Consideration

I'm thinking of moving my blog, closing this one down or at least marking it as 'done'...something.

What brought this on? I received news today that V.--our most elderly staff member up until a few months ago when she retired (at 96) due to ill health--is doing something similar to what my mom did last month. She has stopped taking her meds, refuses more medical testing, and just wants to be done.

With this news, and the events surrounding my mom's death, along with ill-health of good friends and other family, changes in Beast's job, Sparky's Adventures in Adolescence and other assorted worries, I am in a bit of a tailspin. All I want to do is sleep, do crosswords, play games online, and watch TV. Reading is a challenge--first time for that--and writing is both mentally and physically difficult. It comes as a bit of a surprise to me that my brain can cramp with the weight of stress.

I think I've reached saturation. I need an extended break from...well, everything. And since I can't actually take a break of that sort in my day-to-day life, I've gotta let something go, and hold out for something new and fun around the corner when I no longer feel like I'm on the verge of falling into the abyss pell-mell. It's even possible that any new blog I start might be a little more transparent. Then again, it may not. We'll see.

Metaphor

About 45 minutes, I wrote a blogpost (on the memes blog). No big deal.

Except I just clicked back over to the Blogger tab and realized that I'd finished it but never published it. It was just sitting here in the window looking blank.

Welcome to my world, even worse than normal lately.

Meander

I wonder why I've never really aspired to happiness...or, frankly, much of anything else. Is that why I'm (usually) not unhappy? My goals are small: get through today without making tomorrow any worse than it has to be without my assistance. I don't have--never have had--serious long-term goals. I sense that this is why I have what are essentially panic attacks every time I have major projects to manage: moving, major trips, work processes, etc.

Then again, I'm feeling extra-morose tonight, and cranky. Sucking it up, being the grown-up, doing my duty: it's not fun. It's incredibly important to do that, however, because I know that where I'd end up if I didn't "do the right thing" is an ugly place that I don't want to visit. Or live, God forbid.

Whatever. I don't have the energy or the interest in really delving into my psyche tonight. I have some tough days ahead this week. There is no way around them, so I might as well face them whatever courage I can muster up. Because that's what we Scots do.

If only my fucking eyes weren't all screwed up AGAIN now.

It was bound to happen, really

Starting July 1, Beasty will be available for appearances--for pay--anywhere across the country.
Well, honestly, why be picky: he'd take a job almost anywhere right now!

Because I needed this today

Medical checkin

We took FIL out to dinner last night in honor of MIL's 72nd birthday. We had a good time, he got a little snockered on JB-BL, but a good time was had by all (except Sparky who was so bored his head hit the table for a nap at one point). Upon departure, FIL bumped up against a fixture and that was enough to open up the skin on his arm and he started to bleed like crazy. His skin on his arms is the thickness of a Kleenex. Sigh. Fortunately, this isn't painful--it's just like if anyone else bumped into something lightly--but it's embarrassing and messy. We had to go back inside and ask for multiple napkins and paper towels for him.

Meanwhile, Mom is in the hospital. She has had a bedsore for several months and it needs to be surgically debrided (?) or something. Anyway, it's very painful and her leg is still mending* so she's getting morphine constantly, and she isn't eating very well (and yesterday, due to crap hospital care, her blood sugar hit 39--they had forgotten she's diabetic and hadn't IV'd her or fed her all day)...and my sister is having to leave town for a week, and my brother (normally the geographically closest) is in Denmark (or Sweden?) for a couple of weeks...so that leaves me as the backup in case something happens and one of us kids needs to be there. My sister's husband is there, of course, but he's a PiTA, and I don't trust him very far.

Gah.

Old
Age
SUX!

_________
*I never mentioned here, I guess, that she slid out of her wheelchair in the nursing home van last month when it stopped suddenly. When she landed, her knee-replacement torqued around funny and broke off the end of her femur. Yeah. Fun. We've contacted a lawyer, primarily because we're pretty sure they didn't attached the straps right. We don't want money, just a clear procedure on how to not injure other patients! And she's 87 and frail so healing takes bloody-forever.

