Love

I'll be honest. I have had my fair share of ups and downs in the past few months. Life isn't always easy and I'm finding this out more and more with each passing day. I was inspired to write today because I feel like I can express myself better this way rather than in person. I'm not sure if this is a good thing, but I don't really care. Truth is, sometimes I say things and right after, I'm like "why did I say this?" I know I'm not the only one that does this, but I feel like I second-guess myself way too much. I overestimate things and worry. This is a constant battle and I'm trying to fight it as hard as I can. Most times I feel that I am alone in doing this, but I know that everyone does the same, even though they may be better at hiding it than I am.

That being said, despite my faults, I love. I am not perfect in any way, shape, or form. I have weaknesses. However, if I had to name one of my biggest strengths, it is the ability to love. I have so much love to give and often times, I feel like I have nowhere to put it. I'm not just talking about romantic love, but all kinds of love. Love is an interesting thing. It can be as sweet as sugar, but it can sting like a bee. I have been through a lot when it comes to love. Lately, I wonder if I will ever truly find love. I worry that I won't find someone that will match my ability to love. These are thoughts that overcome me and haunt me while I'm trying to do the simplest of tasks. I cannot shake them. I have simply become obsessed with the idea.

Remember when you were little and you got a double scoop of chocolate ice cream in a big waffle cone on a hot, summer day? Remember how happy and content you were when you got it? Well, you're eating it and you are feeling the rich, creamy, caloric goodness on your tongue and then all of a sudden, your ice cream drops to the ground. Remember that devastating feeling you experienced when that happened? This is how I've felt lately. Have you ever had something so perfect for just a split second and then it suddenly disappeared? I have. The question I have been asking myself recently is "how do you come back from that?" The answer, my friends, is love.

I have found that you have to be able to love yourself. If you don't love yourself, you won't be able to let go of anything that has hurt you in the past. You deserve the very very best. All of you. You, my friend, who is taking sweet time out of your day to read my post, deserve the absolute best. I don't care who you are. I don't care if you are my worst enemy. I wish the best for everyone because I believe that they deserve happiness. Don't waste your time wondering what could be and what could have been. You will make yourself sick and exhausted. You will miss things going on around you and later, you may look back with regret. Live in the moment. Try to be optimistic no matter what is going on right now in your life. Today is your day. Live it to the fullest. Don't dwell on the past. Don't let those who have made you feel small win. You are stronger than you think you are.

If you take anything from this blog post, I hope you know that you are loved. You may not feel loved in the way you want to feel loved and that's okay. Don't beat yourself up. You deserve the best. :)

Never Let Me Go

Today, I saw a movie. It is called "Never Let Me Go". Please do yourselves a favor and go see this. This is the first movie I have seen in a while that I have actually felt myself emotionally connect to the characters.

The acting was phenomenal. Can I just say that if someone asked me right now who my favorite NEW actor/actress was, my answers would be Andrew Garfield and Carey Mulligan. My goal is to see every film each of them has been in. Andrew recently blew me away in "The Social Network" and Carey did the same for me with her Oscar-nominated performance in last year's "An Education". I predict that each of these actors will be very successful in the future.

Another thing about this film: the score. The score is so beautiful and I could listen to it all day. Music is something that is crucial to a film. It sets the mood and helps everything flow together. I am a sucker for movie scores and this one has definitely won my heart.

The setting/location of this film was absolutely breathtaking. It was filmed in England and Scotland. These are two places I am so desperately wanting to visit. Ever since I was little, I've been obsessed with British music, literature, and films. I'm not quite sure why, but I'm just naturally drawn to them. I really hope I can visit the school that was used as Hailsham, the school in the film. I wish I could have gone to a boarding school that looked like that.

I don't want to go into too much detail about the film because it can easily be spoiled. It is an emotional rollercoaster that will literally throw you for a loop. Just go see it. You won't regret it. :)

running away won't change anything, it only puts it off...

Have you ever wanted to tell someone something but you don't know how to say it?

Have you ever wanted to just ask someone "why?"

Have you ever met someone who made you feel?

Have you ever been in an awkward situation and tried not to make it awkward?

Have you ever tried to fix someone in a broken state?

Have you ever wanted to fix someone?

Have you ever been truly happy and satisfied?

Have you ever believed in love?

Have you ever given up on someone?

Have you ever compared someone to another person?

Have you ever judged someone without knowing what's really going on with them?

Have you ever taken your thoughts to a blog because you don't know how to express yourself?

Have you ever given someone a second chance?

Have you ever thought about how your actions affect another person?

Have you ever thought about how the other person's actions are affecting you?

Have you ever?

It's a GREAT day!

