There Will Be Surprises

Ever since I first read the following passage from Mere Christianity, I've found it very helpful in maintaining perspective both with myself and in the way I approach and/or view those around me. There's something beautiful about the imagery of the naked soul:

"Human beings judge one another by their external actions. God judges them by their moral choices. When a neurotic who has a pathological horror of cats forces himself to pick up a cat for some good reason, it is quite possible that in God's eyes he has shown more courage than a healthy man may have shown in winning the V.C. [Victorian Cross... similar to a Congressional Medal of Honor.] When a man who has been perverted from his youth and taught that cruelty is the right thing, does some tiny little kindness, or refrains from some cruelty he might have committed, and thereby, perhaps, risks being sneered at by his companions, he may, in God's eyes, be doing more than you and I would do if we gave up life itself for a friend.

It is as well to put this the other way around. Some of us who seem quite nice people may in fact have made so little use of a good heredity and a good upbringing that we really are worse than those whom we regard as fiends. Can we be quite certain how we should have behaved if we had been saddled with the psychological outfit, and then the bad upbringing, and then with the power, say, of Himmler [the man who controlled the SS and Gestapo during Nazi reign]? That is why Christians are told not to judge. We see only the results which a man's choices make out of his raw material. But God does not judge him on the raw material at all, but on what he has done with it. Most of the man's psychological makeup is probably due to his body: when his body dies all that will fall off him, and the real central man, the thing that chose, that made the best or the worst out of this material, will stand naked. All sorts of nice things which we thought our own, but which were really due to a good digestion, will fall off some of us : all sorts of nasty things which were due to complexes or bad health will fall off others. We shall then, for the first time, see every one as he really was. There will be surprises."

Schnooky

I've called a person or two Schnooky Poo or Schnooky Wookums. That sort of thing. But little did I know what I was saying:

schnook : an easily imposed-upon or cheated person, a pitifully meek person, a particularly gullible person (perhaps from Yiddish שנוק shnuk 'snout'; cf. Northern German Schnucke 'sheep') (OED)

Who knew? Yay for Yiddish.

You're Not Fully Alive Unless You're Zestfully Alive

OK, in my opinion, Hairspray is just an "OK" movie. Not amazing. Not life-changing. Not worth watching every week.

But I actually enjoy the last half hour or so, from the protest through the end. There's just something about seeing people stand for their right to be considered as human and respectable as anyone else and realizing how recent an issue racism is, as well as the zestful and exuberant enjoyment of being alive portrayed by the dance, the romance, the acceptance of self and others, and the simple statement that "without love", life is lifeless.

It makes me want to be more zestful in life. I don't think the richest in life is found by joining a choreographed dance number or by being exuberant in everything you do. I think it's more than that: to learn to allow yourself to simply enjoy life and its quirks and joys even amidst trouble and pain. Sometimes, when I start feeling a little manic (deliriously upbeat) about life, I remember the trials other people are going through and the living conditions of people in certain societies, and it sobers me up a bit. Sometimes, when I'm feeling weighed down by the gravity of life, I have to pull back and just be grateful for my blessings and guiltlessly enjoy life a bit and help others do so to keep from uselessly wondering what I can do about the suffering all around.

I want to act! I can't wait for others to stand up and take action to change the world for the better while I just play the system and follow the herd. There will always be reasons (usually involving self-preservation) not to defend a cause or an underdog or invest in changing the world for the better. There are too many battles to fight: they must be chosen carefully if my efforts are to be worthwhile and not meaningless token efforts spread thin. But to stand up and make your voice heard and make your life an example in some way, that is truly living.

I want to love! I hate the feeling of stomping out or turning away from feelings of love, warmth, devotion, patience, tenderness, and general motivation to be a better person I've felt when romantically attracted. However that is to happen, it would be really nice to be able and willing to continue to feel that.

