when do you speak up?

 this is something i've thought and wondered about a LOT in my life, and especially with recent events ie COVID, election, BLM, OUR, etc etc etc.

When do YOU speak up?
When SHOULD someone speak up?
Is it appropriate or not to share a post (political or otherwise) to reinforce your position?
Is it appropriate or not to share a post (political or otherwise) to negate their position?

How do we share opinions without twisting facts? This is a big one, right? I've seen several posts that state false information as fact, not as opinions, but as fact. I get really bothered by that. Not bothered like "George Washington had dentures made from the teeth of slaves" uncomfy bothered cuz that's gross and weird, but bothered like "You're deliberately misleading the people who read what you post" frustrated.

What would Jesus do?

That is something I've continually asked myself. I'm about the age He was when He began His ministry. What would He do in this situation? Ignore it all? Leave it be? Or be actively engaged in posting positive, uplifting things that lead people toward a better life? Or both??

And, what good does it do to share a post and critique it anyway? I mean, say a famous person like, oh I don't know, Beyonce posts something that is factually incorrect and yet her followers all say "Yes, Queen B, what you say is truth despite what we've known before". I mean, so what, right? Does it do any good at all for some lowly "regular" person to share that post and say "Actually, this is how this post is factually false"? Or does that just spread the post further?

A lot of questions today. I'm struggling to find answers. And maybe it doesn't matter!

I have lots of friends who I disagree with politically. They are incredibly wise, good, loving people and yet our points of view on how the county/state/country should be run are VASTLY different. I like that. I can see their posts and not care that they are different than what I'd post. 

So what motivates me to share a post myself? Lies. Deceit? Goodness. Truth? What am I sharing when I share something on my social media?

I shared a post the other day that contained a lie. I didn't want to see that post ever again and so I first shared just a blank image so that in my feed, I wouldn't need to see it, but others could swipe and read it. It was shared by someone who I don't know personally, but who I follow because of their line of work and who I admire because of how they live their family life. They shared the post in support of what was written. Then I shared what they shared to expose the lie - to who? to myself? my family? my friends? a random person in my feed? 

That's the frustrating part, I guess. I don't share "political" things as a rule. Even when I agree! There's too much hate and anger wrapped up with everything that I don't even want to share positive things. How sad is that, right? But I read that post and immediately immediately had the strongest gut feeling that I needed to delcare it untrue. Why? Neither the original writer of the post, nor the person who shared it will every see what I wrote. All I did was get some virtual high-fives from moms who I knew would feel the same and an anatomy lesson from one person who said I wasn't be sympathetic to the post. So . . . what's the point? 

Why speak up when everyone thinks the same? 
Why speak up when everyone thinks differently?

When is it right to share, to correct falsehoods, to promote agendas whether your own or someone else's? Cuz every share is done for personal gain, whether to promote yourself or bring down someone else, right? 

And then today, the questions and the butterflies and the wondering . . . 

When do YOU speak up? 

anniversary in a pandemic

 Last week, Husband & I celebrated 9 years of marriage. NINE YEARS! N I N E. That feels like so many. I remember turning 9 years old and feeling like 18 was so far away . . . Time flies when you're having fun, right? 

A couple of weeks before our anniversary, Husband asked me what I wanted to do to celebrate. My answer was not very satisfactory to him because I basically said "nothing". Ha! Meaning that I didn't want to go out to a restaurant where I'd feel I'd have to wear a mask and it was the hottest week of the summer so far and I didn't want to go hiking in the heat. Also, I love low-key celebrations anyway. So instead we made some big dream plans for our 10th anniversary next year when, if things aren't back to normal, at least we will hopefully feel comfortable traveling somewhere awesome-er than our backyard. (Though next year our backyard will be THE place to be. We have dreams.)

So, instead of a fancy celebratory day, it was a regular day with an incredibly delicious dinner and Hannalyn saying "Happy anniversary, you guys!" and it was positively perfect. 

I guess COVID doesn't ruin everything.

Happy anniversary, Husband! I love you to eternity and back again.
xoxo

cinderella

Well. The unthinkable has happened.

I was cast as Cinderella in 'The Slipper and the Rose' performing in September at Vernal Theatre: LIVE.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It hardly seems possible. I'm still not entirely sure that it's happening. I am completely thrilled and totally terrified. What a roller coaster of emotions this week has been. I have been dreaming of doing this show since I was about 14. It has been a long time favorite of mine. To think that it will actually be happening and that I will be Cinderella is . . . well it almost doesn't seem real.

Even better - Daniel is Prince Edward.

WOW!

I am completely shocked. I was definitely surprised. I was already planning my next audition, not because I necessarily thought that mine was bad but because I knew there were so many other talented ladies there that I didn't think it was something to really hope for. And then . . . !

Well. I hope I can make the director proud and do a good job.

Here's to magic and love and beauty. <3

angels

I write a lot about my insecurity with people. I share often about how it's hard for me to ask for help.

Well, a couple of weeks ago, we had a project at the theatre that needed to get done. And it needed to get done quickly. We were in the middle of other things, and timing wasn't great, but we knew it needed to happen. I ended up randomly putting out a call on Facebook saying that I needed help and when it would be, expecting no response like usual.

Imagine my surprise when the next morning, Daniel called to tell me that he had arrived 10 minutes early to find people already there waiting for him AND that they had been working for about 30 minutes and were almost finished with the project we were sure would take about 4 hours. Yup.

It was the most incredible tender mercy and divine intervention from God. I felt SO incredibly loved and known in that moment. I was reminded how much God cares about me and my family and felt immediately blessed to have been pushed by the Spirit to post on Facebook so others could be the hands of God in my life.

The project was completed in an hour and 15 minutes, including painting the room which we hadn't planned to do on that day originally but we ended up doing because we had the time.

God is pretty amazing.

working hard

The last several weeks I've been at the theatre almost every day, often for four hours a day. That doesn't seem like a lot but when you take your six-year old with you and she spends most of that time with her face in an iPad, the guilt builds up and the time is tracked more carefully.

Mom guilt aside.

I am SO proud of what I've been able to get done at the theatre. I have help usually once or twice a week and those helpers keep me motivated. I also sent a plan of attack to a group chat so that I had some accountability.

I started around the end of the May, knowing that things needed to be cleaned up, and willing to start the work. We'd bounced around the idea of having maps for upstairs to show where everything is to make it easier to find props and costumes and I decided this was the year to do it. I spent a nap time creating the maps and spreadsheets, naming the rooms and getting that ready. Then we cleaned. And cleaned and cleaned! Including a room that has had, well, junk in it for the last four years. We got it emptied and readied for props and then got all the props organized. We took two-ish weeks working on it, including some major reorganizing of the rooms moving furniture and shelving. I got all the maps finished and the Ultimate Prop Master List which has every prop we have listed on it with the room and shelf it is on and I was thrilled.

We still have one more room to clean out on that side so I'm just looking to hire someone to get that done. I don't want to do it enough that I'm willing to pay someone else to do it. Hopefully someone will be interested soon.

Then for the last two weeks I've been working on the costume side. THAT'S been a mess and a half. Hopefully now, though, people will actually put things away where they are supposed to go. . . hopefully. We've been going through and hanging up a BUNCH of donations we got (did I share that story? I will sometime. sum up: six SUV loads. no joke.) and creating new boxes and set ups for things we've been adding to. It's been a blast and it looks SO GOOD. Seriously. I almost cry sometimes when I go up there and see how nice it looks and how much easier it will be both to find items we need and to put them away.

I'm hoping to finish the costume side by the end of the week and then it's only waiting for the last room to be cleaned so I can get stuff moved in there and then it's finished! Working on maps, too. I'll do that this week and get those done.

Next week my focus is my office downstairs. I think that's just going to have to be a regular thing until people put things back where they are supposed to. Ugh. But hopefully if I move the desk around and create some better space that will help. That's the goal anyway. I'm excited. I think I feel extra motivated because of how well the last month has gone upstairs. Yay!

