Not so long ago Ryan and I began our little
dd/ttwd journey. In another week or so it will be two years since I first
covered my face with a blanket and tried to explain this whole mess to him.
Looking back I remember the uncertainty. The fear. The guilt. It was
frightening to take our marriage in a totally different direction. It was in a
way....a blind leap of faith. I spent a lot of time in tears. A lot of time
trying to guess what was in his head....and mostly being wrong every time. I
got sent to the closet too many times to count for trying to think for him.
Lol. Here is a list of some of the things I thought he thought....confused
yet?!
I honestly believed
I was a burden. Let's face it. I went from Miss Independent...don't you tell me how to do this....to a woman who
was trying to find her softer… more yielding side. All of that sounds great…. what
man wouldn't want that?! Until
you are that woman. And you find in unearthing your vulnerability you bring up
more emotions and baggage than you ever knew existed. So all if this causes
you....this knew softer version of you... To lean on your husband. To
need him in ways you never have…. never thought you would ever want to. So of
course I felt for Ryan. I just knew that this new emotional me was a
burden. I couldn't have been more wrong.
The new me needed my
husband. The new me wanted to feel his comfort. His strength. The changes
in me....simultaneously caused changes in him. The new Ryan wanted to care for
me. Wanted to be my rock. The new Ryan liked the role that he found himself in.
Leader. Caretaker. The new Ryan wanted to be asked….wanted….heck needed to make
decisions. It wasn’t a burden to him….in
a lot of ways it was like he had finally been unleashed so to speak…and allowed
to be the man he always wanted to be.
Along the way I also
feared that one day he would get tired of living ttwd. He would yearn for the
days where he could do his own thing, and not worry about where that left his
wife. In the beginning we were so confused with what this was all
supposed to look like. Rules/no rules. How to spank. Why to spank. Are we even
normal?? Should we even do this? And me: Why have I come to need this? At
times we would be so lost...so far off the road I just knew....or thought I
did....that he would want to give up and go back. The funny thing is....I am
the only one who ever wanted to give up. He was sure of his destinations. He just kept driving...wholeheartedly
believing that we would again find our way. A few times I tried to take a hold
of the steering wheel and direct our path. He would promptly pull over
....spank the heck out of me...and put me back in the passenger seat ;)
The longer we ventured on. The more I came to need
this way of life. I never imagined that he might feel the same way. I just knew
that I liked the stability that I felt. I liked that we had ways of solving
conflicts. I loved the man Ryan was turning into. Miss independent found that
she liked being held accountable. It made me feel cherished and loved. I liked
that Ryan touched me more. Not just in the bedroom, but reached out to hug
me... or yank me onto his lap. I began to crave these things.... In ways I never
had before. I never allowed myself to think he might possibly feel the same
way.
When we began living
this life Ryan saw changes too. It was just not information I was privy to at
the time. As I began to soften. To yield. He began to feel respected. This is
something he will tell you he had never felt before. All of the emotions we
sifted through. All of the hard talks we had. All those things brought us
closer as a couple. Yes I asked a lot of him. I asked him to change. I asked
him to try this with me. Looking back I had no idea what he was really
thinking. Now I know. I know that he is happier than he has ever been. He has
told me numerous times. I know his confidence has sky rocketed in and out of
our marriage. And if he blogged, he would tell you he loves that we do ttwd….
and he has no intention of ever going back.
So... Here is what I
am saying: This is not for everyone. I won't pretend that it is. Not one of us
has all the answers.....we are all just muddling along the best we can. There
is absolutely no right or wrong. What there is...can be...are two people who
take each other's hand and decide to find their own way. We can only tell you
what worked for us....but I am equally as sure that this looks different in
everyone's house. Whether you have a rule book....corner time....dabble in
bdsm....or spank for fun it is of no matter. Take a good look in the mirror and
ask yourself if you are happy. Then go ask your husband if things are the way
he would want them to be. In the end it is just the two of you. Just like there
is just Ryan and I. Sometimes I still get insecure and I wonder.... But after a
few years I have the confidence that when hard times come…(and come….and man
will we ever figure this out?!) we will find our way again.
