Generally I stay away from dramas. I have enough of it already I suppose. Today I bought extremely loud and incredibly close. I'm watching it and I have no idea how to comprehend it, I think I just needed an excuse to cry.
I googled I miss my babies. Not very impressive results unfortunately. Way to go google. Maybe try yahoo next time.
We had a beautiful weekend. Time with friends and each other last night. Just the three of us today. J has been working so so hard but he stayed home all day. We had an impromptu shopping trip and went out to dinner. I breathed the scent of our family and tried to will it into being Enough.
I've never been one to do one thing at a time, I used to crochet or read a book, now I play on my phone which requires too much of my concentration and I miss the movie I bought so it wouldn't be pathetic to have feelings leak from my eyes.
The kid on this movie is stressful. How in the world could this end happily?
Sunday, September 30, 2012
Saturday, September 29, 2012
Saturday Satire.
This came from here. http://www.myspacebulletins.com/takesurvey.php?id=83
1. Who was the last person of the opposite sex you laid in a bed with?
My husband.
2. Where was the last place you went out to eat?
Subway.
3. What was the last alcoholic beverage you consumed?
A very strong screwdriver.
4. Which do you prefer - eyes or lips?
Eyes to get lost in, lips to kiss.
5. Medicine, fine arts, or law?
Shit I'm not good at any of those. Ummm, fine arts. I'll throw pots again.
6. Best kind of pizza?
Hawaiian with mushrooms light to no sauce. Mmmmm..pizza....
7. Is your bedroom window open?
No.
8. What is in store for your future?
Shit if I know.
9. Who was the last band you saw live?
Some random one at the bar.
10. Do you take care of your friends while they are sick?
Not really, we're kinda far from each other.
11. What is your favorite soda?
Coke zero.
12. How many songs are on your iTunes?
I don't have an iTunes.
13. When was the last time you purchased something over 0?
How does one purchase something for under 0? Wednesday.
14. Where is the last place you drove to?
Home from the store.
15. Are you experienced?
Hahaha!! Sexually? Yes. In a marketable job skill? No.
16. Any historical figures that you envy?
Ummm, not really.
17. What brand of digital camera do you own?
iPhone.
18. When was the last time you got a good workout?
The night before last. I worked out last night with the wussy video.
19. If you need a new pair of jeans, what store do you go to first?
Ross.
20. Where did your last kiss take place?
Putting G down for her nap.
21. What were you doing at 11:59 PM on Monday night?
Not sleeping I'm sure. Why is it so hard to get into or out of my goddamn bed?
22. Are you a quitter?
I am. One that perserveres.
23. Who was the last person you had in your house?
In laws.
24. Can you speak another language?
Sign.
25. How about you put your legs behind your head?
Probably. But it'll hurt.
26. When was the last time you went dancing while under the influence?
Awww. Years and years.
27. Nickname?
I don't really have one. J calls me his bag of snakes sometimes.
28. Describe what you are wearing in detail?
Purple tank top, gray skirt, black undies and bra.
29. What do you think about people who party a lot?
I don't really. I have other shit to think about.
30. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?
With some people. And with others (hi blogland) I'm a bit too comfortable.
31. Are you one of those people who obsesses over Hollister?
I don't know what that is.
32. What was the last CD you purchased?
Ummmm, Kanye.
33. What are two bands or singers that you will alwys love?
System of a Down and Rob Zombie.
34. What of the seven deadly sins are you guilty of?
Oh all of them at one time or another I'm sure.
35. Did you just have to google the seven deadly sins to see what they were?
YES. Holy shit! And I am guilty of all of them.
36. Where is your favorite place to get coffee?
I don't really drink coffee that often.
37. Have you ever been offered a job?
I have.
38. Have you ever stolen anything off of a road?
No.
39. When was the last time you dyed your hair?
Exactly 2 months ago, doing that this week.
40. Who was the last person you rode in a car with?
My kid.
41. Have you kissed somebody in the last 2 weeks?
Yes.
42. Miss someone?
Always.
43. How is your last ex doing?
I can happily say I have no clue.
44. Is there someone you want to fight? No, no there isn't.
1. Who was the last person of the opposite sex you laid in a bed with?
My husband.
2. Where was the last place you went out to eat?
Subway.
3. What was the last alcoholic beverage you consumed?
A very strong screwdriver.
4. Which do you prefer - eyes or lips?
Eyes to get lost in, lips to kiss.
5. Medicine, fine arts, or law?
Shit I'm not good at any of those. Ummm, fine arts. I'll throw pots again.
6. Best kind of pizza?
Hawaiian with mushrooms light to no sauce. Mmmmm..pizza....
7. Is your bedroom window open?
No.
8. What is in store for your future?
Shit if I know.
9. Who was the last band you saw live?
Some random one at the bar.
10. Do you take care of your friends while they are sick?
Not really, we're kinda far from each other.
11. What is your favorite soda?
Coke zero.
12. How many songs are on your iTunes?
I don't have an iTunes.
13. When was the last time you purchased something over 0?
How does one purchase something for under 0? Wednesday.
14. Where is the last place you drove to?
Home from the store.
15. Are you experienced?
Hahaha!! Sexually? Yes. In a marketable job skill? No.
16. Any historical figures that you envy?
Ummm, not really.
17. What brand of digital camera do you own?
iPhone.
18. When was the last time you got a good workout?
The night before last. I worked out last night with the wussy video.
19. If you need a new pair of jeans, what store do you go to first?
Ross.
20. Where did your last kiss take place?
Putting G down for her nap.
21. What were you doing at 11:59 PM on Monday night?
Not sleeping I'm sure. Why is it so hard to get into or out of my goddamn bed?
22. Are you a quitter?
I am. One that perserveres.
23. Who was the last person you had in your house?
In laws.
24. Can you speak another language?
Sign.
25. How about you put your legs behind your head?
Probably. But it'll hurt.
26. When was the last time you went dancing while under the influence?
Awww. Years and years.
27. Nickname?
I don't really have one. J calls me his bag of snakes sometimes.
28. Describe what you are wearing in detail?
Purple tank top, gray skirt, black undies and bra.
29. What do you think about people who party a lot?
I don't really. I have other shit to think about.
30. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?
With some people. And with others (hi blogland) I'm a bit too comfortable.
31. Are you one of those people who obsesses over Hollister?
I don't know what that is.
32. What was the last CD you purchased?
Ummmm, Kanye.
33. What are two bands or singers that you will alwys love?
System of a Down and Rob Zombie.
34. What of the seven deadly sins are you guilty of?
Oh all of them at one time or another I'm sure.
35. Did you just have to google the seven deadly sins to see what they were?
YES. Holy shit! And I am guilty of all of them.
36. Where is your favorite place to get coffee?
I don't really drink coffee that often.
37. Have you ever been offered a job?
I have.
38. Have you ever stolen anything off of a road?
No.
39. When was the last time you dyed your hair?
Exactly 2 months ago, doing that this week.
40. Who was the last person you rode in a car with?
My kid.
41. Have you kissed somebody in the last 2 weeks?
Yes.
42. Miss someone?
Always.
43. How is your last ex doing?
I can happily say I have no clue.
44. Is there someone you want to fight? No, no there isn't.
Thursday, September 27, 2012
"I love this 'Internet'. It's part fantasy, part community, and you get to pay your bills naked."
Yesterday I awoke, slipped some LSD into my morning smoothie and thought it would be a grand idea to take G bra shopping with me. Just kidding. No LSD, and I always knew it was a shit idea, it's just I needed bras so there you go. I had hopes the steps I was planning to take would appease the God of Three Year Old Tantrums, but nay, I was mistaken with that as well. I should have brought more books. I did bring snacks and her leap pad, I'm normally against giving my kid electronics while we shop. While she can be trying at times, I generally prefer the lessons learned and interactions had over my kid being catatonic. I don't like shopping alone, so what's the point of bringing her if that's how she is? I was willing to make an exception because bra shopping is no normal excursion. Last time I even attempted it all people within 100 feel were treated to a 2 year old narrative about what exactly me and my boobs were doing blow by blow as it happened. "You taking off you shirt mama? You take off you bra? Those you boobs? Why you boobs out mama?" It was....less than fun. It's also time consuming, I mean, you can't just pick these things willy nilly, when you're wearing something for so long that has such potential for being extremely uncomfortable you have to be sure.
Bra shopping. My least favorite thing to shop for I think. I haven't particularly liked my breasts since my mid 20s, so standing in front of a 3 way mirror looking at them ensconced in various coverings is not fun for me. I've been wearing the 34 D bras I bought at target when I was part way through my pregnancy with G. They are way too big. But all the nursing bras I own are bigger, so yeah. The bras I used before that were done by the time I bought my current ones so I've just been sucking it up. But I had a little money, the white one is tearing down the front middle portion, and probably it's time my breasts get reined in as opposed to the free floating within the shells of these bras that they've been doing.