Well. Just felt good and wanted to share. :) Thanks for reading.

bad poetry still speaks my truth

i heard you when you called me but i didn't want to go.
i felt the pull inside me yet i chose not to know
the name, the feel, the tug so strong, the obvious reply.
instead i turned my heart away and tried not to question why.

my heart, you see, was much too strained. i could not bear more.
so when i heard the call again, i firmly shut the door.
i lost myself in worlds of light that flashed before my eyes.
i wouldn't get in deep, just far enough that i could rise

and shake my head free from what i'd seen, but never make it stay.
i'd change the app or close my eyes and it would go away.
there's too much noise, i told myself, yet willingly i'd return
to the deafening screams of those who's voices i could not discern.

i'm not sure how you reached me, trapped inside my head
where i'd stay for hours fighting demons who see red.
but suddenly i felt a peace and knew as i knew before
that there is more than just this world and facebook. so much more.

i remembered a time much simpler, not so long ago,
when if i had a problem there was One to whom i'd cry.
the call i heard, it came from Him, i knew that in my core.
i was no longer afraid, there was no more disguise.
you see, there is a feeling that i get sometimes when i pray
a feeling of tenderness and love, a desire to help me learn
that when i'm feeling lost and sad, i can move ahead
when i rely on my Savior, Lord to reach the distant shore.

this is important

I was putting away the dishes and had a very distinct impression to stop, sit and write. I pushed it off for a second because now the dishes may not get finished but immediately words filled my head and I knew if I didn't start getting them down, well, I'd miss an important opportunity.

Know this: You are Important.
You. Yes. YOU. You, right now, reading this.
You are Important.
Not important. Important. Necessary. Needed. Loved.

Maybe you don't feel that way. Maybe today has been the Worst. Maybe today is another in a series of Worst Days.
I understand that. Those are hard. So stinking and awful hard.

Maybe you don't feel loved. Maybe you've been betrayed. Probably you feel hurt and confused by the negativity surrounding social media. Have you asked yourself if there is any point in trying to love people so determined to hate?
I'm there now, too. I feel stuck. I hate feeling stuck.

Maybe you feel there is no point.
Maybe there is no point.

But then . . . why? Why . . . at all? I mean, if there's no point then . . . why?

What I think? There is a point. Do I know what it is? For me, yes. For you? Maybe not.
Can I always see it? No. Do I get frustrated when it seems unattainable? Absolutely. Have I wanted and tried to give up? Yes.

What brought me back?
Love.

You see, I may not know you. And so it's hard for me to say to, probably a total stranger, I love you. I'll be real, I have trust issues. HUGE ones. So it's hard for me to say I love you even to people who I know. Cuz that's big for me. I don't say it if I don't mean it.

And that was hard for me. I read articles, stories, messages from people who said they loved me. But they didn't even know me! How could they love me?! They'd never seen me - never pictured me - never thought of me as ME. That can't be love.

Until one time I was reading a poem given to me by a person I loved. And as I read that poem, I felt their love coming through it, and I felt an even greater and bigger Love, too. You can call it what you want - Universe, Good Thoughts, Karma, Buddha - I call it God. Specifically, Heavenly Father.

You see, I know that my Heavenly Father loves me. I also know that He loves you. Maybe you don't know Heavenly Father. Maybe you haven't had a good father figure to help you get to know a Heavenly Father. Maybe, like me, it's hard to trust what you can't see and someone who doesn't know you.

Maybe, when you're all alone, you feel truly alone.

I've found, for me, that's when my Heavenly Father is the closest. That's when I find Him holding me together - broken, bandaged, bruised. That's when His love fills me up and tells me to go forward another day.

Because of Him, I can love. And I can give that love to you.  Maybe you don't know Him, maybe you don't know me, maybe it's hard to believe that I can send you His love when you don't know either of us. But He knows you. He sees you. He is with you, right now, right where you are no matter where that is. He is right beside you. He knows you and I think you'll be surprised if you look to find Him there that you know Him, too.

And even if no one else on this earth cared. Even if you really were just one and didn't have any family or friends or really seriously any one person. . .

you'd have me. And you'd have me because we have Him.
I am Important to Him. You are Important to Him.
You are Important. You are Loved.

hard to describe

I had a day where I was feeling sorry for myself.

You see, we'd been praying long and hard for an answer to a question - a BIG Question - about our business. This Question involved spending a lot of money to do a project to restore the walls & ceiling of the theatre. We've been saving up all year, got bids from contractors and were ready to give them 8 weeks to finish the job - plenty of time.

Then COVID happened and life stopped.

First, we put off the project saying can you do it in 6 weeks? then 4? Turns out, they could! so we left it at that for a minute while we planned to postpone 'Peter Pan' and see how the month of May went. The problem was, with social distancing measures, there was no way we would be making money on 'Peter Pan'. We were at 40% capacity. We managed to pay for the production itself, which is a miracle to be hallelujah'd through the air, but did not make the money we needed to finish paying for the project.

So we started dropping items from the list - just one color on the ceiling, no fancy work; we won't be running wire for additional sound and light projects in the future b/c while the wire isn't too expensive (actually it is) the labor is very expensive. Even though now is the perfect time to run the wire when we're doing the walls, it's not when it drains the limited funds. We won't be moving lights because we aren't buying more lights. We are cutting and sewing fabric lengths ourselves cuz hiring someone to do it takes money. Lots of little things have added up and I've been frustrated.

I was doubting we should do the project. From a business stand point, it makes sense that while we are shut down anyway and unable to do our usual summer camps, we should take this time to do our improvements rather than shutting down for a second summer next year. Lots of sense. Not a lot of trust and definitely not a lot of money.

I had the very firm impression on this day that I needed to ask for help from the community. So the theatre's Facebook post that day asked that if anyone had the means, a donation of $5 would go a very long way and if 800 people did that - we would meet our $4,000 goal which is what we need to have the money for the project.

I was immediately overwhelmed by the response. Mostly people donated between $5 and $20 depending on family size. People I haven't heard from in a year or two donated, people who don't even live in Vernal donated! And then some donated more - $50, $100, $300, $500. It blew my mind. I couldn't believe the generosity and the willingness to give. It was shared on Facebook like crazy and received a dozen positive and encouraging comments.

We raised almost $2,000 in just one day.

But I still felt grumpy. (I know, I'm terrible.)

I had a friend come to the theatre to give me a check donation. She said "We want to see it done, too." as I thanked her over and over again. She said "It's ok, one project at a time and it will all happen."

I sullenly thought if I were a non-profit and had access to a million grants it could all have happened already!

I was to meet the painters at 1pm. I wasn't sure what to expect. I went down, gave them a key to the door, and left after they asked a couple questions and started putting plastic over the chairs. As I walked to the door, I felt a tightness in my chest and took a couple of quick breaths trying to calm the anxiety of leaving a key to my building and worries of them not locking the doors behind them.

I got to my car and the tight feeling got warm. I felt bubbles of excitement in my stomach and realized this is it, too late to turn back now. And instead of that feeling scary as it had for the last month, it brought so much joy. I wish I could describe the all-encompassing squeezing that I felt as soon as I realized that I was having a Spiritual Experience. From my head to my toes, I felt completely enveloped in light and warmth and comfort and security. My insides were bursting with happiness as my heart pounded and my throat tightened and my eyes wettened. ;) I had to take deep breaths to stop myself from sobbing as I drove toward home.

The closest I can get to an experience maybe you've had is if you've cried at the end of a long, hard movie with a happy ending - knowing the characters deserve that happy ending, dang it, and there will be more long and hard in front of them, but right here, right now, everything is good and we are loved.

I KNEW in that moment how much God loves me and my little theatre. I FELT His arms around me, strengthening me, reassuring me, giving me a proud hug that I'd stuck to the right thing despite the worldly doubts surrounding me. THAT MOMENT was . . . profound. Spiritual. Indescribable.

And perfect. Personal. Lightening. Incredible.

I'll never forget it. <3

intent to divide

So as I have been thinking more about the things going on in the world right now, a phrase was brought to my mind late at night that I couldn't shake. It stayed there and this post practically wrote itself at 11:30pm in my mind. I only hope I can do it justice in the morning while conscious. Ha! But it really has stuck with me and I feel it is so important to share. I hope that it changes my life and my perspectives, giving me clearer direction and information as I try to navigate all the information.

Intent to divide.

That's the phrase. That's the question I'll be asking myself before I look at posts, before I read comments, before I let any personal frustration become a motivator for what I do. What is my intent?

Now, I feel as though it can be almost impossible for one person to determine another's intent. I have had people completely misunderstand something I said or did and it takes a lot of communication to be able to get on the same page and figure out how to do better. I have looked at others and judged them based on something they wrote or said and later realized how my judgment was incorrect. Sometimes it was seeing something bad in a place someone was trying to do good, but I've even erred on the side of seeing good where actually someone was deliberately trying to manipulate for something bad. It takes practice and a lot of spiritual discernment to find boundaries and appropriate ways to express.

I think this is really important to start with because we are all different people. How I respond to something when I'm angry may be totally different than how you respond to the same thing when you are angry. And depending on the time of day, how well I've eaten, what my surroundings are - all these things influence how I respond and how I see the world around me. I am not saying that I am going to be judging people for what they write or say - I can't. I don't have that wisdom. I don't have an omniscient eye to see into people's hearts and know exactly what they meant by what they said. That's where communication comes in.