I missed someone

When I did my list of medical issues yesterday, I left off my brother-in-law Dean. We got a (surprisingly legible) letter from him...uh...Thursday, I think. Remember, last winter (Jan-Mar), he was having all kinds of problems? (if not, and if you care, you can enter his name in the search box in the upper left of this page)

Turns out he's got an official diagnosis of polycythemia vera. There is a great deal of weirdness in that diagnosis, since my sister--his wife--nearly died of aplastic anemia.

In any case, it's not curable. As he says, "Oh well; such is life." He'll probably lose more of his extremities.

Seriously? I think this is why I'm not a doctor. There are just too many things that can go wrong in our bodies. I'm beginning to be quite amazed when things are actually functional; for instance, my tear ducts are working really well.

[My mom...who knows. We are in limbo, or more technically, purgatory. Waiting. And this is part of why I don't believe in (traditional) Hell.]

Sisterly Email (plus)

Hello, All!

I haven't felt like writing any news lately. My knee is very sore and the dr. is allowing me to take Tylenol codeine since Aleve is not working so well. All activity has been focused on getting furniture out for painters and carpet layers and then back in to the living, dining, entry, hallway....

Yesterday I had the care conference at [mom's facility]. We talked about Mom's deteriorating condition and they asked permission from Mom and me so that they could start feeding her the pureed food [which she's been getting for a few months now]. She has begun leaning forward with head down unable to look up. She can't seem to even manage the large[-]handled silverware any more. And she is losing weight. They have even substituted a cup that will allow her to drink without the [need] to tip her head back since she can't use a straw. In addition, they are giving her liquid snacks during the day to drink similar to what we know as "Ensure"---protein shake-like drinks.

We saw the neurologist today---didn't really like him personally since he was from the old school (my age) and didn't want to discuss anything I suggested. He tested Mom's memory (which wasn't too good about who is president or the day of the week or items that he listed to have her repeat). He asked her to spell words and perform some subtraction and she did answer those correctly. He looked at her eyes, pushing her head and limbs every which way and declared that she does not have Parkinson's.... He claimed it is just deterioration of the brain circuitry.

Then I discovered today that they have been treating her for a urinary tract infection with Septra (sulpha) and she was red in the face with a swollen lower lip [because she is allergic to sulpha drugs--duh!]. [The facility] asked [her primary doctor] to change the prescription but he discontinued it saying she probably has had enough to kill whatever the infection was. However, the nurse at [the facility] also diagnosed thrush in her mouth ... caused by antibiotics so they will be treating that now. Her heel blister has healed beautifully!

I have seen quite a deterioration in the past month. I feel I must warn you that with her eating problems and lack of attention and speech difficulties she seems to failing fast. She asked about the bird feeder so we will take it back and wash her new windows with LimeAway so she can see out! I did bring up the fact that the facility should be doing this and they said they would get at it, but I am not holding my breath. I have bought her 3 new outfits to wear; I will continue to read to her until my surgery on the 21st.

[Elizabeth], since you are coming, maybe you can continue the reading to her, I hope, for that week plus maybe feeding her one meal a day? She is looking forward to seeing you.

[Del], I know you are planning a trip later but I won't tell her anything until the day before! Have a good trip to Gettysburg and Philadelphia? How's [Jesse] doing and when does he get to [Elizabeth and K]'s?

[Cat], is [Beast]'s dad settled in yet to a place in [your] area? That's a big change for him and no doubt your entire family is involved in helping! That's why we haven't heard from you, I guess.

[Katherine] (and [Alan]), Mom did see the pictures of your patio and kitchen. What is the next project? Just kidding!

Sorry to have written such a depressing letter. Between my knee and Mom's condition, I am not in very good humor these days!

Love, [Marie]

P.S.: Our car repair looks like it will run little over $3000.

And...

...the car is on life support.

Raining? No.

Pouring.

