My Birth Story

Did you really think I was going to tell you my birth story? You fool. No one really wants to hear a birth story. Unless you have done it and you want to compare horror stories. Yes, your labor was the worst, you win.

So this is really "How to Have a Baby in 15-16 Easy Steps." (The last step is recommended, but not required.)

1. Try to get pregnant. And it is NOT as easy as your parents led you to believe. It does not take just one time. It takes SO MANY TIMES. It becomes more of a business transaction really. "Thank you, come again." (Did you totally say that like Apu from The Simpsons? You did, admit it.)

(Upon proofreading this post, I caught the pun. No, I will not delete it. That is the funniest thing I have ever written in my life, and that was on accident.)

2. If that doesn't work, go see a specialist. No, not that kind of specialist, like an actual doctor.

3. Pee on a stick for the seemingly thousandth time. See a positive sign for the FIRST time.

4. Cry. Laugh. Cry again. Panic slightly.

5. Call doctor to schedule a blood test to confirm that there is indeed a tiny tadpole inside of you. Get asked if you peed on a stick and it was positive. Answer yes. Demand a blood test anyway. Get told, "Honey, you pregnant."

6. Schedule a blood test anyway.

7. Wait 9 months. Hahaha, FOOLED YOU, 10 months. (See blog post about this here. Read Step 3: Having a Baby.)

8. After baby gestates for 41 (yes.) weeks, begin having contractions. Confuse them for gas.

9. Have "gas" for 4-6 hours.

10. Go get some really, really good coffee and pastries, because hey, a baby is coming soon and when is the last time you will be able to do that?? Barista will ask when baby is due. Say, "Maybe in a couple hours." Receive horrified looks from all surrounding baristas and customers.

11. Get questioned by husband multiple times if he should start timing these so called gas pains. Answer NO. Get questioned again. Answer nothing as it begins to hurt so bad YOU CAN'T TALK. Husband will begin timing when you cannot speak because you never not speak. So you must be having a baby.

12. Go home. Follow all the nurses' advice and take a shower to "relax." HAHAHAHAHA.

13. Get in car and go to hospital.

14. Do not start pushing in the car. The baby will not come in the car. That is not a thing. (Well, I guess it is a thing, but it won't happen to you. Probably.)

14. Arrive at hospital. Check in. Nurse will ask when contractions started. Put head on counter and groan. Husband will answer all following questions for what is the foreseeable future.

15. Have baby!!

See, now wasn't that easy?

PS:

16. Drink a glass of wine. You've earned it.

Mom Lessons

So… I had a baby.

I read the books, I talked to the mommy veterans, I researched the articles… I was "ready."

FALSE. The only thing I was ready for was continuing to dress my belly bump. And even then, it was getting reallllllly hard at about 38 weeks. I wore linen pants everyday. Thank you linen, I owe you.

So, here are the lessons that I have learned in my first 24 days of motherhood that I am telling my past self when she reads my blog. Which she probably won't, that lazy oaf of a woman.

1. BUY THE LINEN PANTS. ALL OF THEM.

2. You will one day dream of the day that 6 hours of sleep was not enough. 6 hours of sleep is absolute heaven. Now shut up, and get to bed.

3. Stop laughing at those commercials that showed parents going on vacations and then just sleeping in their nice, comfy hotel bed. "We will never be that way!" Yes. Yes you will.

4. Your teaching job is very easy compared to this. Stop whining about it.

5. Enjoy the days of wearing regular bras. And clothing that doesn't have old, nasty milk on them. Seriously. This is your life now.

6. Remember when you hated doing laundry on the weekends? Well now you get to do it EVERYDAY. (See Lesson # 5.)

7. You will be late for everything. Whenever you plan on being somewhere, plan to be there 90 minutes early, and then maybe you will only be 30 minutes late. Maybe.

