Life Changing Weight Loss Plan (kind of)

These days it seems like every post I see on Facebook goes to one extreme or another, and post baby weight loss is no exception. You see those before and after pictures of these awesome moms who manage to keep their kids alive AND stay fit. Then you see the half naked pictures glorifying stretch marks. (insert an eye roll here). And I'm over here like: "Why can't we just settle in the middle?" Why can't we post on facebook about something other than the latest fad diet or workout plan we are on? Like, good for you. Why can't we wear clothes in the pictures we post? If you can't tell you've lost weight with clothes on, then how does it even matter?! And it's awesome that you love your post partum stretch marked body. Truly, it is. And our bodies are things of beauty. But can we all just admit it? Stretch marks are a part of the sacrifice we make to bring babies into this world. And why do we say that? Because it's a sacrifice! NOBODY looks at my inch thick stretch marks on my thighs that no amount of tanning or weight loss has faded and thinks "Man, I wish I had her beauty marks!"

Now, I realize that my beachbody and crossfit friends who read this will say that it reads like an awful lot of excuses. And you'd be partly right. Frankly, I don't care to exist in a world (of my own making, mind you) where Costco muffins, soft serve ice cream, and sour cream don't exist (and I love yogurt and greek yogurt but they ARE NOT THE SAME). I realize that if I were to quit eating sugar and refined foods my body would quit craving them. But guess what? I'm going to say it. These things make me happy. *gasp*

I believe in working out. And I do it. I walk and fitness blend to my little heart's desire. But you know what I won't do? I won't eat a different dinner than I prep for my family. I won't weigh my food in front of my 6 year old who is forming her opinions about her own body. I won't let food and how much I get to eat and when rule my life. I've tried it all guys. Cabbage soup. Portion control. Calorie counting. Keto. Macros. And maybe I just suck at it. But it took me all. day. to decide what I could eat to meet my diet's restrictions. And I did lose weight. But it wasn't a healthy place for me or my girls.

I don't want my kids to remember me dropping them off at the gym daycare for 2 hours a day. I don't want my kids to remember asking me why I wasn't eating ice cream on their birthday. I don't want my kids to remember me obsessing about my weight and only being happy with my body if I am a certain size. Do I want to be skinny? Heck yes. But guess what I want more? Time with my kids. I know some argue that if you aren't healthy and in a good place you can't love your kids to the fullest. And I get that sentiment. But it's just not for me.

Now, this is coming from a place of non-judgement. I don't think it's a bad thing for you to use a gym daycare. It's just not good for me. I don't think Beach body and cross fit are bad. They're just not right for me at this time in my life. I've got 5 kids 6 and under who will be a little bigger tomorrow than they are today. And at the end of a long and trying day of motherhood? I don't want to escape to the gym. I want to escape to Walmart and buy something I don't need on clearance, eat a free cookie, and snag a milkshake on my way home for the hubby and me. So sue me.

Those of you who manage to do the whole motherhood gig and still keep yourselves fit and trim? You're just all that and a bag of chips. And you're great. As for me? What good does it do me to be all that and a bag of chips if I can't even eat the chips? So you keep doing that. And I'll eat your chips :)

Evan Dean's Birth Story

January 8th was going to be the perfect day. My mom was in town, induction was set, and I was going to quit being pregnant. But, as I am constantly reminded, things don't go according to plan more often than they do. We called the hospital at 5:30 and said we were ready to come up. They told us to call back at 8. I just feel like you shouldn't make a pregnant woman get up at 4:30 and then deny them! :) So we went back to bed super dejected and frustrated. We didn't sleep. I got up and got breakfast made and Addy off to school. We called the hospital. They said to call back at 10. We played a card game with my mom. We built a ton of crap with the kids' new magnet blocks. I cleaned some stuff. At 10 they told us 1. At 1 they told us 3. I was discouraged and frustrated. How dare those women all choose to go into labor on my day?!
FINALLY at 3, they told us to come up at 3:30. The nurse told Scott there wasn't any huge hurry and Scott replied "We've been waiting all day! We'll be there early" haha. So we left! We joked on the way to the hospital because I chided Scott for speeding a little (like 6 over) and he said if we got pulled over, we'd just say we were on the way to the hospital and instructed me to scream a little. It was fun to joke and laugh and be excited about having a baby again after waiting all day.
We got to the hospital and our nurse told us it had been a crazy day and that I was her fourth patient that day. She was relieved I was getting an epidural because she'd had 2 natural births and she said that those ones are exhausting for everyone involved. I was happy to give her an easier delivery! Another nurse came in to get my IV started. She was super quick and I was glad to have the worse part behind me. I absolutely HATE getting IV's! I got really warm and queasy but oxygen and a cold washcloth took care of that. By 4:15 I was getting pitocin at a level 1. I had been having tiny contractions pretty regularly on my own, some of them so small I couldn't even feel them but the monitor picked them up.

