Aging and the Mind-Body Disconnect
Back in April I wrote about the mind-body disconnect I see in both Mom and myself. This is the unrealistic expectations we have when our minds are convinced we can do what we’ve always done, but our bodies refuse to cooperate – or complain loudly when we push them.
The Rev. Amy Ziettlow, COO of Hospice of Baton Rouge, wrote an article for the Huffington Post about the same topic. In her hospital work she regularly encounters people who think they can do more than their bodies are capable of. And the result is an increased fall risk. She lists a set of criteria they use to assess fall risk. I see many of these criteria in Mom, and understand why I'm always on the alert when I'm with her. It’s a useful list as you evaluate your parents -- or yourself.
How do you cope with your own body/mind disconnect? How do you act your age, or help your aging parent to act his or her age? I'd love some new ideas. The old ones aren’t working…
Labels: aging, fall risk, mind/body
Thursday, May 26, 2011
The Upside of Downsizing: 50 Ways to Create a Cozy Life
Are you struggling with the accumulation of “stuff” in your life? If you’re a GenSandwicher, chances are, your garage runneth over. And your storage unit. And your attic. And your calendar. And your file cabinet. And your responsibilities.
My friend, Karen O’Connor has written a cute little book just for us. The Upside of Downsizing: 50 Ways to Create a Cozy Life stands only 5 inches high by 4 ¾ inches wide and features 50 short chapters of helpful hints to help those of us over 50 to embrace this new and often perplexing stage of life. Some of the hints are familiar, but others caused me to stop and ponder. Each chapter includes a gentle challenge: “Why not…. (try something new)?”
Karen covers both the practical and the inspirational. I love her vibrancy and joy of life as she shares stories, biblical principles, and innovative ideas for trimming belongings, rediscovering the joys of an empty nest, actively helping others, and establishing a vibrant, energetic lifestyle. This would be a great gift for anyone celebrating one of those milestone birthdays.
Labels: aging, clutter, downsizing, Karen O'Connor
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Ever Feel Like This?
I do... All the time...Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Happy Thanksgiving!
HAPPY THANKSGIVING!
Happy Thanksgiving to all of my wonderful readers who are caring for aging parents and a double blessing to you GenSandwichers who still have children at home and are caring for your parents. I pray God's richest blessings upon you this Thanksgiving.
I've just returned from five days at Mom's, a visit that included both medical appointments and a big family dinner. While everyone helped with the dinner, we still haven't trained the sibs to stay for clean up. Almost everyone suddenly had to leave before we even started dishes and putting away the leftovers. In all fairness, there was a storm coming in and those who had traveled felt the need to get on the road before it hit. I was grateful for my brother who stayed and helped to the very end. I can tell I'm getting older. But the end of the day, and through the next day, I could barely move.
While it was important to give Mom a full Thanksgiving dinner with her whole family, I find that it's getting harder and harder to manage it. I feel conflicted and in a no-win situation. I want to make it nice for Mom -- who knows which holiday will be her last. But I find I resent sibs who consistently make excuses for not pitching in and contributing a fair share. I honestly don't have any more energy than they do, but I guess I'm just stubborn enough to tough through it -- to my detriment.
How do you mange holidays at your house? I'd love some suggestions for honoring Mom while maintaining my own health and well-being in a situation where agreeing on responsibilities in advance hasn't worked.
Labels: aging, family, siblings, Thanksgiving
Monday, November 15, 2010
Do We Become More Negative with Age?
My mom has always been negative. She’s always been a victim. So why does it bother me so much now? Is it getting worse, or am I just growing weary of it? Hard to know…
I find that it doesn’t matter what I say to her. She finds a way to give it a negative spin. Last week we invited a young couple to lunch. They are our son’s age—late 20s—and he was one of my writing students. His parents recently died, so we invited them for lunch. I mentioned it to Mom. Her response: “Why would they want to have lunch with you? You’re too old.” Excuse me! I get along just fine with young people. We had a lovely time. But it stung to think that Moms first response was critical.
