Say What?

As a dad, there are words and phrases that you never think you'll hear yourself say to your little ones. Take for example, "If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times...it's okay to smoke pot - recreationaly", or "I've had my doubts before, but now I know for sure...you're way too smart to be my offspring". These are things I can go to my grave without ever saying. Tonight I said something though that was almost as alarming:

Stop brushing your teeth, already!

Mrs. Phez bought Lil' Phez a new tooth brush this past weekend that when the operator of said hygienic cleaning device squeezes it, the thing will light up & start flashing a tacky & obtrusive fun & creative pattern of lights for the mandated suggested period of time allotted for brushing ones teeth that will provide for the sufficient removal of calcified sap from an 800 year old Sequoia bits of Cheetos from the youngsters teeth.

It was upon the occasion of my child squeezing the ?!@#?#@! toothbrush for the 4th time that I begged the Gods from the heavens above for the benevolent mercy to cease the antics of the toothbrush and in exchange I would offer my internal organs to be served at the nearest Benihana asked the kid to knock it off. Because, by this point in the evening, I wasn't sure which was to come first: (a)the end of the tooth brushing so my kid would go to bed, or (b)the apocalypse. I was betting on the latter.

More Thoughts On Parenting - Your Thoughts Please

Last night Matt and I went for a run...

...an ice cream run, that is. You know, where ya run out to get something, like ice cream. You didn't think that I meant...that we went....if you were thinking those horrible thoughts about me, then take them back. The only time you'll find me running is if someone is chasing me.

But I digress...

So, while we're at the DQ, we were standing in line behind a mom who was ordering ice cream with her youngin', I'd say he was about 8, and the patriarch of their family was sitting on a bench nearby. As she is trying to tell the ice scream scooper kid what they wanted, she was interrupted by her son who was whining and pleading for something...I can't tell you what exactly because of a language barrier, but suffice it to say that it was ice cream related. He was pulling on her blouse while half-saying & half-crying the words, "Mami, Mami!" over and over. He was so annoying.

The mom then turns to the ice cream scooper kid and conveyed the kid's request, with the help of her husband who spoke English. That's right; the kid was given whatever he was whining for! So they were ordering some more stuff when the kid starts up again. I complained to Matt about the kid being a brat and he just shrugs it off with a grateful appreciation that he doesn't have to deal with the kid. I wish I could do that. But instead, I let it irk me. So anyway, apparently this time the kid didn't get what he wanted because he stomped off away from her, then he turned around, and threw something at her. HE THREW SOMETHING AT HER!!! He ended his performance by throwing himself onto the bench where he pouted and whimpered. Did I mention the kid is 8, maybe 9? So she finishes her order, pays for it, and then turns to her family where she gives the kid his ice cream.

In my head, I am playing out the scenario as if it were me and Lil' Phez (who's 4) in the roles of the mom and her kid, and let me tell you: None of the scenarios end in me giving him ice cream. I still get pissed thinking about it.

They then go outside and sit on the benches in the front of the store to eat their ice cream. We buy our stuff and 5 minutes later we exit the store. When we get outside, the kid is wailing about something. I so wanted to tell that kid a word or two - or three or four. That little spoiled brat. Instead I muttered something to Matt and just shrugged as we trotted out to the my car and headed home.

So, here's the question....should I have said something? This is assuming the kid understands English.

The Difference Between....

...new parents and veteran parents

Scenario: Baby eating at the table and their barely eaten food falls off the table onto the floor and the family dog heads over in that direction

New Parent: Well, at least we don't have to clean it up. Enjoy, Fido.

Veteran Parent: (thinking of the expense of the meal or the time it took to prepare, says to the other parent) Quick honey, before the dog gets to it. Be sure to brush it off really well.

Would you like some Kibble with that?

Several days ago, I was helping Lil Phez with his nightly chore: feeding the fish when something peculiar happened. But before I go into the incident let me, to quote Desi Arnaz, ecksplang.

When feeding the fish, Lil Phez needs my help, at age 3 & 11/12, because it is large tank and it requires that he climb up on a dining room chair - something he knows not to do without permission/supervision. At his tender age, I must say that Lil Phez is very good at knowing what his boundaries are, i.e. what he should & shouldn't do, and he doesn't test those boundaries.

Which is why I was shocked several days ago when he reached into the fish food, grabbed one sole morsel of fish food and with what seemed like an executed decision, slowly opened his mouth and brought this new snack to his lips.


This is when with all of my parental skills, grabbed the wrist of the offending hand and, with love and concern in my voice that would make Dr. Spock proud, I asked ,"What in the world are you doing!" My startled toddler blinked, regained his composure, and replied, "I was going to eat it, Daddy" very matter-of-factly.

So began the lecture. I explained why he shouldn't eat the fish food. I told him that fish food is for fish. I explained that he would grow a fin if he ate it (okay, not really). And I said all of the things one should say to their child when trying to keep them from eating pet food. He said he understood and we agreed that it would never happen again. Then came last night.

I was helping him feed the fish when he repeated the slow purposeful act of trying to partake of, what is apparently the nectar of the Gods, also known as fish food. At first I went into lecture mode but quickly caught myself. "Self", I said to myself, "This didn't work last time. Try a new approach." And so this is how I handled it:

Me: Son, didn't we agree you shouldn't eat fish food?
Lil Phez: Yes.
Me: Would you like to try one piece?
(This is when Mama Phez's right eyebrow shot up so far it practically joined her bangs.)
Lil Phez: It would be okay?
Me: I wouldn't eat the stuff but you want to try it, so go ahead...one piece, just this once.
(Lil Phez takes a piece, puts it in his mouth, and begins to chew)
Me: It's pretty gross, huh?
Lil Phez: Yeah.
Me: Yucky!
Lil Phez: Yucky!
Me: Let's go brush your teeth again and get that nasty taste out of your mouth, okay?
Lil Phez: Okay, daddy.

Next week, we try the dog food.

Argh

"You're so lucky that your child is so well behaved in the store."

"Wow, your child is so attentive when you talk to him. You're blessed."

Argh!

Okay, so the above comments are referring to a toddler and not a teenager. Had it been a teenager to which they were referring, I'd say that the comments might have some merit. But it wasn't and they don't! Geesh!

My wife's family was over this weekend for a birthday party and her sister-in-law made one of the above comments (# 2 to be exact). And in the past, both my wife and I have been the recipient of comment # 1. Argh!

Yes, I did state it was "her sister-in-law". While I realize that it is not the fault of my wife that the woman married her brother, it is HER brother that she married. I take no ownership in the bizarreness that is that woman. But that's for a different posting.

If you couldn't tell it by now, these comments really tick me off. Yes, our 3 year old is very well behaved (most of the time) but luck has nothing to do with it. Having "good kids" does not happen by chance. It takes work, it takes the occasional slip-up, and then it takes more work.

And another thing...my child listens to us when we speak to him for two reasons:
1) It is expected that he do so.
2) We listen to him when he talks to us.

Respect begets respect.

Now I realize that all kids are born with a certain disposition and some kids are easier to "train" into positive behavior than others, but c'mon people! It ain't luck and the powers that be did not will it to happen. And when my son does act out, we act swiftly. And more importantly, we act consistently.

Okay, I'll get of my soapbox now.