We Wish You The Merriest, The Merriest

Wishing You a Yuletide Full of Much Jolliness and Festivity

Tyler and I have a joint goal. Collectively, we like to post 10 times each month. At the beginning of the year, we met this quota with meaty entries. Now Tyler pulls the bulk of the weight with videos, and I chime in with a one liner every week or so. But I'm not sorry. You know why?

I WAS READY FOR CHRISTMAS LAST SATURDAY.

This is incredible and a miracle akin to the immaculate conception (how's that for a holiday allusion?). I've never been ready so early. Usually I wrap the last gift at midnight, Christmas Eve, which is technically after the festivities begin. The downside of this is that I am SO ready for Christmas to begin, as it was scheduled to arrive when I was ready for Christmas--last Saturday, Laura Standard Time. The upside of this? I AM SO READY FOR CHRISTMAS TO BEGIN!!!!! (yes all of these exclamation points are necessary, because what's more worthy of exclame than Christmas?)!!!!!!!!!!!

Talmage is asking for dot art for Christmas. Dot art is the name I made up for Perler Beads, the craft sensation Talmage saw at his Washington cousins' house. Talmage saw them at Micheals and asked for them. I pulled an old classic "Maybe you should ask for those at Christmas." Now so you understand, I heard this refrain from my own dear mother roughly 1,076 times each year from June 25 to December 25. "Mom, can I have a piece of gum?" I'd try. "Maybe you should ask for one for Christmas." "Mom, can I have a drink of water?" Maybe you should ask for one for Christmas." "Mom, what are we having for dinner tonight?" "Maybe you should ask for one for Christmas." The other half of the year (December 26 to June 24) was the build up to my birthday, and so I heard another 1,076 times "Maybe you should ask for that for your birthday." You get the picture.

I never felt pacified by this response, so I don't know why I felt like saying that to my son was a solution, except maybe I knew somewhere intuitively underneath because Talmage took my response literally. "Okay," he said. And from then on, those Perler Beads are what he was asking for for Christmas. Only I didn't realize how important those beads and his childlike naivete were to him until we were on our way to talk to Santa and he adorably turned to me and said, "What are those called that I want for Christmas?" I hadn't bothered to remember, so I scrambled and came up with Dot Art.

We went to see Santa at the Gateway Mall, just downstairs from the Children's Museum, a venue we regularly attend. I glimpsed the red suit on the bottom floor and asked Talmage, "Do you want to go see Santa?" "Talmage got a big grin on his face and we made our way down. I don't know if Santa was on a break or what, but we were the only people there. "We'd like to see Santa," I said brightly. "All right, come here kid," Santa replied. KID. That's what he called him. Talmage sat on his lap and told him confidently that he wanted Dot Art. "Dot Art?" Santa sneered. "What's that?" I don't know how you feel about it, but somewhere in Santa Claus training, it should be noted that you don't ask a nervous four-year-old to explain their gift. After Talmage did his best, Santa unceremoniously plopped him on the ground and sent him on his way. "Hey wait!" he called him back. He waved a broken candy cane in his direction which Talmage shyly accepted and ran back to me.

"Was that the REAL Santa Claus?" Talmage asked me. "No," I frankly replied. "That was one of his helpers." Judge me if you want, but I wasn't having a Santa so lacking in jolliness and festivity becoming Talmage's iconic vision of Santa.

But I'll tell you what is filled with jolliness and festivity. The "Where's My Stuff" button on amazon.com. I did all of my Christmas shopping online this year and Amazon provided me with the option of watching every step of the UPS shipping journey across the country. December 10, 08:03:00 PM, the Perler Beads were in Doraville, Georgia. December 11, 07:25:00 AM, the Perler Beads arrived in Nashville, Tennesee. By 01:42:00 PM, they had made their way to Louisville, Kentucky. And after stops in Indianapolis, Indiana; Hodgkins, Illinois; and Commerce City, Colorado, Christmas arrived on Nana's front door step on December 17 at 10:19:00 AM. I tell you what, I checked the progress of that delivery 17 times on its way. It was just like the North American Aerospace's Defense Command's Santa Tracker which uses "four high-tech systems to track Santa – radar, satellites, Santa Cams and fighter jets" who get to fly "alongside Santa and his famous reindeer: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen and, of course, Rudolph" and broadcast Santa's exact whereabouts at all times for children watching on the internet.



And I'll tell you who those fighter jets will be flying alongside this year: the ultimate icon in Perler Bead cheer.



Maybe you should ask for one for Christmas.

What I Learned From Watching the BBC Production of Planet Earth

Nature is creepy.

Wonderful!! Counselor!!!! (I've been giggling about this for 24 hours)

Me: What are you guys doing tonight?

Sean: Well, the local production of The Messiah is tonight.

Me: That sounds fun and festive.

Sean: Yeah, but I'm not sure it's a production this year. I think it's more of a
sing-a-long.

Me: (Pause.) It's the Roosevelt, Utah community sing-a-long to Handel's Messiah?

Sean: THE PRIIIIINCE OF PEEEEEAAAACE!

Why I'm a Much Better Uncle Than Clark

Brothers

You Know What Christmas Carol Baffles Me?

I Saw Three Ships Come Sailing In. Is that Christmas in Seattle? Is Columbus coming to town? I don't get it.

But I sure like Sting's version of it. Or maybe I just like Sting.

So I Guess This Is My Fault For Not Really Watching TV, But

Who on earth are the Kardashians? And why should I know about them?

Right Back to the Top of My Santa Wish List

And Tyler said they only live in the zoo.

Turkey Bowl

Sledding