so long time no post...

So I have not fallen off the face of the earth.
I have just fallen in to the business of life.
I do have every good intention of blogging again soon.
Lots of things to think and write about.
...and I will write about them soon.
However right now my Greek class is kicking my butt and so I must go study.

Skakes

it was always your smile

It was always your smile and warmth that brought me back to you when things were rough. But when I became the reason your smile had faded and your warmth had left I knew I had no time left...

There is a part of me that wishfully thinks that things could have been different...

There are times I wish I would have never been as vulnerable over the last two months when I knew deep down somewhere that you were just finished with "us"...

I wish there was a part of me that could believe I could fall out of love with as much abandon as I fell into it...

I wish I could say that I wasn't hurt or that I wouldn't be for much longer...

I wish I could just forget what had happen or for that matter what didn't.

I wish I could believe that falling out of love with you would be as much of a choice as people make it out to be.

I wish you could have seen just how hard I had been working at things in the last month.

Most of all I just wish you would have realized just how genuine I was, how much I cared about you, and how much of "me" you had gotten wrong over the last 2 months.

But as much as I wish I know none of the above matters much now. I have to realize that I could have never been who or what you needed...and even though I tried you never would have given me that chance anyway. I guess sometimes when you really love someone you just have to let them go...as hard as that is.

Skakes

"Never regret anything you have done with a sincere affection; nothing is lost that is born of the heart" - Basil Rathbone

Rough month...
Rougher weekend...
But this afternoon at 5:20pm I had an epiphany that allowed me to move past all the hurt and pain of the days prior. The personal doubt I had been allowing to brood over the last 1.5 months is gone and that has allowed me to see myself the way others always have. I am thankful for many things...but mainly God, My family, and my friends. Couldn't have made it without you.

This still hurts but not nearly as much as I had thought it would...I am glad for my new outlook and am excited to reconnect with numerous people and new activities!

skakes

Purity and Danger By Mary Douglas - aka totally awesome social anthropologist with feminist undertones and a knack for religion.

I can't even convey how excited my inner geek was when I was able to find this book and read it. So excited that I am now writing a paper about it. A paper which I am stoked for but fear that I may run out of time to do what I want with it.

hmmm...

Perhaps I should get off here and pay more attention to Mary...

Skakes

I think a lot of things in my life have finally started to come in to focus for better or worse.

Things that are causing me much anxiety.
Things that I thought I was ready for...
but as it turned out...
I was not.
Things that I have had a longing for in my heart...
Prayers that are finally beginning to be answered.
Prayers that seemingly go ignored.
Things that have caused me to grow personally in accelerated ways.
Things that have made me realize the lies I have come to believe.

Yet in the midst of these things God is faithful and has provided people that have immeasurably enriched my life. People that have truly listened, accepted me, and not offered quick fixes, but enough love to tied me over until a time when a solution could be found. People that have lifted me up and dusted me off and sent me back on my way. People that have allowed me the ability to believe in myself again and believe in the dreams God has placed in my heart. People that have allowed me to become the truest version of myself...the version I know God has always seen but that I have not fully embraced up until this moment.

"The Road goes ever on down from the door where it began. Now far ahead the road has gone , and i must follow, if i can, pursuing with eager feet, until it joins some larger way." - Tolkien

Needless to say...I have a lot going on. I am immeasurably excited for summer and all it entails. Mainly rest.

Skakes

Then he was told, "Go, stand on the mountain at attention before God. God will pass by." A hurricane wind ripped through the mountains and shattered the rocks before God, but God wasn't to be found in the wind; after the wind an earthquake, but God wasn't in the earthquake; and after the earthquake fire, but God wasn't in the fire; and after the fire a gentle and quiet whisper.
-1 Kings 19:11-12

"I grew up on a farm. We learned that there was a season to plant, a season to water, and a season to harvest. The plating and watering could be laborious, but without those stages, there would never be a harvest"
-John Wooden, UCLA coaching legend.

God has always acted in the stillness and quietness of my life.

Moments when I least expected it...
Moments when I least deserved it...

Yet God has always been faithful. I have known this to be inexplicably true in my life.

Why then am I so surprised to hear God's still small voice...
Why then do I choose to doubt His timing...

These things I will never know...

These things I will never understand...

However what I will forever be thankful for is that God continues to meet me.

Meet me exactly where I am...
Meet me when I have nothing to show...

He extends His hand in grace and peace lightly laughing and smiling saying...

"You still don't understand...I love you. Nothing can take that way. It's not yours to earn, it's not yours to buy, it's mine to give and I choose to give it freely. You are my child. Fearfully and wonderfully made. I knew you before the beginning of time. Trust and know that you will never be outside of my grace...never outside of my peace. I love you"

Skakes

Holy Sonnet

John Donne
Holy Sonnet X:

Death, be not proud, though some have callèd thee
Mighty and dreadful, for thou art not so;
For those whom thou think'st thou dost overthrow
Die not, poor death, nor yet canst thou kill me.
From rest and sleep, which yet thy pictures be,
Much pleasure, then from thee much more, must low
And soonest our best men with thee do go,
Rest of their bones and soul's delivery.
Thou art slave to fate, chance, kings and desperate men
And dost with poison, war and sickness dwell,
And poppy or charms can make us sleep as well
And better than thy stroke; why swell'st thou then ?
One short sleep past, we wake eternally,
And death shall be no more; death, thou shalt die.

My deep love for John Donne's Holy Sonnet's was born in my 1st year English class. There is a beauty in the way he describes the deepest fears of the human soul and yet at the same time is able to bring light out of the darkness of these same fears. My love for this poem in particular occured when I watched the film addapted play "Wit". In the play a Donne Scholar is diagnosed with stage 4 ovarian cancer and chooses to treat it quite intensely. This poem echos throughout her journey in the film and creates some very personal haunting moments. I can hear the last two lines ringing in my ears as clear as ever today.

One short sleep past,
we wake eternally,
And death shall be no more;
death,
thou
shalt
die.

Skakes