I know I will regret not writing about this one day so here it is. We are in the middle of making a very life-changing decision right now. This has been going on for several months now and we are right now at the brink of our decision. I am very uncertain of our future and this decision weighs heavily on me every day. In April there was a shake-up at Dane's company. He has been working there since we moved back to Utah 3 years ago. It was a great company. They treated us like family. His boss knew me and our kids. The CEO sent me a birthday card every year. It was really great. Life was stable, secure, smooth, pleasant. Well, April comes along and BAM! The rug was ripped out from under us. The CEO "resigned" and most everyone got shifted down in position and pay. We were forced to learn a painful lesson in retail. It changes...often...without notice.
Some of these changes is what draws Dane to love this industry. Trust me, he didn't aspire to be a grocery store manager. He kind of happened upon it. He was going to be a banker or a marketer. He has 8 years of banking experience and a marketing degree. So let's work in a grocery store. It's confusing but he has found his passion and absolutely loves it. He loves the fast pace and the challenge of keeping all the balls in the air. He loves that it is physically and mentally challenging everyday. I really miss the banking holidays and weekends with my husband but he is so happy in his career that it makes it worth it.
Back to the story. The big shake-up caused Dane to start putting his resume out there and apply for jobs. He could see that any upward mobility would take very long with his company now. We have had several interviews and phone calls but the 2 that it has come down to is a company called Grocery Outlet and 7-11. 7-11 is a district manager job that Dane would be very good at and like a lot. Grocery Outlet is a different opportunity. We would own and operate our own store. We as in both of us. As in I would have to work and find an equal passion for grocery stores and running a business. NOT what I had envisioned for me or our family. However, as we have become more familiar with the company and the opportunity placed before us, it has sounded better and better. If we can operate a successful store, we will make more money then we had ever hoped for. We would be able to set our own schedules everyday so one of us could be home with the kids. We can teach our kids how to work and earn what they have. We would be able to give in a way we have only dreamed about. The American Dream, really.
The downfall? There are no stores anywhere close to where we live. That means leaving ALL of our family. Selling our house, that we SWORE we would never move out of. Selling most of our belongings because we would be moving into an apartment. Uprooting our kids and leaving the greatest neighborhood and ward anyone could ever want. Those are some hefty sacrifices. Not to mention the risks if we don't have a successful store and it doesn't work out. Then we have lost everything we have worked so hard for in the last 13 years of marriage.
We would be moving to Seattle for about 2 years and after that...who knows? Somewhere in the North West. Washington, Oregon, Northern California. It just depends on where there are new stores opening. It all sounds so crazy but we have already flown out twice to interview with people who are doing it. They all love it. They all admit it is hard work and stressful at times but none of the 15 couples we have talked to would ever go back to doing anything else again. These are all people who have been in the industry for years who had good paying, high-up positions with Target, Walmart, Safeway, Albertsons, Trader Joes. They are all amazing, smart people.
We have done hard and scary before and it has all been worth it in the end. I just thought that part of our lives was over. I thought we did our time, we lived in a few states, now it's time to settle. I don't know if we are settlers. I don't know if we have chosen an industry that won't allow that or if we are being guided to do something different then what we had planned. I have tried and tried to get an answer one way or the other but the feeling I keep getting is that I am smart, I am capable of making hard decisions, and no matter what I chose, the Lord will be with me. I hate that answer. I would like a box checked "yes" or "no". Please.
It is all very confusing. I feel like it is important to be home with my kids. But I am finding it almost impossible to be able to be a stay-at-home-mom on a limited income. I would love to never have to work but I am not willing to sacrifice my kids' future to make that happen. I will do everything in my power to be able to send them on a mission and go to college. I desperately want them to be able to pursue their talents without them having to worry about if we can afford it or not. It doesn't mean that they won't put their fair share in. They will work to get all of those things. So...decisions, decisions, decisions. We don't even have a solid offer from either so maybe we have no choice
at all but this is what has been weighing on me for the last 5 months. I feel like I am about ready to jump off a cliff with either decision. I just don't want to have regrets. But I do have faith that my Heavenly Father won't let me do something I can't handle and I will feel at peace with whatever decision we make. Hopefully I will have an answer soon. I don't know if my emotions can handle this limbo for much longer!
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Remembering 9-11-01
I felt the need to record my memories about September 11. I don't know if I have written them anywhere so the 11th anniversary seemed appropriate. We had gone to Arizona to visit Aunt Nancy (Dane's aunt) and her family. We had a wonderful vacation and visited with Aimee and Ray and Ashley and Jordan. We visited lots of fun places and went swimming. Hailee was our only baby and she was about 6 months old. We were planning on flying home on September 12. We woke up around 7:30 and were getting ready to go out and say hello to everyone. Aimee burst through our door and told us to come out and watch...something was happening. It was 3 hours later in New York so the second plane had just hit by the time we started watching. We watched in horror as the towers came crashing down. I didn't understand and couldn't process what was happening. We spent the next 24 hours glued to the TV. We couldn't stop watching.
