Hello,
I see that the path previously trodden by 'Playgirl' and 'For Women' is being trod once again by 'Filament' . As ever erections are proving a problem being considered obscene in 'erotica' aimed at women rather than porn aimed at men which as far as I can tell appears to be full of whoppers.
The folk at 'Filament' are of course protesting this state of affairs. The deal is that if enough folk buy issue one, issue two will feature a proud an erect boaby rather than a boring flaccid fellow. As marketing strategies go it's not bad but it's hard to care one way or the other.
For a start it's an 'erotic' magazine. I hate erotica, it's the visual equivalent of those drips that used to hang round the school bully in the hope some of his menace would rub off. Why in God's name would any sentient being want to look at a Timotei advert with stiffies? It's dull. Worse still it appears to have been based around the findings of focus groups. Sweet Lord -consensus erotica! At least consensus porn might have a whiff of the gang bang about it but erotica is just a man thinking about having a wank photographed through a doily.
All any consensus is going to add to the erotica is a few articles for the sort monsterous muppet that says 'us girls' as if we'd elected her as minister for wacky fun or worse responsible articles about womens health accompanied by a ten question quiz entitled 'What cancer will YOU die of tit, womb or ovary?'. Maybe both -surely that will herald the apocalpyse and end this comfortable misery.
There are times that being a women is like supporting one of those football teams that hover around the top of their division/league/bore or whatever the sponsors call them nowadays. One receives sufficient signs of imminent triumph to prevent a self inflicted fatal adventure with a gun but defeat is snatched from the jaws of glory at every opportunity.
The launch of a new erotic magazine for ladies always brings despair. It doesn't have to be this way. In essence sextainment or ladies should be funny in which case a magazine that looks like a selection of stag night photos with a earnest male stripper or two here and there will suffice.
Or ideally it should be perfectly obscene. Photograph vast orgies, winking goats, show man on man on woman on woman, a mixture, cross dressing, fetish, burelesque, strippers, danger wanks, paupers, princes, slaves, peepshows, hoors, lunatics, boxers, the kitchen sink, chicks with dicks, fat folk, thin folk, inbetweeners, tops, bottoms, all races, all ages, sillicone stuffed freaks, allsorts I haven't thought of -the works. Imagine a collaboration on an update of Hogarths' Beer Street and Gin Lane by Beardsley and Crumb and you'd be off to a good start.
The only thing that should be banned is any visible sign of birth control. Fuck responsibility -create a fantasy land where we all fuck like animals caring not a jot for the consequences because there are none. A touch of jaded 18th century aristocrat here and there is as close to reality as it need get. Aim for a full body and mind orgasm. The 'stories' should be well written, witty, imaginative filth, the articles devoted entirely to self indulgence, laziness and all the fun of the fair.
That is how a decent porno should be done. Now if anyone with clout wants to bankroll it I'll rule it. Failing that send me your pictures articles, stories, letters and trifles and I'll whack it all up on a special blog. I'm serious, lets all have a big daft art blog on the theme of sex.
Cheerio
Cheerio
Showing posts with label Sex. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Sex. Show all posts
8/13/2009
8/10/2009
It Was A One In A Million Chance!
Hello,
I see that some fellow is in a spot of bother after his cat downloaded some child porn. That really is the modern equivalent of doing the housework nude and accidentially getting your penis stuck in the hoover.
I can't help but notice that men seem to be disproportionately affected by these somewhat unfortunate one in a million chance accidents, incidents and misunderstandings. Has any research been undertaken as to why men should be so afflicted?
I am led to believe that members of the chap community are somewhat narked with Harriet Harman at the moment. Perhaps by way of an olive branch Miss Harman in her role as equalities minister could commission some research into this to make the chaps feel cared for again. Or better still a full public inquiry to let the victims of misandrist cat pranks, potatoes, siren bikes , tables , sheep , goats , horses, shoe horns, household appliances, wetsuits, electrodes, tractors, lamp posts and cars have their voices heard in a safe and non-judgemental environment.
Now I know these things cost money and the economy, taxes, hard working familes , blah etc but I cannot help but think the time is right for the UK to lead the world in getting to the bottom of these strange incidents.
I see that some fellow is in a spot of bother after his cat downloaded some child porn. That really is the modern equivalent of doing the housework nude and accidentially getting your penis stuck in the hoover.
I can't help but notice that men seem to be disproportionately affected by these somewhat unfortunate one in a million chance accidents, incidents and misunderstandings. Has any research been undertaken as to why men should be so afflicted?
