As Predicted...

 Not a 2/3 split. A full class of 30 grade 2 students. There are about 10 with huge behaviours and all of them are unregulated. They cannot. sit. still!!! So frustrating to try to teach. I spend most of my day walking on eggshells to not set off kids, and the other part of my day waiting,  reminding and encouraging students over and over to please sit still! Stop talking! I will wait. So much waiting. 

When we are all settled, inevitably, someone upsets the calm with noises, poking the bears, or arguing. 

It is hard to know if students are unable to self regulate due to covid or because they are being parented by electronic devices. Probably a little of both. These kids act entitled. They are selfish and everything is all about them more than I have ever seen before. Every day is exhausting and so many things are not getting done and more and more every day I feel like it doesn't matter. The kids don't know. My admin doesn't care- they are never down in the wing and when they are they come in all together- like teenage girls that can't go anywhere without their buddies. I can't decide if it is because they don't know what they are doing, they don't trust each other or both. Such a strange place to work right now. 

We can't get subs because there is a shortage, but even with that, they don't want to come to Crystal Park because our students are not disciplined. They are rude and disrespectful to teachers and so of course they aren't at all nice for subs. I don't blame them for going to other schools with smaller class sizes and admin that have their stuff together. At least more than our admin do. I would go there, too. But they didn't hire me, lol!!

EAs are also so hard to find. I started the year with Dena, my EA from last year and Dana, a new to the district EA. She is amazing. Both of them are strong EAs. In late November Dena left to adopt beautiful twin girls. They were the addicted grand babies of a family friend. She will have her hands full, but those babies will be so lucky to have such an amazing Mom.

So I was without an EA for almost a month. Surprisingly, we did pretty good on our own due to all of the crazy sicknesses that are going through the community. Most days in November I was down to half of the class. Still a tough group even with only 15. But it was a godsend in a way because it allowed us to manage with only one EA. Since then, they have hired a new EA (no experience) and she was in the classroom one week before coming down with a variety of ailments and has been off ore than she has been at work. She will be a good EA but she is loud. I haven't figured out how to tell her to be quieter. We are modeling though, and hope she catches on. 

I will say that I am doing what I did not want to do. I am doing okay at it. I still do not want to teach this group of kids, but I am. It is un-managable to have so many students. But... I will manage.

Then I will stop teaching full time. I will stop doing what I am pretty good at. 

My parents need me to support them. I need to get my mental and physical health in check and I need to do something else before I hate what I do. The year can't end soon enough. Ugh.

Enough is enough?

 June 2022! How is that possible?

The COVID pandemic is 'over' they say. All restrictions have been lifted. Now the world is hearing about monkey pox. There is a tragic war in Ukraine. Gas prices are through the roof. People are stressed, impatient,  unregulated, and tired. I am no exception. 

New admin at the school has been challenging. No communication. No support even as the year started with restrictions in place and then have been gradually lifted... Now, new crappy curriculum put in place for the fall... admin asking for the impossible- well, not impossible, but un-managable and un-acceptable and NOT good for students or teachers- teach a 2/3 split for next year. Not asked, told. No options. For the first time in 30 years of being a teacher I am desperately trying to get out of the job, by applying for other jobs. Of course I am qualified, but not 'qualified' for many jobs, because I have only focused on my 'current' job. Teachers like me with many years of experience are having to apply and 'compete' for jobs against brand new teachers with little to no experience. ie. I applied for an ISÇ job at my current school. I did not get the job. A young new teacher with most of a year of experience in ISC got the job. But I would have been considered, of course... Again, so frustrating. Now what? 

Contact admin that I know and sell myself... it is an awful feeling, to not feel qualified, supported or wanted. 

Reasons I don't want to do a 2/3 split... 

1. Coming up grade twos are insane. Huge behaviours. Low academics. Poor social skills. COVID learners. My sweet friend Gaye took stress leave and 2 EAs quit at the start of the year because of the craziness and unsafe condition of the class. Brand new teacher brought in- all supports given to her. My EA taken to support a runner. My low kids lost their support.

2. New crappy curriculum. Not only having to learn one crap curriculum, but 2.

3. We are a STEM school now. What does that mean? It means that elementary teachers will be continuing to do what we always do with hands on activities, but the division will hype it like it is something new-- a program of choice. Ugh.

