crown of thorns. But that crown was the most special crown in the world, because Jesus was dying for me. Jesus died because he loved me.
And so, today, many, many years on, I cry when I sing that verse.
Good Friday indeed.
love Belinda
Showing posts with label Emotions. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Emotions. Show all posts
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Friday, March 25, 2011
Symbolic act
Today, I plan to put on my contact lenses. I haven't warn them since my brother-in-laws wedding in January.
It might seem like a simple thing. I have put contact lenses in many times. It is nothing exciting or special in and of itself.
But it is a big step for me.
You see, when I cry I have to take them out. Not just normal crying- I do that everyday, sometimes sad, often happy. Tears are just part of the hyper-emotional person I am! But when I cry and I cry I can't stop, and my nose runs and my eyes go red, my eye-lids can get infected if I keep the contacts in too long. For too many days of that kind of crying.
Over the summer I couldn't wear my contacts (except for the wedding) because I was crying too much. I was just so sad.
It's not that I'm still not sad about our little baby. I am. I can't stop thinking about him. But I'm no longer falling apart all the time. I'm even sometimes a little bit happy when I think about him and our short time together.
It seems like a big step to put them in. To make a conscious decision to pull myself together.
But I think I'm ready.
love B
It might seem like a simple thing. I have put contact lenses in many times. It is nothing exciting or special in and of itself.
But it is a big step for me.
You see, when I cry I have to take them out. Not just normal crying- I do that everyday, sometimes sad, often happy. Tears are just part of the hyper-emotional person I am! But when I cry and I cry I can't stop, and my nose runs and my eyes go red, my eye-lids can get infected if I keep the contacts in too long. For too many days of that kind of crying.
Over the summer I couldn't wear my contacts (except for the wedding) because I was crying too much. I was just so sad.
It's not that I'm still not sad about our little baby. I am. I can't stop thinking about him. But I'm no longer falling apart all the time. I'm even sometimes a little bit happy when I think about him and our short time together.
It seems like a big step to put them in. To make a conscious decision to pull myself together.
But I think I'm ready.
love B
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
A helpful Quote
One thing I did not expect in my experience of the miscarriage was how much it would affect my self-esteem and particularly my work. I am just so much more fragile and particularly so much more filled with worry about my own capabilities.
I found this quote from "The Reason for God" (a book I really should get around to reading!) and it really helped me put 'myself' into perspective.
"The Christian Gospel is that I am so flawed that Jesus had to die for me, yet I am so loved and valued that Jesus was glad to die for me. This leads to deep humility and deep confidence at the same time. It undermines both swaggering and sniveling. I cannot feel superior to anyone, and yet I have nothing to prove to anyone. I do not think more of myself nor less of myself. Instead, I think of myself less."
Tim Keller.
Love B
I found this quote from "The Reason for God" (a book I really should get around to reading!) and it really helped me put 'myself' into perspective.
"The Christian Gospel is that I am so flawed that Jesus had to die for me, yet I am so loved and valued that Jesus was glad to die for me. This leads to deep humility and deep confidence at the same time. It undermines both swaggering and sniveling. I cannot feel superior to anyone, and yet I have nothing to prove to anyone. I do not think more of myself nor less of myself. Instead, I think of myself less."
Tim Keller.
Love B
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
God's goodness when life is not good.
I've been reflecting on the concept of God's goodness.
I think when something horrible happens it's a natural progression of your mind, but it was sparked off particularly by a facebook comment. A million people (okay, slight exaggeration) have announced in the last month that they are having a baby, many of which are expecting in July when our little one would have been due. This is heart-breakingly hard for us. One of those people commented on facebook when discussing their pregnancy (which had taken a long time to happen) that "God is good".
I really struggled with that at first. The way I thought about it was that this person thought that the evidence of God's goodness was that they had been given a baby. But then the thing I struggled with was- what was the loss of our baby evidence of? Is God good to give one person a child, and not good to take one away from someone else.
One of my teens at church asked me once "Why is it that when something good happen we have to say thanks to God but when something bad happens it's not his fault?". Brilliant question!
Anyway, all these things had been floating around my head a few nights ago when I got to listen to a recording of a talk on Psalm 136- which was all about God's goodness, and how we can think about God's goodness in relation to the hard things in life. Talk about good timing! It really helped me to put together in my head what it means for God to be good, and how to understand hard things.
I think when something horrible happens it's a natural progression of your mind, but it was sparked off particularly by a facebook comment. A million people (okay, slight exaggeration) have announced in the last month that they are having a baby, many of which are expecting in July when our little one would have been due. This is heart-breakingly hard for us. One of those people commented on facebook when discussing their pregnancy (which had taken a long time to happen) that "God is good".