I am led to believe that members of the chap community are somewhat narked with Harriet Harman at the moment. Perhaps by way of an olive branch Miss Harman in her role as equalities minister could commission some research into this to make the chaps feel cared for again. Or better still a full public inquiry to let the victims of misandrist cat pranks, potatoes, siren bikes , tables , sheep , goats , horses, shoe horns, household appliances, wetsuits, electrodes, tractors, lamp posts and cars have their voices heard in a safe and non-judgemental environment.
Now I know these things cost money and the economy, taxes, hard working familes , blah etc but I cannot help but think the time is right for the UK to lead the world in getting to the bottom of these strange incidents.
8/07/2009
Sex, Offices and the Price-Andres
Hello,
As anyone who has ever had to step into an office knows, the main challenge is to keep boredom at bay. Actually for me it's living in fear of my 'system' being wrecked by the enforcement of a 'clean desk policy' but for most staying awake long enough to get the days work done is the problem. I do recall working in an office where the larger and more excitable ladies would bounce around singing 'Stayin Awake' to the tune of 'Stayin Alive' but that was all along time ago and my friends in the NHS have been able to repair the worst of the damage.
I think this accounts for a great deal of office humour. Unfortunately this does occasionally manifest itself in grown men wearing Homer Simpson ties and being zany which I know makes some folk angry but causes me no end of amusement albeit tinged with a sneer that I'm not sure the wearers of these garments would be altogether happy with.
This week, good old sex has been the topic for chuckles and specifically the question who is your 'would but shouldn't'. A sort of a rehash of Viz's 'occasional 'Borderline Boilers' feature. For those unfamiliar with this little bit of Viz genius, I think the line 'your eyes say no but your balls say go' covers it. The question threw up some surprising answers Gerald Depardieu, Boris Johnson and Richard Madeley are assured of a quick bunk up should they choose to visit Glasgow. I'm afraid I couldn't think of an answer and was sadly beaten to the punch by a young lady who caused minor, good humoured uproar by saying 'anyone'.
It's a puzzling question, as if I or anyone who thought about it for more than two seconds is going to knock back the offer of a quick go on someone they fancy because they think everyone will laugh at them. Good God it's not as if they're being asked to do it in public. Come to think of it it's not as if the celebrity community are wandering around looking to proposition bored office workers.
It would be a hoot if they did. I rather fancy it would make an excellent TV programme 'Celebrity Sex Surprise' cue Jeremy Beadle style voiceover 'what Mary doesn't know is that when she get's home instead of her husband being there to greet her, a nude Bill Oddie will be standing in the hall with a very indecent celebrity proposal'. Obviously while this is going on Mary and her family will be in the studio audience and the camera will cut to their chuckles as the footage is shown of mummy performing an impromptu pole dance for Oddie who will turn to the camera and announce with a leer and a double thumbs up 'this is what I call birdwatching -a couple of great tits there'.
I suspect Jordan would probably up for it I can just see her droning in that flat and oddly joyless voice 'I am going to give you the ride of your life' all the while wearing a facial expression more suited to a performance of 'Is That All There Is?' than sexual ecstacy. Still you can't blame the lassie can you? Personally if I had her target market of leering sexual inadequates I'd struggle to restrain myself from poking their eyes out. Let's face it she's only faking the boredom to mask the burning contempt. I'm actually rather partial to our Miss Price and have been enjoying her torture of the hapless Mr Andre no end, there's something about his 'I'm such a nice guy' act that leads to suspect he really is and it's not a pose. How I long to shout 'grow a pair of balls doormat' at him. Why is he such a weed? What's wrong with him? I'll bet you a tenner he writes his name all in lowercase -freak. I realise he's not what you might call a thinker but surely even he can see the way he is invites contempt rather than respect. I am rather pleased they did away with national service all things considered but it's hard to look at Mr Andre and not mourn it's loss.
Cheerio
As anyone who has ever had to step into an office knows, the main challenge is to keep boredom at bay. Actually for me it's living in fear of my 'system' being wrecked by the enforcement of a 'clean desk policy' but for most staying awake long enough to get the days work done is the problem. I do recall working in an office where the larger and more excitable ladies would bounce around singing 'Stayin Awake' to the tune of 'Stayin Alive' but that was all along time ago and my friends in the NHS have been able to repair the worst of the damage.
I think this accounts for a great deal of office humour. Unfortunately this does occasionally manifest itself in grown men wearing Homer Simpson ties and being zany which I know makes some folk angry but causes me no end of amusement albeit tinged with a sneer that I'm not sure the wearers of these garments would be altogether happy with.