Unfortunately, we cannot always communicate. If an article is published, I can write to the author, though the chances of response are slim. So, I need to make an initial decision as to how I perceive the article and its effects on me. This is where intent to divide comes in.

You see, there is so much good in this world. There really is! Are there people and organizations and groups who have made mistakes? Of course! Guess what - that's life, those are humans, and that won't change. What we DO need to decide is if these people and organizations and groups are doing their best - not our best, not my best, not what I think should be their best - THEIR best to make a positive change and use their influence for good.

There is also a lot of hate. There is a lot of anger. There is so much fear. Fear from both the "good guys" and the "bad guys" - that we'll do something wrong, that the "other side" will win, that we cannot express our feelings because we won't be understood, that opinions vs facts is an unending debate.

There is a lot of truthful information, there is a lot of false information. There are a lot of people (myself included) who share a post without checking resources, facts, or digging deeper to know the motivation behind who wrote/videoed/created the post originally. There are things that have been warped and changed to meet agendas of those who enjoy seeing a country and her people at war with each other, because they profit from war. They profit from donations sent to organizations that look great on the surface, they profit from mass hysteria buying out essential products, they profit from the sale of "me vs you", and they are capitalizing on it right now.

So, what I can do to better myself and those around me, to protect my family and to educate us in being better people in this world is to decide if there is an intent to divide in what I am reading or seeing.

Is the article written to pit me against my neighbor? my husband? my family? my gay friend? other white people? women? men? members of religious institutions? leaders of religious institutions? colored people? children? teachers? law enforcement? politicians? Is the article written to turn me against humanity? to emphasize only what is wicked? to point out certain people who are "wrong"?

If so, I won't read it. I won't read the comments. I will not allow what someone has written to divide me from my humanity, from my family, from the good that I know is in my community.

But if the article is written to point out that there are flaws? Yes. I'll read it. If it calls for changes and reforms that ask for unification and coming together to be better - I'll listen to it. If it causes me to look deeper into myself and decide if I like what I see? I'll do the hard work because that is my responsibility as a good citizen, friend and family member.

There are good questions being asked - questions about government and its control, questions about racism and how it effects those around us, questions about what kind of world we want to give to our children. I love these questions! I love that neighbors are standing up for each other. I love seeing people praying together, for each other and for our country. I love hearing about acts of service and protection from everything as tiny as a virus or idea to as big as a falling building.

We cannot allow I cannot allow these questions to be asked by people who will use them to tear us apart, to divide us. If the intent in asking these questions is to further widen the rift instead of to heal and bring us together, I won't support it. I can't.

Instead, I will be asking the questions and doing the hard work in ways that will bring my closer to my friend who has different views than me. I will be stretching as she and I try to understand each other, looking at facts and figuring out feelings and unifying, not separating, in our work for a better world. I believe that's really how it gets better and when we become our strongest - together. Not apart. Don't let fear, hate, anger, or agendas divide you. I am worried that I am divided from myself when I allow these things to take root in my heart.

My intent is to unify. To share that I have great love for the people in my family, my community and my country. I hurt and cry and worry when I see injustice and turmoil. Yes, I do get angry - and there is righteous anger! That kind of anger though brings us together to work for a better world. It doesn't divide us into corners of the internet to spew cruelty at each other.

What is the intent of the media you consume? What is the intent of the articles you read? What is your intent when you share that post?
What is your intent?

i won't accept it

I saw a post by a girl named Sydney who I follow on Instagram that I really loved. It talked about a witness she has received that she, herself, has been prepared for this time. That God sent her to earth now to be a mother, to be with her family, to have these hard experiences and to grow and make changes and influence her people for good. She mentioned 2020 specifically as being the year to dig deep and find what is real and give fully and completely to living. She referenced growth she has done as a result of changes her family has made during COVID-19 and personal changes she is making in regards to the Black Lives Matter movement over the last couple of weeks.

The post made me feel uplifted and encouraged. I realized that I, too, have been prepared by God to live in this time. My family, my daughter, my friends - all these people are here on earth with me right now for a reason. We are together in this pandemic, in these crises, in this time of bountiful spirit being poured out on the earth.

Then I saw a comment that saddened me.

It said "How dare a white Mormon woman talk about Blacks". 

I knew better, but I followed through and read several comments. (I never do that just on policy because it makes me so angry.) What I noticed discouraged me even more. Several women identified themselves as white, non-Mormons and belittled Sydney for daring to try to understand Black women. They said white women are the worst in history for what they have done. They called her names, criticized her family and were just plain ugly with their words.
Meanwhile, several other women identified themselves as persons of color and said how much they appreciated Sydney's post and thought it was uplifting and gave them peace.

WHAT THE HECK, PEOPLE.

What kind of world do we live in where we feel we have the right to tell other people how to use their influence? (Politics aside.) To go to a girl on Instagram and say to her "I am a white woman. You have a lot of white women on your feed, you need to do better at educating them" . . . WHAT?! I have a lot of questions (see previous post) and absolutely no answers. What I do know, deep in my soul, is that tearing apart someone else's journey is NOT the answer.

I have dear friends with whom I disagree. I have family members that I do not see eye to eye with. We talk about hard things until we can't. When we can't talk any more, we move on and do something else. We don't sit and belittle and criticize someone else's journey. How dare we? How have we become people who feel it is ever ok to be so cruel?

If you disagree, don't comment. If you don't like it, don't follow it. If you're sick, stay home! Is this not common sense?

I get so frustrated and so sickened by the meanness of social media. I refuse to accept that MY narrative, MY story, MY journey has to look a certain way because someone else says so. I refuse to believe that my growth is only valuable if I'm doing it as dictated to me by a person who probably doesn't know any more than I do. I refuse to stop posting good things in fear that it "takes away" from the focus on someone else's pain. Do I need to acknowledge their pain? Yes. Do I need to try to sympathize as I can, maybe recognize my own inner fallacies so I can make this world a better place? Absolutely. Do I need to stop sharing things that bring joy until the person in pain deems it appropriate? NO.

We mourn. We struggle. We hurt. And I pray that each of us when going through these hard h a r d times has someone to turn to in the the daily fight for survival. I pray that your pain is noticed. I pray you are validated for feeling what you feel. I also pray that you let me be with you as much as I can be and then realize that I am not you and need to have my own experience. Some experiences are closely shared - married couples, families, siblings, friends - I have been through things that are cemented in my mind because another person was there. I have also been through times where I have felt completely alone. Do I sometimes feel worse when others are still happy when I'm hurting? Yes, of course I do! We human beings like to be miserable together. Do I also appreciate knowing that there is happiness on the other side of the sadness? Yes, I definitely do.

I will not accept someone else telling me that because my growth looks different than theirs that it is not valuable. I will not surrender my free will to anyone who tries to shame me. I am always open to correction - done with kindness and love. Meanness and cruelty are tools of the devil. Gentleness and mercy and, perhaps most importantly, forgiveness are the tools of God. That's what I choose.

I have a lot of growing to do. I can do better at SO many things in SO many areas of my life. I look forward to the challenge.

questions

This is a hard time in our world. I, like many, have an unending supply of questions encompassing all the whys, hows, whats and in-betweens. I find myself searching for answers in articles, in statistics, in conversations with friends and families, in comment threads, and even in radio ads. As my search continues to yield unfruitful results and dissatisfaction reigns, I am grateful to be reminded that God has all of the answers. Yes. ALL of them. His power and His knowledge are immeasurable. He knows everything - not because He sees the future, because He lives in an eternal now. What an incredible thing.

In an attempt to clear my head, here are many of the questions I am wrestling with:

- Will Hannalyn talk like she talks now when she goes back to school (cuz she's doing SO WELL right now)?

- When local, state, and federal government guidelines & policies disagree or contradict each other, which do I follow?

- Why do I feel like I'm suffocating when I wear a face mask?

- How do other people get such beautiful gardens?

- How can I be a better listener?

- Do I have "white privilege" if I've lived in a rural town where the only children who were not white were Native American?

- Can I support positive changes for people of color without thinking George Floyd is a martyr?

- What do I do about the pigeons living in my marquee?

- Will my business make it through the summer? Will my dad's business?

- Where do I find people who are musically inclined and want to share their talents?

- How can I better balance my understanding of illness & disease with the feelings of others?

- How did I get so blessed to have an amazing family?

- When will I do my first handstand and quit wimping out about it?

- Am I brave enough to ask the hard questions?

- Why won't our grass grow?

- Where is the reassurance that who I vote for will do the job they've promised?

