I painted 5 rooms in my house in the last week. Turns out, it was a sort of therapy. You know, changing what you can and letting go of what you can't and all that jazz. I finished yesterday (thanks to my kids who all loved painting...especially two year old darling...) and felt happy and light, as if I had made some new discover about myself, and maybe I did. I didn't try to put my room together until tonight. For the last four nights, I've slept on my little girl's floor since several rooms were dismantled. Tonight, I was going to sleep in my own bed. I put together a bookshelf and was well on my way to finding my bed, until...



Funny how something so small can take the wind out of my sail. Part of me is in shock. Part of me doesn't care. And I'm a bit sad and tired. So I quit. Sometimes we try to help or do something good, only to have the help or good backfire or hinder. And as irritating or discouraging as it is, Jeffrey Holland had this to say

"If for a while the harder you try, the harder it gets, take heart. So it has been with the best people who ever lived."

So I am going to bed, or floor, for one more night and hope that tomorrow will be more successful than tonight.  And maybe I'll ask Seth to buy me a new bookshelf on his way home from the airport.

The Lesson

Sometimes you don't want to do what you are supposed to do. The dishes, the folding, the homework, go to bed. Sometimes, you don't want to do what you are asked to do. Teach, volunteer...best be careful of what I list there. It's not that we don't want to do good things. But.... Sometimes you don't want to do what you must do. You must because it was thrust on you.

Carol Lynn Pearson wrote a book called The Lesson. It's a terribly accurate story of a child growing through the years as he answers his math problems. Sometimes, it is easy. Sometimes, it is hard and he hides under the desk. Sometimes, he cries. He doesn't want to do what he is supposed to do, asked to do, must do. But he does it. What other option is there?

I was given a problem to solve some time ago. I realized this week, the problem is not what I thought it was. I thought the word problem read something like this:  If someone you love and have had great hopes and general respect for cuts you out, how long will it be until they forgive you and love you again?

The real word problem is more like this:  If a portion of the paradigm which formed your view of the world and people disintegrates, what are you going to do to stay upright while you regain your balance during the confusion? And if the confusion never abates, what will you do with the hole left? Will you abandon the entire foundation? If you choose to rebuild, what materials or ideals will you use and how will you construct them?  Who will you hurt in the process and how will you help them heal in the aftermath?  How many degrees will your perception shift in 1 year, 5 years, 7 years? Is it going to be okay.

I don't want this problem.








So sometimes I have to look at this, over and over. To remind me,  it doesn't have to be over. There must be another way to build, a sure foundation that will not rock, crumble, surprise me, or make me cry in the night.

On Thursday, I read this in 2 Corinthians 4 in the Bible:

 8 We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; 9 Persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down, but not destroyed;

Dallin H Oaks posted the following on facebook. I can't believe I'm referencing a facebook post, but it was so very timely for me.

We live in challenging times. Values and standards honored for thousands of years are now being denied or cast aside. Selfishness is replacing service. Evil is being called good, and good is being called evil.

Though men’s hearts are failing them, you should take heart. There have always been challenging times. We, the generations of your predecessors, have survived daunting challenges, and so will you. The answer to all of these challenges is the same as it has always been.

We have a Savior, and He has taught us what we should do. At the conclusion of His earthly ministry He declared: “These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world” (John 16:33).
What overcomes the world is the power of God, manifested through His Son, Jesus Christ, and given to us through the principles and doctrine of the restored gospel of Jesus Christ.

In the stressful circumstances that surround us, we must trust in God and His promises and hold fast to the vital gospel teaching of hope. As the Apostle Paul told the Corinthians: “We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down, but not destroyed” (2 Corinthians 4:8–9).

When we trust in the Lord that all will work out, this hope keeps us moving. Hope is a characteristic Christian virtue. I know it will counter all current despairs.

When you feel down, put faith and hope to work in your lives. While others may abandon progress, you of faith should hope on and press on with your education, your lives, and your families. As the Lord said to our early Church members, “Fear not, little flock; do good; let earth and hell combine against you, for if ye are built upon my rock, they cannot prevail” (D&C 6:34).

Know it all

Sometimes we think we have to understand something or someone in order to accept or love them.  When I look at quilts or dresses, I occasionally get caught up in decoding how it was made. So overcome by my need to know, I forget to just appreciate and let myself enjoy what I am seeing or hearing.  Do you do that?  Do you forget to enjoy the beauty of the world around you because you caught up in a how/what/why question? Do you forget to love the people around you because you don't understand why they do/speak/behave as they do?  Can we see past our limited mental capacity and just let ourselves love the roses for blooming? The grass for growing in spite of the weeds? The two year old in all her moments of crying, begging, whining, singing, dancing, spilling?

Is it possible to find a happier, more patient life by just absorbing the goodness around us? I don't have to know how everything works to appreciate it's function. I don't have to understand everything about a person in order to love them. In fact, I know them better when I let myself really hear and see them. That allows me to love them more, even better, and creates a cycle of accepting and loving.