I could go on and on, but then I’d be negative too. Just once I’d love for my mom to delight with me. To rejoice with me. To celebrate me and what I do. I guess the good news is that her attitude has caused me to work extra hard a being positive with my son and DIL. When they come, we celebrate them. When we talk on the phone, I encourage them even when I know I’d have done it differently. I want them to know I’m on their side, no matter what.
So what do you do with a negative parent? And how do we avoid becoming one? I’ve tried correcting, cajoling, and countering Mom. She just gets upset. So now I just ignore here and move on. And meanwhile, I remember that I’m becoming the old woman I will be. So I’m developing an attitude of gratitude and a positive mindset. What do you do?
Photo Credit: Flickr Creative Commons
Labels: aging, aging parents, attitude, critical
Wednesday, September 08, 2010
Does God Have a Sense of Humor?
If your week has been like mine, maybe you need a bit of comic relief. Here's Mary Maxwell offering the opening prayer for Caregiver of the Year dinner for HomeInstead. I love her sense of timing and dry humor. I'm sure God enjoyed it as well.Saturday, August 28, 2010
What’s This about Getting Old?
Robert Faber expressed my sentiments exactly in his op-ed piece on the AnnArbor.com. At 84, he looks around and wonders why everyone else is so old. It’s a great read, especially for Boomers.
I’m at my family’s this weekend. Everyone is here for a nephew’s birthday. Mom is 89, Brother is 60, Sister is 53. At 62, I feel no more than 30 and keep thinking I’m back “at home” with much younger siblings. In fact, I often confuse my brother with my 26-year-old son. I’ll be talking on the phone to one and see the other in my mind’s eye. I sometimes feel as if I’m in a time warp and have a hard time remembering my own age and stage. I’m doing things usually done by much younger people (like grad school and gardening) and have plans for the next 30 years, yet my body often screams in protest. Who am I and how old am I anyway?
I know I’m not alone, and at the same time I know that my attitude helps keep me young. Meanwhile, like Robert Faber, I “just keep planning and trying and doing. The beauty of life at any age, but a requisite for old age, is: Tomorrow.”
Photo courtesy iStockPhoto.com
Labels: aging, Baby Boomers, family
Friday, May 14, 2010
What’s Next for You?
Are you ready to graduate? Robert and Patricia Gussin thought they were ready to retire. Both had enjoyed successful careers as corporate execs for a pharmaceutical company. They had raised their family. They had survived years of mind-numbing commutes. When Robert reached the company’s mandatory retirement age, they began to invent themselves.
Patricia began writing novels. Robert also tried his hand at writing. This led to starting a publishing company. Then on a trip to New Zealand, they fell in love with the land and purchased a vineyard. Meanwhile, they spent quality time with their children and grandchildren. Banishing the word retirement, they decided that instead they had graduated – progressed with a focus on continuing to be productive. The result was a delightful book: What’s Next … for You? The Gussin Guide to Big Changes, Big Decisions, and Big Fun.
I grabbed this book on my way out the door for a planning retreat to once again try to figure out my life. I get so confused. I love the work I do and can’t imagine retiring. My husband, on the other hand, retired years ago and is content to putter. I have to balance my desire to continue building my business with the reality of my age and our stage in life. Until I read this book, I wasn’t able to make a firm commitment in any direction. It was exhausting.
I loved the zest for life these two show. It’s a happy book. They clearly love what they do – all of it. Their enthusiasm was contagious. And it gave me a new way of looking at my life. I don’t have to have a 40+ hour per week job. I can dabble in a variety of things – which is what I’ve been doing. Working. Going to school. Focusing on family. Traveling. Caring for Mom. I’ve felt so fragmented. After reading this book, I made peace with my life. I have a new joy, a new freedom, and a new direction. I’m more content than I’ve been in years. And the delightful result is that I’ve been more productive!
If you’re trying to figure out how to manage this season of life, may I suggest What’s Next…For You?
