The Final Three!

[Warning: this post contains words like "uterus." Just thought you might like to know. :)]

#3 – SUNBURN!!!

I'm not talking your ordinary sunburn. I'm talking the kind where you—you who just never happens to cry for pain, not ever—almost burst into tears when your dad tries gently, so so gently, to get a little bit of aloe on your back. My dad is so sweet. Whenever I (or any of my non-Jordan brothers who are as pasty white as I am :)) got a terrible sunburn, he insisted on being the only one to put aloe on since he's the only one who knows first-hand just how excruciating it is. "People think they know sunburns. They don't! But I know what you're going through!!" I felt the love. :) (Also, the pain.... ;-))

After doing this to myself several times, I'm on a lifelong quest to never let it happen again. My name is Auburn, and I accidentally get fried. I've been defried for ____ years and ____ months.

#2!—HSG :-|

Ugh. Ack. UGHHHH.... Blukja;gkjakjas;gjkjasfasdjhfhjbaw.... No one told me it might feel exactly like labor pain. "Prepare for some minor cramping from dye being inserted in your uterus." I didn't even worry about it. Cramping I can deal with. (And it was intense, and it did last the whole day, but big deal. Just cramps.) But the excruciating PAIN during the procedure was totally indescribable. I guess a lot of people don't have it very bad at all (luck of the draw—what your cervix happens to be doing on the day you get the procedure). But I still can't believe that in all that literature they gave me, no one filled me in that some women describe it as the worst pain they've ever felt. "Take some ibuprofen for possible cramping." Bah! That's all you have to say? Who cares about the darned cramping? There's a stinking clamp and inflated balloon in your cervix! [Shudder.] Horrible. I can't even describe how horrible.

#1 – Labor.

The one time I've shed tears for pain. Took me to a whole other place....

I have to admit, I always expected something would end up beating labor out for the top spot! With Seth's violent labor behind me now, here's to hoping nothing ever does. ;-)

What's been your most painful experience? Let's torture each other with awful stories!!! ;-)

Tick-tock

We're at 17 weeks today! And I still don't really feel the baby, which makes me quite possibly the first woman ever to feel her second baby weeks later than she had felt the first. (I could feel Seth rolling around—no "butterfly wings" with this kid!—at 15 weeks. That's pretty early for a first pregnancy!) This baby has been pretty squirmy for all the ultrasounds, but she's not quite as active as Seth. And here we are two whole weeks later than I had felt 4-inch-Seth tumbling around like a madman and I'm still not sure I'm feeling her. Hard to tell what's guts and what's baby when your guts are in totally new places.... Haha! Pregnancy is so incredibly strange....

Also, we haven't had an ultrasound in Three. Whole. Weeks. A full-on drought! We feel lost without them. (We keep joking about making up symptoms for my appointment this week so we can get another one. Ha! We'll see.... ;))

The REAL #4 :)

#4 — Tendon Busting!

I used to run in high school. And I busted up my ankles. My coaches thought I had shinsplints: "Ice it and take ibuprofen and get out there and run." So I ran. Many, many miles (probably 100?). On a broken ankle! "Um.... Am I supposed to not be able to walk after a race?" "Shinsplints. Ice it and take ibuprofen." Gotcha. [Except I stopped trying the ice since it makes my joints swell more and gives me hives. :)] Coming down a hill in the middle of a meet, the broken ankle had finally had too much and it collapsed under me, busting up the tendons in my foot. (I finished the race! Not that I should have.... But I did! And a good time, too!)

X-rays a couple weeks later (after another meet!) gave me this memorable quote from the doctor: "She's not walking on that foot is she?" Haha! Broken ankle. Which led to the busted tendons that are actually way more painful than a broken ankle.

Because I was a complete moron and let my idiot coaches talk me into starting track before I was fully healed, then broke both ankles again, then let them talk me into track again . . . I still have destroyed ankles. (For what? For stupid high school? Ridiculous.) Every so often my ankle just folds under me again with no warning. And every couple of years, it happens to be while I'm jogging across a street or something (rather than just walking), and I tear a gazillion tendons again. It takes a good couple of months to get better.