4. Not enough support. Never enough support!

5. It is exhausting to think about having to do all of this without feeling supported or appreciated or wanted even at a school I have given 7 years of loyalty to. Do I want to teach when feeling all of these things and managing everything myself, because there is NEVER enough support! 

6. My grades level partner is challenging. She will be a roller coaster to work with. She has been a stress in my hallway for me as I hear her yell at my former students. To quote her from this week, "I just don't care enough." I care enough. I care too much.

7. there are 6 assessments mandated by the division and province for next year. When will I teach?

Please note:  I CAN teach this class. I CAN give it my all. I WILL DO MY BEST to meet their needs. I WILL love them. I WILL support them. I WILL build relationships with parents and students.  I WILL spend my own money to fill in what the school does not provide. I WILL jump through the hoops of paper work and meetings and documenting an assessing. (So MANY assessments! Ugh!) I KNOW I CAN do all these things. I WILL do my best. My best WILL NOT be enough. My students will feel loved. They will be loved. They will hear me yell. They will see me cry. They will need more than I can give. They will learn and grow, and be happy as they learn and grow. They will not know any better... They will not know what they are missing. It will not be what they deserve! They deserve better.

I DESERVE BETTER.

One COVID year...

This week marks the one year anniversary of the first covid death in Alberta. When February turned to March, I felt a sense of panic. What happened last year caused trauma. Simple things set off waves of anxiety. Seeing people (from the mask up) that I haven't seen, cause tears. I am always surprised by them... missing people more than I realize. Missing hugs. Missing time hanging out with my friends, family and colleagues. Time to reflect on what we have learned. What we are learning every day... Are we carrying too much? Are we able to ask for help? Do we know who we can share our trials with? I hope people know they can talk to me. I hope I am that friend that people trust. I hope we can move forward and get through this...

Devon and I have new callings. Set apart today as church was reopened for in person church. We have been attending virtually since ... a long time. We are Just Serve specialists. So far I am not feeling very successful, but hopefully we can get one organization to join and then that will start us off. Fingers crossed.

Time passes quickly

One year later and I am still in awe of the beautiful fall colours. We have been blessed with an extended summer. Yesterday was a sunny 26 degrees! We watched conference, helped a new family move into the ward, had the missionaries for dinner and enjoyed a long time on the new deck at the firebowl. I am grateful for these COVID days that we have spent together. Next week, all of my children will be home for Thanksgiving. H and C have invited their special people. M is still looking for hers... 

School is so different with covid restrictions. Students have been great and many choose to wear masks even if they are not required to in my grade. We have learned to wash our hands repeatedly before snack and lunch and after recess and gym. Hand san before going outside and after coming in... We are only allowed to be with our cohort group. For me that means the grade 4 class and mine. M is in a different school cohort. We barely see other colleagues and I, along with others, are feeling lonely. We are not able to collaborate during the day, we can't see faces as we must wear a mask all day, and we are so busy figuring another new technology out, that we don't have time to visit. Stress levels are high and there have been heated 'discussions' over simple differences of opinion or understanding. Communication has been a challenge from the top down and that is so frustrating. 

Online teaching was hard. First we had to put together a web page in 4 days, and then teach our students online even though any did not have enough technology in their homes for each kid. I had to make videos of me teaching a concept and post it for students to watch and then hopefully they would do the work asked of them. Families did their best! Some did absolutely everything I asked them to, others did nothing. We also did paper packs for families to pick up. So really, I was doing twice the work that I normally did. I worked at the school so that I could help my colleagues who were at home with their small children. I tried my best to do whatever I could do to relieve some of their stress. They had such a tough job in looking after their kids, helping their kids do their school work from home and teaching from home all at the same time. I wanted to help, so I went in to school each day. I really didn't mind after everything calmed down... it kept me in a routine and I think that was good for my mental health. Our K-3 school team really supported each other and helped each other through a really challenging time. I couldn't have managed without them!

One thing I was proud of during the covid school closure was that I went to visit each of my students at their house. We sat distanced on their porch with a parent (usually), and visited. I took them a bag filled with some fun things and we chatted! They couldn't believe I was at their house! I was so happy to see them! Sadly, my principal found out these visits were happening and managed to be sure they were 'not allowed.' Needless to say, she was/is not my favourite person... for this and MANY other reasons. Whatever... I just try to do my job and help others. 