The next day we discovered that we would not be flying home...for a while. I began to feel very home sick. I remember wanting to be around those who I loved. I longed to be able to turn on the TV in Utah and see the Prophet. I longed for comfort for words that would help make sense of this horrible thing. I called and talked to my parents and Dane's parents and felt a little better. But I felt a gaping hole. I had fear of raising my sweet daughter in a place that doesn't make sense anymore. How can I feel happy and safe in this world anymore?
We ended up having to rent a car and drive home - 14 hours straight so Dane could get back to work. Soon we got back to normal and life went on. But I will never forget. I will never forget those brave men and women who were rushing into the buildings when most people were running for their lives to get out. I will never forget the stories and sounds from that day. What I have learned is that this world is imperfect but God is perfect. He can comfort in times of need like nothing else can. It is hard to understand but 11 years later I have a small understanding of agency and how it fits into the Plan of Salvation. Although our loving Heavenly Father has the power to stop things like this, it is not part of the plan of happiness. The power for me to chose what I do with my life and how I raise my family is the same power that gives someone the choice to cause pain and death. We must have faith in the mercy and justice of God.
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Hailee Turns 11
Hailee is 11 today. I have been flooded with memories of her birth and her as a baby. Although I get a little sad to look at pictures of her as a baby and miss that baby girl, I am more happy for the person she is now. She is an absolutely amazing young woman. She is a beautiful person on the inside and out. She is a great example to all of her family and friends. She has a clear sense of right and wrong and works very hard to always choose right.
Sadly, I lost about a year's worth of letters to Hailee when our first computer died and I hadn't backed up the files. I told her I would record the memories of her birth so they wouldn't be lost forever. So, here it is...
My baby girl was due on March 16th. I was sure I would have the baby at least 3 or 4 weeks early because that's what happened to my mom. I was sure there was never anyone as big and uncomfortable as I was. There was no way I could possibly get any bigger, right? I was sad to learn at each Dr. appointment that last month that my body just wasn't ready. I went in on March 12th for a check-up. My blood pressure had started going up so my Dr. asked if I could come back that night to get induced. YES!!!!!!! I went home and started cleaning and getting the house ready. My friend, Carrie Tolman brought me lunch and told me to take a nap. I called Dane and told him the good news. He came home from work and we tried to sleep a little bit. It didn't work.
We headed to the hospital at 9:00 PM. I got checked in and hooked up to all the machines. My dad and Dane gave me a blessing. All of my siblings were there. They were just as excited as I was because this was the first baby we would have been around since Allie was a baby. The nurse told everyone that they were going to wait to start Pitosin until about 5:00 AM so everyone should get some sleep and we would probably see the baby the next afternoon. Everyone left and I tried to go to sleep. Around midnight I started to get really uncomfortable. The nurse came in and gave me some Demoral to help with the pain and told me to go to sleep. I was so uncomfortable I just cried and felt so loopy from the drugs. I remember I kept telling Dane that I had to go to the bathroom. So he would help me get unhooked from all the machines and help me and then I would cry because nothing would happen.
Dane kept telling the nurse that I was really miserable. The nurses said I just needed to sleep and I could get an epidural after they start the Pitosin...that's when I would be in labor. FINALLY at 4 AM Dane insisted that they check me because I could barely breathe from the pain I was in...I was dilated to an 8 and moving quickly. They rushed the anaesthesiologist (who couldn't get there fast enough for me). The nurse tried to make me focus and breathe with her and I felt like punching her in the face because she let me go so long into labor that I didn't know if I would even be able to get an epidural in time. He got there and I got that wonderful epidural. My Dr. arrived at about 5 AM, clearly, fresh out of bed and a little grumpy looking. He got there in time for me to push 3 times and there she was.
Dane was a sobbing puddle of mush. So was I. She was truly the most beautiful thing my eyes had ever seen. She had a lot of brown hair and looked like her daddy. I had never felt so close to Heaven. I just wanted her in my arms at all times. I didn't want to sleep or eat. I just wanted to stare at my sweet little baby. Dane called all the grandparents and they all felt the same way. She was perfect. I couldn't look at her without bursting into tears thinking of what a miracle she was. I hated every nurse or Dr. that took her away from me to do any test or anything. I don't think I slept for more than an hour at a time because I missed her. She would be laying in her little bed next to me and I would miss her. She has been pure joy from the moment she was born. I still. eleven years later, get that feeling...I MISS her when she is away from me.
