please disregard rambling & sentences that don't make any sense. thanks.
i just finished watching the help.
heaven knows, i'm a crier. always have been. i went through this stage that started in the middle of my freshman year of high school and lasted until my sophomore year where my emotions were dry. nothing made me cry. i feel like it was just myself toughening up for a major move to a new state. i was so ready to start over. around march of my sophomore year, some things happened & i went through some major growing up. then, overnight, it was like i reverted back to my eleven year old self, and random events would make the tears run down my face. maybe its because i'm a tender soul. maybe its because i'm a hormonal seventeen year old girl. maybe its just because i'm a crier & always have & always will be.
anyways, the help. the story of the black hired help (the maids) in jim crow mississippi. its heart wrenching and beautiful & eye opening. these black women literally raised generation after generation of little white boys and girls who grew up believing they were their real mamas. in all reality, their birth mothers were in the next room over drinking expensive gin & playing bridge with the other members of high social society. over & over, the black maid repeats to her adopted white children: you is kind. you is smart. you is important. because really, who is going to teach you to become an acceptable human being if your own mother won't? or can't? gah. my eyes are filling up with tears as i type this. in the final scene of the movie, as a young girls black maid, Aibileen, is leaving after a nasty fallout with the girl's mother, Aibileen reminds her that she is worth rubies.
"baby, do you remember what i told you?"
"you is kind. you is smart. you is important."
"now baby you must always remember that, even when i'm not here."
oh gosh. this is ridiculous. i'm bawling just thinking about it. i'm five years old sometimes, its fine.
this is the scene when Aibileen teaches her girl just how valuable she is.
so.
the main point i'm trying to get across.
this movie is amazing. please go watch it. i've always had a soft spot in my heart for life lessons & southern black civil rights movements. you'll cry too. actually, you probably won't. you'll just think of me bawling like a child every time you watch it.
night :)
jess.
ps. it snowed like, 1/16th of an inch last night. its a good start.
pss. i'm not throwing up anymore. tmi? yeah probably. sorry.
getting the flu at 4 oclock on the morning after christmas isn't good no matter who you are. i stumbled out of bed and into the bathroom multiple times last night & probably ran 4 baths. i've decided the worst sound in the world is puking. & that is that.
and so, since today is a sick sick sick day, there's nothing to do but lounge in my favorite pair of panties & and oversized sweatshirt while keeping words with friends, facebook, blogger, & pinterest open in safari on my laptop while sipping diet coke & reading the hunger games for the eightieth time. its fine.
i feel a midnight premiere coming on. these books get better every time.
it sucks when even the thought of food makes your stomach turn. blechhhh. my dreams were super weird last night... the eagle high school football team, my english teacher, the neighbor's german shepherd, and multiple others from my school that i'm not even friends with made appearances. (oh this is so weird.)
oh did i mention that all of my other siblings are throwing up as well? plus all of my cousins, even the ones in utah & cincinnati? yeah its strange. i hate flu season.
i have no problem sleeping until 8 on christmas morning,
but i have small(ish) siblings for whom the magic of christmas morning is still very alive.
which, is why. at six o'clock this morning, i was woken up to see what santa brought.
i honestly don't remember anything that went on,
because right after stockings were open i went back to bed.
the usual breakfast & an hour of church this morning.
i am proud to say that i've updated my wardrobe (alot).
my favorite present. stall plates. i've been wanting these forever, and now my ponies will have personalized name tags. you know, just in case i forget who they are. ha.
after church, presents were opened & the haul was good.
first off, i think i should get the preliminary questions out of the way. hi. how's the family? good? good. the weather? yeah i know, it sucks. no snow. & how are you doing? please don't feel obligated to answer that one because i think i already know what the answer is. you can nod and say you're doing fine, but i know you don't want to talk to me. not even about the weather, or utah state basketball, or your time trials that you invited me to that i never showed up at. i really am sorry about that, but i didn't know if the invitation still stood after i broke your heart.
its been almost two weeks since we've talked. and i don't mean the "hey what's goin' on?" type of text conversations we've been having. i mean the type that we used to have. the kind where you would tell me whats been going on with your family, how your brothers are doing, the stupid things that jake and morgan do. the kind that you would tell me you miss me & that you'll meet me after school. its okay to tell me those things still. i know we can't be together, you said it yourself, but i still love you and i'm always here. please don't be afraid of me. i know i hurt you, but please, please believe it wasn't on purpose.
but mostly, i'm writing for a few reasons. i think i'm writing you just to wish you a merry christmas. you're in utah, so i'm sorry i can't stop by to give you a kiss on the cheek & your favorite pizza. i'm writing you to tell you thank you. for always knowing what to say, what lame jokes to tell, and sharing the best running paths around boise with me. if i ever see you there i promise i'll wave. thanks for letting me be your first love. i'm sorry it didn't work out how we planned- but if we're meant to be it will happen. thank you for the basketball games, the hugs in the dark, and accepting me for who i am. i will always love you for that. i hope you never forget me & that i changed you for the better. i hope you think about me whenever you hear our song & all the things we shared.
if you're reading this, i hope it helps you understand. i hope that all your dreams come true.
be soft. don't let the world make you hard. don't let the pain make you hate. don't let the bitterness steal the sweetness. take pride that even though the rest of the world may disagree you still believe it to be a beautiful place.
i've decided my favorite thing to do is clean stalls.
its therapeutic.
before you decide i'm certifiably insane, let me explain.
kathy can second this :)
there are very few places that we can just think without having to focus on anyone or anything.
i can't do it at school.
i can't do it while i do my homework.
i can't do it when i go run, because i'm trying too hard to keep my butt going to let my mind wander.
some can do it while they drive, but i tend to hit things when i'm lost in my stream of consciousness.
the best thing for me to do is to offer to clean the kids stalls and just move from
one end of the barn to the other.
i put my earphones in and listen to my cleaning playlist,
and just let my mind wander.
sometimes i find myself solving problems without trying,