I can hear the advice; just go without! And let me tell you that is not happening. I wear a sports bra to bed, and 2 to exercise. When your breasts go from A to F and then shrink back down again? It does not do attractive things to them. The 2 places I got stretch marks from pregnancy; directly over my belly button and my breasts. All over, top, bottom, sides, stretch marks galore. I don't regret a one of them of course, they were all well worth it, but it doesn't make for a pleasant going braless experience.
Just picking out the bras was making me angry. Do you know how hard it is to find goddamn bras in an A or B that don't have entire bedsets stuffed into them?! What the fuck. I have no problem with anyone else jacking their boobs up to their chin, I however am just not into it. I do not want bras claiming to increase my bust by 2 cup sizes! I'm FINE with my breasts the size they are, really I am. Would I get a boob job if offered? Yes. Lift these babies up. But I do not want bras with so much padding in them they could possibly stop a bullet for me. For girls with smaller chests, apparently this is a rare request because it was a bitch finding unpadded bras. I do want lining, lets not get inappropriate in the winter, but just a bit is fine, jerks.
Turns out, I'm a 34 B, considering I absolutely thought I was a 34 A, I'm giving myself a boob high five. If they were any bigger I'd be screwed because 34 C kinda doesn't exist. The 34 D's I'd been wearing were a pretty rare find. Because I don't want a push up bra, and they are what is considered smaller, I was relegated to the teen section. You guys. My bras have bows on them. I'm guessing I should be happy they had colors besides the neon green with purple polka dots, but I can't tell you the last time I had a damn bow on my bra. I might have to remove them.
I did finally find appropriate sized non padded non $30 bras. ($30 for a size B bra?! Are you kidding me?! I am not paying that much.) I even got one of those convertible bras that you can make into a halter so I can wear all the pretty dresses J bought me on our cruises. So I consider the day a success. A very long exhausting day of perpetually whispered threats to my child, (we had to grocery shop as well, so we got home pretty late.) but hopefully one that doesn't have to be repeated for quite awhile.
A friendly warning, the first person to ask me if I've lost weight, forcing me to respond, no I just finally bought bras that fit, is getting junk punched. If not in real life then in the very least repeatedly in my brain.
Bra shopping. My least favorite thing to shop for I think. I haven't particularly liked my breasts since my mid 20s, so standing in front of a 3 way mirror looking at them ensconced in various coverings is not fun for me. I've been wearing the 34 D bras I bought at target when I was part way through my pregnancy with G. They are way too big. But all the nursing bras I own are bigger, so yeah. The bras I used before that were done by the time I bought my current ones so I've just been sucking it up. But I had a little money, the white one is tearing down the front middle portion, and probably it's time my breasts get reined in as opposed to the free floating within the shells of these bras that they've been doing.
I can hear the advice; just go without! And let me tell you that is not happening. I wear a sports bra to bed, and 2 to exercise. When your breasts go from A to F and then shrink back down again? It does not do attractive things to them. The 2 places I got stretch marks from pregnancy; directly over my belly button and my breasts. All over, top, bottom, sides, stretch marks galore. I don't regret a one of them of course, they were all well worth it, but it doesn't make for a pleasant going braless experience.
Just picking out the bras was making me angry. Do you know how hard it is to find goddamn bras in an A or B that don't have entire bedsets stuffed into them?! What the fuck. I have no problem with anyone else jacking their boobs up to their chin, I however am just not into it. I do not want bras claiming to increase my bust by 2 cup sizes! I'm FINE with my breasts the size they are, really I am. Would I get a boob job if offered? Yes. Lift these babies up. But I do not want bras with so much padding in them they could possibly stop a bullet for me. For girls with smaller chests, apparently this is a rare request because it was a bitch finding unpadded bras. I do want lining, lets not get inappropriate in the winter, but just a bit is fine, jerks.
Turns out, I'm a 34 B, considering I absolutely thought I was a 34 A, I'm giving myself a boob high five. If they were any bigger I'd be screwed because 34 C kinda doesn't exist. The 34 D's I'd been wearing were a pretty rare find. Because I don't want a push up bra, and they are what is considered smaller, I was relegated to the teen section. You guys. My bras have bows on them. I'm guessing I should be happy they had colors besides the neon green with purple polka dots, but I can't tell you the last time I had a damn bow on my bra. I might have to remove them.
I did finally find appropriate sized non padded non $30 bras. ($30 for a size B bra?! Are you kidding me?! I am not paying that much.) I even got one of those convertible bras that you can make into a halter so I can wear all the pretty dresses J bought me on our cruises. So I consider the day a success. A very long exhausting day of perpetually whispered threats to my child, (we had to grocery shop as well, so we got home pretty late.) but hopefully one that doesn't have to be repeated for quite awhile.
A friendly warning, the first person to ask me if I've lost weight, forcing me to respond, no I just finally bought bras that fit, is getting junk punched. If not in real life then in the very least repeatedly in my brain.
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
"I always thought if I were enslaved, it would be by an advanced species from another planet. Not some hotsie-totsie from Glendale."
Let's revisit the ongoing saga that is me trying to get the autopsy results for my son shall we? What, you ask? I thought you already HAD these results? *confused face*
I did speak to the genetic counselor who did receive the results. But it was a stressful phone call during which I mostly cried. She told me she was going to email me the summery letter she would be turning in about the case. Due to confidentiality I would have to set up a password to view it. Super. I didn't open it that night because I was, wounded, for lack of a better term, and we were very busy that weekend. When I finally did try to open it, hotmail told me it had a virus and wouldn't let me. I'm not sure if it was the computer, the browser I used, internet connection, whatever. I leave a message explaining the issue and she says she'll resend it and also send a hard copy. I'm able to get into the 2nd copy she emailed, but either it went awry, this computer hates me or I'm a complete fucking idiot (probably that one) when it comes to this kind of shit because I couldn't open the links.
On friday my FiL informs us our mailbox has been broken into and hopefully we didn't have anything important coming. I don't usually get mail unless I've ordered something so I was annoyed (I didn't want to give up the p.o. box for this very reason, people are assholes and when there's a mailbox at the bottom of a half mile long driveway with no houses in sight they'll break into your shit.) but not very concerned. It wasn't until sunday that I remembered I was actually expecting mail and I was just heartbroken. I mean not that I still don't have the results, I will get them eventually, they exist, just that some stranger was reading about my dead son, I was feeling almost violated I guess.
I call her again, and babble about the universe obviously not wanting me to have this information, but that I'm going to continue to persevere and could she please send the hard copy to my BiL's p.o. box, I'm very sorry blah blah. Also, is this just the her summery letter or the autopsy results themselves? She calls me back and says she hadn't gotten around to it yet so strangers are not reading about my dead son's results. Which, oh my god I'm so relieved. Except you guys of course. But you don't count. :) She will be sending her letter today, along with the actual results.
OK. It's your move universe.
I also received a phone call while I was in the shower from my normal doctor, saying he had received the results (for fucks sake, is he rubbing it in?) and a recommendation that we should talk about, please call him back. I figured he wanted to make sure we were on the same page that if I get knocked up I go to him till 10ish weeks then go for an ultra sound with the speciality doctor so I call him back. It turns out he mostly wanted to offer condolences about the shitty ass news I'd received about the fucked up odds of me having another healthy kid.
I'm paraphrasing here.
Really I think he was unsure if HE was supposed to give me these results, he wanted make sure I'd been informed as well, and that I was aware of the diagnosis. So when I told him I did know he didn't really know how to proceed because it totally sucks ass. Now remember how I bitched about him being all head patty and cheerleader and we'll get them next time about me being knocked up again? Remind me, should I do that again that this is much much worse.
He asked if my plans had changed, how I would feel about another pregnancy, (my response was it'd be a very stressful time, to which he agreed it most definitely would be) and let me know they'd be there for me. He said he was sorry and all the other stuff. Which was very very sweet.
I got off the phone and couldn't even cry, I could barely breathe. There was an elephant sized rock of despair, and maybe panic, crushing my chest and throat. It took a few minutes but I talked myself out of the breath into a paper bag feeling with the fact that the phone call changed nothing. I knew all of this information before. He offered no new facts, no worse statistics, he just hammered home that the ones I have are indeed nothing to celebrate. Once the gray started to clear from my eyesight I went and got G up from her nap and cuddled with her, playing with her toes until I felt better.
They're so long, I call them her finger toes. She can move them almost independently, they're very expressive, always wiggling. She certainly didn't get her feet from me.
