Being a Mom is HARD. It is hard in ways that I never thought of when I was a little girl playing with my babies. I fed them, I loved on them, I changed their clothes and diapers. I sang songs to them and played games with them. I took them on walks, had pik-niks too! These are ALL the things I have done with my own REAL LIFE children and yet, still I fall short. Still I find myself asking my Heavenly Father, "Please help me, I am at a loss. I have drawn a blank and my children are not being fulfilled for some reason. Please. Please, I need help." I don't remember feeling this way when I had my dollies growing up.
This BEAUTIFUL little boy....My little Kash with that perfect smile and his itty bitty hands, his beautiful perfectly round little face. His giggle/laugh that is POSITIVELY INFECTIOUS. His querky little funny personality, is the child that (at this moment) is causing such turmoil in my Spirit as a Mother. I can't figure him out half of the time. He is SUCH a happy little guy.
He really LOVES life and all things that go along with it. He enjoys school and gets really excited when he does well in school or at anything for that matter. He LOVES positive reinforcement so I give it to him as OFTEN as possible. I love to see his face light up when I praise him. It really does feed my soul. Recently at Church they had a lesson in Primary about some children that were faced with a decision. When they made the right choice they said " I feel like I am walking on the clouds." Kash LOVED that story and ever since has wanted to tell everyone that he feels like he is walking on clouds when he makes a good choice. I love that he is listening and learning and trying to be good. I know being 5 has it's challenges. I also recognize that there are times that I expect too much from my children. I have to remind myself that he/they are only 5/children. I want Kash to be strong, I want him to be valiant and SURE of who he is.
Recently Kash has been throwing fits. We usually don't go one day without seeing one of these award winning performances. Really...believe me...they are a SIGHT TO SEE! Complete with sobbing and hitting himself in the head with his hand or banging his head on the wall. You get the point I am sure. It really is a frustrating thing for me because most often, they are over the smallest thing. I have come up with a few techniques that SOMETIMES help to calm him down. The most effective is, I get down on his level and hold up my 10 fingers. I ask him to count them one by one and take a deep breath between each hand. This works pretty well. He usually starts laughing and snaps out of his rage doing this. Sometimes, he is just out of control and I lose it and yell. When I yell, he TOTALLY flips out. He shuts down and that's when things get even worse. Why can't I just control myself when I KNOW it makes an already bad situation worse? I need someone to hold up 10 fingers in my face on my level...I think.
This morning, Kash had a fit on the way to school over NOTHING! It kept escelating and I stayed calm...then I just yelled at him, that he needed to "knock it off!" Of course then his rage was replaced with tears and heartbreak. Then there was no calming him down. I tried and tried. I was so frustrated with him that I sent him off to school with little tears on his cheek. Much like the ones that are on mine right now. Why did I do this? Why did I let him walk away from me like that? Why does he have these fits of rage and anger that take him over? I found myself pleading with my Father in Heaven as soon as I pulled away from the parking lot. As of yet, I have not received my answer. What am I doing wrong? Kash is so special. Anyone that meets him will say so. There is just something about that little boy. Something, I cannot explain. He is precious and I don't know how to help him through this struggle he is having. I don't even know what is causing it. What I do know is that it is breaking my spirit as well. I feel that I am failing him in some sense. This is my biggest fear as a Mother. Some may call it Mommy Guilt. That is not what this is. This is bigger. I need to teach Kash how to deal with his feelings now, while they are 5 year old issues and struggles so that when he is much older, he will have the tools and know how to handle himself. When I am not there to hold up my 10 fingers.
My baby boy...I love you...I am sorry you have a hot temper. I am sorry you don't know how to handle it right now at your tender little age. I PROMISE you, I will figure this out for the both of us. We will get through this and hopefully both be better at dealing with our frustration. I love you more than any other little 5 year old boy in this entire world. I am sorry you went to school today with tears on your cheek. I will be better, I will be better for you. You deserve it.
Love,
Momma
