I want to be average

Funny title, huh.

I've spent 10 days on holiday, which has been amazing but actually more than that it has just been necessary. I was on the verge of losing.it. Whatever "it" is.

So, as you do whilst on holiday, I spent some time reevaluating. And that's what has inspired the title of this post - wanting to be average.

Perhaps it's because we just did the census here in New Zealand and I'm in survey mode. But in any case I was thinking about surveys and those ones where you are asked to evaluate the person or performance on a scale - with average in the middle and then below average, very poor, above average, and outstanding on either side.

I am aware that as a person I am out of balance. And that some of the things that I am below average on and above average on, are robbing from other things, or adding to other things, and it's having a bad effect on me.

I made a survey and thought I'd put it here - I've circled my answers. (If it looks small on your screen basically very poor is on the left, average in the middle, outstanding on the right).

(Yes, I'm a dork).

For me to function as a human being and not turn into a vegetable, I need to re-order some stuff in my life. I have placed such a high value on being reliable, dependable, a good friend, saving the day, "Being Jesus", Loving Others, Serving, and doing lots of other very worthwhile things, that I've sacrificed some very basic needs of my own - for example having a shower more than once or twice a week (yes, it's embarrassing, now you know) - and also some important emotional things, like spending time with God, doing things I enjoy, and getting a bit of exercise or eating something healthier than just toast because it happens to be there and is quick. Let alone sleep. I mean, hello. Hard with a three and a half month old baby anyway, but I'm surely not going to get any extra when I'm rushing about trying to be everything to everybody else. And at the end of the day my relationships with my husband and kids suffer if I've got no energy left for them after being there for everyone else. And that's not cool because they are my loves, my legacy, my lifes work and my joy.

 

This is hard for me, because I love people - I love my friends, I love to be there for people, especially those who are lonely. It's either how God made me and is my heart, or it's a result of my upbringing - either way, it's not natural for me to be able to ignore a need. 

I'm having to learn - every need is not necessarily mine to fix or fill. Sometimes prayer is the best thing you can offer. If your family don't get your time or attention when they need it, don't offer it to others until they do. Sometimes peoples feelings might get hurt but if your heart is in the right place then they will understand, if they actually are your friend. Sometimes it is okay to be alone. It is good to do things that make you happy. Sometimes it is okay to say no, and not give a reason why.

So I'm aiming to be average. I can't bring the Very Poor or Below Average areas in my life up unless I bring some of the others down. I'm really, really sorry about that. Does this mean you can no longer depend on me? I think it probably does. Please depend on God instead. He can do so much more than I can. He is a better friend, mentor, and life-giver than I. Way way WAY better! How prideful of me to try to get in there and do his work. Sorry, Jesus. 

And yet I can hear some people say "So Sarah, this is all well and good, but it's still about you DO-ing. What about BE-ing?" Yep, I get that. That's what I'm trying at. I guess this is just a practical way of assessing my life. If I make it clear what I'm heading towards, perhaps people will be able to accept the times I want to just BE. To just sit outside under a tree with my kids. To just sit in a chair with my eyes closed. To just listen to my husband talk. 

Thanks for reading, and for being in my life. I feel the need to apologise and ask forgiveness - but let me say this - none of us, you or I, should ever have to apologise for wanting to be healthier, and happier, and more whole. None of us. So I won't apologise. I will just say to you, Onwards, on your own journey. Go and find God. Go and find Yourself. Go and find freedom. Find life. Discover your future. Live long and prosper... (hang on, is that Star Trek? I got lost there). I think I may need to go rent Pocahontas again...

xx Sarah 

P.S: I plan to do a post or two next about the good books I've read while I was away, and other light-hearted things. I just felt the need to get this one off my chest first.

I hate exercise.

