I wonder if she remembers me

The last night I had with my sweet E in the hospital was the hardest of them all. It's the night I said my goodbyes to her, and is painful to recall. I told her how I loved her more than she would ever know. I begged her not to forget me and somehow love me more. I sang to her and told her of her individual worth. I cried as I looked into her tiny brown eyes, overwhelmed by the miracle of her birth. I asked her to forgive me and to be the best that she could be. I tried to explain my reasoning and prayed that she would see.

I held her tight and cried as only birth moms do. I watched the minutes and hours pass and I knew the night's end would soon ensue.

How could I ever let her go? My time with her was over, how could it possibly be so?

I somehow called the nurse to take E back to her warm bed. I kissed my baby girl as my tears spilled on her head. All too soon the nurse arrived and stood there patiently as she realized my painful glow. How could I ever let my baby go?

I found the feeble strength to stand and gently placed her in the nurse's hands. As I stood there trying to be calm, the nurse hugged me with my angel in her arms. I sunk into her grasp and cried, trying to ignore my shame. She probably didn't even know my name. Her words aroused so much regret, "Don't let this ruin you- You have so much ahead." She held my hand and looked me in the eyes, full of compassion and respect. I thanked her and slowly kissed my tiny girl's sweet sleeping face, not sure what to do next. 

I lifted my head and walked away, forever changed and spent. I knew this would be the hardest part, but somehow I'd survived. I could make it through the rest, no matter what that meant.

As days and months have somehow passed, I've held that night in high esteem; it meant more to me than anyone could dream. I wonder if that nurse went home and hugged her children tight. I wonder if she thanked God for her presence in their lives. I wonder if she taught them of the pain bad choices can ignite. But most of all I wonder if she remembers the girl she saved that night.

Update

If you didn’t know, I have a couple blogs. One for day to day happenings & then this adoption centered one. I am tired of updating both & am ready to share my birth mother experiences with all the people I share everything else with, so I will usually only be updating that one from now on.

I will leave this adoption blog up, but if you would like to to read future updates, go ahead and follow my blog here (http://scottandjanessa.blogspot.com/).

I had a wonderful Birthmother’s Day & I hope all of you awesome birth moms did too. Read about my day here.

A Spring Visit

A few weeks ago, E & her family drove 10 hours to come visit my family and I for the weekend! They stayed at my parent’s home and I also took a day off from work to be with them. It was so nice to spend 3 whole days together! I was able to get to know all of them better & see how quick E & her sister are growing up!

 

E is hilarious. She absolutely has a ‘life of the party’ mentality. She loves making everyone laugh (and does a great job at it!) and making funny faces for the camera!

 

When I first saw her, she was pretty shy towards me, although her mom had been letting me know how excited she was to see ‘uhnessa’. She warmed up to my family right away, but after a few hours, she felt comfortable with me and kept giving me hugs and wanted to play. We even got to have a sleepover one night with her sister as well. It was fun & E was such a sweetie.

 

E absolutely has a mind of her own now and does what she wants (as much as her mom will let her of course)! She doesn’t seem to be afraid of anything. We all got to go swimming at the local rec center and she swam for hours, enjoying every second. She is definitely a water baby!

 

As E gets older & more personable she really reminds me of the birth father. He was always the jokester and the one doing crazy, random things. He was very fun loving at times. I know he would love little E. It makes me sad for him that he doesn’t get to see what his daughter is like. I have had a few dreams about him lately, which always seems to happen much more frequently around visits.

It makes me wonder how he is doing. I hope he gets his act together and can someday be a part of her life. I don’t know if I’ve ever truly hoped for that before, but now I do. I don’t want him in my life, but I think she could someday love having him in hers.

But all that just makes me more grateful that I get to spend quality time with her and that she knows how much I love her. My family is an extension of her family and that is amazing in itself. We all fit together well and I know I am so blessed to enjoy that, since many birth moms have much different experiences. I am so grateful that E’s family makes an effort to spend time with me & that my parent’s help make it possible as well.

 

I LOVE ADOPTION! (& this cute little lady)

Adoption Scrapbook

Today I thought I would share with you the adoption book that I made for my baby girl. And for me, really. We both have a copy. I made color copies of every page & we both have a mix of the originals.