This week, good old sex has been the topic for chuckles and specifically the question who is your 'would but shouldn't'. A sort of a rehash of Viz's 'occasional 'Borderline Boilers' feature. For those unfamiliar with this little bit of Viz genius, I think the line 'your eyes say no but your balls say go' covers it. The question threw up some surprising answers Gerald Depardieu, Boris Johnson and Richard Madeley are assured of a quick bunk up should they choose to visit Glasgow. I'm afraid I couldn't think of an answer and was sadly beaten to the punch by a young lady who caused minor, good humoured uproar by saying 'anyone'.
It's a puzzling question, as if I or anyone who thought about it for more than two seconds is going to knock back the offer of a quick go on someone they fancy because they think everyone will laugh at them. Good God it's not as if they're being asked to do it in public. Come to think of it it's not as if the celebrity community are wandering around looking to proposition bored office workers.
It would be a hoot if they did. I rather fancy it would make an excellent TV programme 'Celebrity Sex Surprise' cue Jeremy Beadle style voiceover 'what Mary doesn't know is that when she get's home instead of her husband being there to greet her, a nude Bill Oddie will be standing in the hall with a very indecent celebrity proposal'. Obviously while this is going on Mary and her family will be in the studio audience and the camera will cut to their chuckles as the footage is shown of mummy performing an impromptu pole dance for Oddie who will turn to the camera and announce with a leer and a double thumbs up 'this is what I call birdwatching -a couple of great tits there'.
I suspect Jordan would probably up for it I can just see her droning in that flat and oddly joyless voice 'I am going to give you the ride of your life' all the while wearing a facial expression more suited to a performance of 'Is That All There Is?' than sexual ecstacy. Still you can't blame the lassie can you? Personally if I had her target market of leering sexual inadequates I'd struggle to restrain myself from poking their eyes out. Let's face it she's only faking the boredom to mask the burning contempt. I'm actually rather partial to our Miss Price and have been enjoying her torture of the hapless Mr Andre no end, there's something about his 'I'm such a nice guy' act that leads to suspect he really is and it's not a pose. How I long to shout 'grow a pair of balls doormat' at him. Why is he such a weed? What's wrong with him? I'll bet you a tenner he writes his name all in lowercase -freak. I realise he's not what you might call a thinker but surely even he can see the way he is invites contempt rather than respect. I am rather pleased they did away with national service all things considered but it's hard to look at Mr Andre and not mourn it's loss.
Cheerio
8/31/2008
Impotent, Corrupt and Puritanical!
Hello,
I must admit I am somewhat snobbish about my fellow Glaswegians. The best of them are marvellous sorts with a fine line in pub banter but awfully puritanical about sex. The worst are puritanical about everything except violence.
For a creature as self indulgent as I am, one can either be painfully suppressed or divvy the world up into little sub sections each with it's own rules. The wrong thing is fine by me in the right place. Hence why I am amused but riled at the police breaking up a big gay orgy in The Arches.
To give you all some background I strutted into a student union at fifteen, plonked my arse down glanced to my right only to see a couple of weighty goths going at it doggy style in the corner. Since then clubbing has been a terrible disappointment to me. The furtive drug use and omnipresent 'bouncers' enforcing absurd licencing laws have conspired to produce little more than chemically enhanced school discos without the fabulous uninhibited dancing. I rather fancy impromptu orgies in nightclubs. Let's face it it's nothing we don't do behind the chippy afterwards.
For me the whole public shagging thing is a question of appropriateness. Shagging by the 'pick n' mix' in woolies is wrong, shagging in a nightclub on a men only gay night for over twenty fives is harmless sport and arguably a rational response to the promise of sex used in the marketing of the evening. Rather that than a hullabaloo on the nightbus or worse the hijacking of the public lavs.
I am led to understand the folk on the Glasgow City Council licensing board have no moral qualms about accepting bribes but are most upset by shagging between consenting adults on licensed premises. Presumably because the thought of folk enjoying themselves doing something untaxable represents obscenity to them. Perhaps if a a few 'public rumpo outreach officers' positions could be created for Labour cronies they might leave the orgy in peace. I suppose we should be grateful women weren't involved otherwise Jim Coleman would have spunked our council tax cash on another report from his pet Carrie Nation wannabe Bindel.