Monday, February 13, 2012
My Day Today
Okay, I just have to vent today. I really don't want to be a big complainer. Normally I really LOVE my job of being a stay-at-home-mom. But like every job, there are moments that are not pretty or enjoyable. I guess I just feel the need to record days like this so when my kids are grown and I am old and bored, I can remember these crazy days!!!
Background: kids have been off-track for a week. We are on week 2 of 3.
It all starts with a printer cartridge. Our printer takes the most expensive ink cartridges so I came up with a fantastic alternative...a store that refills them. Long story short, I returned to the refill store for the 4th time in a week to find out that I am just out of luck. I decide to buy a new printer that takes cheaper cartridges. On the way home, Braden says he is sick. I figure he is car sick so I tell him to rest his eyes and he can lay down when we get home. He vomits into the only thing available at the time...a Goldfish Cracker bag.
Okay, I've dealt with worse. I get him home and bribe Hailee to sit with him while I run to Walmart to buy our new printer. Walmart is so crazy because it is the day before Valentines (which I have not shopped for yet). The printer situation turns into a big ordeal because no one knows what printer I am talking about even though the website says there are printers in the store. Again, long story short...I get a $29 printer, get a few items, and try to keep Kole under control. Oh yeah, he has peed through his clothes and is hungry...I have nothing to remedy either problem.
We get home and Braden is full-blown sick. He is throwing up everything. I am trying to get a nice dinner put together because my husband is FINALLY home on a Monday night. (He normally closes on Monday nights). While trying to make potatoes, breadsticks, and a salad, Hailee is upset because I can't set up the new printer right this very second and she has a FHE to print off. I send Dane out to grill the steaks. Kole pulls out all of the plates and sivlerware from the dishwasher all over the floor. Braden is still puking. Hailee is reminding me that I PROMISED that we would make Valentine cookies for FHE. Dane is trying to schedule his surgery.
Yes. Surgery. He has one working hand right now - it was injured while playing church basketball. I found this information out while trying to talk to printer guy at Walmart. His surgery will be on Thursday. I now have to farm my kids out so I can take him to the hospital. Back to making dinner. While trying to roll out dough for breadsticks, I hear a splashing noise in the bathroom. Kole is playing in the toilet. Lovely. I have to strip him of his gross clothes and wash him off. I finally put the breadsticks in the oven. Braden makes a run for the bathroom and doesn't quite make it. Barf hits the floor and splatters 50 feet in each direction. Dane goes to grab a towel and I try to help Braden get to the toilet. Kole immediately makes a mad dash for the puke on the floor. Again, I sanitize his body and get Braden cleaned up and settled back on the couch.
I am almost done with dinner. I open the fridge to get something and Kole crawls over and instantly grabs a glass bottle of sauce and throws it on the floor...it shatters into a hundred pieces and sticky sauce is all over the floor and under the fridge. I clean it up. We FINALLY sit down to eat at 7:15. Halfway through the meal we try to get Bennett to eat a bite - that's right ONE bite- of a baked potato. It hits his mouth and he gags and throws up all of his dinner. Hailee has lost her appetite so she can't eat. I hardly eat half of my food because Kole had a poopy diaper that I had to change, I got a phone call from the library saying the DVD that we returned didn't have the disc in it and we need to return it tonight. Super!
I still need to make Valentine cookies because my sweet daughter has so thoughtfully prepared a Family Home Evening lesson for all of us and has helped me with whatever I have needed today. So we start making the cookies. Long story short, it all got done in the end and I am exhausted. And it all starts over again tomorrow.
Background: kids have been off-track for a week. We are on week 2 of 3.
It all starts with a printer cartridge. Our printer takes the most expensive ink cartridges so I came up with a fantastic alternative...a store that refills them. Long story short, I returned to the refill store for the 4th time in a week to find out that I am just out of luck. I decide to buy a new printer that takes cheaper cartridges. On the way home, Braden says he is sick. I figure he is car sick so I tell him to rest his eyes and he can lay down when we get home. He vomits into the only thing available at the time...a Goldfish Cracker bag.
Okay, I've dealt with worse. I get him home and bribe Hailee to sit with him while I run to Walmart to buy our new printer. Walmart is so crazy because it is the day before Valentines (which I have not shopped for yet). The printer situation turns into a big ordeal because no one knows what printer I am talking about even though the website says there are printers in the store. Again, long story short...I get a $29 printer, get a few items, and try to keep Kole under control. Oh yeah, he has peed through his clothes and is hungry...I have nothing to remedy either problem.