Anyway. I have yet to write the email to my family, I still have every intention of doing so, I would just like to read the facts first so I can present them the best way possible. I feel bad I'm taking so long after I've initially heard from the counselor, but I'd like to be as informed as possible. What's a few more days, (weeks months....) right?
I did end up downloading the period app, no word on who received it with me, and it already has given me information that surprised me. I've kept pretty good track since January, and according to that my cycle is on average 27 days long, not the 28 I've always assumed it was, (I do think it used to be, and that this is a change since losing Little M.) and that it varies quite a bit more than I thought. I was early this last month, and I've been late a few others. I'll be keeping track and see where it leads me. My fertile days are marked by a pretty flower. Being a girl is interesting to say the least.
I did speak to the genetic counselor who did receive the results. But it was a stressful phone call during which I mostly cried. She told me she was going to email me the summery letter she would be turning in about the case. Due to confidentiality I would have to set up a password to view it. Super. I didn't open it that night because I was, wounded, for lack of a better term, and we were very busy that weekend. When I finally did try to open it, hotmail told me it had a virus and wouldn't let me. I'm not sure if it was the computer, the browser I used, internet connection, whatever. I leave a message explaining the issue and she says she'll resend it and also send a hard copy. I'm able to get into the 2nd copy she emailed, but either it went awry, this computer hates me or I'm a complete fucking idiot (probably that one) when it comes to this kind of shit because I couldn't open the links.
On friday my FiL informs us our mailbox has been broken into and hopefully we didn't have anything important coming. I don't usually get mail unless I've ordered something so I was annoyed (I didn't want to give up the p.o. box for this very reason, people are assholes and when there's a mailbox at the bottom of a half mile long driveway with no houses in sight they'll break into your shit.) but not very concerned. It wasn't until sunday that I remembered I was actually expecting mail and I was just heartbroken. I mean not that I still don't have the results, I will get them eventually, they exist, just that some stranger was reading about my dead son, I was feeling almost violated I guess.
I call her again, and babble about the universe obviously not wanting me to have this information, but that I'm going to continue to persevere and could she please send the hard copy to my BiL's p.o. box, I'm very sorry blah blah. Also, is this just the her summery letter or the autopsy results themselves? She calls me back and says she hadn't gotten around to it yet so strangers are not reading about my dead son's results. Which, oh my god I'm so relieved. Except you guys of course. But you don't count. :) She will be sending her letter today, along with the actual results.
OK. It's your move universe.
I also received a phone call while I was in the shower from my normal doctor, saying he had received the results (for fucks sake, is he rubbing it in?) and a recommendation that we should talk about, please call him back. I figured he wanted to make sure we were on the same page that if I get knocked up I go to him till 10ish weeks then go for an ultra sound with the speciality doctor so I call him back. It turns out he mostly wanted to offer condolences about the shitty ass news I'd received about the fucked up odds of me having another healthy kid.
I'm paraphrasing here.
Really I think he was unsure if HE was supposed to give me these results, he wanted make sure I'd been informed as well, and that I was aware of the diagnosis. So when I told him I did know he didn't really know how to proceed because it totally sucks ass. Now remember how I bitched about him being all head patty and cheerleader and we'll get them next time about me being knocked up again? Remind me, should I do that again that this is much much worse.
He asked if my plans had changed, how I would feel about another pregnancy, (my response was it'd be a very stressful time, to which he agreed it most definitely would be) and let me know they'd be there for me. He said he was sorry and all the other stuff. Which was very very sweet.
I got off the phone and couldn't even cry, I could barely breathe. There was an elephant sized rock of despair, and maybe panic, crushing my chest and throat. It took a few minutes but I talked myself out of the breath into a paper bag feeling with the fact that the phone call changed nothing. I knew all of this information before. He offered no new facts, no worse statistics, he just hammered home that the ones I have are indeed nothing to celebrate. Once the gray started to clear from my eyesight I went and got G up from her nap and cuddled with her, playing with her toes until I felt better.
They're so long, I call them her finger toes. She can move them almost independently, they're very expressive, always wiggling. She certainly didn't get her feet from me.
Anyway. I have yet to write the email to my family, I still have every intention of doing so, I would just like to read the facts first so I can present them the best way possible. I feel bad I'm taking so long after I've initially heard from the counselor, but I'd like to be as informed as possible. What's a few more days, (weeks months....) right?
I did end up downloading the period app, no word on who received it with me, and it already has given me information that surprised me. I've kept pretty good track since January, and according to that my cycle is on average 27 days long, not the 28 I've always assumed it was, (I do think it used to be, and that this is a change since losing Little M.) and that it varies quite a bit more than I thought. I was early this last month, and I've been late a few others. I'll be keeping track and see where it leads me. My fertile days are marked by a pretty flower. Being a girl is interesting to say the least.
Friday, September 21, 2012
"For the record, I do have genitals. They're functional and aesthetically pleasing."
He then explained there is something called Street Vibes in Reno where motorcyclists from all over gather and hang out and look at vendors at the end of September. He was going with his family, staying the weekend in a hotel. Did I want to come?
It was a big fucking deal. Family acknowledgement and time being spent with them. The first time I'd be hanging out with him and his brother, one of my best friends, together. My first long motorcycle ride. I was excited. A couple weeks later I called his brother to tell him I'd been boning J for awhile, and I'd be joining them at Street Vibes, was he ok with it? I was so nervous. He said it was fine, I think, I don't exactly remember.
Let's discuss his bike. Deep dark blue very large Honda. His seat looked very comfortable. The bitch seat was more of a leather decorative cover for the back fender. I couldn't fit one ass cheek on it and I weighed 110 back then. It was also nice and slopey. Toward the back, you know to slide the hell off the thing? I was freaking out, picturing one turn flinging me off the side of the mountain effortlessly. Thankfully he got a bag meant to be tied on right there so I felt a little more secure that I would arrive at our destination.
After an awful morning involving my ex I get to work at noon on Friday. I leave early and drive up to J's house. I don't remember the circumstances, problems with a motorcycle he was working on or something, but we didn't end up leaving until 10:30pm. His family left earlier that day or the day before and was waiting for us there. I am wearing borrowed leather chaps and jacket, long johns, jeans, shirt, sweatshirt, 2 pairs of gloves and boots. Around midnight we're going over the mountains. It wasn't cold when we left, but late September in the mountains at midnight on a motorcycle? A whole new ball of wax. We stop 3 times to put on more clothes and attempt to thaw. We stop at In N Out in Carson city and I'm eternally grateful they have warm water in their water faucet because my hands were so numb I sincerely couldn't unbutton my pants. I was in there for 10 minutes at least, J thought I snuck out the window and was making a run for it.
I have never been so cold in my life. Such a pathetic sentence to sum up what it felt like on the back of that bike. I was too cold to cry. I hummed because otherwise I thought I might die, and tried to remember to hang on. My hands were wrapped around J's waist and I was hiding behind him, I was sheltered from the worst of it, but his hands up there on the handle bars were right there in front. There's a place, under the gas tank that dips in a bit where you can put your hands and get them warmed by the motor. He did that a couple times, switching them off. But then I realized most of the time, instead of putting them by the engine he was rubbing my hands, wrapped firmly around him. Trying to warm them up.
Like a ton of bricks. If that bag hadn't been behind me I would have slid right off. Because, right there at 12:30 am, dying of hypothermia on the back of a motorcycle surrounded by mountains, trees, and suicidal deer I had the realization of all realizations.
I was In Love with him. Head over heels. Every cliche in the book. Fuck.
I kept it to myself for quite awhile longer. Had a wonderful weekend drinking vodka, watching movies and walking around Reno with his family. We held hands and everything. The ride back was in the afternoon and was gloriously perfect. But nothing like the wonder of the night we drove up.
My facebook feed has a few discussions about Street Vibes this weekend, and I have to smile as it takes me back to 6 years ago to a girl, a guy, a bike and an epiphany, freezing in the mountains.
The book lied, my 'down theres' were never affected while riding the motorcycle. Maybe is was the total shit seat though.
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
"It's not for us to judge. We're just here to provide comfort and support while you come to grips with what a despicable thing you've done."
Itchy nose, achy back, sore boobs, super weird vivid dreams, no new zits, I swear I felt ovulation....perfect combination for being knocked up right? Apparently no as I started 2 days early. What the fuck? Did I just go all TMI on you in the first 2 sentences?! You should know by now I don't deal with subtleties. Or metaphors, or painting pictures with words. Or appropriate grammar. Anyway, not knocked up so today's my day to be sad about it. Tomorrow I will be fine. I'm confused about the 2 days early thing though.