2 weeks ago I purchased some clothing suitable for physical fitness of some kind. It was an exercise in espionage. Trying to get inside the door of rebel sport and navigate the aisles of foreign, stretchy lycra without meeting anyone I know (actually quite difficult in Wanganui) or anyone asking me for help, was quite an achievement. Then I was faced with the dilemma of whether I really wanted to spend $60 on a pair of stretchy pants to wear while doing something I didn't want to do. In the end I decided I didn't and then repeated the exercise, this time instead in the sportswear aisles of the Warehouse. As I tiptoed around I felt as thought I had a neon, flashing arrow pointing to my head that yelled "Look at Sarah! She's going to attempt to get fit!" Something which I guess most people may feel proud of but not me, oh no.
My hatred of sport and exercise is deep rooted and started as a child I think. Most of it is just part of being an Arty Creative Type, I was never naturally inclined towards sporty stuff and spent my childhood going to piano lessons and pretending to be Eeyore by eating grass in my front yard rather than at Saturday morning sport. I went through a variety of attempts at sport - a year of netball, a year of hockey, a year of badminton, a stint at cross country, a year of a gym membership, one painful weekend trying to learn to snowboard - but certainly none of those experiences brought about any kind of self-confidence or desire to commit in any capacity to Sport as a thing  that I do. I do not do Sport. I do not do Fitness. I do not do Exercise.
And why would I? I don't like feeling puffed, or tired, or raising my heart rate, or sweating, or adrenalin, or putting in any sort of physical effort. I hate competition. I have plenty of memories of high school P.E with grumpy 16 year old boys blaming me for the loss of whichever stupid game we were forced to play in our horrible, clingy polyester polo shirts and unflattering shorts. In fact, that brings back memories of me as a 10 year old, one of the earliest "developers" in my class (Yes, I'm going there), and having to do running races and holding my purple t shirt out in front of me as I ran because I was so self conscious. And at that same age I got glasses for the first time, huge purple and bronze speckled frames (very trendy at the time), but every encounter with a ball of any kind seemed to send them flying off my face in various embarrassing situations. Sport to me has very rarely ever been fun. When I was 13 I am proud to say that I managed to weasel out of every single sporting event at my school - cross country, athletics and swimming sports included.
So the purchasing of the aforementioned sports gear was accompanied by much grumbling and cringing on my part. I feel as though I am betraying my inherent values and belief systems. And that's nothing compared to actually wearing the gear.
I walked out of my house on Monday afternoon looking all sporty and I swear, I would have felt less conspicuous if I'd been wearing a clown costume. Or a Big Bird outfit. The neon arrow made it's reappearance again, this time shouting "Haha! Sarah's now going to attempt to DO something that involves exercise!"
Anyway, I've been for 2 walks this week. I went round the "lake of virgins" (as my husband would call it) twice at speed and then walked around the 2 city bridges a couple of days later. Pushing both my kids in the double buggy. I can't yet say that I enjoyed it.
Joking and sarcasm aside, I really struggle with this whole thing. As a teenager I had the "perfect figure", I guess - I never had to worry about how I looked in anything really. I ate what I wanted (which wasn't much, to be honest) and I didn't really exercise, apart from the one year mentioned above where I had a gym membership - and this was just because my two best friends were competing in aerobics competitions so I was at the gym as a social activity rather than for myself. I did get fit doing it and I did enjoy it, but it was mainly because of the time spent with them rather than from any feeling I got from it (I think). But I also didn't eat that much. I just was not interested in food. I remember telling people that I didn't get the point of it - it went in your mouth, out the other end, why did we bother? I didn't get any joy from eating. I didn't even like chocolate!!! I know, shocking. My mum and anyone else who knew me always served up an insanely small portion of food for dinner. When I got engaged I felt that maybe I should be putting in some kind of effort for the whole wedding dress thing, so I had an Elle Macpherson exercise DVD and a "Pilates for dummies" video that I did every day or so. They were fine. In fact, my dressmaker had to tell me to stop doing whatever I was doing because I was getting too small for the dress. But I still wasn't skin-and-bones, by any means. I was just-right. With minimal effort. Oh, how I miss those days.
Somewhere between getting married, and moving towns with my husband 6 months later, I gained around 15 kgs. All on my upper body. For a couple of years I tried various things to lose it. Running, getting up early before work to do the exercise DVD, weird diets where I replaced meals with protein shakes and took "craving suppressant" pills. I've only ever managed to lose 5 of that 15. Never any more. After getting pregnant and having kids, I kind of gave up and to be honest a lot of the time it just doesn't bother me at all.
I love food! I tell you, I obviously just did not know what I was missing. Ha. Eating is now one of the great joys of my life. I love sharing meals with friends. I love breakfast. I love morning tea. I feel like Merry and Pippin "What about second breakfast? Elevensies?" (Lord of the Rings reference, in case you missed it). A cup of tea and something sweet (thanks to my British friend!). And breastfeeding just makes me starving too.
What is the point of this post? Well, it's a confession of sorts I guess. This whole thing has been a loaded issue for me for the last 7 years. Every new year I make a "I will be healthy" resolution, and it lasts about a week. I have had countless "I am going to change" moments, and they last about a week. I have gone over this in my head in every direction for so long.
Part of my issue with it is that I strongly believe that women of every size and shape are beautiful. That we need to learn to love ourselves and value ourselves. I hate the fact that Hollywood and mass media feed us images of size 6, tanned, buff beauties and try to force us to believe that we need to be this way or we are not beautiful. I hate the fact that weight-loss companies make millions off women losing weight and then gaining it again, only to need to go back on their products to lose it again. I don't like there being a standard, "Ideal" version of beauty. I love people like Gok, who are celebrating the female form in all of it's diversity, and inspiring women to make the most of what they like about themselves. I don't like the whole "I'll have a salad" thing at restaraunts. I want to champion these things that I believe, rather than speak down on myself or kill myself trying to conform to some kind of skinny ideal.
But then there's the other side of it. The side that wants to live a healthy, long life for the sake of my kids and my husband. The part of me that knows that the most dangerous fat you can carry collects around your tummy. I know how badly I want to be well and to never get some kind of awful illness, because I know what it is to lose someone and what it is to watch people I love care for people who are ill - and I don't want that for my family. And I want to keep up with my kids. I want to spend a morning at the park with them without being exhausted. I think these things are all worthy reasons for trying to lose weight. Far worthier than wanting to look like the "Old Me" or some superstar on television.
And to be honest, the major factor at the moment, and the reason I'm writing it down here for you all to read, is the mental and emotional side. I have convinced myself that I can't. I can't lose weight. I can't get fit. I hate exercise. I don't do sports. I don't have any willpower. I am not disciplined. I'm lazy. And then as some of you will know, on your really bad, down days this leads pretty quickly to I'm fat. I'm useless. I'm weak. And that leads extremely quickly to chocolate and ice cream and cake.
I never used to comfort eat at all, and that was probably why I stayed thin. When I wasn't coping with life I used to sleep, or shop. I would go to bed in the afternoon and sleep through the night. I would go out and spend, spend, spend. To this day I swear I still get a rush off having a new thing in a bag to bring home and look at. Unfortunately this was always, and still is, pretty temporary because after an hour or 2 you can forget you have it and then 2 days later want something different. But now, I'm a mum. Sleep certainly isn't a readily available option, and neither is shopping, since I married a wise man who knows how to manage money and has taught me about when to spend and when not to. So I turned to food. And this needs to change.