Well, on Friday, I am going to embark on a new journey in my life. I've been hired to be a camp counselor for Junior Camp (a week-long session) at one of the best places on Earth, Camp Greystone. I attended this camp for 3 years when I was in middle school. It was one of the best experiences of my life and I am excited to come back and experience it from a different point-of-view. I must admit that I am quite nervous since this will be the first time I have ever worked with children. I have been doing a lot of praying recently that I will make a positive impact on each of these girls during our time together at camp. I'm also praying that God will open my heart and purify my mind and that this experience will ultimately draw me closer to Him again. I am human and I fall short sometimes, but I am ready to fully give myself to Him once again. I've been struggling with this decision for quite a long time and I believe that sometimes you have to experience things that make you realize other things. Truth is, whenever I smell a summer thunderstorm approaching, whenever I laugh with my sister, or whenever I see flowers in full bloom, I cannot help but know that I am looking straight into the face of God. I know that I have been putting Him aside for so long, but I can't do that anymore. He has been testing me for a couple of years and I have learned so much about myself and others. I have been able to master the art of putting myself into others' shoes and learning to put my needs second. I have learned that my true friends will support me in anything I decide to do, while other friends will disappoint me. I am working hard to return to where I stood with God a few years ago and I know that I will reach that point again someday soon. I pray that these kids and this experience will contribute to this journey in my life that is most important. I am a sinner, but I know that God's grace has saved me and no one can take that away from me. There is no greater gift that I will ever receive. I am no longer living for myself or for others. I am taking that brave step and will strive to live my life for Him. Please pray for me as I start this incredible journey on Friday. I love you all and I thank God for you every day.

"Madge-ical"

I'm writing this blog about one of my favorite shows on TV right now. It's a little show called "Glee". You might have heard of it. They did an episode dedicated to Madonna last night and it was, for lack of a better word, EPIC. This episode was so good that it will probably be nominated for an Emmy or another Golden Globe. Not only is the music on this show amazing, but the writers deserve a lot of credit for making this show what it is. I haven't been this impressed with writing in a show since "30 Rock" and "The Office". The one-liners are spot-on and very quotable. The costumes are fantastic as well. I really can't think of anything negative to say about this show.

On another note, Madonna songs have been stuck in my head ALL day. More specifically, "Like A Prayer" and the mash-up of "Borderline" and "Open Your Heart". This episode was even better for me because I'm a Broadway addict and my favorite Broadway performer, Jonathan Groff, was in this episode. His voice is like butter. I've also had the privilege of seeing him perform live on a Broadway stage 3 times and even better, I've met him 3 times. He is such a nice, down-to-earth guy and I'm glad he's on this show. It's also interesting to see him and Lea Michele work together again. I've also seen Lea perform 3 times on Broadway. If you didn't know, Jonathan and Lea played the lead roles in my favorite musical, "Spring Awakening". If you like their song together from last week's episode, "Hello", you should go to iTunes and download the songs, "The Word of Your Body" and "The Guilty Ones" from the original cast recording of "Spring Awakening". Or I could email them to you. Whatever works :)

If you don't watch "Glee", I strongly encourage you to watch it. I would suggest to start with last night's episode. Be careful though! It will more than likely suck you in.

Friends and slushies

Today was a day worth blogging about. First, I woke up this morning around 8:30 and went to breakfast with my whole family at Cracker Barrel. I spent a weekend with my entire family, but mostly my sister, because my mom had to work and my dad was playing in a tennis tournament. Times with my whole family are rare, except in the summer. Charlotte and I are ready for summer. I can speak for Charlotte when I say that she is ready because as a former boarding school student, right now is the time where kids get antsy. They are tired of school and ready to come home. Imagine being 16 years old and feeling like you're in college. Being 4 hours away from home and your family and pets can be quite tough at times. As for me, I'm just ready to be done with school. I'm tired and I need a break. It looks like I'm going to be at home this summer and that's okay with me. I guess some things, such as internships, aren't meant to be. Well, at least for this summer. I have another year until I graduate too, so technically, I'm a junior. Maybe I'm going to be at home this summer for a reason. I look at it as making up lost time while I was at boarding school. Hopefully, I will have a job though.

I got back to Raleigh around 1 PM and Mom, Charlotte, and I went to Whole Foods to get some lunch. My dad had to stay back home because he was playing in his tennis tournament again. For those of you who don't know, my dad is REALLY good at tennis. He's a South Carolina state champion and he takes it pretty seriously. He plays every weekend. I'm proud of him. :) Anyway, after we ate, Mom and Charlotte dropped me off at school and they took off for Virginia. At 3 PM, I headed down to the soccer field to see one of my best friends, Maggie, who was in town visiting and "refereeing" for the powderpuff football game that was supposed to happen today. Well, when I got there, I discovered that the seniors (with the exception of 2) hadn't showed up to play, so they forfeited and the juniors won.

Maggie and our friends, Katie, Sam, and Kourtney decided to meet Kiran at the Royal Bean for slushies. We stayed there for about an hour just talking and laughing at random stuff. It was a lot of fun talking to everyone, especially Maggie and Katie because I haven't seen them in so long. I don't think I mentioned this earlier, but they are Meredith alums. Then, we left and headed over to the apartments and went to see our friend, Kasey. We stayed and talked to her for a while and then we headed back. Maggie had to go so she dropped us off. It was really good to see her today. I really needed that. I've missed her a lot. Also, it made me really miss one of my best friends, Elise, who could not be here today due to the fact that she now lives in West Palm Beach, FL. However, she was there in spirit!

After that, my mom came back through Raleigh and I met her for dinner at Moe's. She couldn't stay long because she had to drive another 2 and a half hours back home. My parents have done a TON of driving in the past 6 years. I seriously don't know what I would do without them. So, I headed back to school and got settled in. I decided at around 9:30 that I really wanted some ice cream so my friend, Beth and I went and got some ice cream. Today was a REALLY good day. It was jam-packed full of family and friends. Days like these are the reason I live. If y'all are reading this, I love you guys. :)