The Thrill of Hope

Today is my late Mudear's birthday. I miss her. I think she would've loved my husband and my baby.

BabIES.

I'm still in a little bit of denial. This morning, I rolled over to get out of bed, grazed my belly with my hand and said "Good morning, baby." And something in me drew back a little. It may be the first time I've personally, casually acknowledged the little life inside me. Not that I've been ignoring it (I can't, my whole body has already been hijacked by him/her)-- but I've chosen to let it be... not without care, but without much personality assumed or placed upon it.

It sounds a little rude. And it feels a little wrong. But I tell myself I'm just being cautious. I will eat, rest and care as best I can for this tiny one I carry-- but it's hard to let my heart really dive in and embrace everything that this baby could be. I just-- haven't. Not yet.

I know I'm not the only one who's felt this way. Cautiously excited, ready to plan but holding any real work or celebration or shopping at bay until... week 20? 30? 36? I'm not sure yet.

This December (Lord willing) Todd and Violet and I will welcome this sweet new babe into our lives and home. But I don't think we'll be able to do it without remembering another who would've joined our family late this summer. One who last Christmas, vanished as quickly as he/she came. I was just two months pregnant during the week of December 25th 2013, when suddenly, slowly, miserably I realized that something was wrong. After a week of suffering, the little one we hoped and prayed for was suddenly gone and we were left angry, impatient-- mourning the little person who would never get to spend a Christmas with our family.

In the midst of all our emotions, we were absolutely flooded with care and concern by our closest friends and family. I will never forget how they cared for us so selflessly while we grieved that little soul.

Having a miscarriage was my worst fear for most of my adult life-- and living through it was indeed traumatic-- but experiencing it was a different kind of grace. The further I get from the experience, the more I realize the power and the strength of the hope I have in Jesus, the one who conquered death and the grave. The more I realize the mercy of a God who entrusts us with the gift of little lives to nurture and love-- however short or long they may be. And I realize what a gift it is to have friends, sisters, bound by the same Spirit, who flooded me with words and tears and food and flowers and the knowledge that I wasn't alone. From such tragedy sprang such-- love... overflowing and steady, meeting every need as we recovered.

I'm so grateful for my community, far and near, who will love and support us through whatever the next six months bring. I'm so grateful for a faithful God, who carries us through moments we could never endure alone and loves us even more deeply through our moments of kicking and screaming. I'm grateful for the hope of Christmas, specifically this Christmas Eve, when Lord-willing, we will celebrate the birth of our Savior Jesus AND the birth of our second baby.

And for you, little lemon-sized baby Genteman-- you destroyer of tastebuds, stretcher of summer clothes and High Commander of Acid Reflux-- I'm grateful for you too. Keep on growing... and please maybe be a boy so I'm less tempted to do this whole thing again.

Kitchen Confessions

1) I am terrified to can/jar/preserve anything. I already know it's time consuming and requires things I've never bought before or don't own and processes I've never attempted. But besides learning Spanish, I can't think of anything else I want to learn to do more than grow things and and learn to turn them into other things that go in mason  jars. I have friends who make incredible, salsa, pickles, jellies and jams and who grow insanely delicious veggies in their yards. I am SO envious and beg one or all of you to kidnap me on the day when you do these things and disciple me.

2) I know you're not supposed to make new recipes when you have guests over... but I do it all the time. This one was a HUGE win. There will be at least one of these present on my thanksgiving table. Probably two, since I think my husband could (and would) slam a whole one by himself in a day. It also helps that my father-in-law has a mini orchard on his acre which contains a bountiful pear tree that provides us with waaaaay too much a good thing. (He is one of those aforementioned people. This summer, he grew a zucchini the size of my daughter when she was a newborn.) So I can always use a pear recipe.

3) I made yogurt in my crockpot this weekend. No lie. It turned out pretty good, for a first time! I've gotten used to eating Greek yogurt though (who AM I?) so the consistency is a little thin for me. I'm going to continue to hone it, but if you're curious, here's the technique I used. (I added two tablespoons of dry milk and let it sit closer to 12 hours, because I was asleep. I also lined a colander with a coffee filter and let it drain to get a thicker consistency.) Violet has been eating it for breakfast, mixed with jam. She likes it and it's WAY cheaper than those yobaby cups I've been getting for her, even though I used organic milk!