I want to dance! Figuratively. Maybe literally. I want to feel so good about life that I can't help but dance. Dancing is one of those things I've never really enjoyed doing, though I'm not sure why. There are some things in life I haven't done because there's simply no good reason to try them: for example, I don't need to try illegal drugs. But there are other things in life, like dancing, I haven't done because I haven't really wanted to, yet I feel something stir inside when I see a great dance performance. I share the enthusiasm of the people performing and want to have the ability of showing that kind of expression in my movement. And to be honest, I wonder how much of my resistance to dancing is the simple fact that I feel completely out of place and unable to express myself in dance because I haven't done it, and I wonder if I learned how to be expressive with my body in that way, if I'd actually start liking to dance? There's something that feels good and happy about seeing people celebrating with their whole body in motion, and maybe part of me really does want to learn that expression of joy.

...ah yes, leave it to me to turn a feel-good movie into an analytical essay. *grin*

Living Love

A good friend recently told me it seems like I'm in my head all the time, possibly at the expense of other important learning. "What else is there?," I questioned. And I meant it. What matters most is whether something makes sense, or is right. All else is superfluous. Experience for experience's sake? No thanks. And emotions are pretty meaningless in and of themselves. Logic, however, retains its identity and applicability independently, as far as I can see. Of course, logic and reason are...bland without passion and limited without experiential framework. But true intelligence stands on its own. Being "human" involves more than logic, but logic is what frames all else, so why "leave my head"? Why leave reason aside? It makes no sense.

I've had some thoughts on this as it relates to love and relationships.

I have, indeed, felt detached from those who have been closest to me and wondered how to feel love and affection better, outside of romance. Romance has, in the past, brought out some precious parts of me, but maybe that's not the only way? Then again, it seemed so effortless then. And in the aftermath of romantic attachment, it's easy to pine away for that kind of connection again when you're as old as I am and have felt it so seldom. It's then easier to lazily invest less in non-romantic friendships because it takes so much more effort to feel so good in them. But it's also easier to move on once the freshness wears off and its animating influence seems like a distant memory. And you're left to act on your understanding and knowledge rather than the intense motivation of infatuation.

The concrete and discernible things in life are goals and decisions or, regarding relationships, whom I choose to interact with. But in that sense, what, then, is love anyway, besides a decision about where to spend energy? Are romantic attachments meaningless because they're just hollow emotion? Is affection little more than a selfish need to feel wanted or feel "good"? What is the attachment people say they feel? I don't normally get "attached" to people easily at all, but somehow, I have become attached very quickly in a couple of friendships-turned-romantic, and I've also been burned.

While I enjoy the company of some people in my life more than others and appreciate their opinions and value their dedication, I'm most often not sure I understand "love" as some ethereal bond. The bonds exist only as much as actions back them up. "Love", in the ethereal sense, seems meaningless to me, even though I have, a few times, desired it in a romantic form so intensely it hurts. I understand feeling attached (in that exciting way which has spurred me to trust without justification and feel vulnerable but looking forward to exposing more), but it feels shallow and meaningless without action, and unnecessary (but nice) with action.

It would be nice to really know what I'm saying when I tell someone I love them, even though I only say it when I feel like I mean it. Others seem more confident with the expression. Much of the time, I think I mean something like, "I appreciate your presence in my life and feel some kind of affection I'm not sure I can 'explain' other than to say I would miss your presence in my life." When I was a child, I just knew who I liked and trusted: I "loved" them. Now, it seems less cut-and-dry.

During the conversation which sparked these thoughts, I thanked my friend for being patient with me through my self-absorbed times when I seem to think about these dilemmas incessantly and when most of my conversations with him involved my frustrations and my efforts to reconcile different, seemingly conflicted emotions and knowledge. It probably takes someone who really cares to patiently go through this with me or keep spending time with me even when I'm not as "fun" or giving as I could be. During those times, the nature of each friendship is revealed, those who dwindle, those who stand by, those who engage.

A couple of friends have told me they really "value" my friendship, and I'm pretty sure I value theirs. But what do they mean when they say "value"? Do I have friends without whom I would be less happy or fulfilled? And if so, why? And should I? Is it just about selfish fulfillment and what I get from the friendship?

Once you're past the friendship "honeymoon" stage, where you no longer feel excited to spend time with this now-not-so-new person, what keeps you coming around? Or should you just move on? I try to maintain friendships which I believe to be mutually beneficial past the honeymoon stage. Is that "love" because I see reason to dedicate myself to that person even when it's not "comfortable" or "easy" or entirely "natural", anymore, to do so? And if that is love, isn't love more an action than an emotion? But then, that action leads to an increased desire for that person's welfare and happiness, which I suppose I could call love.