- Do I really want to buy a truck? And then a trailer?

- Will we ever go back to "normal"? What if I don't think the "new normal" is sustainable?

- Is it altitude sickness or allergies that I get when we go up the mountain?

- How can I better support my siblings?

- Will my businesses ever support my family? Without needing other income?

- Why does Hannalyn get skin irritation?

- How can I work toward understanding people I disagree with?

- Does anyone else feel the Book of Mormon Come Follow Me study has matched world events?

- Am I going to really post this list?

I don't need answers. I've got a wonderful God and a wonderful set of scriptures that take my mind and focus. I feel so grateful and blessed to know that He loves me.

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writing for Daniel (part 2)

She wasn't sure how long she had been sitting on the stairs, but the sound of a car door opening and shutting caused her to lift her head from her arms. Time is short, she reminded herself, Cry later.

Standing quickly, she unslung the purse from her arm, put it beneath the railing where her initials were, adjusted her clothes and with a deep breath walked up the stairs.

As she reached the landing, she automatically turned to the left, then paused. She shook her head, a wry twist of her lips on her face and turned back to go the other way down the hall. Just a couple of steps later, she paused again and looked back toward the door furthest away. A small hallway, there were several doors. Two stood open just enough to give her a view of tiled floors, white-washed walls and a small vanity peeping around the corner. The bathrooms were kept simple on purpose. Two other doors were closed, but containing only towels and sheets they held no interest. She lingered just a moment, then made a fast decision.

Walking briskly toward her first objective, she paused briefly at the door before turning the handle and walking in. Even though she hadn't been in this room for years, and even then not often, the smell of honey and lilac gently tickled her nose. Not strong, as it had been, but undoubtedly clear. She walked toward a large window facing the front walk, pulled back the curtains and opened it wide. Warmth and sunlight flooded the room, dust motes dancing as though relishing the fresh air. She leaned out and called, "Give me a few extra minutes!"

"Is everything ok?"

"Yes, I just . . . need a few more minutes."

A slight pause and then, "Alright."

Pulling her head back in quickly to avoid any longer delay, her eyes scanned the room. It was just as she knew it would be - immaculately tidy, the bed made and appearing to have been recently swept. The only things missing were a book on the bedside table and fresh flowers in the vase beside it. Those, and all other personal touches that would have made it clear that the room was being occupied. Determined to think about that later, she left the room, leaving the door open behind her and sunlight following as she went back into the hall. She strode to the furthest door on the opposite end of the hall, and, intending to walk straight in, was surprised to find herself hesitating and with hands clenched at her sides.

She looked behind her and could hear sounds coming from outside the now open window. Time was short. If she wanted to do this alone, this was the only chance. With shaking hand, she turned the doorknob and opened the door.

how it shook out for peter pan

Oof.

It's been a WEEK. Well, really it has been a stinking hard M O N T H. And yet, I find myself in a strange position of not being able to complain. Well, I could, but I don't want to. I don't need to. I feel good about things. Most things. Usually. ;) As good as I do when I'm stressed and uncertain about the future.

HA.

This is an update for my loyal fans (missing you, Grandma Jackson!) regarding how Vernal Theatre: LIVE's performances of Peter Pan went despite COVID-19. To sum up: AMAZINGLY WELL.

I was terrified it wasn't going to happen. Honestly. If it weren't for my mom, it probably wouldn't have happened. She never lost faith. She kept sending me scriptures and quotes from General Conference talks that encouraged me to keep going. My mom is truly the greatest and 100 percent the reason that we continued with this production. I owe it all to her. Completely. Man. What a dynamite gal.

Very last minute, the Governor made the decision to move Utah to "Orange" or "Moderate Risk". This meant that in-person operation of theatres is allowable under strict conditions - all of which we were prepared to follow. So we social distanced those who already had tickets and did all other orders by phone. I seriously wanted to chuck my phone away after the first morning an so many calls - which is so great that I got so many! also I was sick of it. Blessings, though. We only did phone orders so that it would be easier for me to assign seats rather than trying to let patrons do it and having to block off seats anyway or move them if they sat too close. It was a good solution and one I hope we never have to do again, but I know that I can do it if needed. We sold about 40% of our capacity, or about 100 seats. One night we got 123 people in there because everyone came in big groups - WAY better than in pairs or singly. Ugh. We were pretty excited about that.

And everyone loved it. Or at least, I've only heard that they loved it.

I almost cried every night when the audience would cheer the first time Peter would fly. My heart seriously would pound so hard and fast and I felt all the gratitude for the most magical awesomeness. My cast was beyond phenomenal - to come back after six weeks of "online rehearsal" (what a joke) and STILL be memorized and work their tails off to open up a show that the theatre could be proud of just one week later! Seriously, so proud of them and their work. 'Peter Pan' is a show I would do with this group of people again in a heartbeat. I loved them and I loved them doing it. The audiences left so uplifted and so happy. I feel so grateful that we had the opportunity to spread some hope and cheer.

There is a quote I shared with my cast from a review written after 'Peter Pan' opened on Broadway in 1906 that goes something like this (yes, I'm paraphrasing- you can find the actual on my instagram):
New York needed Peter Pan. The show came at one of those times where the world was concerned to a morbid degree with things going wrong. . . . At this time came Peter Pan, reminding us to look at life through the eyes of a child.
What more timely quote could there be? The world has been concerned to a morbid degree with all the things going wrong. Of course I'm not saying we shouldn't be concerned. There is also more to life than COVID-19. I was distraught the night I turned to Daniel and said "What did we talk about before COVID? We talk about nothing else." What an awful way to live. How much happier and better is life when we focus on the hope and happiness that comes from having faith. When we think about our happy thoughts, love our families and see life the way a child does - what an incredible blessing.

We sold out six performances of 'Peter Pan' and continue to have many asking us to bring it back - either to see it for the first time or a second. Vernal needed 'Peter Pan'. Heck, NASHELLE needed 'Peter Pan'. I needed those people, I needed that story, I needed that hope.

I feel so blessed that we were able to perform at all! I feel so grateful that people were willing to come - about half of them in masks and half without and all smiling at the end. I feel so fortunate to have been able to give to my community in such a real and powerful way.

God's hand was in this show from the beginning - selection of the show and production team, decisions about how the show would go made a year ago, casting, blocking and choreography and rehearsal schedules - all of it. He was in every detail. Wow wow wow.

I pray I never forget how amazing this month has been and how grateful I am for my God who loves me so very much. <3

about women

I saw a post the other day that was interesting. It was about women and how we need to support women speaking up and making sure that they feel listened to and validated, specifically in church settings.

Disclaimer: I didn't actually read the article, but this is what I gathered from the person who posted it and those who commented on it.

One person left a very lengthy comment on it, detailing how she felt that the lack of support of women was one thing that drives her away from the Church of Jesus Christ. She listed specific moments - not hearing a woman speak in sacrament meeting while growing up, her Young Women leaders being overruled by the bishop or Young Men leaders, her dissatisfaction with not knowing the name of Heavenly Mother, and the lack of women in the Book of Mormon, among others.

Well, I've been thinking about it a lot and I saw a lot of really positive comments on the post. I saw women who were reminded they also need to support women - it doesn't fall back on men to uphold women. I read about women wanting to work in tandem with their male counterparts and do good things. I also saw replies to the particular comment that stuck with me about Heavenly Mother not being named because of the sacredness of Her name and how that was still dissatisfactory, etc.

I have been the subject of prejudice myself, particularly in business and on leadership teams while at college. I had to struggle against people who looked at me as "a girl" and wouldn't give me a chance. I was in one meeting trying to get a loan to purchase the Vernal Theatre and one man addressed my dad and said "Why would you back this girl who doesn't have any credit to her name? What do you get out of it?" I was furious. The man didn't know my dad was my dad, and when he found out was silent the remainder of the meeting.

However, I feel as though in church settings I have been pretty fortunate to have good examples. While I was treated differently and hated my time in Young Womens because I was the bishop's daughter, I remember lots of women speaking in our ward and looking up to several of my teachers who were very wise in doctrine. I was very grateful in particular to one of our primary choristers, one of my primary teachers and one of my Sunday school teachers to their influence in keeping me aware of the Spirit in my life.

I suppose that's why I don't worry much about there not being much mention of women in the Book of Mormon. One thing I always remember is that there were TWO sets of plates - one that compiled a history of the people and one that was about spiritual matters. I obviously have no doctrine or knowledge to back it up, but I suspect that the history of the people contains more mention of women both specifically and generally. What we have now doesn't because it was more journal writing and noting of specific spiritual experiences and missionary experiences rather than "today my wife and I ..." I can extrapolate in my imagination enough to realize that women WERE present and their examples give me strength.

