I got cancer last year. 

But it wasn’t the kind that I could mope around about and feel sorry for myself over.  It was the “good cancer”, with happy endings and minimal effort for recovery. 

Not for me.

I got cancer, and it made me really sad, and I haven’t gotten over that.  Surgery has come and gone, treatment has come and gone, but I feel a little empty after the whole experience.

I don’t blame cancer, it’s not cancer’s fault I’m sad.  I know the sadness has been there, dormant for a long time now, suppressed pretty well, popping up here and there over the years, but never enough for significant alarm. 

Until now. 

Now it’s so bad that it has to be fixed, and that’s the scariest prospect ever.   Because I know that it’s not the pills that are going to make me better….or maybe it is.  But pills scare me.   So does depression. 

There is so much I want to do that I’m not mentally or emotionally able to do.  I’m trying to let go of my obsession to get it all in order and just get back to writing.  Writing always helped. 

I HAD cancer. 

Now I don’t. 

Somewhere along that road I got really sad.

The hope:  I see who I am under all these depressing layers, but it’s going to take a lot of sorting.

 

Caleb, Caleb, Caleb

March 17th, St. Patrick's Day, and Caleb's birthday.

Four years old!
This birthday is a milestone for him.

Little fighter, it's an understatement for what this kid has inside of him. He plows forward, unstoppable, never slowing, despite all the "disabilities". It doesn't matter, he will always be unbeatable.

And this is what I've always prayed for, that Caleb would be incredible, strong willed, determined, undeterred in everything. Because I knew he would need this kind of stamina and intensity to make it through all the struggles life has and will throw at him.

Never did I imagine that this fulfilled prayer would bring a lot of exhaustion, heartache, confusion and worry.

Never in my life have I had a person elicit so many intense emotions, crazy good and scary bad.

He's a pusher.

Our relationship is complicated.

I have such an intense obsession with his health and happiness and well-being. It's hard, because that battles the need to discipline, provide structure, and ensure emotional stability. This will be our lifelong struggle. I don't know that I can always do what is right for this boy. But I do know that the Lord wouldn't have sent him to me if he didn't think I had a shot at it.

And listening to conference last weekend I felt very blessed to be a mother of a child with a disability. And I also felt strongly impressed upon that I need to strive for the potential that the Lord sees in me, to be a better mother to my kids.

But I also need to see the potential that the Lord sees in Caleb. Nothing is impossible for him, he might be slower at somethings, you might not be able to understand what he's saying to you for a few more years, or maybe longer, but that's why he is who he is.

A fighter.

Couldn't have been any other way.

And no matter how stubborn and frustrating he is, Tom, Talin, Collin, Monet and I have to learn to appreciate that blessing.

That yes, he is a pusher, and it's going to get him through it all.

Enjoy the plethora of pictures. We ended up in the valley last minute to see Adam & Susan who were visiting. So we decided to get pizza and celebrate the birthday with family.

And I'm glad we did, it was great to see everyone.

The Cheetos tower was a huge hit.
I just saw no point in making a cake for Caleb when he doesn't eat cake, or much for that matter.

Grandma Chambers & Caleb

Caleb & Collin

He had a great time, ran around and played like a wild man.

Monet & Grandpa Chambers.

Chambers Clan, eating pizza.

Azure & Caleb

(one of his few relationship that work, only because this girl is tough as nails)

Hendrix clan, eating cake.

Caleb & Tyler

Monet & Daddy

Kraig & Tom

Monet, Azure & Ryder

Wesley & Talin

The big kids.

I LOVE My camera

It used to be that I would take pictures and think, "that's not what my children look like to me".
Finally with my new camera I feel like my pictures look like my children, and now you can see them the way I do.
So much to learn, so many settings and options, but I'm enjoying the practice. And I have gorgeous little models that make it fun.
Talin will always be my tender hearted, trustworthy boy. He plays well with Caleb, which is a difficult thing to do, and I can always hand him Monet and know she'll be entertained, read to and watched over.

And she seems to always be comfortable in his arms. When she was tiny and crying, and I was too busy to get to her right away, Talin would always go to her and walk around the house comforting her. What a boy.

Talking to dad on the speaker phone.

Caleb on the other hand has a more complex relationship with her. He loves her, but also likes to drag her across the tile floor, push her around, try to pick her up and throw toys at her head.

Needless to say I can't leave her unprotected, ever.

And then we have Collin.

This boy is hilarious.

And Monet thinks he's hilarious as well. When he does take the time to acknowledge her, she usually bursts into hysterical laughter at whatever it is he's doing, funny or not.

But that's about as far as the relationship goes. He never wants to hold her or be left in charge of her for a few minutes. He kind of gets a fearful look in his eyes when I ask him to watch his sister for a minute.
To each his own.
I might have Talin walking around the house spouting his impatience to be a father. But I'm equally grateful for Collin's enthusiasm to stay a kid for as long as possible.

My dream has finally come true.

Tom and I have been wanting a nice camera for years now.
Last year we discussed buying it and kept putting the purchase off.
Well finally last week we went ahead and bought our camera, a Rebel T3.
I love it. I haven't had a lot of time to play around with it or read the novel of instructions that come with it, but so far I see a huge difference in the pictures.

I have A LOT to learn which is overwhelming, but it will do for our little world.

My babies

She's on the move! No longer will she have to sit and endure Collin and Talin covering her face with stickers. She can crawl, and boy does she move fast!

I compare Monet to a puppy.

I have to hide shoes from her or she'll chew on them, I have to vacuum more frequently than usual because she finds hidden treasures in our shag carpet, and I have to block her into certain areas by rearranging the furniture so she doesn't have free range of the house. If only I could put her outside like a puppy.

Caleb on the other hand has his own issues.

This is typical Caleb attire as of late. We go nowhere without the boots. And clothes are optional. He's the ridiculous neighbor kid riding his bike down the street dressed like this, or not dressed I should say. I'm sure the neighbors are rolling their eyes and shaking their heads.

And Caleb has become much more interested in Monet now that she seems to be more of a person that eats his toys and precious puzzle pieces.

Their relationship has progressed and now I really can't leave them alone in a room together.

She's starting to get a little hair. It is a cruel injustice though, considering the others were all hobbits at this point.

And my bad mothering here, she's eating Cheetos.

Talin and Monet are a good combination. He loves to take care of her and he's good at it. How many more years till he can babysit? I'm seriously counting down!

The two babies. I can already foresee the love/hate relationship here.

Sundays

Any more Sundays have become a special challenge for Tom and I.

A special difficult challenge.

Too many kids. Too many needs. And not enough hands.

Although they are a handsome bunch.

*

**

Terrible picture of me, but this is how she rolls.

My shoulder and neck usually kills by the end of the afternoon, but she's so happy in her sling.

And last week I got her ears pierced. I had too. Someone called her a boy. And I hate bows, and she has no hair. So the earrings feminize her. Right?

I think so.

So does she.