Labels: aging, retirement
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
9 ‘Harmless’ Habits That Age You
OK GenSandwichers, are you feeling your age? I sure am, and more than that, I’m beginning to look my age. Not something I’m excited about. Today we video-chatted with our son. I’m sure it was partially the computer camera, but I couldn’t help notice the increased wrinkles and creases in my face and the sag that’s developing in my chin. I’ve never been very concerned about my appearance. I try to look nice, but I don’t spend a lot of time or money on beauty preps. But lately I’m wondering if it’s time to pay attention…
This article lists nine ways that we contribute to our own aging – and I’m guilty of most of them. What about you?
Tuesday, May 04, 2010
Do You Feel your Age?
I’m always amazed at how young I feel. Although my 62 year old body doesn’t always cooperate, mentally I’m about 35. I find myself confused a lot because my goals and plans are never in sync with my life-stage. I still can’t figure out how I’m old enough to have a 26 year old, even though most of my friends are grandparents. I struggle with work because my goals are those of a person whose whole career lies ahead while I’m on the declining end. And of course, I started grad school a couple years ago. Yep, I’m confused.
Mom is the same way. She still thinks she’s 50 and regularly threatens to drive to Kansas or Idaho or some other place she has friends. Of course, at 89 she barely makes it the bank or Bible study. She gets so frustrated that her body won’t cooperate with her mental age.
I ran across an article that suggests we aren’t unique. Paul Briand at Boomer Angst writes that his perceived age is a lot younger than his drivers license age. What about you? How old are you and how old do you feel?
Photo courtesy of iStockphoto.com
Labels: aging, Baby Boomers
Tuesday, March 09, 2010
Old People, Old Furniture....
I was at a brunch a while back when one of the older ladies made an interesting comment. She said, “We value old furniture more than we value old people.”
Isn’t that the truth? We have several pieces of valuable antique furniture—several that are older than my mom. I take great care to guard and care for those antiques. I never feel they’re a nuisance. So why do I get irritated in dealing with my mother? She’s just as fragile. Is she as valuable to me? On a difficult day, I confess I wonder. I get frustrated when she won’t do what I tell her. I get annoyed when she’s not willing to change or improve her life.
For example, last time I took her to the doctor, she had low blood pressure. The doctor found a slight irregularity in her heartbeat. He suggested she get a blood pressure machine and monitor herself for a while. Since she’s done that, her blood pressure has skyrocketed. Probably because she’s stressed about it. I try to tell her she’s inducing the spikes. She says she can’t help it. Of course she could if she’d try. So I get annoyed. And feel squished.
The same visit we went to the dermatologist to check out some spots. They were nothing, but Mom told the next doctor that she had been to the “cancer doctor.” Despite the assurances that her bumps were nothing, she had already decided she had skin cancer and no one was going to talk her out of it. I feel squished.
I think I’ll go polish my furniture…
Labels: aging, aging parents
Monday, January 18, 2010
When I Grow Up...
As you may know, I’m in grad school. Yep. Grad school. Have been for a couple of years, one class at a time. I’m absolutely loving it. I started a new class on Saturday. The prof broke us into small work groups. I’m in a group with three delightful people who are young enough to be my kids. One of the get-acquainted questions was, “What do you want to be doing in 10 years?”
Ten years?!?! In ten years I’ll be 72! While these young people all had their career goals, I’m thinking of the Kaiser commercial that runs in our area. It features all of these scrappy old women doing delightfully active things and singing, “When I grow up I want to be an old woman…” It’s a fun commercial, celebrating the positive side of aging for positive people.
This whole exercise was just another in a series of disconnects I’ve experienced this year. For example, at the New Years Day party, I was clearly in a “different” space. Most of the women have already retired and the men who are still working were counting the days. Meanwhile, I had just finished my annual goals and was bouncing with excitement. I’ve increased my goals in just about every area—personal, professional, spiritual… I’m so excited about what 2010 will bring. I feel 35 and can’t quite wrap my mind around the idea that I’m 62 and should be slowing down.
