What i wish i had understood in the MTC and in my mission.

I was just thinking about my mission and the MTC. I really struggled with confidence in the MTC. I felt that because i hadn't grown up active in the church, want engrained with all of the answers, hasn't always lived after the manner of the gospel, that "who was I to tell people about Christ?" I felt highly under qualified.

In the mission field I was never afraid to open my mouth, to talk to people on the street or at the door. But i think I still had this false belief that held me back from teaching with power and authority from God as His servant on the earth.

This morning I read in the Book of Mormon, Helaman 5:12- maybe 22? 12 is the verse that says that we must build our foundation on Christ so when the whirlwind and storms from the devil come he will not have power to drag us down to endless misery and wo. For those who build in Christ cannot fall.

It goes on to tell how Nephi and Lehi went out and preached the gospel to ask if the Nephite's and then to the Lamanite's. How they taught with power and converted 8,000 of the Lamanite's!!! That is a lot! Maybe on my mission I converted 8? I don't even remember.

So after reading that I thought about that power and confidence they had. I thought about faith, and how our faith must be centered and focused on Christ. Then I thought about what I wrote above about my MTC experience.

So here's what I wish I had known and understood in the MTC, and what I hope I will understand now as i continue to strive to be an example and share the gospel.

Here it is: It's not about me!! It never is. I was caught up in my own qualifications, what I knew or didn't know. But that doesn't matter. It never does. We are not limited by the distance we have traveled in the path of life or the path of the gospel. But we do limit ourselves by thinking that way.

Instead what I should have focused on was having the Spirit. Learning from, listening to, and following the Spirit in every moment of my life, and that time in the mission. Being worthy of His Spirit, and opening my mouth to let His message out. Understanding that my purpose is to be a vessel, the messenger, not the one writing the message. I will never fully understand all that I need to in regards to the gospel. I will never know all the answers or exactly what someone needs to hear in that exact moment. But I can trust that God does. I can know that He will give me the words and the actions if I am willing to give up that pride that makes me think that I need to know, and instead just let Him with through me. See my purpose as being His voice and His hand on this earth.

It's so much easier to be obedient, to have faith, to trust, and to do, when I release myself from the responsibility of knowing it all or having all the answers.

It's so much easier to "follow orders" as it were, than to give the orders. And I think that might be what is meant when we "take His yoke upon us... that our burdens may be light." His yoke is easy and His burden is light. That we may find rest. I love those verses.

But if we are to be yoked with Him, we must give up that need for control. Because that's what a yoke does, it makes us equal. It puts us on the same path, with the same goal and the same focus. Going in the same direction. But if I decide to go my own way, then i am no longer yoked. He will not follow us in our ways. It is HIS yoke that we are wearing.

So my goal today is to give up that control. Refocus my life on Christ, and know that He is the one with the answers, and I don't really need to know what those answers are. I just need to have faith, be believing, and follow Him.

Another favorite scripture, find in 3 Nephi 21, I think. It says something like, He has gone before us and prepared the way for us.

I loved that scripture when I was in college. I had a lot of anxiety during one time, and I would read that every morning before I went out the door. It calmed my soul a lot to know that He was going before me each day, preparing everything in my life, preparing who I would talk to, who I would see, where I would go. It gave me assurance that if He was preparing the way, and I was following Him, that everything would be OK, and I had no reason to fear. I could place my trust in Him and that everything would be as it should - trials and all.

It is truly life changing to put our trust in the Lord! It is there that we find power, strength, and peace.

Why I do religion

My dad is a huge fan of the Alcoholics Anonymous program (AA) and has been for years and years. One day we were talking about it and he said something that hit me. "They [the recovering alcoholics] depend on this program and use it every day because they can't do it on their own. If they miss a day, they faulter and fail. It [the steps] are our life line." And then I think I said something that surprised him, "that's exactly why I do [religion]! Because I can't make it without it." And that's the truth.

I read my scriptures every single day. I pray every day. I go to church for three hours every Sunday. I serve. I repent. I try to be better than I was the day before. I say I'm sorry. I forgive. I do my best to love and be selfless (some of these are still very much a work in progress but I am making progress). I restrict what I listen to, what I watch, where I go, the activities I participate in, the environments I place myself in. I drive for four hours to be in the temple for two hours. I fight to choose faith over fear, hope over doubt, and love over anger. I do everything I do in my life based on my religion and my faith.