Last time it happened, we were on vacation, trying to catch a bus back to our hotel, and Matt kept telling me on the bus ride: "uh, Auburn, I think you're in shock...." Whatever. "Auburn, you're in shock and your leg is destroyed and killing you, will you please not try to walk to the hotel...." But there was no other option...! And the bus stop had been closed for a couple days, dropping us off a quarter-mile from the hotel. Too bad I couldn't fit in Seth's stroller.... Hehe. Ah, cruddy ankles.... They make for great excitement sometimes. And fantastic pools-o-blood bruises all through a foot and up a leg.

(Kristin, remember me tearing those tendons trying to get to church in London? And you trying to insist on carrying me across the city? Haha! That was high adventure. And making me go to the hospital where they thought I was a Norman? HAHAHAHA!!!)

The PAC-∞

Now that the little gerrymandering pretending Arizona and Arizona State are along the Pacific has stretched an additional 1000 miles, it's officially time to rename the Conference. Here are a few suggestions:

Both Sides of the Continental Divide Athletic Conference, or BSCDAC.

Western Half Conference, or WHC, pronounced just like WAC but with the "hhhhhh" sound that shows up in some accents of the newly incorporated area. "W-hhhhh-at? W-hhhhhh-ere? W-hhhhhh-AC." Yes! :-D

(The biggest question is: where to put the hyphen? Hehe. Is it the Western-Half Conference or the Western Half-Conference? :))

The Oregon Trail Conference. Not only has football gone OTC, but now we can relive our favorite childhood game. Will we die in Colorado? Fork off to the Gold Rush in California? Shoot Buffalo in Boulder? (Haha!) On a side note, I've always wished Colorado fans would chant "Go Buffalo!!" instead of buffaloes. Wouldn't that be glorious?! "Buff-a-lo! Buff-a-lo!"

The MAC-∞. Montana Athletic Conference. Why not? Makes about as much sense as PAC these days. ;-)

The Circa-Idaho Conference, or CIC. Not "C" "I" "C." Cic. (Sure, it sounds like sick. That's ok.)

The Our Bluff Was Called and Now We're Stretched Too Thin Conference. We could call them Stretchy for short. "And how is the Big 12 faring against Stretchy this year...?"

The article I read about incorporating the Univ. of Utah ended with a bunch of facts why the PAC-10 would want them. "They're 6-0 in bowl appearances, etc., etc." The last line was something like, "They are also looking to gain the Salt Lake City tv market which is the 31st-largest in the nation." Which totally made me laugh. Haha! 31st? Why even bring it up? How many tv markets can you go after in sports? I can just see the board meeting now: "You know what would really pull us out of this slump? If we could just snag the 31st-largest tv market ohhhhhhhh baby! Now that would put us in business!" Boss-man, rubbing his chin: "You. I like how you think. Jones, make sure he gets a promotion. Wilson, you get that 31st-largest market however you can! I want proof positive on my desk by tomorrow or you're through, you hear me?! Through!" Thinking to himself: "When this is all over and I'm soaking in my new hot tub from the huge cash flow, we're gonna have to give our conference a new name. Or maybe just a number. 31. Yesss.... Yes!!"

Back to pain....

#4 Utah joining the PAC-∞

;)

I can't decide which is more painful: that in addition to Arizona and Arizona St. blaspheming the word "Pacific" all these years, now Colorado and Utah are compounding the problem. (Rename the conference and I'm completely satisfied. ;)) At least Texas declined! Eesh. Now that would have been stretching the Pacific WAY too far! Who will get the "Pacific" designation next? Ohio? Alabama?

While we're at it, how about San Diego St. in the SEC? Oh yeah....

Florida in the Mountain West?

Eesh. Utah and Colorado in the Pacific.... Poor Pacific. Don't worry, Pacific, I still appreciate that you're a western sliver of loveliness.