I also don't get worried about not knowing Heavenly Mother's name. I have found several instances in the scriptures that I believe are references to Her and they are very poignant and special to me. I don't need to know Her name to know that She is my Mother and She loves me.

I want women to get the credit they need and to be listened to. I always tell people to not ask my opinion if they don't want it - because I will give it. Sometimes that has gotten me into trouble as I say what others don't want to hear. I also am confident in what I can or cannot offer to a situation and will give accordingly. I am happy to be a contributor or happy to observe. I want my time and my worth to be of value - something I work with each cast at the theatre on as we work to schedule and create amazing art.

As we get ready for Mother's Day tomorrow, I want to promise myself that I will be better at taking care of the women around me - all women. When someone shares their opinion, I want to give it weight and appreciate it. I want to support and uplift those around me by utilizing what they have to offer and being considerate of their time and value.

re: communication

*This is written on April 15, 2020 to local officials during the COVID-19 pandemic. Vernal, Utah is a rural city in northeastern Utah near Wyoming and Colorado. Vernal is a three-hour drive from Salt Lake City, Utah. I am writing it by request after many long talks about our current situation. I am a white, Christian woman, born and raised in Utah. I have a Bachelor's Degree in Early Childhood Education from Brigham Young University. I am thirty years old and started a business four years ago. I am an active participant in my community, supporting activities and schools. I vote and am an upstanding citizen. I begin with this to show that, while my life experience is small, I am well-educated and do my best to be informed about subjects that effect me, my family and my community.

Dear Local Leaders,

I am a business owner in Vernal, Utah. I started my business four years ago with the purchase of a historic building in our downtown. I love our community and am committed to making Vernal a wonderful place to be. I participate on several committees and am a law-abiding citizen and business owner. I am concerned with how the COVID-19 pandemic has been handled in our area.

My business, as well as many others, has been negatively impacted by this pandemic. We have lost money and been unable to help other small businesses who depend on us to sell their goods. We have been unable to hire workers and have struggled to make ends meet. This is not an uncommon situation at this time, but one that I worry we are not more engaged in fixing.

No one can predict pandemics. This one in particular seemed to strike with a fierceness unprecedented in decades. The world has been taken by storm and has suffered as a result. All we can do is the best we can with the knowledge we have, and sharing that knowledge is crucial to current and future success and recovery. It is with this in mind that I am writing, hoping that, should we face another pandemic in our future, we can do things a little bit better. My focus is on communication.

As a business owner in Vernal, Utah, I am required by both the city and state to have an updated and accurate business email and phone number. This information is requested from me yearly when I renew my business license and register my information. It is also requested from all other business owners with whom I have spoken. My business email and phone number are also required for me to be part of our local Chamber of Commerce as well as required by our Health Department. To put it plainly, the governing bodies of my city, county and state all have access to every business owner's email address and phone number.

My question is: Why haven't they been used to share information?

Throughout the progression of the pandemic, I have received 100 percent of the information about the virus through Facebook and researching sources found there. I have not received any updates from the state, county, health department or city about measures being taken that concern me and my business directly from those creating the directives and orders. I have received a total of two (2) emails from my local Health Department - both sent days after orders were issued. One was received March 23 and the other April 3. Both contained an attachment to the email containing an issued order and simply stating that if there were questions to please respond by email.

Now, information has been changing quickly. Updates, especially in mid-March, came daily and often hourly as health care workers and government officials struggled to learn about and respond to a continually developing situation. However, as updates were made by our State School Board, I was pleased to receive automated phone calls regarding my daughter's schooling and the how the situation was being handled. Never detailed, but always accurate, the phone calls would explain what to expect for the upcoming week(s) and give the most updated information available at the time.

Why haven't we done this for our businesses?

It is irresponsible and unrealistic to expect a business to successfully change their mode of operation in less than 24 hours. And that is assuming that the business got the updates. When I have asked my family members who work for the Health Department and local government how I can stay up-to-date on information, they encourage me to turn to Facebook. When did Facebook become a legal and authorized method of communication? It does not say on any business document or registration form that we need to follow the local health page on Facebook in order to be sure we are following appropriate guidelines. Facebook is not sufficient communication, especially in emergency situations.

What about individuals who do not have Facebook? Business owners who are scrambling to save their businesses and are not checking social media? How are they getting the essential information they need to keep themselves and their customers safe?

To answer simply, they are not getting that information.

We have done an immense disservice to our business owners in our community by not communicating with them in timely or effective ways. It would be so simple to set up a group email or an automated phone call to go out to all business owners. The city, the health department and the state all have that information - it is required on business applications. And yet, more time is put into making graphics for display on Facebook than into communicating with the people and businesses who are the life-blood of our community.

There was no effort made to communicate with business owners. I know from talking to several others that my business is not the only one scrambling to keep up and figure out the new "rules" for operating. It is shameful that directives and orders can be sent out on Facebook and "legalized" for all businesses to follow when no other effort is made to make sure that those businesses know about the changes and given opportunity to implement them. It is disappointing that we care so little about the success of the people in our community that we don't even give them a chance to learn the information before creating discipline for non-compliance. It is frustrating that in this digital age with all the conveniences we experience that we have lost common sense and good practices.

I pray that our world never has to suffer through a pandemic again. As we navigate and learn from our mistakes now, I also pray that should there come a time where the common good again has to be enforced, we will make sure that communication is done in a better way. If we do not have our community, we have nothing. Community requires that everyone look out for each other. We can do better.

Hoping for a brighter future,
NJ

celebrating 100 days

This is a post about me celebrating my improved health. If you do not want to read about a thin girl struggling with self-esteem, weight and fitness, then this post is not for you. I'm laying it all out here because I feel scared to on other platforms due to being judged. However I feel it important to share and so I am writing it as best I can.

My whole life I have struggled with self-esteem. The only times in my life I remember really feeling good about myself and my body in particular were: Junior year of high school and at Snow College. As I had a hard time this last year with my body image and especially how I felt vs how I wanted to feel, I came to the (not so shocking) conclusion that the two times of my life I felt best about myself were the two times I was doing the most FOR myself.

My junior year of high school, I was involved with dance classes during and after school in addition to running 20 minutes every day for the musical. At Snow College, I pretended I wasn't self-conscious and so ended up gaining a lot of confidence just from pretending to be, which was cool, but I also was very heavily involved in the Arts. Man, I wish I could have had a step tracker back then and when I was at BYU to track walking all over those campuses. I bet that 10k would have been done by 10a. Haha. I was dancing every day for at least 3 hours, and when I was in the musical that doubled. I was singing and using my body in theatre and really quite physical, which is kind of surprising now because I didn't really feel that way then. Now I'm thinking go younger me being all sorts of fit! 

I felt great about my personal "fit"ness after I got married and while teaching school, even when pregnant. Obviously my body changed during and after pregnancy, but I was never more self-conscious than I thought I would be and still saw myself positively. When I got pregnant in 2015, I immediately gained 20 pounds by 10 weeks. I was a little concerned about that, but knew that it would even out and things would be ok.

This is probably a good place to insert that I don't weigh myself regularly at all. I weighed myself once or twice a year in fitness classes and then once I went to college, I weighed myself on breaks but always with my piggy-backing on my brother. (It's a fun thing we do. No worries.) I've never owned a scale and I have never "worried" about my weight - my whole life I was "underweight" according to my BMI and I thought that was garbage immediately and so never thought much about it. I weighed myself regularly during pregnancy, of course, and so when I got pregnant again started tracking that.

After I miscarried, and the weight didn't automatically go away, I felt extra miserable. Logically, I knew that I needed to do something to help my body but depression held me captive and I never lost the weight. I didn't gain more because that summer we did 'Beauty and the Beast' and I danced in it which turned out to be such a great blessing in terms of keeping me mentally healthy and active physically. But then, those twenty pounds just . . . were. I felt stuck where I was and didn't really care if I lost it or not, my depressed brain telling me if I lost it I'd just get pregnant and gain it back and all sorts of other really awful things. So I continued to do nothing.

Well, fast forward to last summer and I happened to get on the scale one day kind of randomly and I was shocked at the number I saw. So disappointed in myself and upset with my life choices. When I looked in the mirror, I didn't look too bad, but I could see where my clothes didn't fit well and more than that I knew that I was not able to keep up with Hannalyn like I wanted to. All of that compounded on the "number" and I was devastated.