And again, if that's the case, is that love a selfless force, or do I want that person's happiness mainly because I have invested my own energy and time and dedicated it to that person, so I want that to pay off so it isn't wasted? Then that love is, at its root, a sort of selfish thing. Yet it was borne of selfless action made when something in me chose to dedicate myself. So in a way, I increase my love by investing myself in and connecting myself--spiritually, emotionally, physically, and mentally--with those around me. Is love both the motivating force and the fruit of becoming one large network of acts of selflessness?

I reject the notion that it's simple, that you love someone or you don't and that's all there is to it. It's a copout, to me, and seems like a limited, self-centered perspective that will simply carry you in and out of shallow, transient relationships your whole life.

No, I don't obsess about these things, except for the 15-60 minutes I spend writing them to get my thoughts expressed with some semblance of coherence. But I have wondered, from time to time, throughout my life, if I have often missed the mark when it comes to love or unnecessarily and detrimentally suppressed my expression of it through many years of "controlling" my emotions. And it seems to me that the best way to increase the love I feel is not just to find someone who finds me attractive and desirable and for whom I feel the same but...to decide and to act and to trust in a more conscious way. To try to show, through my time, through making myself vulnerable to them, through expression, how I value them.

But then, that's just me being heady and logical. Bringing the topic full circle to my original conversation with my friend, there's something for an "over-analytical" fellow such as myself to remember. I believe we, as a society, have the technology, science, and philosophy we do thanks to heady and overly-analytical people who wouldn't accept the surface answers as the end-all and be-all of understanding and reached deeper for more. However, there is something I'm learning, albeit slowly: my analyses will never mean much in my life as long as life passes by while I'm trying to figure it out. In order to increase my frame of reference, expand my paradigm, test my reason, and truly feel the joy, pain, and passion of living which I think we all are meant to experience as complete souls, I simply have to take a break from the deep, dark reaches of my inner world, rest my mental muscles, get off my butt, take some risks, and go gain experience and the strength that comes from exercising my agency by choosing to live life.

So I'm trying. Obviously, I'll start putting that into action after posting this note... *wink*

Thank Goodness For The Discomfort Of Friends

I just wanted to express my gratitude for my friends. We all have different kinds of friends. Fun ones. Intimate ones. Occasional ones. Recreational ones. Heady ones. Brief ones. Lifetime ones. Romantic awkwardness ones. Roommate ones... Sometimes the types overlap. Sometimes they don't.

But the ones I'm feeling grateful for right now are the ones who don't always only "make me feel good about myself" all the time. They care enough to make me a little uncomfortable sometimes. They tell me things I don't necessarily want to hear. They remind me of uncomfortable truths or difficult questions, from whatever perspective, I'd just as soon set aside. I may not always believe them to be completely right, but I know that they actually care enough about me to not smile and nod when they hear me say something they question or see me doing something they foresee as potentially or probably detrimental.

They say things like:
"You can do better"
"I don't see how that matters"
"You're not sparkly perfect"
"I'm concerned when I hear you say..."
all in context with other words of encouragement, usually, of course.

They seem to love me for who I am. They care about me, for whatever reason. And it will be hard for them if I make decisions they don't understand or don't believe to be best for me, but they'll not stop caring about me because of it. And they don't try to force anything on me. They don't harp on things. They just show their love by not pretending that anything I do is fine because hey, it's my life, right? Yes, decisions are mine to make, but they remind me that I'm not the only one making tough decisions and feeling caught between a rock and a hard place. And they sympathize with me but don't let me spend TOO much time wallowing without gently reminding me that others have reason to wallow as well, even if only by sharing their own struggles and questions. And I am reminded that we're in this together, and that even while trusting others to make the best decision for them, there is room for reminding each other of uncomfortable truths which can, seemingly paradoxically, alleviate discomfort in the long run.

It's late, and my thoughts are probably unhinging on their way out, so I'll just wrap up with a simple "thank goodness for my friends who show that they really care by not pretending that everything I do and say is perfectly fine yet do so without derision or personal judgement."