My Son

To start off, let me just clearly state that I love my son dearly. We can talk about anything under the sun, we have similar senses of humor, enjoy the same sorts of movies, TV shows, books, games, etc.

However.....

At 14 years of age, he is proving to be more and more aggravating and worrisome. He hasn't done any BIG bad things, just a little thing here, a small thing there... Not coming home when he's supposed to, not being where he said he was going to be (with friend B, not friend A, etc.), doesn't answer his phone when we call. Little things.

Then this weekend, there was a festival in town, the last big 'party' of the summer. We let him go with some friends, he came home when he was supposed to, everything seemed fine.

Until he breathed on his dad and there was the unmistakable stench of cigarette on his breath. And he lied about it, to his dad and to me. Until we clearly explained that just being near people who are smoking would not concentrate the smell on his breath but not his clothing. So he 'fessed up that he took a couple of puffs from a stranger's cigarette.

He's on restriction now (can't go to friends homes or out with friends, but they can come here, staying in our house and yard or out in the court), after being talked to by DH and I together and separately. No yelling or screaming, not even by DH, just calm talking about how dangerous such activities are, how trying one thing just to try it or attempt to fit in could lead to more and more dangerous choices, how much heartache there would be if he got involved in said activities. He was tearing up as I talked to him about how much we loved him and how hurt we would be if he tried drugs or alcohol or any other illegal and dangerous activities. That we were only doing these things because we love him.

He's not happy with the restriction. We're all prepared for the whining and complaining he's going to be putting out there until we lift it. I have told him that if his attitude gets too bad, the restriction will become a complete grounding and he will lose his phone and Internet privileges and won't be allowed to have friends over. We'll have to see how he does.

And, this brings us to today. YC was complaining about not feeling well this morning, so I wanted to take her temperature. A couple of weeks ago, I asked MC to put a thermometer in the kids bathroom ~~ guess what? Not there.

So I looked in OC's room ~~ found papers she was supposed to turn into school, but no thermometer and nothing else that shouldn't be there. And I wasn't really digging, just looked on her desk, on her bedside table, in a desk drawer.

Next stop, MC's room. And there I found MY calligraphy set with all the ink cartridges empty; MY scissors; MY desk organizing box; a bottle of dried oregano (?); knife/scissor sharpener; and the real concern ~~ MY book Breaking the Girl (which I found in the bookcase at the head of his bed).

And so you know, I do not just leave my 'special' books lying around for anyone to see, find, take. They are tucked into cases, onto shelves, behind other vanilla books. Places where they won't be easily seen or found, all in my room. And yet, he had this book in his room....

So, now all those things are sitting on the end of my bed, waiting for him to come home so I can discuss with him how inappropriate it is for a 14 year old to take things from his parents room. I know it's one of those subjects that is unequal ~~ I can search through his room, he can't search through mine ~~ but he's got to understand how wrong it is to take anything from my room, but especially to take a book like that. Aaaggghhh.

Now I can't help but wondering what else he might have stashed away in there that I didn't see. Yeah, it's going to be a wonderful afternoon.

Sex Talk with the Kids

Before I get to the main, here's an update:

Work is still horrible. Still no end in sight (there's a big box of paperwork and my work computer sitting in the kitchen to prove this). I like the manager where I work, I think he's basically a good guy, but he's pretty clearly in over his head -- and the VP has gotten wise. Not sure what the future will bring...

DH and I are getting along, fitting sex in here and there, connecting. Trying to get him to read Tantric Secrets for Men (I had to read it first). Have to get a book cover so he can read it in public (while travelling) without embarrassment -- his request.

Spending a quiet, lazy day home. It's been raining constantly the last 2 days with more to come. We're nowhere near the Gulf Coast but Ike is definitely affecting our weather. What a mess down there. I hope any readers from there are safe and sound and their homes are okay. My sister-in-law and her family live in Houston -- they evacuated.

****************************************************************************

So, to my main topic ---

I have 2 teens, a girl and a boy. And sex-related discussions do occur -- I think I'd be worried if they didn't. General discussions started when my daughter was in 5th grade and had her first sex ed class. The school arranges for the students to attend a special class at the local college health center. They had a meeting for the parents first so we'd know what our children would learn. One thing I really like about the program is that for the basics the boys and girls are together -- learning what both genders experience in puberty. I know some parents were shocked but I think it's great -- removes some of the mystery and ignorance.

We've talked not about how to have sex, but about emotions and consequences and safety. I've told them more than once that I made it through high school without drinking, smoking, drugs or sex and still had a great time, probably a better time than some of the kids I knew who did those things. I never had to worry that someone was going to catch me, that I'd get pregnant, drive drunk, or any of the other things that I saw happen to several students.

I've talked specifically to my daughter about waiting for a man who wants to have sex with her because she's special and he wants to make her feel good, not just take his pleasure. My first time was good, precisely because my boyfriend didn't force anything, helping me relax and pleasuring me until I was ready -- and I enjoyed it. I've heard enough horror stories about miserable first times that I'd rather my daughter didn't have to experience that.

My son gets talks about being responsible and not using a girl just for sex (unless of course, that's what she wants). About condoms and birth control and never to assume a girl is on birth control or disease free just because she says she is.

So what brings this on? A couple discussion with my kids this past week. Last weekend we went to a bookstore (OC needed books for school). Bookophile/readaholic that I am, a bookstore is a dangerous place but I was determined to buy only one book (Tantric Secrets...). So I separate from the kids and head to the Love and Sexuality section, where of course they had several books cover facing out with suggestive pictures. This is where MC found me and started exclaiming that I was in the "dirty book" section. I'm sure I rolled my eyes, looked at him and stated that there is nothing dirty about love and relationships. He just kept repeating "dirty books." Jeeeesh.

We head home. I'm working on my computer, having difficulty figuring something out, when MC enters my room on his way to the laundry room. He offered to help, but since spanking blogs were up, I told him no. His response -- "Why? Is it something inappropriate?" If you could just hear how he says this... Then he notices the tantric secrets book on the bed and starts in on the "dirty book" thing again. Try to tell him again that there is nothing dirty about sex. He stops, then brings up an incident from his sex ed class last year when a fellow student asked the teacher why men like porn but women don't. I stood there for a minute, trying desperately to think how I was going to answer this... Then finally said, seriously, that many women like porn, too, although not necessarily the same type that men like, that we often like something a little more erotic. He got this look on his face and turned to leave the room, shaking his head as he walked out.

I shared all this with DH later on a trip to the store and he got all weirded out that our son would come to me to talk about sex instead of to him. I didn't know what to say. Finally I said that I didn't start this, MC did, and if he's comfortable enough to come and talk to me, I'm not going to turn him away. Sigh.... DH can be a little uptight...

Later, OC came into my room and I related the MC porn question to her. Her response? Well, of course women don't like porn. We're not as sexual and we're not turned on visually. I stared at her, dumbfounded, thinking, "where have I gone wrong?" Then I looked at her and stated seriously that she was wrong, that that is what society and religions have conditioned women to believe but that is not the truth. Now it was her turn to look dumbfounded. I don't think anything else was said, and she left the room.

Talking to MC later about his dads reaction, he stated that he was more comfortable coming to me because I actually answer him (apparently DH just repeats how he needs to be careful and use condoms) and because he finds it helpful and interesting to get a woman's opinion. He's realized that what guys think girls want is not necessarily correct. Smart boy :D

So that pretty much covers the highlights of last week....