Never mind that we are Europe's most violent city, never mind that a substantial percentage of our population is too frightened to go out after dark, never mind the appalling rates of illiteracy, never mind the gang culture. As long as our licensed premises remain smoke free, sex free and joy free we'll look like we're effective. All I ask for is an environment folk can run wild in without startling the horses. That shouldn't be beyond the reach of even an uncivilised city run by Labour halfwits.
Cheerio
I must admit I am somewhat snobbish about my fellow Glaswegians. The best of them are marvellous sorts with a fine line in pub banter but awfully puritanical about sex. The worst are puritanical about everything except violence.
For a creature as self indulgent as I am, one can either be painfully suppressed or divvy the world up into little sub sections each with it's own rules. The wrong thing is fine by me in the right place. Hence why I am amused but riled at the police breaking up a big gay orgy in The Arches.
To give you all some background I strutted into a student union at fifteen, plonked my arse down glanced to my right only to see a couple of weighty goths going at it doggy style in the corner. Since then clubbing has been a terrible disappointment to me. The furtive drug use and omnipresent 'bouncers' enforcing absurd licencing laws have conspired to produce little more than chemically enhanced school discos without the fabulous uninhibited dancing. I rather fancy impromptu orgies in nightclubs. Let's face it it's nothing we don't do behind the chippy afterwards.
For me the whole public shagging thing is a question of appropriateness. Shagging by the 'pick n' mix' in woolies is wrong, shagging in a nightclub on a men only gay night for over twenty fives is harmless sport and arguably a rational response to the promise of sex used in the marketing of the evening. Rather that than a hullabaloo on the nightbus or worse the hijacking of the public lavs.
I am led to understand the folk on the Glasgow City Council licensing board have no moral qualms about accepting bribes but are most upset by shagging between consenting adults on licensed premises. Presumably because the thought of folk enjoying themselves doing something untaxable represents obscenity to them. Perhaps if a a few 'public rumpo outreach officers' positions could be created for Labour cronies they might leave the orgy in peace. I suppose we should be grateful women weren't involved otherwise Jim Coleman would have spunked our council tax cash on another report from his pet Carrie Nation wannabe Bindel.
Never mind that we are Europe's most violent city, never mind that a substantial percentage of our population is too frightened to go out after dark, never mind the appalling rates of illiteracy, never mind the gang culture. As long as our licensed premises remain smoke free, sex free and joy free we'll look like we're effective. All I ask for is an environment folk can run wild in without startling the horses. That shouldn't be beyond the reach of even an uncivilised city run by Labour halfwits.
Cheerio
3/09/2008
Can We Have a Revolvution Please?
Hello,
I recently made the dreadful error of chatting to a primary teacher. It's not that she wasn't pleasant she was lovely, mumsy, enthusiastic and just the sort of person you'd want to leave your seedlings with. However I'm afraid she was the bearer of bad news and with hindsight I think I might have come close to shooting the messenger on a few occasions.
As always when confronted with a member of the teaching profession I quiz them as to why even otherwise intelligent folk are leaving school illiterate. I did expect her to get all defensive so that I could torture her but was surprised to note she entirely agreed with me. Like I say obviously the sort of person you'd want in charge of your kids. No sniggering at the back I get along very well with our short friends once they pass the dribbling stage. At heart I am a five year old with a cocaine habit.
Anyway my teaching chum informs me that at least twenty minutes of valuable teaching time are lost each day because the teacher has to supervise the children brushing their teeth after lunch. It is just as well I am not a parent because I would most likely tear up to the school and accuse the teacher of being a nonce for such an act. Then it would be explained to me that they are only following orders and I'd feel like a crumb. Apparently in order to tackle the admittedly appalling dental record in the west of Scotland it has been decided that all children should be forced to brush their teeth once a day in school.
I've no objection to folk brushing their teeth but this is either social crisis management on the cheap or a waste of time. If we are in fact sending children out of school to homes where no-one cares whether or not they clean their teeth, then we are sending them home to unfit parents. In which case tooth decay is merely a symptom of a much deeper problem. As far as I can make out nothing much is being done to tackle that. Would it not be more productive to let teachers give the young things the best possible education, which would endow them with the means to escape their deprived circumstances? If a bit of dental health education is required then give the parents and children dental advice via after school clubs or special one off lessons. Schools are there to educate folk not wet nurse them and if there really is a problem then isn't that we pay social services for?