 All ready to hurry up and get going!

 An "I love you" for the kids

At 4:55 they rolled in an ultrasound to verify that the baby was head down. I had never had this done except when Grace had backed up and turned sideways so I asked if there was any concern. I could feel that he was head down and he had been at every OB check since 35 weeks. My nurse informed me that it was their policy with every induction to do this and that she wasn't sure why I'd never had one. So they started and Scott joked about verifying he was a boy, which they wouldn't do lol. They also couldn't tell if he was head down...I felt like it was a lazy attempt because they only checked down really low. Seems to me that you could verify by finding his legs and spine but...oh well. Doctor Jones came in at 5:45 and within 30 seconds had verified his position as head down but posterior. He assured me that most babies turn and it wasn't a big deal and broke my water. Holy crap, there was a lot of water. I was at a 3 and 80%.
At this point I could feel my contractions and got the okay for an epidural any time and the lady was already doing another one so I said that when she was done she could come do mine while she was here. We also had a shift change and I was introduced to my new nurse. She was very young and had only been nursing for 2 years. I was a little bit nervous. She was very kind, and sweet but seemed a little uncertain. Luckily this first impression was wrong and I ended up really liking her. Usually they up my pitocin every hour or so a couple clicks, but my contractions were strong and steady at a 1 and so they left it. I think my body was pretty much doing it on its own, which was new and a nice change. At 7:25 the epidural showed up.
Scott and I expressed our concerns and the fact that we hadn't had an epidural work right except once, out of the 7 I've had. The gal was super confident (almost annoyingly so) and said that she had never had any of the problems that I had with her epidurals. She was quick, and I felt the tingle in my toes...but it never got higher than that. We pushed the button they give you that shoots an extra dose twice and still I was feeling everything. At 8:00 Doc Jones came and checked me and I was at a 4 and a half and 80%. I was pretty happy with that progress and pretty unhappy with my epidural. My nurse said that she would page anesthesia.
At 9:00 I still hadn't seen the anesthesiologist and Scott was getting annoyed that we were going to pay $1500 for me to still be in pain...again. I asked my nurse to check me and she said I was at a 5.5. I told her I was already starting to feel pressure and she told me that the baby was still pretty high up. She joked that it was probably a lofty goal but she thought I might have the baby within the hour. I told her to go ahead and do a catheter and that would fix the problem of the baby being high up. She did and then asked if I had every used a peanut pillow...which I hadn't. She brought one in. It's basically a pillow that goes between your legs and helps support your hips (mine were sore). After about 10 minutes with that I asked her to check me again. I think she was kind of skeptical but she did. She said I was at a 6 now and 100% effaced and that she could feel the baby's ear, which meant that he was turning. I could feel absolutely everything. She was trying to determine how little my epidural was effecting me by asking what I could feel. We determined that the thing hadn't worked at all above my knees. While she was checking me she got a funny look on her face. She told me that I was suddenly at a 9.5 and this baby was gonna be born soon. She ran out to call the doctor.
While she was gone, I told Scott that he had better go get her right now, like run, because this baby was going to be born right now. He ran into the hall and I remember being kind of annoyed that he left the door open with me all gowned up lol. After about 2 seconds of him being out there I had a super strong contraction and I knew that it was all about to be over. I yelled for Scott. I meant to use words like "hurry!" or "Hey Scott!" but I think it just came out a holler. I remember being embarrassed and then getting over it really quick when three nurses rushed in and I realized that we were doing this now and I was going to just get it done.
In the past, I had thought that my epidurals had been completely worn off by the time I was pushing, but it turns out, they'd helped a little...What followed was a complete out of body experience. I yelled several times. I told off the nurse who told me to breathe (I think I said, "You breathe like that while you pull him out!"), and Evan came out. It was insanely fast. Like, nobody even held my legs, there was no "formal" pushing. From the time I was a 9 to the time he was born was about 7 minutes. One nurse caught the baby, my nurse stood by my head, and one took care of him when he came out. The oldest nurse couldn't have been 30 and only 1 had every assisted in a delivery that the doctor missed. The only thing that showed any of their feelings was when my nurse stood by my head and said "Doctor is on his way, let's just try to wait" and then looked down and said, "Oh my gosh!" lol. He wasn't waiting. He was born at 9:31 weighing 7 lbs and 10 ounces and 20.5 inches long. My doctor came in and delivered the placenta. I hadn't torn, which I was very relieved about. This was my first delivery without stitches! And the pitocin never got turned above a 1! I was glad that my first nurse had gotten to go home because it turned out to be kind of a stressful and natural delivery after all!
The plan was to just give me Evan right away but I was in no shape. I was shaking uncontrollably (something about adrenaline, they said) and crying uncontrollably. I remember feeling slightly guilty that I was crying because I was just completely worn out and overwhelmed and not happy tears because I was a mom again...The nurse asked me if I wanted him or if she should weigh and evaluate him. I opted for the second to gain some composure. After the placenta was delivered, they brought him back to me and it was the happy moment that I couldn't have just a few minutes before. He was crying but stopped as soon as I put my hand on his face. We had some skin to skin time and he quieted down and just slept on me until he was ready to try nursing, which he is a champ at. Scott was instantly in love with him and kept telling me how proud of me he was, which helped me to not be so resentful of the experience lol.