I started attending a yoga class. In part because I was encouraged by my therapist for my mental health and in part because I wanted to prove to myself that I could do it. It is SO HARD and yet has been one of the best things I've done for myself in a long LONG time. Social distancing from yoga has been one of the hardest things. You see, I would try an online thing now and then or watch YouTube videos or whatever but I am not motivated at home by myself. I also struggle going to the gym because I am so very competitive and so very incompetent. Ha! I love running but not during the day and not with other people because I want to be faster than them or go further than them and neither of those things happen. So other "social" workouts were not motivating, in fact they are often more harmful, and I struggle hard with being motivated a) by an online instructor b) at my house with c) my child climbing over and around me. SO!

Yoga has been amazing and inspired and all the best things. The instructor shares a spiritual thought at the end and it is always a message from God to me and I usually cry. I have felt my body getting stronger and doing things I didn't think it could do any more and it's been stellar.

But I wasn't "dropping the weight". I was still chasing Hannalyn and getting wiped out much too quickly.

One night while browsing social media, I saw a post from a girl I follow who was sharing that she'd lost some weight recently. As I looked at the post, I thought how weird it was because I hadn't every thought that she looked like she needed to lose weight . . . and then I saw the before and after picture. It wasn't a lot that she had lost, just about 20 pounds, but it made a difference, and not just in her body but in her face. In the pictures she showed, she went from being posed in a closed off position (still cute, of course) when she was feeling insecure to more open as she was gaining confidence. She mentioned that she was doing it in large part because she was working toward having a healthy body to do IVF for a third time to try to get a baby, but also because she realized that she wanted to feel good about herself. She shared that she was doing three things to lose the weight:
- drinking lots and lots of water
- getting 10k steps in every day
- not snacking / eating healthier
I thought to myself, my never-set-a-goal self Self, we can do that!And my self said, Yes, I think we can.

So I did. The final kicker was weighing myself over Thanksgiving and realizing that I was 40 pounds heavier than my goal weight after having Hannalyn. Also, when I received a makeover for being an "influential woman" (eye roll ;) ) and realized I wanted to look good and wanted to be motivated to get ready and feel good about myself. So at the beginning of December, I wrote FOUR goals in my journal:
- drink a gallon of water every day
- walk 5k steps every day
- stop snacking, or only have one thing ie cookie
- do small exercises for 100 days
With the ultimate goal being to lose 20 pounds by my 30th birthday.

You guys, I DID IT.

It's about so much more than the number. It always is. The number is a benchmark, a way to measure the goal and make sure I reach it. It's been so hard. I have never been great at keeping goals, but my 100th day was Good Friday and I DID IT. It was amazing and felt so great. I even lost eight pounds twice that I gained over Christmas (because I have no self-control around my mom's baking)! On my birthday, I had already met my weight goal but I pushed through and finished the 100 days because I wanted to keep working on and finish the goals.

I was telling one of the three people who I told I was doing this what I was doing and how amazed I was at the changes in my mentality and how good I felt emotionally and she said "Well, of course! Your brain is part of your body, too." And I knew that, but for some reason the way she said that made me KNOW it. You know? Of course your brain is part of your body and of course doing some manageable work outs will make it possible for your brain to feel good, too.

I have been SO worried about the social distancing. I haven't been getting my steps in because I don't go anywhere, I stopped doing the Facebook Live Yoga classes my instructor is doing because they made me more frustrated than uplifted, and while sitting home I haven't been drinking enough water or saying no to snacking. I HAVE been continuing my small exercises (things like squats and crunches - just moving), but I was sure that during these past four weeks I would have gained some weight back. I got on the scale, a little terrified to see but willing to give myself grace, and found that I had lost another pound not gained any! So that felt good.

I want to restate that this is not really about the number. I know that numbers don't mean anything - for example, at Thanksgiving my BMI classified me as "overweight" but I sure didn't look or feel that way. Well, maybe felt it a little, but mostly because I couldn't do everything I wanted to. I am getting to that point now, and I am thrilled to continue on with the good habits that I have established. I hope I can keep getting stronger and feeling better both mentally and physically. I want to keep up with my family and do all the fun things they want to do. I want to be able to dance as long as I can. I want to feel good about myself. And right now, I do! Even if I don't lose weight or even when I put some back on, if I do or don't get pregnant and go through those bodily changes - I have made this good choice for myself and feel the blessings coming from it already. I love it. I really do. It has given me confidence, not just in how I look, but in my ability to do hard things! I set goals and kept them for a long time. I did something I never thought I'd be able to do, improved my self-control, and MET my goals. It's been a truly awesome journey and I feel so grateful and excited.

I'm celebrating 100 days of doing and being better and stronger. I'm loving it. <3

a start

writing for Daniel

As she walked to the door, her hands trembled at her sides. The well-worn path she walked had been recently raked, so her footing was sure. The familiar sound of the gentle breeze winding through the aspen trees normally would have relaxed and calmed. But today, she felt herself reaching inward for peace.

Breathe,she reminded herself. Nice and easy. She felt the tension in her shoulders ease as she soundlessly chuckled and shook her head. Talking to myself again. This bodes well.

The path wasn't long, and delaying would only worry those watching. As she neared the door, she reached in her purse for the keys she had already checked for several times. Pulling out the small ring with only a blue sticky note wrapped around to identify it, she selected one of three keys and grabbed the door knob. The key inserted easily, sliding home as though it had recently been used. Without further conscious thought, just a tightening in her eyes and chest, the door was open and she stepped across the threshold.

Dust danced in the air before her, lit dimly from shuttered windows that couldn't completely block the bright sunlight. Inhaling deeply, she turned and waved to the watchers before gently closing the door behind her. She left it unlocked, though she caressed the worn wood of the door and smiled at the now-empty coat hanger on its back. Turning to face the rest of the house took a moment of time but a force of will.

First, she smiled. Then laughed softly as a breath she didn't know she was holding was released from her chest. And then the tears started. Gentle at first, sliding down her cheeks so slowly she hardly noticed them as her eyes lovingly roved the open room. Memories were here, tucked in every corner, some she had forgotten and that came back with astounding clarity. Others that had been burned so intensely in her mind that she knew coming back would explode them into wakefulness. She slowly walked through the room, not touching anything now, her arms hugged tight around her as she made her way to the stairs.

Her foot placed on the first step, she stopped. Bending slightly to look under the railing, she wiped those gentle tears away. There they were - her initials. Of course they had never been discovered or sanded out. And now the gentle tears became a flood. She sat on the stairs, knowing this time was precious, and wept.

expect a miracle every day

When I was at college, I attended a devotional one day with a speaker from the Q70 named Elder Pearson (I think Kevin?) - no relation. I don't remember much about the devotional except this one line

EXPECT A MIRACLE EVERY DAY

And I admit to being surprised. I mean, how can you expect a miracle every day? Isn't that presumptuous? We now demand miracles from God? And on a daily basis? I was confused and felt unsure as to the truth and validity of the statement. So, I did what I'd been taught to do when something doesn't sit quite right: prayed. That's right. I went home and said something to the effective of Father in Heaven, this person ordained by you to be a leader in the church said that I should expect a miracle every day from you. I don't want to demand that of you. Is that a true statement?

And I could not have been more surprised by the answer I got:

Wait and see.

Well, it wasn't very satisfactory at the time, but as I started watching for miracles in life . . . I started to see them! It's true! I wasn't asking God for a miracle every day. Just regular blessings like make it class on time, do well in school, get the part in a play I wanted, have good friends, that sort of thing. But let me tell you, those things became my greatest daily miracles.

Now, you may be thinking Nashelle, if the Red Sea doesn't part, then it's not a miracle. Just a blessing.

And I would say to you: It's a miracle to me that I am blessed every day, countless times a day, by a loving Heavenly Father.

Most days, I admit, are 'small' miracles. Ones that, to someone else, wouldn't mean much. For example, I regularly express thanks for my car making it to my destination without stalling on the way. That's a miracle to me given the current state of my car. I also give thanks at least twice a week for a body that is getting stronger and a mind that is getting healthier. I acknowledge a miracle when a cast shows up for rehearsal on time and when a show is put on the stage. I feel the presence of God in the miracle of my family - Hannalyn always, Daniel of course, and even our siblings and parents. These may be 'small' 'ordinary' 'every day' miracles, but I propose that they are possibly the most powerful in our lives. They are continual, constant, daily and hourly proof that God is aware of the details of my life and what will help me feel His love.

And then there are the 'big' miracles. Hannalyn is a huge miracle (and a small one - both!). The theatre succeeding is definitely a huge miracle, with small daily miracles that make it to the big one. I mean, I definitely can't and don't do it on my own. A big miracle to me is having enough money for our needs and most of our wants, even though I don't bring in additional income to our family's finances.