I'm out-- I got pears to peel. :)

Chickpea of the Sea

So, apparently you're not supposed to eat more than 5oz of tuna a week.

I don't know when this became a thing, but my husband likes tuna (as do I, it's easy and filling and relatively cheap) but since I don't want anyone in my family to be negatively affected by copious amounts of mercury, I opted to find a good tuna substitute.

And y'all. Did I ever. I was shocked at how good this is! Check it:

Chickpea of the Sea

1 (15oz) can of garbanzo beans (chickpeas)
2 stalks of *celery, finely chopped
2 green onions or about a quarter of a small onion, finely chopped
3ish TBSP of pickle juice or pickle relish
2 TBSP of mayo

Makes 3-4 sandwiches

Rinse beans and smash them in a large bowl with a fork or potato masher.
Add celery, onions, pickles and mayo to beans. Mix together.
Put into a pita or on toasted bread with lettuce and sriacha, if you're into that. I'm not, but I hear it's good on this particular recipe.

There are adaptations to this recipe that include fancier ingredients... but unless you just have plum vinegar and nori seaweed hanging out in your pantry, you may want to stick to this one.

Recipe adapted from TheKitchn.com
Photo from TheKitchn.com

*Celery is one of the dirty dozen-- you might want to opt for organic. It's still pretty cheap.

Mama Must-Haves

Now that I'm at a stage where so many of friends are having kiddos-- and are therefore asking my opinion about various baby gear-- I thought I'd compile it all into one list. So here is my relatively comprehensive list of opinions regarding baby accoutrements. Read it now or bookmark it for later. :)

If you don't see it listed? I either don't have an opinion about it (i.e. pacis-- Violet only ever used the big Soothies. She never loved them, and she only used them for 3 months.), I don't think it's necessary (i.e. wipes warmer), or we never used it (Wubbanubs, Razzberry teethers, etc.).

REGISTERING

I registered at Target, Amazon.com and Babies R Us. I liked the Amazon Registry the best because of the Universal Registry option. Target was good to me too though-- super easy to return things there. I wasn't a fan of Babies R Us-- too many options, too expensive, and there isn't one near our house. I've also heard good things about BuyBuyBaby-- but they didn't build one of those near us until after I had Vi.

NURSING AND FEEDING

First of all, if you are currently feeding or planning to feed a baby in any way, shape or form-- read this. I agree with it wholeheartedly. That being said, at the time this post was compiled, Violet was 14 months old and still nursing roughly twice a day. I feel really blessed to have had such a positive experience with her-- but our experience is entirely our own. Your own experience is between you, your babe and the Lord, and should not be compared to anyone else's. But if you want to talk to me about anything? I'm an open book.

Pump- Medela Pump In Style Advanced (perfect for the working mom). There's nothing worse than a loud pump that doesn't do what it's supposed to-- this one was great for me during the 6 months I worked and afterwards too! I got mine secondhand, from a friend and just got replacement tubing from the hospital. It's still going strong-- but if you have health insurance, check with your provider and see if any pumps are included in your coverage-- many plans do include them and free is the best!


Bottles- We started Vi on the occasional bottle somewhere between 5 & 6 weeks of age. She took to it no problem. We used Tommee Tippee Closer to Nature bottles till she was about 8 months, then switched to Dr. Browns. Wish we'd switched sooner, she seemed to really like the Dr. Browns. And by "really like", I mean, she'd actually shotgun a bottle of milk versus getting distracted by EVERYTHING else in the room.


Nursing Bra- THIS IS SO IMPORTANT!!! A good one will make a huge difference in your nursing "career"-- especially if you end up nursing for a year or longer. My personal advice? Wait a few weeks until your boobs calm down to buy anything expensive. Then get one cheapy (like the B! series by Bravado-- you can find them at Target.) and at LEAST one serious one. For me, it was the Bravado Body Silk Seamless Soft Cup Nursing Bra. (Check around on different websites-- sometimes you can find them in cute colors like red, orange, purple and aqua). Worth every penny.

*Also, just FYI, underwire nursing bras CAN encourage blocked ducts. Not necessarily in everyone, but if I wear one for more than an hour, I'm REALLY uncomfortable. Blocked ducts are AWFUL. So for me, wireless was the only way.

