Restored Fortunes

Thinking about what I might say around the Thanksgiving dinner table when it's my turn to tell what I'm thankful for, I smile and look at my life, every part of it, and how I've experienced deep gratitude in the last year and a half.  Being so very thankful for everything I had before July 2013, it's as if now there's a chasm between pre-fateful day and post-fateful day.  Everything changed.  Gradually I realize that there is something big at work here in me, in my family.  And now when I put words down to describe what it all has felt like, I pause because I only want to say something about it if the words deeply resonate. And I'm not going ton say I'm thankful for the struggle, because I'm actually not, I'm only thankful for the beauty that was revealed as a result.

So here's my easy list of thankful things: I'm thankful for my family, my friends, my life, having what I need, having a house, having enough food to eat, being healthy, being loved, and being near God on a daily basis.

Here's my other list:

I'm thankful for…

*the incredibly deep reserves of courage that I didn't know existed within me

*the pride I feel for my daughters

*a loving, affectionate, resilient Harper

*friends who babysit for free

*meals brought by others

*Audrey's little voice

*insurance that makes the load almost weightless (almost)

*newfound slowing down in life, stopping to see and love

*Ottawa & Hope 

*community who cries with us

*community who cheers for us

*community that has walked with us through the darkest dark

*friends who aren't afraid to embrace special children

*family who never hesitated to love Audrey

*families who adopt children with profound needs

*the voice of God during deep struggle, profound disappointment, and intense hope

*the wild love between Harper and Audrey

*Harper and Audrey's future as sisters

*my constant companion who has stood next to me, holding my hand while we watched the storm approach, rage over us, and move past.  Ever steady, putting one damn foot in front of the other every single day since that fateful July day.

*feeling like God's promise on that Fateful Day, is beginning to be fulfilled…

"When the Lord restored the fortunes of Zion, we were like those who dreamed. Our mouths were filled with laughter and our tongues with songs of joy. Then it was said among the nations, 'the Lord has done great things for them. The Lord has done great things for us and we are filled with joy.'" 

"Restore our fortunes, Lord, like streams in the Negev. Those who sow with tears will reap with songs of joy."

Fortunes Restored. 

Hi, I'm Laura, sorry to make you cry the first time we met

Our journey thus far hasn't consisted of one hard thing, or two, or three or even five…it's been a bumpy road wrought with hard things starting last July and only now is the road starting to show signs of smoothing out.  And while I would rather forget the last 15 months and just celebrate our beautiful warrior daughters, I can't really do that.  I also can't even attempt to sugar coat anything because how can you sneak into a conversation with a new friend that yes, Audrey had open heart surgery at 4 months old, without making her stop in her tracks? I can't. And I can't leave out that information either because it is part of our story.

Today I dropped Harper off at preschool and she told another mom that she and Auds were going to be Super Women for Halloween and that got us talking about why those are fitting costumes this year. The mom said, "do you mind if I ask you about that?" And I was happy to talk about it because talking about the elephant in the room feels good.  So here we are talking and I try to keep it short and lacking details but the best I can come up with is, "Harper is superwoman because she's an awesome sister and Audrey is superwoman because she had open heart surgery at 4 months and it's been a rough year and she's had feeding challenges and spent a month in the NICU and before that I was in the hospital on bed rest for a month and before that we lived in Estonia and curtailed to prepare for this….so….what about you, what do you do?" And she can't answer because she's crying.

It's a lot to take in and it's a lot to spill out to someone but it is what it is.  But, it's ok when things aren't perfect. Simple. Things get hard, things turn out different than we expected, dinner got burned, Harper fell down and hurt her knee, it rained while my clothes were hanging outside to dry…..it's ok when things aren't perfect. Then when I remember that, all of a sudden the self-imposed pressure to do it all right just melts away.

It's Down Syndrome Awareness Month, next time you see someone with Ds (or any disability for that matter), look them (or their parent)n the eye, smile, and say hi. They add a ton of value, life, and perspective to our communities.

We have worked hard to make it to today

Today is no different than any other day, except that I'm struck with how much we have been through and how hard we have worked just to make it to a day like this. Check out Auds' big toes that work like thumbs!!