The only thing I should turn to when I can't cope with life is Jesus. He is the one who will sustain. He has the answers I need. He is the comfort I need. And I need to go deeper and further with Him to sort out the destructive thought patterns and lies that lead me to talk down to myself the way I do. I'm a lot better than I used to be. I am so thankful for the journey that God has taken me on this year. I know that I am safe in his love, I know that he wants what is best for me. I know that I can come to him, just as I am, and be accepted and loved and welcomed. I didn't always believe that, so this is massive for me. I feel like I'm now in the right place with Him to be able to confront some of these other rooms in my heart.

That's a reference to a book I have read recently called "God loves Ugly", by Christa Black - one of the most inspirational writers/artists that walk the earth. She talks about how your heart is a house. Each house is full of rooms. Your house can be beautifully painted, nice garden, shiny and new on the outside - but when you open the door each room is black, dirty, mouldy and rotting. You need to go into every room, with Jesus, and show him all of the filth - and allow him to clean out the rooms with you. I know for myself that God has helped me with I think almost all of the rooms in my heart-home. I'm so thankful for what he's done. But there are a couple left, and I want to deal to them. And so begins the adventure. 

I'll probably need to write more on this, but because this is a loooonnnnggg post I am going to stop now, and leave it at that. But if you're going through the same sort of things I highly recommend the above book, by Christa Black. It's not going to be easy to get a copy in the next year - because it's been picked up by a major publisher, and will hit stores all over the place around September next year. I also recommend "Confessions of a reformed dieter" by A.J. Rochester. I read this a couple of years ago on summer holiday and I really appreciated her honesty and was amazed at her weight loss journey. It's interesting though to read it from a spiritual perspective, because it's very clear where she needs Jesus, and she doesn't have him, which is sad. I also love Joyce Meyer, for overcoming the lies we speak to ourself in our mind. I highly recommend Mandisa's album "What if we were real". She has been on an incredible weight-loss journey herself, and her songs are so inspiring and relevant to anyone going through the same thing. I also have recently discovered Doctor Caroline Leaf through listening to Christine Caines podcasts, and am very keen to read her books about how to be set free from negative mindsets and strongholds in your mind. I also absolutely love the blog "Lauren Nicole Love", the raw honesty and openness about relationships and overcoming a damaging past is a breath of fresh air.

And I really want to say strongly and definitively, You Are Beautiful. Size 6, 16, or 26 or whatever, You Are Beautiful. Some incredible and challenging posts that I can't recommend highly enough to read are this one, from Sarah at Emerging Mummy; Tina Francis's post at SheLoves Magazine here; and this post from the Good Women Project about our issues with food. I have read a lot more that have really helped me but, typically, I can't find them now I go back to look. In fact, subscribe to those blogs and you'll get good, honest, uplifting and challenging stuff in your inbox every day.

Thanks for reading. I appreciate so much all your feedback and your comments. I'm still figuring this out, so bear with me while I grow and change.

xx Sarah