Yesterday, my miracle was the blessing of a large backyard for Hannalyn to play in. Today, my miracle was feeling the love of my Savior through some inspired words from my dad.

To me, blessings ARE miracles. There are no coincidences and no accidents. I feel so grateful and so wonderously awed at the goodness of a God who wants me to be happy and sends me miracles every day so that I can see and feel that.

I guess that's why the 'big miracle' of asking for God to heal the world on Good Friday makes an insane amount of sense. Because He's done it before - He parted the Red Sea, He created the earth and all things on it, He died and lived again! There is nothing a virus can do against the power of God, and by delegation, the power of God's worthy people on the earth. We have access to His power and He wants us to use it for good. When we unite in an inspired cause, answering the call of God's prophet, there is nothing we cannot do. It makes sense to me. I am thrilled to be a very small part of bringing it to pass.

THIS is faith in action - expecting a miracle every day, living worthy to receive all the blessings the Father has, and then looking to see what has come. He is in every detail of life and delights in sharing with us His majesty. Look for those daily miracles. I promise you will see them.

if i were the devil

OR another attempt at poetry . . . why?

I remember hearing a poem or short story one time that I wish I remembered more about. It had a title or theme along the lines of "if I were the devil" and talked about things the devil does to discourage and hurt us. It was a cautionary story, warning of sins like lust and greed. I am not sure if it was written in rhyme or not. And since this time, I haven't been able to find it anywhere! It reminded me of The Screwtape Letters by C. S. Lewis, and maybe it came from that work, though I am not sure now.

I've actually had this line running through my head for the last few weeks - ever since I realized how impacted I was by social distancing and the emotional distance that follows. Today, April 6, was the first time someone not in my immediate family has reached out to me since the schools shut down on March 16. The text was thinking of you! and was a balm to my heart. I had again the thought that emotional distancing is very dangerous, very real, and that the devil delights when we do it. I've had this thought several times since mid-March with a couple other bits and pieces of what is now compiled below. I just haven't been brave enough to write it down. As I talked with a couple of people last week, however, I realized that maybe this needs to be said so that I can take away the power of my worries by naming them and then actively fighting against them.

It's written in rhyme-ish. I can't figure out why tragedy makes me wax poetic, but here we go anyway. ;)

if i were the devil
if I were the devil, banished from the Son,
I would delight in havoc and misleading everyone.

I would hear the father's sighs
The mother's cries
And love's goodbyes
I would drag them out quite far, to make them close their eyes.

I would see the dark delight
that comes in spite
of all the right
And I would fill hearts once bright with never ending night.

if I were the devil, I'd make you feel alone.
I'd take your friends and family, your very flesh and bone.
I'd start out slow by giving you technology to use
It'd look like fun, it'd take you time, and eventually you'd loose

Your remaining ties to those once close.
It's so easy! Don't you see?
We can chat around the world
with technology.

And yes, perhaps, some good might come of all of this connection.
But wait until you see the greatest depths of your dejection
When technology is no longer fun, it's forced! by all the world around you.
You have no choice, you've lost your chance to see the beauty near you.

if I were the devil, I wouldn't want you to go outside.
I wouldn't want you with your friends. I'd want you all to hide.
Hide behind your "image" behind your "avatar"
Hide behind your likes and hearts and even filtered stars.

You see, it's easy to destroy a world when you do it one by one.
It's so easy to drive out faith and distract you from the Son.

It's harder when you go outside and see the truth of beauty.
It's harder when you connect in life with spirit and with duty.

So if I were the devil, I'd want you all alone.
Emotionally. Physically. This weight becomes a stone
to drag you down into a pit of never ending night
where once surrounded by the dark you lose your will to fight.

But I am not the devil, and so with you I plead
to fight the fight, to stay the course! For we are guaranteed
that if we do we will survive, nay thrive! despite this cruel deception
and soon this world will be alright with God's divine correction.

He loves us. He sees us. He is waiting for our call.
He just needs our open hearts and He will give us all.

uncles

I got some blonde highlights in my hair almost a month ago now. It was a crazy whim of a decision after meeting up with an old friend who I knew I could trust to do a good job. I wanted something new for being 30, but not too new, and I was thrilled that she said she would do it. I've really loved it. It is still a surprise to catch my reflection or to have blonde bangs in my peripheral vision instead of brunette. I really like it though and it's fun for summer (or will be as soon as it warms up).

About two days after the change, I looked in the mirror and for a brief moment didn't feel good. I was still surprised and I didn't like being surprised. My sister was teasing me rather mercilessly and I was fed up with it. I was questioning the future of my hair (which is such a pitiful small thing) and wondering what I'd do when I audition for a show in August. And . . . I wanted to cry! I had just dropped off Hannalyn at my mom's and so was grateful to be heading on my way out the door to head to the theatre.

While walking to my car, I started thinking about right after I started to wear makeup as a pre-teen and the way my uncles teased me about it. One uncle called me "Neighbor Girl" for years, only calling me Nashelle if he happened to catch me without makeup on (which as a teenager was pretty rare). You know, his reasoning being, Nashelle doesn't wear makeup, this grown up young lady must be the neighbor girl who has tagged along. Where is Nashelle?  While a little bit aggravating to a teen who wanted to be an adult, it also was flattering in a way that my family noticed I was growing up and thought I looked good. I knew that and it gave me confidence.

As this memory came to me, I started thinking about my other uncles and moments where they have given me strength and courage:

- Uncle Jo told me I could drive stick shift in Denver, let me try, and was ready to defend me against an angry driver behind us.
- Uncle Ja always made sure we were prepared for outdoor adventures, and even though he hooked my finger when fly-fishing he was incredibly gentle when he pulled it out. He is also the only one who still calls me Nutshell.
- Uncle D called me Neighbor Girl and always told me I looked good.
- Uncle M taught me to shuffle cards and how to take care of dogs.
- Uncles R & B taught me the importance of having fun, rough housing, not being too sensitive to teasing, and knowing how to balance fun with family.
- Uncle S never treated me like an annoying kid, even though looking back I'm sure I pushed his buttons a lot especially when he brought his new wife to see us.
- Uncle C made me tough, and two of my proudest moments are: 1- being the only person in the family who can beat him at poker and 2- standing up for and defending a controversial subject and holding my own as he questioned what I thought I knew, then him telling me 'good job'.

These all went through my mind in the brief drive to the theatre and I suddenly found myself in tears of gratitude. I felt lifted up as the lessons, fun and memories came to my mind with increased potency. I laughed through my tears as I thought about the wonderful men in my family who have guided me, usually by pushing and prodding me and making me do things I otherwise wouldn't do. I have always felt so safe and I know that I could call on any of them at any moment and they would come and help me. Whether I need help with a fishing hook in my finger or negotiating a contract, learning to drive a stick shift under pressure or navigating the pressures of growing up - they have always been there. I am so blessed to have been able to have such incredible time with my uncles and to know them so well.

And I am so grateful that Hannalyn also has truly incredible uncles. She is so loved by them and even though we don't see most of them nearly as often as we'd like, she immediately forms a connection when we do get together. That gives me comfort.

To all those uncles in my life: I sure love you big goofs. Thank you. Thank you for making me get up again. Thank you for teaching me to be strong and pushing me past my comfort zone to grow and learn. Thank you for never letting me win so I would learn how to do it myself. Thank you for loving me, annoying bossy kid/teen and all. Your influence is a huge part of who I am, and I love it.

asking for help

This was written in October of 2019.

I had a very awesome and humbling experience a couple weeks ago.

I was grumbling about a prompting I had received to ask for help at the theatre. This is nothing new for me. The grumbling I mean, and needing to be prompted to ask from help. By prompted I mean told very clearly that I am not being successful or happy trudging by myself and I need to ask for help. I have a hard time asking for help for a couple of reasons. One- I can do it faster and better than explaining to someone new. Two- I should be able to do it myself. It’s my business, my problem. Three- I hate it when people say no, say yes, or even worse don’t text me back at all. I hate it when they say no cuz it hurts my feelings even though in every text I send I basically ask them to say no. But I’m human and even though it’s never been personal, it’s hard to be vulnerable and ask for help and be told no. I hate it when they say yes because I worry I’m being a huge inconvenience and imposition. I hate it when they don’t text me back because clearly they don’t want me bugging them even at all right? So I major messed up by even texting. Sigh. I’m sure I’m not the only one who feels this way, and it’s just hard.

So never a good answer and my whiny self wishing I had a clone so I really could just do it all myself. I was thinking on all of this when the thought came clearly to mind “I reach out and get told no all the time. Are you better than me?”