I really struggled with that at first. The way I thought about it was that this person thought that the evidence of God's goodness was that they had been given a baby. But then the thing I struggled with was- what was the loss of our baby evidence of? Is God good to give one person a child, and not good to take one away from someone else.
One of my teens at church asked me once "Why is it that when something good happen we have to say thanks to God but when something bad happens it's not his fault?". Brilliant question!
Anyway, all these things had been floating around my head a few nights ago when I got to listen to a recording of a talk on Psalm 136- which was all about God's goodness, and how we can think about God's goodness in relation to the hard things in life. Talk about good timing! It really helped me to put together in my head what it means for God to be good, and how to understand hard things.
A few reflections:
-God is the king of all things good. Because he made this world good and every good and perfect gift comes from him- then it is right to respond to happy and good things by remembering- "oh that's right, God is good".
-The world is a mess because of sin. While God is not out-of-control of the bad things, he is not morally responsible for them. Therefore, the bad things that happen don't negate God's goodness.
-God's goodness is seen in what he has done. He has made this world good. He has looked after his people. And most importantly, he has sent his son to die for us. All these things are constant signs of his goodness that we need to hold onto when life is not good. We have powerful evidence of his goodness in the cross.
-God's love is steadfast (Psalm 136 repeats the refrain- his love endures forever). When I feel like God is not being loving or good at the moment it is helpful to hear that he doesn't change. The same love that he had for me when he sent his son to die for sin is the same loyal love he has for me right now in this pain.
The truth is, in my life (quite the opposite of what my teenage friend said), when good things happen I tend to not thank God, and when bad things happen I blame him. When in reality all good things in my life are a sign of his goodness, and the problems and hard things are as a result of human sin. And yet God in his amazing sovereign way is in control of it all and is able to take bad and use it for good.
So yes- when a friend who has been trying for a while gets pregnant- she is right to say "God is good".
When my husband very patiently loves me through this time of depression and doubt- that is God showing his love for me. That is God's goodness. When I have a particularly good ice-cream, or when Tim's brother has a lovely wedding, or when I survive a day that I didn't think I could. That is God showing his love for me. That is God's goodness.
And the fact that God can look at this rebellious child who is so mad at him and still love her and send his son to die for her?
That is God's goodness.
love B
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
What to say?
I've been reflecting quite alot on every one's reaction to our sad news.
One of the most common comments is "I don't know what to say". I think part of that is that people don't know what to say that might help or might make us feel better. But the truth is- from my experience anyway- I really appreciate people saying something, even if its just that.
It's funny because I look back and I realise that most people I know who have miscarried, I have heard second hand, and didn't actually contact them and say something. Now I wish I had.
We love our baby. And we are really hurting. And it's great having people acknowledge that, acknowledge that he was important and therefore our pain is natural and right. I want to talk about it, and appreciate people giving me freedom to process with them.
Some people did the "Don't worry, you'll get pregnant again, then this won't matter". I know what people are trying to do (make us feel better about the future), but I don't want that to be true! I want my baby to still be important even if (God willing) we do have a baby who lives longer than 9 weeks. So rather than down-playing what has happened, I'd rather people let us be sad.
One of the most comforting things has been people sharing their own stories. I feel like there are all these extra kids that I never even knew existed, who are still precious to their parents and are now precious to me too. I look forward to going to heaven and meeting them all.
Thanks for all your prayers. I'm still really struggling to cope with everyday life and I need God's help so desperately. It seems like every time I start feeling better something happens or I hear some news which just floods me again with the "why, why, why". Please keep praying for me.
love B
One of the most common comments is "I don't know what to say". I think part of that is that people don't know what to say that might help or might make us feel better. But the truth is- from my experience anyway- I really appreciate people saying something, even if its just that.
It's funny because I look back and I realise that most people I know who have miscarried, I have heard second hand, and didn't actually contact them and say something. Now I wish I had.
We love our baby. And we are really hurting. And it's great having people acknowledge that, acknowledge that he was important and therefore our pain is natural and right. I want to talk about it, and appreciate people giving me freedom to process with them.
Some people did the "Don't worry, you'll get pregnant again, then this won't matter". I know what people are trying to do (make us feel better about the future), but I don't want that to be true! I want my baby to still be important even if (God willing) we do have a baby who lives longer than 9 weeks. So rather than down-playing what has happened, I'd rather people let us be sad.
One of the most comforting things has been people sharing their own stories. I feel like there are all these extra kids that I never even knew existed, who are still precious to their parents and are now precious to me too. I look forward to going to heaven and meeting them all.
Thanks for all your prayers. I'm still really struggling to cope with everyday life and I need God's help so desperately. It seems like every time I start feeling better something happens or I hear some news which just floods me again with the "why, why, why". Please keep praying for me.
love B
Thursday, June 17, 2010
The fog lifts
It started with the Roses. It always does.