Two things

1. To my East Coast-born or -located friends: I was not talking to you. By definition, if you are my friend (on- or off-line), you aren't a fucktard.


2. Pyongyang is a fun word to say. I wonder if it is fun to say in Korean....

PLUS: if someone sees my brain scooting around somewhere, please nudge it my direction. Better yet, replace it with one that doesn't keep falling out, please.

Sigh

Mood: OK
Hair: A little funky from yesterday's braid
Eyes: Tired
Listening to: Sparky doing his homework

In case that last line about homework doesn't give it away...this week is psycho. We are running pretty much non-stop.

I picked up Sparky directly from school yesterday. He and I stocked up the freezer by making 12 Dinner by Design meals. Then we went to Target for some more stuff from FIL--sheets, shower curtain, dishpan--and dishes to replace the Corelle we are giving to FIL to use. We ate...something...for dinner at home, but not one of the meals we just made. I worked on getting more of the embroidery done for FIL, but it's NOT going to be finished when he arrives.

Today, I think I'll be taking an emergency T.O. and coming home at 1:00 to clean up the house, make up the spare room, find the &!%*ing kitchen counter. Then I'll pick up Sparky again, along with our PK, take them to our new study group at church. We'll stay there long enough to eat, and then we'll head home to collect FIL's new TV and take all the stuff we've bought over to his apartment. At some point, I need to call parents about using their kids' labor for moving tomorrow after school.

BIL is staying with us for...awhile. I have no idea how long he's staying. I have no idea what the plan is for the weekend. This is really hard for me because I am very much a creature of habit and OCD planning. [This is also NOT a complaint!! It's just life right now.]

Gaaaah.

There are over 40 posts in Bloglines that I want to read, because they are by friends. If you are one of those people, just know that I have not fallen off the planet, and I will eventually come back and read and comment. Maybe next week.

Short version

I started to do a real post. Here's the abridged version of what I deleted:

Little glimmer of light
Impatience
Brighter light
Crash
Poor me
Whinge
Fury
Whine
Navel gazing
fuckfuckfuck
Cry
Smack forehead
Deal
Crysobcry

That's bascially 7:00 to 9:30. Just can't wait for the rest of the day.

---

Urban Word:

reality distortion field: reality-distortion field n. An expression used to describe the persuasive ability of managers like Steve Jobs (the term originated at Apple Computer in the 1980's to describe his peculiar charisma). Those close to these managers become passionately committed to possibly insane projects, without regard to the practicality of their implementation or competitive forces in the marketpace.

Someone's reality distortion field is broken, and it's not mine. I no longer believe ANYthing is possible. Ever. Which is discouraging.

---

That's all.

I dunno...

...perhaps I actually need to do something proactive about my emotions.

I'm really bummed again tonight. Overwhelmed-bummed, irritated-bummed, thence to sad-bummed. Why?

• Mission-trip stuff is freaking me (the fuck) out



• Youth group stuff in general is freaking me (the fuck) out



• Money stuff (also related to the mission trip, but household too--we're fine, just had a rough month)



• Talked to my niece today; things are not good in her marriage...and she's a prize to talk to in any event



• Beast is out of town; normally that's not a big deal, but I'm feeling so incredibly insecure right now that EVERYthing is a big deal



• I'm still terminally irritated with several people, and can't figure out how to let go of it



• Residual concern about my mom...from the conversation I had Saturday with my sister



• Got a really terse message from my boss in email today leading me to believe that I was inadvertantly involved in a fuckup on Saturday. I'm totally feeling like I can't win for losing at work lately. I don't want to BE there--still like my job, but omfg I hate the place.



• Not looking forward to a call I have to make tomorrow relating to our Memorial Day plans: Sparky won't be able to participate in the parade for very good reasons. I'd better not get flak.



• Catalog meeting Wednesday. I'm less than thrilled. I have to do an agenda tomorrow.



• Church meeting tomorrow night. I'm supposed to have a job description written for youth leader--it was due two months ago--and I haven't been to this particular meeting in awhile, and...guiltguiltguilt

Now I'm annoyed at the pity party taking shape around me.