 

Making this scrapbook was absolute therapy for me. Throughout my pregnancy and especially after placement, I invested lots of thought & time into these pages. I spent hours finding the perfect paper & stickers at every scrapbook store in town. I developed photo after photo & emotionally placed the photos on each page. It gave me something to do. Some days I would take hours completing just one page, when usually I can finish a page in 30 minutes or less.

After I had E, I took only a couple weeks off of work. And, this is what I did, everyday. When I ran out of photos, I knew it was time to go back to work. As E’s mom sent me more photos, I would make more pages. I looked at this book every night before going to bed, for weeks after placement. It was my comfort. I memorized each photo and each page.

 

I added in pages of my pregnancy & even our “face to face” visits.

Once E was born, I made dozens of pages with photos of us & our time in the hospital together.

I made sure to add pages showing E’s placement & the first time she met her family.

 

My favorite part of the book are the pages from each of my siblings & parents. There is an envelope on each page with a letter from them. They are so sweet. I read them over and over during the months after placement.

There are also pages (that included a photo & short letter) from different members of my extended family; My Grandma, Cousins, Aunts & Uncles. This was really to give E an idea of where I come from & therefore where she comes from. Each letter professes their love for E & a girl can never have too much love in her life!

 

A few pages were dedicated to the friends that helped me the most throughout my journey. They wrote letters to her as well & let her know a little bit about their good experiences with P, if they knew him. I think she will enjoy reading about him someday.

 

I added a couple pages of photos of the birth father & his family. Since we weren’t in contact, there were no letters to be added, just the photos I could find of them. When E showed me those pages last time I visited, she quickly skipped over them because “he looks scary!” Sad, but true.

The back of the book has a pocket that I have saved lots of cards & notes in.

Every time I make a new page, I mail it to her to add to her book. I make them after visits sometimes. Which reminds me…I have a few I need to make!

 

Last time I visited her, E showed me her ‘adoption book’ & was so animated. I know her mother has made it a part of their lives & because of that, it is something E is proud of & loves. Which makes me so happy! I love that her sister has one from her birthmother as well.

 

As for my thoughts & feelings for E throughout my journey, I have been keeping a journal for (her name is censored out for you). I collaged this pink little journal & will give it to her someday. Not sure when, but I think I will know when the time is right.

For now, she can enjoy the photos & memories. :)

Sunshine in my soul

Lately I have been feeling like crap (Simply put).

I’ve felt like nothing I was doing mattered and that very few people truly cared about me. Of course, my family and my friends love me, but I just felt like I wasn’t really that important to anyone. Out of sight out of mind, kinda thing.

I’ve felt like I don’t do anything that matters to anyone besides me, or even my husband. Sometimes you just get stuck in the rut of daily life and think that all your life is about is going to work and paying the bills.

Sometimes I wonder if anyone even thinks about me or cares (besides my husband, who is constantly reminding me how great I am…love him for that!).

But, I do know some people that think of me often and truly love me for me; E & her family.

So, I decided I really needed a break from life and a chance to go spend time with them! I tried getting some people to go with me with no luck (making me feel even worse), so I just went by myself while my husband was out of town.

I drove the 11 hours to their home and was so happy to see them! It was such a breath of fresh air when E & her sister were so excited to see me and show me all the different things they loved doing.

While I was there, I realized it was actually a blessing that I was able to go on the trip alone. I have never had that much alone time with E & her family. I really got to know them better and enjoy the stages that both the girls were at in their young lives.

E is truly understanding that I am her birth mother and that she was in my stomach. She mentioned it a few times and kept asking if I had my own daughter yet. SO cute! She totally understands the basic concepts of a family and knew that Scott & I would have our own children. I know her parents have taught her well and been very honest with her. She even showed me the adoption book I made her and we looked through it together.

I also loved getting to know M (E’s older sister) better. Unfortunately, her relationship with her birthmother is not very open right now and she hasn’t had any visits since birth. She really wishes she could see her and was so sweet about it. She mentioned something like “I haven’t even met her but I still miss her.” If only her birthmother could hear that! I wish I could meet her as well, since I feel like we are connected in a special way.

This trip really rejuvenated me and I have been missing their family ever since!

It is amazing the difference feeling loved can do for you. After visiting I felt like I had worth and that the things I do and have done really do make a difference. When I am down I can remember that 4 years ago I made the wonderful choice of adoption, which is something I can always be proud of.