8. Showers are a luxury. That you cannot afford.

9. Hope you stocked up on yoga/workout pants. Hahahahaha, no not for yoga or working out. Silly girl.

And lastly…

10. You know how every parent thinks their kid is the cutest kid ever? And you thought that was laughable? You're one of THEM now. Bwahahaha…

Now:

Dear Future Erin,

Are you getting any sleep yet? Did you end up joining the PTA? Are yoga pants still a wardrobe staple? Does she still let you stick bows on her head that are the size of grapefruits? Are you heeding this bonding advice?

I anxiously await your response. In the meantime…

Laundry.

So. Much. Laundry.

Maternity Wear: Days I Felt Like Taking a Picture

No, I haven't been naked you dirty birds. 

I have been too busy on my computer researching amazon reviews on crib mattresses. Hours have been wasted I tell you. HOURS. Possibly days. 

Outfits from the past couple of weeks. I think I need to dabble in something else besides stripes.

Oh, and I TOTALLY get why pregnant women hold their hand under their belly. I always thought it was so weird they all did that. Like some communal pregnant lady pose they all can help but succumb to. Turns out if you don't do that, you look slightly like a big round lump. Which is never attractive, as such. 

Top: Pink Blush Maternity, Skirt: Flicka (fabbity fab boutique in downtown Poulsbo, WA), Shoes: Steve Madden Maternity (that is a joke, do not google that.)

Necklace/Skirt/Lace Tights/Boot Socks: H&M, Top: Blu Noir

Top: Pink Blush Maternity, Pants: H&M, Jacket: closet find, Vans: Vans

Top: Forever 21, Cardigan: H&M, Skirt: Pink Blush Maternity, Necklace: fashioned out of a pink bird

Jacket: Lululemon, Dress: H&M, Badass Boots: Nordstrom

Jacket: Nordstrom, Top: Pink Blush Maternity, Jeans: H&M, Boots: DSW

Jacket: Lululemon, Top: Express, Skirt/Tights: H&M, Shoes: DSW

Jacket: Denim, Top: Pink Blush Maternity, Shorts: H&M (with help from a Target belly band), Vans: Vans

Maternity Wear Day 3: "Professional Wear"

I say "professional" because on the top I am clearly ready to mold children's minds (bwahahaha…) but the bottom gives me that "hey teach, you've got holes in your pants" look. I am glad no students actually said that to me.

Blazer and necklace-Forever 21, jeans and tank-Motherhood Maternity, shoes-DSW

The End.

What were you expecting?

Creative B's Be Like...

TAAA DAAAAAA!

Creative juices flowed and I produced a ribbon mobile. Well I made one. I didn't produce one out of one of my body cavities. Like a hen. (I had to say hen before your mental images got weird.)

Surprisingly, the little circle of ribbon ended up being around $30. But that's DIY for you. I'll do it myself and save money! Hahahahahaha, no.

Anyway, after lots of time wandering the ribbon aisle, I made exactly what I wanted to make! Which sounds stupid, but DIY can go incredibly wrong incredibly fast. So ending up with what you want is completely in the hands of the DIY universe.

I searched for some easy to follow step by step instructions, but found no decent ones and thought I would just wing it. (Which is USUALLY a recipe for disaster, but not this time, hohoho). So I took pictures of my journey, in case, for some reason, you also want to spend $30 on ribbon and tie a crapload of it around a metal hoop.

Step One: Buy Ribbon (then take a picture of said ribbon, only to have your cat get in the way)

Step One (Again): Buy Ribbon. Oh, and a Metal Hoop.

I bought 11 rolls of ribbon in my preferred ribbon scheme. I wanted peachy/coraly/jutey/burlapy kind of look. That's a thing, right? I ended up having to go out and buy 4 additional rolls of ribbon to fit my 10 in diameter metal hoop. Oh yea, buy a metal hoop. I wandered the aisles of Hobby Lobby until I found this metal hoop. What is it used for originally? No idea.