I didn't realise it at the time. But as I walked towards the office I looked up and there they were. The Roses. Bobbing away in the breeze, under a sky which had been blue for days. They were always there. But on Wednesday, I saw them. I hadn't seen them for weeks.
It wasn't what I would call an easy morning. There was lots to do, and lots of conversations to be had. My throat was tired and after singing and story telling and entertaining I was ready for a nap, not for work. But I grabbed myself some lunch and sat down at my desk.
I sat at my computer for around 30 minutes. Not working. I can't do this. I just can't do this. I thought to myself. Not just that I can't do the work that I knew needed to get done. I meant I can't do this job. I'm no good at it. It's too hard. I can't do this and life and everything else. I can't do this.
Just one email. I told myself. Send one email and then you will feel better.
So I sent one. And then I sent another. And then I opened up a document and starting listening what we would do at the Kids Club training day.
That actually sounds pretty good I thought to myself.
I kept working. I thought about Kids Club and all the great things that would happen. I thought about Scripture and Bible study. It was good. It was work. But it was good. And I was too busy doing it to tell myself that I couldn't.
Even then I didn't know.
It was this morning. The roses aren't the only sign for me. As I went for my walk I started singing. Singing in my head. Lolling along Glebe Point Road singing a song in my head. I had sung, I had listened to songs, I had even had them stuck in my head. But not this "I'm happy so I will sing" that I found myself in for the first time in weeks.
That's when I realised.
The fog had lifted.
When your feeling depressed and you loose your confidence, you don't always know what's going on. You know that it's happening, but you don't see the way that it creeps into every aspect of your life and colours it grey.
But when the fog goes away, when God in his kindness and wisdom helps you think true helpful thoughts and not negative lies.
The sky clears.
And you see the roses.
love B
I didn't realise it at the time. But as I walked towards the office I looked up and there they were. The Roses. Bobbing away in the breeze, under a sky which had been blue for days. They were always there. But on Wednesday, I saw them. I hadn't seen them for weeks.
It wasn't what I would call an easy morning. There was lots to do, and lots of conversations to be had. My throat was tired and after singing and story telling and entertaining I was ready for a nap, not for work. But I grabbed myself some lunch and sat down at my desk.
I sat at my computer for around 30 minutes. Not working. I can't do this. I just can't do this. I thought to myself. Not just that I can't do the work that I knew needed to get done. I meant I can't do this job. I'm no good at it. It's too hard. I can't do this and life and everything else. I can't do this.
Just one email. I told myself. Send one email and then you will feel better.
So I sent one. And then I sent another. And then I opened up a document and starting listening what we would do at the Kids Club training day.
That actually sounds pretty good I thought to myself.
I kept working. I thought about Kids Club and all the great things that would happen. I thought about Scripture and Bible study. It was good. It was work. But it was good. And I was too busy doing it to tell myself that I couldn't.
Even then I didn't know.
It was this morning. The roses aren't the only sign for me. As I went for my walk I started singing. Singing in my head. Lolling along Glebe Point Road singing a song in my head. I had sung, I had listened to songs, I had even had them stuck in my head. But not this "I'm happy so I will sing" that I found myself in for the first time in weeks.
That's when I realised.
The fog had lifted.
When your feeling depressed and you loose your confidence, you don't always know what's going on. You know that it's happening, but you don't see the way that it creeps into every aspect of your life and colours it grey.
But when the fog goes away, when God in his kindness and wisdom helps you think true helpful thoughts and not negative lies.
The sky clears.
And you see the roses.
love B
Sunday, May 9, 2010
God is good to me
It's been a bad week.
Which is funny really.
Because it's been a good week.
Playgroup was great.
Bible study was great.
Scripture was great.
There aren't things that have been going wrong. It's me. I've been going wrong. I've been struggling and working away, not having the energy to battle my usual discontentment and other related sins. And so I just let them grow. It was also a busy week, and I wasn't getting the rest I need.
When organising last Saturday I made the momentous error (for the second time!) of putting our Youth group sleepover on the same time as Equip- a women's ministry conference I take a group of church too. Stupid!
I kind of figured Equip would be pretty refreshing. And it was. But it was also very emotional.
There was a talk on Envy.
I think I've mentioned before that envy is something that I really struggle with.
One women during the conference described the talk as like being placed on an operating table and then "poke, poke, poke".
It was so helpful. But very confronting
One of the big things that was emphasised is that while Envy is obviously about other people, in many ways for Christian it boils down to our relationship with God.
Why is God kinder to her than to me?