While we're on the subject-- more than likely, you will experience one of the Big Three Nasties of Nursing. (Thrush, Mastitis or Blocked Ducts) If you find yourself dealing with the latter, get to the grocery store immediately and get a head of cabbage*. Peel off two large leaves, channel your inner Ariel and put them on your boobs like a seashell bra. Put your bra on to hold everything in place and just leave the leaves in there till they wilt-- then put new ones on. In the meantime, drink LOTS of water and keep nursing like it's your job. Cabbage leaves have properties that dissolve blockages and have been used for eons to relieve such afflictions. It is AMAZING how well it works.

*If you are desperate and have nothing but a bag of coleslaw in your house, stuff your bra full of slaw. I am serious. It helps. :)

Lansinoh Milk Storage Bags- when freezing milk, lay them down FLAT. They store easier that way once frozen.

TL Care Organic Cotton Nursing Pads- comfy, and way more natural looking in a bra than the paper ones with a seam across the middle. It's really not a pain to wash them. Go green. :)

Sterilizer- between pump parts and bottle parts-- you will need one. We got an Avent microwave steam sterilizer one that we were perfectly happy with. I've used it over a year now and it works great.

Cool Mist Humidifier- I've always heard good things about the Crane brand (and we happened to find one at Target that was an online return, and therefore clearance priced at $15... you just never know. I was told to keep it because it might leak, but I've run it for a year now and it hasn't give me a lick of trouble.) You'll be grateful to have one on those sad nights when your sweet baby is stuffed up and you can't do a thing about it except crank that humidifier and bust out the...

Nosefrida- disgusting in theory? Sure. But it WORKS, y'all. Better than even the hospital bulb syringes. It's exactly what it looks like. If you can convince yourself to trust the filter, it's super easy to use. And through a whole season of snottiness, I never once got anything out of Vi's nose close to my mouth.

A Nursing Stool- what is it, you say? A big help, that's what. This is the one I have. Do NOT pay that much for it. Mine was free. (Hand me down!) I didn't even use it for the first six months because I couldn't figure out what it was for. (Do you sit on it? What?!) No, it's essentially a footstool that raises your lap and takes pressure off your back to make nursing more comfortable. Great idea. I'm sure a cheap one or a DIY one will work just as well. It's not a necessity, but if you find one at a garage sale for $2? Get it.

Nursing Pillow (Boppy, Brest Friend, etc.) I have 2 Boppy's: one for upstairs, one for downstairs. I've used it every day for the past year.

Earth Mama Angel Baby Nipple Butter - Lanolin is good, but I think this is the best balm for hardworking boobs. It's made from natural ingredients, so it's less like a gel and more like a balm. You can also use it for baby's chapped (face) *cheeks and it doubles as lipgloss in a pinch. :)
*For the other cheeks, I recommend Earth Mama Angel Baby Bottom Balm. It's all wholesome ingredients and safe for use with cloth diapers. Speaking of...

DIAPERING

We used (Pampers) disposables (with the wetness indicator) for her first 4 months and then switched to cloth.

Cloth- BumGenius 4.0 and Flip Hybrid
We cloth diaper almost exclusively now-- with exceptions for vacations and for one day a week at Grandma's house. When we don't? I've come to miss it. Every baby is different, but I feel like V and cloth dipes (specifically the BG 4.0's) were just made for each other. In 8 months, she's never blown out of one. I was nervous about all the laundry-- but it's really not a problem at all. And yes, spraying out soiled diapers will never be fun or sexy-- but for the most part, it's also really not a big deal. We have saved SO much money-- plus, the diapers are SO stinkin cute. Even if they do cause us to have to buy her pants a size up sometimes. :) Anyway, I know this isn't the route for everyone, so message me if you want to know more specifics about this.

I use Charlie's Soap to wash the diapers and reuseable eco-dryer sheets to dry the inserts and plain ol' sunshine, whenever possible to dry the covers.

Disposable- Every kid is different. Try whatever you want to figure out what works for you and your budget. We liked Pampers Newborn- Size 2, then Huggies Little Movers after that. (I tried Luvs-- I couldn't deal with the smell. I also tried Up & Up (the Target brand). Two words. Multiple Blowouts. No thanks.)

