Me time

It was a rainy Saturday afternoon in Cebu City.  It was “alone” time for me  - a rare treat for me not to be in the office as is my usual sched on a Saturday; I didn’t join the tour of the city by officemates from our Panay office;  I didn’t go to the mall.   It was “me” time, donned in comfy clothes (a.k.a “pambahay”), enjoying browsing through the internet on my laptop while having coffee at the Brown Cup Café, a cozy coffee shop just a minute’s walk from my apartment building. 

I had come across a video of this 10-year old girl, Jackie Evancho, belting out an operatic rendition of the Lord’ Prayer.  It was amazing! It was gripping! Her performance was touching! And I thought to myself, “I have GOT to show this music vid to mommy.  She’d enjoy this!”   

It took about 2 seconds for reality to sink in – my mom’s not here anymore.  It has been five years and I think of her all the time…but for the nth time, I had actually forgotten I wouldn’t be going home to her funny and loving presence.  For the nth time, I had forgotten she wasn’t waiting up for me on a late night.  For the nth time I had forgotten I wouldn’t be able to buy this blouse I saw in the mall which I thought perfect for her.   For the nth time I had actually forgotten she is gone.

My view of the laptop screen blurred as my eyes filled with tears, threatening to fall and ruin my make-up (J).   I looked out the window, avoiding the eyes of anyone looking on.   Surprisingly, while there was pain and heartache, I felt, more than anything else, blessed…wonderfully blessed!  Blessed to have had the fun times with mom, the long talks, the lessons, the love. 

Am once again reminded of how short life is, of cherishing the here and the now, of appreciating – and showing it to – the ones we love, of overlooking the flaws and centering on the good, of how beautiful life is, of how generous and merciful our Father is. 

Am once again reminded that though mom has gone on, I am not alone.  I have been gifted with an awesome presence – YOU.  

Father

Wally, a colleague in the office, is a proud new father to a cute 5-month old baby boy, Elijah.  One time, he was showing off pics from his mobile phone of baby Elijah with a big toothless smile, of Elijah sitting awkwardly in-between cushions, of Elijah doing absolutely doing nothing but look curiously at the camera.   Wally was beaming with pride!  And I wondered why…Elijah was doing what every baby boy does.

Not to be outdone, I showed a video of my 7-month old nephew, Inigo, being turned-over in a forward roll by his teacher at Little Gym (Yes, 7-month old Inigo is already in school doing baby school stuff).   I showed a video of Inigo crawling eagerly to get a toy, of inigo drooling over a ball, of Inigo doing absolutely nothing but look curiously at the camera.  I was a proud aunty!  And then I understood why Wally beamed with pride and joy.

I recall these moments with a smile….because as proud as Wally and I were, I realized that must be exactly, may be even more, how our Father looks at us.  How loving and tender He must look at us as we come to Him in thanksgiving.  How He must look at us with compassionate and kindly eyes as we come to Him, humbly asking for favors.   How He must look at us with joyful eyes as we show our love and compassion for the unlovable and generosity for the needy.  How He must beam with pride at us…we are, after all, His children.

But children grow up.  And sometimes we grow to forget to give thanks.  Sometimes we grow to think we can rely on our own reasons and strengths.  Sometimes we grow to be indifferent and petulant and even unforgiving of those who have less.   Sometimes we forget our Father.  And it is at these moments when our Father looks at us with eyes of pain and heartache. 

 Many times I have caused that sad look in His eyes.  Many a times I have caused His heart to break.  But still, I feel His hand reach out in love as He blesses me in more ways than I deserve.  He loves me still… in spite of my sinfulness.  In fact, He sent His son FOR me.  

I long and will try my darndest to put that beam of pride and joy in my Father's eyes.  It IS going to be tough.  It IS going to be long.  It IS going to be a challenge.  It may take days....nay, years, maybe decades even. No matter if it takes me 7... or 70 years...the beam of joy in my Father's eyes will be well worth it.