Hard to Believe

I find it so hard to believe that today marks the 6 month mark exactly of when I had Eden.  At this time 6 months ago, we did not know how severe her little heart was and we were so full of hope and love for her.  As I have stated before, I was nervous before her birth given her Down syndrome and her heart defect, but the moment I saw her that all faded away.  Not that I ever want to go through something like this again, but I would do it over in a second if told this was the only way I could have my Eden.  It is a bit surreal at times that I even had a baby 6 months ago and although my days are good, I feel somewhat empty and lost without the baby I should have.  I still miss her terribly and I do not think that will pass soon, however I am so happy for her that she is now whole, healthy and happy and able to do everything that a child should do.  I love you Eden and thank you for inspiring me to be a better mother, wife and friend.  Please do not stray far from me as I need to feel your spirit close, that is what helps to ease the pain.  There are times when I wonder why me, why our family, but I try to replace those thoughts with why was I so blessed with a true angel, what did I do to deserve to be the mother of such a strong, noble spirit?  Life is still difficult for our little family and at times we feel so misunderstood and alone.  We do appreciate all of your love, kindness and continued prayers as this is nothing that passes quickly, at least not for us.

I have mentioned our insurance concerns before and I found out that Eden did in fact exceed her 1.5 million dollar life time maximum payout.  If my rough calculations are correct we are over by about $400,000.00!  I have yet to receive any bills so I am not pursuing the matter, but it still weighs on my mind very heavily.  I might be making a mistake by not taking action to figure it out.  I just think, why stir the now silent pot...is it possible it will all just disappear?!?!  One can wish.  I will cross that bridge when and if I get to it and I will have to find out if there are any programs/groups that pay medical bills for a deceased child.  Things to think about!

As for the girls, they are doing as well as is expected.  It seems to me that they are getting a little more back to normal in that they do not fuss and cry when I drop them at the gym or at school and they do not mind when we get an occasional sitter.  Let me share a few tidbits from their little minds.

Ainsley:  she has become an avid bike rider and we are out at least 3 times a day to ride her bike.  She still has training wheels of course, but she is speed racer.  I love to watch her ride and walk alongside her, if I can keep up, but it's so darn hot right now that the mid-day rides are almost too much for me.  Imagine this, a shiny purple and pink bike with princess decals and fringes on the handlebars and a basket for all of your "goodies."  You are zooming (or so you think) down the street with your stylin helmet singing your favorite song of the day.  That is my girl!  It has taken me back to when I first learned to ride a bike, I felt so free and so empowered to go fast!  Think back with me for a second, weren't those good days?!?  The other day she also mentioned that she would like a really tall tree in our yard, when I asked why she said "so that I can climb it all the way to heaven to visit Eden."  Boy do I love this girl!

Emerson:  she can not figure out how to keep the pedals going on her tricycle so she is resigned to walking, more like running, on our outings.  She loves being in school and insists on wearing her backpack to the car (5 feet) and into school (I'll give it 10 feet this time).  She thinks she can swim like Ariel.  I mentioned the other day that she was swimming like a fish and she very bluntly corrected me that "NO!, I swim like Ariel."  I think she really believes it in her imagination.  She loves going under water in the pool, but when I poor water on her hair in the tub she has a nervous breakdown.  A few days ago it rained through the night and when I took the girls to school there were tons of puddles in the parking lot.  I am a little bit of an anal mommy so we of course had to avoid them like the plague.  When I picked them up after school the puddles were dried up and Emmy said (direct quote) "the puddle went up to heaven for Eden can jump in it!"  She is still so much a part of their thoughts.

We pray that the Lord will bless you all for your service to our family.  Thank you!

Tucson Mini Reunion

I am sorry I'm late in posting our trip to Tucson last weekend.  We stayed at a place called Ventana Canyon Lodge and it was absolutely beautiful.  Tucson is about 2 hours south of Phoenix, but the desert is much more lush, green and it is at least 10 degrees cooler there.  It was almost like a mini family reunion with my dad's sister and my cousins and family.  We did a ton of swimming, playing with the dog, running up and down the hills and of course, munching!  What a pleasure just being together with family.