GEAR

For detailed and extremely helpful advice on this subject, I highly recommend subscribing to Lucie's List. Actually, as soon as you find out you're expecting/adopting, I would do that. :) I found it very helpful.

Carseat & Stroller- We have only ever used Britax products and have been very pleased. First we had the Vigour travel system (which I think has been replaced by the B-Ready system), and now we have the Marathon 70-G3 carseat and are planning to get the B-Agile Stroller.

Carseat Mirror- because when you spend nine months cooking a baby, sometimes you want to look at them while you drive.

Swing v. Bouncer- every kid is different. V could've cared less about our super cool swing, but she LOVED her cheap little Fisher Price bouncer seat. I say, buy one, borrow the other (or borrow both) and then buy whichever one they like better.

Diaper Bag- I LOVE my SkipHop. It was a gift, but I think it's worth shelling out a little extra to get something you really like, since it will be attached to you daily for at least a year or so. Although, once we have 2 kids? I may very well switch to a backpack style-- just for weight distribution purposes.

Monitor- We got the Summer Infant Secure Sight Video Monitor. It works great and you can add additional cameras to it for more kiddos-- but in retrospect, we'd have gotten this Samsung because the screen is much bigger and it's a two-way, so you can talk to them. Out friends have it and it's awesome.

Highchair- we have an Evenflo Modern 200. It wipes (relatively) clean, but in retrospect, since we have such a high dining room table, I think a booster seat would be a better option for us. I have no qualms with this chair though.

Bumbo Seat- This is TOTALLY your call. Your kid might love it. Your kid's legs might be too chubby for it. Your kid might hate it. Your kid might eat it in (if you get the tray attachment, like we did) a few times before transitioning to a big high chair. Is it fun to see them sit up in it for a month or two before they turn into wild wiggle worms? Yes. Do you need one? No. Grab one at a garage sale or craigslist for $10 bucks or less, and then, no matter how you feel about it-- it was $10 bucks. Or less.

EVERYDAY NEEDS

Gerber Birdseye Burp Cloths- Talk about versatility-- these things are the bomb. You can use them for any variety of baby mess-- they are soft and absorbent and bleachable.

Bibs- V was a CRAZY HEAVY DROOLER. For that stage of life, the bibs from this Etsy shop were about the only things that kept her dry. Now that she's only using bibs for eating, I like the Munchkin Crumb Catchers. Easy to wipe off and thin enough to fit behind a high chair tray, unlike the Tommee Tippee Explora-- which are great anytime there's no tray involved (at restaurants, eating in the stroller, traveling, etc.) but kind of obstructive otherwise, in my humble opinion.

Aden & Anais Muslin Swaddle Blankets- Believe the hype and shell out the cash. You won't be sorry. These are great. Especially for summer babies :) Get a four pack and be done. (We got by with 2.)

Halo or Aden & Anais Sleep Sacks-- What a SMART invention. Get two, a snuggly one for winter and a lightweight muslin for summer.

Footie PJ's with ZIPPERS- because babies are squirmy and have no respect for how hard it is to SNAP a squirmy baby into a set of pj's.

Cribs & Bedding- Violet slept in a (borrowed!) bassinet in our room till she was 4-5 months old. We got her crib on Craigslist, and she's still alive. :) My mom made the bedding for it. We used traditional, cloth bumpers, till Vi was like-- a year old. It was fine. Next time around/if I was buying bumpers? I'd probably get these. As far as crib mattresses? Get whatever you think your baby will want to sleep on-- from what I've read, firmer is better-- but it's totally up to you.

Also, get a comfy rocker for your nursery. Any kind you want. Just make sure you're comfy in it, because you might be in it a lot!

Bathtub- we got this one and she's still in it at 14 months. Used it on the bathroom counter when she was little and we use it in the tub now that she's bigger. It was nice when she was little because it helped her sit up, but now that she's bigger, an inflatable tub seems like a great idea. Less restrictive. I've also heard really great things about this seat. I guess if you look at it as an investment to be used by all your future kids, it's probably not a bad idea. But if the price is not your style? A plastic laundry basket may be a better option for you. :) We tried that this weekend-- she loved it.