As if all that wasn't bad enough from August yet more classroom time is to be wasted giving children in primary one, sex education. The theory behind this is that if the kiddiewinks know the facts of life from age five then by the time they get to their teens they won't be all that excited by sex. Which rather overlooks hormones, nature, curiosity and the decent teenager's innate irresponsibility -none of which can be educated out of existence.
In addition to the bare bones of the mating racket, the kiddiewinks have to be treated to education on same sex relationships. Lord knows why. I managed to have sex with a woman at fifteen without any pointers on lesbian sex from my teachers. If I do say so myself it was one of my better performances. Mind you if the teachers had supplied us with lube, toys and a decent porno it might have been better but I doubt it. Cheers Aliesha! I made my heterosexual debut at the same age without making any real errors, though if I had my time over again I'd have removed my bra and locked the bathroom door. The scandal I caused has I am certain gone down in Shawlands legend, which is outrageous. All I did was sit on the cistern with my legs akimbo it was the chap that did all the work and yet no-one called him a slag. No sex education in the world can prepare you for that sort of injustice.
I should stress if you haven't guessed already I have no moral objection to sex education. I just don't see the point. Teach folk to read, write, do maths and be responsible for their actions -the rest will follow.
Cheerio
I recently made the dreadful error of chatting to a primary teacher. It's not that she wasn't pleasant she was lovely, mumsy, enthusiastic and just the sort of person you'd want to leave your seedlings with. However I'm afraid she was the bearer of bad news and with hindsight I think I might have come close to shooting the messenger on a few occasions.
As always when confronted with a member of the teaching profession I quiz them as to why even otherwise intelligent folk are leaving school illiterate. I did expect her to get all defensive so that I could torture her but was surprised to note she entirely agreed with me. Like I say obviously the sort of person you'd want in charge of your kids. No sniggering at the back I get along very well with our short friends once they pass the dribbling stage. At heart I am a five year old with a cocaine habit.
Anyway my teaching chum informs me that at least twenty minutes of valuable teaching time are lost each day because the teacher has to supervise the children brushing their teeth after lunch. It is just as well I am not a parent because I would most likely tear up to the school and accuse the teacher of being a nonce for such an act. Then it would be explained to me that they are only following orders and I'd feel like a crumb. Apparently in order to tackle the admittedly appalling dental record in the west of Scotland it has been decided that all children should be forced to brush their teeth once a day in school.
I've no objection to folk brushing their teeth but this is either social crisis management on the cheap or a waste of time. If we are in fact sending children out of school to homes where no-one cares whether or not they clean their teeth, then we are sending them home to unfit parents. In which case tooth decay is merely a symptom of a much deeper problem. As far as I can make out nothing much is being done to tackle that. Would it not be more productive to let teachers give the young things the best possible education, which would endow them with the means to escape their deprived circumstances? If a bit of dental health education is required then give the parents and children dental advice via after school clubs or special one off lessons. Schools are there to educate folk not wet nurse them and if there really is a problem then isn't that we pay social services for?
As if all that wasn't bad enough from August yet more classroom time is to be wasted giving children in primary one, sex education. The theory behind this is that if the kiddiewinks know the facts of life from age five then by the time they get to their teens they won't be all that excited by sex. Which rather overlooks hormones, nature, curiosity and the decent teenager's innate irresponsibility -none of which can be educated out of existence.
In addition to the bare bones of the mating racket, the kiddiewinks have to be treated to education on same sex relationships. Lord knows why. I managed to have sex with a woman at fifteen without any pointers on lesbian sex from my teachers. If I do say so myself it was one of my better performances. Mind you if the teachers had supplied us with lube, toys and a decent porno it might have been better but I doubt it. Cheers Aliesha! I made my heterosexual debut at the same age without making any real errors, though if I had my time over again I'd have removed my bra and locked the bathroom door. The scandal I caused has I am certain gone down in Shawlands legend, which is outrageous. All I did was sit on the cistern with my legs akimbo it was the chap that did all the work and yet no-one called him a slag. No sex education in the world can prepare you for that sort of injustice.
I should stress if you haven't guessed already I have no moral objection to sex education. I just don't see the point. Teach folk to read, write, do maths and be responsible for their actions -the rest will follow.
Cheerio
10/21/2007
Oooooh! Kylie
Hello,
As come backs go this is a bit of a 'stunted orgasm'. It's very nice, you know it should make your eyes roll in your head, it takes you to the brink and then fades. Nevertheless it's very pretty.
As come backs go this is a bit of a 'stunted orgasm'. It's very nice, you know it should make your eyes roll in your head, it takes you to the brink and then fades. Nevertheless it's very pretty.
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