I suppose that part of that is that I didn’t have an active professional career. I stopped working at my apex and spent the next 18 years home schooling. I loved it and wouldn’t have traded it for anything. But I guess part of me thinks I missed something and by golly, I’m making up for it now! Or maybe I’m just in round two.
I have a friend who tells me to act my age. I guess I just forget what that is. Does anyone else experience this? Or am I the only one?
Photo Credit: PicApp.com
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
But Can You Find a Doctor?
Saturday night in a rare special session, the Democrat-led House of Representatives passed the Pelosi health care bill in by a slim margin of 220 to 215. This bill, if passed by the Senate, will allow the government to take over approximately one sixth of the American economy. However, that’s not the whole story.
Have you tried to get a doctor for a Medicare patient lately? Increasingly I’m hearing of people having problems even finding a doc who will take Medicare. And if you can’t find a doc, what good will even the best medical insurance do you? A friend experienced this recently. After years of having no health care, she finally got Medicare through Social Security disability. We were thrilled--until she tried to find a physician. You see, since Medicare pays only 80 cents on the dollar, physicians lose money treating Medicare. If they have limited hours available, expensive malpractice insurance, a huge office staff necessary to process the Medicare and insurance requirements… who will they fill a slot with? Since there’s already a physician shortage in many parts of the country, can you blame them for making the best business decisions they can? But if things are bad now, the health care bill will make it worse.
Dr. Herbert Pardes, president and CEO of New York-Presbyterian Hospital, wrote an excellent Wall Street Journal article called The Coming Shortage of Doctors: Our aging population is challenge enough. Try to get an appointment after health-care reform. He mentions several critical points:
• If the doctor shortage is not addressed and health-care reform is signed into law, millions of Americans will likely find themselves able to obtain insurance for the first time—but may be unable to find a doctor without a long delay. Why? Because expanding the number of insured patients but not the number of doctors will only increase the demand for services that already must meet the demands of an aging population.
• Even in the absence of health-care reform, according to the American Association of Medical Colleges, the U.S. will face a shortage of at least 125,000 physicians by 2025, when the number of people over 65 will have increased by about 75% of what it is today—to 64 million from 37 million today.
• Doctors are also aging. By 2020, as many as one-third of the physicians currently practicing will likely retire.
I wish our esteemed lawmakers would understand the problem before they try to “fix” it!
Photo: PicApp.com
Labels: aging, Medicare, physician shortage
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Time to Sign up for Medicare
My hubby turns 65 in December and we’re way behind. Between his summer of medical problems, his recent surgery, and caring for Mom, we haven’t even begin to look at his Medicare options. Frankly, we don’t want to. We have good insurance. We’ve had it for 30 years. We like it. We don’t want to change. But apparently he’s required to move to “the government option” at 65, regardless of his choices. So we need to do some quick work, learning the difference between Medigap and Medicare Advantage (which BTW is under attack from Congress and may not be here next year).
Of course, all of this could be a moot point in a year if the Democrat-run Congress has its way. Within a year or so we’ll all be under the public (read: government) option fighting for access to underpaid physicians. And seniors will be the least served as the government takes a reputed $450 billion from Medicare over the next ten years to provide services for a mere 16 million more people, including (yes, Joe Wilson was right), illegal aliens.
But enough whining. What’s your experience? What should we do? What are the stumbling blocks? What do we need to be aware of? I remember the debacle of trying to understand Medicare Part D for my stepdad. Never did really conquer that one. Now we need Parts A, B, and D. And C? And J? I just read Nearly 65? Time for the Medicare Maze and cringed. It’s a good overview, though, and offers links to other helpful resources. Guess I’d better get busy… Help!