We use Aveeno Baby Products, specifically their shampoo/wash, lotion, eczema lotion and sunscreen. Vi's skin was sensitive to everything else. California Baby is good too, but it ain't cheap.

We were gifted with the Baby Chef bottle warmer/steamer/blender for warming bottles and making baby food. It's great-- but if you have a magic bullet or something similar-- it works exactly the same way. (Caveat: The Baby Chef does NOT have an auto off feature-- turn that mug off!)

We also love HappyBaby puffs, pouches and yogis.

TOYS

Excersaucer & other Walking Toys/Activity Tables- borrow or craigslist these, you'll save a ton. Resale shops usually have them too. Nothing a little bleach water and sunshine won't fix. :) Violet adored her (secondhand) LeapFrog Table.

Sophie The Giraffe- yes, she's pricey. Yes she's great. But bottom line-- your baby will still get tired of her and drop her on the ground or throw her across the room/car. Violet would rather chew on my phone, my keys, my purse strap, a remote control or anything else she's not allowed to have-- than Sophie. It's just how it is.

Truth be told, I can't really plug for any specific toys. I'm SURE Violet will let us know when she wants something when she's older, but right now? Apart from her activity mat (0-6ish months and her activity table (6-12ish months), she would almost ALWAYS rather play with some household item (measuring cups, tupperware, etc.) or packaging (cardboard boxes, tissue paper, cotton balls, etc.) than a toy. My advice? Accept toys as gifts, but don't buy anything until your kid asks you for it. :) Be creative.

Yo Gabba Gabba- this is not a toy. But it is entertaining. :) It's Violet's favorite show-- for real. And when I need 20 minutes of peace to fix us lunch or vacuum the floor or something-- I'm REALLY glad she has a favorite show that I don't hate. Once you accept the fact that yes, it is an acid-trippy and infuriatingly catchy long-form music video for toddlers? You'll grow to love all 22 minutes of this peppy, practical PSA for preschool politeness. (Except for drawing with Mark. Still not really into that segment.)

***

Phew! That's it! Hope it was more helpful than overwhelming. Bottom line? Don't worry about any of this. Get the basics and figure out the rest when your babe arrives. Get what you want and keep your receipts. If your child hates it, they'll let you know.

If you want to know anything else, you know where to find me. :)

Identity

This is so simple. So sensible. But I forget it more often than I should. Hopefully the reminder will encourage you too.

***

From Pursuing Christ, Creating Art, by Gary Molander
(paraphrased in places, emphasis added.)

Identity is the person you are, regardless of your actions. Take your actions away-- both good and bad-- and whatever is left is your identity. And there's only one identity that has any value--

A child of God.

Every other identity you could grab onto pales in comparison to being, in the deepest part of your heart, a child of God. And so it makes perfect sense that your core identity will also house your strongest temptation-- your greatest lure. When our Enemy attacks, his striking point will always be to our core.

To our identity.

Unfortunately for people in any church ministry, his exact point of strike is the temptation to confuse our ministry with our identity. He wants to make them the same. But they are not the same.

At your lowest, you may find yourself asking "But if I'm no longer a ____, what am I?!"

Here's what I know about you.


You are not your art.

You are not the place where you attend worship gatherings.

Your are not your technical ability.

You are not your voice.

You are not what your authority figures believe about you.

You are not your blog posts, or your readers' insane responses.

You are not your number of Twitter followers or your Facebook friend count.

You are not your impact.

You are not your successes, and you are not your failures.

You are not that thing in your life that didn't work out.

You are not that thing in your life that worked out perfectly.

I also know this about you-- I know that in Christ, you are a child of God. This is your core identity. And I know that your core identity is something that can never be stripped away.

Because there will come a day when you no longer create art.

There will come a day when the software you use is no longer in existence.

There will come a day when you no longer serve in that church building, in that ministry.

There will come a day when he's/she's no longer your boss and they're no longer your board.

There will come a day when you quit blogging, tweeting and updating.

There will even come a day when your impact wanes.

But there will never, ever come a day when you stop being a child of God.

Ever."

Picker's Bundt Cake

When you host community dinners for 15+ people every week, you occasionally wind up with multiple open containers of something you really don't use that often. In this case, it was sour cream.