All freshly born and sticky and puffy and stuff

Daddy holding him for the first time. It's always one of my favorite hospital moments.

Warming up

Evan immediately was soothed by either holding our hand 

or having a hand on his head 3>

I was able to get up and shower without any problems (turns out that's easy when your epidural doesn't work haha). I was very thankful to my nurse who sweetly offered to hold the baby while Scott helped me in the bathroom. And she actually held him instead of putting him in the warmer. She was very sweet with the baby and kept telling me how cute he was. Which any mother loves to hear :)
We got moved into the mother baby unit and tried to get some sleep. I slept with the baby all night. I loved it. The nurses left us alone since we were both healthy and exhausted and didn't come in (except once to give me pain meds) until 8 the next morning.

My doctor was so apologetic about missing the delivery. Frankly, I'm kind of glad because I really like and respect him and I'm sort of glad he missed all the yelling and complete loss of control. I'm also pretty glad that I've trained my mind not to think swear words because had one crossed my mind while that was all going on, I would have said it!
Having the kids come was so fun and special. Grace in particular has been very excited about this baby and seeing her meet him and hold him was so amazing to me. Everyone is adjusting well. Except maybe Ethan but that's to be expected. Evan is such a sweet baby and so chill. He doesn't sleep great (at night), but hey, he's not even 2 weeks old. We love our Evan Deany baby and are so grateful for him in our family.

 First bath getting ready to meet his siblings

 Our nurse just brought us stuff and left it so Scott did the whole bath alone...about time they let him, it being baby number 5 and all...

 Mimi was a bit tired after dealing with the other 4 all weekend ;)

After that delivery, I'm thinking maybe we just be done lol. It was the worst few hours of my life! But then I look at that baby and, I don't know, it's just somehow worth it...