Emerson, with her infamous apple, and cousins Cade and Liliana.  My cousin Mike, their dad, and my father are in the background.

Auntie Angel and our little cousin Liliana.

Ainsley relaxing in the grass with Smudgie, my sister's dog and my girls best buddy.

Emerson loves to try the munchies.  Notice the apple in one hand and popcorn in the other.

The entire gang.  My mom on the far right, my aunt Kathy standing, my dad, my cousin Mike and the cousins.

Ainsley, her cousin Cade (Liliana's big brother) and Smudge.

Isn't she getting big?

Grammy and Ainsley - there is definitely a special connection with the two of them.

All of the cousins - my sister's three, my two and my cousins two.

We had to get creative with her hair the final day.  Our Bohemian girl!

What a do!  She sat so patiently while I unpicked each braid and then combed it out to fluff.  Notice the apple once again!  Her absolute favorite snack and she will eat the entire thing.  No constipation for her with all that fiber.

We are home now for a while, but the memories will last forever.  The girls talk about one of our trips everyday.  We miss hearing from all of you as I don't post as often and it's probably not as interesting.  I really enjoy being home with the girls and they are loving school.  The days can be difficult at times, but over all life is good and we are blessed.

A Great Read

The Miraculous Journey of Edward Tulane

by: Kate DeCamillo

I just finished reading what is now one of my favorite books to date.  It is very easy reading and I would recommend it to absolutely everyone.  It teaches us that love is so very important in all of our lives and we can not give up on having, finding and enjoying love.  As the book states: "All along the way, we are shown a true miracle - that even a heart of the most breakable kind can learn to love, to lose and to love again."  I would invite all to read it as it will uplift you.

On another note, the days come and the days go and I miss my Eden so much lately.  I do not know why it is hitting hard right now, I guess I have never missed someone so much in my life.  I miss so much the feeling that her sweet spirit would transmit to everyone in her presence.  The feeling of love, faith, comfort and peace.  We call our living room our "reverent room" because this is where we have a fairly large picture of Christ, along with other family photos, and we try to act a little different in that room.  I make it a point to spend a little time in there every day because in that room I feel like I can feel her close to me.  Will I always be afraid of her memory fading - of forgetting her?  Will I always have a large hole, like a void in my heart?  Will I always be afraid to have another baby, worrying that this might happen again?  Sometimes, this just down right STINKS!!!!

I love my family, I love each of you and I love my Father in Heaven.  I am blessed amid the hurt.

South of the Border

I thought I would share Rocky Point with you in pictures.  We had a wonderful time and we thank our friends for kindly offering their condo to us for the weekend.  We spent all of our time outside either at the beach or the pool.  The girls preferred the pools because they had a kiddie pool just their size.  The ocean was fabulous though as the water is a loverly temperature and it is shallow for quite some distance.  As many of you know, I love to exercise and especially run so I took advantage and ran on the beach two mornings.  We gathered more sea shells than you can imagine and ate more guacamole than should be allowed!  Ainsley even picked specific shells to take to Eden's grave to tell her about our trip.  She is so thoughtful!  As you can see from the photos, the girls had their hair braided and felt like total rock stars.  My parents joined us for the trip and it was so fun to have them along.  Marcus, since he is such a good dad, did nothing but play with the girls.  He does enjoy body surfing so he spent some time in the waves having fun.  It was a super trip with memories that will not soon be forgotten.  Just to top it off, we got a speeding ticket in Mexico about 3 miles from the border.  Although it wasted about 30 minutes of our time, Marcus and I decided that we would much rather get a ticket there than in the States.  The issued the ticket, we followed them back to the police station paid the fine (a whopping $21) and were on our way.  No points, no insurance problems nothing.  Very cut and dry.

What a family!

The very beloved Grammy and Papa.

Right after unpacking when we returned home.  Do they look like dad or what?!?

She was so good for the braids.  It took about 30 minutes and she didn't mind at all.