Why? Definitely not because I'm a goodie-two shoe who likes the warm fuzzies, or am a Molly Mormon who likes to wear her religion on her sleeve. I live it because of what is on the other side of the door if I don't live it. I do it to keep that door closed, to keep myself as far from those things as possible.

I've lived a rough life. I've been through and experienced more than I care to remember. And sadly a lot of what others have or are suffering through now (sad because no one should have to experience those things and I wish I had been the only one, for everyone else's sake). I know darkness, despair, depression, loneliness, anxiety, I know addictions, struggle, weakness. I've been the victim, been used, and neglected.

This month is national suicide prevention month. And as I've thought about this, and the real struggle that goes on inside of a person, I've realized just how real the fight is. And it is a real fight. And the scariest part about it is when you know that those thoughts are not your thoughts. That they are in your head, but they are not your own. And you fight everyday that they do not overcome you. That they do not become your thoughts.

My faith and my religion are my battle ground. They keep me fighting. They are my weapons of war. They protect me. They comfort me. And most of the time, when I'm diligent, they keep the door to those things closed, so I don't have to fight. Scriptures, prayer, uplifting music, uplifting books and shows, they keep me in a safe place where I don't have to battle. Where I can be happy and have peace and joy. Yes, I basically choose to live in a bubble. But that's the only place I'm safe. Because when that bubble pops, or that door opens, what's on there other side is ugly!

Depression, anxiety, shame, regret, remorse, feeling worthless, unloved, useless, alone. Those feelings are real. And when you are face to face with those feelings, you are fighting for your life to stay afloat. I know. And it's a hard battle.

I've been thinking about this a lot the last week or so. Thinking about how real the fight is. I talked with my husband about how I think the hardest part of ANY trial or struggle is feeling like your going at it alone.

Loneliness.

It is the number one worst aspect of any emotion. It makes every negative emotion or trial infinitely more difficult. It is a killer. Take any struggle, and you add feeling alone, like you are the only one with this problem or the only one going through this, to the equation. Well you have yourself a battle of a life time to get through it. But you remove that loneliness, and suddenly you have hope. You find people who are also struggling, who know the trial and the struggle, who have made it through, and suddenly there is hope. You know you can overcome. You know you can do it. Because someone else has. You know you'll be OK, because someone else is OK. And suddenly the trial isn't a trial anymore. The mountain becomes a mole hill.

That is why I share. Why I share my struggles and why I share my faith. I share because maybe there is someone out there who is struggling, who feels like they are the only one.

I often feel like I'm the only one. I feel alone. I feel like I have no one I can talk to. I feel like no one would understand. Like everyone will judge me. But I also know that these things are not truth. I'm not the only one. I'm not alone. So if I've found something that has helped me, maybe it will also help someone else.

I share because for me, when I know that I'm not the only one fighting this battle, that there are others who love me and are willing to fight these battles with me. Who are willing to fight and sacrifice to make sure I know that I am loved, and that I am worth it, that gives me so much strength. It helps me fight off the demons and makes room for peace. These are not battles that we can fight alone. And sometimes it's a fight just to let our loved ones know that. That we need their support! We need them to love us and help protect us from those triggers.

So I share to let You know that you are not alone. That you are worth fighting for! And I will stand by you're side and help you fight your battles. You are not fighting alone!!

My greatest desire is to help someone. I want to help everyone! But I'm not going to worry about the masses, because I want to start with the one. If I can be a light to one person and help them find peace, then it was all worth it!

And I will say over and over again that my peace comes through Jesus Christ! He has healed me in so many ways. He has taken away my pain, He has lifted me, comforted me, and strengthened me. He has forgiven me, and He has helped me to forgive myself. And the way that I find Him, stay close to Him, and drink from that well of peace, is through the commandments, through worship, and through making and keeping covenants.

The sacrifices I make to have peace are worth far more than anything this world has to offer!! My burdens truly are made light, and He takes away my fears.

"Jesus the Christ lives. He is the Savior and Redeemer of the world. He is the promised Messiah. He lived a perfect life and atoned for our sins. He will ever be at our side. He will fight our battles. He is our hope; He is our salvation; He is the way."