Just...Thinkin'

I'm a thinker. And I don't mean that I'm super intelligent. I don't even mean that I'm moderately average in the intelligence department. I just mean that I analyze and over-analyze everything. I have a feeling and I just can't stop thinking about it until I can identify "why" I had it, what it means, and the depth and meaning of it. Even when there usually isn't any such aspect :)

But one thing that has gotten me thinking and thinking and thinking is the huge differences in our lives since changing employment. Leaving BYU-Idaho for ATS Inland Northwest took a leap of faith. Our insurance payments went way up (double) and our coverage went down slightly (though it's still good insurance since they're self insured). Scott commutes to Idaho Falls every day instead of being located just a few minutes away. We weren't sure what this new job would entail or bring. But we knew that we felt good about it and we knew that we were ready to be done with audio engineering as a career, at least for now.

So now, of course, I'm so blissfully happy and I have this disease where I have to figure out why. *sigh*

Here's some things I came up with. Now, when writing these posts, I do it for myself. I do it so that I can remember and look back and recall impressions and promptings I've had. I'm very careful not to bash BYU-Idaho, because we so greatly LOVE BYU-Idaho and believe in its mission and goals. We fully support the university going forward and I hope that my kids get their education here. I love it. But working there as an audio engineer wasn't always peachy. We had amazing insurance. We had a steady job and stable income. We were so very blessed. But hi. As a mom with Post Partum Depression with 3 and then 4 young children at home, those 18 hour days 6-7 days a week were just not great fun. Scott is my best friend and it got pretty old saying goodbye to him all groggy in my pajamas and yesterday's makeup and not saying "hello" again until 11 at night back in my pajamas with whatever semblance of "getting ready" I had done that day being 12 hours old and in a state of complete exhaustion and survival mode. So there you have it. I'm really diggin' the 7-4 workday 5 days a week. Bliss. Pure bliss.

There are so many different things about ATS, and they aren't always black and white. It's not like "oh, BYU-Idaho did this so wrong and ATS has it perfect." But there are some subtle differences and some not-so-subtle. And some of those things are things that BYU-Idaho did and some were things that Scott's department or supervisor did. Confused? Yeah. I realize that's just mucky. So here's some examples:

• ATS sends my kids birthday cards. Holy awesome. So small, my kids probably won't remember while they're this young, but I will. Our family is a part of Scott's job. He doesn't have to segregate his life.
• ATS treats it's employees like blessings rather than acting like a blessing for their employees. Now, let me further explain this. We went to a lot of functions at BYU-Idaho, between the two of us. One of those is an all employee dinner where employees and their spouses come and mingle and eat and listen to a little devotional. We heard all the time that working at BYU-Idaho is so amazing and that God called each of us there and that management wished that every person could leave BYU-Idaho and work somewhere else and then come back so they could fully appreciate how great that place is to work. And ya know, I kind of agree. It is a great place to work. Those employees are working for something great, they're working for an amazing cause. And we did feel like Heavenly Father wanted us there and guided us to that job and opened those doors for us. But guess what? It's still "just" a job. I listened to an alumni webcast once where the speaker spoke about how he was sitting in his office working on something or other for work and then realized he was missing his kid's soccer game. And then that he felt comforted because he was where he was supposed to be and that his family would understand and support him. That just, like, SUPER bugged me. Dude. You work for BYU-Idaho. Yay. But your kid's soccer game is still more important. I don't want to judge, and maybe he made it to every other soccer game his kid played and I'm sure that he's an amazing husband and father. But this just didn't fit my idea of what I wanted for my family. ATS realizes that Scott's family comes first. They expect him to do his job and fulfill his responsibilities, but they also acknowledge that he has a family and that we need him too. And they treat him like he's an asset to them rather than the other way around. Does that even make sense?
• ATS doesn't do potlucks. Now, don't get me wrong. I love a good potluck. But when I get invited to a family appreciation event and don't have to make part of the meal, it's just an added bonus. I know, super entitled.
• ATS encourages spouses and families to accompany their dads on trips. For example, this week, we got to go to Miles City with Scott for a few days while he worked there. Scott was there with a coworker who was very accommodating and encouraging of us being there. BYU-Idaho does not allow children on business trips ever, and spouses only with special approval. I understand that family coming along can be distracting and I guess I understand why they say that. I'm not saying it's an awful policy. But it is nice that ATS allows and Scott's supervisor encourages him to use opportunities to take us with him. I do think it's a little lame that your employer tells you who you can and cannot hang out with and see when you're done working at 5 out of town...
• ATS is very transparent. There's not a ton of middle management. Perks of a smaller company, I guess. Scott has met all the higher ups and they're all very friendly and personable. At the Christmas party they made sure to all come and meet him and meet me. They wanted our picture so they could remember who we are. They treated us like family. I'm not saying this didn't happen at BYU-Idaho (it probably did more so in other departments, however). I'm just saying that it's a nice feeling and a nice bonus at ATS.
• I feel welcome at ATS. I've gone a couple of times to drop things off to Scott that he's forgotten or to take him lunch, and everyone always smiles at us. They smile at my kids. They know my name. Except Scott's boss, who calls me Juliet because Scott is so in love me that he's gotta be Romeo. And you know what? I like that he notices and doesn't have a problem with it! 
• Room to grow. At BYU-Idaho, we could have stayed for 30 years and never gotten promoted. There was really no "up" to go, other than Scott's boss' job. There's small annual raises, but there's not a ton of room to move up. ATS? Tons. Of. Room. And they're very supportive of goals and ambition. Scott feels a whole new kind of motivation and drive. It's refreshing. 