Photo Credit: PicApp
Tuesday, October 06, 2009
Here’s a Scary Fact
While reading Find your Strongest Life last week, I came across a frightening fact. Author Marcus Buckingham says,
“When we multitask, we’re dumber. How much dumber? A recent study for Hewlett Packard exploring the impact of multitasking on performance revealed that the average worker’s functioning IQ drops ten points when multitasking, more than double the four-point drop that occurs when someone smokes marijuana. (The analogy the researchers used is that a ten-point drop in IQ is equivalent to missing one night’s sleep.”
Now that’s a scary thought. When is the last time I didn’t multitask? Isn’t that the definition of a GenSandwicher? I type while on hold. I talk to Mom while cleaning off my desk. I write my blog while watching TV. I click onto email and Facebook far too often when I should be writing or studying. I wonder how smart I’d be if I could focus? And I wonder if there is an age-adjustment? Does my IQ drop even more because I’m over 60? Hmmm. Scary.
Labels: aging, Baby Boomers, multitasking
Monday, October 05, 2009
Boomer Women Feeling Stuck?
That’s why is was excited to be invited to review Marcus Buckingham’s new book, Find Your Strongest Life: What the Happiest and Most Successful Women do Differently. In fairness to Buckingham, I’m sure his primary audience is young professional women climbing the corporate ladder -- something I gave up on 25 years ago. But he does talk about women who choose to stay at home with their children – something I chose to do 25 years ago. He doesn’t talk a lot about us older women looking for a new direction. Thus, I found myself a little disappointed.
I was also a little confused by what I think was his primary message – the happiest and most successful women follow their passions. OK. And then… In my case, that’s precisely the problem. I have many passions and many things I do well, but also many responsibilities I don’t enjoy but can’t delegate. How to hone that into a 60-something life--that’s my question.
He offers a test at StrongLifeTest to tell you which of nine Life Roles are primary and secondary for you. It’s somewhat useful, although it seems very short and I would have liked to see the actual rankings. I came out Teacher and Creator. No surprise. But in reading the descriptions in the book, I would have liked to know my score on other roles I resonated with or didn’t resonate with. It seems that the point is to find opportunities where I can fill my primary roles and when possible, avoid roles I didn’t score as high on. He also encourages us to be intentional in looking for the lead roles and reframe the moments that don’t bring us passion. Good reminders. Admit it. We often just do what we do because we think we have no choice. Often we do and those are opportunities to grow and change.
But what do I do with Caretaker? I’m sure I scored very low on that one, but that’s much of my life through no choice of my own. I do balance my caretaking with many functions that fall into Teacher and Creator, but for now and for 18 of the past 25 years, Caretaker has been a primary role. And no, I wasn’t always happy or totally fulfilled, but I did manage to find a good life within that role (by being a Teacher and Creator whenever possible--which is his point). While Buckingham encourages that we strive for imbalance, sometimes that just isn’t possible. And when it is possible, is that the best way? My Teacher continues to try to teach my mom a better way to manage her life, but I do it at the expense of just loving and caring for her. Thus, she’s delighted when my brother (the Caretaker) comes to visit, but me, not so much.
So, if you’re unhappy in your life role or trying to reshape your aging years, this book could be useful. It may give you a different way to approach even the unchangeables. And if you have a daughter just starting out, it could save her from some of the mistakes we made.
Labels: aging, Baby Boomers, book review, satisfaction
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Depression Linked to Alzheimer’s Disease
Photo: PicApp.com
Researchers at UCLA have concluded that people between 55 and 91 with depression are at a higher risk for developing Alzheimer's Disease. A depression test produced results in points and for every point of increase on the test the risk of developing Alzheimer’s went up by 3 percent, suggesting that depression is a major risk factor for Alzheimer’s disease. The researchers hope that early treatment of depression will lower the rates of Alzheimer's the patients develop.
Sounds like a good reason to keep that good mental attitude, beginning now.