OR, (I'm abandoning my ":" up there :)) is it more painful that Utah.... UTAH! The Utes!! That they were called to a big dance leaving the Cougs behind...? Sniff! Oh the bitter, bitter pill!!! I can't swallow it, I can't!! I won't! AAAAHHHHHHH!!!!

Oh well. I never liked the PAC-10 anyway.... ;-)

(But I did! I did! I loved you PAC-10! This glorious march up the Coast of great schools. [I was able to completely ignore that Arizona and Arizona St. were involved. Hehe.] But now.... Now! Sniff sniff. Sob!)

Pain part . . . BUZZZZZ!!!

We interrupt this series for a message from our sponsor.

In the past few years, more times than I could count, I've inadvertently said or done or posted something that made people speculate: ah, I can totally tell she's pregnant!

And you clairvoyants have always been hilariously incorrect. (Muwahahaha!)

When people are way-too-obviously inspecting my too-flat belly, or asking other people if there's any particular reason we're talking baby names (we're ALWAYS talking baby names ;)), or doing the math and figuring they just know why a lady with a 3-year-old has a doctor appointment, it brings me a substantial amount of glee to let them wonder.... Hehehe. Always with my little secret! I'm not pregnant! Hahahaha!

So, yes, plenty of you have thought you were astutely picking up supposed "cues" from my random stories these past few years. As my blog has suffered this past little while, I've laughed to myself wondering if anyone was taking that as a cue.... :-D (Hahaha!) Cues from the silence?I haven't gone back to see the duration of the blog neglect.... But I'm guessing it was about, ohhhh.... Twelve weeks?

Which can only mean one thing! Somebody in this house has been knocked out by growing baby! (And maybe your 10th guess was a charm, and you're finally right. ;-))

To demonstrate your best skills, can you guess which household member it is? :-D

Hint: one of us is showing off a 3rd-percentile non-belly, one of us is trying to grossly accentuate a spare tire and look matronly while an iPhone bulges from scrubs, and one of us is, well, actually pregnant. ;-) Fourteen weeks and counting.

(And P.S. She's a baby girl!)

Pain continued.... :)

#6 – Tooth Sanding

THE INFERNAL HEADACHE apparently stems from tooth grinding, the fracturing of a tooth, and ensuing TMJ, which reinforces the tooth grinding, etc., etc. My dentist finally decided my tooth must be fractured when he was trying to adjust the bite by sanding it (something he's done to several of my teeth, never with any discomfort) and I—the person who will let my gums catch fire without saying anything—had to keep stopping him. It was pure torture. TORTURE! I believe now that my dentist is a bona fide torture artist.

#5 – Getting Cold

I'm allergic to cold. I'm not saying that to be dramatic! I'm really, truly allergic to cold. It's hilarious! Stick an ice cube on me and watch a hive form. Or dare to watch me get out of the pool or from the ocean—the hives all over get monstrous and fuse together and I look like a burn victim. Go with me to New York in April* (been there twice, both in April, once in the city once upstate, both the coldest I've ever, ever been) and watch my eyelids swell almost completely closed. The itchiness from the hives could make me insane, but the worst of it is the pain from my joints swelling up and all my muscles contracting. Imagine a charlie horse. Imagine it over your whole body. It's intense. And when it gets very bad, I have to warm up for a good hour or more before the full-body shaking and pain finally stops. It's so dramatic!

[*To all my LDS friends out there, "Oh How Lovely Was The Morning" and all those pictures of leaves on trees and the sun shining in "early Spring" in Palmyra, NY are lies. LIES! Oh man, it is freezing, freezing, freezing COLD. No leaf in sight. Birds chirping? Bees humming? They're half-frozen! Brrrrr!!!! FREEZING. I can't say it enough. FREEEEZZZZE.... ING. Makes Joseph even more impressive to me, going out in that cold. :)]

Pain: Part . . . Four?