How many posts am I going to write about ATS being so amazing? I don't know. But man, it just is. And I am so grateful and love it so much. 

This is happiness

Shauna and I have a rule. We do not go more than 2 months without seeing each other. Really it would be stupid to since we are both totally dependent upon one another to keep our sanity and we are only 3 hours apart. This time it was Shauna's turn to come see us :) And we got the added bonus of my dad planning my mom a weekend trip for Valentine's day to see the grandbabies (but mostly so my dad could meet Evalee :). My girls were so excited to meet and hold their new cousin, the first girl cousin on my side of the family. I don't think Shauna was here for two minutes before we took these pictures lol.

Grace had been saying for days that when Evie got here she was gonna hold her hand and say "nice to meet you Evalee." And she did. It was hilariously cute. Here is a video from a few days before she came. I did not prompt this at all, other than telling her she'd meet her cousin. I sure love my Gracie.

I love how much my kids love Shauna. It's the best ever. And she's so good to them. We always joke that we love each other's kids an irrational amount for the fact that they aren't our own :)

My brother is doing his business class where they actually have to run a business. They are doing wings and steak fries in the crossroads on campus. So we went to grab some! We had to park way up where no one with 6 kids in tow should ever have to park. But these two boys snuggled each other the entire half mile walk. I'm serious, we were all dying. Anyone who knows Jordan knows that this is not normal for him! They played together so well all week! They shared and laughed and chased and didn't ever even squeal or fight. That's boys for ya!

Mimi hogged Evalee. But I allowed it because we got 2 days with Shauna that she wasn't here for :)

Beefy and Jordan aren't super excited about holding Evie. But I guess that's just the age lol.

I mean, seriously, she just melts me. She's so perfect and smiley and content and she sleeps so dang cute!

We introduced Grandpa to the Elephant and Piggie books by Mo Willem. They're our favorites. We get some every time we go to the library. Grandpa laughed and laughed with the girls. I love my dad.

Grace's favorite person in the whole world is "Untle Wessy." He is pretty great...

She's the cutes little naked ever!!!

My mom will hate this picture but it's the only one where he's not trying to push her off...he is smiling because he just stole her binky :)

And this is from a couple weeks ago, but it's so stinking cute. Ethan discovered drinking fountains at church and now he just dashes for them. I mean seriously, he beat us out of the chapel by a good 5 minutes yesterday, just wiggled through the crowd and made his way straight to the drinking fountain. At 15 months old he has officially hit the "oh my gosh, please go to nursery" phase where he refuses to sit on our lap and instead just gets into everyone's things, runs into the hall, tries to play the piano, etc. But I am actually enjoying it this time around. For the first time I'm not 8 months pregnant or toting a newborn so...my patience for his antics is a little more than it was with my girls, perhaps. Plus, he's just so dashing ;)

One more funny Ethan thing...so every day we facetime Shauna (seriously though, when we miss it we get depressed) and she always tries to get Jordan to say "Shiloh." So now Ethan has picked up on that. Jordan doesn't say it, but Ethan does, and he thinks it's Shauna's name! It cracks me up! And I encourage it because one thing that makes me sad about being a mom is that my kids don't call me Shiloh. I always loved how cute babies and little kids said it! And now I get to hear it all the time lol.