As you can see Emerson was another story.  It was as if she we were torturing her.

I finally had to hold her and we bribed her with mini Oreo's just to finish.

Isn't that hair as cute as ever?  Even the Oreo face is precious!

Take a look at Ainlsey's locks.  No wonder I am so white, I shield myself from the sun.

The view from our condo balcony.

YUMMY!  We had to have a chile mango fresh on the beach each day.

Daddy and his girls in the ocean.

Is this UFC or are they sleeping?

Our morning ritual of sea shell collecting.

Fun Pictures

Just thought I would show you all a few fun photos of the girls.

Now that is how you eat an apple!  Emerson used to eat the ENTIRE apple, seeds, core and all, but she has since started leaving a little leftover!  She is my eater.

The first day of preschool was on Monday and these are my beauties before school.  This is Ainsley's second year and Emmy's first.

Can you guess who is the favorite at our house?!?

Ainsley takes a great picture if she is in the mood.  Emerson is always looking to see what her "big sissy" is doing as she adores her.

We leave tomorrow for the beach in Rocky Point and I am so excited.  On another note, I also can't wait for the Olympics to begin as I LOVE to watch them.  I will watch almost any sport during the Olympics, but my all time favorites are track and field and swimming.

We love you all and wish you all great blessings for your kindness to our family.

The Fifth

It's the date that I wish we could skip every month.

It is difficult working through today as it was one month ago exactly that Eden passed away. I dreaded the 5th arriving as I know all too clearly what it represents and it is painful. However, I hope that my feelings of hurt, pain and emptiness that come with this day will be replaced in the future with thoughts of happiness and gratitude that this was the day that Eden was freed from all of her pain and hurt and her body was whole again. It's hard to do right now, but time is a master healer and I know it will come one day. In many ways this month has flown by, but more so I feel like it has been much longer than a month ago. Maybe that is because we really did not "have" our Eden in all of her fulness for quite some time before she passed. Right before her second surgery she was so very sick and therefore heavily medicated and the two weeks that she lived after surgery she was again heavily medicated and never completely alert. I will never forget though, the Tuesday before she passed and the "tender mercy" that the Lord gave to me. It was my day to be with her at the hospital and her nurse just did not want to medicate her too much that day for some reason. For the first time in oh so long and what I found out later would be the last time on this earth, Eden had her eyes open and she was alert, watchful and tuned into me. I stood at her bedside for almost 2 hours and just talked with her. I looked into her eyes and felt as if she was really listening to and understanding me. I stroked her hair and face memorizing once again every one of her tiny features. It was like our mother-daughter bond was once again re-kindled. We talked and talked all without her making a sound and I kissed her little eyes over and over again, just because I could as they had been swollen shut for so long. I remember leaving her after she drifted to sleep with the happiest feeling in my heart that I'd had in quite some time. I did not recognize it then, but I now know that this experience was another blessing from the Lord that I will always cherish.

Despite the date and all the memories that flood back to my mind, I do not want to be sad today. I want to honor Eden and I know that she does not want me to be sad, angry or bitter. I hope to use this day as a reminder to live a little better, endure with more strength and love unselfishly as that is what Eden did. I love Eden and think of her daily and I thank the Lord for allowing me to be her mother. It is truly an honor!

Thank you to each of you as well for all of your "tender mercies." All of the prayers, cards, flowers, goodies, services and donations in Eden's memory make it possible for us to carry on and move forward. We use the analogy that it is like we have dropped a porcelain doll and it is shattered into thousands of pieces. Sometimes picking up the pieces isn't too hard because they are big and easy to find. However other times we just can't find the pieces and we sit on the floor and wonder "how am I going to put this back together?" It is heaven sent when one of you helps us pick up a piece or two. I would also thank my dear husband and best friend Marcus. He has been my strength and my refuge. I admire him and thank him for he is always strong so that the rest of us can be weak. I know he hurts and I know that this is just as tragic for him and I am forever grateful that he carries me along. I love him more than ever and know that the Lord blessed me with a good man.