I promise this ties in. J and I use his parents' iTunes accounts as we have yet to have a computer that allows such things to be downloaded upon it. It's not a big deal since we don't buy music and only get apps that are free. But because we're the secondary phones on the accounts everything we get, they get immediately. I've been seriously considering getting some sort of period app/tracker thing and the only thing that's been stopping me is knowing that it will also automatically show up on my FiL's phone too. Awkward. Luckily he'll just shake his head and delete it so I guess it's time to move on. If anyone has any recommendations on which one is good, or bad for that matter I'm all ears. I need to keep better track of things.
Moving on.
My treadmill is in my bedroom, and due to my no central ac having ass, it gets pretty hot there during the summer. We do this convoluted fan set up that makes my house sound like a wind tunnel and it makes the place livable, but not joggable. So I can't use my treadmill during the summer. Otherwise I'd puke before the first half mile and that's just not cool with me. So I've been doing work out videos instead. I've got this Pilate's one I've mentioned before that I still really like. It's arm flingy and twisty so it really helps get the kinks out when I start tightening up. I'd also been doing Jillian Michaels 30 day shred (I think? I'll have to double check.) that I appreciated as well. Both borrowed from my friend, probably I should just buy her some new copies and keep the ones I've had forever. Anyway, she texted me last month some time with a picture of Jillian's killer buns and thighs asking if I wanted her to get it for me. We'd been discussing how my upper body, while not very strong, looks fine, it's the booty/hip/thigh area I have a lot of trouble with, so I said absolutely! Thank you!
You guys, I love this work out so much. I'd been doing level 1 for maybe 3 weeks, and with the exception of the loud groaning noises every time I sat on or got up from the floor, I hadn't noticed any physical differences. So I thought I could try level 2. Here's where we hit a wall; level 2 spends alot of time aggravating, and making worse my 'bitch you old' injuries. I was really sad, thinking I'd gone as far as I could, and that maybe I am.....old. You know, injured, incapable of increasing the effort. So I stewed on this for about a week, doing level one, and the other workout video. Then I realized, that maybe level 3 could still be harder, but in different ways. Just because level 2 was impossible didn't mean she made the level 3 work out in the same way. So I tried it last night.
I almost cried. Not because it was so hard, (it really fucking was) but because I did it! And I could do it again! Not tonight. Tonight I'm going to have to do Pilate's, after Advil, because lawd I'm sore. But a different night I can do it again. I can throw it into my rotation, and improve! Get stronger! Win an arm wrestling match! Well....make someone pause and consider for a second before they laugh if an arm wrestling match is brought up!
I have been exercising all of this time out of necessity. It is the only thing that can even come close to leveling out my anxiety and depression. But last night instead of doing it to survive I was doing it to be happy, to get that feeling of accomplishment I used to get from dancing. (Damn my 'bitch you old' injuries!) It was a very good moment for me, and the first hint that I'm forgiving my body for it's part in not bringing home a baby.
Intellectually I'm completely aware blame isn't helping anything, my body is not a sinister villain plotting against itself. But it's hard not to feel bitterness toward yourself when it's your genes, or womb, or whatever the hell is going on, that's keeping me from another living baby. Not to mention, there's almost a disconnect after becoming pregnant. I don't know how to explain it. Growing and feeding another human takes away some claim I have on it, and it continues with trying to conceive again, another attempt to lend itself out. I don't get to call the shots if I have any chance of getting the ultimate goal; pregnancy, I have to follow the whims of my uterus. It feels like it really hasn't been mine in quite a long time.
I think it's time to reclaim it. I still have to follow the rules imposed on me by various inner workings, but that doesn't mean I can't get this body to do what I want it to as well. As long as there's plenty of Advil around. And stretching. Lots of stretching.
I promise this ties in. J and I use his parents' iTunes accounts as we have yet to have a computer that allows such things to be downloaded upon it. It's not a big deal since we don't buy music and only get apps that are free. But because we're the secondary phones on the accounts everything we get, they get immediately. I've been seriously considering getting some sort of period app/tracker thing and the only thing that's been stopping me is knowing that it will also automatically show up on my FiL's phone too. Awkward. Luckily he'll just shake his head and delete it so I guess it's time to move on. If anyone has any recommendations on which one is good, or bad for that matter I'm all ears. I need to keep better track of things.
Moving on.
My treadmill is in my bedroom, and due to my no central ac having ass, it gets pretty hot there during the summer. We do this convoluted fan set up that makes my house sound like a wind tunnel and it makes the place livable, but not joggable. So I can't use my treadmill during the summer. Otherwise I'd puke before the first half mile and that's just not cool with me. So I've been doing work out videos instead. I've got this Pilate's one I've mentioned before that I still really like. It's arm flingy and twisty so it really helps get the kinks out when I start tightening up. I'd also been doing Jillian Michaels 30 day shred (I think? I'll have to double check.) that I appreciated as well. Both borrowed from my friend, probably I should just buy her some new copies and keep the ones I've had forever. Anyway, she texted me last month some time with a picture of Jillian's killer buns and thighs asking if I wanted her to get it for me. We'd been discussing how my upper body, while not very strong, looks fine, it's the booty/hip/thigh area I have a lot of trouble with, so I said absolutely! Thank you!
You guys, I love this work out so much. I'd been doing level 1 for maybe 3 weeks, and with the exception of the loud groaning noises every time I sat on or got up from the floor, I hadn't noticed any physical differences. So I thought I could try level 2. Here's where we hit a wall; level 2 spends alot of time aggravating, and making worse my 'bitch you old' injuries. I was really sad, thinking I'd gone as far as I could, and that maybe I am.....old. You know, injured, incapable of increasing the effort. So I stewed on this for about a week, doing level one, and the other workout video. Then I realized, that maybe level 3 could still be harder, but in different ways. Just because level 2 was impossible didn't mean she made the level 3 work out in the same way. So I tried it last night.
I almost cried. Not because it was so hard, (it really fucking was) but because I did it! And I could do it again! Not tonight. Tonight I'm going to have to do Pilate's, after Advil, because lawd I'm sore. But a different night I can do it again. I can throw it into my rotation, and improve! Get stronger! Win an arm wrestling match! Well....make someone pause and consider for a second before they laugh if an arm wrestling match is brought up!
I have been exercising all of this time out of necessity. It is the only thing that can even come close to leveling out my anxiety and depression. But last night instead of doing it to survive I was doing it to be happy, to get that feeling of accomplishment I used to get from dancing. (Damn my 'bitch you old' injuries!) It was a very good moment for me, and the first hint that I'm forgiving my body for it's part in not bringing home a baby.
Intellectually I'm completely aware blame isn't helping anything, my body is not a sinister villain plotting against itself. But it's hard not to feel bitterness toward yourself when it's your genes, or womb, or whatever the hell is going on, that's keeping me from another living baby. Not to mention, there's almost a disconnect after becoming pregnant. I don't know how to explain it. Growing and feeding another human takes away some claim I have on it, and it continues with trying to conceive again, another attempt to lend itself out. I don't get to call the shots if I have any chance of getting the ultimate goal; pregnancy, I have to follow the whims of my uterus. It feels like it really hasn't been mine in quite a long time.
I think it's time to reclaim it. I still have to follow the rules imposed on me by various inner workings, but that doesn't mean I can't get this body to do what I want it to as well. As long as there's plenty of Advil around. And stretching. Lots of stretching.
Friday, September 14, 2012
Friday Fluff
This is seriously going to get personal, you ready?
Overshare is my middle name.
If you were caught cheating, would you fess up?
If I was caught cheating there really wouldn't be a reason to fess up. I was already caught. What, am I going to accuse him of taking hallucinogens?
The last time you felt honestly broken?
Now. Right now.
Are you craving something?
Cigarettes. Peace.
If you could have one thing right now what would it be?
We all know the answer to that one.
Would you rather have ten kids, or none?
TEN. Right now pleaseandthankyou.
What do you hear right now?
Silence.
Is your bed against more than one of your walls?
Just the one. It was in the corner for years though, in apartments. I always slept on the wall side. I liked to tuck myself away.
What’s on your mind right now?
G says Yes when asked a question even if she doesn't know the answer. What is that? Should I be concerned? Is it more or less annoying than when kids say I don't know when they damn well know. Is she afraid to not know the answer? I want her to seek out what she doesn't know, not pretend she does to save face.
Are you there for your friends?
Most certainly not as much in recent time as I once was. I'm pretty self absorbed right now. *shrug* I do feel bad about it, but I'm doing the best I can.
Last person to see you cry?
Usually it's inanimate objects; the computer, the dishes. Probably my husband though.
What do you do when you get nervous?
Poop. Often.
Be honest, do you like people in general?
I do.
How old do you think you will be when you finally have kids?
I was 30 when I had G.
Does anyone completely understand you?
Different people get different facets of me.