I just wonder if every time someone in my family gets sick/gets hurt, I'm going to get to relive the inadequacies of all the previous times we've dealt with this?

---

Urban Word:

dk/dc: Don't know/don't care
I wish I could really integrate into my psyche my exterior, carefree, dk/dc attitude....

---

PS--On the other hand, it's pretty hard not to laugh at Dirty Jobs tonight. Mike is just not having a good time: toxic mold, dead rats, sucking turkey sperm, and god only knows what the girl turkeys have in store for him.

More schedule

OK, I know this is getting repetitive. These things totally go in cycles, though.

I slept poorly last night due to ridiculously stupid television-watching before bed: a true crime show about a college girl, an hour of classifying various serial killers by their level of "evil", and an hour on the VA Tech shootings. And then off to bed.

It should come as no surprise then that today was not a good day. I spent ten minutes this morning doing a major PMS routine with Sparky. I yelled at coworkers--not that I haven't asked them dozens of times nicely about this issue--and then wasted over 4 hours working on the bloody demand order from last week. I got no forward-motion work done. The printer wouldn't work until I practically beat the shit out of it.

Left work at 3:15, stopped for pop for tonight's meeting, and thought my bad mood was lifting. Nope. Sparky and I arrived home at the same time and I picked up where I left off this morning. Eventually I settled down, but not before spending almost 15 minutes waiting for this laptop to boot up and then another 20 trying to get the documents for tonight's Session meeting to print.

I took a twenty-minute break, talked to Beast on the phone--he's on his way to Holland--had a brief convo with Sparky about tomorrow's schedule (see below) and left at 5:50 for the meeting.

My confirmand didn't show up. Bad sign. I shoulda left at that point. Tonight's the night the Session meets and welcomes the confirmands to the congregation. We had dinner with them, chatted, blahblahblah. Then they left and the actual meeting started.

HOLY     MARY     MOTHER  OF  GOD!!

I was clearly a bad person in a former life. This meeting was hell. We adjourned at 9:50. I yelled at people THREE TIMES to stop talking at once so I could fucking hear the wording of the actual motions being made. I was in tears by the end, put away the laptop, talked with a few people after I'd pulled myself together a bit, and stumbled out the car where I sobbed for a couple of minutes. Last, except the pastor, to leave. Fuck me sideways, I hate these meetings.

Tomorrow, up at 5:20 to shower and head off to Bible Study--which I NEED in a visceral way, especially this week. Sparky will head off to school on his own, and then come over to the library afterwards to do his homework. Once he's got that sorted out, we'll head to Amy's house (tee hee), stopping on the way for gas. Say goodbye to another $50.

Amy and I are doing a class together tomorrow night. During the class, Sparky will terrorize the world from the computers in the library where she works. Afterwards, we drive home...about an hour?

Thursday morning I have a massage at 9--gee, d'ya think I need one?--and then I work in the afternoon and evening.

Friday, I'm off work. It was tempting at tonight's meeting to say that I would be one of the Session reps going to the mediation meeting with a local government mafioso-in-his-own-mind....but no. The only reason that I'd want to be there is if I had a loaded pump-action shotgun for use on the aforementioned politico. He is s jerk. Instead, I'll probably clean the house up. Woohoo.

The upshot that I'm spending a lot of time, words, and space to say is that I'm not going to be home much this week.

Beast is on his road trip through Thursday (?) and then will head to his parents' house to see what he can do to help out there. He'll head home either Saturday or Sunday.


Good things:

Sparky still loves me (why, I have no idea)               kids are riding bikes in the neighborhood
   nothing in my body is actually causing me tremendous amounts of pain right now       
               I have a curtain in my kitchen window for the first time ever in this house
(and for the first time in any kitchen in a house in which I've lived in this state!)
magnolia trees are blooming                         friends--OMG, without friends I'd so be toast!
         there's a freezer full of dinners in my basement          I have earplugs and I'm not afraid to use 'em                   
   I know I'm not the only cranky person around (there were three of us at tonight's meeting)
                  CT didn't have a heart problem after all                    teenagers make me laugh
    I have a good book on CD in the car             a massage is coming very soon         
 seeing Amy          the weather is wonderful                I heard some good/loud headbanging music at work today 

---

Urban Word:

web shy: Unwillingness to expose one's thoughts, feelings or identity on the web, knowing that doing so means freaknobs from Baton Rouge to Bangladesh will know everything about you.