Camping In Style

Trip #2 - Camping, and the Ridgways do it in style!

Look at that setup.  Now who wants to camp with the Ridgways!?!

Taking the girls fishing landed Marcus in the water most of the time retrieving their lines.

Crawfish were the only things the girls caught, but that was good enough for them.

Ainsley decided that she loved holding and playing with the worms we bought for bait.  She wasn't much for fishing.

We took nature drives every dusk and saw three Mexican Grey Wolves one evening.

Plenty of hot chocolate and marshmallows to go around and a nice roaring campfire.

Bot does mommy look pretty rough so early in the morning after sleeping on the ground (air mattress actually, but still not like my bed.)

Fisherman daddy resorted to using a Scooby Do pole as he didn't bring his own.

Now this is the life, oh to be two again!

My sweetheart who makes camping so enjoyable.

Once again, the lazy days of summer!

We really had a wonderful time camping, but I was also very ready to get home.  I have never been much of a camper, as an adult that is, until I married Marcus.  He really does know how to camp "right" with all of his gadgets and do-hikies he spares no expense.  All I did to prepare was pack the girls (which I always do) and the food.  He got everything else ready and did all of the cooking while we were there.  He loves to dutch oven cook and we also use a four burner propane gas stove.  It is literally big enough to be in someone's house so cooking is likety split.  We also have a lovely 2-room tent so the girls have their room and we have ours.  Our favorite camping spot, which is where we were, is not in a designated camp ground so the only downfall is the potty situation.  Thankfully there is a campground with a nice enough outhouse about 1/2 mile away so I walk to avoid the whole hole digging experience.  If you are familiar with Arizona, we go to a place called Buffalo Crossing which is near Greer and Eager and Big Lake.  The weather is fabulous and the scenery is stunning.  

The highlight of the trip for Me and Marcus was our evening nature drives.  We took dirt roads that were hardly ever traveled and the wildlife was amazing.  We saw the wolves and they even leaned theirs heads back like wolves do and howled for us.  We saw hundreds of elk and one night we happened upon a clearing there were literally over one hundred elk eating.  It was a spectacular sight.  We also saw deer, rabbits, wild turkeys, chipmunks (the girls swore they were Alvin, Simon and Theodore), squirrels, a snake and a coyote.  Of course there were plenty of bugs and beetles and lots of cows and horses.

Now for the fishing.  Let me start by saying that Marcus is truly a fisherman.  In his pre-marriage life he was a fly fishing guide for Robert Redford's resorts and lived to fish.  He really wanted to teach the girls to fish.  We set out to get them poles before we left and he wanted to buy the nice children's poles.  The girls had other plans though because when they saw the Scooby Do and Pirated of the Carribean poles they had to have them.  I didn't mind because they were half the price and I was skeptical about their commitment to fishing anyway.  Marcus learned very quickly that fishing is not fun for 2 and 3 year olds.  They want to cast the line, immediately have a fish bite and reel it in.  This did not happen so all they wanted to do was "wind it up" all the time.  I know it frustrated Marcus at first, but he adjusted and would end up fishing by himself (with Scooby Do) while I took photos and the girls played in the river with the worms.  What child can resist getting completely wet in a beautiful flowing river?  Water is too much of a temptation for my girls!  All in all, no bites, but lots of memories.

We had a great trip and arrived home on Friday afternoon after stopping for our traditional milkshake.  When all was said and done, I did 12 loads of laundry between all of the blankets, towels and clothes, but it was well worth the work.  I have loved taking these small trips with our family and it has been very good for all of us.  Ainsley still brings Eden up from time to time and talks about how fun it will be when she gets better and can come with us on our trips.  I hate that I have to remind her all the time that she is not coming home or getting better because then I have to use the word "dead" to her.  It's still hard for all of us no matter how you look at it, but I think we are all trying our best to cope and move forward and that is the most important thing.

Next week we are off to Rocky Point, Mexico to the beach.  We love you all and continue to thank the Lord daily for all of your love, concern and prayers.  They help us to make it through each day.