Do you have a reason to smile right now?
Always.
Has anyone told you they don’t ever wanna lose you?
Probably my ex. Long after he'd lost me. Lame.
Would you be happier if life had a rewind button?
NO THANK YOU.
Do you tell your mum or dad everything?
I tell them damn near nothing.
Does it matter to you if your boyfriend or girlfriend smokes?
Oh dear god that would be awesome.
Are you going to get hurt anytime soon by someone?
Fingers fucking crossed no.
This time last year, can you remember who you liked?
Ha. All the usual suspects.
Do you think more about the past, present, or future?
YES.
How many hours of sleep do you get a night?
Not enough lately. I don't know what my deal is, one minute it's 11:30 and I think oh, I need to go to bed in 5 minutes and then all of a sudden it's 1 fucking am. Not good.
Are you easy to get along with?
I guess that depends who you ask. My mother's ex husband would say no. A lot of other people would say yes.
Do you hate the last girl you had a conversation with?
It was my kid, so no.
What was the last drink that you put in your mouth?
Tea. I gave up soda. My last negotiable "bad" thing. The chips, peanut butter cups, and vodka are STAYING.
What size bed do you have?
King. And I love it.
Do you start the water before you get in the shower or when you get in?
What the fuck? Are you camping? Who the hell starts the shower after you get in? Unless you want ice cold water to shoot down on you.
Do you like the rain?
I fucking hate it. "Oh it smells so good when it rains!" Bullshit, it smells like wet dirt. If I want to smell mud I'll turn on the sprinklers.
Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?
If G is awake she's thinking "Damn when is that bitch going to come get me out of bed?" Otherwise no.
Have you ever done something you told yourself you wouldn’t do?
A million things.
Would people refer to you as a goodie goodie, bad news, or neither?
Depends on who you ask.
Who were you last in the car with, besides family?
A friend and her kid.
What’s the last movie you saw in theaters and with who?
Brave, with my MiL, BiL, and G. Bad idea. A 100 foot roaring bear head may have scared the fucking shit out of my poor kid. Oops.
Have you ever kissed someone who had a boyfriend/ girlfriend?
What up high school? Haven't seen you in a bit.
Have you ever been hurt by someone you never thought would hurt you?
Nah. I pretty much saw it coming.
Your parents are out of town. Would you throw a massive party?
I don't live in the same town as my parents.
Do you regret a past relationship?
Nope.
Would you rather spend a Friday night at a concert or a crazy party?
How's about drunk reading blogs on my phone?
Do you tend to fall for the same type of person over and over?
Nope.
Have you made a joke about somebody that made them cry?
Shit, that would suck, I really hope not.
Do you care too much about your appearance?
I do.
Are you a jealous person?
Yes, but not about what most people are jealous of. * I feel like "of" shouldn't be at the end of a sentence, but how else would I answer this question? About? About. That would probably work.
Have you bought any clothing items in the last week?
I DID. I bought 6 shirts that are exactly the same except different colors because THAT'S HOW I ROLL!! I'm super excited about it too. They don't have holes in them. WOOT WOOT!! The one G picked out is pink and purple striped.
Do you miss anyone?
I do. Very much.
Last person who made you cry?
Eh. Myself.
Does your ex piss you off?
Not anymore.
What are you doing tomorrow?
That is a good question. Maybe we'll go to the park.
Are you the type of person who has a new boyfriend/ girlfriend every week?
No, I'm the exact opposite of that.
Is there anyone you want to come see you?
Sure, I love having people come see me.
Have you ever been cheated on?
Not that I'm aware of.
Ever given your all to someone who walked away?
I gave way more than I should have, but I'm the one who walked away. So there.
Do you like cotton candy?
Um. I don't dislike it, but I'm certainly not going to waste calories on it.
Who was the last person you had a serious conversation with?
My friend, ongoing, about the Results.
Are you planning to get knocked up or knock someone up by age 17?
Eeeep. I was not knocked up at age 17.
Do you have siblings?
I do. 5 sisters and 1 brother. In all variations possible.
Have you ever fallen asleep on someone?
Sure.
How has the past week been for you?
Kinda shitty to be honest. I've had better.
Do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can talk to?
My BiL.
What’s on your mind right now?
Junk punching the universe.
What were you doing at midnight last night?
Not sleeping for some stupid ass reason.
What is your current mood?
Annoyed.
Who was the first person you talked to today?
J.
Will this week be a good one?
Hmmm. I suppose it is up to me, I'll try to push it that direction.
Anything happen to you within the past month that made you really happy?
My Kid's birthday.
Who were you with last night?
My husband.
Did you talk to someone until you fell asleep last night?
Nah, he was out early. I organized my closet.
Next time you will kiss someone?
Whenever I want. Boo yeah.
Who should start the kiss, the girl or the boy?
Whoever the hell wants to, I've always been a kiss starter.
Do you have any plans for the weekend?
Going to my husband's aunt's for her birthday.
Overshare is my middle name.
If you were caught cheating, would you fess up?
If I was caught cheating there really wouldn't be a reason to fess up. I was already caught. What, am I going to accuse him of taking hallucinogens?
The last time you felt honestly broken?
Now. Right now.
Are you craving something?
Cigarettes. Peace.
If you could have one thing right now what would it be?
We all know the answer to that one.
Would you rather have ten kids, or none?
TEN. Right now pleaseandthankyou.
What do you hear right now?
Silence.
Is your bed against more than one of your walls?
Just the one. It was in the corner for years though, in apartments. I always slept on the wall side. I liked to tuck myself away.
What’s on your mind right now?
G says Yes when asked a question even if she doesn't know the answer. What is that? Should I be concerned? Is it more or less annoying than when kids say I don't know when they damn well know. Is she afraid to not know the answer? I want her to seek out what she doesn't know, not pretend she does to save face.
Are you there for your friends?
Most certainly not as much in recent time as I once was. I'm pretty self absorbed right now. *shrug* I do feel bad about it, but I'm doing the best I can.
Last person to see you cry?
Usually it's inanimate objects; the computer, the dishes. Probably my husband though.
What do you do when you get nervous?
Poop. Often.
Be honest, do you like people in general?
I do.
How old do you think you will be when you finally have kids?
I was 30 when I had G.
Does anyone completely understand you?
Different people get different facets of me.
Do you have a reason to smile right now?
Always.
Has anyone told you they don’t ever wanna lose you?
Probably my ex. Long after he'd lost me. Lame.
Would you be happier if life had a rewind button?
NO THANK YOU.
Do you tell your mum or dad everything?
I tell them damn near nothing.
Does it matter to you if your boyfriend or girlfriend smokes?
Oh dear god that would be awesome.
Are you going to get hurt anytime soon by someone?
Fingers fucking crossed no.
This time last year, can you remember who you liked?
Ha. All the usual suspects.
Do you think more about the past, present, or future?
YES.
How many hours of sleep do you get a night?
Not enough lately. I don't know what my deal is, one minute it's 11:30 and I think oh, I need to go to bed in 5 minutes and then all of a sudden it's 1 fucking am. Not good.
Are you easy to get along with?
I guess that depends who you ask. My mother's ex husband would say no. A lot of other people would say yes.
Do you hate the last girl you had a conversation with?
It was my kid, so no.
What was the last drink that you put in your mouth?
Tea. I gave up soda. My last negotiable "bad" thing. The chips, peanut butter cups, and vodka are STAYING.
What size bed do you have?
King. And I love it.
Do you start the water before you get in the shower or when you get in?
What the fuck? Are you camping? Who the hell starts the shower after you get in? Unless you want ice cold water to shoot down on you.
Do you like the rain?
I fucking hate it. "Oh it smells so good when it rains!" Bullshit, it smells like wet dirt. If I want to smell mud I'll turn on the sprinklers.
Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?
If G is awake she's thinking "Damn when is that bitch going to come get me out of bed?" Otherwise no.
Have you ever done something you told yourself you wouldn’t do?
A million things.
Would people refer to you as a goodie goodie, bad news, or neither?
Depends on who you ask.
Who were you last in the car with, besides family?
A friend and her kid.
What’s the last movie you saw in theaters and with who?
Brave, with my MiL, BiL, and G. Bad idea. A 100 foot roaring bear head may have scared the fucking shit out of my poor kid. Oops.
Have you ever kissed someone who had a boyfriend/ girlfriend?
What up high school? Haven't seen you in a bit.
Have you ever been hurt by someone you never thought would hurt you?
Nah. I pretty much saw it coming.
Your parents are out of town. Would you throw a massive party?
I don't live in the same town as my parents.
Do you regret a past relationship?
Nope.
Would you rather spend a Friday night at a concert or a crazy party?
How's about drunk reading blogs on my phone?
Do you tend to fall for the same type of person over and over?