We had a couple coming for dinner on Friday night. I'd already decided on the main dish, (The one I mentioned in my earlier post. I told you, tried and true!) but I wanted to make dessert too, since we love having a cakey thing in the house to eat with coffee.

I jumped on Pinterest and searched "sour cream cake". Among the first 50 hits was a recipe for Sour Cream Blood Orange Bundt Cake with Cocoa Filling.

Um, okay. Good thing I still have 3 blood oranges from last week's haul in addition to my three open containers of sour cream.

Oh and did I mention that just days before this dinner, I was blessed with a wonderful new, old friend for my kitchen? (You can read the sweet post about her here.)

I was eager for us to embark on our first journey together, and this seemed to be the perfect destination. It was slightly labor intensive, but the end result was...

Yum!!! Todd was so proud. He was like "You took things that were going to get thrown out and made something amazing! You're like-- a picker baker!" A high compliment indeed. :)

This mixer and I are a match made in heaven. I love you, KB. :) Thanks for the pics!

Local Harvest: Week 3 Haul

We got a bunch of weird stuff this week.

Sunchokes? Tatsoi, anyone? How about white sweet potatoes? What the heck? This week I learned that just because you don't know something exists doesn't mean it's not delicious. Also included in this week's box was a small bottle of raw honey, a scoop of organic (unpopped) popcorn, (I'm still a little nervous about this... I've never made non-microwavable popcorn before.), a pound of ground turkey, a bag of endive, spinach, a wedge of tomato basil jack cheese, six carrots, a spring onion, five blood oranges, two heads of garlic, one chinese cabbage, a turnip, and an acorn squash. In a pear tree.

I was happy to see the oranges since I've been feeling a need for extra vitamin C as of late. But there were a LOT of greens this week. And unless there's some hearty meat and potatoes alongside it, Todd isn't crazy about salads in the winter. But fortunately, we were having people over for dinner on Tuesday.

I was in the kitchen a good part of the day on Tuesday. I washed lots of salad greens (endive, spinach, tatsoi and the last of the minutina from last week) and prepped the remaining half of last week's butternut squash for my favorite winter salad. Then I threw together the ingredients for a tried and true crock pot meal together at 10AM... only to look back at the pot an hour and a half later and notice that the chicken was still frozen. Stupid dysfunctional electrical outlet! Fortunately, there was still plenty of time for it to cook, but I was in the middle of rescuing our near catastrophic dessert item when I noticed the cold crock pot, so I felt extra stressed out.

Shortly after the dessert rescue, Todd texted me to say that the family who was coming for dinner was sick and would not in fact be coming.

Awesome.

I texted him back. "Well, find somebody else we need to have dinner with. This is not a meal for two!"

I pressed on.

The dessert was a cheesecake. THE cheesecake, really. The recipe was borrowed from Todd's cousin and stands as his favorite dessert of all time. As a final 30th birthday gift, I was hoping to do it justice-- and then, right after pouring the creamy first layer onto the homemade graham cracker crust and placing it into the oven-- I realized I hadn't put any eggs in it.

Mama said there'd be days like this.

And that's exactly who I called. She told me to scrape it out, nevermind whatever graham cracker bits refused to detach, whisk the eggs, pour it all back in the mixer and mix it up. So I did. Then I made a bit more crust, covered the holes and poured the now slightly crunchier first layer back onto the crust. And into the oven it went. 45 minutes + some cooling time later, I added a second layer, cooked it a bit longer and then into the fridge it went to cool.

Todd found another couple to come to dinner. The salad was bright and savory. The chicken and biscuits were warm and comforting. And the cheesecake? No one had a clue that I almost destroyed it. It was perfect. The bearded birthday boy was pleased. :)

We're taking a couple of weeks off from Local Harvest (traveling and birthdays mean less cooking at home) and starting February 11th we'll be sharing our share, which means we'll only get a haul every other week. Still, I'll try to keep you abreast of the cooking/baking adventures... and I'll also try to get better at taking pictures of my food. :)

FYI- white sweet potatoes are just as good at orange ones, tatsoi makes a very pretty salad and sunchokes can be chopped roughly and added to any stew-- they taste like potatoes. I did the same with the turnips. Perhaps not very adventurous, but let's be honest. Ain't nobody got time for that. Not this week, anyway. When in doubt? Slow cook it.