Little Light

I'm slightly embarrassed that this supreme adorableness occurred while I was singing and that it's too good NOT to let you see. But I'm also kind of impressed that my voice doesn't sound all that bad....

Heart Surgery chapter completed

Today we got to check off the last box regarding Audrey's recovery and actually close that chapter of our story.  After accumulating fluid inside her chest following surgery we switched her to the weirdest formula ever (called Enfaport).  For the past 3 months we have been anticipating this day where she switched off of the Enfaport and had a chest x-ray which showed no fluid accumulation!  What a relief. The surgeon was impressed with how well she looked today as she sucked on her big toe while he examined her.

Impossible Amounts of Love in One Year

It was a year ago today that our lives were turned upside down.  We suddenly saw ourselves differently, our life was different, and our future was different. If I could go back in time I would tell the woman doing the ultrasound to use kind words.  I would tell her that this was a human child she was looking at, not "a very big problem."  If I could go back to that morning before my appointment, I would take a few moments to appreciate-really appreciate- everything that we had and how we felt on top of the world and mostly in control of things.  I would hug Harper and tell her to be brave, she is loved, and soon, her best friend would be born.  But really, I just wish that on that day we hadn't felt so alone. I wish that woman would have said, "you have a one in three chance of this baby having Down syndrome, and either way, you're going to be ok."

Today, I look at Audrey and feel a deep, swelling love in my heart for her.  We have had many trials, much struggle, the most excruciating waits of our lives, and have had to work through ugly emotions associated with it all. Audrey is who she is for good reason. If she was only her smile, then she would have successfully brought joy to many.  If she was only a positive story of pediatric open heart surgery, then she has already encouraged.  If she was only a voice, then we have had the privilege to listen to her tiny, tender melody of a voice.

There is so much love for this child who is very different than the one we had planned for.  We have been escorted to a new world that we never realized was there, right in front of us, this entire time.  We have the chance to love, accept, fight for, and rejoice in 

the beautiful little lives of our dear Audrey and her favorite friend Harper.

Aunt Diana meets her niece, and Audrey exhibits her toe touching skills.

6 month old Audrey

It's hard to believe that it's been six months already but at the same time these were 6 excruciating months and 6 months of life changing perspective filled with deep, deep love.  When we thought we could not bear the weight of our burdens, somehow, we persevered and pushed through.  When the sadness and anticipation of surgery seemed unbearable, we relied on the stories of complete strangers who dedicated time and energy to pull us through because someone had already done that for them.  Each of the Grandparents gave up so much time to care for us.  Our community fed us.  Prayers were prayed for Audrey Hope from every corner of the globe.  Today, six months into the wonderful life of Audrey, she is perfect. 

6 month old Audrey!

My Hope is in you, Lord. Psalm 39:7

Happy 1 month Heart Day Audrey!

You are so so different now! Changed for the better.

HOME!

Eight days after having heart surgery, this smiling little love is home! And not even on pain medication…amazing, truly amazing.

"So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live your lives in him, rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness."

Happy 1 Week Heart Day!

Out of ICU

Little Audrey Hope is great! She was just moved tonight to the Pediatric Unit to finish her recovery. She had a complication that set us back a few days but now it looks like it was mild and she's better. Now we are just waiting for the surgeon to determine that the chest tube can be removed and then take her off the (tiny amount of) oxygen in order to go home. It's so crazy that a week ago she had heart surgery and now she hasn't even needed tylenol for the last two days. Impressive.

While I am (and probably always will be) at a loss for words that appropriately describe our emotions in the last week, I find that the absolute best moments in my day are smiles from Audrey and hugs from Harper. The fierce love between mother and child has no match.

Much Better

Much Better

Much Better

Setback

First off, Audrey is awake and alert and back to her normal self! We love seeing her bright eyes and happy face.

We've been dealing with a setback having to do with fluid accumulation on her lungs which will keep us here for a bit until they get it figured out.

Other than that she's got all but two tubes out, is off of all heart meds off all other meds, and is doing excellent. Please join us in praying for this fluid issue to resolve.