- President Dieter F. Uchtdorf, April 2009, The Way of Discipleship (italics added)

I know that is true! He will fight or battles!! If we come unto Him and follow His ways, we can receive of that peace. I know! Because I have felt it!

So if I share my testimony, or talk about the Church, meaning the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints,  please know and remember that I do so because it is my life line. And I know it can and will save anyone and everyone who is willing to turn to it and desires to rely on it, rely on Him. And trust Him!

He knows you. He knows your struggles. He loves you. If you don't know Him, ask Him to show you who He is, to teach you to recognize His Spirit. I know that He wants us to know Him. And that if you are sincere and have real intent, He WILL answer your prayers! He will help you!

This I know to be true.

I shared a lot of the hard things I face. But I want to also share the good things I am blessed with through the gospel of Jesus Christ.

It has taken years, but with Christ's help and enabling power (or grace), I have been able to break old habits. I have overcome temptations. I have changed my perspective and outlook on life. I have found self worth and a positive identity. I have found purpose and meaning to life. I have found peace and comfort. I have found love. I have found happiness and real joy!

My eyes have been opened and I have gained understanding and truth. I can see clearly between good and bad, right and wrong. I can recognize when my heart starts to harden and I lose that peace. I can recognize when I'm slacking and the difference that makes to my happiness. I have faith and hope for now and the future!

The worries and stress of yesterday melt away. The pain of my past is foreign. My wounds have been healed. I have found healing and comfort. I remember having the pain of past experiences, but I do not remember what that pain felt like. I have strength to move on and do hard things. My triggers are removed and I no longer am constantly reminded of those feelings and pain that used to immobilize me.

The struggles are still there. Life is not trial free. It's still a battle. But the difference between my life now and 15 years ago, or even 5 years ago, or even 2, is so drastically different!! And it keeps getting better! The more diligent I am at being obedient and following the Lord, the better my life becomes!!!

Some say these are made up emotions or feelings. But never ever in my wildest dreams could I ever find this freedom and peace on my own. From the life I lived and the things I experienced, it is nothing but a miracle that I am where I am today. I give all credit and glory to God! He is good! And He has power to save us. To redeem us. And to lift us out of the darkness that we might find ourselves in. That is not something we can do on our own. And those who have turned to Christ know that. What a blessing!!

So I hang on to those things every day of my life. I grasp then with white knuckled fists and I don't let go. So pardon me while I share my faith. Forgive me when I am passionate about what is right verses what is wrong. Please don't be offended when I share my testimony. Because these are the things that have saved me, and the things that keep me living.

I love my Savior with all of my heart! And I will forever be indebted to Him! May He bless you, and may you also taste of that sweetness and joy! I love you!!

Lessons learned from lessons I teach my children

During the dinner prayer my son prayed, "and bless mom that she won't yell anymore." That wasn't the first time he's prayed for that.

After the kids were in bed and I was rearranging my living room - it's the first day of school tomorrow and let's be honest, I pretty much need a life makeover right now. My life - I have limited control over, my living room - I have majority control over. I needed change I could control.

Anyway, as I did that I thought about his prayer. I thought about all the reasons why I yell. I'm mad, I'm frustrated, I'm impatient, no one is listening to me, I need help and no one is helping me, I'm stressed out, I'm overwhelmed, I'm unhappy, I'm lonely, I feel unloved. There is no simple answer here. And there is no simple solution.

To back track a little bit, I've been really wrestling lately trying to figure something out: what exactly is faith and how do I have more of it? Where is the balance of me doing all I can do, and letting the Lord do His part? How much do I have to give in order to call down the blessings from heaven that we so desperately need? And how do I give anything at all when all of my ability is taken away from me? What should my faith look like in order to receive the promised blessings that I've been given?

It's been frustrating, overwhelming, discouraging, and sometimes a somewhat hopeless battle that I don't feel I'm going to win. There is definitely a connection between what we do for ourselves and what God does for us, but I have no idea what that connection is and how to use it most efficiently and effectively.

So back to my son's prayer. I pictured this conversation between my son and God. My son asking God that I won't yell anymore. Interjected with all the reasons I yell, and then how God isn't going to just snap His fingers and make it so I don't yell. I do know it doesn't work that way.

Then inspiration hit. As I turned over to God's side of the conversation I knew that this was His response, "You don't want your mom to yell anymore, so let's work together to make that happen."