In short we had an amazing President's Day weekend with my family. Just as a side note, it was awesome to have my parents to ourselves (sorry siblings). They just got to be Mimi and Grandpa for a weekend and it was glorious. I hope they loved it as much as my kids did.

*Disclaimer: Tony and Torey were a great part of our weekend too, but somehow they didn't make it into any pictures...I guess that's what you get when you live here :S

Valentine's Day :)

I LOVE Valentine's Day. Probably a silly amount. But growing up, my mom always did a little 12 days of Valentine's for my dad and I adopted that tradition. I love it. It's so fun to come up with silly, simple, little gifts for my husband each day. It really helps me to focus on the positive and how much I love him. Because I really, really do. Especially lately. Turns out, if you spend more time with someone you love, you just love them more (at least for me lol). Truthfully, we don't spend THAT much more time together than we did when he worked at BYU-Idaho, but they are just different times. For one thing, he sees the kids every day, which wasn't always the case at BYU-Idaho. I get to watch him parent every day. And I have his help every day. He gets home at 4:30 instead of 11 at night so...I see him when I'm not totally wasted and half asleep. I see him for weekends, uninterrupted. For me, that's just so huge. Anyway, can you tell I LOVE our new job? I mean, for real. I thought that after 4 months the honey moon stage would be over but... ATS saved my life. It came at the perfect time for me and for our family and for our marriage (not that any of those things were in jeopardy, but we just really needed the change). 

Okay. Valentine's Day. I apparently don't love it as much as our new job lol. SO the kids had a lovey dovey breakfast of heart pancakes :) They were all pretty excited :)

I don't really do gifts for the kids for Valentines day. To me, it's more of a husband/wife thing. But we do talk about loving everybody and each other and have a little treat :) They got little cups with some conversation hearts and pink sixlets. Ethan was so funny discovering them!

Scott and I kind of rotate who is in charge of the actual Valentine's date. I had 6 little bags with little gifts or activities in them all set up for him for when the kids went to bed. They all went to sleep within 10 minutes of bedtime, which was a miracle! We had so much fun together. It was such a great reminder of why we are best friends :) We can just laugh being silly and hanging out. 

One of our little games was a challenge to see who could write our love story the best or most creative with 15 conversation hearts. It was so fun to read each other's stories and giggle about how we ended up married :)

Seriously, I don't know why, but this picture makes me so happy. Maybe it's because he's writing our love story. Maybe it's his glasses that I just think are super hot. Maybe it's that smile. And perhaps most of all it's that he's writing a love story with conversation hearts and going along with my mushy gushy game :) Let's be honest. It's the grilled pineapple! Mouth. Watering.

We cooked dinner together (appetizer night) and played a few games, had a bubble blowing contest (turns out you can blow giant bubbles with half a roll of bubble gum tape!) and I'll spare you the rest :) I love you so much Scott. You are so amazing and I am so glad that we are married. I am so glad that I chose you. I am so glad that we both ended up in our FHE group and that you dared to tell me you wouldn't date me (it's true what they say about forbidden fruit lol). I am so happy with our life and our marriage. You're the bestest ever. We love you so much. Happy February babe!

Merry Christmas!

Oh my gosh. I didn't even blog about Christmas. It was wonderful. And crazy and busy and stressful lol. My kids all got deathly ill with some awful cold that rendered them all useless for days. Luckily, the Christmas festivities kept their spirits high. And their cousin ended up in the hospital with some infection that took him and my brother completely our of commission for a while...so hey, it could have been worse! We love being at Mimi's house. Christmas is just magical, isn't it? So much excitement and fun and gratitude and kindness. I'm just going to throw all these pictures here because I can't not.  Forgive the few blurry ones I took before realizing that a kid had smeared my lens with something translucent :) Merry Christmas! Even if it is January :)