 

                           This photo of E was taken this summer (by her mom) while she was in Sweden.

Baby Loss

Last Thursday we were enjoying delicious grilled kabobs, sitting around a table with 5 of our friends. The guys were happily reminiscing of younger days, then the conversation drifted to the future. Shelley & Trevor talked about what they were debating on naming their child, whom Shelley was currently 9 months and 1 week pregnant with. We had a great night together, enjoying the beautiful view from their deck. Before we left we wished Shelly luck with her delivery, which we hoped would be soon.

Fast forward a few days to when we received a text from Trevor stating that Shelley had given birth to their baby boy, Luke, but that he didn't make it. Shock vibrated through my body and chills ran up my spine. "But we just saw them on Thursday, how could this happen?!" I cried for the pain and heartache I knew they had been through and would continue to experience. "It has been a crazy hard weekend and I hate to have to tell you this", his text said. I can only imagine.

The past few days I have just been sick about their loss & trying to understand it. I sent a message to my dear friend Tara who recently lost her baby boy, Kaden, asking for advice on what we could possibly do to show our love for them. She sent me to this website and told me about a couple books I could give Shelley, that had helped her in her loss. I found a beautiful card to give her & Tara let me know that just knowing that people cared was what helped her the most. 

We went to the funeral for little Luke today. I was dreading it, but now I am really glad that we were able to go and be a support for our friends. I am amazed at the strength of Shelley and Trevor. They both spoke & Trevor read aloud the journal entry he wrote after all the events took place. It was so real and raw and courageous. The baby’s umbilical cord had actually been tied in a complete knot and Luke was still-born. The night that we were at their home, Shelley was already worrying since she hadn’t felt the baby kick in quite awhile. And the next day they got the horrible news.

Shelley also spoke at the funeral about the experience. But instead of focusing on details, she focused on how she has been able to get through the pain. Her testimony and faith in the Lord is amazing. If anyone can make it through this trial, it is her. I know that God never gives you more than you can handle and I believe this even more when I look at her. Strong women are given the strongest trials, because they can overcome. 

I will never forget watching them walk out of the chapel; Trevor holding his baby boy’s casket and Shelley holding the flower arrangement that was on top. They are infinitely stronger as a couple because of their loss. 

I guess I don’t know why I am sharing all this, except for the fact that I just can’t stop thinking about it. My heart aches for them. I have experienced similar grief while placing E and it is such a tender situation. I have heard a few birth moms say that at times they almost wish their child had died instead of them going through the process of placing the child for adoption. At least then the baby is still yours and not eternally sealed to another family. I felt this a few times when all the pain was still so fresh. But I know that is just grief talking. No parent should have to miss out on seeing what their child’s smile looks like or holding their baby’s warm body in their arms, if only for a few minutes.

I pray for my friends and all those that have lost children, at any stage of pregnancy or life. I know the pain will never be completely gone & that Luke will always be a part of their lives. I am grateful, now more than ever, to know that families can be together forever & that we will all be reunited with our loved ones someday.

After seeing our friends lose a baby, I realize we really are grown-ups now. And its not very fun.

Trevor and Shelley on their wedding day

Isn’t she lovely?

I got this letter in the mail awhile ago for my birthday.

E dictated to her mother what she wanted my birthday card to say.

 

In case you can’t read it, it says;

Happy Birthday Janessa,

You love everyone – parents and children. Happy Birthday to you, two cakes. You got married to Scott last year. And you love me Janessa, you do. I was in your stomach. Cause you love me, cause you love me. Happy Birthday to you. You love me – you didn’t get scared. Happy Birthday. to you. To Janessa. And I do love Janessa. You do love Scott.

                                                                Love, E.

 

This letter is beyond precious to me! I absolutely love it and tear up every time I read it. Not just because it is adorable and perfect, but because it shows me that she understands my choice & her adoption, as much as her almost 4-year-old brain can.

Because this letter means so much to me, I hesitated to share it. But I want expectant mothers and fresh birthmothers to see the hope. I have dreamed of my relationship being this great, and my daughter knowing that I love her, soo many times. To see that my hopes are actually realities now is so amazing to me.

She also made me a necklace with lots of cute colored beads on it, which I love and is hanging on my fridge, next to this letter.   ---->

 

 

Isn’t she lovely?