Nope.
Have you made a joke about somebody that made them cry?
Shit, that would suck, I really hope not.
Do you care too much about your appearance?
I do.
Are you a jealous person?
Yes, but not about what most people are jealous of. * I feel like "of" shouldn't be at the end of a sentence, but how else would I answer this question? About? About. That would probably work.
Have you bought any clothing items in the last week?
I DID. I bought 6 shirts that are exactly the same except different colors because THAT'S HOW I ROLL!! I'm super excited about it too. They don't have holes in them. WOOT WOOT!! The one G picked out is pink and purple striped.
Do you miss anyone?
I do. Very much.
Last person who made you cry?
Eh. Myself.
Does your ex piss you off?
Not anymore.
What are you doing tomorrow?
That is a good question. Maybe we'll go to the park.
Are you the type of person who has a new boyfriend/ girlfriend every week?
No, I'm the exact opposite of that.
Is there anyone you want to come see you?
Sure, I love having people come see me.
Have you ever been cheated on?
Not that I'm aware of.
Ever given your all to someone who walked away?
I gave way more than I should have, but I'm the one who walked away. So there.
Do you like cotton candy?
Um. I don't dislike it, but I'm certainly not going to waste calories on it.
Who was the last person you had a serious conversation with?
My friend, ongoing, about the Results.
Are you planning to get knocked up or knock someone up by age 17?
Eeeep. I was not knocked up at age 17.
Do you have siblings?
I do. 5 sisters and 1 brother. In all variations possible.
Have you ever fallen asleep on someone?
Sure.
How has the past week been for you?
Kinda shitty to be honest. I've had better.
Do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can talk to?
My BiL.
What’s on your mind right now?
Junk punching the universe.
What were you doing at midnight last night?
Not sleeping for some stupid ass reason.
What is your current mood?
Annoyed.
Who was the first person you talked to today?
J.
Will this week be a good one?
Hmmm. I suppose it is up to me, I'll try to push it that direction.
Anything happen to you within the past month that made you really happy?
My Kid's birthday.
Who were you with last night?
My husband.
Did you talk to someone until you fell asleep last night?
Nah, he was out early. I organized my closet.
Next time you will kiss someone?
Whenever I want. Boo yeah.
Who should start the kiss, the girl or the boy?
Whoever the hell wants to, I've always been a kiss starter.
Do you have any plans for the weekend?
Going to my husband's aunt's for her birthday.
Thursday, September 13, 2012
"Gloria Nunen, do not call him a bug-eyed sociopath with a little man complex."
I feel I have a pretty normal memory, not spectacular, but not horrible. There are certain things I'm sad to have lost; all of high school french, every grocery list I have ever forgotten. Cue staring blankly at the grocery store isles. But of course there's the useless knowledge that is embedded into the synapses of my brain for the rest of my life. I will be able to sing these two songs when I am neck deep in Alzheimer's wandering around the Home thinking I'm in a ballet studio. That's my happy place so I'm hoping it's where my brain takes me when I lose touch with reality.
Welcome to The Two Songs My Brain Will Always Know.
I had 3 cassette tapes in elementary school; Madonna, True Blue, Michael Jackson, Bad, and George Michael, Faith. Later I got Paula Abdul and Janet Jackson Rhythm Nation, that didn't reach the same level of brain penetration, but are probably still in there somewhere. I'm not positive, but I'm pretty sure I received the walkman and tapes from my dad, as my mom was so behind on electronics she didn't buy the first nintendo until I was damn near out of the house, so maybe 10 years, at least, later? My dad was the first one on the block to have nintendo. For himself, not us. Anyway, I'm not sure if you're familiar with these albums, and for the most part they're ok, until we get to George. The names of the songs on this album are; I Want Your Sex, Faith, Father Figure, One More Try, Monkey, and Kissing a Fool. I was 8, maybe. This was obviously a parenting fail, but I think probably both are at fault. I wasn't aware this album was completely inappropriate for me, so I didn't try to hide it, and sang the songs at the top of my lungs often. No clue where my parents were. I have all 3 albums memorized still, like In There Forever, but I'm only picking one song for this purpose, and it's the one I don't even need the song playing in background to bust it out. I can sing this A Capella in a vehicle at the top of my lungs on command. My husband? Super fucking pleased with this ability. Not really. It wasn't my fault that truck didn't have a radio. Doesn't matter, here's George Michael's Faith.
That song playing in the beginning? I have that memorized too. It's so sad how much of a crush I had on this dude. Ahhh, the 80's.
The 2nd song is from high school. In a bin that is metaphorically labeled "Shit proving what a strange girl Amelia is" there's a folder. In the folder there is pages upon pages of song lyrics. Painfully copied from songs recorded off the radio, rewound and listened too more times than I can count in an effort to have all the words to the songs I was listening too. Way to not do those school reports idiot. Anyway, now this isn't an issue, youtube takes care of that for you, which is nice for all the girls with the potential to be a weird as I was. In that folder is this song. But I may as well throw it out, because again, I can and will start singing this at any moment and be able to finish this song with no musical help. It's served me well. Or not at all, especially since I'm a total crap singer. Here's Whoomp There it is, by Tag Team.
I watched this on Friday Night Videos whenever possible, as we didn't have MTV or VH1 because our county's cable didn't think it was appropriate, obviously not an issue for whoever recorded this off of MTV Jams. Sorry it's such a shit video, best I could do.
So there you have it, the background noise in my brain. What do you have memorized? Did your parents buy you sexually explicit music? Or was that just mine?
Welcome to The Two Songs My Brain Will Always Know.
I had 3 cassette tapes in elementary school; Madonna, True Blue, Michael Jackson, Bad, and George Michael, Faith. Later I got Paula Abdul and Janet Jackson Rhythm Nation, that didn't reach the same level of brain penetration, but are probably still in there somewhere. I'm not positive, but I'm pretty sure I received the walkman and tapes from my dad, as my mom was so behind on electronics she didn't buy the first nintendo until I was damn near out of the house, so maybe 10 years, at least, later? My dad was the first one on the block to have nintendo. For himself, not us. Anyway, I'm not sure if you're familiar with these albums, and for the most part they're ok, until we get to George. The names of the songs on this album are; I Want Your Sex, Faith, Father Figure, One More Try, Monkey, and Kissing a Fool. I was 8, maybe. This was obviously a parenting fail, but I think probably both are at fault. I wasn't aware this album was completely inappropriate for me, so I didn't try to hide it, and sang the songs at the top of my lungs often. No clue where my parents were. I have all 3 albums memorized still, like In There Forever, but I'm only picking one song for this purpose, and it's the one I don't even need the song playing in background to bust it out. I can sing this A Capella in a vehicle at the top of my lungs on command. My husband? Super fucking pleased with this ability. Not really. It wasn't my fault that truck didn't have a radio. Doesn't matter, here's George Michael's Faith.
That song playing in the beginning? I have that memorized too. It's so sad how much of a crush I had on this dude. Ahhh, the 80's.
The 2nd song is from high school. In a bin that is metaphorically labeled "Shit proving what a strange girl Amelia is" there's a folder. In the folder there is pages upon pages of song lyrics. Painfully copied from songs recorded off the radio, rewound and listened too more times than I can count in an effort to have all the words to the songs I was listening too. Way to not do those school reports idiot. Anyway, now this isn't an issue, youtube takes care of that for you, which is nice for all the girls with the potential to be a weird as I was. In that folder is this song. But I may as well throw it out, because again, I can and will start singing this at any moment and be able to finish this song with no musical help. It's served me well. Or not at all, especially since I'm a total crap singer. Here's Whoomp There it is, by Tag Team.
I watched this on Friday Night Videos whenever possible, as we didn't have MTV or VH1 because our county's cable didn't think it was appropriate, obviously not an issue for whoever recorded this off of MTV Jams. Sorry it's such a shit video, best I could do.
So there you have it, the background noise in my brain. What do you have memorized? Did your parents buy you sexually explicit music? Or was that just mine?
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
"I'm going to help you rediscover your manhood. Do you have any idea where you could have lost it?"
One day at the group home a little girl slammed her hand in the sliding mini van door. I was just far enough away I couldn't stop her in time. I watched as the door closed and I started running toward her as her face completely shut down and became smooth and blank. This is a generalization I realize, some people react this way without being abused, but in the case of this child I'm pretty confident it applies; kids don't react that way to pain unless it's been taught. Experience, whatever happened after they yelled turned off the hollering center in the brain. I had to open the door to get her hand out, and she stood there. I led her in the house, put it in ice and watched as she slowly started coming back to us. For about an hour all she would say was "It's fine." No matter the question. I put ice on her hand, bent the fingers to make sure it wasn't broken, waited until she was talking again. I then went upstairs, took a cigarette break to tell my boss about it and cried my eyes out.