Still good

Looking Good

Audrey is now 24 hours post-op and doing well. They removed the breathing tube last night and her breathing has been stable, she woke up and has been looking around, blood pressure good, she's off the major pain killers, and they're working on removing iv lines. While we don't feel completely relieved to be through this because we are still in recovery, we are amazed that we are DONE with the surgery. My friend Megan who was in our exact same situation 3 years ago kept telling us that while heart surgery is so hard, "the only way through it is through it." And now look where we are, we are through it!

Wow, what a day.

We are exhausted (both mentally and physically) from the events of the day.  We are so very thankful for the love and care of our community near and far.  We had a friend meet us at the hospital at 5:30am to sit with us all day.  Wow.  We had dinner delivered to us from a friend that we have never met in person who lives in Seattle. Wow.  We got SO MANY emails and texts throughout the day saying that we were being held up in prayer and giving us encouragement.  Wow.  You all carried us through the day.  This day was just such a terribly beautiful expression of your love and the love of God. Audrey is under the gentle care of kind nurses and doctors who are eager to watch her thrive.  

When we left the hospital, Audrey was doing well.  She was beginning to wake up from the anesthesia and they were monitoring her to hopefully extubate either tonight  or tomorrow.  While a quick recovery is what we really want deep down, I am less concerned with the timing as I am with just a full, complete recovery.  Amazingly, she looked much better than I had expected.  Maybe we have just spent too much time in hospitals and are less shocked by machines and tubes and is, but she actually looked good!  

Harper and Mona had a fun day of baking cookies and playing.  We are so grateful Mona is here to help with this process and Harper is so excited to spend so much time with her.

Happy Heart Day Audrey!!

Recovery

Surgeon said all went well-holes were smaller than expected so only one patch was needed. When she came off the heart-lung machine her pacemaker wasn't needed and she started her heart on her own. We are with her-she looks better than we thought she would and they are trying to wean down the breathing tube to get it out either tonight or more likely tomorrow.

We experienced a crazy rage of emotions today unlike anything I've really experienced before. We are praising God and also thankful for the marvels of modern medicine.

Success!

Praise God from whom all blessings flow.

Surgeon said surgery went great! We get to see her in thirty minutes.

More later. Thank you for prayers and encouragement.

In process

Audrey's nurse called and surgery is under way. No word on How things are going but just have they've begun. Richard is with us keeping the mood light and we are grateful for his presence today. We are calm, mostly relaxed and at peace. Trusting only in God. A few more hours to go...

Delay

Surgery delayed until Wednesday!!!! Surgeon just called and said someone is being flown in for surgery right now and so he didn't want to be doing surgery for 24 hours straight so we are now wed. At 6:00am. Torture. Pure torture.

Audrey's Heart Day

Meet Miss Audrey Hope. Born January 16, 2014. She's precious. She loves her big sister. Her smile gives me chills.  Our life has changed in so many ways with her.  We are mustering every bit of courage we have to get through the coming week.  Audrey will have open heart surgery on Tuesday at 7:00am.  It will take approximately 4 hours.  Her heart defect is the most common among kids with Down syndrome, it's called an Atrioventricular Septal Defect (AV Canal Defect) where there are two small holes between chambers that need to be patched.  Please pray for her this week in any way you feel.  I hope to give quick updates in this space so you all can be filled in and so we don't have to keep telling the same details again and again.

Psalm 139 has been a source of hope in this journey.

You have searched me, Lord,
    and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
    you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
    you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
    you, Lord, know it completely.
5 You hem me in behind and before,
    and you lay your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
    too lofty for me to attain.

7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
    Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
    if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
    if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
    your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
    and the light become night around me,”
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
    the night will shine like the day,
    for darkness is as light to you.

13 For you created my inmost being;
    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
    when I was made in the secret place,
    when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
    all the days ordained for me were written in your book
    before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts,[a] God!
    How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them,
    they would outnumber the grains of sand—
    when I awake, I am still with you.

Camera Fun

Harper and I have been watching this over and over again laughing each time because of the end when she sees herself in the camera and then does silly random things. Maybe it's only funny for us but I hope not...

Harper and Gma!

They made it! Harper is happy to have new book readers.

Yikes! 3:55 pm and there's a full moon!