Traveling

I was looking through some photos of E that her mom took and found these treasures.

Here’s what her mom had to say:

“She was so cute with her little bag. As soon as we came to an escalator, she stopped and put the backpack on, and as soon as we were done, she started pulling it again.

She traveled like a pro. She knew exactly how to buckle the seat belt and play with the window. For days after wards she said how fun it was to fly on an airplane.”

 

These were taken last June (wow, a year ago already) when they came to visit Utah. She is just so cute and I miss her tons! She has the greatest personality.

Right now she is on her way to Sweden with her mother and sister for the summer. I am excited for her to spend time with her cousins there and also to meet her Grandpa. She will turn 4 while she is there!

Wow, I can’t believe it has been 4 years…

…But, at the same time I can. I have changed so incredibly much since E was born. I try to remember those days and the days leading up to her birth often. I hate that memories fade. I guess that is why I have journals and photos, but it still doesn’t entirely take me back to that reality. I cherish the time I was pregnant and the days I had with her in the hospital. She is just so special. There’s really no other way to describe her. Everything about her is special and I hope that as she grows up and meets more of this harsh world that she remembers that.

Have a happy summer E, travelling the world with your little pink carry-on.

Stronger

“Woke up late today and I still feel the sting of the pain
But I brushed my teeth anyway
I got dressed through the mess and put a smile on my face
I got a little bit stronger

Riding in the car to work and I'm trying to ignore the hurt
So I turned on the radio, stupid song made me think of you
I listened to it for minute but I changed it
I'm getting a little bit stronger, just a little bit stronger

And I'm done hoping that we could work it out
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around
And, oh, I'm done thinking that you could ever change

I know my heart will never be the same
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay
Even on my weakest days
I get a little bit stronger

Doesn't happen overnight but you turn around
And a month's gone by and you realize you haven't cried
I'm not giving you a hour or a second or another minute longer
I'm busy getting stronger

And I'm done hoping that we can work it out
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around
And, oh, I'm done thinking, that you could ever change

I know my heart will never be the same
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay
Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger
I get a little bit stronger

Getting along without you, baby
I'm better off without you, baby
How does it feel without me, baby?
I'm getting stronger without you, baby

And I'm done hoping we could work it out
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around
And, oh, I'm done thinking that you could ever change

I know my heart will never be the same
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay
Even on my weakest days
I get a little bit stronger
I get a little bit stronger
Just a little bit stronger
A little bit, a little bit, a little bit stronger
I get a little bit stronger”

I love this song lately. It has perfect lyrics for how I felt after I left P. It was the second hardest thing I have ever done and I couldn’t have done it alone. I felt so weak, but I got stronger, every day. If only just a little bit.

Wonder

I wonder a lot.

I wonder what P is doing. I wonder if he thinks about me and our baby. I wonder if he cares. Does the topic ever come up in his family? Or does he just avoid it like he avoided any talk about his past relationships. He was supposedly engaged before we met and he would never even tell me her name. I wonder if he hurts. I wonder if he is doing better. I wonder if his family thinks about E. I wonder if they hate me as much as I think they do. Or if they even care? I really wonder if E will want P to be a part of her life. I worry that he will hurt her. Basically, I just wonder about a lot of things.

But, I don’t think I really want to know the answer to these questions. I think it will just create more pain and more unanswered questions.

It is strange to enjoy such an open relationship with E and her family, all the while P is totally shutoff and out of the picture. I am sad that he is missing out on the life of this beautiful little girl. She is so great and he doesn’t even know it. He would love her, I know it. And maybe he already does, in his own way. Again, I wonder…

I haven’t had any dreams about P for a long time. I used to have them all the time. Especially while I was pregnant. Some were vivid nightmares, while some were emotionally, sometimes romantically, intense situations I was placed in with him. A few times he begged me to take him back. I feel proud that at least in my dreams I have never gone back to him.

I know that a part of me wanted him to do all he could to be in our child’s life, even if it meant barging into the hospital demanding to see E. If only to know that he cared. Of course, I am very grateful that he didn’t try to stop the adoption and that E is happy and safe. I am in a very good place emotionally and physically. My life is good and I am enjoying everyday and looking forward to the future. I hope and pray that P has a similar situation…but for now I will just have to wonder.