It is that unhelpful idea that we sometimes have that God has a certain amount of "goodness" that he has to give people. Limited blessing. And when she is going well, and I am going badly, it's because God has decided to give his good to someone who isn't me.
But God is not like that.
God is infinitely good and generous.
And not only is God good.
He is good to me.
Me.
He is good to me even when my situation is not good.
He is good to me even when my heart is not in the right place.
He is working all things out for my good whether I like how he's doing it or not.
Ironically since the talk, with my lack of sleep, and a few other things, I've been overwhelmed with envy.
But now at least with God's help I'm fighting it. With these words.
God is good to me.
God is good to me.
love B
Which is funny really.
Because it's been a good week.
Playgroup was great.
Bible study was great.
Scripture was great.
There aren't things that have been going wrong. It's me. I've been going wrong. I've been struggling and working away, not having the energy to battle my usual discontentment and other related sins. And so I just let them grow. It was also a busy week, and I wasn't getting the rest I need.
When organising last Saturday I made the momentous error (for the second time!) of putting our Youth group sleepover on the same time as Equip- a women's ministry conference I take a group of church too. Stupid!
I kind of figured Equip would be pretty refreshing. And it was. But it was also very emotional.
There was a talk on Envy.
I think I've mentioned before that envy is something that I really struggle with.
One women during the conference described the talk as like being placed on an operating table and then "poke, poke, poke".
It was so helpful. But very confronting
One of the big things that was emphasised is that while Envy is obviously about other people, in many ways for Christian it boils down to our relationship with God.
Why is God kinder to her than to me?
It is that unhelpful idea that we sometimes have that God has a certain amount of "goodness" that he has to give people. Limited blessing. And when she is going well, and I am going badly, it's because God has decided to give his good to someone who isn't me.
But God is not like that.
God is infinitely good and generous.
And not only is God good.
He is good to me.
Me.
He is good to me even when my situation is not good.
He is good to me even when my heart is not in the right place.
He is working all things out for my good whether I like how he's doing it or not.
Ironically since the talk, with my lack of sleep, and a few other things, I've been overwhelmed with envy.
But now at least with God's help I'm fighting it. With these words.
God is good to me.
God is good to me.
love B
Monday, April 12, 2010
Knowing myself
One of the keys I've found so far in surviving the full-time (or almost full-time) ministry life is knowing yourself.
On Sunday night we got back from Kyck- a fantastic youth convention. I spent much of the weekend driving around with and hanging with three girls from our youth Bible study. It was great fun and a huge blessing- and encouraging to see them all struggling with the Bible and what it had to say about Life and what really mattered. I nearly went deaf with the volume of music they insisted on in the car, and didn't sleep very much- but my only tears from the weekend were tears of joy as a reflected on the amazing God that I serve.
Knowing myself, I knew that after that kind of weekend, after that kind of intense, crazy, happy adrenaline I was going to have a crash day.
It's today.
I'm sitting at work, on my lunch break. I feel like I can't do anything. I feel like there is no way that I'm going to get through the term ahead. I feel like I can't possibly fill all the Sunday School teacher/helper spots. I feel like its all going to crash around me. Even the weekend with all its blessings seems to be not quite as good as I first imagined.
One of the things that was talked about on the weekend is the fleetingness of life. I came away inspired to make the most of the life I have left. To make it count.
I woke this morning. I didn't want to make it count. I just wanted to sleep in and be miserable!
But I know what I feel is not true.
I know that God in his goodness will provide.
I know I will survive.
Today is my down day.
And knowing that helps me to keep it together.
love B
On Sunday night we got back from Kyck- a fantastic youth convention. I spent much of the weekend driving around with and hanging with three girls from our youth Bible study. It was great fun and a huge blessing- and encouraging to see them all struggling with the Bible and what it had to say about Life and what really mattered. I nearly went deaf with the volume of music they insisted on in the car, and didn't sleep very much- but my only tears from the weekend were tears of joy as a reflected on the amazing God that I serve.
Knowing myself, I knew that after that kind of weekend, after that kind of intense, crazy, happy adrenaline I was going to have a crash day.
It's today.
I'm sitting at work, on my lunch break. I feel like I can't do anything. I feel like there is no way that I'm going to get through the term ahead. I feel like I can't possibly fill all the Sunday School teacher/helper spots. I feel like its all going to crash around me. Even the weekend with all its blessings seems to be not quite as good as I first imagined.
One of the things that was talked about on the weekend is the fleetingness of life. I came away inspired to make the most of the life I have left. To make it count.
I woke this morning. I didn't want to make it count. I just wanted to sleep in and be miserable!
But I know what I feel is not true.
I know that God in his goodness will provide.
I know I will survive.
Today is my down day.
And knowing that helps me to keep it together.
love B
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