Sometimes I just watch Seth be a father. As I think back on the last more than 16 years of my life, I see how little I knew of him when I married him. I didn't know how devoted he was, how playful, and dedicated. I didn't see his courage or enjoy his protections to the extent I do now. He was fantastic when I met him, but to compare the younger him with the man I  know now he is astonishing. He is more in every way and I constantly stand in awe of him. How did I get so lucky?

A caution for us all, or at least me, is echoing here. While learning, discerning, understanding is admirable and even desirable, it is not the end. Once in a while, especially concerning people and most importantly my family, take time to just revel in the glory and joy of being with them. Listen to their stories, laugh at their jokes, treasure their interests. Look past the mechanics, the patterns, the wiring, the futures, the what ifs, and appreciate the whole product, the wonder of it all.

Is that part of real unconditional love?

we took all these pictures last summer

Through new eyes

As we drove to school yesterday, John exclaimed over the snowflakes. We could see the individual flakes on the car window. And they were perfect. Sometimes it is shocking to see that a snowflake really is a snowflake shape. Often, I get so wrapped up in the whole, I forget the astounding glory of the individual.  Perhaps I notice the irregularity of the giant snow-cluster falling from the sky, I forget it is made of small, perfect, unique pieces. Or perhaps, I see the shovels full of snow and forget how individual each flake is and how it contributes to the blind white wholeness of a world covered in snow.  This is an opportunity to remember to see the good, small details of life, of others, that really shape my world for good and color it beautifully.

We snapped this picture at the beginning of winter after Lily pointed out the clear shape of the snowflakes.

Twice yesterday, two different, unrelated people went out of their way to tell me of the glory of John. It is so easy to overlook or only criticize our people. Rather than focusing on the perceived problems or irritations, those are subjective for the most part anyway, why not focus on the individual characteristic that shape personalities and bring joy to life.  

Thank you, Lily and John, for reminding me to appreciate the finer details, and to Christy and Andrea for reminding how fantastic John is and to recognize the goodness of my people.

We love this.

We smile and laugh and dance. Thank you to the people who made this possible and to the hero who acted boldly and cheerfully his part.

Cinderella

My big girls are growing up. They love the newest Cinderella movie. The movie is full of color, wisdom, and great dresses. Who doesn't love a great dress?  Check out this skirt. Yards and yards of fabrics. It's fantastic.

We watched this tonight and I was struck by a few things.
Naturally, the phrase "Have courage and be kind" should be noted. It is the theme of the story. But there were more subtle and quiet themes riding on the skirt of the big theme. They are most notable during the final scenes of the film.

First, the stepmother's backstory.

She illuminates the source of her bitterness. Lost love. There really were only two choices for her at that point: carry on loving or wallow in bitterness and anger. Interesting, that Cinderella provides such a striking contrast when facing a similar loss.  The stepmother declares "Love is not free." What kind of love is she talking about? Unconditional love requires you to give nothing to receive it. But a selfish "love", if you can call it such, would require a heavy price indeed to collect or "give", as the term would be loosely applied. It demands, cajoles, fakes, manipulates, and never fills. A person who embodies such demands would never be able to honestly answer the questions Cinderella asks, "Why? Why are you so cruel?" A door in the face, a hung up phone, the turn of a back are the only options after dismissing the truth. What might the truth be? Could it be fear to love and lose again? Grief? Making oneself vulnerable to pain and loss? Fear of failure? Rejections?  Are they not all forms of loss of security and certainty? Fear of what could be? Fear of what was?

Second, while Cinderella is locked in her attic room, the narrator says her spirit is not broken. Years of abuse, and her spirit is not broken because she held safely in her heart the memories of what love really looks like: Courage and Kindness. She was not buried by her grief. She continued to find joy in the beauty of the world. She chose kindness in little ways that buoyed her up. (mice, little ways)  She knew who she was. She was not a wretch as her stepmother told her, but a simple country girl as she describes herself. She finds no shame in herself. She accepts her faults and admits her strengths, but extends her protection beyond herself, even risking herself, to others. She embodies unconditional love...you know, the free kind with no strings.


Third, and perhaps most healing of all, Cinderella openly forgives and promptly forgets her stepmother.  It does not seem the memories of those difficult years haunted the new queen. She seems to have released all the hurt, worry, and grief the stepmother caused in a few simple words.  "I forgive you."  

It's all fiction, but if ever there were a fictional character who could teach me a better way, she would be Cinderella.  Perhaps, choosing courage and kindness has more depth than would be thought. Perhaps, it's just as simple as it sounds. Kindness requires courage, forgiveness, and love. Courage is not a gift or a talent. It is a choice. Maybe choosing courage for kindness is a worthy pursuit, a happier way. Maybe I choose courage and kindness.

Silver lining

I actually took this picture in my backyard.

A mild storm rolled across my path last night, but it wasn't alone. Behind it rolled a terrible storm. I struggled as I went about my day doing all the normal things.  I am surprised to look back on the day and see silver linings. The Lord knew I needed two people today. He sent them each in their own time and way. Isn't it perfectly lovely when the light shines through the dark clouds illuminating the path you would not see alone?