Step Two: Cut Ribbon

I cut ribbon in 12 inch-24 inch strips. I didn't want a uniform look (I also didn't want to measure 16 rolls worth of ribbon) so I just started cutting. An unkempt non-uniform look is like messing up, on purpose. Which is definitely my cup of tea.

Step Three: Fold Ribbon and Place Over Hoop

Self-explanatory, right? I figure a picture is worth a thousand words, so read away little craft bug.

Step Four: Take Ends of Ribbon and Loop Under Hoop

I started out capitalizing the steps, so now I must do it for continuity sake. You must deal with it.

Step Five: Pull!

This creates those fun little knots that aren't really knots.

Step Six: Continue

You would not believe how difficult randomly placing ribbon in a haphazard manner actually is. AHHH, the burlap is too close to the OTHER type of burlap! Step 6.a.: Begin panicking. Step 6.b.: Just stick some other ribbon in between the burlaps.

Step 7: Continue Randomizing

 Step 8: Move to the Floor and Get Comfortable, Then Move Back

I tried to do this because I needed maximum comfort level (that's a 26 week belly right there), and the animals moved in to help. And by help I mean get in my way and drool on my leg. And that was only the cat's shenanigans.

Step 9: Complete Project!

I panicked again when I realized I actually had to hang this above the crib, and I had no crib-hanging device thing. But then I remembered Amazon exists and I found one. I ended up tying some burlap in strategic areas around the hoop, then tying the burlap to a little hook, then hooking the whole thing on my Amazon crib arm holder.

I am sure my womb resider will love this ribbon so much that one day, in 25 years, she will send me a little note and write, "I owe it all to you Mummy Dearest, and that crafty little ribbon mobile you made me at the ripe age of 26 womb weeks."

You are welcome, little lobster. (Apparently, that's how big she is these days.) You are welcome.

Maternity Wear Day 2: IT FITS

Maternity shirts are the sh*t. They stretch over my ever expanding belly. THEN I can cover it all up with all the normal clothes in my closet. Which means, I just need a never ending supply of maternity shirts and tanks, and then I can wear all of my normal clothes!

I hear you, former pregnant ladies. I hear you laughing at me. Don't tell me the truth, just let me discover it on my own so I will really learn my lesson.

Jeans and flannel shirt-H&M, boots-DSW, gray tee-Pea in the Pod Maternity, vest-Etsy

I hope my shoes fit at least toward the end. And these fabulous yellow gloves.

Sigh, I know. Don't tell me.

Kitchen and Bathroom Tutorial! (Bwahahaha….)

So we wandered aimlessly around Home Deport every Saturday for the past two years waiting for HGTV to sneak up on us and ask what we were doing and do we want a new kitchen/backyard/bathroom??? "Whaaaat, this is such a shock, I GUESSSSSS we have been needing one, I don't know, ok come over and do everything."

Well that never happened. So here we are.

It started out realllllll innocent.

Hey, let's paint the vanity in the guest bathroom.

Oh and rip out the medicine cabinet. And add new light fixtures. The paint looks so ugly with the countertop, we need a new countertop. HARDWARE! Buy hardware. Still don't like it, let's rip it out. THERE IS NO TILE UNDER THE VANITY. Let's buy sort of similar tile and make it work. Didn't work. Here's a brand new vanity, just cover it up. Now the light fixture looks bad, let's buy another one. Now we need storage, let's buy a new medicine cabinet.

A few strokes of paint and some baseboards later….

A NEW BATHROOM! So simple I tell you. And oh so cheap. DIY at its finest. (DIY is for chumps. After the bathroom fiasco, we paid for a professional to do everything else while we sat around and ate bonbons.)

Below are before and after pictures of the kitchen and the staircase. We did not lift a finger. And I love it.

So pinners, if you are here for a tutorial, here it is:

1. Hire a professional.

2. Eat bonbons.

3. Love your new kitchen.

You are welcome.