I can't remember where I'm at in my Pain Series. Was the hiatus painful? Could you not wait to find out what was coming next? ;-)

I thought I'd catalogue the WORST PAINS I'VE EVER FELT!!!! [dum-dum-DUM!] Or, at least, the ones that come to mind. :)

#10 – The Antibiotic Reaction

I took Keflex. My body blew up in a pins-and-needles stinging rash. Full-blown rash lasted a good three or four days, with remnants of stinging in my limbs for a while afterward. Very exciting.

#9 – Teeth Bleaching

Got my teeth bleached (very amazing, by the way :)). They spent loads of time sealing my gums so that when they put the hardcore bleach junk on my teeth, my gums wouldn't dissolve away. They did a bad job. [Dum, dum-DUM dum!] The very edge of my gums all around all my teeth were ON FIRE!!!! Fiiiiiiiiiii-errrrrrrrr!!! (And do you think I said anything? No! I just sat there trying to cope as I started to go into shock! I'm such an idiot!)

#8 – THE INFERNAL HEADACHE

It's pretty infernal.

#7 – Chopping My Thumb with an Axe!!!

I chopped my thumb with an axe!!!!! [cue Psycho chopping theme! strings, strings, strings!] Ok, ok, truth be told, it didn't actually hurt very much.... Or at all. ;-) But it sounds awesome! I think it even happened in the same year that I sawed that same thumb with a bread knife—saw, saw, saw, saw. It was the blood that alerted me before the pain did.... Saw, saw, saw, saw.... A few sawing motions deep into my thumb.... Haha!! Ah, 10-year-olds....

Match Day!

And here we are again! I love the Match! It's just so elegant: you interview; you rank your programs in order of preference; the programs rank their applicants in order of preference; tah dah! A computer spits out everyone's best case scenario. Awesome.

We spent more than two weeks traveling around the West Coast exploring Pediatric Cardiology departments. Matt interviewed at Children's Hospital of LA, UCLA, University of Washington, Oregon Health and Science University, Stanford, UCSF, and UCSD.

And Match Day was yesterday . . . .

We're thrilled!! Woo hoo!! Got our top pick! The program is exactly what Matt is looking for. The faculty and fellows are great and fun people, the program is the right size, the patient population is ideal, the variety of cases is ideal (some hospitals get all the really rare stuff and not enough bread-and-butter, while others have the opposite problem. This hospital has just the right catchment and expertise and size to get a perfect mix!), the set-up of the department is unique...and ideal (for Matt :)). It's perfection. And as if all that weren't enough, THE Pediatric Cardiologist in the Western United States is the head of the department, and THE Electrophysiologist (the area Matt will sub-specialize in) was recruited a couple years ago. The mentoring and shoulder-rubbing couldn't be better. Couldn't be better!

Perfection!

And.... Oh yeah.... Oh yeah!!

It's here!:

That's right, folks! Staying in beautiful San Diego for years to come. How did we get so lucky? I remember looking forward to residency and just praying that the program would be good enough to justify moving to our dream place. And then it was hands down the stand-out program for Matt. (And it really has been perfect! What a blessing.) So we thanked the heavens for that amazing coincidence—ideal program in the ideal place? Seriously?—and we completely planned on a move in three years to Stanford or UCLA or UW. Because what were the chances UCSD would have the ideal Pediatric Cardiology program too...? And then it turned out to be amazing! Amazing! Even at places like Stanford, UCSF, UCLA, UW, and even when they were trying their darndest to recruit Matt, the more they were impressed by him the more it would come spilling out: "you know, you've really got the best of the best right there at UCSD [Dr. Moore and Dr. Perry are legends].... We think our program is fantastic and would treat you very well but, I hate to say it, it would be a tremendous career move to stay where you are.... Darn!!" Yep. Our thoughts exactly. UCSD has come through for us BIG TIME by being totally awesome. Thank you UCSD!

Wooooooooooooo Hooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!! :-)

(Also! ALSO! Amy just moved here! Oh, the fabulousness never stops. :-D)