Ups and Downs of life abroad

Moving to new countries definitely has many, many advantages.  It also comes with a few disadvantages and frustrations. Now that we've been in Estonia four months, we've realized that we're finally settled in.  We've made friends, found a church, we have a routine, and we know what are favorite items are in the grocery store (and don't dare to go to a different store because it would be like starting from scratch).  But I have also reached a point where I know a lot about where to go, how things work, and what to do but still feel clueless in doing day to day things like paying for parking, paying a phone bill, and getting my non-European debit card to be accepted when I've loaded all my groceries into bags and back into the cart (this has happened twice and those times did not exhibit the finer side of my emotions).  All these mistakes are fixable, but just end up costing more money than usual. I guess it's part of the every two year learning curve of this Foreign Service adventure.

In other news, Harper turned two...

I got to wear my Grandma's fur coat to the Marine Ball last weekend...

And my parents are coming to visit next week!

Harper is TWO!

So excited for SNOW!

How many different kinds of polka dot can one girl wear?

Harper's 2nd Estonian friend

Harper and Aurita having some good times in the treasure chest at the Children's Museum.

El sabor de Guatemala en Estonia

She must have grown overnight...

Because I am being subjected to sitting in dark rooms today.

We have candy corn!!

Thanks to Emily Bebber for sending these to us-I will exercise no restraint in the next few days while I eat two blessed bags of candy corn. Maybe I will introduce Harper to the deliciousness but maybe not for fear that she will be hooked like her mom.

Harper & Finn do Tallinn

Mike Tyson tattoo

Buds

Harper & Riley

Bye bye summer

Blessed with another day of sunshine. Afraid it'll be the last for a while. Harper and I went to Stroomi Rand beach with some new friends. She fell in and I had no extra change of clothes. Oops.

First bangs cut by mom

Not perfect. Cut with my little sewing scissors and had to avoid her pulling them from my hand! But bye bye frizzy bang!!

Mapping Awesome Playgrounds

Here's a map with some great play areas we know of.

Tallinn's Playgrounds


View Tallinn's Playgrounds in a larger map

Estonian Open Air Museum

Learning how to be gentle with the flowers The doorways were only 4' high This will be on our Christmas card this year. Good one, huh? I can't believe places like this really exist Attempting the traditional Estonian swing. Need to get a few more skills before I can take it to kiiking level.

Üks flower

Learned a new word today ONE is üks. I had to say it two times to say I wanted one of each.

Estonia!!

The 3 Doyels are reunited and almost on the same time schedule. Harper and I had a great trip over and now are attempting to settle in quickly. I got a phone and you should save my number just in case you want to text me. 372-5787-9488 or is you want to text for free download the app called whatsapp and we can text and send videos and photos. All you need is my phone number and it will search my account.
Stay tuned for more photos and some first impressions this weekend.

Jack & Harper couch jumping and hi-fiving

IMG 0169 from The Doyels on Vimeo.



IMG 0148 from The Doyels on Vimeo.


High Five!!

Lupe is in a better place...

...and she didn't even have to die to get there!!  While living in DC, it became very clear to us that Lupe (our cat) was not cut out for the foreign service lifestyle. So, she vacationed with us in Ohio, then Arizona, then hopped a flight by herself over to San Francisco to her new home with Dan and Olivia and their cat Moxie.  We're thrilled that she's doing really well!  Here's a fun little video of the two of them.  Lupe is the one with the sweet moves.

Lupe flirting with Moxie

Back in DC

My dear friends and family, you are so lovely, all of you, for attempting to understand our travel plans this summer.  Really, we have been around the entire USA-from mid-atlantic, to the south, to the northeast, to Canada (not in the US, but it was part of the trip), to the southwest, then back to DC.  It was confusing to Nate and I, let alone anyone else who tried to understand our obnoxious plans to do everything, everywhere, in 2 months (last time we'll be doing home leave like that!)

Today we reached a marker of sorts-Nate is in Estonia already, and Harper and I (along with Aunt Diana and Grandma Janis) are back in DC so I can start my final 2 master's courses at GMU.  It feels nice to be here at my last stop, but really, I've all but stopped because we're staying at four different homes while we're here.  So bring on July 29th when Harps and I can hop on that plane and finally be settled again...on another continent.