At home, we have learned to make cinnamon buns and bread. We have made many masks and when covid shut down happened in March, we did many puzzles together. 

Together. We have been together everyday since March 15, when school was closed and the economy was shut down. We did not see my parents in their home for a couple of months. We had porch visits... they stood on their balcony, we stood on the ground outside. We had short visits. Papa Tom kept saying "@!88^. Just come up" Grandma Pat understood we were trying to keep them safe. So many germs working from school as both Devon and I were. M was too until she was laid off. Then she worked for her students' parents as a home EA. We did not know enough about COVID-19 to be sure we could protect them. So many people throughout the world were dying. Then it hit the USA and Canada. 

Summer was different. We did go to Lethbridge, but barely saw anyone. Uncles and Aunts were self isolating. We hiked in Waterton on July 1 with M and H. Then we went to Writing on Stone. We went to Waterton again on July 4 and H's friend L came too. We did see Gilsons. So glad to see them in Magrath. Southern Alberta did not have any cases and so many people were lax in their behaviour, especially in Raymond, where we stopped on the first. Everyone was too close together, too much hugging, and too many people in one place.

We did go to the lake for a few weeks. We were careful and distanced ourselves as best as we could. We also spent more weeks at home than we usually do. It was nice to enjoy our new deck and our yard. It was a nice summer and we rode our bikes, hiked, played and had many document adventures. (See facebook)

Fall is here. School is back in and we are surviving the new routines. Masks, hand sanitizer, hand washing, lining up, waiting, more hand washing etc. every. single.day. My class has desks. Yuck. But, those are the rules. My class has 21 students. Most of them are great. 5 new to the school students. 3 of those are behaviours. Yuck. Thankfully, I have an amazing EA. She is so great with all the students. I am lucky. I haven't taught a class like this for a long time. Most are super low... which is understandable since they were out f school for 6 months since the closure. But the thing about them is that they cannot sit still. always moving and making noise and talking and wiggling. always. moving. I am doing all I can to support them- special stools, cushions, elastic on desks for their feet, lots of movement breaks... still need more support! But we will survive. I will survive!

The weather today is cooler, but still beautiful. Sadly, the wind likes to pick up when the leaves change colour and so they blow off, making our colourful fall a short season. We will make the best of it!

colours

I've been thinking a lot about colours lately. The colour of the fall leaves, mostly yellow around these parts- but occasionally there is a beautiful showy red tree or shrub to enjoy.
The colours of the sunrise and sunset. There have been some beauties of late. Red at night- and it splashing across the corduroy clouds in pinks and orange hues. Red in the morning- bright, bold pinks and reds foretelling a beautiful day to come.
The sky. So blue. It's royalty interrupted only by popcorn white clouds. If we are lucky we will be treated to an amazing lightning show late in the midnight sky.

what kind of wife...?

What kind of wife doesn't notice that her husband had some dental work done? 

For 5 days? 

5days!!! Obviously, this wife is not paying enough attention.

Where's the... sausages?

This week the Stompede was in town (note that is NOT spelled wrong. That's what we call our rodeo up here in the North).  A pancake breakfast was to be held at my school. A longstanding tradition, by the way. To make a long story short, the volunteer committee, which I was a part of, was told, without discussion, that we would NOT be serving sausages at the breakfast. We were going in a 'healthier direction'. Pancakes and syrup (super healthy, right?) milk, and fruit. My queries about cost?, inconvenient to pick up?, and no trouble to cook and serve them, were all shut down without any discussion. Disappointing. I will say that the committee did a fantastic job, and we had so much support including EAs that have never volunteered before (I was told by a few EAs that they had never been asked directly to help with an event before. I was hugged.). The breakfast was well attended, the milk and fruit were enjoyed and we had amazing staff support... BUT, students, parents and staff alike missed the sausages. Why do we need to go healthy at the only pancake breakfast of the year? AND, our kids are hungry. Times are tough for our families. Why not serve them some protein and fill them up with all the good stuff? I have to say that I have been flabbergasted about this top-down, seemingly random, not student or family friendly decision since I was first told a month ago. The event is over and I still do not understand that call. What's a Stompede breakfast without sausages?

This is my beautiful friend Joanne from my old favourite school, serving sausages at their pancake breakfast yesterday.
Love this sweet woman! Don't those sausages look yummy?!