Party- the low down.

I'm sure you're all dying to hear about how the party went and I only wish I was able to tell you with any degree of certainty.

Unfortunately my funny story telling abilities are hampered somewhat by just how trashed I got, but I'm pretty sure a good time was had by all (especially me).

These are my top funny party moments (though some are funnier in hindsight and some are more cringe worthy)

1) Steve in silver boots

Having size 6 feet is often problematic for Steve. In most situations it's because shops just don't start their men's ranges from such a tiny size. At parties- it's because women all insist on him wearing their shoes. At one stage I remember Steve staggering into my bedroom wearing brown knee high furry boots and the next thing I know, he's wearing some metallic silver pointy knee highs with silver heels. He always pretends he hates it, but I recall him posing for some dubious pictures. Keep an eye on face book for these.

2) Pseudo lessie behaviour

Do you think perhaps it might have been a boy who suggested it was a good idea for all us girls to compare the colours of our nipples whilst kissing and being photographed? Hmmmmmm, I would have thought so. It's a good job we were sober enough to tut and cast our eyes to heaven and pull our tops up to our chins shaking our heads disapprovingly. Yes, this IS what happened. As Lindsey said, let's hope none of us ever become famous, put it this way, we won't be applying for any reality TV shows too smartish. Although we'd be bloody good in them.

3) Lindsey and the album

I found Lindsey on her bed with a tortured looking little brother by her side. She was thumbing through old albums talking in detail about every last shot and explaining EXACTLY how she felt about them. Her little brother was trying so hard to make appropriate comments and not look ridiculously bored. She then told him she'd seen him with an erection- embarrassing sister, eat your heart out.

4) Fireworks

Despite being a very budding and talented illustrator, our confidence was not 100% invested in Matt Ox's ability to create a seamless and safe fireworks display. In fact, at 11pm, when we all gathered on the pavement and peered up at the roof terrace the rockets which peeked over the top reminded me of sniper's guns and I was all too aware that there was a VERY good chance that we could well be in the line of fire. Thankfully it was all fine, and Matt got to blow up some things which kept him happy. Lots of the fireworks shot over into trees so we couldn't see them from the pavement, but they made very loud bangs, and let's face it, that's all that really matters.

5) The copper

Ok, so inviting a copper to a house party isn’t the first thing that springs to mind, but he's a very good old friend of mine and luckily he was easy to pick out with his short back and sides and stripy shirt. Whilst he tried very hard to be cool about the debauchery others didn't do quite as good a job reciprocating. In fact at any one time I think there was a good 2 metre gap around him and I could sense lots of paranoia and gossiping. Thankfully he left at midnight before it all got very out of hand.

6) The lost voice

Where ever Laura goes, men fall in love with her and my party was, of course, no exception. By the end of the night, she'd done so much chattering, smoking and social butterflying, she came bursting into my room, flung herself on the bed and tried to talk and only high pitched squeals and screeching came out. We promptly administered more booze and fags and she was fine.

7) The Phantom smearer

We've all seen it in public loos, but yes, it was on show in the downstairs bathroom. Someone had taken it upon themselves to smear poo on the wall next to the toilet. When I told Steve he said to me that we should be pleased that there were no white hand towels in the bathroom- needless to say at a recent party he'd attended someone had taken it upon themselves to wipe their bottom on the hand towel and leave behind all kinds of evidence. Apparently we got away lightly. It didn't feel like it yesterday morning with a stinking hangover and a jay cloth trying not to gag.

8) Sam's tights

Sam managed to get dishevelled very rapidly throughout the party and at one point looked very much like her and her tights had had a very nasty encounter with a bramble bush. Perhaps it was just that Gavin couldn't contain himself, but at the end of the evening, she rather flamboyantly declared they were coming off and they did- with legs flailing and a' kimbo. Marvellous.

I'm sure there was much more, but I'll need to see some pictures first to jog my memory.

I lost a £25 Marks and Spencer's voucher, some green beads, some shoes and all of my weed. Very annoying. Thankfully Sam had all but one of these things. Hurrah! Steve managed to misplace £50, which wasn't so helpfully returned. What a wally.

A massive thanks in particular to all the Brighton contingent who made a huge effort to come all the way from the seaside, it meant so much to me....and I can't believe you all went home at 5am....nutters! To Jonathan- I'm so gutted you missed out on the fun, you would have had a blast- next time.

Tube games

On the occasional days where Steve and I journey into work together on the Northern Line (like this morning) I like to play one of several little games to amuse myself during the 5 stop ride.

When we get on the tube, we’re normally in a morning fuzzy headed mood, and neither of us are particularly animated. In fact, you’d be hard pushed to even place us as a couple given the lack of communication. Steve will sit and whizz through his blackberry, saving up a back log of messages to send when he hits ground level. I’ll listen to some inappropriate rap music and feel young again for 10 minutes and we happily ignore each other. This is all well and good and none of our commuting compadres have any clue that we’re a couple.