I pictured the conversation I would have with my son to teach him that lesson. To teach him that while I ultimately am responsible for myself, if he is going to pray for something, part of praying for it is then being willing to work with God to do his, my sons, part to help that come true.

My son actually came upstairs and we did have this conversation and my son is incredibly wise. I asked him what happens after he prays for something? Does God just make it so? He said, "no. He helps us to work for it." (I'm so proud of him!!)

We talked about the reasons why I yell. We talked about how him and his siblings can work on listening better, being more obedient, and not fighting. I told him how much I appreciated every time that he gives me hugs and how much it helps me, as well as the times his sister tells me that she loves me. I told him how doing small things, even when he doesn't want to, helps him in the end. Because then I don't yell.

My children have been talking about the times that their teachers have yelled in the past. So we talked about the responsibilities that their teachers have and how difficult that must be sometimes. We talked about what he can do to help his teacher. How he can be kind and show her love, thank her, and be on task and listen - to help her out.

I don't try to put the burden of others emotions on my children. I am very clear about that, that it is not their responsibility. But we are very open about our own emotions and how others might be feeling and what things we can do to help them, and each other.

We talked about other kids he might meet at school. How they might be scared or feel lonely. How saying hi and being a friend can strengthen them and bless them.

There is truth that in stepping outside of our own emotions and feelings, and focusing on loving others, we actually feel better ourselves, and our problems are no longer our problems.

Anyway, long ramble. But in the end I learned that for my own circumstance and struggle of faith, and wrestle to obtain the blessings and answers we need, God is saying the same thing to me. "So this is what you want? Let's work together to acheive that."

There is no simple answer. There is no one size fits all. There is no formula of, "if I do this everyday than I will achieve it". Except for the formula of, prayer: pondering, asking, listening, and doing. Doing it with the Lord. That is faith. That is how we receive. Not by doing it on our own, or doing it our way. And not by stepping back to let the Lord do it all. It's about team work. And He's the team leader.

I feel like one of the greatest blessings of being a parent is all of the lessons I learn from the lessons I try to teach my children. Being a parent has not necessarily made me a better parent. But being a parent has definitely helped me to be a better daughter. And I'm grateful to know that my parent is the perfect parent. The perfect example of what type of parent I should be. Maybe one day I'll get closer to being as good of a parent as Him. ;)

So here is to being a team player. To listening to the council and wisdom of one who always knows best, and always has the answerers. Here is to not yelling in answer to a sons prayer. Here is to having faith and moving forward - on the Lord's plan, not mine. Here is to trusting. Letting go and trusting that He knows what He's doing, even when, and especially when, I don't understand. Here's to doing it anyway.

And here is to one last moment of gratitude to Him who gives us our answers in the strangest of ways. Mine of which always seem to come when I'm trying to teach that same principle that I myself need. ❤

By the sweat of thy brow

We went on vacation last week and it was absolutely wonderful. It was so good to be back home, and be with family. We had a hard time leaving and even stayed an extra day.

When we got back it did feel good to be back in our home, but it was a feeling of being in our "safe place" again, and not necessarily a feeling of "it's good be home again".

It doesn't feel like home here. Something I've come to realize and accept over the last few months. And that's OK. Not every place is going to feel like home, and it shouldn't have to.

It has felt good to recognize that and be at peace with not being in love with everything in my life, and at the same time embracing those things that I don't love. It's a weird oxymoron that I can love the things I hate about life.

However that seems to work, it gives me a feeling of freedom. Freedom to laugh and be happy and rise above the mundane. It feels good. It feels so incredibly good.

One thing I noticed throughout this week was our backyard. Until today it was a jungle!!!

We've had a very mild summer and it's been beautiful! Though I realized today that I'm not the only one who loves the cooler wetter weather. The weeds are out. of. control!

I finally couldn't take it anymore and kicked all the kids out of the house with me and I mowed and pulled weeds. The yard is much better now, and I'm happily soaking in the instant gratification of a little bit of yard work.

While I was mowing I thought a lot. I thought a lot about life. About God. About trials. About weeds. About work. And about struggle. I think about those things a lot. They are my life. And they are my story.

