Her light eyes were dancing, she is insane.

After my recent onslaught of insanity dreams, I started hearing weird voices. Mostly the voices of characters in my dreams. As this was getting out of control, I went and saw a psychiatrist yesterday.

Psychiatrist sits me down and starts asking all kinds of questions about my childhood, parents, drugs, birth injuries and flah flah flah. I answer. Whatever, none of it's news anymore. Towards the end of the session, we finally get to the dreams. I give Psychiatrist some examples of the dreams, and she sits back in her chair and says "wow" a lot. I told her about one dream and she said she had never heard of such things before... That was weird. How long did this chick go to school?

I got a diagnonsense.

Mild schizophrenia.

I'm supposed to take anti-psychotics.

I don't want to.

I knew I was a little off, but never thought I was, like, crazy crazy.

Prepartum Depression

I suffer from raging baby fever. My surgery date is set - October 23! I go in Wednesday for a pre-op appointment so they can get me in sooner if something opens up.

Since I'm not having a hysterectomy anymore, and the new procedure might allow fertility for a couple more years, (before I have the eventual hysterectomy I'll need) - all I can think about is having another baby while I actually may still be able to. Since I had already dealt with never being able to have more children before, when I was going to have a hysterectomy, I think the newfound possibility makes the fantasies stronger and more pervasive. A sense of urgency.

So I started figuring that if: surgery goes well, I start working again, and we get caught up in bills - I wanted to try for another baby. The thought makes me happy, just imagining. Going through the experience with the other person, and not having to be 16, alone, poor, guilty, and scared shitless.

No one else seems stoked. Fiance looked at me like I was insane when I brought it up. In fairness, I have been thinking about it for awhile and presented it to him like this: "So, here's what I'm thinking, after I have surgery and start working, we're gonna try for another kid." He's all for the idea of going through physical requirements of trying, but not so much of reaching the pregnancy goal. Also, I didn't really give him time to think, then I got all stupid-chick-emotional-butt-hurt when he wasn't jumping up and down with excitement... After a bit, he said that when things stabilize, he's open to the idea. I remained a little stupid-chick-emotional-butt-hurt, but hid it well. As all semi-intelligent insane women eventually learn to do. It's all about hiding the extra-strength crazy.

Daughter picked up on the topic through small innuendos between myself, Fiance' and Mom-In-Law (sidenote: children are far smarter than people give them credit for, they so often know what's going on and get frustrated when no one talks to them about it because they're "too young".) Anyhow, afterwards, Daughter was visibly upset. I asked her time and again what was the matter, and Daughter told me it was nothing and she was simply tired. Finally, when we laid down for bed, I got her to spill. Daughter began crying. She doesn't want me to have another child. She likes things how they are. She's afraid she won't be my favorite person anymore. As I've discussed here before, I have always had concerns that I could never love another person more than Daughter and Step-Son - even my own child. I mean, I would still love the crap out of the kid, but I do honestly wonder if I am capable of feeling that way with anyone else. When I told Daughter that her concern was ill-founded and that I will always love her bigger than the mountains. She replied, quite convinced "that's what you say now, but that changes when people have a new baby." More tears. I didn't know what to say. I reassured her that we would all be one big lovin' family, but she was inconsolable. Finally, I told her that it wasn't even something we were trying for anytime soon, it was just a thought. Who knows if I can even have more children, many doctors have told me I probably still can't, even now that I get to keep my stupid fancy uterus. We put aside the issue for now, but she still seemed worried.

So, sadly, all this made me feel like I shouldn't have another baby. I don't want to be the only one stoked about the idea. And I already had my Keep-The-Baby-Daddy kid, so that parts taken care of. Still, I want it, I daydream about it, I can't get it outta my head. I dunno. I guess I should keep my maternal fantasies to myself and turn my daydreams to getting a dog.