The fun bit comes when it’s time for either Steve or I to get off. What we have honed to a fine art is the practice of the dramatic goodbye kiss. This comes out of the blue, and is delivered without any chat, just a lunge coupled with a full blown smacker on the lips and then…gone.

The look of surprise on people’s faces is priceless as they try and work out whether I’ve just been assaulted and they should be chasing after Steve, or whether they’ve witnessed love at first sight. Responses have ranged from ‘Do you know him?’, to jaws hitting the floor and general disgust at such an overt PDA.

The other extremely childish thing I enjoy doing is the copy game. This only really works when we end up in seats directly opposite each other and involves- you guessed it- me copying everything Steve does. Try it. I guarantee within a couple of minutes you’ll both be in hysterics crying with laughter, either that or one of you will have a black eye (this was the inevitable outcome when I used to play the copy game with my big brother- and on one occasion a nose bleed). It’s brilliant as fellow tube passengers can’t help but cotton on and have a giggle as well.

Lets face it, everyone with a sibling played the copy game at some point in their lives, so why not at 29 years old, during rush hour?

How about we all try doing it with a stranger on our next public transport journey and collate all of the reactions?*

*the author of this blog is not liable in any way shape or form for any grievous bodily harm inflicted as a result of the copy game, play at your own risk.

The handbag guide.

When a girl receives a new handbag she is faced with a whole host of difficult decisions about where to place things. Many men wouldn’t recognise that this is a matter of real importance but it’s something which must be given proper consideration. No smirking please.

Below is the guide to placement of key handbag items, in order of importance:

1) Wallet

The wallet is your most precious material possession. It must be kept secure and safe, but be able to be whipped out faster than a cowboy shouts ‘draw’. Instant access to your wallet prevents silly pointless time consuming contemplations such as:

‘Can I really afford to buy this new pairs of boots?’

Equally however, thought must be given to those occasions when you really would rather not be paying. At these times, the wallet must be deep enough within the inner sanctum of the bag so as to allow for genuine fumbling and a look of sorrow and confusion as you dramatically ‘give up’. Most times in the company of boys this will get you off the hook. If you’re with your boyfriend then yes, the occasion extra favour may have to be granted- you don’t have to actually deliver all the time. It’s a numbers game.

2) Mobile

Speed is of the essence, you need to be able to answer your calls with break neck efficiency. You also need to be able to grab your phone for texting in any moments of boredom or where you risk looking like a loser, i.e when you’re being kept waiting in a pub, or on a street corner (try to avoid this at all costs). My phone is currently nestled with my wallet within the bosom of the bag, but I think it needs some re-assessment. My lunchtime experience in Marks and Spencers proved unequivocally that this coupling simply won’t work- trying to grab my phone and my wallet stubbornly blocking my path simply won’t do. I think that my pocket is going to have to do for now.


3) Ipod

The essential accompaniment for the modern day strut. If you want to maintain your bounce down the street it’s very important you have the correct tunes to help you on your way. Equally if you’re being a miserable, self absorbed harridan you must be able to put on some misery inducing crap in one fell swoop (Tracy Chapman is rather good for this). The ipod is much further down on your list of treasured possessions- you have your laptop for back up and let’s face it; long before it gets nicked its battery life will dwindle into nothingness. This means you can afford to have this somewhere without any real security. In my case I have a lovely side pocket with no zip for easy lunge and play access.

4) Keys

This is a tough one- you need them to be tucked away somewhere safe, but on the occasions where you are arrive at your front door with someone else who also has a set, you need to be able to do enough scrabbling so that by the time you find your keys, the door is already open and in you go, voila! If you’re drunk then you’ll rely on shaking your bag to locate your keys so make sure they are in a place where some shaking won’t allow them to fall out. If you’re really drunk, you might not notice and then you face a night on the cold front door steps.

5) Grooming items

This includes the following: hair straighteners, hair brush, mirror, lip gloss, back up make-up bag, a pair of flip flops in summer or flats in winter. Why? High heels are a girl’s best friend as we all know, especially for those of us who are vertically challenged and tend towards podgy leggedness. However no-one looks good with a scrunched up ‘ouch’ face, so do try and carry some spares just in case of blisters, broken heels, or impromptu distance walking. Ideally, bags should have a hidden rather large compartment to house all of these grooming items. To the outside world you appear to seamlessly maintain a highly manicured appearance whilst only carrying a wallet, keys and your ipod. Marvellous! No-one needs to know that you’d look like Aunt Sally within an hour if you were to lose the bag.


So boys, if you ever ask your girlfriend to carry for wallet, passport, sunglasses, camera and you’re met with a frosty reception then you know why. The handbag is a finely honed female assisting device- without it we’re just skin, teeth, bones and hair. I think you’ll agree, not a pretty prospect.