I have really bad case of the Not Fairs currently. I'm feeling whiny, foot stompy and fist shaky. I want to rage against the universe, Put me in charge! I'll do it better!!
I worked in the Not Fair Industry for 10 years. I'm well aware things don't go even close to how they should. Good things happen to bad people, bad things happen to good people. The reverse is true as well, we are none of us exempt.
I was talking to a friend about her brother, about how often CPS intervenes because he can't be bothered to take his children to school in the morning. About how far behind his little girl is due to all the school missed and the lack of an adult making sure work is completed. And I'm just so overcome with IT'S NOT FAIR.
I really dislike this feeling, it's non productive. It makes me feel small and childish. It is not putting light and love into the universe. Just bitterness and hatred.
I don't have a plan to deal with this, hopefully it fades as time passes. I'm sure it will come back with a vengeance should pregnancy happen. Looking forward to that. For now I will more actively look for beauty and happiness I suppose.
I'm addicted to How It's Made on Youtube right now, which is funny because when we had cable I would always bitch and moan when J made me watch it. "I don't care how a turbocharger is made! I don't even know what that is!" fell upon deaf ears and now here I am looking it up on my own. It's also funny because my favorite is how decorative candles are made. I don't even like these things. Space fillers, dust collectors. But I really like watching how it gets made. Weird.
I have really bad case of the Not Fairs currently. I'm feeling whiny, foot stompy and fist shaky. I want to rage against the universe, Put me in charge! I'll do it better!!
I worked in the Not Fair Industry for 10 years. I'm well aware things don't go even close to how they should. Good things happen to bad people, bad things happen to good people. The reverse is true as well, we are none of us exempt.
I was talking to a friend about her brother, about how often CPS intervenes because he can't be bothered to take his children to school in the morning. About how far behind his little girl is due to all the school missed and the lack of an adult making sure work is completed. And I'm just so overcome with IT'S NOT FAIR.
I really dislike this feeling, it's non productive. It makes me feel small and childish. It is not putting light and love into the universe. Just bitterness and hatred.
I don't have a plan to deal with this, hopefully it fades as time passes. I'm sure it will come back with a vengeance should pregnancy happen. Looking forward to that. For now I will more actively look for beauty and happiness I suppose.
I'm addicted to How It's Made on Youtube right now, which is funny because when we had cable I would always bitch and moan when J made me watch it. "I don't care how a turbocharger is made! I don't even know what that is!" fell upon deaf ears and now here I am looking it up on my own. It's also funny because my favorite is how decorative candles are made. I don't even like these things. Space fillers, dust collectors. But I really like watching how it gets made. Weird.
Saturday, September 8, 2012
"You just killed a helicopter with a car!" "I was out of bullets."
I spoke to the genetic counselor yesterday morning. There is no concrete answers but the general consensus of every one she brought the case to is autosomal recessive polycystic kidney disease which is what they thought at the end. To get concrete there would have to be molecular testing which I assume is expensive and takes quite a long time.
In order for my Little M to have had such a severe case J and I both have to carry the polycystic kidney disease recessive gene, (hence the name). Which means every time we conceive there's a 1 in 4 chance our baby will get this. It is her opinion the early loss, between Little T and Little M was just a normal early miscarriage, (HA.) but she didn't have an opinion on whether Little T could have had this too. Little M was fine in my womb, he didn't have any issues other than he couldn't survive out of my body. Little T died all on his own, so it could have been something else completely.
There is no prevention, there is no early detection. All my blood tests and ultra sounds looked fabulous until around 18 weeks. Then the blood tests came back bad and it was discovered I no longer had amniotic fluid. Should we get knocked up the recommendation is to be sent to the high definition ultra sound office at around 11 weeks to see if the kidneys seem bright. For reals. Bright. And then decide if I want an amnio or whatever other awful tests they have available. Otherwise it's wait and see. I'd have to get around halfway through my pregnancy before finding out how the genes tumbled.
I'm really really struggling with this. 1 in 4. I'm just....sad. Yesterday I was mentally going over the odds, my wants, the strength of my relationships, every thing just pressing down on me. I mean honestly, how many babies can I kill before my face melts off and I turn into a screamy soul thing in the depths of hell like on Constantine? Metaphorically. As an atheist with Buddhist leanings I don't technically believe in hell. Although, if it meant I got to hang out with Gavin Rossdale....He was pretty whiny in that movie though.
I went to change the laundry, next to the loathsome Guest Room and I was overwhelmed with despair at the thought of never having another child. I went in to wake G from her nap and she said with a quizzical look on her face; "I'm having troubles waking up mama." and in that sweet moment I knew I want to keep trying.
I am not one of those girls who dreamed of being a mother her whole life. I was pretty adamant I was not a breeder. Until I met J, at which point I was.....fine with it I guess is how you describe it. 'It'd be nice' is how I thought. G changed all that. Of course she did. I enjoy my time with her to the fullest, I miss her when I go grocery shopping without her, I don't get overwhelmed about how much she needs me. This sounds judgmental to those who don't feel that way, and I promise it is not. I understand struggling with what you're doing and how you "should" feel, I don't think ill of those who desire or have to work, who need time away from their children. I'm jealous actually, at some point my kid will not need me as much and I will flounder. But right now I am lucky to have the support of my in laws damn near all the time, so even though J has been killing himself working I still get my hour of exercise every night. Between that, playdates, and naptime I'm feeling my needs are pretty balanced with hers. After the first hormone/post partum psychosis/sleep deprivation filled year, motherhood has made me very very happy.
At this moment, right now, I'm not wiling to give up my dream of having another child. I will do what I do best, and allow my new reality to infiltrate my being, and then shove it to the side to be staunchly ignored until circumstances force otherwise. Aka being pregnant. At which point I will have an anxiety attack lasting right around the entire duration of being pregnant. But for now LA LA LA I can't hear you!
Now I need your help. I am the shittiest family member ever, I admit to this, I don't talk about these things with them. I beat back any inquiries with FINE, I'M FINE. They have no idea about any of this and they deserve to know. So I'm emailing them. My dad, mom, sisters and grandparents, although I may leave out the still trying part because I still have trouble feeling like I deserve the right to try. My problem is the subject line. "Autopsy Results" seems.....heart attacky. So I need something that kind of prepares them for shitty blunt news but doesn't make them think I'm about to throw myself off a bridge. Any ideas?
My friend has decided to go Pollyanna on me and texted me; So there's a 75% chance it'll be fine? Which is a nice way to go I guess. So I've been daydreaming about my 3 perfect chance babies. I could get pregnant with triplets, deliver at 37ish weeks, we've got room, it'd be fine.
I have no trouble with reality right?
In order for my Little M to have had such a severe case J and I both have to carry the polycystic kidney disease recessive gene, (hence the name). Which means every time we conceive there's a 1 in 4 chance our baby will get this. It is her opinion the early loss, between Little T and Little M was just a normal early miscarriage, (HA.) but she didn't have an opinion on whether Little T could have had this too. Little M was fine in my womb, he didn't have any issues other than he couldn't survive out of my body. Little T died all on his own, so it could have been something else completely.
There is no prevention, there is no early detection. All my blood tests and ultra sounds looked fabulous until around 18 weeks. Then the blood tests came back bad and it was discovered I no longer had amniotic fluid. Should we get knocked up the recommendation is to be sent to the high definition ultra sound office at around 11 weeks to see if the kidneys seem bright. For reals. Bright. And then decide if I want an amnio or whatever other awful tests they have available. Otherwise it's wait and see. I'd have to get around halfway through my pregnancy before finding out how the genes tumbled.
I'm really really struggling with this. 1 in 4. I'm just....sad. Yesterday I was mentally going over the odds, my wants, the strength of my relationships, every thing just pressing down on me. I mean honestly, how many babies can I kill before my face melts off and I turn into a screamy soul thing in the depths of hell like on Constantine? Metaphorically. As an atheist with Buddhist leanings I don't technically believe in hell. Although, if it meant I got to hang out with Gavin Rossdale....He was pretty whiny in that movie though.
I went to change the laundry, next to the loathsome Guest Room and I was overwhelmed with despair at the thought of never having another child. I went in to wake G from her nap and she said with a quizzical look on her face; "I'm having troubles waking up mama." and in that sweet moment I knew I want to keep trying.