Judging by this post alone, I doubt very much I would ever be diagnosed as web shy.

Trade-off

I slept last night--well, I slept really hard from 11:30 until the alarm went off at 5:30.

The trade-off is that my neck and shoulders hurt like hell. Apparently, not moving all night is a bad thing...?

Whatever

Driving at rush hour through horizontally-falling snow is not fun. The DTs suck and watching someone go through them sucks too, even if the person suffering them is unconscious and fully sedated. Golf is a stupid game, and it makes people swear a lot. If you don't have a will, a medical power of attorney, and a legal guardian for yourself in case of accidents or whatever...you should. Go get one.

Now.

Mood: Tense, emotionally exhausted, and unhappy (in no particularly order)
Hair: STINKS! I hate cigarette smoke!
Listening to: Beast swearing at his Tiger Woods golf game

World Blessing Generator has this to say to me tonight:

May Wisdom and Happiness compete to see which can do you the greatest favor,
and all of your relationships be blessed with balance and harmony.
Continue your spiritual practice no matter what happens or what anyone does to you.
Pray and
accept.

Another question

(I think I'm regressing to age three...)

Why did I come to work today? I knew when I left last night that I was at Reference from 9 a.m. till noon. As the day has evolved that has turned into an additional hour at Reference and an hour at the circ desk.

Meanwhile the snow is prettily floating down, going on 7 hours now. It looks like an accumulation so far of about 4 inches.

I knew this would happen. There are about 12 people who took today off. We are at bare-bones staffing. Driving in from my house this morning was pretty horrendous; driving home will be worse. When I get home, I need to dig out the driveway (which undoubtedly the plows will have filled in), clean Buddy's cage, take the trash out to the curb, and make about 8 phone calls. I'm just hoping we don't lose (and haven't lost) power, because that's a whole OTHER annoyance.

I'm so beyond cranky, a feeling not helped a bit by the knowledge that I'm being a big crybaby. If I were single, this would be normal. When Sparky moves out, this will be normal whenever Beast is on a business trip. I'm just really really spoiled.

And cranky.

Did I mention that? Yeah, well, I am.

Today

...was wonderful. Not that I have the foggiest idea where the time went, but it was wonderful. I bought 18 gallons of gas (!! I just Googled--my tank only holds 20), stopped for cream cheese and 7-Up (and dinner, and Clean Shower and so forth) at the store, picked up the mail at the p.o., and then came home and logged onto SimCity and watched the first 5 episodes of season one of Little House on the Prairie. It's only been sitting here for...what...4 months?

Beast called at one point, and we IM'd, so that was a break in the process. Sparky came home in terminal-meltdown mode ("WHY do I need to take four years of English? When will I ever need to use this stuff?? WHY?!?! I just want to get started on my life and be DONE with school!"). Sound familiar. Luckily, I was Good Mom today and just sat here and listened and hugged him and suggested maybe he hadn't had enough lunch (he forgot to deposit the check I wrote this morning, so they'd only give him a PBJ for lunch). I love that kid. I really, really do. He has NO idea. We never do, do we?

[By the way, I think the crux of this is that they are reading "Romeo and Juliet" and he's not 'getting' Shakespeare, and he's right--it's not a great play, really.]

Anyway, he's settled down and finished his homework and is currently working on the garbage and guinea pig cage. The same guinea pig that peed on me the other night while I was holding him. Eeeuw. He hasn't made it off my shit list from that!

Tonight: dinner, Survivor, CSI (rerun), cleaning for the cleaning lady and updating my book blog, finally.