Yeah... that smacked me between the eyes.

Now, my invitations and asking for help are nothing near the level of the Savior’s. Not at all. I was just reminded that God knows exactly how I feel. He got told no all the time. He was completely ignored even as He performed miracles.

And yet He never stops asking me to come to Him. He never decides that I’ve had enough chances and so takes away my agency to choose yes or no. He keeps asking. He keeps inviting. And so should I.

things i cannot say / the unpopular opinion

I have an unpopular opinion. I see things differently than most.
I talk to God, He talks to me, and drink chocolate with my toast.
Normally this doesn't bother me, this different opinion that I hold,
Until I am ashamed to talk when I don't fit the mold.

You see . . .
my whole life I've been afraid to be the object of your fun
When you tease me for standing out, not grouping, being one.
Because we group with people who we like and those who think the same,
So it's not your fault we disagree, it's mine. I take that blame.

I like you. A lot. And I want to spend time together
with friends and family doing anything, no matter the weather.
But not right now, of course, because I have to keep my distance.
And what happens when this is posted and you read my stance?

Will you be my friend? Will you understand me?
Will you rage or laugh or scorn this feeling deep inside me?
It's gone both ways, I'm sad to say, throughout my entire life.
It's usually fine, but like today, I struggle with the strife.

I don't like to argue. I don't like to fight.
What then can I do when I stand for what I think is right?
And what is "right" anyway? What is good for you or me?
How is it possible for any ONE to see the right for everybody?

God can, of course, and so learn to trust in Him, His plan.
We learn to love each other and to make a righteous stand.
So what I am about to say, I say with lots of care.
I pray the message flies straight and true like arrows in the air.

Please stop being afraid.
Please stop sharing things that are not about your city/county/state and scaring people who don't source-check.
Please stop sharing information from a week ago - things have changed.
Please listen to the health officials - trusted ones, repeatedly sourced & cited.
Please look at the real numbers.
Please remember that social distance is not social isolation.
Please know that emotional isolation is a very real possibility resulting from social distancing and it will hurt you.
Please check in on your people.
Please pray. Please worship. Please study.
Please don't think "this time" has to look like anything at all. Whether you gain/lose weight. Whether you school or not. Whether you are outside or not. Your life has never looked like someone else's, why are we trying to force ourselves to now?
Please stop the rumor mill.
Please be a friend.
Please create.
Please remember you are loved. When you are most hopeful - you are loved. When you are most scared - you are loved. When you are most content - you are loved. When you are most concerned - you are loved.
You are loved.

I made some significant-to-me life changes from December through now. I haven't shared about them because I am a "thin girl" with no business sharing about my body.
I have not made many life changes with this social-distancing other than focusing more on Hannalyn because she is home more. I haven't posted about that because I'm not "schooling enough".
I have felt sorry for myself at least once a day when I feel as though social-distancing is my life because even when this restriction on social gatherings wasn't in place I still wasn't invited anywhere. (This is not made up - I can count on one hand the number of times I was invited somewhere in the last year, and each time was for work or with my family. So ya, I feel sorry for myself.) But I haven't posted about it because other people have it worse than me.

I have a theory. I'm putting it on the internet for all to see.
The last positive test case of COVID-19 in Utah will be on or before April 8. After that, there will be no more positive tests. *I reserve the right to withdraw this theory if a group of idiots goes and licks sick people. Because, life.
You know what that means? April 8 as the last positive test and then following is TWENTY-TWO DAYS OF ISOLATION because of President Trump's order for social distancing measures to last until May 1. And because people are afraid. And because local government won't be willing to question or test or try.

And really, can I blame them? No. Unfortunately, I admit I do resent them a little.

So what do we do when the world falls apart?
What do we do when life breaks our heart?
How do we pull ourselves together again?
Can we possibly manage this road's bend?

We can. We will. We must.
For we are not fighters who turn into dust.
Our lives become legend to our daughters and sons
Who hear our stories and will someday be the ones

To carry the banner. To stand straight and true.
To pray for courage and to know what to do.
We press on with faith, no matter how dark.
We fight on anyway, because we know our mark.

Our mark is our Savior. His love brings us home.
He is the only one who never leaves us alone.
So when I'm afraid. When I'm angry and screaming,
When I'm feeling content or, more likely, just be-ing.

When I'm proud of myself for not writing a comment
That would stir up the masses like bees in a bonnet.
When I keep my unpopular opinion to myself,
When I feel like my life is waiting up on a shelf,

I take a deep breath. Or two. Or ten.
I take a deep breath, and then do it again.
I look at my daughter and at my best friend.
I pray to God and know it will be alright before the end.




PS If you want to comment about how my words don't really rhyme . . . don't. :)

My birthday is coming up.

It’s a big one. I’m alternately excited and ... not.

I have mixed feelings about my birthday. I love getting to eat a cake, I love the feeling of motivation I feel to do something and set goals. I hate feeling like an inconvenience.

Why would I feel that way on my birthday? Because when I was about 13 years old, after many successful birthdays and loving the attention and only one humiliating experience (the first time I wore khakis and couldn’t get the zipper to go to the bathroom which I was able to turn into a joke on my dad so win!), I was told at my birthday party when I asked another girl why she was crying and if she wanted to play a game “Geez. It’s not all about you.” And I was so confused and hurt because it was my party so, shouldn’t it have been about me? At least a little? Even if she was crying about something else? I was trying to help make her happy.

It was about then I decided I was done with parties and birthdays because I felt she was right- it’s not all about me and I don’t want to inconvenience anyone. That’s been a work of my life- be small, disappear, downplay my success and achievements in the name of humility but really because I don’t want to make someone else feel bad. Focus on other people, don’t be a burden. That’s a good thing right?

(There are so many reasons I go to therapy. Haha.)

Here’s the thing that got me though, and why I think I have the prompting to write this all down now: I am not the only one who feels this way but we never talk about it. It wasn’t until I was reading ‘Girl, Wash Your Face’ this week for the SECOND time that things pointing to this really popped out to me. One chapter talks about the lie we tell ourselves that we should be further along by now. To be honest, that’s one major reason I don’t like my birthday. I feel like I’m failing because I don’t have more kids or I don’t do well enough with the one I have, I’ve never traveled past the Mississippi River and I don’t keep my house clean even though my life is “easy”. And then I feel extra guilt for being bothered by these things when my life is SO GOOD cuz it really is. From the book: “negative self-talk can be more damaging ... and far more insidious because theres nobody there to stop it, since we rarely even realize it’s happening.” Then she brings up God and that she believes His timing is perfect. Luckily, I do, too. “God has perfect timing and it’s highly possible that by not being where you thought you should be, you will end up exactly where you’re meant to go.”



I’ve been going to therapy for two years. Not a place I wanted to be at first- I fought even setting the first appointment so hard for more than a year. Now, I can see so many areas of my life where I am just happier. I don’t depend on others for my happiness and I am not afraid of being alone. I still daily fight depression and anxiety that comes from comparing and worrying, but now I have tools and strategies that remind me I’ve made it through before and I can again.

I’ve learned, through therapy and good books and lots and lots of prayer that I have to be me and stop trying to fit a mold others give me. “Do you really think God made you- uniquely, wonderful you- in hopes that you would deny your true self because it might be off-putting to others? I can’t believe that’s true.” Am I good at this? Not at all. Not yet. I’m improving, definitely, through therapy, consistent Gospel study, an inspired Yoga class where God speaks to me and I cry good tears every time, and trying SO hard to remember that I am not a failure, I am not a mistake.

And neither are you.

I’ve done so much incredible work leading up to my birthday. I set goals- real actual goals- and have met most of them! First time in my life!! Haha.

I keep reading books and posts on social media about discovering your true self, remembering that we are meant to have JOY, and learning how to do those things. (I’m obsessed with personality tests, so it’s been the best couple of weeks. Enneagram anyone? I’m INFJ-T, the Advocate. Want to know a scary lot about me? Look it up. Ha.)

I think it is a huge blessing that this is happening right before my birthday. I have no ideas of this year being perfect. In fact, it’s probably going to be incredibly hard. And if I can’t stop comparing where I thought I would be to where I am, trusting that God is leading me, I could spiral.

But I have so much hope. I have done some freaking awesome things with my life and it is so clear to me how each experience has been brought to me so that I can use it again now. It’s so beautifully orchestrated, it reinforces my belief in a loving Father who wants me to celebrate another year of living and growth.

I am so grateful to be where I am. I am so grateful to have my family. I am so grateful to know I’m not alone and to be on this journey of rediscovering myself, not to stuff me back in the box I’ve used for the last decade, but to open me up and live for joy. Real joy.