We get home and Braden is full-blown sick. He is throwing up everything. I am trying to get a nice dinner put together because my husband is FINALLY home on a Monday night. (He normally closes on Monday nights). While trying to make potatoes, breadsticks, and a salad, Hailee is upset because I can't set up the new printer right this very second and she has a FHE to print off. I send Dane out to grill the steaks. Kole pulls out all of the plates and sivlerware from the dishwasher all over the floor. Braden is still puking. Hailee is reminding me that I PROMISED that we would make Valentine cookies for FHE. Dane is trying to schedule his surgery.
Yes. Surgery. He has one working hand right now - it was injured while playing church basketball. I found this information out while trying to talk to printer guy at Walmart. His surgery will be on Thursday. I now have to farm my kids out so I can take him to the hospital. Back to making dinner. While trying to roll out dough for breadsticks, I hear a splashing noise in the bathroom. Kole is playing in the toilet. Lovely. I have to strip him of his gross clothes and wash him off. I finally put the breadsticks in the oven. Braden makes a run for the bathroom and doesn't quite make it. Barf hits the floor and splatters 50 feet in each direction. Dane goes to grab a towel and I try to help Braden get to the toilet. Kole immediately makes a mad dash for the puke on the floor. Again, I sanitize his body and get Braden cleaned up and settled back on the couch.
I am almost done with dinner. I open the fridge to get something and Kole crawls over and instantly grabs a glass bottle of sauce and throws it on the floor...it shatters into a hundred pieces and sticky sauce is all over the floor and under the fridge. I clean it up. We FINALLY sit down to eat at 7:15. Halfway through the meal we try to get Bennett to eat a bite - that's right ONE bite- of a baked potato. It hits his mouth and he gags and throws up all of his dinner. Hailee has lost her appetite so she can't eat. I hardly eat half of my food because Kole had a poopy diaper that I had to change, I got a phone call from the library saying the DVD that we returned didn't have the disc in it and we need to return it tonight. Super!
I still need to make Valentine cookies because my sweet daughter has so thoughtfully prepared a Family Home Evening lesson for all of us and has helped me with whatever I have needed today. So we start making the cookies. Long story short, it all got done in the end and I am exhausted. And it all starts over again tomorrow.
Sunday, January 15, 2012
New Year
Obviously I have let the blog slip away from me. I have so much guilt over it that I am losing sleep. I feel like I am letting memories slip through my fingers and I will have no way to remember them. I made a decision as I was making my New Years Resolutions. I will post when I can and if it is only one line for the day, that is fine. I have this warped idea that I need to be all "caught up" with the past 3 years before I can blog about today. I am making a hard decision to just LET IT GO. If I happen to go back and put my pictures in, great. If not, I can still have the memories from here on out. I probably won't put a lot of pictures but I will have something at least.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Introducing Kole Morgan Sanford
We were so blessed to have a wonderful, healthy baby boy enter into our family on April 25, 2011. I had to get some pictures up. More on the crazy birth story which ended up in a C-Section (on baby #4!!!). Here is our sweet little boy.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Spectacular Spiderman
Bennett has definitely found his personality. I guess I thought he would be like his brother and be super athletic and into sports and cars and trains. But he has found his own thing...SUPERHEROES!
Right now he loves Spiderman. He IS Spiderman. He wants to wear this costume every day!
We borrowed the costume from our friends, the Kjars, for Halloween and he became obsessed. I called her to tell her I would have to buy it from her because he had worn it so much. She was so sweet and insisted that we keep it because it came from another little boy who also loved Spiderman and wore it everyday. I explained how it was a battle for me to get him to take it off to leave the house. She said something that meant a lot to me. She told me to just embrace it...this phase would only last a little while and I would miss the days when he just wanted to wear his favorite costume all the time. She was right. I have embraced the Superhero phase fully and I will enjoy every second of it while I can. I don't care about the looks we get, he can wear his cute Spiderman costume or whatever other Superhero he wants to be that day as long as he will!
This is his face underneath the costume. He is truly happy. How can I deny him this happiness to save me some weird looks? I love this little Spiderman Boy!
Right now he loves Spiderman. He IS Spiderman. He wants to wear this costume every day!
We borrowed the costume from our friends, the Kjars, for Halloween and he became obsessed. I called her to tell her I would have to buy it from her because he had worn it so much. She was so sweet and insisted that we keep it because it came from another little boy who also loved Spiderman and wore it everyday. I explained how it was a battle for me to get him to take it off to leave the house. She said something that meant a lot to me. She told me to just embrace it...this phase would only last a little while and I would miss the days when he just wanted to wear his favorite costume all the time. She was right. I have embraced the Superhero phase fully and I will enjoy every second of it while I can. I don't care about the looks we get, he can wear his cute Spiderman costume or whatever other Superhero he wants to be that day as long as he will!
This is his face underneath the costume. He is truly happy. How can I deny him this happiness to save me some weird looks? I love this little Spiderman Boy!
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