I am not one of those girls who dreamed of being a mother her whole life. I was pretty adamant I was not a breeder. Until I met J, at which point I was.....fine with it I guess is how you describe it. 'It'd be nice' is how I thought. G changed all that. Of course she did. I enjoy my time with her to the fullest, I miss her when I go grocery shopping without her, I don't get overwhelmed about how much she needs me. This sounds judgmental to those who don't feel that way, and I promise it is not. I understand struggling with what you're doing and how you "should" feel, I don't think ill of those who desire or have to work, who need time away from their children. I'm jealous actually, at some point my kid will not need me as much and I will flounder. But right now I am lucky to have the support of my in laws damn near all the time, so even though J has been killing himself working I still get my hour of exercise every night. Between that, playdates, and naptime I'm feeling my needs are pretty balanced with hers. After the first hormone/post partum psychosis/sleep deprivation filled year, motherhood has made me very very happy.
At this moment, right now, I'm not wiling to give up my dream of having another child. I will do what I do best, and allow my new reality to infiltrate my being, and then shove it to the side to be staunchly ignored until circumstances force otherwise. Aka being pregnant. At which point I will have an anxiety attack lasting right around the entire duration of being pregnant. But for now LA LA LA I can't hear you!
Now I need your help. I am the shittiest family member ever, I admit to this, I don't talk about these things with them. I beat back any inquiries with FINE, I'M FINE. They have no idea about any of this and they deserve to know. So I'm emailing them. My dad, mom, sisters and grandparents, although I may leave out the still trying part because I still have trouble feeling like I deserve the right to try. My problem is the subject line. "Autopsy Results" seems.....heart attacky. So I need something that kind of prepares them for shitty blunt news but doesn't make them think I'm about to throw myself off a bridge. Any ideas?
My friend has decided to go Pollyanna on me and texted me; So there's a 75% chance it'll be fine? Which is a nice way to go I guess. So I've been daydreaming about my 3 perfect chance babies. I could get pregnant with triplets, deliver at 37ish weeks, we've got room, it'd be fine.
I have no trouble with reality right?
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
"If you diss the Fett the again, I will corn-hole you with a lightsaber!"
My thoughts and emotions are weighing me down, heavy with the previous 2 years of conception and loss. We are beginning The Time of Pregnancy. Fucking Fall. No, I'm not knocked up, I just was this time last year, and as of the end of this month, this time the year before. The autopsy results are in, the genetic counselor is going over them with the geneticist, and then with us. Fridayish we should hear from her. I'm scared shitless.
One of the first blogs I read off of myspazz remains one of my favorites to this day.
http://anymommyoutthere.com/
Her awesome humor, outlook, and warm loving words have never failed me. She is pregnant with her miracle baby, the one doctors told her her body would never be able to carry after complications from the delivery of her previous child, only to find out it is incompatible with life outside the womb. Those fucking words. My heart breaks for her, and me and all of us.
I need something, other then an afternoon cocktail, so in an attempt at self preservation, it's time for The Two Songs That.... Are From Actors That Can Sing.
The first one is Brittney Murphy. I was so sad when she died, she had such talent, in acting, as well as singing it turns out. Those with who have watched Happy Feet knew this already, she had an amazing voice, but she released a song that I really liked. It's poppy, club dancey, just what I need today.
The 2nd one is Jaimie Foxx. The song I picked does not show off his voice, it's all computer synthesized and junk, but the video made me laugh, so it's the one I chose. It was in the movie Ray I found out how well he sings and plays the piano, very impressive discovery from In Living Color's Sha Nae Nae.
I love watching movies where the actors sing, dance and act, these abilities used to be a requirement of entertainers, I like when it's used to help the story along. It's always a plus when we can look beyond the boobs and six packs. (Not ALL the time of course, shit, don't get carried away.) Anyway, you should see G do Singin' in the Rain, watch out world!!
One of the first blogs I read off of myspazz remains one of my favorites to this day.
http://anymommyoutthere.com/
Her awesome humor, outlook, and warm loving words have never failed me. She is pregnant with her miracle baby, the one doctors told her her body would never be able to carry after complications from the delivery of her previous child, only to find out it is incompatible with life outside the womb. Those fucking words. My heart breaks for her, and me and all of us.
I need something, other then an afternoon cocktail, so in an attempt at self preservation, it's time for The Two Songs That.... Are From Actors That Can Sing.
The first one is Brittney Murphy. I was so sad when she died, she had such talent, in acting, as well as singing it turns out. Those with who have watched Happy Feet knew this already, she had an amazing voice, but she released a song that I really liked. It's poppy, club dancey, just what I need today.
The 2nd one is Jaimie Foxx. The song I picked does not show off his voice, it's all computer synthesized and junk, but the video made me laugh, so it's the one I chose. It was in the movie Ray I found out how well he sings and plays the piano, very impressive discovery from In Living Color's Sha Nae Nae.
I love watching movies where the actors sing, dance and act, these abilities used to be a requirement of entertainers, I like when it's used to help the story along. It's always a plus when we can look beyond the boobs and six packs. (Not ALL the time of course, shit, don't get carried away.) Anyway, you should see G do Singin' in the Rain, watch out world!!
Saturday, September 1, 2012
Saturday Satire
What is your favorite Kool-Aid flavor?
Lemonade.
Do you have a wireless keyboard and mouse?
I'm typing on my BiL's laptop.
Last sporting event you watched on tv or in person?
The Olympics, those 2 volley ball players that won the gold, I watched the last minute of the match and never heard of them before in my life but I was CRYING my eyes out for like 5 minutes. *sniff sniff* I'm still getting choked up. Those girls make me want to do sit ups though, damn.
Who makes the best fudge?
I did some decent dairy free fudge. My kid liked it.
Do you like it when toothpaste bubbles in your mouth?
I don't, it makes me gag.
Do you believe that the world is gonna end at 2012?
*Looks at watch* I'm hoping no.
How many songs are on your iPod or MP3 Player?
Ummm. Shit. 10,395. But they are from everyone on the compound so there may or may not be John fucking Tesh and Natalie Merchant on there. Bleh.
Have you ever made your own survey?
I have, but it was like 8 years ago, I was really drunk, and it was for myspace.
Can you swear inside your house?
Um. I hope so.
Do you save Bed Bath and Beyond coupons?
I don't. Do they exist still? I thought they went out of business.
Have you ever had a pet goldfish?
No.
When did you last eat waffles?
My husband's birthday? Father's day?
What is the most overrated thing in your opinion?
Personal opinions. Except mine.
Do you have a video Skype account?
I don't.
What color is your bed comforter?
Dark grey. Or gray?
Does being in love make you gain weight?
Ahahahaha!!! I can attest that I gained 15 pounds within 18 months of meeting my husband, BUT it was because I wanted to cuddle instead of do the 300 sit ups and 100 push ups I did every night, and he took me out ot eat instead of me living on vodka and tomato soup. So I'm not sure how to answer that. It did for me? Also, the first 10 pounds were much needed.
Dumbest person you know? and why?
I don't know dumb people.
Do your parents have home videos of you as a kid?
No.
How old is your oldest cousin?
Shiiiit. I don't know any from my dad's side and that's where they would be from so I can't answer that.
If you HAD to get a tattoo, where and what would it be?
My next tattoo will be a poem and I'm undecided where it will be.
Do you think Obama has tried drugs?
Better question; do I give a shit? No.
What color is your bra or boxers?
Black.
What is your favorite radio station?
I don't have one. I'm a surfer, never satisfied.
What ethnicity was your last ex?
White.
What brand is your refrigerator?
Kitchenaid.
How many people do you know that are pregnant?
Fuck. That's a loaded question, because I read a bunch of blogs where people are knocked up. I guess the people I may actually meet the kid; 2.
Do you have a picture with your middle finger up?
Possibly....
When is the last time you went to a birthday party?
Last Saturday. It was my kid's. I threw it and junk so I had to go.
What is the best thing to happen to you this year so far?
Every good morning kiss.
How long have you lived in the house you live in?
1 year and 3 months.
Do you read a newspaper daily?
No.
Anything your really afraid of?
TONS.
Do you read tabloids?
While I'm waiting in line at the check out. Oh! And I read What Would Tyler Durden Do? Which is like an online tabloid because it is DAMN funny.
Have you ever had a really bad haircut?
I did. The Lesbian Soccer Mom haircut. I cried for 3 months. Turns out the shorter my hair is the BIGGER it gets. Awkward.
Do you like your peanut butter crunchy or creamy?
Creamy.
What is the scariest movie you've ever seen?
No clue.
Have you ever ridden a skateboard?
Poorly.
Do you drink enough water on a daily basis?
Doubtful.
Would you burn the American flag for a million dollars?
What?! I'm not answering that.
The main thing you cant leave your house without?
My phone of course. I'm one of Them.
Do you think the economy is improving yet?
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!
When was the last time you read a book?
Like a month maybe?
Where did you get that shirt you're wearing?
Ross.
Do you play pranks on April Fools Day?
I don't. I don't care.
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