Labels: aging, Alzheimer's, depression
Thursday, May 14, 2009
When I Grow Up…
You’ve got to see this lady! Ruth Seamands is the 92-year old mother of my friend, author Brandilyn Collins. When Ruth had to give up driving recently, she bought herself a red golf cart and had her own logo painted on it: Ruth’s Rocket. She uses it to get around her retirement community in style.I met Ruth back in the early 90s when she would have been in her mid-70s. She was attending a writers’ conference where I was a speaker and she managed to keep up with the younger conferees, no problem. I’ve had the opportunity to visit with her a few times since, and always enjoy her. She’s optimistic. Active (does 30 minutes of stretches per day). Full of faith (a former missionary). Interested in life. And nothing keeps her down.
When I grow up, I want to be like Ruth!
Labels: aging
Monday, December 01, 2008
Generations
“Mom, why are you climbing that ladder when I’m here! Don’t do that!”This sounds like my normal mantra to my mom. At 87, she still thinks she can just scamper up the step stool and get something from the top shelf. But she’s so unstable on her feet that it scares me silly when I see her doing that. No matter that the other 27 days of the month I’m not there and she has to manage by herself. When I’m there, I want to be the one doing the climbing.
But this wasn’t me scolding Mom. It was my son scolding me. He and his wife were here for Thanksgiving, and he moved our DSL router to the top of a kitchen cabinet to give us better coverage. I wanted to adjust some of the decorative items on top of the cabinet, so as usual, just grabbed my step stool, climbed onto the counter top, and did what I needed to do. Son came in about then and scolded me.
Of course, I don’t think I’m nearly as unsafe as Mom – or nearly as old -- but I suppose to Son and DIL, I seem pretty old. I remember how old our parents seemed when we got married – and they were younger than we are now!
This trip, like most of Son’s trips home, has been full of tasks we needed his technical support on. He was bemoaning the fact that it seems that every time he comes home, we have a list for him. Funny, every time I go to Mom’s, she has a stack of stuff for me to do, review, or advise her on – in addition to the doctor appointments I accompany her to. We’re learning that as we age, we need the younger generation’s help, just as they need us for other things. In the circle of family love, we each have something valuable to offer. We may lament the time our parents’ needs take from our own agendas, but the older I get, the more I value family. The more I value the unique skills and contributions of the different generations. And the more precious multi-generation time becomes.
Labels: aging, generations
Saturday, June 28, 2008
Contemplating Hip Replacement
This article in US News and World Report caught my attention today as I’m sitting here in pain rather than gardening. I have osteoarthritis and have been a candidate for a hip replacement for over a year. I keep putting it off, praying for an alternative—like healing. The idea of a doctor cutting off my leg bone and replacing it with a metal prosthesis just doesn’t set well with me. I don’t like pain and I’m not good at taking time to exercise. I also build muscle very slowly, which means that I don’t see a lot of progress when I do exercise. And when I read all of the movements you can’t do after replacement, the rebel in me says, “No way!” So I keep stalling. Guess I have some of my mom’s syndrome—“wishing will make it so…”In addition to just NOT wanting the surgery and the long recovery time, there’s the question of which procedure to use (assuming I do it, of course). Two surgeons have been recommended by just about everyone in my area. One is a traditional surgeon who uses the prosthesis that grows into your bone. Recovery time: 4-8 months! The other uses a minimally invasive technique that promises faster recovery and less pain. Recovery time: 2-4 months. But this procedure uses an adhesive to set the prosthesis. I’ve heard of people having problems with this, either with breakdown or allergic reactions.
Since I’ve recently returned to school, the recovery time is very significant for me. I put off making an appointment in the spring, and now can’t get in to see either surgeon until August. That means if I do the surgery, I’ll miss a quarter at school. But I’m not sure I can wait another year. Last year I wanted to try to get stronger and lose weight before doing the surgery. I didn’t do either. So now I’m in a real mess.
I think another part of my problem is that I still think of myself as 35. Far too young for such a surgery! The reality is that I’m 60 and my body parts are wearing out, largely due to my lack of care for them in the past 30 years. Yes, there are consequences to poor health choices in middle age. And I’m reaping them now.
Labels: aging, health, hip replacement