As I thought about the noxious weeds overtaking the swamp area between our yard and the park, I thought about Adam and Eve. I thought about God, and how He sent them out of the Garden of Eden. I thought about how He caused there to be weeds and bugs and how they would have to work hard to till the ground. How, "by the sweat of their brow they would eat for the rest of their lives." (paraphrased) They would have to work hard.

They would have to work hard every. single. day. of their lives. For the rest of their lives. Just to eat. They didn't get a free meal pass. They didn't have to work until they were 65 and then retire and not have to work anymore. They didn't get to work a little bit and then live in a mansion with maids and blessings and luxuries and living the easy life. And they lived that way for like 900 years!!

We are so dang blessed!!! And even with our blessings we expect more blessings. We, dare I say it, demand more blessings.

Why?

How?

How can we be so greedy and ungrateful? How have we come to expect the unexpected? Why do we think that it is our right to be blessed? How can we think that we deserve anything at all?

If we step back and look at the big picture, we can clearly see the end from the beginning. Not all the details like God can, but He has given us some cliff notes so that we can at least somewhat know what to expect.

First, we lived with God. He gave us the plan of agency and gave us Jesus Christ as our Savior and Redeemer. We ALL chose that plan. Every single one of us on this earth chose to follow Christ.

Second, we came to this earth. We came here to learn, to grow, to be tested, and most importantly - to choose! To choose without the memory of what it is we are choosing, which is to live with God again by following His son Jesus Christ.

Third, we die. Our spirits leave our bodies until we are resurrected and judged and given our reward in heaven based on our actions and choices that we made here on earth. This is where we receive the blessings. This is when we have been promised our mansions on high.

Now I want to stop for just a minute and go back to my thought on expectations. In all my life that I have grown up in the gospel of Jesus Christ, not lived the gospel, studied and taught the gospel, have I ever read or heard once that our blessings and our reward, or payment if I may call it that, would ever be given in this life. That's not to say that it won't, and perhaps sometimes it is. But it's not doctrine that it will.

So how can we expect it to? How can we demand it to?

"By the sweat of thy brow shalt thou work all the days of thy life." All the days. Until the end.

There are thorns in this life. There are pestilences. There is sickness and sorrow and grief. there is pain. There is work to be done. and it will be hard. and there is a lot of it.

So if we aren't supposed to expect our blessings to be handed out in this life, what can we expect? We can expect everything I just mentioned.

Is that depressing? Is that discouraging? Sure, it could be. But it doesn't have to be. If you expect it to be that. If you accept that that is what life is supposed to be.

It's about embracing life for what it is, not what you want it to be. It's about loving the things you hate about life because then you know that you are living. You know that life is what it should be, and that everything will be alright.

Don't be discouraged. Don't get down. God knows your struggles. He knows your fears. He loves you!!! And your blessings will come!!!! Just maybe not right now.

As I thought about this as I mowed, and felt more humbled by my growing trials (wondering just how much more humbled I could get); As I looked around me in my life and saw every aspect of it being over run with weeds and thorns, I thought about Job. In the end, people say He had nothing. But He didn't have nothing, he had God.

And in my life, no matter how overgrown my life might feel, or how empty or alone I think I am. And no matter if there is no ends in sight of my trials, I will ALWAYS have God. I do always have God. I know that. I have felt that. And so do you.

So now as I look around and see what I don't have and the unfulfilled desires of my heart, I can smile. I can have joy. I can laugh. I can be free. I am free.

Not because "material things don't matter". Because health matters. And paying the bills matter. And life matters. It's not about dismissing things, wants or needs. It's about attitude. Attitude and expectations.

Expecting life to be a roller coaster ride, full of ups and downs. Knowing that most of the time it won't go your way, and it might not always work out how to want it to. But it will always be enough. And enough is what matters. And having God is always enough.

I haven't always been able to laugh. I haven't always been able to smile. Or feel peace. But one thing I know for certain, is that as I have come to my Savior Jesus Christ, I have found peace. I have found joy. I have found freedom. Freedom from so much baggage.

If we are to change our lives, if we are to change our nation, there is only one source that can truly and completely heal a wounded soul. And that source is Jesus Christ. And He heals each heart individually.

I invite you to find Christ in your life. Ask Him to bless you. Ask Him to heal you. Ask Him to teach you who He is. And hold on for the ride, because you can't expect it to be easy. But you can expect it to be worth it!